The Doormat

What is a doormat in the narcissistic dynamic?
Read more at narcsite.com

[@joycer6867]

I used to be a doormat in both my friendships and relationships. People used me for money and stuff. I was always so generous and forgiving. I recently realised this and I dumped my crappy friends and boyfriend. I may be more lonely for the time being but I have never felt better. Those who are watching this and feel like "victims" for being a doormat. please, take fucking control of your life and stop adopting the victim mentality.

[@joycer6867]

***** I am glad to hear you ended those friendships. You deserve better friends. Personally, i was so scared of being alone but Id rather be alone and keep my dignity than be a doormat.

[@joycer6867]

***** the lack of friends should not be something you're ashamed of. Friends come and go and I am sure everyone feels lonely from time to time. I am sure you will meet genuine people and form healthy friendships. :)

[@notmycircusnotmymonkeysetc9120]

Joyce R u didn't see her saying she felt ashamed

[@jeanneeber]

You go girl. I'm right there doing the same thing.

[@jeanneeber]

Me either!

[@romanastrasheim4895]

I definitely was a doormat to my parents .. 😢I love them. But I am setting boundaries now. I am 59. Just found out about personality disorders .. I do not feel a victim but now victorious, I am protecting myself. Empowering myself with information. Loving mysekf. Respecting myself for who I am. Making the best of myself!

[@falsehoodbasher7240]

"Loving mysekf" sure. Go victory

[@mikeg7925]

This response is interesting. Hopefully you are still thriving Romana! Even after celebrating your growth and admitting it to the world, someone comes up behind you and points out a flaw. The more I learn about emotional abuse and boundary breaking, the more I see it in the world. Fascinating

[@damien706]

I said time and time again “ I will not be your doormat” he would turn it into my problem I felt that way.. but I refused to become completely down trodden and I left. He will never admit that he desires a doormat.

[@Robin7-26]

I do some of those things. This story makes me very sad. My father was a sociopath as is my older brother. I was always trying to please everyone. I feel sorry for your sister, Rachel.

[@bobbiekenny8284]

Thank you for this information, for years upon years I kept thinking all I am is his EMOTIONAL BABYSITER!!

[@cindiadams8158]

Ugh. That’s exactly what I have been. To ALL the Narcs in my life... funny, I felt like a doormat, but I just couldn’t believe it was true. You are the only person who puts the validation out here. Thank you.

[@sweetrgreetr4099]

THEY ALWAYS REALIZE THEY FUCED UP WHEN IT'S TOO DAMN LATE talking bout sorry sorry I'll change, what? yo source? yo attitude? cuz u sure can't change yo messed up ways & I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND even though I kinda felt bad when I saw a tear BUT YOU DIDN'T FEEL BAD ABOUT NOTHING YOU DID TO ME HE. JUST MADE SOME ONE ELSE A HAPPY MAN & ME 2

[@retailsavvyplus]

As he was describing his sister called Rachel (my name) it sent chills down my spine, as he was quite literally describing me and my codependency right down to the T. Because of these videos I have left my ex-narc of 6 years and it has taken every second of these 180 days to fully accept that my insecure attachment style was the nitrous oxide for his covert narcissism. And while I don’t take it personally, I now know how to have grace and compassion for his limitations and deeply rooted trauma while asserting healthy boundaries to prevent him from re-enacting and projecting his father’s narcissism towards him, onto me. Because he was was once the victim of a narcissist, he will never see himself as one, nor recognize the very patterns of behavior towards me that he resented his father doing to him. After years of attacks towards me when asserting healthy boundaries, I finally rejected one of his Hoover’s and he literally wished me to go to hell (as in wished I would disappear from the planet). Crazy part is that I’m a GREAT tenant in his father’s property. The father could have asked or forced me to move, but never did. When narc no longer control you, they go crazy. The final discard was mutual, which made him hate me even more. Which is sad, I can’t imagine putting this much energy into hatred and seeking to punish others just to preserve your false self. I have nothing but compassion for a mind that can’t choose love over fear, as much as they need love to make them feel needed and valued, they can’t handle it. Narcs are their own worst enemies.

[@marylee7683]

Where do you find all those fun pictures for your videos?

[@dabruddasistahkode5975]

truth... sad truth..

[@troytroy4191]

Very well said.

[@clarastein1515]

Pff...it makes me laugh so much the way you represent the narc...and makes me see and feel the experience that I had with one...much easier to cope in real life...just so funny the tone of your voice...as well the informations given in the video...AWSOME work you do...thanks!

[@Yosamedy]

Im learning all these new labels of myself...def a 30 year doormat relationship!!:0(

[@-anaamna5616]

Samina Asif hello n welcome ... to come late is better than never coming :)

[@Yosamedy]

Amna Im so shattered emotionally I can see I am by nature a super empath and have suffered emotional psychological and physical abuse for 30 years of my marriage which I am calling a day. These videos have really opened the closet I kept shut for the long time.

[@brendajeeves1736]

My on going question is this.... I have over a few years had many conversations with my husband’s 2 adult sons, and although I have not asked any personal questions to the sons they have on several occasions talked to me about how they feel their father has damaged them. They have abandonment issues, relationship commitment issues, and so on. Now that my husband has disguarded me 4 months ago and has moved in with his new supply I have heard very little in fact almost nothing from the sons. I realize that they more than likely do not want to get involved possibly, but the question I ask myself over and over again is “ Do they know what their father is?”(meaning a narcissist-sociopath) and why have they not connected with me. I lost my father 3 months after I was disguarded and that was the only time the sons connected with me. I suppose I am feeling that they are believing their fathers lies and smearing of me. But one would think, why is it so easy for their father to move in with someone so quickly. I might add that their father abandoned them at the young age of 5 & 7 for another woman and adopted her children, he then left her for another woman with 4 kids... the list goes on...

[@neveragain1325]

Now that I am being honest, I wonder if it is possible that just like HG I have honed my "door mat" skills over time into an art form of sorts...that my part in this sick game is that every time he "up-ed" his crazy....I would "up" my response (more understanding, more love) all the while thinking I might win...and all the hard work and time I had invested would be justified (magical thinking at its best). I had best get off this site and resume my hunt for the unicorn again :)

[@KCGray-ls1yw]

Not that I know you, but there is a certain amount of logic in what you're saying. I've been through this phase, thinking that everyone was the same, and since I didn't want to be "mean" or "hateful" like everyone else, my defense of self was to over-compensate with kindness and love. My suggestion is to not take it as a personal sign of failure, but a human response. It's ingrained in flight or fight, so, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with you. There's been something wrong with your environment that made this response necessary for both your sanity and your safety.

[@notmycircusnotmymonkeysetc9120]

Never Again yes sounds about right. it's due to misunderstanding and not realising that we aren't actually living on the same planet. we have different gore beliefs snd values than narc's cos we have rmpathy. they say jump and we ask if we have jumped high enough. no more jumping for me lol

[@neveragain1325]

Thank you for your kind response....I have found myself saying that I don't want to be like him...and if I am able to walk away with the capacity to love again....I guess "I win".

[@neveragain1325]

I know I can jump higher if you need me to...really....I don't mind at all :)

[@notmycircusnotmymonkeysetc9120]

Never Again there's no winning. there's integrity and there's creepiness. And we get to choose who we want to be and who we want to bring into our lives: a creepy little exploding doormat victim with borderline NPDs, or integrity honesty and freedom to be perfectly imperfect human beings.

[@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762]

narc's don't urn people into doormats it only happens if they had doormat characteristics in the first place

[@stephaniebuker1812]

Your needs are my crack.

[@kelenl5033]

I know how much I have been doing for my narcissist and all who know me. To be an ambassador of kindness and to help others who may need a helping hand. I became sad and confused with harsh treatments from my spouse when I know I gave him all that I have and forever forgiving him. Now I awake and it was not about who I am or what I do. It was him the fraud that I married. I will leave him in God's hand.

[@jeanneeber]

All those qualities you mentioned are instilled in the scapegoat of a narcissistic family. Unless you get out if the family-you'll be in that role forever!if you have a large family-that's a ton of abuse-and they ALL join in on the "fun" of their utter cruelty. It's funny how all your references of how your sister was abused as the doormat-are referencing your mother. Your description of her is YOUR description-a narcissists description. Almost sounds like your describing a tasty meal for the " N" to devour. How did you resist not joining in? Surely you yourself must have reveled in these "tasty" qualities placed right under your narcissistic nose-(no insult intended) and joined in to do your own abuse-or as a flying monkey perhaps, although I've noticed the lower levels perform flying monkey roles but are even more nasty-hiding themselves behind a stronger predator. Did you abuse your sister as well? Anyone victimized by and "schooled" in narcissism knows that another #1 trait of N's and BPD's is blaming others for what they themselves do to abuse another-and then speak of how terrible those others are for doing exactly the same thing. They always have a reason why the victim was deserving.

[@luv2dancesalsa]

perhaps off topic but I am curious about what your family dynamic was regarding distraction... what did you turn to for salve (comic books, torturing animals, fighting) and what did you sister do? parents... did they escape somehow BESIDES abusing you?

[@KnowingtheNarcissist]

Many answers to those questions and they appear in my books and forthcoming works as there is much more detail there than can be conveyed here.

[@YesGodWellness]

HG, did you use your sisters experiences to learn and master your narc skills? The narc I used to date would sit on the phone listening to his scapegoat/doormat sister go on and on about how she was being mistreated and abused. Did he also gain supply from her as well?

[@secureconnection5245]

Simply Megan, I wouldn't doubt a narc would use this kind of info to utilize in and sharpen their 'game'.

[@PaperMario64]

Simply Megan sounds like it

[@KnowingtheNarcissist]

Yes I did. I always learn from my victims. Yes he will have gained fuel from her as well.

[@pjeanettejones-navarro667]

A doormat in front ofa crackhouse. By the time they've robbed a IPS of all their valuables. Their house suddenly has decorations. The doormat probably is the dirty secret. While the real IPS becomes the doormat. It all suits the Narc in all their supply driven egos. Yeah! I bet we both be lawn furniture before they get the best of moi.

[@lynnegillham4950]

No doormat to a narrasiic bullying

[@aruvielevenstar3944]

I am the codependent of my family.

[@urszulakucia8087]

Why you are doing that ? It is sens of your life?