The Case for Marrying an Older Man: Editor Reviews

[@Incrediblugh]

I can’t move past the fact that all the benefits she lists are the benefits of marrying rich not necessarily marrying older…

[@manuelsilva6244]

Which is all that attracts women to older men. Its the status and the money. The maturity is just an excuse. Most women that want to marry older men are immature themselves.

[@nickthompson1812]

And how many young men are rich? Experience gives you earning potential.

[@megan-mr9vk]

@@nickthompson1812it’s not the experience. it’s the opportunity to make good money drying up as time goes on. plus, the older you get, the more time you’ve had to save and invest. it’s not because older people are inherently smarter or made better career decisions. you’d think maturity come with age, but a lot of times it doesn’t.

[@aguawassereau3372]

@@nickthompson1812I mean 30 isn’t even middle aged, lol. If he had a ton of money by that age then he likely inherited it anyways, meaning he would’ve been more or less just as rich at 20 (I haven’t read the essay, so my apologies if it turns out he’s a tech bro or something).

[@Itsanit_Isnt_It]

Ik both my mom and my grandma married men older than them and their lives are/were not anything like what the author describes.

[@evanderson92]

"You can't marry into personal growth. The only way to build your sense of self and maturity is through facing challenges and overcoming them. That's it. There's no shortcut." Mic drop.

[@durcheinander5554]

Very good perspective on nepo babies in arts, too. Like yeah, people dislike you. Because you've been handed your career on a silver platter and there is no relatability OR MATURITY in your work.

[@akshayde]

Well.. If anybody had a choice like women have, they wouldn't CHOOSE to go through hardships and challenged. Anyway does this mean that homeless people aren't mature? Because they seem to have the hardships but they haven't overcome it?

[@durcheinander5554]

@@akshayde Umm... Plenty of women choose that. My bf earns more than me but it's me who pushed for splitting costs 50/50 since day one. I would never choose to be the "child" who asks for pocket money in exchange for a relationship. You let them buy you and they will throw it in your face if they're not satisfied with the purchase. Re: homeless people, in their situation it's a challenge to even survive, so I think they're pretty admirable.

[@akshayde]

@durcheinander5554 i agree with everything. But it doesn't negate that plenty choose that option too. The homeless people point was just to disagree that maturity happens solely through overcoming problems.

[@en2336]

@@akshayde well if you go through hardships, you may OR may not mature, let's say 50% for the sake of example. but if you choose to not go through hardships, you don't get the opportunity to grow through overcoming those challenges, so there is a 0% chance you will mature.

[@tallgeek1131]

What drives me up the wall with the Lolita references is that Lolita the novel is so powerful and evocative in the narrator’s guilt spiral over what he did to Dolores and he’s trying SO HARD to cling onto his last excuses to clear his conscience, and then the article is… “teehee we have an age gap isn’t that ✨silly✨😘”

[@SiobhanBrierAguilar]

Yes. Nabokov was sooo careful with his research and approach. I read once that he took notes on childhood sexual abuse and trauma in his diary so he could write the book, then after the book was done, he went back and carefully blacked out his research line by line. To see the story memefied years later is bizarre

[@kathrynturnbull990]

Also, Nabokov was deliberately writing an unreliable narrator in Lolita and it's depressing how many people (and film adaptations) don't seem to acknowledge this in any way.

[@alicem0227]

​@SiobhanBrierAguilar It's loosely debated if Nabokov was himself a victim of CSA, sort of inferred from Lolita as a product, along with some comments about an uncle. Also I will never not be absolutely horrified that people read Lolita and decided to make it a movie. I just genuinely cannot grasp how one could have the gall, or the ability to pitch the concept to others, like??????

[@timgreenglass]

@@SiobhanBrierAguilar - have you read Nabokov's novel "ADA"?

[@kathrynturnbull990]

@@alicem0227 I share your horror and am retrospectively relieved that I did not go through with marriage to my ex-fiance, who totally bought the idea that Lolita was a seductress. 😩

[@marinova1147]

10 years? She made him sound like he was a 70 year old aritstocrat. Idk what Europe she's living in but most guys 10 years older than me - 32 are still in the figuring out stage of life

[@MCArt25]

To a girl in her early 20s I'm sure mid 30s sounds super old.

[@redargylesocks]

I was going to comment the same thing. If you think you’re going to be bagging yourself a mature, emotionally and financially stable husband by dating a 30 year old, I suspect you will be disappointed in many instances. I’m glad that it worked out for this writer, but her descriptions of her relationship don’t sound like something unique to this, but just what being with a good and loving partner feel like.

[@adm-nu8nk]

Imagine the 30 year old guy saying “this is the wine we’ll drink”

[@VinnieSajan]

Yeah I'm 32 and know so many people my age and you're right, only a handful of us have it "figured out" so to speak. I think I'm almost there though. Haha.

[@katyalambo]

Yup. I dated a 32 year old when I was 23 and he was and still is one of the most immature men I’ve ever met.

[@epicviewerJJ]

29:19 “and I do wonder if this writer’s decision to marry into the life she wanted instead of building the life she wanted could’ve somewhat stunted her maturation” GOD. You hit what I think is the nail on the head here. I personally think it’s sad to see; it’s sad to see that people don’t want to grow and mature together with their partner. And probably there’s a lot of societal factors that also reinforce age gaps, especially for women/girls, but I also think it’s a red flag in a person if they aren’t interested in that process of maturing. I have a lot of unwarranted thoughts on this lol but I think it’s something worth introspection for those people interested in such relationships.

[@Jamhael1]

That is the issue: we must stop this constant self-insertion on others - this is not empathy, this is "main character syndrome". No one live the same experiences, think the same, believe the same, or are the same - the actions of the author are beyond your control, so why bother?

[@luisapaza317]

Your have a good reasoning about this. Could be related to the transactional aspect of relationships in capitalism/or society criteria

[@Jamhael1]

@@luisapaza317 all relationships are transactional - a constant exchange of reciprocity. To believe otherwise is insane...

[@littletinyegg]

Here from the Tendler video and I'm already obsessed. please keep making videos!!

[@AnnieKhurana]

Same❤

[@Arielelexxus]

Same 😂

[@jacobryanpaul2897]

Same!

[@xaqary]

Me three

[@Cindyhelene]

Me too!

[@evi6629]

I feel like if you want to convince your readers an age gap relationship is a good idea, the *last* thing you'd want to do is repeatedly reference a story about a young girl being groomed. You talking about how her style is better suited for fiction really opened my eyes, because in a short story, this allusion would probably work a lot better. The story contrasting a (fictional) case of predation with a relationship that is seen as predatory by others but that our narrator asserts is not. Because unlike Dolores she is an adult and chose this for herself. And yet, despite knowing the difference, its inclusion will inevitably leave the reader with a kind of unease, wondering if she's right. That's a good feeling for a fictional story to provoke. Less so for an opinion piece on how marrying out of your age bracket is the best.

[@animeotaku307]

Kinda like what “My Dark Vanessa” by Kate Elizabeth Russell did.

[@helenefritzsche9972]

Judging by the title of the essay I would expected him to be 15+ years older than her and not ten. By that logic I also married an "older men" , since my husband is 9 years older than me. We met when I was 26 so not quiet as young as she was, but I honestly think the main gap between them stems from a difference in wealth and work/life experience. Ten years is not nothing if you are only 20, obviously, but it seems that him being well off is putting her ahead (in her head) of her peers. I make double what my husband makes and while he often is more laid back about life I don't think that him being "older" has actually put me ahead in life.

[@Bsskhwvsh]

L

[@melaniefrank7413]

Yes!!!! This is what I came here to say…. My husband is 18 years older…. 10 years is not worth commenting on.

[@theskyizblue2day431]

What does your boyfriend think about your husband?

[@nikolavojnovic6552]

How many children do you have?

[@genevarockeman9721]

I'm baffled that this girl sees womans' aging as a decline instead of an opportunity for growth and self-construction... which she DOES believe men have access to as they age. What a bummer. I feel so much more artistically aware and capable the older I get. What does she believe her future holds?

[@JeantheSecond-ip7qm]

Sadly, my experience with aging is tainted by chronic illness, so I always feel pain and exhaustion, but I have more confidence and I’m more capable (not physically, because of fibromyalgia, but intellectually) than ever. It’s hard to explain.

[@aR0ttenBANANA]

@@JeantheSecond-ip7qmbut that experience is not inherent to womanhood or uncommon in manhood which makes it weird to bring up as a difference.

[@nicky_hashtag4264]

Yea I married my wife for her “artistic awareness”. Good grief. Accept reality. Beauty is the most valuable thing a woman possesses to a partner because youth is beauty and so therefore beauty equals fertility. Watching your mate push a human out of her body is awe inspiring and creates a bond unlike any other. You can make yourself better for yourself and your job and your kids and your family, but none of that increases your appeal in the dating and marriage marketplace. The woman in this article wants a traditional role in a traditional relationship. She is not looking to struggle and fight in the corporate world. She wants a softer life with a partner who values her for who she is right now and they can grow together.

[@genevarockeman9721]

@nicky_hashtag4264 my dear boy, some people's partners love them from the beginning, both for who they are and who they will grow to be. Also, unattractive people fall in love and get married all the time. Imagining oneself to be primarily decorative is doing a true disservice to both you and your partner and is really quite sad. We're more than meat sacks. 💖

[@JeantheSecond-ip7qm]

@@nicky_hashtag4264 You’re why women are going 4B. We’re more than baby making factories.

[@larynadams1127]

1:20 the article sounds so out of touch. Feminism doesn't give you ease bc we live in a hyper capitalist society that requires us to work for basic necessities. Patriarchy can't even give you ease unless you marry rich. She gained "ease" at the expense of her husband being able to have it. He works so she doesn't have too. Not everyone can have that regardless of Feminism. And there's no guarantee that she'll keep him for long.

[@SW23252]

I would also argue even marrying rich does not always guarantee "ease". Perhaps financial ease, but emotional? That's trickier. Marrying for financial safety often takes a high mental toll.

[@julest9182]

@@SW23252 i agree 1000%!! if you marry for money, you will spend the rest of your life working for it. it is NOT "easy" the work will come, just not at first

[@ladygrey4113]

@@SW23252also aren’t there a bunch of “ex traditional wives” like that one ex Mormon who despite being a business builder/manager she did the good wife thing of leaving it under hubby’s name and when he cheated on a younger woman and divorced her she had nothing to her name. You’re financial well-being shouldn’t be dependent on your husband finding you hot

[@SW23252]

@ladygrey4113 YEP!

[@sarahshugg3928]

Growth is not easy. There is no ease if you are not happy in stasis.

[@lex7384]

i think the labor in a hospital line wasn't a reference to a victorian novel, but to the notion that women can and should "have it all." i would interpret "labor in the office and in the hospital" to be about birthing children, doing the work of motherhood, and still also having to work in the public sphere on top of that.

[@SiobhanBrierAguilar]

Oh you are so right. Labor (as in childbirth) in the hospital and labor (as in work) in the office. That’s quite clever; good eye

[@essay_sparkles]

@@SiobhanBrierAguilarit's quite unfortunate that the author "mixes up" their thoughts like that, she talks about books, then uses ":", mentions vampirism for some reason, and then all of a sudden throws in a metaphor about childbirth and an office job :\ lmao. Very confusing indeed 😅 Especially if u have read a lot of good stuff, where ":" moments tend to make sense X) see I haven't, so I understood what she meant easily 🤣🤣

[@essay_sparkles]

(Well I was made to read classical books, but they were in my native language)

[@personneici2595]

That was my immediate thought too

[@amandagareis7876]

Absolutely! That's what I heard, but the sloppy writing does imply that that's one of her sage lessons drawn from ViCtoRiAN LiTraChUre deep reads or whatever. And random unrelated thought half way through the video...this poor derpy kid is going to have a rough time when time inexorably confiscates her flesh pony tail, spunky stepping style, ripe eggs and pert boobies etc.

[@Chaosqueenngami]

That line about feminism not providing “ease” was both misogynistic and misandrist. The only way to have an easy life is by putting all your burdens and responsibilities onto someone else. If that’s what you want then say it with your chest but don’t blame feminism for that. Feminism is about freeing both women and men from being saddled with responsibilities they didn’t ask for. For fully sharing physical and mental loads in a relationship so no one person gets burned out by carrying the full weigh of a successful relationship on their shoulders.

[@hb-robo]

Well said. Until we are truly in some post work society, “ease” is a strange demand. Obviously we don’t want needless hardships like those of today either, but still, there is suffering happening right now to benefit most of us in this comment box. first world countries get it “easy” because they exploit others. To be in one of those exploitative places and still fail to see the invisible transactions of life is genuinely concerning. As an aside, most Ivy grads I have met feel similarly detached from reality.

[@dismurrart6648]

Thank you! My partner makes enough that i could stop working and wed still have a decent life. I work though and am trying to get a better job though because he is my PARTNER. Hes not my dad, not my bank account and im his partner. I can't be a self actualized person if i am relying on him to do everything and he can't bear both of our burdens for us. We support each other.

[@branna997]

This really reminds, especially the end, me of that quote in Mad Men from Megan’s father: “I always thought you were very single-minded about your dreams and that would help you in life. But now I see that you skipped the struggle and went right to the end… I hate that you gave up, Don’t let your love for this man stop you from doing what you want to do.” I’m 27 right now and while I definitely think I’m much more wise than when I was, say, 20, I absolutely will not be suggesting what I did as a way for people to get ahead in life. The subject and message of her essay seems to accidentally reveal too much of herself, or at least make the reader draw concerning conclusions. This would be great writing if it was fiction, as you say, but as not only a reflection of her life and choices but a recommendation to others? Methinks the lady protest too much.

[@samaraisnt]

A factionalized novel would have ATE. A “advice for young ladies” that followed patriarchy anyway just…sunk. I don’t think she has enough self awareness to see her own life. Great quote!

[@mimipeahes5848]

I appreciate the kindness and empathy you approached this with. It’s very easy to be mean-spirited in the name of criticism (something I’m working on myself). I think you’re filling a gap that’s been empty for a while in spaces involving “bad” writing.

[@hb-robo]

Just left a similar comment. The criticism sphere online is a travesty right now, it’s just hit pieces and the rarer breathless, fawning praise. A gentle voice with good points raised commands attention. She is probably a good editor irl

[@alexh6322]

A baby for a berkin and a Lolita comparison for your happy adult marriage are so wild

[@martian8987]

Its like arrested development

[@bebitter]

I am obsessed with your channel, you're really filling a void on KZbin! Plus you're very charismatic and smart. So glad I found your video on Anna Marie Tendler :)

[@mcheesey123]

Agreed!

[@yamiwhaaa]

Same here! Liked the analysis in this video too.

[@samanthaharper9522]

I was going to say the same thing ! You’ve been getting me through work 😭

[@likeliterallyliza]

Agreed! I’m always on the look out for a Thought Daughter KZbinr and I’m so happy I found Siobhan :)

[@vanessahobbes3072]

Same! So nice to listen to while I’m working too

[@Mallowolf]

This does seem like the author is looking back at things that pain her about her life, and trying to clumsily paint over them with the patina of it all being a cool-headed chess game she was playing all along. The mixture of bragging and being un-self aware is not something contented people do. Also, if I was her husband I would be very sad reading this.

[@amberwingtundrawing776]

I think a lot of people try to comfort themselves this way, it's probably not healthy

[@R_S747]

Yeah I mean clearly she realized she wasn't exactly cut out for success in her chosen career lol

[@ladygrey4113]

Npr had an interview with a woman who wrote a book about her marriage to a much older man whom post his death admits he groomed her a a high schooler. She lost a lot of connections with her family because she ran away with a then married man as a kid. Even her own children are incredulous she ran off with him.

[@hb-robo]

Right. The paint peeling back to reveal a person not very confident in her life choices is definitely, definitely not intentional and probably fatally wounds the piece

[@Piface2099]

100%

[@jennyariane]

I do really love this video. One thing that did occur to me is that I think the article writer was referring to herself in such a highly gendered, male-gaze-y way intentionally. It seems to me that she was thinking of herself as how men would ideally perceive her, and objectifying herself, in order to envisage her own attractiveness from the outside; rather than focusing on her own perception of herself or her internal world.

[@mariii7346]

It honestly made me so sad for her when those parts came up. I remember from a young age, and how, through the media's make gaze, I started thinking about myself in the same way she is (at least in writing). I don't think no woman can relate to being hyper aware of their body and seeing themselves through the eyes of others, specially through the eyes of the men you know, I know I relate. Unfortunately, that focus on the exterior and what the outside is saying about you, makes it so one will forego any internal focus and the insight that comes from within. This is why she mentions her best attribute being her youth, because she possibly (I do not actually know her), does not know herself enough and what she does know, she may dismiss because it seemingly does not get this constant, subtle and not so subtle, societal approval, ie. The male gaze

[@Jamhael1]

​​@@mariii7346 no - from the perspective presented, she just took a very hard look into her own self, the reality that surrounded her, the chances of achieving what she wanted, her conditions within her reach, and took the most pragmatic and fast path to what she wanted: an easy life. Its not that complicated - its just that simple: she saw the people around her struggling, and she just was BRUTALLY HONEST with the fact that struggle is not to be romanticized. Pain teaches nothing. Struggle teaches nothing. Philosophy started because a person had literally the time and the energy to do something else instead of survival. As a men, I have to admit: she was smart.

[@MichelleSmith-gt1py]

@@Jamhael1 who said struggle was to be romanticised?

[@liveformusic10x]

​@Jamhael1 the idea that struggle teaches nothing shows the same lack of introspection that the author shows. Struggle for basic survival should be unnecessary, but struggling to reach your goals breeds growth and a deeper understanding of oneself. In the case of the author's goals and life path, I think your statement is simply untrue.

[@Jamhael1]

@MichelleSmith-gt1py anyone who believe that a romantic relationship must have the emotional ups-and-downs of a mexican telenovela.

[@Volvandese]

The thing I keep coming back to is that this isn't even an essay about marrying an older man. It's about marrying a RICH man. I know tons of women with husbands 10 years their senior, and none of them are living lives of beachfront luxury. Most men in their 30s are not rich. Also being in your 30s isn't old, so there's that.

[@meredithgletty9129]

Couldn't she have just married a rich man at any age with these arguments? It would have been awesome if she'd gone full villain and had like an 84-year-old husband... we can support women's wrongs IF they write well ❤

[@kathham9342]

Exactly!! I’ve been thinking this whole time that all of the things she’s talking about come from marrying rich, not old!!

[@teoconserv9954]

This is the most valid critique of the article. It's titled "the case for marrying an older man", yet none of the arguments causally require an age-gap, the age-gap is not even that large in today's society and neither is the correlation between age and wealth or the ability to provide a happy comfortable life.

[@kaitlin8562]

I discovered you via your Anna Marie Tendler book review and now I’m delving into your other videos. Your voice is a breath of fresh air. I appreciate your nuanced approach and your articulate, kind critiques. Your ending statement of gratitude for the opportunities to discuss the concepts explored in these divisive pieces warms my heart. I’ve realized how badly I craved this sort of content in a world of fast paced, cynical news and gossip cycles. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing.

[@xLiLlyx98]

Huh. I read a phenomenal (opinion?) piece on The Cut titled "Cheating on my abusive parents" about a woman finding something like "replacement parents" (and later grandparents for her kid) which helps her finally let go of her own all around abusive parents. It's fantastically written and I was a little taken aback that this is apparently from the same source haha

[@emmakane6848]

It’s probably similar to Medium, where the barrier to being officially published is much lower than a traditional outlet. The quality of a piece depends on the writer’s individual skill, rather than the website’s standards.

[@xLiLlyx98]

@emmakane6848 yeah... But if that's more the exception than the rule I probably got very lucky 😂😂

[@samaraisnt]

The Cut isn’t bad but sometimes they use controversial pieces which look, it worked, you’re all talking about them now lol.

[@romannumeral5026]

@@emmakane6848 The Cut is a traditional outlet; it's part of New York Magazine. it's very hard to get published in the cut, whereas Medium is more like self-publishing

[@MrsScorpionette]

Great analysis, as a person in age gap relationship (much much bigger than the author's) I find it distasteful how she writes about age gap relationships. As if age gap is this great thing - it's not. It's a chasm of generations, life experiences, life expectancy and characters - that can be bridged, until time catches up with us all. Age gap in relationships to me should be approached with great nuance and care (due to power imbalance, patriarchy etc) instead of recommended as if it's a solution to life problems. Thank you for the nuanced breakdown of this piece - I especially appreciated pointing out the grammar issues and discourse surrounding them in literature.

[@sashasun1402]

^^^

[@scottbuck1572]

They shouldnt be done, full stop. Date people your own age or don't date

[@MrsScorpionette]

@@scottbuck1572... Why? If both people are fully developed adults (25+) and consenting to the relationship, what's wrong with that?

[@R_S747]

Wait her husband is only 10 years older? Beyond 25 that barely even counts as 'older'. Shes not even all that qualified to write this obnoxious essay

[@nickklavdianos5136]

What do you mean beyond 25 barely counts as older? A five year age gap can qualify as older. 10 years is a lot of time especially if you're young.

[@R_S747]

@nickklavdianos5136 what do YOU mean? At 25 you're a fully grown fully developed adult. That's what I mean. It's so obvious and so clear what I mean. 25 is young but it's not THAT young. She's talking about her husband like he's 50 years old.

[@abbyabroad]

This is fascinating, as I was someone who was determined not to let my youth be wasted on the young, though not for reasons quite as patriarchal or sexist. That said, I married young and it blew up in fantastic fashion in less than two years, so ... I don't know what her future holds, but my greatest power and healing definitely came well into my 30s when I actually got some therapy and found some self-worth inside myself. The saddest thing about the article is the fact that she believes women have a "tragically short window of power." It's such a cliché, but even as I do enjoy looking nice and staying fit, I glory in the fact that my value comes from many many places beyond my appearance, and I hope she comes to grasp that too--because otherwise, what is the value in life after a woman reaches a certain age?

[@kathrynturnbull990]

I also thought that was so sad: her words imply that the only power women have is the power to be desirable in the eyes of men, and particularly a "high status" man. That's a very narrow view and disempowering in many ways...

[@gumbilicious1]

Men can be just as myopic, I know a guy who took a lot of pride in his strength. He had some serious health issues recently and it is like he has to figure out what he is again. Unfortunately, people like this often don’t really set themselves up to be much more than their fleeting “strength” or “beauty”, and it can be rough to see them struggle when coming to terms with losing it.

[@mylesleggette7520]

@@kathrynturnbull990 You're missing the point, I think. The piece is a part of a series about "life on easy mode." Exploring relying on one's naturally bestowed strengths rather than relying on strengths that comes from the hard work of developing one's character and standing is the entire point of the series. This is actually a countercultural point in today's value system, where the opinions you express about how one should live to reach the top of Maslow's pyramid are the norm. Men building their lives around their athleticism and strength is a great example.

[@alwaysright3943]

So your solution is to delude yourself about reality? Women’s no. 1 agency is their sex appeal, which peaks at their early 20’s. Even average women are highly desired at that age, whereas most men are never sexually desired at any point in their lives.

[@gumbilicious1]

@@alwaysright3943 your statement is fairly valid in a world where individual survival requires family pairing. realistically, it doesn't even matter the woman's sex appeal in a such a society because most marriages were arranged anyway, so sex appeal didn't matter as much as social status of the family. in modern western society individual survival is no longer tied to attracting a mate. we may get more benefit from being attractive, we may feel better about ourselves but women in modern western society are granted agency outside their ability to reproduce. you don't have to take my word on that, the amount of single and childless middle age women demonstrate that women can survive outside of a relationship with a man pretty well. i don't speak on what should be, ethics or morality, the place of people in society, or how happy these people are. all that is incredibly debatable. i do speak on the comment about women's "agency". i will fully acquiesce that women's ability to attract men in their early 20's is well enough accepted, and this does provide them with certain options men would not have, i would refute that it is their "no. 1 agency", that is only the case if the woman allows it to be the case. in fact, i would say men could allow their sex appeal to be their no. 1 agency as well, it would just be far more unreliable to do so. either way, i think allowing for sex appeal to be your most important attribute would be a disservice to oneself, i would not recommend it. at the same time, i would fully dissuade people from neglecting their appearance and to make effort into being attractive, i think it is pretty healthy

[@ritac9769]

I almost want to say that 10 years is not enough of an age gap to really be an "age gap relationship". Theres definitely the largest maturity gap between 20 and 30 but only if the older person has actually spent the last 10 years if their life maturing. I've known plenty of men in their 30s who focus on their career at the expense of their personal growth. When youre 30 you're still young and attractive, still healthy, and in many ways share the same culture and zeitgeist as a person who is 20. This essay seems more like the confession of a woman who thinks she's found a female cheat code to life by marrying a man with a career, and has little insight into what an actual age gap relationship entails. The inclusion of Lolita references supports this - seems like she's just trying to live out a taboo fantasy. Except she didnt have to deal with being younger and being groomed, didnt have to grapple with meeting her partner through a questionable power imbalance situation, and she'll never have to come to terms with a major difference in life expectancy from her husband or having a father to her children be super old. So idk if this is even about age gaps but more a self congratulatory essay about a woman who things she's extra smart for marrying a slightly older man with an income.

[@kathrynturnbull990]

yeah, agreed, congratulating yourself on how much smarter you are than everyone around you is not a good look. Gross.

[@d00mbunni]

This analysis seems pretty spot on to me. When the 10 years was brought up, I was a little surprised. Then again, I remember thinking 30 yos were old af at 20, so perhaps she was also including the worldly experience gap she felt? I’m interested in what her age is now, was it mentioned? As I have aged, obviously I consider a 10-year gap much less of a taboo, or issue or whatever, when both people have experienced more, either together or by themselves. It seems obvious she still considers it some sort of great factor in their relationship, hence the entire self-congratulatory article. Amazing video! I’m loving this literary analysis of pop culture format.

[@bookisland6515]

@@d00mbunniSiobhan mentions she is 27 now

[@scottbuck1572]

Men become literal trolls past age 25, what are you talking about "still young and hot?" As a 25-year-old guy, this is not true for men 😂

[@enotsnavdier6867]

​@@scottbuck1572 Maybe you did, but don't put that on the rest of us

[@freebird-c8b]

Age gap relationships generally seem to be about ego.. an ego boost for the younger woman because an older man is easy to get. An ego trip for the older man because it supports a delusion that he is either younger and or more powerful than he is. Overall, seems cheap on both ends.

[@yltraviole]

@@InTecknicolour That begs the question, do you want children or do you want to leave a genetic legacy? If your desire is the first, there are always other paths to parenthood in a relationship with someone your own age as well, like fostering or adoption, if IVF doesn't work out (it usually does) or isn't an option. If you have your heart set on the second one, well... I won't tell anyone to not pursue the relationship they want, as long as it's legal, but I will say it doesn't speak for a man's (or woman's) character if their focus in parenthood is how much DNA they share with the child.

[@yltraviole]

@@InTecknicolour I'm pretty sure I already addressed that in my previous comment.

[@theskyizblue2day431]

@@yltraviole what a ridiculous statement. Nobody is buying this crap. Sounds like you cheated on your partner and gave birth to kids from a secret man, and now you want us all to believe that DNA doesn't really matter

[@chocodiamonds08]

I have a master’s in creative writing, and the way you break down some of these writing concepts was more instructive than almost any writing class I’ve taken. This kind of writing instruction is amazing and so necessary!

[@TinRaTin]

I need your opinion on Sally Ronney's writting. You have brilliant breakdowns.

[@mariacamilanossahernandez9416]

Is like read the column of Carrie Bradshaw. Btw, your video is amazing! you´re very clear and easy to understand!

[@SiobhanBrierAguilar]

Thank you very much! I am still learning about the whole audio/ visual side of this :)

[@bookisland6515]

i thought so too! it reminded me of when i *attempted to read sex and the city lol

[@caitlinfoster9508]

The problem is she's writing like a period romance novel and not like a journalist. The dramatic flair she's got going on comes off as unlikeable in this format, but she should try her hand at period fiction. I bet she would be much more successful.

[@j.e.6372]

It’s absolutely fascinating how her essay, knowing her age, disproves her point. Oftentimes when people end up with a much older partner (especially before the age of 25), they seem to stall in personal growth because they have exchanged one parental dynamic for another. When she initially noticed that youth was the most important thing for a woman, she was young enough to believe it. Her own experience felt like proof, but that was because she HAD no experience (she was 20!) She made a choice based on the perception of a 20 year old insecure woman, and it sounds like she’s written this piece to try and justify that choice, which she has to or else she might have to open to the idea she was wrong. Her piece makes me feel bad for her, tbh. It’s coming across like she’s purposefully avoided the type of growth that would have complicated her black and white thinking about men and women.

[@alwaysright3943]

Your comment is absolutely meaningless and there’s zero basis for any of your claims. It’s funny that you think a 20 year old woman is insecure relative to her older self whose looks have faded and her options with men are more limited.

[@j.e.6372]

@ You feel women are more valuable at 20 than at 28, to yourself as a man, and to all other men. This is your opinion. I assume you are unsuccessful romantically and resent women if you’ve come to this conclusion about their value to themselves. This does not make my initial read of the writer any more true or false than your read. Neither of us know her. But I know many women, and am a woman. Women in their late 20’s tend to have higher self-esteem, and higher standards for love, than they did at 20. The woman who wrote the article does not seem to have developed the healthy self-esteem of a woman who made her way in the world without an older male/father figure guiding her as a partner, so she’s needed to double-down despite how hollow and immature her perception of the world is compared to other women her age. Her writing sounds like a cope for her own choices as a young woman. I reads like she knows something is off but isn’t quite to the point of acceptance.

[@alwaysright3943]

@@j.e.6372 " I assume you are unsuccessful romantically and resent women" Thanks for putting the stupid stuff early on so I don't bother reading the rest of it.

[@j.e.6372]

@@alwaysright3943 thank you for proving my point and not fighting back. Acceptance is the first step.

[@alwaysright3943]

@@j.e.6372 Sure, I accept that you're not the sharpest tool in the shed. I will no longer respond to you, you can have the last word, since you clearly care so much to take it.

[@strawberrylove5684]

I love your objectivity and calm! Also your encouragement at the end of the video. I’m striving to become more like that myself. Being overly judgy has been a character flaw of mine for a long time, and whenever I see people with your overall attitude, I try to take notes for my own improvement

[@bouncingbuttons7441]

excellent analysis! i'm always very glad to see someone have an engaging take on something that is socially dismissed, and i think your critical thinking abilities are something i aspire to

[@SiobhanBrierAguilar]

Thank you so much for watching and for taking the time to comment

[@krb2896]

"But ultimately she criticizes feminism for not offering her something which her older husband did..ease." No honey its not feminism that you should be criticizing its wealth inequality. Its life on easy street if you don't have to worry about how you're going to pay your bills and that has nothing to do with age. Just look at all the senior citizens who still have to work in order to afford to live.

[@audreybeale753]

Great analysis! Would love to see more breakdowns from you. Makes me miss my english courses in college all over again.

[@Sara-sn5gd]

I went to read the article: it's far less woman hating than the title may imply, I'll give it that, but the lack of perspective is felt. The author tries to frame this whole thing as a help for women, concerned with how women do too much, get devalued too quick, don't get credit and are on a really tight timeline. To this, she uncritically suggest marrying older (not really acknowledging that even 'marrying older' has a limit because if you're dating a 40 year old at 20, you'll be a nurse to a 60 year old at 40... Assuming you're not replaced of course). But what was really bizarre is when she talks about a world of more opportunities for women, more flexible work. How exactly does she expect that to happen if we are just to work within the system and preempt everything by marrying old (honestly, marrying rich is more ampt, but that would show the limits of that argument way too well). You think your husband will work for this vision of your future? If it were that easy, suffragettes wouldn't have to exist. All this to say her arguments are about as immature as her writing.

[@Boahemaa]

Either the writer is not married to an older man and this is just bad fiction or she resents her situation so much she relates to fictional women who feel trapped in romantic relationships or are in abusive relationships.

[@joedonelson5901]

I think a third option is the one posited by this video: the author doesn’t understand her own references, and doesn’t understand what makes her own existence worthwhile. She’s insecure in herself, and her security is offered by her husband. Which she does actually say in the piece. Maybe her husband is a good man, for the reasons she writes about. I’m just worried that she doesn’t understand what makes her a good woman

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

@@joedonelson5901 I got the impression that she was significantly older (though certainly not mature) by some of the lines, which implied she had passed her prime. Does she think she's "expired" at 27?

[@emmanarotzky6565]

TIL the actual difference between that and which! I’ve just been doing it off vibes 😅

[@gabsnarwhal4687]

I was about to go to sleep and I stumbled upon this video, I was so invested that I watched the whole thing. Great breakdown of this essay, and I liked that you didn't take personal blows at the writer. I will say, I never had heard of this essay and when I found out their age gap was only 10 years it through me for a loop 😭 like yeah he's old compared to her but tbh 30 years old is not some old guy I don't know why they act like he is

[@gabsnarwhal4687]

threw* embarrassing I made a grammar mistake on video like this but oh well

[@SiobhanBrierAguilar]

I felt the same way! Thank you so much for watching and commenting, it means a lot to me 😁

[@glupik1234]

because 20 and 30 are ages apart compared to 30 and 40. Someone who's been an adult for more than a decade and someone who's been is high school a couple years ago and is still young, impressionable and lacking life experience are in a power imbalance. Partially why the 30 year old is being perceived as an old man is because of she describes him as such imo. That was her impression when she was very young and it stayed with her. Like when you're 8 and your friend's 13 year old sibling feels almost impossibly older and closer to an adult than to you.

[@jc3drums916]

@@glupik1234 I think the thing that surprised me isn't just the not-so-large age gap, but the combination of that and how the piece sort of connected the guy's wealth to his age. I haven't finished the video, so I don't know if it was earned, inherited, or a combination of both, but the age/wealth tie-in suggests the former. Earning a fortune by the age of 30 isn't exactly common. I've met plenty of people at that age still working retail while struggling to get their foot in the door of their desired career. It made me think the age gap would be more like 20-25 years.

[@alexdavis360]

"you can't marry into personal growth" OOF

[@Tacosswift]

Another banger ahhh also loving the obvious growth in finding your style from here to the latest video

[@beastlybrooke]

You are so well spoken, I could listen to your thoughts on literally anything. Thank you for so many incredible insights on writing!

[@Alex-pdx]

Thank you for making grammar rules entertaining!

[@AJo-wd2ni]

Ugh I read this is in the cut and my first reaction was to be so mean to this writer for her tone !! I didn’t want to acknowledge that some of her writing was well done bc she came off as so out of touch & she was reinforcing insecurities in me that I try hard to battle each day. The fact that she is 27 and thinks her best years are behind her is tragic. And the fact that her husband confirmed to her that her best physical years are over is also tragic. Thank you for your take on this- it made me both more open minded towards the talent in her writing and helped clarify what it was in her perspective and writing style that I reacted to in such a viscerally negative way (as a 28 year old who certainly did NOT marry rich, & attended a state school for an English degree and pays her own bills). I may be barely paying my bills, but the character development has been priceless. And shouts out to feminism for giving me the right to build the life that I do have, with all its struggles & lack of ease. Gaining competence and confidence has been well worth the wrinkles (that are barely even setting in girl we’re not even 30 yet please)

[@amalia1973]

love love LOVE this analysis as an aspiring english-as-a-second-language writer, please continue this series!

[@johnpoole3871]

I think she is basically correct that if your career plan is a man, then it is best to do when you are young and beautiful and all that. I just question the long term wisdom of that as a choice and speaking as a man that all sounds like a pretty bad deal to me. I would rather have somebody who shared in struggle, not swooped in later on to enjoy whatever success I managed to have, but clearly tons of men out there feel differently.

[@annjay2581]

10 years is really only considered a huge age gap when youre 20yo. As soon as youre 30, no one gives a shit. But maybe she really did hit the lotto when she found a man whos actually mature at 30yo because Ive certainly never dated one lol

[@kittycatcrunchie]

Heyhey! I think she was using "flush" for the ponytail as a synonym for tight, meaning that the hair elastic was flush to her skull, and to give an impression of a well-groomed and manicured hairstyle a la american high school cheerleader: think Betty's high ponytail in the Riverdale TV show. This would likely be to emphasise that nubile, youthful and innocent contrasting image she'd been building of herself up until then.

[@fairyfeather1335]

Yes this!

[@eringallagher6408]

I love your analyses. You're both great at breaking down the aspects needing criticism, but also kind in welcoming people to the writing space.

[@evelynwaugh142]

Hey, I love this video (and your Tendler video)! I'm confused by the "labor, at the office and in the hospital, expected simultaneously" line, too. Out of context, it seems like a pretty clever play on words--the (she argues) modern expectation that women both birth children (go into labor at a hospital) and bring in an income (labor at the office). But I'm not sure how to ground that perspective in Victorian novels, given that women typically birthed at home.

[@GLAASJEMELC]

I have not had the pleasure of learning the technical art of writing yet, so I find your editors comments and suggestions very interesting. They inspire me to learn more 🎉

[@paulhuang2030]

This is an aside, but you are such a great communicator. I feel like you translated all the vagueries and vibes amd emotional reactions into actual critiques that we can actually engage with.

[@KierTheScrivener]

I'm also 27 and it is interesting to see the difference of what I wrote at 20 and wrote now and how this near decade has matured me. I do think I would enjoy her writing as an unlikeable female protagionist in a book like Luster.

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

The main issue, as the video essayist here politely points out, is that I'm not sure this writer could stick the landing if she were writing a frivolous / unlikeable female protagonist. The protagonist would need to go through more struggle and growth than this writer seems to have accomplished.

[@Sknmt5hv]

once again, I love your worldview, and your analyses are really helpful for improving writing-thank you. I hope you keep up the uploads!

[@stevecarter8810]

Learning more about grammar and writing by watching you work than from anything intended to teach me grammar and writing

[@crownprincesslaya2]

12:09 I think “labor in the hospital” was meant to imply the labor of childbirth? At least that was my reading, I agree that it is very unclear lol

[@complicatedh]

Just begun the video and the first thing that comes to mind is that the patriarchy will not save us.

[@___vlc___5730]

love this! I'm a bad writer especially in english since it isn't my native language but well I also don't write well in german. But this is so interesting to understand what is good or bad writing. Also she is ignoring her obvious privilege, she didn't just married older but also rich. And she was probably well of as well if she was able to go to harvard. And in my opinion 10 years isnt that much older, and I would say anybody who is in there 20s dating someone in there 30s will experience some financial freedom since this two life stages are financial quite different.

[@ames8001]

i immediately signed up to your newsletter, i love these! please keep making them. i would love to hear a deep dive on my year of rest and relaxation from you

[@JM-ic9yx]

It’s funny that an older man is just 30

[@broakland2]

I’m loving this video, it’s like getting a chance to sit in on a writing class. Thank you.

[@peterDcontact]

Contra points had actually made a tedtalk ish presentation about this exact thing, presenting the information from a point of view of a fictional character

[@victoriap7215]

I’m so glad I clicked on this video. I think exploring these types of popular pieces through the eyes of an editor was very illuminating. Your clarity and patience made 30 minutes fly by. More please!

[@Juliagulia1]

Fellow English major here. I’ve been working an email job for a while now. I’m feeling disconnected from my passions, so thanks for reminding me what I love about writing. Great video!

[@veronica5lmaa]

The term hospice wives should be more known by younger women. I know some women in their 50s and 60s that married later in life with even older men and their lives full of events with their friends before became something else. They practically became their husband's nurses, can't travel as much, can't go to parties as much. One thing is getting old together, a much different thing is marrying someone who will have health issues much sooner than you. This article contains callous and dumb advice for younger women.

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

I just called this out in a separate comment. Though I don't think the age gap here is insane (10 years), she's already crowing about how she "won" after 7 years. Will she feel the same at 40? 70? This is meant to be a lifetime commitment.

[@Ryan-cb1ei]

And something I noticed as a man, which I might get flak for, is they get praised for staying by their old sick male partner, and that could be out of love, sure, but the truth is many are either fully or somewhat financially dependent on this man or they want his money when he’s gone. So I can’t give them that much sympathy lol. This almost never happens the other way around, which probably explains why men leave sick partners more and women leave their partners more when they lose a job or struggle financially. It is also more popular with the older generations of course to have these more gendered norms where the man earns or earns more, so this might change in the future.

[@qwermi24]

such an interesting and informative video. quickly becoming one of my favorite channels.

[@Ayosubzero]

I learned so much from this one video. I hope you make more videos like this, where you critique the different forms and styles of writing from various modern-day authors. Whether you choose to celebrate or critique the author is where I learn something valuable. I look forward to watching more of these videos.

[@diana-mun411]

As a 30 year old woman dating people my age I find it hilarious that she thinks a 30yo man is mature 😂 First time watching your videos ❤ love your edits and perspective

[@daidipyaa]

oh god, as a 20 year old, I think I'll never be able to find a mature guy 😭 what do you mean men aren't mature by 30-35? 💀 well, men in their 20s clearly aren't but we can give them a benefit of doubt as 20s is just an experimental age.

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

I mean, I guess when you're 20 they might look it, lol.

[@Fixtheproblemwithgoodpolicy]

Also we don't live in Victorian England.

[@li.theo.4]

oh this is really insightful; i really enjoyed it! writing is such an enigmatic thing, and i really love how you break this piece down so clearly & concisely

[@JonSteitzer]

Just discovered you through the algorithm talking about John Mulaney. 2 videos in and I really enjoy your voice and analysis. Thanks!

[@SanktMoritz-oj6nt]

wow, this commentary is so wise and mature and told with so much empathy ❤

[@sarah106rap]

My grandmother married my grandpa when she was 30 and he was 39. They were married just shy of fifty years when my grandpa passed at 85. My grandma is 97 today and just watched me, her only grand daughter, marry at the very same church. I’m 31 and my husband is 39. I hope to have a marriage as long and happy as theirs! Re: the age gap… The worst part about our small age gap is we pretty much need to have children immediately. If we start this year, already my husband will be 50 years old with a 10 year old kid. I don’t like the idea of my children losing their parents young (this happened to my husband), though I know life is uncontrollable. Anyway, we are both ready for children mentally, I just wish we met when we were younger so we could have a few more years to just be married. Not a huge complaint, but if my husband were my age, I’d take ~2 years to chill before thinking about babies. Re: the other stuff the writer mentions… I quit my job when my husband and I were married, just as my grandma did. My husband is financially stable and we both made good investments and saved during our 20s (+ his 30s). I find it such a luxury to have one person at home who deals with all the basic life stuff… Paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, bringing peace and harmony to the home. I also am able to do my creative work “full time” (it’s still basically part time, though with much less stress as house work doesn’t stress me and is when I listen to these videos!) There are always trade offs in life. The best thing we can do is focus on the positives and not make choices out of desperation. I didn’t know my husband’s financial situation when we were dating (we talked more seriously about this stuff when we moved in together - which we did 6 months after meeting!), nor did he know mine. We’re not extravagant people, but we are both serious and hardworking, almost to a fault. Looking for aligned character traits and values in a partner is way more important than superficial qualities like age, bank statement, etc. Being married is really awesome, I must add. After spending my 20s career focused and dating around, (but really not serious about finding a good partner even if I thought I was) I became super serious about it at 29. I used this silly book called “Calling in the One” recommended to me by a therapist and within 6 weeks I met my husband, who I admit, I likely would have passed over before using the workbook to help me focus in on my real partnership goals. Partially because of his age, partially because I was used to dating ultra-charismatic adult children. IYKYK

[@tryharderbabe]

I LOVE your videos. I watched your "Men have called her crazy" video in one sitting. You are so well-spoken and the subjects you discuss have so much nuance.

[@SpeakingJargon]

Thoughtful and well-said! I appreciate both the kindness and thoroughness you offered this author. To borrow a typically mocking comment, "hope she sees this." I empathize with this author a lot. I was also a "precocious" kid. I am also often attracted towards more senior romantic partners. It's very easy to become addicted to the conditional praise of adults. It's also very easy to see the prospect of working hard to develop our skills as conflicting with our self-conception as Special and Good and Not Like The Other Kids. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to this situation.

[@laurascottcary]

My assumption with the line about labor “at the office and in the hospital” was that the author was attempting a play on words to highlight the dichotomy between working/motherhood- labor in this context meaning both work and giving birth? But I guess that doesn’t really apply to Victorian novels?

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

Yeah, it's a good line. There's something there. But as this whole video points out, it needs a solid edit. ...and as the video also points out, we don't know if this was what resulted after extensive editing. Who knows what the initial version looked like.

[@bookishbgg]

Her husband isn't that much older than her, I think it might feel like a big difference because she was 20 and he was 30. If they met when she was 30 and he was 40, it wouldn't be something uncommon or classified as an age gap relationship, in my opinion. I think age gap relationships are mostly okay but having experienced one in my teens and one in my early 20s, I do feel it's often exploitative and too unbalanced. Maybe I'm just projecting but I feel uneasy hearing about teens or young adults in their early 20s not dating within their age group. Also, calling a 30 year old man an older man is kind of laughable, he's older than her but he's not an older man. Most people at 30 are still figuring themselves out or struggling to establish themselves. Most of the benefits she lists don't come from his age but his financial stability or wealth which is most likely inherited but regardless it's not a typical situation of a 30 y. o. man. And there's other things I think are poorly thought out or problematic but I don't feel like repeating things from your video.

[@JessMakingArt]

The part about labor in the office and in the hospital I think was referring to women working and also becoming mothers (labor in hospital). Don’t know what Victorian novel she might be referencing but I think she was mostly excited about the “labor” wordplay and less concerned with making it connect to the novel bit. Idk though…

[@book_and_teacup]

I just watched your video on Anna Marie Tendler, and enjoyed it so much that I subscribed to the channel and even sent a link to a friend. I came to this one and was unfortunately not able to finish the video due to the music, which I noticed wasn't in the Tendler video. Hopefully you'll not add it to any new ones? In case you're on the fence about future videos, here's my vote to ask that you not include music. It's a bit like sitting in a hall, listening to someone give a great lecture, but there's a speaker on the podium playing music. It's exhausting to tune out, much more appropriate in videos where the visual action is the point, not the audio content.

[@clairebrier4969]

Here from the trad wife video- love ur stuff. You should have ur dog in it more

[@Black_pearl_adrift]

I think the annoying thing about age gap relationships is how much everyone talks incessantly about them 🤷🏾‍♀️ those in age gaps are always defensive and those who aren’t in it are always asking obtuse questions like “what does an ___ year old and a ___ year old have in common.” If you’re going to be in one just know it’s incredibly taboo and you will face a lot of judgement.

[@blurredlenzpictures3251]

The writer sounds like she read the last part of Studies on Pessimism a few too many times and didn't realize that was the crazy part.

[@manderly33]

It’s wild to me that someone who has been married for four years thinks they can advise folks to do as they have done. Get back to me after you’ve been married for ten, or twenty years, and then maybe you might know whether marrying the rich man and being dependent on him was a great idea.

[@lotusthemermaid]

13:19 It's almost like she didn't *finish* any of the books she's so proud of having read.

[@AggresivelyBenign]

This is my favorite piece by you so far. I would love to see more of it! 💕

[@SuperHappyNotMerry]

even though I'm usually at least somewhat confident in my skills as a writer, I always become so insecure when I see a clearly competent writer be mocked for writing I thought was perfectly serviceable when I read it. I forget to factor in the obvious bias people can have against "politically incorrect" pieces or authors, so I begin to question my ability to judge what makes good writing. I don't agree with almost anything this author wrote in her piece. in fact, as a feminist, I find her infuriating. but to me it's clear that calling her writing bad is an attempt to discredit her opinion without actually having to put in the work. it's very easy to just say, "well her writing is shit anyway" about a piece you don't agree with than to actually put any thought in to whether it's possible to be a shitty person _and_ a good writer. (it is.) it puts moral weight on the quality of someone's art and I think that's not a good or interesting way of analyzing art. I much more appreciate your thoughtful commentary tbh. you were able to separate the opinion from the actual writing and give her helpful advice because of it

[@JC-wd7ct]

Great content! I think you popped up because I'm a comedy fan and I'm really enjoying your vids!

[@sportel4644]

When the author references labor in the hospital she's referring to childbirth. I can't think of any victorian novels about office work, though lol.

[@tiffanyshan2321]

Love the thought you put into this video. I learned a lot. Please make more videos like this!

[@katelynnharrison-r3o]

Make more videos… please. I am entrhralled with your analysis of these pieces.

[@janinek5258]

You are so smart! I really enjoyed hearing your perspective on this essay

[@VoIcanoman]

Regarding the author's "flush" ponytail, I believe that this is the word she meant to use. However, there are multiple meanings of "flush" that fit the context, leading to a certain amount of ambiguity. Did she mean her ponytail directly abutted her head (e.g. "The walls were carefully framed so that drywall would lie flush against them.")? As my example would suggest, this is a term I primarily hear in a woodworking/construction/design context, but I have seen it used more generally over the last decade. In the case of ponytails, there's a big difference between tightly tying the hair back against the scalp, or having the elastic sit a few centimeters away from the head (the implication being that those with "flush" ponytails really have their shıt together). Or was her intention to say that her ponytail was overflowing/abundant, showing off her thick, healthy hair (e.g. "The river was flush with salmon.")? Or perhaps she was suggesting that the youthful look of her ponytail (in women, ponytails are often seen as a "girlish" hairstyle) conferred a certain vitality to her person (e.g. "If you take my advice, you'll be flush with success."), which I would argue is a distinct meaning from the previous one. Whatever the case, this ambiguity could actually be intentional - she might be trying to imply that she is youthful, healthy and aspirational (or at the very least, that people seeing her hairstyle might _believe_ those things about her). Far from being an example of bad writing, this is exactly the kind of trick that one might find in some of the very best novels (and even poems).

[@Busymemory]

10 years is barely an age gap. Let's talk about 20+ year age gaps. I adore your feedback. I agree it sounded like a novel and not an opinion piece.

[@noam3561]

My interpretation of the Lolita references were that it was what OTHER people were comparing their relationship to which I think, if she is around the same online circles that I have been in, is probably accurate. She seems to be arguing that she is NOT uniquely a victim of this relationship. I also think the line where she is writing in the male gaze is exactly her intention given that it ends with her saying that these are things that men want, despite Progress. Do these things add more to the essay than they take away? I don't know, but I think the author was using them more intentionally than she gets credit for.

[@maddychurchhouse4556]

I love that you actually focus on her craft rather than her self-defense of bourgeoisie kept-womanhood (lol). My mind has been blown by finally learning the difference between "that" and "which". I think "labour at home and in the hospital" is a pun on labour as in giving birth! Which I thought was a really pithy bit of writing! The "vampiric boyfriends" to me seemed like a vague allusion to the whole gothic genre. Like most of her references, they feel either misplaced or too vague to reinforce her point. It seems defensive, insisting that she is "well read" and not a bimbo. Congrats girl, you've read some books on a standard English lit reading list. We already know you went to Harvard. The vampire moment specifically takes away from the labour line, which deserves to stand out. Overall I enjoyed the author's dreamy, witty and sightly bitter voice. I also love a click baity title. I would very much enjoy being rage baited by more of her writing in the future. I'm interested to see what she does.

[@mappplesirrup8473]

12:08 my personal interpretation at least on first glance was that she was talking about work: labor in the office, and pregnancy: labor in the hospital. May be talking about how women are expected to fulfill roles of both bringing in money and also children which can be taxing. Its a little weird to be getting this from a victorian novel so im not sure

[@mappplesirrup8473]

shoot i j scrolled through the comment and saw someone else saying this

[@wisdometernallifethroughveins]

Initially i was upset at the premise because I simply don't like age gap and at 21 rn just the thought of me dating a 20 yr old as a 30 yr old man is so depressing and gross. its the equivalent of dating a junior in HS as 22 yr old, like where in life did I fuck up that badly? there'd have to be a DEEP stagnation of emotional development and maturity in myself to even fathom the possibilty of that occurring. My personal experience backs up this up with my ex who was simply 5 years older than me after HS or my friend (f18) dated/GROOMED by a 40 yr old man who was older than her mom and acted he was 12.... Anyways i was upset about that but that exerpt @ 1:51 got me

[@wisdometernallifethroughveins]

Also i dont have ANY DATA on my beliefs so that's that but also, have you noticed the people that engage in this behavior also do other questionable things? kinda like Seinfeild excusing his white friend for shouting the N-word at black people really goes along well with him dating a 17 yr old

[@EmilyAdams-q1h]

Strong logic. Hey everyone, this critical thinker over here has just discovered the link between men's eons-old preference for younger women and RACISM! Get her an endowed chair in the sociology department at Harvard immediately! Also LOL @ adult women using the word 'grooming' to describe the experiences of other adult women. So cringe and self-infantilizing. You so silly.

[@glupik1234]

​@@wisdometernallifethroughveinswestern christian patriarchy is inherently racist, racism is part of its structure.

[@katiemckenzie4972]

This was a really balanced discussion its nice to see this kind of critique when what performs best online is dogpiling

[@loganhurley5590]

I think the vampiric boyfriend line might specifically be a reference to Sense & Sensibility, the Austen novel where the young silly girl stops pining for a ruinous, handsome man her own age and instead marries an old established veteran.