The Cruelty of Fatherhood

OUT (manga) has some good reflections on this sort of thing, but I'm half hoping a train or some 45 will make this a moot point.

[@Skimmerlit]

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[@LPSKITTYCAT_]

i cant believe you still upload im so glad i was just watching one of your videos from 7 years ago and damn dude i hope your doing alright if you ever need a person to talk 2 im here

[@Kotalee123]

Hard watch, that’s why I am here.

[@toneious5172]

I dont know how to react to this bc I am a male who is gentle by default I dont hav a dad at all--I was primarily raised by two women

[@Skimmerlit]

Patrice O’Neal grew up without a father, and he’s a saint. Plus, not all fathers teach much or well. How old are you? What lessons have you needed teach yourself?

[@toneious5172]

​@@Skimmerlit I'm a 21-year-old INTP. I'm not able to answer this question concisely in a YT comment. There are too many variables that I would need to account for to articulate the gravity of what it means to lack a masculine presence that you implicitly have to acknowledge as a developing person. Sure, there were adult males in my life that I "looked up to," but I never took them as seriously because I didn't understand the value of the things they would try to explain to me. I always heard men speak through the filter of, "yea, but why?" In some ways, I am grateful for this because it has allowed to me to develop into a person with near-zero toxic masculine flavors to my behavior. I specifically use the term "behavior" here on purpose because of the influence Western society has on my thought processes. Because of this lacking of a respected masculine figure in my life, nobody has been able to teach me how to navigate the toxic influences associated with that end of the pendulum. All of my stereotypical male urges have been subjected to my Ni critic from birth, exclusively. Even though I have that going for me, it isn't a sufficient means to combat the hedonism of the Si child that routinely causes me to self-sabotage. Combine this with an early dependence on anti-depressants, attempting to mature has been challenging, to say the least. I don't know anything about Patrice O'Neal other than some of the lines that stook out to me on his Wiki, but the first thing I noticed was that he died at 41 because of a lifestyle-related illness. I can't help but think this has everything to do with an absence of a father figure to teach him the slippery slope that is Western consumption. Right now, I see myself going down a similar path: become admirable for your positivity and genuineness as a male in a world that lacks these things, and then die young because nobody taught you how to navigate the gluttony you have grown prone to due to a lack of direction. I don't want to be a saint if it means I die young and as a result of something as trivial as overconsumption. Of course, this is likely a gross oversimplification of O'Neal's circumstances, but this does illustrate my point. I lack direction and I don't think that is something I will ever be able to give myself. I can't attract the people I'm attracted to because I have no idea how to allow myself to display masculine traits. I know it's become cliche to label one's self as a "walking contradiction," but that is what I am right now. I keep looking for direction in therapy, where I'm validated. I keep looking for direction from the women in my life, where I'm told I'm doing great, or "the best I can." I look for direction from a few of my male friends, who admire me for the very things I need to change about myself to better myself. I look for direction inward, where my insecurities lie and I realize there is nothing other than an urge to people-please and pleasure myself. Simply put, I'm weak. That's the lesson I've taught myself.