The Best Babylon Bee Headlines Written By Kids

Babylon Bee subscribers were asked to send in headline ideas from their kids. We read the best ones pre-recorded live. Enjoy these hilarious ideas that may or not be fact checked by Snopes by the time this comes out.
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[@justanotherbaptistjew5659]

The top bunk article is actually genius

[@1Nida]

My thoughts exactly!

[@clsanderson73]

Totally agree!

[@jeanniegarcia7385]

I agree....they even give the reason....because they can't kneel by the bed to pray! :)

[@lauraandrews1676]

Yeah, and it totally went over their heads 🤣

[@Mooseman327]

Yeah, these clowns missed the kid's joke entirely. He probably had an older brother who slept in the top bunk. And you can't kneel in the air to pray. Genius headline.

[@tobalaz]

"10 reasons homework is racist" Man, I can't tell but it sounds more like Vox or Vice.

[@donoimdono4868]

tobalaz - cnn, msnbc, cbs, abc........

[@randomaznken1]

At this point...Prophecy fulfilled!

[@saucelessbones5872]

@@randomaznken1 oh yah they actuly made an artcile about how homework is racist caz black kids cant do it

[@Metal_Master_YT]

white paper = racist.

[@ElevenDollarCheese]

"Little brother eating Legos makes the number of Legos go down". Classic.

[@peterjanssen5901]

He was so scared, he sh@t bricks.

[@abrahamlincoln9758]

This was an actual headline on Yahol

[@adamnewman5575]

Their kid is going to be a financial genius

[@jwhite973]

I was hoping it would end with "temporarily".

[@chrisburch1406]

Lol, after 84 legos that kid needs surgery!

[@thesisypheanjournal1271]

The top bunk headline was actually genius. He was saying that kids who sleep in the top bunk can't kneel by their beds to say their prayers, and hence they make up the majority of bad kids.

[@smithnameman5588]

Not sure how they missed that.

[@kaitlint3987]

Tower of Babel Lego set with unreadable instructions

[@kevinbrackett101]

And not enough pieces in the box to finish!

[@arrienl6372]

This one is too funny! Thanks for the laugh! (The not enough pieces one is a cool reaction as well, hahaha)

[@1Nida]

Well done! The comedy team of Kaitlin and Kevin. 🏆

[@chrisburch1406]

@@kevinbrackett101 that ish is hilarious!

[@therealgadielsepulveda]

@@1Nida Pure gold indeed

[@kaycox5555]

Geez, you guys missed it. 92% of "bad" kids sleep on the top bunk BECAUSE they can't kneel for prayers

[@avidreader4140]

I'm part of the 8% because I was able to kneel for prayers on my top bunk.

[@theazuzhaters9988]

Yeah I noticed too

[@toddshank8724]

87% of statistics are made up.

[@garrettpratt6706]

It was too for them I guess

[@scottowens398]

@@avidreader4140 The short ones. Lol

[@holleymother9026]

My son had just started kindergarten at a local church school. On the ride home I asked him about his day and he said they visited the big sanctuary and "sat in the stinks" ... Did it smell bad in there? "You know, you walk in , you pull down the kneeling board and sit back in the stink." .... I was confused and driving along when it hit me. You mean the pews? He replied in a very irritated tone " Stink, pew what's the difference?" I laughed so hard I teared up and almost had to pull over. They absorb language faster than they can manage it. 😅

[@nicklikesradio]

Kids are so precious, genuine, and funny 😂🥰

[@ayishas4385]

That's so hilarious!!! Reminds me of my grandfather joking in a Bugs Bunny accent, " 'da church is burning holy smoke! Open up the doors and let all the pews out!' " (I'm afraid to say he was bishop emeritus of our church . . . 😄 ) I was about six, myself, and I remember older siblings clarifying for me why it was a joke.

[@my2cents945]

Confucius say, he who fart in church sit in own pew.

[@wiiildfire]

You can’t kneel to pray, so you turn bad. It was a great headline!

[@edwardrook8146]

Yes, because you have to kneel or you're not truly praying. And you have to bow your head too, with your eyes shut- though the Patriarchs lifted their eyes toward heaven.

[@user-yy4zb9fe1b]

How did they NOT laugh at the bunk bed headline? *GOLD*

[@Metal_Master_YT]

when you got the middle bunk...

[@blades9152]

@@Metal_Master_YT the fucking what

[@Metal_Master_YT]

@@blades9152 thats a good question.

[@russholly]

The sixteen year old's headline was an actual headline at one point this past year. -Prophecy Fulfilled!

[@sarahtoukan5109]

When my son was 4 years old, we asked him what he learned at Church today, he said “ Jesus kills Paul to death”. We were sure he wasn’t listening

[@animateyourpain5449]

You know that the cross was right side up

[@Metal_Master_YT]

*"I will kill you to death!"* sounds like a threat from a cartoon villain...

[@beyondobscure]

>Paul dies dead.

[@JiovanniCintron]

My little brother says “ you died to death “

[@tusaniabigby9715]

​@@JiovanniCintron😂

[@yes2day100]

When my 6 year old son, hiding behind me, was watching 'Jesus of Nazareth' during the crucifixion scene (when he was supposed to be asleep) suddenly shouted out: "What are they doing to poor Jesus!" Another time, at age 4, he came up to tell me excitedly that Jesus was fixing the washing machine! I went down, and saw the Hispanic name 'Jesus' on the repairman's shirt.

[@brekedekdang39]

That is way funnier than most content on Babylon Bee.

[@Samudbhava]

here is a headline i wrote 45 years ago when i was a kid. 'petrol price rise make people switch to horses makes grass price rise'.

[@solventtrapdotcom6676]

"A girl poops in her pants forever." If feminism had a motto.

[@kathymyers7279]

The one about the top bunk was really clever but they didn’t like it ! HA!

[@vancitysongwriter]

That guy laughing in the background really topped this off

[@ChandraCoatsBengalifornia]

LOL That's my husband

[@ChandraCoatsBengalifornia]

Just kidding he said it's his assistant 😂😬

[@justanotherbaptistjew5659]

Chandra Coats So your husband is Dan Coats?

[@ChandraCoatsBengalifornia]

@@justanotherbaptistjew5659 correct

[@AndrooUK]

Or, it ruined this video completely with the crappy laugh track and 'unprofessionalism'?

[@BanksterSlayer]

"The Panda Bear wake you up, and then the people die." Brilliant! A covert warning from the Right about the Communist Chinese threat. (Am really enjoying these Kids Headlines. Do more, Daddy!)

[@natospysanchez8938]

I read this comment as they where reading the headline

[@joelspringman523]

"Boy eats gunpowder cake, wouldn't stop shooting his mouth off."

[@mrwednesdaynight]

We went to a living nativity once. My son, 4 at the time, only knew that what we were watching was from the Bible. The show ends and he asks me, with 100% sincerity, where's Goliath?

[@Metal_Master_YT]

the real question is, *where's David?*

[@ayishas4385]

Awwwwww!

[@Pb-ij4ip]

“Someone’s afraid of elephants. ME!” Sounds like Norm Macdonald.

[@leahg3926]

😂😊😂🤪❤️

[@PaulDeCamp]

How can The Bee hope to compete against the actual news headlines? Just the sight of Rachel Levine giving testimony before the Senate looks like a Monty Python skit.

[@ChandraCoatsBengalifornia]

How do we upvote "Boogers Don't Go On The Wall?"

[@badpop987]

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can’t wipe your friends on the back of the sofa...

[@abrahamlincoln9758]

@@badpop987 citation needed

[@badpop987]

@@abrahamlincoln9758 😂😂

[@solventtrapdotcom6676]

When we catch Kamala on a hot mic telling that to Biden...

[@chrisburch1406]

@@badpop987 8 year old me has debunked this claim. My older brothers and sisters have wiped me across every surface in the house.

[@juliebless7119]

Favorite headline I remember making up for The National Enquirer when I was about 8: Minnesota Family Still Glow in the Dark- I have no idea why I made it up, but I remember it to this day. The word "still" makes it unforgettable.

[@abrahamlincoln9758]

Sounds like a series 🤣

[@Metal_Master_YT]

@@abrahamlincoln9758 sounds like a serious disease

[@Metal_Master_YT]

*_still?_* what did they do? look at the backside of God or somethin? that's some Moses level sht.

[@shepherd8203]

My Dad used zinc in his shoe for foot odour , it works. Kid nail it

[@Kevin-gg2bl]

The top bunk one is brilliant! Disappointed y'all didn't get it! And it's so true! Spot the rich kids who never had a top bunk sibling annoy the heck out of them, every, single, night.

[@amjrpain919]

Never ever put a bed wetter in the top bunk! 😳just say'n 🙄...

[@leahg3926]

TRUTH!!

[@epauletshark3793]

I was the top bunk kid, and it was my little brother on the bottom who was annoying me.

[@davidanoble]

I was the middle child with the middle bunk. It wasn't a frustrating experience tho

[@Metal_Master_YT]

@@davidanoble *_middle bunk?_* this is some double-decker-couch level sht.

[@richardchurchill5181]

In a major experiment, 1,500 Chimpanzees with typewriters fail to produce any works of Shakespeare, but one writes insightful critique of Ulysses. After pope-mobile breakdown, Pope shits in the woods. Bears alarmed and disgusted.

[@junelledembroski9183]

My 12 year old said for his headline, “Biden sucks, he also blows.” He has literally no idea what this means, so I don’t know if I should have disciplined him. I just said, “Don’t say that.”

[@Mendrawza24]

I'd just explain that that's crude language and tell him not to speak like that.

[@-astrangerontheinternet6687]

I’d ask what he thinks it means. Could be funny, or he could provide more appropriate words that he can use to replace the ones you find crude. Sometimes, I’ve been surprised my kids knew what the lewd term meant. 😂

[@malindaallen718]

I'm sure he knows what it means.

[@einnAnnie]

I promise, your son knows what it means.

[@RKroese]

"Let's go, Brandon." Just became a gay slur?

[@brucehutchinson9527]

I loved that the Ethan Babylon Bee Employee doesn't know what 'pork butt' is and the four-year-old does.

[@sillygoose9791]

And the weirdest part? It's actually the shoulder of a pig, not the butt.

[@whyisthisnottyping]

Future Babylon Bee writers in the making

[@adaynasmile]

I don't know why you didn't get the top bunk one. It was awesome.

[@BanksterSlayer]

Here's an idea for another KIDS PROJECT: Write a FORTUNE COOKIE line that you'd like to see.

[@Bonez0r]

"That wasn't chicken."

[@leahg3926]

Yes!!

[@franciscastiglione5832]

Wow... you guys let the top bunk one go right over your heads...

[@leahg3926]

Small families?

[@APP-hm6bf]

I don't understand that either

[@godsowndrunk1118]

Pork Butt is actually from the shoulder area......it's whats used to make pulled pork...

[@Cheesytarian]

Isn't the ham?

[@donoimdono4868]

austin minder - yah, for some reason back leg is ham, not butt. shoulder is butt. ??

[@amjrpain919]

So the Hocks are where exactly in relation to the ham?!

[@malindaallen718]

@@amjrpain919 hocks are the ankles

[@mmut8602]

What about bacon?

[@kellye2013]

there is an uncanny valley between 3 & 16 where kids try too hard and know too little

[@tylerbell6796]

This needs to be a regular series. I love it.

[@kx1music]

'Little brother eating legos makes the number of legos go down.' should have been changed to 'Socialists shocked that little brother eating legos makes the number of legos go down.'

[@RKroese]

Little brother comrade should have shared the Lego equally among all kin.

[@kx1music]

@@RKroese correct comrade

[@mken7737]

I like how they never realized ham is actually porks butt...

[@tonnahmichaels4297]

The Top Bunk is really well done. I’d read an article that breaks down the reason why most kids on the top bunk are naughty.

[@hippopilot6750]

The Lego one is gold because it sounds like a statistics report. Edit: *WHEEEEZZEEE* Holy shit that top bunk one is genius!

[@Greg-px2sc]

The "Little brother eating legos.." headline could totally be a Kamala quote!

[@smackerindignity]

“Incestuous” 😂🤣😂🤣

[@edwardrook8146]

the one with bad kids and upper bunks made me laugh really hard

[@marialiyubman]

It’s almost as hilarious as when buzzfeed and cnn write your headlines for you.

[@whiterage7048]

Raising the next generation of based bees 💪😎

[@professoranonymous5429]

Oh my goodness you guys. If you sleep in the top bunk you can't kneel for your prayers so 92% of the people that sleep in the top bunk are bad because they can't kneel for their prayers how come you guys didn't get that? That's actually quite creative in my humble opinion. These are absolutely wonderful, guys.

[@OfficialJab]

These are lovely 😁 It also made me realize that I miss the subscriber only section of the podcast where you read out member submissions from the week. Should bring that back as a permanent part where you just load up the Weekly tab and read a bunch.

[@jas57264]

These kid's headlines are 1000% better and more factual than ANY from CNN/ABC/CBS/FOX/ETC.

[@makarel]

Running in circles around a tornado makes it so that it gets confused and goes away.

[@keponder47]

My parents read to me a lot when I was a kid, but I also went to sleep listening to Adventures In Odyssey cassette tapes. Or Jungle Jam & Friends. Great Christian radio series for kids.

[@Pgresham3]

Of course you can't kneel for prayers on your own bed, if you sleep in the top bunk......resulting in bad people. I get it.

[@noblegamer8740]

My mom made us call farts “tushy pops”. It was awful lol

[@amjrpain919]

That just ruined Popsicles I bet...

[@cynthiastamps1821]

Quote from my mom.." Alright, who stepped on a frog?" that was the only reference allowed for that unacceptable, uncivilized body function...

[@dirtcop11]

Two parents are dismayed by the lack of progress in their daughter's potty training, in the background, Shirley Bassey is singing "Diapers Are Forever."

[@willp2190]

Very incestuous 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm absolutely dead

[@RickDeckardMemories]

There were some funny ones. I like the Lego one.

[@mightylonesome9426]

Panda waking people up then they die sounds like a movie plot produced by the SYFY Channel.

[@tytaylor4072]

Y'all know about Axe Cop??? Yes! Dr McNinja is also a good one

[@ibear2554]

I love Axe Cop!!!

[@steveempey7466]

Ok, you recovered at bit after the "bunk joke" with the incest vs nepotism.

[@jbrint86]

I want to see the fake ad for "A girl poops in her pants forever..."

[@ibear2554]

Axe Cop is my favorite comic ever. And that's saying something.

[@Gandoff2000]

Now we know where you get the new headlines. :-D Let me try "Man acquitted for hate crime after identifying as a black guy".

[@Dclerkin17]

I love them just overthinking things made by small children

[@projectswithstrangers3860]

yeah top bunk prevents you from praying so in return you are bad lol very funny

[@animateyourpain5449]

The panda bear wake you up then the people die GOLD

[@oldmanonyoutube]

Kids say the darndest things

[@zacharyahshupe8506]

Why am I just now seeing this 😆 Love the homework headline, it especially fits now😄😭😂

[@edwardrook8146]

Also, you guys are very well mannered individuals. You stay inside the bounds of what is decent and yet also make me laugh a lot.

[@1111Tactical]

Most of these kids seem to grasp the concept.

[@Terminal-Man]

Sounds like the kid’s older brother is a jerk. “I get dibs on top bunk.”

[@arcdusky]

My favorites: 1:28 "Little Brother Eating Legos Makes the Number of Legos Go Down" 1:56 "The Panda Bear Wake You Up and Then the People Die" 4:01 "Everyone Tries to Run Away From the Virus, But It Doesn't Work" 10:44 "A Girl Poops In Her Pants Forever"

[@susanedwards7993]

Zinc ointment when you change the diapers!

[@buggyapp]

Our family calls farts "fluffies".

[@patrickperkinson3265]

Pork butt, also known as a Boston butt is the cut you cook to get pulled pork.

[@direbearcoat7551]

Some of those were really great! LOL

[@Threedog1963]

Pork butt does smell gooooood. Slow cooked with the right seasonings. Pulled pork cuban sandwiches. C'mon man!

[@MrERRada]

This is my first video by you guys. This was too funny. 😂

[@motoputz3201]

2:27 pork butt is a pork's shoulder, aka boston butt

[@glennwatson3313]

I like how half of these kid's headlines are going over your head.

[@glurp1]

That Large Marge reference came out of nowhere and hit me like a truck.

[@BRAVE_NEW_1984]

Haha. More of these please!

[@BruceLinderDPT]

Eating Legos makes the number of Legos go down...but only for a little while.

[@bgood6930]

Love you Babylon Bee!

[@dalevonthun5257]

Let me explain. If said child is in the top bunk he can not kneel by his bed side to pray. I thought it was pretty good for a child addressing the importance of prayer.😊

[@debbiewilson9712]

What is Pork Butt???? Come to Kansas City and I'll show you!!!!!

[@jonathansanders7756]

8% of “bad kids” sleeping on top bed caught levitating while praying! Sources say prayers delivered to wrong address!

[@nanettie]

He is 12. If he goes to public school, he has an idea what it means.

[@ashtonmasters9831]

The top bunk is literally genius!!!!

[@JoIyke]

How did you guys not get the Top Bunk joke? I feel that's proof you guys should hire that guy. 😀

[@cindycampbell3761]

The headline of "People butt smells bad. Pork butt smells good" should be in "Not the Bee" as this is fact

[@dabombcra]

The kids deserve a raise

[@FredRated1967]

Pork butt roast is actually the shoulder of the pig. It's fairly cheap and delicious. I cook on low in a crock pot with some onions, taters and carrots.

[@Ruiluth]

"Pope poops in the woods; Catholic bears horrified"

[@nankerphelge326]

How to fish chicken out of the chocolate fountain without being obvious.

[@youknowbetter1509]

"Loutah..." half Cajun, half Mormon.

[@skip6557]

Awesome!

[@FakenameStevens]

My suggestion: Fast voice at the end of the ad said terms and conditions do not apply, company gets bankrupted by children. "So what if we said you didn't have to be 18 to use our website?" Bob Company, the CEO of the company stated.

[@Jdak4797]

Telling a kid to go to consoling 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@YSLRD]

I loved the panda.

[@chadjones4255]

Zinc/Stink - sounds like a clever reference to all the rhyme puns in dad jokes.

[@PHYTEthePOWAH]

Im subscribing immediately after I get out of this grocery store

[@Aaron.Reichert]

Y'all had me at the Legos one