The Game That Defined Me

[@nuodso]

It is really incredible. As a Finnish person it was the most hilarious thing when Cunoesse called me a "fuckhead" in my own language.

[@DarrenSmith-j8m]

i thougth she was saying a more visceral word.

[@dontmindme2044]

Kusipää vai vittupää?

[@nuodso]

@@dontmindme2044 Pelaa ja ota selvää

[@vulfura]

Wait Finnish is a real language

[@swobesswobes681]

@@vulfura no

[@kaptenteo]

This game is incredible. It's difficult to put in words just how well written it is; the mixture between comedy, existentialism, spirituality, and crippling depression somehow meshes perfectly together.

[@canonicallytrans]

Damn girl why'd You have to call me out first thing in the video

[@gero3015]

Psychoanalysis is also a heavy theme In my opinion, the beginning really draws on Lacan's concept of the mirror stage

[@kayla8402]

There's a lovely Medium article by someone who realized he's trans, through this game, about the need to explore his own inland empire. I've known a fair few people to get blindsided by The Expression scene right at the start. It applies to people in all kinds of circumstances, but damn if there isn't a very trans reading that fits right in. Anyone who hits a "life worked until it really didn't" hard breaking point. The folks I know with DID/who are systems have a hell of a time with this game too, as representation. And those with autism. It's wild how much it manages to touch on, and do rather well. When it all falls apart, and you get through the long breakdown, how do you rebuild a self and a life? And how do you avoid backsliding into the old, toxic self that could no longer function? I saw it noted once how the drugs in game have no drawback. Sure they do. They'll kick in later, and you'll just die or suffer sooner. Oh, a mechanical drawback? Nope, not in the short term. There is NOTHING in the short term to keep Harry from falling back and THAT is incredibly true to life, be it drugs or a non-functional self. My mid 30s were my downward slide, until being 37 in 2020 hit just the right thing and OH NO A CASE OF THE GENDERS. Still isolated. Still stagnant despite what I've done so far, just more stable. Better than I'd been those middle few years but less functional in many ways than prior... but with self knowledge and... not too much else. It's a lot to have to build on, at an age where it's too easy to feel like my life is already DONE.

[@mattsqwrl]

37 isn't yet half way for the average life, and even if there weren't so many years left, it's still worth doing what you want to do, and becoming the person you want to be. Good luck.

[@scoob6505]

"You are alive and living now. Now is the envy of all the dead." There is time.

[@BlueBeetle1939]

Almost 400 hours in the game and i would drop everything to start a new run right this second. I laughed i cried i mourned a gaudy necktie. What a masterpiece

[@goon-705]

After I finished playing Disco Elysium for the first time I honestly just sort of destroyed me mentally, particularly with that one dream sequence that had some strikingly similar parallels to a breakup I had a couple years back. Any who, a couple months went by and by some fucking miracle I ran into a friend of mine that sort of got caught up in the cross fire of the aforementioned breakup, and on a tf2 server no less. After talking for a while and doing some catchup, explaining how I'm an alcoholic and how Harry is *literally* me; we, well mostly my friend, eventually came to the conclusion that I need to wake the fuck up and move on. So I sort of reluctantly ended up doing just that (I've been alcohol free for almost three months now if you care), I ended up meeting a guy, had a relationship with him for a while, it didn't last but I was fun while it did. Anyway, the point of all this is that Harry actually *is* literally me, we are like the same person, we occupy the same metaphysical space, and so on.

[@liamwherry]

I’m really proud of you for being alcohol free for 3 months, I hope it’s been 9 now!

[@goon-705]

@@liamwherry You bet, it's been hard but I'm still sober, despite it all.

[@containsnosmashmouth1849]

on all levels except physical, i am harry dubois

[@HeretekNC]

Yeah, but Mr. Evart is helping me find my gun.

[@ethantaylor9613]

I never made the connection between the phasmid having a disco lifestyle and Harry. That’s an extremely good insight.

[@thejulo5623]

This was almost uncomfortably relatable, great work

[@jessepetal1029]

these are not intrusive thoughts, these are impulsive thoughts. i know the term intrusive thoughts has been watered down by misuse but intrusive thoughts are never who you are nor things you want. intrusive thoughts are your worst fear of what you could do realized

[@GardenOnVenus]

"Fuck the old party, start a new party" is a way to summarize a lot of harships in life, and I'm actually really glad to hear it said that way. Living on an island is tough, and I hope you have the chance to make your own Insulindian Miracle, just like I'm trying to find mine 💜

[@FlaminFaux]

Y’know, it’s real interesting the sheer range of videos I’ve seen talking about this game. From inquiries into the existential existence that we will almost certainly never be *truly* known and understood (this video of course), to genuine discussion on political and moral philosophy, to discussions on what even is reality and perception, to musical and writing analysis, this game has hit people hard. I’ve never finished the game, I typically tap out around rather early into it, but watching videos like this makes me want to interact with the game more and more. It’s kind of… Heartwarming to see such interaction and discussion around something like this. It feels like a genuine work of art that leads people to make even more art, which leads to more discussion and so on and so forth. Thank you for the video. It was lovely.

[@novohispana]

Another masterpiece of a video essay, as this channel is wont to do. The game also deeply, deeply spoke to me; from the æsthetic of a fatigued world dragged to the cynicism. Besieged by enthropy itself, although within the gates matters are graver still: "The first death is in the heart". Having gone through my first hard break-up playing through the game for the first time, whilst thrilled to be comrade-detective Raphaël and restore the dreams of Revachol's restless, the nightmare of Dolores Dei genuinely haunts me. I'd just become a grown man, I hadn't cried in years, but parting with your former lover, the object of your world's desire, whilst being entirely helpless. Begging for the scrapes of happiness they've left your heart incapable of feeling. I broke down in tears at the apocalyptic sensation of it all, her name came to my lips like the opening of an old scar, the ludicrous deification of this other person disrobed just how vulnerable our small souls are. Yet the glimmer of hope, as the video so well states, is, must be enough. The parting conversation was, although intolerably bad, cathartic in a way only tragedy can be. And once the nightmare was over waking life resumed, despite the threat of the nightmare's return, waking life will also follow. A genuinely life-affirming piece of art, and a perfect expression of the medium as such. I mean it both for the video and the game.

[@elaishane8886]

What an amazing video, really enjoyed it. Disco elysium means a lot to me too. I think what you said about the deserter being clinged to the past is very true. Also, minor detail, but i find amazing the stereo sound you put in the background to simulate pale interferences (or at least that is my interpretation) i think its very cool!

[@ftwkh85]

That opening monologue..... was not in a good headspace to hear that since i happened to just have calm down from a breakdown tied to that kind of loneliness moments before starting the video....... At least in someway its nice to know im not alone in having to deal with that kind of loneliness....

[@alguienanormal3040]

I love the fact you chose to speak about this game, real nice!

[@mirfalltnixein.1]

Damn girl you are making these faster than I can watch them lately lol

[@cancername]

this,

[@andronicus1788]

Not a girl

[@mirfalltnixein.1]

@@andronicus1788Wrong and cringe.

[@andronicus1788]

@@mirfalltnixein.1 literally factually not a female human

[@noctuabird]

@@andronicus1788factually you have never had a critical thought

[@sixthdragoness]

Thank you for this video, had some hard times with my social life and this kinda helped me put things in perspective a little, love your vidoes

[@The_Rat_Bridget_Fan]

God that intro felt so much like my own thoughts

[@SpoopySquid]

For real though. I don't think I've had my thoughts expressed by someone else so perfectly

[@Siyth]

Your takes and readings of this game are very insightful, not often I read or hear something new about this game, after all the content i’ve consumed about it

[@A_Black_hoodie]

Glad to see a new video so quick

[@anitaremenarova6662]

Holy shit, that opening monologue spoke to my soul like nothing ever has. Disco Elysium may not be as addictive or fun as other games I tend to play but there hasn't been anything nearly as impactful and relatable as this game and Harrier du Bois.

[@S_P_A_C_E_DD]

I took 60 hours on my first DE playthrough. Great game!

[@osakanone]

Your output schedule is nuts right now. Please be careful: I don't want you to burn out. Watching the video now.

[@DillanV]

This video was incredibly well written start to finish

[@casparschmidt865]

I've watched this video multiple times since it came out. This and the older video about DE are the definition of comfort for me lol. Ty leadhead

[@gwfhegel5045]

This channel is a priceless gem… just… wow

[@Mamimigaming]

dr fauci give us vaccines help all the people who have been quarantined we will wear our masks and we will have to stay distant we'll wash our hands and we will be more resistant FAUCI!

[@arnelehrke1994]

Wow, this was really profound and made my cry but I want to thank you for that. This game also means a lot to me and I really liked your approach after watching videos about it for years now. Just know - but I think you know already - that you´re not alone. And this message in a bottle is one of pure respect and admiration. All the best to you!

[@Larch3]

This video very well may trigger a train of thought that turns into an existential crisis, bravo, this is fuckin great.

[@mmmben]

I've gone back to family to avoid temporary homelessness, no shame in it.

[@jusonali]

the video has been in my tabs since release, but i decided to watch it today, after i cried 3 times and screamed, of the pain of feeling utterly alone, because no one around you GETS YOU or your thoughts. but thats just how it feels sometimes. thanks for coming at the right time. i might replay disco when i have the time. ive been feeling lost, like harry, hope i can find something.the first disco elysium video of yours also helped me see that i had to go outside touch grass and talk to people, bc i played disco and half life during school break, utterly alone, miserable and depressed, and didnt know why anyways this is silly but thanks, u get it.

[@cosmicpanda7043]

Just commenting for engagement cuz, despite having gotten somewhat popular over the years, this game deserves as much love and attention as possible. One of my all-time favorites

[@MeLlamoFick]

"Stuck inside of a lead sphere" wow is that what Leadhead means?

[@MeLlamoFick]

Nevermind

[@ProjectEkerTest33]

I know it's a bit late but as someone (like many of us here I'm sure) who also goes through depressive periods I hope you'll come out of it soon and back into a happier time of life

[@Demonat865]

you did anincredible job with the editing and visual effects. youre doing so good

[@spectacularlysentimental]

Your writing and analysis was genuinely beautiful in this one. Thanks for another extremely personal banger, Leadhead.

[@xReadyPunch]

Thank you so much for this video! After blocking myself from seeing/posting comments on KZbin with a browser extension for a long time, I decided to comment whatever I had on my mind.

[@Samuel-yf6pl]

Hell yes. Haven't started watching this video yet but I'm certain it'll be stellar. Always hoped you'd do a video on DE, which I consider to be one of the finest works of art available. The Pyramids. The Mona Lisa. Hamlet. The Declaration of Independence. Disco Elysium.

[@mothelysium]

I mean the writers did literally thank Marx & Engels at the game awards

[@lilyrivers3064]

These videos are fantastic, easily my fav channel now

[@Teethmafia]

Unconscious with a cigarette in hand is a different kind of oblivion

[@Ranatosk]

From what I’ve gathered the Aesop is essentially Bill and Ted’s classic saying: “The best time to be is now, the best place to be is here, so be excellent to each other and party on dudes!”

[@atomicpunch1990]

The saddest part about this video is that it had to end (also pleaaaaaase do a video on Thief 2. That would be phenomenal)

[@River_Da_Bunny]

"F*CK THE OLD PARTY, START A NEW PARTY" good quote Penelope. i hope the move goes well for you

[@elliottebeauchene2284]

"the kind of drinking you do to die..." Jesus...

[@DillanV]

Just read the title and can relate now I will watch

[@burgulize]

I've started to play D\E a few weeks back, and I'm somewhat in the middle of the story.. Last week got drunk at a friends party - and my inner monologue started to roll dice in my head and rationalize life decisions.. So, yeah - this game defines people, for sure.

[@TheLegendaryTashy]

I recently discovered your channel and it's fast become one of my absolute favourites

[@Truly12p]

I still have to finish the little masterpiece, I'll have to come back and watch this once I'm done with it... Nonetheless, that is a wonderful intro.

[@SrgAfro]

yay ^.^ thank you for another vid

[@sheepketchup9059]

The intro and the outtro are The Egomaniac's Laments.

[@alicewonder259]

This was beautiful, thank you 💖 Thank you for continuing to put yourself out here, expressing yourself. Your readings are incredible, your delivery is imaginative. You gave me support, your field guide a month after I came out myself as a trans woman. I was thankful for the clear answers and advice, things i wasn't getting from anyway. I wrote it off as something wonderful this thoughtful person had shared, and assumed you wouldn't touch my life again. But you keep dropping emotional carepackages onto my island. I'm in a new place, with new people, with a new body. I feel very alone sometimes, i think thay it's most alone I've felt at times. But each time, at first with that initial metal gear solid video, each subsequent one, and now this... thank you. You give us such a deep perceptive into yourself, a MTV crib tour of your feelings and responses to art. To these games. You feel so deep, and share so well how these pieces touch you. And through that, you touch something in me too. Your videos truely make my life richer, I find myself pressed to come up with any other on this platform, or other modern artist that evole such rich feelings. Give me a reminder of the rich depth and beautiful of life, even when i struggle to see it. And life it so far beyond possible when i can. Thank you Penelope, best of luck with the move!

[@KirbyFanDude]

I recommend viewing this on a bigger screen than a phone. My old man eyes had to squint to read the tiny text on the side.

[@Jeffinitely_Maybe]

This video was incredible, thank you for making it.

[@silentsibs]

Thanks, I needed this video

[@M4ruta]

_Disco Elysium_ is an absolutely amazing experience, one of the things to mentions when anyone questions whether or not games can be art. The only negative thing about this game is that I only realized after I played it that the name Measurehead is a reference to phrenology. Otherwise, a perfect game, 10/10.

[@spiffyamoeba6395]

Ive been waiting for this one!

[@flamingogas]

16:52 That fan in the background is immaculate sound design right there

[@threalharrydubois]

Good im not the only one that keeps thinking about this game.

[@diamond_tango]

Holy shit, harry dubois

[@myflatlineconstruct]

19:35 That is who we truly are. A culmination of the voices, not the cherry picked we would prefer , or voice to others ( even if possible it would take far too long). Disco slows this down and brings some of the smaller voices to the forefront.

[@nathan_amato]

Sound design on this vid is 100% underrated, really good stuff

[@cheerijessie]

Dang that opening sounds scarily like my brain when I'm up in my own head a lot

[@bonelesschocolate4288]

i recently found out about Disco Elysium through an edit of the "miraculous shot" of Lt. Kim and i've been pondering for the past few days where and if i should look into this game more. well, looks like i found the right person and place to get started

[@MeLlamoFick]

Oooo can I see the edit?

[@bonelesschocolate4288]

@@MeLlamoFick it's called "Detective. Arriving. On the scene." by Oblivionblade

[@AvianSavara]

Atoms don't touch, they only ever move around each other. We humans are far more complex, of course, but in much the same way, we "touch" (not factually, but at least statistically because it's a "good enough" way to express it) at the edges of ourselves. Part of growing up is to become acquainted with that reckoning : we're already adrift. To chose to relate to others - despite this knowledge - in all the ways we can is far more noble than shutting everone else out. And though no one else might ever mirror exactly our thoughts, emotions, experiences, we still populate an OCEAN of meaning, one that is in constant motion. All that is left is to navigate it. Sometimes alone. Sometimes together. To showcase one's own growth or to witness someone else's growth is an act of living poetry. Of course, no party is eternal, but thanks for hosting us. :)

[@АннаБайтерякова-ч2ц]

It so beautiful. It chilling... and strangly relaxing. Thank you.

[@overlordofthepies]

I feel I should have a more thoughtful comment but just had to say the editing and sound work for this video were really good - way to go above and beyond!

[@iceglbe2882]

god the cinematography in your videos are getting better and better. i feel like im watching a premium production here

[@thelegendofner0]

How much do you want to overthink existence? Leadhead: yes

[@makhfi3490]

LOVED THIS VIDEO. AMAZING!!!

[@ohlookameme9917]

Feeling very called out by the start of this video

[@LittleLion93]

You are on fire lately!

[@Pati___i]

I don't usually comment on videos, but my intrusive thoughts told me to write that you are the coolest person ever

[@Ma3day]

i only just watched the intro but this is the best video ever made ty

[@liljepolak8565]

I am not done with this game yet, but I already have two videoes by my favorite KZbinrs on my "watch later" Playlist This will be the third!❤

[@FrankinKal96]

I've been on an island for far too long. It's time to come ashore, even if I have to build that boat myself.

[@cantonnierbethcepourlavhy6343]

This game was my largest "oh so everyone praising it like the messiah, it can't be that good... *Oh*. "

[@ChopstickSpice]

Loved this game, glad you did a review on this game

[@lettumaino]

She literally already did, over two years ago..

[@nnoflying]

first minute and im already crying,,, omg,,, 🙏💜

[@pheeberzpheeborz4012]

Leadhead uploaded on my birthday :3

[@maximum4234]

ok peak alert?????

[@wardedthorn6523]

The themes you describe in this-the pain and struggle of seeking to be known and understood will always hurt, but if you never had to try to be understood, then your self, your ego, would simply dissolve into everyone else That's what Evangelion is about, psrticularly the end

[@mushovers3006]

I bought disco Elysium recently but I've only put a few hours into it. I love the noir asthetic! And your pup collar

[@Novastuffnow]

This is the best thing you've produced

[@esr1412]

Given I couldn't finish my first run when I changed computers and now the new one show a part of the UI and then push black with sound effects, I'll have to wait for a while until I can get a working GPU to finish Disco Elysium and leave my thoughts on it. So far (day 4, I think?) it's been an amazing journey and possibly one of the best video games I ever played, which makes the whole thing of not being able to run it now a lot more frustrating. _I WAS SO CLOSE, LEADHEAD! I WAS SO CLOSE!_ See you back here in, I dunno, 12 months?

[@Ghostie.]

damn lead, you hitting us with that 'heavy' today.

[@descieuxx]

You would never give your most fanatical all to preserve the honour and virtue of the revolution.

[@donatodiniccolodibettobardi842]

That game. That god-damned game... The thing is, I keep recommending and praising this game to other people, but I can't finish it myself. I live everything about. Visual, artstyle, music, audio design, game play, acting, writing, worldbuilding, how cheeky it is. The freedom and breadth ogconsequences causes me a lot of anxiety and the very real main character's fuck-upness is too bloody raw. The humour is _hysterical._ People keep telling me I am strong, beautiful, brilliant, brave and kind. And I can agree with the latter, I can be inconsiderate, but I try to be the ray of hope I can't be to myself. The rest? I feel like the one, who wakes up in a dingy hotel room, waking up, horrified at the absolute scale of the wasted life. I feel like one he sees in his dreams on a tree. I feel small, scared, helpless and utterly pointless. I am afraid of making the simplest decisions and exhausted from failing utterly whilr doing routine tasks... I already heard a bunch of spoilers, while perusing game's Reddit and avoid all reviews of this game, because I hope not catching any more spoilers. Not sure if this video will break the mold.

[@alexanderchippel]

"The Game That Defined Me." Yeah I figure Disco Elysium was involved when I saw the transition announcement a year ago.

[@Ooffoop]

We might not be the same island but *damn* I think we’re at least in swimming distance…

[@EvaTheEpic]

Great video, thank you

[@cancername]

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS! WOOOO!

[@pennyception]

POV youre a camera

[@jacobwas809]

Will return once I finish the game (or die in it). Comment for engagement

[@mycupoftea583]

Ohhhh i wanna watch this sooo bad but dont wanna be spoiled as i only just started aaaaa

[@vicenteisaaclopezvaldez2450]

Our identities aren't a set of building blocks, not a clump of cells, our identities are akin to a web, each string a factor, shaping the other factors by connecting to them, these connections are that which we understand as "parts" of ourselves, the parts of ourselves don't exist alone, they didn't create themselves, and when they're destroyed, changed, it's not their individual doing, we seek connection, as it's that very connection which feeds us, we are that change, by observing the process through which we shift we stop it, there under that obedience to scrutiny we cease to be, and one might be tempted to believe this means this process never happened, that this refusal to be observed means it didn't happen, and throw aside the observed impact of this change on the world around it, attribute it to something else, because the educated, critical eye will not hold itself under the scrutiny it holds everything else under. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.

[@I_cant_spell879]

Have you played/done a video on cloudpunk?

[@namgyallharipa8206]

Hi leadhead!

[@casey_sux]

gurl how do you keep putting these out so quickly?! dang!

[@coolmikefromcanada]

sometimes i wonder about why i'm afraid to claim an identity, thank you for putting it into words

[@cavejohnson976]

incredible

[@Hyperky1]

Connor Shaun Carpenter, second of his name, heir to Sylex Industries, has approved this message.