The Hoe Phase & Sexual Performativity

[@funyie1120]

When the chloe hate started and she came out and stated that she was simply exploring her sexuality, it made me wondere why sexuality is always expressed the same way. The same lacey, minimal clothing. The same dance moves, same lyrics etc. It also always centers around how well one pleases a man.

[@TeeNoir]

My thoughts exactly

[@mmck2565]

It’s not though. people just choose to target the girls who choose to express themselves that way. And for some reason publicly hate project and try to shame this specific group. I’m honestly bringing to feel videos sharing views like this only add and uphold the lack of autonomy many of y’all say we have have. A girl could say “ but I’m just me doing me today. Might mess around and do me differently tomorrow “ and I’m now willing to bet a check that y’all will say BUT YOU’RE STILL MOVING THROUGH THE MALE GAZE- SOME HOW. .. like do y’all not even a little be see how suffocating this is all becoming? Can we just be? Now it’s not only just the patriarchy it’s the individuals “ fighting the good fight” so hard they forget to actually look back and see if it’s helpful to everyone.

[@funyie1120]

@@mmck2565 No one is condemning them. Chloe can express herself how ever she pleases and that is no-ones business. I just wonder why that is the only way sexuality is expressed? Why cant someone be sexy in like a church suit? I think patriarchy has defined what sexuality is and how it's expressed whilst condemning women that use that form expression. I think that as women liberated themselves they simply removed that condemnation attached to it, instead of taking a step back and try to discover what sexuality means to them. If they come to the same conclusion as what has been given GREAT!! I'm not saying it's bad, I literally participate in it. I'm just curious why that it the standard?

[@tiaraw872]

@@funyie1120 but there are women that are sexy in a suit. Like wth are y’all talking about! There’s literally so many way women have shown they are sexy, from being covered to showing skin. We are all not the same. So many examples, look them up

[@biancadesousa]

@@funyie1120no one is telling you how you should express yourself. lead by example! show us how we can do it in different ways. ranting behind an anonymous comment isn't changing anything. instead of telling women how they express themselves doesn't feel right by u go off and do your own thing :)

[@grmgt]

The part abt S.A is so true... Society needs to always remember: "natural body responses do NOT equal consent".

[@Kiannka]

I mean we already have this argument with men right? "Being hard doesnt mean arousal" so why is isn't it the same for women? Smh

[@jaxj968]

@@Kiannkaexactly!

[@please_im_a_staaar]

I read somewhere about this woman who said that when she was hit by a car, she was laying on the ground, and she was very anxious because all she could think about is not a possibility of death or disability that will change her life forever, but that she couldn't remember if she changed her underwear that day, and they're gonna bring her to the hospital, the doctors will remove her clothes and see she has a stain or smell on her panties. The shame over vag goes deep, friends. How many times did I go down on a guy who's genitals smelled? And how many times I tried to normalize the smell of male genitals in my head? Every time. And how many times did I do this for my genitals? Zero.

[@TheYoungKilljoy]

I read just the same story, I think it was in "Pornography" by Andrea Dworkin or "The Eunuch Women" by Germaine Greer. But yeah, that story always pops in my head every once in a while.

[@ummesaima_18]

God I feel for her till this day I have this deep disgust of someone going down to me but I don’t bat an eyes to give men heads

[@brake6015]

Its interesting how when it does come to sex men are unwilling to do oral if you have any scent meanwhile they could have just ran a 10k and be generating the nastiest scent and expect you to treat them…. “You said you would!” “Its been so long come on” etc… they dont see it as coercion. If youre “slimy” aka wet some men find that disgusting but still expect you to swallow or allow them to finish in your mouth. It feels like men have gotten so used to being seen as more important/deserving of more they cannot fathom 1. Being turned down, and 2. What it is like to have to compromise in that way for their partners. This is not every man in any means, but a lot of men. Especially when starting their sexual journeys.

[@ibot2157]

@@brake6015 Because women let them do that, man are aggressive and dominant because women select that trait in them.

[@grizzlyalmighty2]

that last part is a WILD thing to admit. i hope you love yourself more now

[@maybe8985]

The hypersexualisation and sometimes adultification in the music industry needs to be studied (i’m looking at you 90s teen stars)

[@LoneWulf278]

It is. Extensively.

[@davruck1]

No it doesn’t. Y’all sound like goofy white people. How about you just live your life.

[@Thed538dhsk]

The problem imo is it's not always the choice of the artist. There is lots of co-ercing due "sex sales" to both males and females to be more sexual in content. For some reason nearly every r&b, pop, and hip hop female artist if they get big become more sexualized. I'd argue Adele and maybe Billie Ellish are exceptions. Once a few albums come out it just seems like even if the content before was as sexualized suddenly it becomes like that OR the artists seemingly don't seem to get bigger despite large momentum in their career. As for male artists ever since Tupac so many male rappers were durag and muscles out. So many pop male singers that blow up have more innuendo filled "love songs" etc. It's all good if the artist's are exploring what they want but if execs are pushing it to keep spins and streams from artists hesitant at first then it feels more predatory especially with younger artists

[@FairyDragon9]

Good thinking. In the hip-hop/rnb it is pushed by those who write the artist checks. Powers that were, strategically created this corruption. They know it's low vibrational sex. Not high vibed with love behind it. Many artist are turned away often because they don't want to sign those with "positive" music. They only want music about low vibe sex, drugs, and murder in the blk comm. This is strategically done. Ppl are not over sexed the media over sexed ppl.

[@melitta222]

@@Thed538dhsk YES! Thank you for saying this. So many times, it's their PR teams and these old white execs telling them what to do and how to be more sellable and they know sex sells. They are often just reduced to a product used to make money. Is it really even empowering if that's why it's done in the first place :/

[@honeykosu]

i was never thoroughly taught how to take care of my vagina and vulva when i was younger, like cleaning or common infections like bv. even now i feel like it’s unclear whether im taking care of myself properly or if theres a RIGHT way to do it, it makes me especially insecure thinking about future sexual partners - i dont blame my mom, but i do mourn the shame for our bodies and bodily health that led to my confusion in the first place. id love to hear other experiences, too! edit: be mature, if youre going to shame then leave, this isnt your space to talk. thank you to those who are being compassionate + helpful! i’ll delete this comment if it stops being a safe space for discussion. edit 2: it’s incredibly sad that most of the people passing judgements are also women, its counterproductive to act hostile. your behavior feeds into this problem. its better to help.

[@maggiescarlet]

Back when I started getting my period I was a bit insecure if I was taking care of everything "right", and around that time there was a lot of pube hate online too so that kinda sucked.... Try not to worry though, washing with water is enough! And it'll probably be pretty obvious if you get a yeast infection because it's pretty uncomfortable, an OTC cream can sort that kind of thing out :)

[@micheller3251]

I can definitely relate, it took me years of trying different stuff and getting familiar with my own vulva to figure out that the best for me is just to "let it breathe" and switch to reusable cotton pads for my periods. The thing is, on top of the lack of information, every body has different reactions to different things. While someone might tell you that X was fantastic and had no bad side effect, on someone else it might cause irritation and really bad rashes. And insecurity regarding future partner is super normal, especially if you're a late bloomer like I was (first had sex at 22). Take advantage of this time alone, take time with your body, get to know it, let it do its thing and see what happens. Figure out what *your* normal is.

[@kmarijax3595]

GIRLL, I am glad someone else has the same experience. I feel the exact same way too. I didn't grow up with a mom, so I had to rely on media/internet and general women around me for info about taking care of the vagina, and there were so many mixed responses?? I grew up so confused, hair or no hair?? Douching? How many cleanses or products do I need?? I feel like (with no fault of their own) other women are just as lost as we are. They have been taught the same shame, the same BS, or not taught at all. Now I feel like if internally your health is ok, or you are getting it treated if something is wrong, all you need is some mild soap and water LOL!

[@rachelle88818]

Don't get suckered into those 'female hygiene' products that have 'special' ingredients to clean your vulva and make it 'smell' nice. Wash daily and gently with some water and you'll be fine. If your discharge starts to smell, go to the doctors for some treatment and don't be ashamed, it happens.

[@IshtarNike]

@da midwif problem is there's so much misinformation out there. Just look at what she said about how they were selling douching products in the 60s. That's terrible for vaginal health and is likely to cause more smells but ppl don't know.

[@joylastname3035]

In Nigeria, calling women ashewo (pidgin slang for wh*re) is the equivalent of a greeting by mostly men and some women. You don't need to be doing anything or looking remotely sexual, a man is sure to call you ashewo for refusing his advances, making good money,having a better job, being single, living in a nice apartment or neighborhood, having a car,arguing with him or simply existing. I say simply existing cos there was this day, I was dressed in wide leg slacks and a long sleeved shirt buttoned up all the way, a man called me ashewo cos of my lipstick colour. I remember being called ashewo as early as 16 yrs old cos of the length of my skirt. It wasn't a micro mini. I guess my knees were visible so that equated ashewo behaviour. They try their best to reduce women to nothing but walking vaginas not worthy of regard or respect. You can't achieve too much by yourself as a woman cos you're sure to be told you were only able to advance cos you slept your way there. Whatever you're doing, there's a man (and some women) waiting to "put you in your place" by calling you a wh*re. We're exhausted!! 😫😫

[@Willow-cw9te]

And the thing is a lot of schools, especially religious school enforce that. It’s really disgusting, now that i think about it.

[@cutecat1764]

@@Willow-cw9te "especially religious school enforce that." cause they still have functioning brains

[@marywilliams6079]

Same thing happened to me on the streets of Lagos.. A guy called me an ashawo because I didn’t respond to his greeting. The way I insulted him back enh, nonsense!!!

[@gracejacobs7146]

I remember being called ashewo for being light skinned

[@_thisisbeatrice]

Omo you said everything

[@melw9147]

The point you made about Chloe being sheltered is the word I’ve been looking for. And I also wish the virgin, innocence to super sexual pipeline in the music industry would die out.

[@XxQueenChristinaxX]

Yes, yes. I see this a lot with former "church girls".

[@RukkyErifeta]

I don't think it can die out because that is majority of the world's actual reality. Start of sheltered, grow into deciding what individuality looks like for you.

[@kenicia5741]

or maybe it’s bc of the fact she was a literal child before?? y’all are ridiculous leave her alone

[@XxQueenChristinaxX]

@@kenicia5741 Sure but at the same time you can act/look grown and be underage.

[@itzcandy5896]

@@XxQueenChristinaxXbut she’s not underaged 😭

[@serenaposthumus1382]

The hair in this vid! YES, YES, YES! The red/orange looked AMAZING with that fit!

[@TeeNoir]

When I put the full fit on I was like oh yes this shit GO 😂🤎

[@serenaposthumus1382]

@@TeeNoir Yes, absolutely STUNNING 🤩 your videos and fit always have the same TOP TIER energy!!!

[@crackdreams3661]

I think Doja Cat right now is the best example of a woman exploring her sexuality completely outside the male gaze. She's wearing things and presenting herself in ways that are completely outside of the male gaze's version of a beautiful and sexy woman yet she says this is the sexiest and most beautiful she's ever felt.

[@astoldbynickgerr]

Amazing.

[@danispriggs7818]

Yesss!

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

She's mixed race though. I think that if you're biracial and non ADOS the more choice, the more range you have in those kind of decisions. Also Doja Cat comes off as having issues and being a bit messy, again easier if you're biracial (or white).

[@danispriggs7818]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 Good point

[@Pugbot-mt3kx]

I would even say Rihanna did a good job exploring her sexuality outside the male gaze too. I think that’s why so many ppl find rih as a huge sex symbol cause she mastered it. Her short hair phase and heavy makeup era is what I’m referring to

[@lydp2573]

I'm not from the US and i find the whole "fruit scented v-wash" just so very weird. The intimate washes I see are pretty much unscented and the only difference to regular bodywashes is the pH, that is ofc v friendly. Tbh i can't imagine how such a heavily scented product would not be irritating to a sensitive area.

[@beth7935]

Yeah, I'm from Australia, & even the idea of a special, separate product is weird to me- they exist, but they're the kind you describe. I think I asked my Mum wtf they were when I was 13-ish & she was like "nah, you don't need anything special like that". We might've learnt it in sex ed too; that was good here even in the 80s & 90s.

[@ilikehamburgerandsprite478]

I Learned the hard way that it’s not good for you . I bought this cucumber type of body wash from bath and body works when I was a teen. Man it smelt amazing but it caused me to get BV for the first and last time in my life . I’ve been using honey pot (sensitive formula) for years and it’s an amazing all natural product

[@CJ-cz3hv]

Yes v-wash should smell like nothing, like literal soap

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Yup. Things should not be scented of perfumed so much anyways.

[@iridescentraindrops]

Yeah, Americans are too capitalistic and religious for their own good. In ex-socialist countries there's no s*it like this.

[@LiquidReality90]

As an ace person I want to thank you for saying a person's sexual activity isn't this do or die thing that makes a person who they are. I find it hard to navigate in a world where sex is held up on this golden pedestal to be worshiped. Of course, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting sex. I just find I get a lot of push back because I don't hold sex up as the be all and end all

[@TeeNoir]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad it resonated with you because oof, we gotta do better.

[@greenghost636]

I was just about to comment the same thing! People who don't understand what it is like to be ace can sometimes lack the understanding of how disheartening it is when it seems everyone loves this thing you have no interest in or are extremely grossed out by and can't understand there are other ways of being and that it is totally natural - so it is nice to hear someone who isn't ace acknowledge that sex isn't a necessary thing that all must do and are defined by :)

[@westangayidols]

Another ace here! I enjoy all Tee's videos on sexuality, because I can see what others go through and how it works

[@astoldbynickgerr]

I feel you :( it’s hard out here

[@plaidpuma]

@@westangayidols same it's also entertaining because it's a world I'm not used to being exposed to.

[@lm.1221]

41:41 It makes me incredibly sad to hear how the body will try and protect itself from what is going on by lubrication. That is really heartbreaking to hear. Even more so hearing how it is used against women in court.

[@Turquerina]

Anything and everything can be used against women, to a point where morality is somehow equated to the gender spectrum. So the more masculine you are, the better you are. This millennia old battle is an ongoing struggle, but we should try to combat it however we can!

[@langustajableczna]

@@Turquerina That's pretty silly. Women are treated bad regardless of what we look like. Butch women are treated terribly... You've never heard or saw men saying derogatory, horrible things to and about gnc women? Or even black women they precive as masculine? Or when a woman is simply being her natural self, not shaving. no makeup, wearing comfortable clothing. "Like a man" is used as an insult because you are breaking free from the mold and men hate it

[@Google_remote]

@@langustajableczna they were saying that they dont like it that you have to appease to a certain personality to stay safe. they werent saying that its impossible to get abused as a masculine woman, they were just saying that you shouldn’t have to force yourself to be someone else to be safe.

[@hamilcross]

@@langustajableczna you clearly missed the point lol read again slowly

[@unlikelytravelerc]

as someone who’s bigger and have yet to have anyone romantically be attracted to me, i found that i was trying to hyper-sexualize myself in order to make up for the lack of romantic endeavor. took a lot of therapy to work that shit out, still working on it. 👍

[@LauraLoraVlogs]

Oh wow, same

[@Yuyiyo911]

I wonder if that applies to CupcakKe, she makes some pretty hypersexualized content and I sometimes wonder if she was doing that to sort of make up for being plus sized.

[@brennam954]

So relatable. I think it's what women turn to anytime they feel insecure or are more deeply marginalized, they try to perform femininity and desire (via the male gaze) even harder. There's a perception out there that larger women are easier to get in bed. I think most of that assumption is born of male entitlement and desire for power over women, and since larger women are seen as less valuable, they're "supposed" to be easier. Unfortunately but understandably, I think in very small part it is true because low self-esteem will cause you to lower your expectations and work harder to get the same social need of validation. It's just human nature.

[@brittanyr1456]

This reminds me of the young lady from Euphoria..

[@samsprague3158]

Bless, keep your head up. There really is someone for everyone, it’s not just a cliche.

[@kaylad1669]

"Your sexual behavior is NOT your personality" ... that's it, that's all, that's the video! 🥰

[@itzcandy5896]

It’s a part of it tho 😘

[@princessnsalem]

It's not your personality but it's as important as you nutritional health active life health mental health. Why. Because it's impacts your life

[@kaylad1669]

@@princessnsalem I never said it wasn’t important or impactful… I simply said it’s not your personality like the video said………… 🙃

[@jungcooque6360]

that was a very important section, but uh... definitely not the whole video. there was SO MUCH more. so much. there's a lot of nuance too. so many good points being made, i wouldn't disrespect this video by saying that was the whole topic or takeaway from it.

[@kaylad1669]

@@jungcooque6360 obviously there was more to the 49 minute video essay…. My opinion is that the quote mentioned is the most important and the best takeaway. You don’t have to agree with my opinion. If you do, then cool. I’m good either way 😅

[@pep-o-wispy]

The oxytocin point is the one that always gets me. I feel like whenever you hear the opinions of someone advocating that, "Women have sex for different reasons than men," they'll always say something along the lines of, " Women release oxytocin during sex, the bonding hormone, which is why we form emotional attachments during sex and men don't." And it's sad because that's a google-able untruth. Men release significant amounts of oxytocin after ejaculation. We just get the label of becoming too attached while they attach themselves to whoever they want. It just makes me sad for all the girlies who maybe aren't as prone to questioning things (myself once) and just end up taking in all this misinformation.

[@clockworkoregano]

It reminds me of the "women are more emotional than men" trope which really just comes from denying anger as an emotion (often times the result of suppressing other emotions at that).

[@icycici6191]

Thank you for posting this!! I always detested that "oxytocin argument". I remember famous scientist Helen Fisher brought forth evidence of monogamy in other mammals including men from vasopressin. Men produce more "monogamy hormone" than women & yet women get labeled as being the absolute in attachment!! 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@jawarholol4651]

Males produce the hormone prolactin after orgasm. It's a bonding hormone that increases oxytocin and vasopressin. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4370565/

[@icycici6191]

@@jawarholol4651 Thank you for the link!! 😃

[@anissa2361]

@@clockworkoregano Yes I hate this!

[@anniejankovic8056]

I really appreciate the section on wetness because I didn't even really know that it's like, not consistent or fully indicative of desire. I've actually had moments before while really enjoying intimacy with my partner where I've been confused at the fact that we needed lube because I was feeling really really into it. Kind of eye opening to think of it in a simpler, bodily function kind of way. Like my body doesn't have buttons, you can't just hit the "turned on" button and receive wetness. Like it's (for lack of a better word) fluid and inconsistent, and doesn't need to be so focused on or sought after. Like it can just Be

[@TeeNoir]

Yes!

[@gil5885]

you using the word fluid gave me a little giggle

[@saxviars9749]

I'd love a signed copy! :) My vagina repulsion story was when I was with my first male partner at around 19, and they 24. It's funny, because I told him that I was a virgin which he got very excited for. But when he saw my vagina first hand, he was somewhat repulsed, and made a negative comment on my pubic hair. Like, this was my first time sharing this part of my body to someone, what else did they expect it to look like? At that point I could have made the choice to have one of my most intimate parts of me altered for his gaze, or the gaze of everyone really. And for a brief moment I did become repulsed. Yet the shaving and the waxing were so uncomfortable when the hair grew back, it wasn't worth it for me. No one can make me feel guilty for something that benefits my body's functionality. Now I just let it grow like the chorus of that song from the lorax lol.

[@genovasquez8361]

I'm 46 years old I miss that hairy bush from the 70s. I am one of the few who loves it hairy

[@ИмяФамилия-ф2д8ш]

It bothers me too tbh. Getting excited over having an inexperienced, young partner only to be repulsed by a body part not being a rosy smelling and clean shaved? Man 🤡💀

[@dzinive]

[@teyannaaverill9613]

Amazing!! So happy that you were able to take your power back. I hope I can get back to that point

[@carmenvega4911]

It’s so weird how excited men get at being someone’s first. When I told my partner at the time that I was a virgin he went on to talk about how he had taken other peoples virginity’s as well like it was a prize. If I had the understanding at the time I would have never slept with him and gave that part of me. I felt like an object to his collection

[@ohgoddexxxx]

There was a turning point in my sexuality journey that made me realize I don’t want to be sexy for men and also it’s not hard to be sexy for men because of how we’re socialized to center men and their desires. Once I started making myself feel good in my body, people distanced themselves from me and I realized just how engrained all these societal standards are within us

[@itzablackcat]

what do you mean why did they start distancing themselves exactly that's kinda vague

[@danispriggs7818]

This video is so timely. I saw my gyno today and she asked me the last time I was sexually active. I told her I had books to read. We both laughed because we both knew it was true. I truly feel that because of the abuse that I suffered when I was younger, I felt I didn't own my vagina and in my 20s my actions followed that thought. Today though....sheeeit! I own all of this and will gladly let you know

[@cupidsulfer7504]

🎉 congratulations on your path to healing love! You own every parts of yourself

[@anromeow]

something that doesn't make sense to me in the logic of not having many partners because you get "loose" is that they assume that having only one partner won't have that same effect, even if the amount of encounters is the same. in what way would sleeping with 10 people make you loose but sleeping 10 times with one person won't?

[@AshwiniMoon9irl]

Guys d sizes are different..

[@crystalw.6033]

@@AshwiniMoon9irl exactly why, in that respect, sleeping with multiple smaller sized men would not equate to or be worse than sleeping with one bigger sized man multiple times

[@inihilisme1511]

@@AshwiniMoon9irl The only reason a woman is loose is either when she gave birth or when she is excited. If she is really tight it's a bad sign honestly.

[@MarieJohanna760]

​@@AshwiniMoon9irlstill does Not make a difference

[@deno9607]

Women who give birth are not loose

[@Fabsocialism]

Thinking back about chloe vs beyonce and rhianna also could show the difference in perspectives based on age. Liked I probably would find her sexual expression cringe when someone younger probably cant find anything wrong with it. Chloe will never be able to do her “sexuality” right especially to people like me who do not have to ever display that publicly or grow publicly.

[@TeeNoir]

Right?? Just the utter thought of having to journey through my sexual expression in the public eye makes my stomach hurt. We should really take it easier on the gworls

[@ad2094]

I love that y'all know of each other!

[@samsprague3158]

Such a good point. Just one more reason to give grace to young women. How quickly we forget what it was like to be on the cusp of adulthood.

[@apocalypseready6256]

Coming from a young woman who has literally no sexual experience but an incredibly high libido and some very imaginative fanfic accounts, I find that negotiating between my sexuality and my day-to-day presentation is incredibly difficult. I subscribe very much to the Lolita (the Japanese style, for clarification) ideology; hyperfemininity for hyperfemininity’s sake. I’ve always been distinctly uncomfortable with femininity’s link to sexuality, and objectification, so flipping to the opposite end of the spectrum where I dress and present myself as cute and borderline childlike as possible was really appealing to me. I wear pinks, pastels, cutesy makeup, carry around stuffed animals and sometimes even outright wear kid’s clothes. And I’m subconsciously aware that reacting to the male gaze is once again centering it in my life; yet I still love this aesthetic divorced from the reactionary patriarchal critique behind it. It makes me feel happy and comfortable in my own skin. Yet, at the same time, has greatly complicated my romantic life-mostly because guys constantly project this “submissive, Asian” doll wife fantasy on me based into he way I present myself. When, in reality, that can be no further from the truth; Im actually very dominant, whether in (my imagined) sexual scenarios or not. I’d even say I’d enjoy BDSM and bondage and hurting my sexual partner (consensually obviously), yet imagining getting to a place where I would be comfortable sharing this with a guy seems unimaginable. Because it’s just so… unexpected, so out of left field. I’m not someone who wears latex or cat suits or whips in bed-if anything, I’d love “sweet” and simple clothes, nothing lacy or even lingerie-ish. I don’t look like a “bad bitch” who will stomp on you in my everyday life. Reconciling these two sides of myself-the cutesy, pastel covered one and the one with a bit of a dark side, and certainly very sexually adventurous-has been incredibly difficult, because I’m forced to navigate my own sexuality in a very unconventional way. I’d never want to dress up for any potential boyfriend and “perform” for them; and is that not what female sexuality is?? It’s very confusing and I appreciate that this video offers me an opportunity to consider why that is.

[@chokemewithmydiamonds9456]

you're young so just know this: a lot of guys don't actually want you to dress up in latex and call them daddy. a lot of them actually like being dominated (though the degree varies, you may or may not be into more than what most regular men want, i don't know). communication is key and if the person is uncomfortable with your desires then move on. so many horny people with all sorts of kinks, but you may never know if you don't share, but also don't feel like you need to tell the whole world what you're into. find someone you connect with and start from there :)

[@chasebarber10]

I hope that you can find that bc what you're saying is so valid and real. And it's sad that even when we exist in a healthy expressive way, we can't avoid that gaze and societal norms. We can only do our best to cope with it and live our lives freely

[@samsprague3158]

I believe in you! Just for the record, guys are equally likely to not fit into what is “expected”, even if they try to conform outwardly. As long as you feel safe doing so, I hope you will give your prospective male partners space to express themselves too and not assume too much about what they want or how they will react to your individuality.

[@beckysuperswag]

damn are you me? lol but, you will definitely find partners as long as you don’t compromise in your wants. quality over quantity after all. maybe try more bisexual, gnc boys. they have more open minds. i definitely dress in a lot of lolita/coquette clothes and tend to be very ‘little’ and i find that especially because i have some other ND traits ppl assume i’m unintelligent or immature…until they get to know me. i also find that when trying to find more kinky partners (because i don’t understand sex that isn’t talked about before hand in vivid detail) that when ppl hear of me being little they immediately think submissive or that i’m some sort of sub male fantasy. i’ve never been submissive in my life. and the way people cling to labels in the bdsm community ends up ruining the whole point. why do i have to wear leather to be a so-called “dominant” and maybe these labels are only ideas to jumpstart creativity and we don’t have to appeal to any certain aesthetic to be ourselves.

[@tonystonem9614]

Girl lemme know where u buy cute Lolita style clothes, shoes and lingerie and stuff cuz I’m trying to expand my closet

[@EleiyaUmei]

40:45 "It's a common trope that while women deny their sexual excitement and desire, their bodies betray them. It's there every time someone says 'she' or 'I was so w**' as proof of desire." YES! I hate that trope sm, it's everywhere: Whether in regular fiction with one or few sex scenes in it, erotica or smut fanfics - *regardless of the gender of the author* (though it might be linked to heterosexuality). Especially since I'm asexual and seldom experience desire but have no problem with certain bodily functions. And that trope's implications regarding r*pe and dubious consent is so infuriating and dangerous.

[@theoistrying9904]

I always wondered why I was so uncomfortable saying “I’m wet” and this describes it perfectly

[@cestmon8475]

True especially because a vagina being wet or a penis being hard doesn’t equal desire, it’s an over played trope that does harm in insidious ways irl

[@Robstafarian]

@@cestmon8475 Thanks for mentioning the similar problem for those of us with Y chromosomes.

[@EleiyaUmei]

@@Robstafarian Or in general those who have a penis - since you don't need a Y chromosome to have one (e.g. in the case of intersex people).

[@TeeNoir]

Yes! The author used Fifty Shades of Grey as an example and I couldn't agree more.

[@clockworkoregano]

Hetero view of purity is soo real and clear as a bisexual. When body count came up (convo I don't entertain now) it was "women don't count" among other convo of bisexuality that basically say they don't see it as legitimate. Penetration with toys or things used as foreplay in hetero "isnt accccccccctually sex".

[@dovecheca9633]

yess as a lesbian I hate when ppl ask when did you lose ur v card to me or others and then I’ll/someone say “oh with a girl when I was so and so age” and then someone says “no but I mean with a guy”. 😒😒

[@qweqweewrwe23e132az]

if he don’t care if it’s with a girl or with a toy then that’s the opposite of him caring about purity bc he’s fine with you having sex but not just with other people similar to him (ie men, which I’m assuming he is)

[@clockworkoregano]

@@qweqweewrwe23e132az nah, they just don't recognize those as valid sex. If that's all you've done they'll say you're still haven't lost your virginity- which is a made up concept around purity- so yea, it is still to due with purity and denial that lesbian/bi sexualities are real at a superficial level but deep down insecurity and control if we are being honest.

[@haute03]

As a queer woman, I agree. It's beyond weird to me too.

[@jennywhat6108]

Males who think lesbian sex ain’t real sex are 100% shitty in bed. Those male bitches better be eating some cunts

[@Isa.esthetics]

It blows my mind that men will be mad that you have a centimeter of hair, but they can have it to the max. They can have a full jungle and if I say something I’m the bad person. the patriarchy is insane.

[@brennam954]

Exactly lol. Even with my legs completely unshaven, it's thin and sparse and not even 1/3 of what the average dude has, and yet there's still no room for allowance of our body hair. Really it's just about creating more extremes to separate the genders more. Everything has to be the opposite.

[@alexaf7400]

Guys who don’t see that as hypocritical should not be given the time of day. If they mad then they can leave

[@thecrow4597]

Go join the Army and fight in Ukraine if you think men and women live equivocal lives with equivocal standards. Your entire life is propped up by the difficult efforts of men and all you can do with that privilege is complain about hair and be a spoiled pos.

[@tn420animations9]

Most men irl dont care about body hair

[@Isa.esthetics]

@@tn420animations9 not in my experience. 2 different men made me feel bad for “not grooming” when they didn’t. And I shouldn’t have to.

[@user_unsub2553]

Damn Tee, I can full heartedly say you have been a good influence in my life! Ty your vids have changed me for the better...

[@Bubbles603]

@@Thissolidsis girl you just hyping everyone up 😂😂😂❤

[@TeeNoir]

This is very heartwarming thank you!

[@vcrmchl]

Just to highlight how basically anything can be used against a woman, I was once shamed by a guy I slept with an uni for my WAP being *too* W. He told all his friends, and 18-year-old me was absolutely mortified and just so ashamed. I’m not sure if his comments were rooted in trying to make himself look good or out of disgust at my biology, but I definitely internalised it as the latter at the time. 😐 Just as a side note: Though I fell out with him at the time, I later slept with this same guy again, and he stopped halfway through and said “I knew I could get you back into bed”, and it turned out he was just doing it as some kind of weird power move. Imagine being so manipulative you are literally willing to blueball yourself like that!

[@magical-soap5359]

My god, that last sentence is a kicker lmao

[@TeeNoir]

Damn wtf

[@soupafleye]

i hope you’re okay. that would make my spirit so uncomfortable and icky. i’d like to hope that after he said that you spat on him or threw him off or just never spoke to him again after that. just a nasty nasty person

[@sydneyt1204]

dang choose wisely who you sleep with

[@Lafemmefutile]

A man slanders and humiliates you and you go back to him… I want all of us to stop this.

[@itzkaydayz5408]

This was really refreshing. I used to always be ashamed of not shaving or waxing my underarms and vagina all the time. To my defense, shaving and waxing a lot irritates those sensitive are. Constantly dealing with black heads and Ingrown hair was just uncomfortable. When I stopped shaving and waxing so frequently I saw a difference. I didn’t have to deal with bumps, itching or irritation. Now, I prefer to get small sheers and keep things trimmed. I’m happy that I chose to do what’s best for me and not to adhere to other people’s standard.

[@BryonyClaire]

I'm so glad you continued this series! And brought in the gynecologist too, that was such a great addition

[@jammity3917]

as an autistic woman I resonated so hard with what you said about clumsiness and obstacles not being in the concept of sex. when you find it hard to read social cues begin with, sex feels less emancipatory and more like all other social interactions but worse, because you're not meant to be awkward and talk honestly about it?? so many minute social cues and social expectations- this concept of sex feels so neurotypical as well sometimes. thank you for your analysis 💖

[@KingofKrustycrab]

I can kind of relate to Chloe's situation. Just like her and her sister I was raised in a strict Christian household. That ment No music other than gospel, no provocative clothing, no boys, no jewelry, and the topic of Sex was off the table. I had to be home at a certain time, couldn't go out with friends. I wasnt allowed to do most things kids my age did. So when I was old enough and got my own job, had my own money, I still wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. Once I moved out and was on my own, I felt liberated and did explore my sexuality. When you've been raised a certain way for such a long time of course your gonna wanna try something different. Some of you may disagree with her choices, but it's her life and she can do what she wants.

[@sophiaelayne9984]

I was raised very much the same way. But once I got out, I pretty much stay true to myself. I thought there were very few men who deserved anything from me. I didn’t see it in the way that they spoke to women in general and the way they carry themselves that would be anything I’d want to deal with.

[@theresidentenby]

I love the open conversation about the result of radical feminism and its symbiosis with the "male gaze." The top comment under the 'Perfect Pussy Complex Video' read, "Feminism went from I am NOT a piece of meat to I am the BEST piece of meat and no one batted an eye." That really resonated me. That radical jump seems to have completely ignored people with vaginas who are non-binary (myself). My takeaway from both parts is that we took a word that was used by men in a derogatory sense...internalized it and regurgitated it through a farcical sense of body positivity. To add onto this already toxic nature of confidence as something a person with a vagina needs in order to be successful. Mina Le's video on the cult of confidence made me realize that these radical jumps in mentality don't take neurodivergency, asexuality, body neutrality, or general queerness into account.

[@TeeNoir]

I've been meaning to watch Mina's video! But in regards to the top comment, unfortunately I had to delete it as people were taking it as an opportunity to spew slut-shaming rhetoric, but I really appreciate you examining the climate of body positivity and sharing how it affects you personally.

[@transsexual_computer_faery]

the cishet power structure is real and very tragicomical

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

i don't understand. because people are sexually neutral, non sexual neutral people can't be proud of their bodies?

[@langustajableczna]

You don't seem to know much about radical feminism or know any radical feminism. Tee noir and mina lee are not even remotely close to radical feminism. It absolutely takes into account nonbinary women, intersectionality, asexuality or "queeress" (many of us are non-white, neurodivergent and lgb). Body (and gender) neutrality is a core component of radical feminism. Your comment has no point to even mention radical feminism, kinda weird. What rf authors have you read to come to that conclusion?

[@transsexual_computer_faery]

@@langustajableczna radfem is gender essentialist so.... no?

[@mirithilrose54]

Thank you for making this! As an older women the male gaze has always felt like a demon watching over my shoulder. Back then we didn't have a word for it. But we were always reminded that it existed. Even magazines for women were constantly filled with articles about what kind of clothes, make-up, etc. men liked. I started to internalize it at a young age, even though I'm bi and more into women than men. Your video really helps with the unpacking I've been doing these past years. 💖

[@greenghost636]

What's really great is my local supermarket has changed the labelling of the aisle from "feminine hygiene products" to "period care products", which though could have been done many years ago is still massively appreciated :) - better late than never!

[@ebonyv4289]

Can't believe a 25 year old has given me so much insight at my BIG age. Appreciate you! This info is needed

[@TeeNoir]

We're all learning together! Thank you for watching!

[@elle_rose_xx]

I remember the ANXIETY I felt when I first learnt what a douche was. I was like, I HAVE TO CLEAAAAAAN NOW!! My mum is thankfully aware that douches are in fact BAD for you, and told me so (she’s awesome, I love my mum). I also remember when I first saw my discharge, I had literally no idea what it was. I was like 8. I genuinely thought I was ill and like going to die or something. But I was so scared about the possibility of being ill I didn’t say anything at all. And I’m not sure when I actually learnt what discharge was or how to tell if it’s healthy etc. I think I gradually picked it up in conversation and pretended I knew exactly what was being talked about. I know now if I’d asked my mum she would have just told me, but I was so scared I was sick and the confirmation of that was more terrifying to me than actually being sick! And finally Let’s top it all off With a toxic man story Well men tbh the amount of guys I’ve heard make comments about shaving, how it tastes how it smells etc. but one specific guy, literally DUMPED me, because I didn’t shave enough for his standards. And I had been advised by my doctor not to because I’m extremely prone to cystitis and like your pubes are there to keep you safe ok respect your pubes. I told him this, and also that it was my body therefore he had no say in what I do with it, and he ACTUALLY SAID that ‘women use feminism as an excuse just to be unhygienic you can’t pull out that uno reverse card whenever you want you’re just dirty’ OH. MY. he also went on about how I should dress a certain way etc (this was all in one very heated conversation) and how I should clean for him…. So… yeah we can see what type of man he was and I am happy to report after that I blocked him on literally everything

[@itswreckitronnie1803]

And its crazy that we can understand men having "no reason 🦴ers" as well as ED so its like, we know arousal isnt linked to desire; why do we push that narrative onto women?!

[@astoldbynickgerr]

‼️‼️

[@brennam954]

Because it's a way for men through patriarchy to regain control. It's not easy making the argument that women outright deserve to be sexually harassed, assaulted, owned as slaves anymore just for being women (well, for the most part, though we live in the remnants of those popular ideas). So in order for men to continue having control over women but make it more palatable, we have to make it women's fault. If women are to blame for every bad behavior they experience at the hands of men, then men don't have to change. We become responsible not just for their thoughts but for their actions.

[@Rolandesperspective]

this is a really good point!

[@courtneymishan4574]

wow this is a phenomenal comment 😮👏🏽

[@haley9442]

never thought about this!!!

[@annianxiety5408]

I love these videos! So very helpful for me who has been sexually humiliated by parents, boyfriends, friends etc. Now at age 29 I finally have started to think that I wasn’t asking to be sexual object as a child and young girl or as woman. I wasn’t even thinking about these things before other people told me how faulty I am. Today it doesn’t hurt me much if some misogynist don’t find me worthy. But it did so long it’s very sad.

[@freya7016]

I always love Tee's videos but this one resonated with me so deeply! The distinction between the P as a sexual object and the V was such an aha moment for me cos it truly describes what I have felt about my body since I was a pre-teen. Society expects perfect sexual performance and a pretty pu$$y but also wants to act like normal bodily functions don't exist and your vag is an object for sex and nothing else. Society glamourises WAPs but is simultaneously repulsed by day-to-day discharge and odour which is simply an indicator of health and changes throughout the menstrual cycle. I was also so appreciative of you acknowledging that the problems and concerns people have with the woah phase (love that) can still occur in a monogamous relationship!

[@MOLLYLUNCHCO]

I love how my V smells. It's healthy, it smells like body. I don't want it to smell like candy or fruit or whatever. It's kind of like how day old armpit with a little bit of deodorant mixed in smells good and attractive (to me). That said, I had BV once and that.... did not smell good hahaha that was an indicator that I needed to go see my doctor. But there is a difference! And to lump all smells into the "BAD" category is boring lol

[@magical-soap5359]

Smells are just interesting lol

[@Misstressofdons]

When I had BV I described the smell like "a bag of dicks". Which it did. My V smells and tastes fantastic 🤣 it's me.

[@transsexual_computer_faery]

based

[@burnteffigy87]

It's the pheromones i swear!..I've always been sensitive to synthetic and heavy scents .but i love a nice clean body musk...I feel like it's basic biology where most man also rely on scent to understand and discern cues from another animal. If someone is Drenched in body spray ,perfume, etc you're sus AF to me and I wanna know what to you're trying to hide😅

[@magical-soap5359]

@@burnteffigy87 Love that "clean body musk" :D

[@juliusmaloney]

What’s interesting is when a man has been a victim of male on male SA & the subject of arousal, or an erection (to be specific) the court system or society will be very quick to clarify & confirm that this response to SA is in no way reflective of the victims pleasure at the time of attack. The same courtesy is not afforded to female victims. Which not only says much about our societies misogynistic & homophobic culture but our need to ensure that male biology is given clarity, nuance & understanding, and a woman’s is not.

[@zionbrink513]

I will always appreciate how well your video essays flow. After years of reading sociology and anthropology in university. Essay flow is an extremely underrated skill

[@TeeNoir]

I really appreciate this

[@mewmew6158]

The red fro looks INCREDIBLE on you! This video resonates so much with the things I've noticed around me. All the women in my life operate on myths that are disproved, fear, and shame around their bodies. It breaks my heart each time my mom made negative comments about body hair, as if she doesn't work in the medical field. Hair isn't bad, it just is! It sucks that this isn't just bodies either, the shame about mental health and neurotypes is so real.

[@jensendsflowers]

Separating the V from any nonseggsual function... come thru Professor Tee Noir!!!!

[@TeeNoir]

Hahahaha

[@h.r.preston5416]

I’D LOVE A SIGNED COPY!!!! I’m teaching a class on healthy relationships to high school students next semester and would be over the moon if I could share this book with them. I mean I’ll get it regardless but a signed copy would be awesome! I love how you thank us for watching the entire video, because I watch til the end every time. Your videos have always been so informative and eye opening, and I appreciated you sharing your conversation with Dr. Lincoln! But yes I’ve had my own repulsion towards vaginas in general. I remember when folks would upload their panties to show a lack of discharge. And I’d be afraid of having any myself. So cheers to you for finishing this much-needed series. And cheers to our collective unlearning of ignorance and hatred toward a body part that deserves nothing but love!❤

[@birdylovesyou5667]

I remember when I first had sex with my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had a cyst on my labia and didn’t know it. My husband didn’t say anything and so a few weeks go by and me and him are talking and he just curiously asked “what is the bump on your labia ?” And I got so embarrassed and I was like “what are you talking about ?” So I ran to go see and I had saw the cyst. So I asked my husband why didn’t he tell me about it sooner and his response was “ I trust you that it wasn’t a STD and something that wasn’t a big deal. It’s just a bump” and at that moment I had a little relief that a man wasn’t judging me for not having a “perfect” vagina

[@wolfchild9998]

What a sweet man! I really hope you two are very happy! Most men are very accepting and non-judgemental about women’s bodies it’s just a shame that the few who do have fantasy level expectations seem to scream the loudest and wash out everyone else!

[@FishDinners]

Its sad how much the bare minimum means to us.

[@samsprague3158]

@@FishDinners doesn’t sound like the bare minimum to me. He went out of his way to be polite about it even though it could have been something that affected his health. Can we let this woman express appreciation for her partner without making it “sad” and completely diminishing his love and goodness?

[@FishDinners]

@@samsprague3158 I mean it was nice of him, but if we were in his position, we would all do the same. I think most people would do the same, so that he did give her basic respect and trust shouldn't be something to weep with joy about, our expectations should be greater than that.

[@h33-q8w]

I had a partner help me try to "pop" or squeeze out a bump or two down there. Ingrown hairs I think. Those are the kind of partners you want to have. 🤞😉

[@alicezta12]

I was fairly free love from my early twenties to now. At 28 I’m deciding that I’m looking out for a man who I have a deep mental connection with. I find myself wanting a man who wants to know about me outside of just my body. I don’t want to feel like just a hole to someone, as crude as that is. I’m tired of not having a connection with the men I’m inviting into my bed. I’m a softie and crave an emotional connection. Also, Dr. Lincoln!! I was so happy to see her pop up she is so good about making ppl feel good about their vageens

[@Boahemaa]

Men are not the only ones who fantasize about women. You can find yourself attractive independent of the male gaze. I disagree with the notion that refusing to cater to the male gaze can only be done to adhere to a male fantasy. Men fantasize about everything that does not mean all women's actions are to cater to this fantasy. Sometimes we're really just minding our business.

[@mayusoma]

Fa real cause being a woman is naturally sexy//creative//fertile these words feel interchangeable they just describe something that we can express naturally without trying 222 make it about somebody else ❤

[@oliviaaugust3291]

ideally this would be true, but the point of that quote is not to say that women are intentionally catering to a fantasy, rather that we subconsciously frame a lot of our actions and thoughts through the lens of the patriarchy and internal misogyny. it is trying to demonstrate the pervasiveness of the patriarchy and how it has penetrated all aspects of women's lives. our very concept of attractiveness, as you mention, is based on societal standards (created by men) which oppress women. whether our ideas of attractiveness are unlearnable/able to be separated from the male gaze is a whole other discussion.

[@austincde]

@@oliviaaugust3291 Billie Eilish before and after she turned 18 (for example) it's inescapable

[@andryiad9467]

@@oliviaaugust3291 very well said!

[@tylerbalazic4592]

Men will sexualize lesbians, if explicitly saying you would never have sex with them doesn’t stop the male gaze nothing will.

[@hypocreale]

Vulva revulsion as a broader concept was never more apparent to me than when I saw a group of cis women talking about how they never read sapphic erotica because the parts involved were 'gross' or 'disgusting.' Not 'it doesn't really do anything for me' or 'I find the concept horrifying' or w/e, but 'the parts are gross,' like it wasn't a part of their own body. This was-- at least fifteen? Ish? Years ago? And I still see echoes of it with disturbing frequency.

[@littlewillow2274]

Yeah, okay. As if the vulva is the most pleasant thing on earth.

[@hypocreale]

​@@littlewillow2274 lmao yes congratulations, that is exactly what I said, good job, reading comp gets an A+. Or maybe you should reread and not fling compulsive remarks into the ether, you're at risk of proving someone's point for them. 👀

[@littlewillow2274]

@@hypocreale I thought the whole point of your comment was to complain about people finding vulvas gross, bozo.

[@DrBitchcraft.]

@@littlewillow2274 I guess you don't know the word "sapphic"?

[@littlewillow2274]

@@DrBitchcraft. Yes, I do. My point still stands.

[@pinkmenace2452]

thank you for talking about the clumsiness and imperfections that come with exploring your sexuality! i feel so much pressure to be this perfect sexual being for the men that i have sex with that it really ruins the experience for me and makes me not want to do it even though i’m not at all interested in abstinence or purity culture.

[@TeeNoir]

Absolutely! When I stopped trying to impress rap lyrics and just be in the moment, my relationship with my sexually changed for the best.

[@leanqueen4059]

I dealt with a man that always told me (not asked) to make sure my pom pom smelled like flowers and was bald. My insecurities at the time had me listen to him. Needless to say it lead to so many unnecessary issues.

[@EayuProuxm]

Social medias's fixation with spirituality... their pseudo-fixation with spirituality Thank you for the fix.

[@jaxj968]

yes 👏 😂

[@user-hp5cf5kf8k]

This might be unrelated and I love chlöe and she's such a talented vocalist and artist in general but I definitely understand all the people that want her to continue with the alternative r&b sound that made her and her sister famous as a duo. have mercy and treat me were catchy but we all know she could do better.

[@AM-AnitaM]

Agree. They are marketing her to be more consumable. Watering down that beautiful talent to some palatable radio tunes for simpletons.

[@edithputhy4948]

What she did before wasn't charting like her current stuff tho

[@suki9268]

odd discussion to have regarding the topic of the video lol

[@Altup1]

Surprise is her best solo song imho.

[@AGEE_95]

@@suki9268 tbh the other discussion, regarding her sexuality, is the more ignorant and irrelevant one. The conversation around Chloe should be about her music, and not whether or not she is authentic in her sexual expression, because we have no way of knowing that she’s not. It’s a pointless discussion to have, because all it is is speculation and baseless assumptions.

[@ShadowMor00]

I'm a lil late but I'm here! I think one of the MAIN problems with vaginal repulsion is the fact the so few people understand how a vagina is supposed to work. There are billions of people that believe that having a hymen is synonymous with virginity. Not to mention that unfaithful men can cause vaginal odor in their female partners.

[@annemcculloh9572]

I’ve been waiting for this video! Just gotta say, I’m loving the gorgeous copper tones with your makeup and top! You look radiant with this warm autumnal palette. Thanks for the wonderful content as always ❤

[@TeeNoir]

Thank you so much!!

[@Avosmari]

I love the way you worded this compliment ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[@letstlk]

My first time landing on your content but i gotta say this,your voice,your energy is hypnotising .... you don't even know the power you possess never let anyone take that from you.

[@TeeNoir]

Such kind words, thank you 🤎

[@jjpopesupremacy8762]

Mother coming to eat!

[@tresvegan3633]

Vaginal repulsion is a phrase I am mentally saving in my file folders because it will be used in this world that we live in unfortunately. I can remember times when I would literally be sick at work or at school, and people would be worried about how I smelled. Even coming from the gym, I have had “friends” comment on my body odor like I just didn’t finish being active. It’s truly amazing and I could go on and on with stories like this. I think it’s even more pervasive when you are overweight or obese. My weight fluctuates and has my entire life. When I am heavier, I can clearly see the difference of how people treat me, my appearance, etc. versus how I am treated when I am smaller. It’s truly sickening and takes a lot to unlearn the hate we have for natural bodily and vaginal smells 🤦🏽‍♀️💔

[@drodlaren]

This was healing! Like a big sister I never had giving me a pep talk of sorts. Thank you for being so open and eloquently putting down thoughts I have had or not yet formed. And so nuanced, no drama!

[@jupitergonewild4933]

I love discussions like this it helps me get through my busy workdays. 🔥

[@fee6631]

ok but your eyeshadow is so perfectly blended i can’t stop looking at your eyes

[@no-one00]

It happens in a marriage and in my Nigerian community they shamed a woman who was married three times and divorcing in two years and then 6 months and then again 9months. But they never shamed those men? And they were actively dating and even marrying women as well!

[@jamelahallsdyer]

Lmao

[@Sam-ow9zp]

the quote about male fantasies is so real. even as a lesbian, i catch myself wondering if i am attractive to men still.

[@Tionaintown876]

I had a woah phase (thanks mom for the lack of boundaries) and it did not help me figure out what I liked because guys don’t care about your pleasure

[@MsElizaRae]

That's a big one. People should talk about researching more and just figuring yourself out. Sex isn't just physical it's mental and emotional too...which she kinda didn't touch on now that I'm thinkin bout it..

[@arnoldd9664]

Jesus Christ

[@1chienandalou]

I find men quite into giving pleasure. It seems their focus sexually. That’s my experience anyway so this seems not all men at least

[@FishDinners]

I think one of my proudest achievements is finding the courage to tell a guy when I'm not enjoying it, and even calling it off halfway if it's not doing anything for me.

[@samsprague3158]

@@FishDinners that’s the way, good for you.

[@elmfao1824]

This is why I, as an ace, always recommend allosexual (non-asexual) people read literature by us. People often say it helps them unpack what they *actually* want versus what has been sold to them, especially so from often hypersexualized groups.

[@greenbeanmill]

Ooh do you have recommendations? I think it would be very interesting to read and maybe recommend to other people, since I often find myself struggling to find words to comfort people who are having problems with their sexuality/drive/body vs. societal expectations (beyond "everybody's different and likes different things", which is true but often feels way too broad to be helpful).

[@elmfao1824]

@@greenbeanmill Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture, and Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality are three books I find allosexuals gain a lot from.

[@greenbeanmill]

@@elmfao1824 thank you ill check them out!

[@imParisthoee]

why say allosexual or non-asexual instead of sexual? non-asexual is very redundant considering the prefix “a” already modifies the root word “sexual”.

[@elmfao1824]

@@imParisthoee I used (non-asexual) in parentheses as clarification because most people do not know the terminology so simply saying "allosexual" would cause additional confusion. I am not the one that created the terms, they have existed for a while, but allo- as a prefix is used as the opposite of auto- throughout scientific fields. The modern understanding of human asexuality originally began with terms like "autoerotic" or "autosexual". So etymologically, allosexual works as the opposite of asexual. Referring to allos simply as "sexual" also continues a common misconception about asexuals, that we are all averse to sex acts, which is untrue. We can be sexual, we just don't necessarily experience sexual attraction. Terms typically have an antonym to describe the opposite phenomenon, especially when it comes to people as implying some people are more natural or normal gets pretty messy.

[@rooboatdeer22yu51]

I literally learned something about my pom pom and it rocked my world and I realized I was more interested in really knowing every part of me more than I've ever been as an adult. Also I really appreciate your videos and presence in gen

[@rooboatdeer22yu51]

Deprogramming not caring about my myself

[@danielcody874]

It is wild how the argument was men objectifying women, now we have a generation of women doing it to themselves. Its fascinating

[@shonnayvette7750]

Watching this video gave me so many flashback of the ignorant things men have said to me. Especially the vagina repulsion part had a guy tell me that my vagina didn’t look like a virgin and I was indeed a virgin like what a virgin vagina supposed to look like?🙄

[@nileriver1632]

he probably didn’t even know wtf he was talking about

[@dollynina8992]

He meant that it didn't look like a child's vagina.

[@ForbsieLaLa]

As someone who suffers from hyperhidrosis and can be smelling a lil sweaty but I know the minute my va-j-j smells outside of normal. If after a week it persists I hit the doc because it could be because it got irritated and I simply need to get it back to some normalcy. I have had to stay away from most body washes with any scents, including soaps. Stay away from irritating fabrics so once it's gonna be on for over an hr it has to be cotton. And once I am home and off my period I hardly even wear underwear...I am a freeballer... fresh air always

[@oprincesslivie02]

I’m a free baller too. I remember making fun of my nana for doing the same but who wants to wear panties in their own house???😆

[@jasminemoon9965]

What kind of soap do you I have been struggling?

[@sundewrb]

thank you for this video!! For me, this brought up questions around "catching feelings", how people (women specifically) are seen as weak or foolish for developing romantic feelings for a casual sex partner. I've always thought this makes het sex sound oppositional, and is a way of criticizing women for something that has historically been seen as feminine. It makes me think about which gender's approach to sex we venerate in society-- it seems like an extension of the phenomena surrounding women entering the workforce in droves. Fashion silhouettes mimicked the male form (shoulder pads) and "real feminists" were the ones that did business like men, wanted to be in male-dominated professions, etc. Doesn't this inadvertently just legitimize and uplift the "manly" way of doing things, just like the expectation to treat men like sexual objects and remain emotionally untethered uplifts the sex we've celebrated men having?

[@blubehriluv]

full circle hunny

[@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18]

I've been saying this for a while now. Why people have to make being in a relationship out to be an ego thing? Where's the love? And why is it seen as bad? Why are you a white Knight, simp, simd, munch, not a "bad girl" & WHATEVER the hell else for liking someone? For falling in love? And why is love such a bad word? It is weird. I think people are so used to having bad relationships that any move to make relationships better is seen as some evil. A big move for lust rather than love is going on. 🤔 Or maybe it is just the void of anything beside interest in an action alone.

[@paprika7930]

Wow. Exactly 👏🏿

[@mariammiee]

@@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18 people who have consistently shitty relationships want to spread their misery to others and feel envy when they see a happy couple

[@M710Z]

Ohhhh this is a good one

[@johannesschutz780]

So because I'm a gay man I can't possibly add anything to this conversation that someone else couldn't say much better than me, but I'm just thinking that we should have some kind of boundaries as to how we express our sexuality so I'm not juding anyone who feels uncomfortable seeing a girl flaunting her sexuality in a music video. Frankly sometimes it makes me uncomfortable too but I realize that this feeling is about me and not about them and just turn off the video and move on. These boundaries are negotiated between women and I have no place in that discourse, but my point is that we maybe shouldn't hope to abandon these boundaries altogether ? I think it's utopic to think that we will ever live in a world that is completely free of judgement, we can only hope to deal with this judgement in a productive way

[@austincde]

That's definitely why sex Ed is so important! But some folks don't want that in schools, because shaming is so quick and inexpensive

[@TeeNoir]

Boundaries are subjective. I have to actively remind myself not to project my own onto others, just demand that the ones I set are respected.

[@jadesmith7983]

I understand what you're saying and I agree. Healthy societal boundaries as they relate to psychology and how certain imagery can negatively affect values should be explored.

[@transsexual_computer_faery]

hence discussions like this video. and your comment, among others. we gotta keep talking. forever. society is an ever-changing hyperobject

[@jewels3400]

Defining what is appropriate and what is not for society is very difficult. Maybe we could set tags on everything, and each individual could see that first so they could decide to watch it or not. The only wide spread censorship really needed is those that topics are inappropriate for children. But yet again that line is debatable and confusing. Like with anti-gayness, anti-mental health, and anti-critical race theory. I think teaching about these three things without any graphic imagery (that goes without saying) is good! I think that would be awesome! I learned about the Holocaust in middle school so why not CRT? However many people think otherwise. They make laws denying information from people because it's deemed inappropriate. Denying information is a slippery slope in my opinion. I just think it needs to be questioned on an individual basis, not a societal scale.

[@Catsheal]

That part about how a vagina being wet is used and has been used in court to prove that the woman/person with a vagina wasn’t assaulted hit home. My ex would constantly tell me I clearly liked it because of my body’s response. Even if I told him to stop and I didn’t like it. Men use that against us so often it’s such a difficult thing

[@byDEVITA]

Person with vagina? Only women have vagina

[@tlowery2074]

fun fact i have a dap and have never received a single complaint about it - lube is your friend! and my gyno told me it's perfectly normal and healthy to not have a wap for anyone else who does not or is wondering :)

[@aviona123]

can we talk about the male obsession with squirting? like i felt crazy because i can't do something like that to express "coming" ... am i the only one

[@magaaliii]

Another unrealistic standard set by porn which unfortunately is where a lot of people get their ideas about sex 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@aviona123]

real talk tho.. its just pee isnt it ☠️

[@Misstressofdons]

@@aviona123 it's a real thing. But people shouldn't feel compelled to do it or anxious if they don't. It's a male obsession and it's really annoying. Sometimes I don't fancy doing that, I didn't put down a towel or I feel mega full from dinner. But some men dgaf. They want to make you squirt 🙄

[@danispriggs7818]

@@aviona123 I think so

[@gamingmama360]

@@aviona123 I think it has to be. A clitoris doesn’t have any kind of hole so nothing is going to come out of that 😊. A vagina is too large in diameter to actually squirt something out in that manner and it is farther from the clitoris and not really pointed in the right direction- so that just leaves the urethra which is closer to the clitoris anyway and the only thing that should be coming out of that is pee.

[@eloiselloyd3979]

Your thoughtful take on these topics were really nice to hear. Particularly enjoyed the caution against viewing sexual exploration (and one predominant type of it at that) as a do-or-die act of liberation. As someone who’s ace, though exploring my sexuality certainly has been a journey, it’s beyond tiring to hear from society that I don’t really understand myself and I’m not truly LIVING just because I don’t experience attraction (and therefore don’t date etc in the way allosexuals do). I wish our discussions broadly were more like this video, that is, keeping in mind that understand and exploring yourself is a broad multi-faceted thing that looks very different for everyone. But ultimately it is about self-discovery, not what others think self-discovery should look like.

[@maayanabutbul5976]

People will always create a grossly simplified narratives on what experiences you should have and how you should have them. Or maybe it isn't that we created them but there was a creator, that gave them on to us, and we did all the work by perpetuating it. I believe I'm an ace too, but for the longest time because of this imposed narrative, I just classified myself as straight, but because of my aceness I was too weird to be straight, learning about the possibility that there was something else that felt right to me, asexuality, made me make the choices I really wanted to make and be honest with myself

[@EleiyaUmei]

As an ace, I relate so much to the experiences of both of you! The way society makes us doubt ourselves, our experiences, our perceptions of ourselves and our bodies can be so draining and damage our self-confidence.

[@Friday13420]

I wanna cry cause this video is very much needed. When it comes to the v stretching I got a whole rant about that and personal experiences and also the personal lubricant thing I can rant about too!! I really enjoyed this video. Thank you.

[@debbieomi]

Probably tmi but a former lover and I experimented A LOT with stretching over four years. Lovers after him never mentioned a word and if I ever broached the subject, they were surprised because they said my stuff was so tight. However, 20 years after that 4-years, I do suffer from some urinary tract issues that also affect my bladder and kidneys. No idea if that is related but I do wonder.

[@too1508]

V can stretch and remain stretched/their elasticity can change. Its like ofcourse never say never and that it can never or doesn't happen because it does. But there's probability and possibility. Sure it's possible but how probable? So for example not so probable that sex esp with the avg penis will stretch anyone out permanently. Even with bigger ones it likely isn't probable. Now the reason why things like birth are more likely too is because it's more at play in the body. But yeah its a muscle, theyre resilient and using it is good for it, but they're also not invincible is all.

[@too1508]

@da midwif wtf you can't read?

[@too1508]

@da midwif oh boohoo, they do say the truth hurts. How dumb do you have to be to think the vagina like any other muscle can't take damage or get weak at some point? Too many studies and what not out there to be so aloof about these things. I hope you really aint a midwife 🥱

[@LunaWitcherArt]

I'm very lucky that my husband does not make me feel bad (and does not take it personally as well) with my usual lack of lubrication. It's most likely a side effect of my birth control, but I lost my health insurance before my doctor could confirm it, so I've just been... Like that to this day lol. More people should be understanding like that, both with their partners and themselves. I personally take birth control because it cuts my period, I lose too much blood having it regularly so it was best to just stop having it, sooo this could affect my lesbian pals as well and that's why everyone needs to be more understanding with this subject.

[@billcipher_w]

I'm a trans guy and my vaginal repulsion was THE biggest femininity-related battle I had growing up. The reason for that: i had to untangle the socially enforced repulsion from the dysphoria before i could tackle either one. Until i got my period and was forced to, I barely even conceptualized what i had going on down there because i was straight up afraid of it.

[@scarletsletter4466]

Phenomenal video! Usually I have a lot to say on this type of vid, but tbh this is golden from start to finish. The doctor was also articulate & insightful. In healthcare we frequently see infections & irritation caused by unnecessary "hygiene" products & rituals. It's not only consumer products you'd find in a drugstore, but also bizarre "spiritual" & "holistic" items. Ladies, please don't rub tea tree oil or epilatory creams like Nair on 🐱 !! Working in a state hospital I saw chemical burns u wouldn't believe, young girls nearly burn off their 🐱!

[@minirth.maggie]

The first time i saw the words "arousal doesnt equal consent", it was legit traumatic. Coming up in the late 80s, i find today's conversations about consent both mind-blowing and heartbreaking. I wish the world had been different for me and my age group. As soon as you were no longer a virgin, you lost all value, to men, to your parents, and ultimately, often to yourself because the whole world was telling you that you were no longer worthy of protection, safety, or love.

[@JothanGurr]

Thank you for jumping on this complex topic. It definitely needs the conversation and your thoughts on matter are so incisive

[@ogskullomania3119]

Your Afro looks so amazing

[@emmydaniel25]

This video was very enlightening! As someone who garners a lot of shame and avoidance in regards to this topic, I always like seeing such informative and nuanced discussions. Despite being 20 I have virtually no experience whatsoever. As a result I often feel unworthy in relationships and "behind everyone." However the talk about awkwardness even at 25 made me feel significantly better. I feel like ppl often forget that there are ppl who are Asexual or have low drive and then still have super high expectations. I find this leads to miscommunications during sex and even being SA'd like in my case. Overall, this was a great video. Thank you for always providing us with great thought provoking discussions 💕💕

[@irmamelkumian1074]

This was ~50 minutes of pure perfection 💗

[@AM-AnitaM]

Right?! We need more!

[@freddyP300]

The conversation of smell was very interesting to me and really brought up a basic question that I guess I don’t understand as someone who primarily partners men. Do people not like the natural smell? Like I know in many gay spaces natural smell is celebrated because it smells good and attractive to us, so I guess I always assumed that was also the case for everyone.

[@babiegen]

The Lysol douche sounds deadly 😮😂enjoyed this 🤗

[@snowpocalypse69]

It really was, women were getting chemical burns in their pussies 😭

[@selenadesanti4920]

Wow this interview about “feminine hygiene”is everything!! You asked great questions and the author responded in a way that really resonated. Will definitely pickup the book!

[@AprilJayne]

This made me feel called out in a way that actually hurts my feelings because my younger self wasn’t taught a certain acceptance of exploring and understanding sexuality. It’s something I’ve grown from but it hurts for her, ya know. And other young women going through this in this society

[@eerielili]

I really love that you talked about vaginal lubrication in regards to SA. That's something I rarely hear talked about and I just feel thankful that you shared this knowledge. ❤️❤️

[@raechen879]

The fact alone that there is a New video makes it a great evening

[@jessinthecomments]

It’s not even until they turn 21, in the industry they start becoming sex kittens at 18 and I know for me, I wasn’t that at 18 or even 21.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

It’s even before that. 16 is when they dabble, but 18 is when they go hard core

[@WhoElseWillIHaveIceCreamWith]

at this day and age, it starts at 12 or 13. Wasn't Danille Bregoli aka Bhad Bhaby just 13 when she aired on Dr.Phil in a super push up bra and a tank top with a stripper pole in her room?

[@nhlaxxx]

I'll never forget watching a video of chloe and halle bloopers from their KZbin channel. They couldn't have been older than 12 and her moms was on her about dressing too grown (indirect quote). So when Chloe says she is the most herself I believe her and respect that ❤

[@RayanNamii]

I don't have anything else meaningful to add to this conversation except this little piece of my own lived experience: i am really glad that i have gotten to the point with my boyfriend where he doesn't care at all about the situation going on down stairs. For the first almost two years of our relationship i didn't let him anywhere near my downstairs because i thought it was too weird looking and too hairy, but now, 4 years in, neither of us give a dang. He will go down on me even if i haven't shaved in a month, if i'm on my period and, a bit off topic, but he's even sent me discharge memes. I just love this guy so much and really hope that other guys our age are as good on this topic as he is.

[@TarynBell]

I hated how hard everyone was on Chloe: I could tell she was just trying to figure it out. It came out looking like soft core porn, yes. But aren’t we all just trying to figure it out?

[@alexaf7400]

I think all of us are trying to figure things out sexually or not and I like Chloe too. Her sexuality doesn’t matter to me but I don’t think it’s necessary for artists to record themselves making soft core p videos to announce in a way how they feel sexually to the public if it’s their personal experience.

[@niyaburke2692]

​@@alexaf7400even so, it's also not necessary to watch. Now if she likes being sexual and enjoys being looked at, and the attention is gratifying. That's fine. But you don't have to consume it. So I don't understand the condemnation for her doing this when the option to just scroll or not watch her music videos is always there.

[@dolldamia6204]

Speaking of wap. I was talking to some friends about some lube I got and one of them said "wait are you not naturally???..." and it put me in a weird spot. Whether I am or not doesn't matter anyway, lube makes everything better. I also talked to quite a few friends about difficult it is for me, but the responses were strange. They talked about their orgasms and when they described them I was confused because it always seemed like they've never actually orgasmed before. Through a few private conversations with them I found out I was right. Most of them were lying about orgasms and how easy it was, then was the next question, why were they all lying to eachother when they all felt the same way? Why did I feel like the odd one out when the reality was that I was being honest and having more fun doing it? For once I'm glad my neurodivergency turns off my filter because I can talk very openly about this, especially with my girlfriend but of course I'm not free from being damaged by the warped ideas spread about women's sexuality

[@mswamp_1826]

I totally agree. I think its the same with orgasms. My friends also gave me weird and not understanding looks when I said that I like to masturbate even if I cant reach an orgasm. They dismissed me and questioned why I would do it if I cant reach orgasm. This is also a similarly outdated idea like that of lubrication. That you do it to get an achievement that makes you better or more good at it than other people because you can do ✨️it✨️ . Like, no its a part of self care, it is an act of self love through the love language of touch, it is a way of getting to know myself more while also honoring my consent. It is so much more than just an achievement to cross of your bucket list.

[@wildmarjoramdieselpunk6396]

@@mswamp_1826I think sexuality is so much more vast than most people think it is. There are also lubes with flavor or heating/cooling elements as well. Do what makes you happy!

[@jayymorris5285]

I did not realize how deep this ran until that interview. Oh my gosh.

[@AM-AnitaM]

Tee darling, utter brilliance as always 👏🏾. Only complaint is an hour of your time seems to never be enough. Well done!

[@JulietteHelene]

Regarding natural lubrication - I cannot tell you how awful it is to be shamed for using lube or being perceived as being “dry” 😅 Lube just makes every sensation feels so much better. It’s ridiculous that I’ve been shamed by sexual partners for choosing to use lube simply because I find it more enjoyable

[@countesscrows]

a former classmate (self identified feminist) told me that using lube was a way of forcing yourself to obtain male approval 🫠 can you imagine

[@moreafterthistime]

I don’t mean to idolize you but I completely adore you. You are near perfection to me. From you acknowledging the contradictions to you having empathy for participants to you realizing why the current wave is necessary. I thirst for your content no cap. I wish more people spoke this way, thought this way, critiqued in this way.

[@heidigrace7259]

I know it's anecdotal since it's just my own personal experience but having been married (and now divorced) much too young inside of fundamentalist purity culture, I know I wasn't okay with living my perhaps single human experience never taking ownership of my sexuality. It became imperative to go on my own journey. What a thoughtful video!