The Confidence Project: How Girls' Self-Esteem Drops When They Turn 13

Are we failing to raise confident kids?
For the last five years, SHE Media has been developing The Confidence Project. When we first met Bailey, Evan, Gabrielle, Julia, Juno, Jojo, Reed, Sabine, Sadie, Skye, Zaki, and the 14 other kids we interviewed, they were 9 years old. We've followed them for the past five years, and today, they’ve grown into young adults. But how have those five years shaped their confidence levels?
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As seen on Good Morning America: www.goodmornin...
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“YES! I am a feminist,” 9 year old Gabrielle exclaims in 2014. Jojo follows it up with, “I’m the awesomest, I am not BOSSY, but I am the boss.”
“You say I run like a girl, well I run like a girl because I AM AMAZING,” 9 year old Sabine proclaims.
Fast forward to 2019, "I feel less confident than five years ago,” 14-year-old Julia tells SheKnows, “because now there’s a lot more pressure. Like, even what you wear…and academically.”
“Five years ago, I was definitely more confident, because I was so young,” agrees Sabine, who is now 14. “I didn’t care about the way I looked; the way I feel about my body…has definitely gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”
According to 'The Confidence Code for Girls' by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, by age 14, boys’ confidence levels are 27% higher than girls’. And Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls reports that by puberty, 50% of girls feel paralyzed by fear of failure.
Why the downfall in confidence levels during adolescence? Our interviews show a definite trend: The main confidence-crushing culprits are body-shaming and pressure (from peers and parents) to succeed.
“There’s definitely more expectations for me,” says Bailey, comparing her current 14-year-old self to her 10-year-old self. “I feel like if I mess up, I’m disappointing a lot of people.”
“When I was nine,” adds 14-year-old Jojo, “I wasn’t really thinking about what I looked like; I was only really thinking about dancing, or, like, peanut butter, I dunno! And now I focus a lot on what other people think of me and how other people view me instead of how I should be viewing myself.”
The Confidence Code authors Kay and Shipman explain that for most girls/women, that looming 27% confidence gap that appears around puberty never really closes. So what can parents do to help kids combat that confidence loss and #CloseTheGap?
Take the fear out of failure.
It’s actually not only valuable to let your kid fail; it’s crucial to teach them how. According to the Child Mind Institute, kids who believe that failure is unacceptable are less confident and less resilient - and they’re afraid to take risks. Which brings us to…
Encourage them to take risks.
And if they don’t succeed, it’s not the end of the world. “Failing can be reframed as trying, practicing and putting in effort,” Clinical psychologist Dr. Jamie Howard tells SheKnows.
Validate their experiences.
Observe, recognize, and “validate how your child is feeling,” licensed certified clinical social worker Katie Austin tells SheKnows. Whatever you do, even if the topic or concern at hand seems silly to your adult eyes, “don’t dismiss how they are feeling,” Austin urges parents.
Practice positive reinforcements.
Quite a few studies have reported positive outcomes with positive reinforcement (no surprise there); a recent one published in The Journal of Marriage and Family wrote that “maternal warmth” and praise from the mother had a significantly positive impact on children’s social competence - especially when compared to negative reinforcements/punishment, such as spanking.
Encourage volunteering.
It’s remarkable how giving back can change a kid’s perspective for the better. Then there’s the fact that volunteering teaches compassion, empathy, gratitude, and confidence. The warm fuzzies are just a bonus.
Get them involved in sports.
According to the Aspen Institute, active kids can score up to 40% higher on tests and are 15% more likely to go to college. How’s that for a confidence boost?
Cultivate their strengths.
Kids will be more confident and more engaged if they’re focused on things they’re good at - and actually interested in. So if you always dreamed of raising a soccer star but kiddo’s more into science? Take our advice, parents: Back off. Let her do her.
And most importantly: Be there.
“There are some things which the kids will go through alone,” explains 14-year-old Reed. “And the parents’ job there is…they don’t need to understand. They just need to be there and support them.”

[@avawright310]

A poem I wrote- I miss when I was younger Filled with glee I roamed around not caring about a thing I had no guilt, no regrets Just joy no shame I had big dreams I was filled with love The world felt like my fairy tale Now I’m older Without glee I care about every little thing I have millions of regrets Guilt on my shoulder My joy has faded I have shame on my body I may seem happy but I’m not If you look deep down you’ll see I’m depressed Every day I put on a fake smile Sometimes I wonder why am I here What is my purpose I’m just a nobody It take all my strength not to end it all I rather see those pearly gates And HIM on his throne Running freely on those fluffy clouds No sadness No guilt There would be no shame Just love Just joy Just to feel like a little kid again Is what I want

[@hola-its-abby]

Why is there no replies to this and there is not nearly as many likes as there should be

[@patrickrinehart4393]

Impressed with the bravery and openness of the young ladies shown in the video. Incredible! I watched this video because I'm a father of a 12 year old daughter that is having self image challenges. Thank you all for sharing.

[@jwolf1109]

Thank you for doing this project. This is really important to hear.

[@_._faerie_._]

Are you sure it only starts at 13? Have you seen how low my self-esteem is even though I’m not 13 yet?

[@kc1135]

Every ones different. I was the most insecure during 4th grade.

[@grimo3685]

what more should we expect from a profile named Jimin's dumplings

[@samgt9417]

3th grade.

[@avawright310]

It depends on who you are and who you spend your time with like I didn’t really think abt my body in 3rd grade bc I went to this really small private school but then I moved into public school in 4th grade

[@mayon6982]

obviously the person with a bts pfp says this

[@josephrafacz2527]

I have three girls, and my oldest just turned fourteen. I think it’s hard for her to talk to me since her mother and I separated. This gives me a lot of insight that we’ve lost over the years. Thank you.

[@aubreyjames8795]

Don’t be ashamed to talk to her about boys. It’s kind of important at this time.

[@alexgebruers5621]

Social media is the biggest problem, when there were no phones etc, kids weren't so insecure

[@josephrafacz2527]

Uh, sorry. I have to disagree. I’m 36, I grew up in a small town, it was the early nineties. Bullying was really big, we used to rally together when we knew fights were going to happen. I was bullied, and I fought a lot. I was also a nerd, which meant I cared about school. Girls ignored me, but because of the opposite reason. Girls actually had more self esteem back then, because this was before these weird body types, but it was a detriment to boys because we would fight over girls attention, and they would ignore us. It was better then when girls could just kinda laughter at boys. But this entire production seems like all these young people are fabricating this. Or where coerced, after their younger years. They really seemed coached.

[@josephrafacz2527]

I hope this is real.

[@Headstrong11242]

ALEX THATS TRUE. BUT........ INSECURITY AND CONFIDENCE ARE TWO SOMETIMES COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS

[@matthiasv6608]

social media is definitely not a good influence on young boys and girls. but we all went through our puberty and it sucked and most of us came out alive. I think it actually is the first crisis in everyone's life. it really shocked me that there are so many websites regarding this problem!

[@dakotakinz]

Maybe y’all should think before calling me Megamind.

[@lemonsweet.1722]

Dakota Kinz what?

[@kamomolefe584]

Do not worry about what other people say you perfect just the way your eyebrows are

[@kamomolefe584]

Dakota Kinz don't worry about what other people say you are perfect the way your eyebrows are

[@avawright310]

I think it starts 10-12 these days

[@yourgirlannelise6604]

It dose. And maybe even younger.

[@aliceloureiro8146]

It can start as early as 5 or 6

[@YuhhPiper]

I got bullied cause my eye brows and in real life then on tik tok then kinda on youtube so now i dont show my face

[@luluxx4221]

catgirlbatgirl09 I don’t understand what u said it doesn’t really make sense.

[@YuhhPiper]

DaPUGSTER Xx I don’t show my face on camera cause I would get bullied from it my eye brows are different so I get bullied.

[@dakotakinz]

Sameee

[@YuhhPiper]

Dakota Kinz how? How do you get bullied tell your story

[@dakotakinz]

R0BL0X dm me on TikTok @itsabbeyclaire I’ll tell you the whole story

[@carlosinchile]

Accountability lesson is missing. Taking responsibility for your great & poor decisions would be nice to see in today’s youth. Social media is only to be used sparingly & responsibly.

[@snowhero9]

Appears like a good project, this video is my first experience. For our situation though it was not as helpful as I hoped. Our 12 year old daughter choose wrestling at age 4. All these years she has been filled with the element of fire. This year (not due to loss of interest or effort) she has completely flipped to being filled with water. She cries before the match even starts. When i ask her to take a break from wrestling she gets angry that i would even dare. My daughter does not have social media. I am searching for info on how to deal with confidence loss/stress management from what i perceive as hormone changes.

[@girlempowermentinc.4490]

Amazing video! I will be sharing on our website

[@taehyungoppa7208]

Wow This deserve so much more views

[@Headstrong11242]

EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT BUT I CAN SPEAK FOR ME AS A TEENAGE GIRL AND MOST OF THE TIME I WAS SECURE BUT HAD TERRIBLE CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS. CONFIDENCE DOESNT CARE IF YOU MAY SOMEWHAT LOOK GOOD OR NOT. I WAS SAD MOST OF THE TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I DIDNT GET THE SUPPORT FROM MY GROUP OF GIRLS THAT I HUNG OUT WITH. I STARTED DIETING AT 12. I ALWAYS HAVE EATING ISSUES. I DONT HAVE ANOREXIA PER SE BUT I DO THINK I LOOK BAD PHYSICALLY. MY BODY WAS ALWAYS MUSCULAR AND I TOOK THAT TO MEAN I WAS FAT. NO ATTENTION FROM GIRLSBUT.........THE BOYS DIDNT SEEM TO MIND MY BODY.

[@maristelaazzeazze3709]

Como eu consigo o texto dessa reportagem?

[@davidregi7571]

Self esteem can be improved by watching this video: Angel vs witch skull

[@jayzuniga362]

Awesome project!

[@chitownjoker7248]

I support girl ladies and women and everyone else

[@CB-fq2ye]

God bless you!!!

[@addi6456]

It starts 10-12

[@fuzzydark1395]

1:19 wait that actually was a girl? I really am wondering

[@jackskelton6501]

Imagine being a feminist when ur 12 xD

[@gliz2y]

At my school being called a feminist is an insult, and then the girl that was being called feminist as an insult would be like "Oh no, I'm not, don't call me that. I'm not a feminist, mate". Like it shocked me, though most of my friends don't even know what girl pride and feminism is, and we are in Highschool in a Western country.

[@camsterscool]

I fucking don’t really care about my appearance maybe cause I have very tough skin and have survived the old cod days of black ops 1&2 and modern warfare 1,2,&3,world at war,halo 2&3,etc

[@thatgirlzayzay]

Love it

[@atomicworm7138]

4:05 good for her

[@prodjotavaulted]

they all like this cuz they parents aint latino trustt im the most confident boy in the world. cuz of my latina ma

[@prodjotavaulted]

girls should just get a xbox or pc and play minecraft

[@CommanderBruh]

Yes

[@y220.8]

Ofc! Why not? Girls deserve much more.

[@zantonoblivion]

no

[@welfaiewfb8802]

wtf

[@the_platform]

Are you worried that Social Media will soon destroy the entire world? The more you look around the more we all see happening. Maybe, just maybe the world might be saved by Tik Tok Teddy and other young people like him. We can only pray and hope. God Speed, little doodles: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e3yUmqylrdKSh5o