The "ideal partner" according to research & why it might not matter

[@AnaPsychology]

I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

[@EzraMable]

I read something on Twitter along the lines of, "Think of your ideal partner. Now, ask yourself if that is just a better version of yourself that you want to be." That resonated with me a bit. As for actual interests, those have been all over the place.

[@ifwrainbow190]

Genuine question, If I think of my ideal partner and notice that I just want a better version of myself then what does that mean, cus it doesn't really change what my ideal partner is, I still want that better version of myself?

[@EzraMable]

@ifwrainbow I have no background in this. But... 🤡 I would guess that you have standards for yourself that you expect your partner to also have. It has been a few days since I watched the video. There is something about how opposites don't really attract. So, it makes sense that those ideals would line up. It might help to revisit the video.

[@SemekiIzuio]

Ive always belived in this because i would see around me and did not like the culture and environment i was in, in which fostered similar valued people. I am picky as hell as well with high standards. Although i do not seek a partner necessarily, i do seek similar better then me people to develop and grow further. I am self aware i am currently not where i wish to be and i am working to achieving my desired self. I expect to meet other people with higher standards once i reach high standards for myself. Now what does high standards mean, it depends on the person, to me is to simply have the same good moral and values i have with similar process thinking but different identity to fuel curiosity and interest. I do not want to same but i do seek people with more initiative

[@exosproudmamabear558]

My ideal partner has nothing to do with me. People must be hella narcisist if they think like that. My ideal partner usually is male version of my mother. Call it eudipius sendrome but my mom is the nicest person I ever met so I chose her rather than my dad or myself

[@Aster_Risk]

@@exosproudmamabear558 Thinking about yourself isn't narcissistic. That word is being overused. Also, you still want a partner who reminds you of your mother. That's still about you, which is no different.

[@lalakuma9]

I used to obsess about ideal partner traits, but ultimately if you're looking for a life partner, it all comes down to finding 1) someone you can stand interacting with every day and living with even through hardships, 2) someone you can trust with your life, and 3) those things should be mutual.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I can say that I’d prefer to live alone. I can’t trust people anymore and it’s exhausting anyway. I always wanted a fairytale love but after a breakup I really don’t believe in it anymore. Maybe some day but at this time it’s just not for me.

[@Josh-dp6iu]

Good conflict resolution skills is a good one: the ability to have an argument, fix the issue, and move on is an underrated trait.

[@twentyonetortas5921]

What about trust with your heart and not just life?

[@Matty002]

@@MyDuckSaysFucc i mean it was never real to begin with. thats why theyre called fairy tales, as in made up. definitely become familiar with realistic expectations and how relationships are supposed to work before getting into the next one, and good luck

[@luka1049]

So many people get stuck chasing that instant spark and miss out on the practical side of being in a relationship.

[@bones1active]

Something someone told me about dating that most people don’t realize “dating is 80% friendship and 20% romance/sex. At the end of the day you’re hanging out with your friend”

[@sukiashwa3360]

Woah love this

[@alexpotts6520]

And that's when you're young. When you've grown old together, it's even more slanted towards friendship (possibly 100% in some cases).

[@Portia620]

I don’t sleep with my friends!!! 😂. Like now I want a refund!

[@JuniperGal-ek2pu]

What if you romance with ur friends? 😂

[@aidantuckwell9191]

Which is also why the sexual side of things is so important, it's what makes it not just friends.

[@richsadowsky8580]

At age 60, my ideal partner is the girl I met as a teenager and dated initially for 4 years from 16 to age 20. We went our separate ways and got married to other people. My first wife passed away and my high school sweetheart was also single. We reconnected after 22 years. We've been together 17 years since then. It is good to be with a person who grew up with you and helped you discover love. We both love music, love singing, and love humor. We help each other through whatever challenges come our way. Each of us have adult children from the first marriages and now we have a big extended happy family. We both love dogs and living adjacent to a state forest in the beautiful town of Sturbridge, MA, just 35 miles from the town we grew up together in. At times during our teenage years we weren't always nice to each other, as I was still a teenage boy and not particularly mature. The experience falling in love and raising a daughter with my first wife who was terminally ill made me realize that every second not being nice and loving is time wasted. That maturity I lacked was now established. I am a lucky man as I have had two wonderful women as partners. It is comfortable and easy to be with my high school sweeting even as we enter into our 6th decade of life. I have always found her very attractive and desirable. We both attempt to maintain our appearance, sense of humor. love of dogs, music, and our southern New England home. I moved 3000 miles from the west coast with a teenage daughter to be with her. I will now watch the rest of your video Ana. FWIW, she is introverted and I am extroverted, and we are not alike in every way. I look for win-win partnerships in life and business where we bring complementary attributes. I don't need another me, I need another perspective informed by similar values and upbringing.

[@oakson3045]

That's beautiful, I'm glad the both of you reconnected.

[@rameau1124]

So blessed..!!

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

My mom and stepdad have a similar story, so happy you got to be together again and enjoy life together how wonderful

[@NickRaeff]

“… every second not being nice and loving is time wasted. … I don’t need another me, I need another perspective informed by similar values and upbringing.”

[@Wishfull171]

@@NickRaeff my fave excerpts from this

[@baileybayer9462]

"When someone really likes you, they are going to overlook your flaws. When someone loves another person, they adjust their expectations down". Beautifully stated. I needed to hear this today. Thank you for your efforts

[@AmyFerguson]

Relationships come through living (and feeling) them, not through thinking them. This has and continues to be a hard lesson for me.

[@sakuraesther6309]

But then how do you choose someone??? What about redflags wont you think abiut them or will you wait until you have an STD to know than an unloyal partner is not ideal??

[@AmyFerguson]

​@@sakuraesther6309 I think the problem comes when I have a list in my head of what I need and then I disregard looking at what is actually happening at the moment in the living. I stick with preconceived and don't update on the fly. That takes time and it means taking things slowly. Slowly but it has to move consistently. Relationships are improv, not a written piece. You change, they change along the way. You are no longer the person that made the list. You have to stay open and curious. You have to keep in contact with how things make you feel. Do you like the thing that you are building between the two of you, not just the person they are? There's you, there's them, and then there's this thing built with both of you and they are all in constant flux.

[@AmyFerguson]

@@sakuraesther6309 I also have this idea that all the relationships you have are basically the same but with different depth levels, different closeness, and its all a push/pull sort of thing. You connect with something, that's a pull. Something feels off that's a push. Want to get better at romantic relationships (the closest level), get better at the upper levels first.

[@acemoto6232]

@@AmyFerguson thank you for saying this. I have been struggling the past decade with dating and this unlocked a memory for me

[@JJ-id3wc]

@AmyFerguson that was such a helpful analysis thank you

[@miguelconamor6687]

My ideal partner would 1. have a similar ethical philosophy/moral code to my own, 2. have near-universal humor seeing as I laugh at almost anything, 3. have similar love languages to my own, 4. be committed to improving themselves everyday and grow as a person, and lastly, just to make it a smooth top 5 list, 5. my ideal partner would know their own self-worth/personal value

[@marciavox8105]

What a great list!

[@miguelconamor6687]

@@marciavox8105 thank you so much☺️

[@mpro9446]

This is so perfectly said

[@jJust_NO_]

too much. lol.

[@miguelconamor6687]

@@jJust_NO_ perhaps😂I've been told by friends that I'm quote "picky"

[@juliankorb2848]

I feel like "adjusting your expectations" is seen as too negative sometimes. Its a part of growing up. I'm not talking about toxic relationships. I'm talking about how you can be happy with a partner who is neither rich nor a professional model ;)

[@samantarizzi248]

My thoughts exactly. Being realistic without being unhappy on a relationship. If you are not perfect and have your flaws, why demand perfection from somebody else? But you definitely need to have chemistry, one way or another.

[@sakuraesther6309]

@@samantarizzi248 Problem comes in when different people have different definitions of imperfections and flaws . Like for instance one may say they are imperfect as thwy are always disloyal ,do you want that even as an imperfect person? What about an unhygenic person ,fo you want that as an imperfect person ?? What about one who does not take finances seriously??? I think imperfections can also be subjective

[@DecemberDaydreams]

o.o

[@matilda4406]

@@DecemberDaydreams O,O

[@Blox117]

@@samantarizzi248 its called being ♀. they are all delusional

[@ShizukaAoki]

I think there has to be a "sweet spot" where the "ideal person" has to be both similar to you in all the good ways, yet different enough from you that you can balance each other's negative points ("better" than you). these values would be different for everyone i think.

[@yogeshwaran1856]

Yep this is it. My partner shares the same moral values as me, has similar sense of humor, etc. while also having different hobbies and interests and life experiences that make them more interesting.

[@ZaneFowler]

I agree. The last person I fell for deeply was "better" than me in many ways. I came to appreciate that and see its importance.

[@Y2Kikii]

100% this. With my fiance we have same value and morals and sense of humor. But we have different interest and strengths and weakness that compliment each other. Its a great balance !

[@TheSpecialJ11]

Complimentary. Like cookies and cream. Both sweet and delectable, but one's, well, creamy, and the other's crackery and a little bittersweet. Or pizza and wings. Or a burger and fries. You see what I mean.

[@aq1sw2qas3qd]

1. someone i can live quietly with 2. has a backbone 3. desires a simple life 4. is handy 5. works on themselves

[@m2pozad]

I should apply for this opening.

[@RafaelR-F]

what does it mean to be handy?

[@defaultdefault812]

@@RafaelR-F knows how to build a house

[@vitoat123]

@@defaultdefault812 LOL

[@immers2410]

Hi Anna, are you in the UK?

[@jeremiahbok9028]

"We are inherently narcissistic people who enjoy people who are like us" so freaking true, I love your bluntness.

[@heraldo623]

I think that's what makes the relationship viable on long term.

[@yeoldeseamonster]

Number one most important trait is adaptability. If you want a whole life together, you will both go through changes and phases together. You have to be able to grow together.

[@clairekorte6048]

Wholeheartedly agree!

[@JoblessJoshua]

I pray to the Gods to allow me to find the love of my life so we can grow and build a life together, yet I'm still single

[@bluebutterfly5062]

I think you're right, Ana. We don't always know what we want. We adjust ourselves, or what we want, in order to satisfy the ppl around us. We often go off of our insecurities and short-term happiness than consistentancy.

[@checkitoutlove]

Ideal partner feels like a best friend. Speaks encouragingly freely shares their thoughts. Provide a zone to just be able to explore ideas. One that also gives me a lot of space to have my own time to work on my passions and hopefully they have their own passions as well. Where both of us value and appreciate the other for the ways they best contribute to the relationship and house hold duties

[@antbanks415]

Sounds like a friendzone

[@heavenseeker2320]

@@antbanks415most surviving long lasting relationship will alway have the partner become best friend after the passion have long die.

[@etcwhatever]

​@@antbanks415if youre glued at the hip with someone sexual desire goes out of the window. So OP is correct. Enough personal time + splitting tasks so both have energy to be sexual. I dont sleep with my friends, do you?

[@Tippitoezzz]

In my case, I had an ideal person before I met my bf of 3 years. He meets most of my core values and core standards but he didn’t have the same interests or hobbies as me. Before I met him, I wanted someone “just like Me” with the same exact hobbies. But I realized I actually preferred our difference because it was so cool to see we’ve made a fusion of our own interests. He teaches me about his favorite topics, and I talk to and teach him about mine. We’re very complimentary that way and now he takes more interest in my interest and I take more interest in his. For example, he’s more into economics and politics, while I’m more passionate about history, conspiracy theories and social sciences. When we talk, we combine the two topics and some how they align

[@Cece9090]

My current boyfriend and I are like your previous ideal partner and you. We grew up in similar household structures, similar area, with the same political and moral/ethical views but we are two different people. We have the same core values but different hobbies and outlooks on things (he's more pessimistic/realistic and I'm more optimistic/wishful) but we balance each other out so well. I've learned so much about cars from him and he's learned a lot about horses from me (whether he wants to or not haha). He keeps me updated on current politics and I give advice on personal finances, we just work well together. I'd say he is my ideal partner because he fully supports me but also challenges me in so many positive ways. I just hope to feel like I've returned the same feeling someday.

[@peshie3898]

for me an ideal partner would be someone who shares the same values that I do and we have a common understanding on how we build our relationship, 2. someone who is able to communicate effectively and most importantly someone who is willing to grow and learn themselves .

[@33Jenesis]

Don’t settle for Right Now from momentary loneliness or insecurity. Wrong person at the right time happens way more often. Looking back, when I was longing for marriage, it was mostly my inner issues, not from being a whole person seeking another whole person.

[@wulfsorenson8859]

Yep settling never works. You start to resent them after a while and the relationship breaks down.

[@Blox117]

fun fact: ♀cannot experience loneliness

[@wulfsorenson8859]

@@mackenzieusher8025 so do I which is why I’m still single 🤣

[@Bumpy-Man]

I love the work you put into this. You're not just rehashing medium articles on KZbin (which has its place) but you're using your intellectual access to scholarly materials to support your synthesis while making the ideas more accessible to laypeople. I love that you include meta-analysis and even examine the authors themselves for a deeper dive into the context informing their work. Inspiring!

[@Theendman42]

What I want in a partner: Personal Accountability, emotional openness, someone who wants to be with me but doesn't need to be with me. Compassionate, a sort of intelligence. And some similar interests so we have stuff we enjoy doing together.

[@biaibarrett]

One thing that doesn't get mentioned in the video but that I think might also contribute to the "adaptation" of expectations is that you might not know that you enjoy or value something until you experience it. So if you've never been in a relationship in which some of these needs were met before, you might not rate some characteristics as important, but once you do experience it you realize their value to you.

[@heraldo623]

Yes, desires change over time. That's why the core values is what matters, the ones which builds up their personality.

[@amoexanimo]

I think the problem with this research is that everything in relationships is weighed on a scale. You're probably not going to find someone who matches every single trait that you want. It's like a balancing act. What desirable traits do they have balanced against the negative? If it nets positive, you'll stay. Then you have to factor in that people lie about themselves and put their best foot forward early in the relationship. You might think you're ending up with someone who matches your ideals only to discover later in the relationship that they don't. Then sunken cost falls into place and keeps them there.

[@Theendman42]

This is true, and it's horrible. People are often fake. It's why I am open about my faults, so people at least know who I am. I like my good qualities and accept my shortcomings. And learn to change that which I can.

[@jadekelly5797]

I see a partner as the relationship you have with yourself, it doesn't matter, it should be based off the connection you have with them, how you simply just enjoy their presence, and there are standards, you want someone you're attracted to, not someone who forgets to wash their crusty underwear, someone who takes care of themselves, has passions, ambitions, you're in each others lives to bear witness and see how far they grow, and grow with you and they see you grow! I think people are too nit picky to an extent about how exactly their partner should be, I see a lot of people projecting their need for happiness onto their partner; but you're the only one in control of your happiness, you're the only one who makes yourself feel whole and love. A partner is an addition to your life, so if you enjoy them let em stay!

[@Blox117]

narcissist above

[@5plus9equals7]

@@Blox117 It's not narcissistic to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will have a harder time loving others. Loving others without first loving oneself is like constantly pouring water out of a cup for the thirsty people whom you love. How will you continue having water to give if you don't replenish your cup?

[@JuniperGal-ek2pu]

1. Someone I can connect with 2. Similar values and interests 3. Affectionate, loving 4. Beautiful in an out 5. Intelligent, hardworking

[@HazzyDeLux-]

Far as my experience, what Ana said is consistent, interests and hobbies are the least common denominator when setting up for deciding if someone is ideal or not, because when the important aspects come into play, then you really find out how much you agree on.

[@jontrollinski9692]

For me, I use this acronym for what I believe to be an ideal partner: SHAAK S-Space and time to bond H-Honesty plus some other characteristics that come to mind like humility, gratefulness, morality, etc A-A sense of humor A-A sense of ambition/motivation (either for my goals, their goals, or both) K-Kindness I’m sure there are other things that I may be missing. Although physical traits are a way in the door for me getting interested, the traits above matter more to me in the long run

[@Blox117]

BS appearance matters the most.

[@Lacter12]

@@Blox117 and?

[@anthropomorphicpeanut6160]

@@Blox117 you might be projecting

[@soleil2947]

Why is the acronym someone with a really thick South Boston accent saying the word "Shark"

[@Blox117]

@@anthropomorphicpeanut6160 nope, just stating ♀️ nature

[@slipknot95maggot]

Pre watch "my ideal partner": A time machine that can take me back to before I was a misanthrope. So, like three years old. In it's absence I have "settled" on befriending wildlife

[@SteelsCrow]

Your time and effort making this video shows. Your points are clear and unmistakable, you bring forth relevant information from the side without causing distraction, wisely anticipating the needs of your audience, adding your anecdotal experience near the end, and cat. It is intriguing to hear of dropping our ideals down to what we find.

[@Mozzarella-and-Tomato]

"In some ways it's better to get someone that is not exactly what you wanted, cause they challenge you. They help you grow into a better person" Such a good video!! Thanks for your work and words of wisdom

[@user-wm1oo4os7e]

Sometimes people aren't "convincing themselves that their partners are really what they want," they're adjusting their ideals based on real world experience. Sometimes we go into dating with certain ideals that turn out to have less importance in reality when you're actually in a relationship with a person. Some things also turn out to be more important than you realized

[@IamBrixTM]

This

[@hattiehall8939]

For fear of being a cliche, I think the love we think we deserve also factors into what kinds of relationships we’re comfortable being in.

[@Soul_Alpha]

Ana psychology is so pretty, just needed y'all to know that

[@yaniquewest455]

Agreed!

[@marybabe1394]

Beauty and brainz

[@cosmicsprings8690]

Stalker alert 🚨

[@Tyedyeshyguy]

She seems nice too😊

[@mehere1482]

@@RomyLogin literally 😭😭

[@BenjaminCronce]

I looked for a person that complimented me and that I could be around for long periods of time without being overly bored or annoyed. I married the first person I dated and been living with her over 20 years. We get along better and better over time. Constantly complimented by others about how cute we are together. Some combination of lucky and wise.

[@hey_its_autumnb2380]

My ideal partner is someone who understands my brain and loves it wholeheartedly. even if they don’t understand all parts, they’re constantly intrigued to know more. my ideal partner is someone who communicates effectively but isn’t soft, they can assert dominance in a respectful manner and is someone i feel comfortable being submissive to (not in a sexual manner). someone who is driven but put family and relationships first. someone who is always asking more out of life. someone who loves me and themselves unconditionally

[@sarahgrace3488]

1:45 - My ideal partner as of the beginning of this video is somebody who shows a baseline kindness and mostly healthy attitude when it comes to communication and relationships (even if there's room for improvement), as well as who broadly shares my values on life and politics, even if it's not an exact match. Somebody who has little to no illusions about the way that life can be while still holding onto that inner flame and hope. Somebody who can challenge me and themselves, who I can challenge in turn - who will equally see me for who I am and for who I am not, and who would willingly watch my favourite 50-episode C-drama that even a best friend of mine might flinch at. Somebody who will be as curious about me as I will be about them, who will tell me about their day, and be willing to compromise when my physical limitations may make ordinary life more complicated than anticipated.

[@rameau1124]

I’m aware of how much work is put into a presentation like this. Well done Ana! I like your topics and the youthful perspectives. An ideal is basically a fantasy - neither good nor bad - a template from which the reality will almost always differ - and may well be better for it.

[@sukij]

my ideal partner is empathetic, caring, smart, someone i can laugh with, has a sense of purpose and belonging, and can be open and intimate about anything w me. outdoorsy, clean, self reliant, and similar politics and worldview

[@baner2032]

Time ago I didn't like to think of my ideal partner, because I thought I would get disappointed of them once in a relationship. But once I figured out that it just would not be the right thing for a long term relationship, I started looking to the things I would like to see on them, then I realized it was just a better version of me. Just yesterday I asked myself if I'm the ideal partner for others and then started to planning on how to work on me, now I got recommended your channel and here I am. I got to the conclusion of how my ideal partner would be (Considering it in a realistic way): - Self-criticism: Basically see mistakes as a way to get feedback to improve on themselves. - Honesty: I don't care if the truth hurts sometimes, I'm looking for something genuine and someone I can rely on. - Similar sense of humor: I always laugh at really ridiculous things and it just feels awkward when someone doesn't get it. I can find all of this things on my really close friends but all of them are guys and I'm heterosexual so I guess I just have to go to meetings related to my hobbies and wait for the right person, or who knows, maybe she will appear when I least expect it :) Love ur videos btw

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

If I can offer one point of feedback it would be that harmony is incredibly valuable in a partner You might appreciate Someone who knows how to take feedback and who is honest and hopefully you have a relationship that is also loving, and positive for both of you. I know from my own experience dating someone honest and self critical while being the same we eventually ended up in a very negative and toxic dynamic where we were always pointing out eachothers flaws and it was super destructive My current partner is honest and takes feedback well but the way we talk to eachother is focused on building eachother up and helping eachother with the things that are hard not criticizing Hope you found this valuable and that you find your ideal partner soon ❤

[@Flikkey]

I am blown away by the way you presented this topic. Your talk is so thorough and considerate.

[@nunyabusiness164]

Romance isn't a job interview; there are so many things I find attractive about my boyfriend, but I never expected to fall for him... I thought I was 100% gay! Now we've been together for 7 months without really fighting or having any troubles. It's the first time I've been with someone who is a relief from stress. I feel like we can rely on each other when things get rough. We're a sure thing. The first thing I liked about him was his looks and I'll admit it. But then I found out that he's also funny, thoughtful, sweet, and he goes out of his way to help everyone he knows. Communication really is everything. Even when it's hard and embarrassing or whatever, I tell him what's on my mind so he knows exactly what I intend. We don't hold secret grudges. I promise not to be mad if he brings up a problem, he promises the same. If there's some little thing that bothers him, but it doesn't bother me, I say "well I don't get it, but I care about you so I care too." He does the same for me.

[@joshinaround7901]

That was my relationship but I was the guy. The girl broke it off with me due to not knowing what she wanted in a relationship. It let me confused and depressed. She loved me very much and so did I but still didn't know what she wanted. The world is crazy, isn't it? Haha

[@sin3358]

These analyses are very interesting because I've been on both sides, not liking my ideal type and then eventually ending with him. The thing that changed was my self confidence. I used to date emotionally unavailable men despite knowing that they were no good, and had the belief that opposited attract. Now, my boyfriend is literally my soulmate. We are both similar enough to find each other intruiging, and different enough in aspects that make our strength helpful for one another. He also matched my ideal man after I started working on my mental health. I'd say that the study that spoke about self confidence having to do with whom we end up dating is the link to this all

[@thebrinksf69]

Warmth is great in one partner, but doesn't guarantee a successful relationship if the other person is not warm and trustworthy. It would be better to say if both people are, then there's a great likelihood of success. I agree that people choose people based on their past inadequacies or traumas and just repeat previous mistakes based on love being mispresented by an authority figure. Agree for the reasons they stay, and that they are afraid they won't be able to find someone else who will love them. 100% agree with your assessment.

[@meowiestwo]

but a person looking for their ideal partner is only looking for one partner (presumably). so if they are looking for warmth, they hopefully have that to offer as well. so the better way to say it is exactly how she said it imo :)

[@alyssasandoval1606]

funny, sweet, loving, understanding, patient, driven, supportive, compassionate, and a great listener

[@BassJapanDirect]

Very interesting vid, thx for your work! Essay warning! haha In my experience, and also what I learned from my late father who married 4 times, is that no matter who you end up with NO ONE is the perfect partner, you will always have to compromise. He told me, that ironically, had he been mature and wise enough (which he was definitely not), in retrospect he could have just stayed with my mother and been just as happy (although he very much loved his fourth wife who is still with us and very much a family member). With this in mind, I stuck with my wife and she with me, despite our numerous cultural differences (she being Japanese, and I Scottish) which could have easily torn us apart, because on the whole she is supportive, on the whole she is kind and conscientious, yes she is stubborn, yes she is a bit chaotic (not the tidiest person and has a poor perception of time in my view) but....on the other hand, I am impatient, a bit OCD and probably just as "difficult" in many ways. We have traits that balance each other out, and we share humour so this is a plus. Oh, and she is haaawt which certainly contributed to us having 3 lovely kids! ;) I guess this resonates with the point you made about people downgrading their expectations, which I think is a natural response to preserve a relationship that is basically worthwhile. I have known people, and still do, who can never seem to commit, can never stick it out with their partners because they are too rigid in expectations, and will not compromise. It is sad to see. Actually, my sister in law was like that until she finally fell pregnant after dating and ditching numerous "options", then she had to either accept that partner for the long-term or be a single mum. She chose to accept him and stick with it, and I am happy to report that finally, she is generally happy and their life together is a net positive. TLDR; Don't be too choosy or impatient with your partner/s because you might just end up old, alone and done-for.

[@kemonopriestess]

1:53 My ideal partner is someone who wants to improve with me in almost every facet... someone who would want the best for the both of us... someone who is willing to take difficult steps alongside me.

[@lilymulligan8180]

My last partner was 1000000% the person I tried to rewrite a new ending with to old childhood traumas. Shockingly, it didn't work! He was just as emotionally unavailable and withholding of love as the people in my past were, and there was no amount of self improvement I could do to get him to love me the way I craved. It took almost 2 full years of weekly therapy to finally see that I deserved so much more than what he was giving me. It was this dynamic, along with animalistic sexual attraction, that kept me with him for almost 5 long years. Lessons learned.

[@lunali7209]

someone who is truly a good person, cares for others, humble, has a nice smile and laugh and who is honest

[@ghourmi]

I've been on the dating market for 6 months now and it gives me the feeling that I need to be 2 separate people. 1 to be in a relation and 1 to attract a woman. The last woman I dated gave me the feeling that I was the one she needed, but not the one she wanted.

[@JwanDeFleur]

@@reginagoodbody213 please break up that don’t sound healthy at all an important part of a relationship is to be attracted to your partner physically and emotionally It’s gonna be best for both of you but I’m not the expert here

[@dodji582]

Bet@ need @lpha seed

[@margaritap.9459]

I very much understand what you're saying and that is a very frustrating thing to experience (to say the least). But I have an idea to offer, some food for thought: sometimes people, who have these different ideas for what they "want" and what they "need" can be very immature or traumatized people. People like that tend to chase toxic relationships for the thrill of it, because constant drama and excitement translates as "real feelings" for them and normal, mature, adult relationships seem like "settling for". It's not about you (aka, the healthy participant of that relationship) it's about their baggage and unhealed parts. As far as I've seen, it's better to keep your distance from people like that. Just something to think about😉

[@Delicious_Oreoz]

Never take those evens personal is all I can say. Just be yourself and respect boundaries and if she or he doesnt like that they arent the one.

[@heraldo623]

​​@@margaritap.9459I agree. People with lack of self-awareness tend to go through toxic relationships because somehow it fills the gap, at least temporary. It seems to be similar to substance abuse.

[@sleepeybeau]

my ideal partner is someone who - is an introvert and willing to not go out all the time - has similar interests to me, whether it’s profession or hobbies or media - Something in common - does not have extreme emotional reactions to “small” things - knows how to handle finances - wants me to respect myself and respects themself too - likes cats :)

[@AutumnPetal]

my only big critique is that the idea of someone's ideals changing is consistently portrayed as settling and therefore, negative. Alternatively, many people experience that they do not know to appreciate something until they see it. The more you know someone, the dearer they become. It doesn't always mean someone is settling or compromising.

[@IllD.]

6:38 - Finally someone isn't afraid to say it. Subbed instantly.

[@yaammee]

Its been so cool to see your channel transform and grow as you progress through your education and work. Thank you for always giving us your best and most generous gift of knowledge and perspective

[@jacquelinethereseplunkett221]

What influences our actual choices: 1. Attractive 2. Financially Secure (Earning Prospects) is more important now than prior decades 3. Same Personality or better - O(high)C(mid high)E(high)A(low+)N(midHi) 4. Humour 5. Confidence (in self/choices) 6. Warmth/trustworthiness (not cold or infidelity or bad boys) 7. Kind/sincerity 8. People who won't question them or challenge them or hurt them.

[@tatymac21]

It always boils down to our unconscious attachments from childhood 😏 wish it was recommended reading in hs, would save so many people time

[@fairyjunnie]

my ideal partner: ~ wants to grow with me ~ is actively working on themselves ~ isn't codependent ~ loves me and makes me feel safe w them ~ makes me feel seen and heard ~ doesn't make fun of my interests/beliefs ~ is funny/understands my sense of humor (this one is rly important ngl bc i can't be w someone who isn't funny) umm that's mostly it in terms of core values. i just want a healthy relationship overall bc ive never had it before lmao

[@ZeriocTheTank]

Loved the part where the study said to get off the apps, and meet the person....in person lol. I've tried to do this while online dating, but it was insanely difficult to achieve. Hell it's hard to have a decent conversation with people on a lot of those apps. Unless it's about sex of course. I've been avoiding those apps for a while now. There's no reason to actively be looking for a partner. If they happen to appear, then that's great, otherwise I'll just adjust my expectations some more.

[@nightfox6738]

I don't have a huge amount of experience (I'm highly introverted and finding a partner is very difficult for me), but from what I can tell in successful relationships as you grow together with your partner your partner and your ideals kind of meet in the middle and you grow as well to meet your partner's ideals in the middle. I've also noticed with my current partner that there are some qualities I never really thought about but I value very highly in her and maybe other things that seem less important. For example my partner and I are very open with eachother about our "meta-relationship". We very frequently talk about where the relationship is going and what we're thinking/what we want. My partner doesn't play "games" and honestly after dealing with that so much in the dating scene (again, being introverted those games are really difficult for me and it was a struggle) its such a breath of fresh air. On the other side of things my partner's physical appearance doesn't really match with what I thought of as my ideal looks. She's attractive but different than what had been my preference. Now that I've been with her for a while that just seems so much less important to me.

[@ViTaLTSR]

For me, it's someone : - that understands me, supports me and accepts me as a flawed person ( not meaning I don't have to work on those ) - honest - that's willing to build and improve the relationship - that wants kids and really wants to educate them well - at least a bit agreeable, with compassion and empathy - that gives affection These are the most important I think, then there are others like having some similarities

[@idunnowhat2puthere]

my ideal partner is someone i can see myself with talking to everyday and not get bored or tired. i have a very low social battery with pretty much everyone so i need someone i genuinely want to talk to even when we fight n such. they are someone who is trustworthy, someone who may hurt me but wouldnt break my trust. they are someone who wants to improve and grow as a person and wants to help me grow too. they are someone who is open minded. someone who i can be happy with just laying with them, not speaking.

[@CW12190]

My ideal partner is someone that is so loving and sweet, but that is also down for adventure! I know that I want those two things because i grew up always being the strong person and i was not given much affection and care, and I also have ADHD so I'm always curious about newlearning or trying new things, so I have a strong sense of adventure! I would like to be with someone who is super responsible and reliable, and who supports and encourages me. Its also really important that they are committed to being a better version of themselves and that they are conscious about things like racism, sexist, fatphobia, ableism, etc.

[@AsifImran]

As everyone here, I too have a visualization of my ideal partner. What's interesting is every time I've 'fallen' for someone, the girl almost never met up to my expectations, but I didn't care. I have always wondered if it even matters that I have this idealisation for a partner, as its clear that I can love someone for who they are and not who I want them to be. This video gave an interesting clarification and made me think more on this topic. Thank you Dr. Ana

[@mariem264]

My ideal partner : is kind, emotionally secure, likes quality time and cuddles, be open minded and who likes to talk about many things, that is attractive to me, is active and knows what he wants, who alines with my values (for the future). I'm sure I forgot a few things, but that's the gist of it :)

[@mariem264]

Excellent video! Very thought provoking, and that silver lining makes so much sense and gives me comfort :)

[@zefirnaya6238]

1. Loyal and honest 2. Open about their feelings, knows how to be vulnerable 3. Shares/respects my values and general direction in life 4. Intellectually stimulating. I need those deep conversations where we can exchange and explore ideas 5. Shares my sense of humour :)

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

I think that the next piece that would be interesting to look at is how worthy people feel of their ideal relationship. The hypothesis is that people end up in the relationships they feel worthy of not the ones they want. If you are someone who has had experiences in childhood or adulthood that reinforce a core belief of “I am unlovable” it will be nearly impossible for you to sustain a loving romantic relationship until you start to shift that belief a little. Even if your ideal relationship is one of love it can be challenging to find that relationship when you believe on some level that you are unloveable . Learning this felt empowering to my own life, because at the end of the day we all want to be in great relationships and we deserve them

[@brianarbenz7206]

Every stormy break up and drawn-out custody battle starts with someone believing they have found the ideal partner. (Yeah, I'm a bit down right now.)

[@Duckieperson]

1. An intense way of experiencing the world, strong interests. This is often tied to intelligence but not always. I’ve met people who are not especially ‘smart’ in an IQ sort of way (probably still above average though), but still have lots of fascinating thoughts and feelings. 2. Strong curiosity, an eagerness to learn/experience new things. 3. A certain toughness. I admire people who are not afraid to push themselves, and are not easily intimidated. As we are talking about sexual relationships, all of this would have to be underpinned by a sense of physical attraction as well of course.

[@Marchel0522]

The fact that there're eating disorders or substance-abuse problems doesn't mean that we do things "against" evolution. It's precisely because of evolution that those very things exist, remember that we didn't evolve in an environment where super stimulant fast food, substances or technologies that enable us to expose ourselves to all sorts of stimuli exist. Those products or services "evolve" over a very short amount of time (probably way faster than our capacity to adapt to them in the long term) mainly thanks to free market selection, because they hit the systems within us in such a way that the probability of choosing those products and services again increases, looking to create positive-feedback-loops. This of course introduces all sorts of disturbances into the systems that regulate our behaviours, potentially completely decalibrating things like the dopaminergic system. There are lots of factors, but at least I believe technology is a main one. Technology doesn't necessarily advance at the same rate than our capacity to adapt to it, from the most fundamental evolutionary perspective. The fact that a rodent can get addicted to cocaine doesn't mean it's going against evolution (if by that you mean it's not following it's insticts), it just means that the animal exists in an environment where it didin't evolve to survive, at least not asuming that getting addicted to cocain isn't advantegeous.

[@anand2a222]

Coincidentally I have been thinking about this question more concretely recently, ever since realizing what my deepest desires were - here’s what I’ve gathered from my notes: I want someone who wants me like I want me, and who wants me to want them how they want them, which is, if we align in our wants for ourselves, to continually be spiritually learning and growing, each respectively; I am interested in a person that wants to continue to spiritually develop, which means they are striving to experience all life has to offer, in introverted ways, in extroverted ways, in labor/service related ways and in play/rest related ways - friendship/spiritual love thus seems to be my greatest desire and requirement from a relationship; The only (for me) way to sustain a friendship is a mutual agreement to continue to spiritually grow, within each’s own cycle of their process of growth, degeneration and regeneration/recreation(?); if this is our shared intent and desire, that we can hold each other accountable to and for, then we can operate with a realistic expectation of what our time spent with each other is meant for, thenceby deriving a shared purpose for our union as friends(?);

[@clairetuenker3186]

i’m gonna say honest, respectful, funny, mysterious/serious, protective, kind, intelligent.

[@placidworld]

Hey Ana, thank you for the effort to make this video. I really like that you mentioned the unconscious part of our decision making process, because it actually plays a huge role. That is why knowing thyself is so critical in order to be happy in any kind of relationship. Here I recalled I line from iyeoka's song: "I know I want it all, but what do I need?". As long as someone covers my unconscious needs, I will be willing to adjust my preferences, expectations and believes... And the vicious cycle can be broken only if I make that need conscious. You mention that a lot of the descriptions of the ideal partner are quite narcissistic, which is something I completely agree with. Here are my thoughts: isn't the idea of the ideal partner narcissistic in itself (or the ideal me)? According to my knowledge, narcissism is a stage in human's development and a quite early one - around age 4-5-6..? So, this leads me to think that the act of searching for the ideal partner shows immaturity and once we mature we start searching for something else… it might have similar meaning, but it will not be defined as "ideal" for sure. With that being said, I'm going for another round of introspection… 😂🤪 All the best, Maya

[@kavyaxxvii]

my ideal partner is someone who is open to growing and receptive to feedback. my current partner and I had a some problems, but we are at a better place now, because we listen to each other and fix things. that for me, is the most important

[@natashacabrera3754]

My ideal partner: 1) knows what they want and why; courageously advocates for their needs and actively creates a life of deep, personal meaning. 2) does not seek conflict but does not shy from it either, understanding the value in deepening understanding of oneself and others, allowing for individual differences, deepening intimacy and seeking opportunities to sincerely care and collaborate through conflict resolution 3) is contemplative and intellectually curious; asks questions and is sincerely interested in me 4) values relationships, connections and community 5) sincere, humble, grounded, centered, kind, compassionate, empathetic, honest, thoughtful, considerate, generous, resourceful, creative 6) values their own happiness and well-being 7) values my happiness and well-being 8) is delighted by me; seeks to delight me

[@MrSlinky]

After 3 failed long term serious relationships, serious defined as intention to start a family; each time one failed, I discovered a little bit more about what I actually want. And more importantly what I didn't want. My forth, and current relationship where I'm actually engaged now, before finding her, I was able to clearly define what I wanted in a partner. I found exactly that in her. This is my personal feeling and not backed by any research that I can source, but I truly feel that one can rarely claim they know what they want in a partner until they've figured out what they don't want.

[@madalinav150]

My ideal partner would be someone able to meet their own emotional needs but also willing to help me with meeting my own. Someone emotionally available, that feels comfortable both in the giver and the taker position. Someone that is consistent and reliable, someone that can take criticism, someone curious and having a good sense of self and established routines, hobbies and friendships. I want someone that can be first my friend and that I can build real trust through experience, not intensity. I hope I can one day be the partner I'm describing.

[@AssassinOfAcesZ]

an ideal partner for me, is somebody who shares my values and is open and communicative with me. Loyalty and consistently working on the relationship is also a must.

[@danameyy]

Relationships are definitely more about having the initial spark of compatibility, and then putting in the work to build your relationship for the long term ❤

[@Sageoftheforest7]

For me understanding myself better gave me the opportunity to find the right partners. When you know your values and you love yourself, you won't settle for someone who doesn't reflect that.

[@CureSmileful]

I never thought that looking for similar partners comes from narcissism (although it probably is one of the reasons, it's just new information to me) but rather that understanding the other person makes us feel less stressed and safer. Two people went through similar experiences, they have similar values and tastes, maybe looks and temperament too. That gives someone feeling of being able to predict what other person may do more often than not and not feel alone with our feelings. There is probably more ways to spend time together with both parties enjoying the activity and I assume the similarity would lead to less arguments unless the trait in common is hot temper

[@SunlitSisterhood]

In the areas that I’m more extreme - cleanliness, planning, whatever - my partner actually is fairly opposite of me. I love having someone I can contrast with and be reminded when it’s time to settle down.

[@cececece611]

33:26 What I got from this is just focus on yourself and improve your own growth and the right partner will be there! Before I even get into a connection and develop connections surrounding me, figure out what I want and desire and focus on that! The right person/people will come! ✨

[@SemekiIzuio]

Its not that easy, improving yourself will not give you the "right " partner but mutiple potentially partners. Better be careful.

[@cececece611]

@@SemekiIzuio Well that’s obvious. Nothing is ever easy per say it’s just an amount of self awareness and I guess practice. But I agree, be safe and careful on who can take your energy but again- back to practicing. Just develop yourself and get done dirty if you have to be but always be safe! ✨

[@Tribuneoftheplebs]

I'm in awe of your script writing ability. Very entertaining video

[@your_pal_cujo]

Before watching the vid, I think for me an ideal partner would be (this might be kind of vague) someone who adds to the lifestyle I have in terms of personality / has similar lifestyle choices. As well as communicative, emotionally aware, and consistently living their truth. I'm excited to watch!! Ana always is putting out bangers!

[@devinawho]

THIS WAS SO INSIGHTFUL!i kept getting distracted by your perfect eyeliners loll youre so pretty!! i really like the part where u said the reason why people care so much is bc they want a formula like that really opened my eyes bc i want a formula too lol

[@buriedtoodeep1508]

Thank you for another fantastic video. I like the in-depth format and appreciate the video title giving me something to contemplate for a while, before I watch it. I've added to my journal already. For me the essence of great communication within a relationship is what would be the definition of an ideal partner. A mutual understanding and dualistic harmony of when, where, how and why, to shift between various modes of thought and action - such as survival mode, relaxation, worktime, play time. Essentially teamwork. Anything less would be burdensome. My greatest failures were those times when I was the burden.

[@canned_beans6236]

i just found this gal but i adore her; you can tell she's just incredibly smart and intuitive

[@haroldoleandro7669]

I love the work that you do in this channel, it helps immensily with so many insights. Wish you the best, Ana

[@CeleryStickz]

THIS VID👏👏👏 YOU MUSTVE TAKEN SO MUCH TIME TO RESEARCH AND PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER. So much value in this vid well done

[@swamp-puppy14]

Interesting the note you make at the end about how when you love someone, you adjust your expectations down. I recently got out of a relationship that fell apart when it transitioned from in person to long distance. In the distance, I realized that without the glue of physical contact regularly present that we didn’t have many shared interests/hobbies to do together virtually, despite me trying a variety of things with her. I’ve always bonded best with people when having shared a activity/experience with them or laughing over the same things with them (in person or online), so it was hard for me to have this realization during the distance. But, since I was deeply in love with this person and wanted to be with them so much, I did what you said: I lowered my expectations, specifically the expectations of the needs I would have fulfilled by the relationship in a long distance setting. I told my then-partner about this, and she got very upset about it, saying she never lowered her expectations in the relationship. Ultimately, she ended things with me, almost 3 weeks ago now. I think this mismatch in expectations was a huge contributor to the end of the relationship. It’s funny to me, because between her saying she never lowered her expectations, and choosing not to move closer to me despite having all the power in the world to do so (she had a high income remote work job and was living with her parents rent-free, while I had moved for grad school by myself and had a apartment signed for, so I couldn’t just move back. On top of that, she had talked about moving to the same state I moved to for several months before we became distant, but ultimately went back on that commitment), I can’t help but question how deep her love really was for me. I realize the wording of the last paragraph may be somewhat confusing. But, if you read all that, thank you. I appreciate it.

[@CrowMium]

My ideal partner is someone who is drug-free, mindful, kind, understanding, creative, and prioritizes their mental/physical health.

[@suryasingh425]

The basic fundamentals of life and relationship should be matches. It is extremely rare to find a partner who is carbon copy of what you want in life. Relationship often tends to teach us modesty and settlement. If you get whatever you wish for your entire life you'll forget what settlement actually looks like and this can spoil you and make your life tough. Now coming onto what I look in a partner is: Understanding, Self confidence, Has her own personality, Independent, caring and ready to sacrifice. Rest if anything i get along this that just counts as a bonus.

[@amanitasequoia]

ideal partner: kind and genuinely trying to be morally correct/a good person, humility, open-mindedness, emotional intelligence, empathy, sense of humor, appreciates the fine arts 😋

[@Cake-um7je]

I'm very curious about the outcome of studies like these but applied to lgbtq+ people and their relationship dynamics/ideal partner!

[@0neduke]

Watching you has made me value my own partner right now. I am realizing how her intellect attracts me so deeply as a fellow academic such as yourself. Thanks for the content

[@janedoe7658]

When I hear that you change and lower your expectations when someone doesn’t seem to fit your expectations it’s really easy to assume that’s a really negative thing. And it can be when it comes to the important parts of someone (I.e they’re abusive in some sort of manner) and it’s really worrisome to wonder if you’re partners has had to really lower their own expectations because i am at least someone full of flaws especially in relationships. Especially in this season of life. So I really do appreciate that silver lining. That sometimes that isn’t a bad thing and it can really encourage growth and it can be really loving to be with someone and be like hey; you’re a little goofier than I thought you would be which sometimes annoys the heck out of me, especially when you make stupid jokes haha but I would rather hear your stupid jokes everyday than anyone else’s. And to realize he is warm and kind and that that’s important in relationships and sometimes I want something else because I’m not used to soemthing so kind in love. It’s not what I’ve seen or been shown. And I’m learning from him to show it better and to forgive myself and others for not being perfect. I could fine my ideal partner… but I probably wouldn’t be as happy and probably wouldn’t be the person I can be with him. And I make him bolder and explore new parts. I know at this point this comment is more for me. But THANKYOU I loved the analysis and all the research put into this. The drama was immaculate. And I appreciated your interpretation and conclusions. I think love and relationships are very complex and they can change and shift :)

[@Divinebaeby]

My ideal partner looks like someone who is emotionally available, makes time to see me without me having to ask, makes me feel beautiful, wants to get to know me on a deeper level, family oriented, has goals, is a provider, and is respectful and understanding.

[@andrewjacob1789]

My ideal partner is funny and fun to be around and they are someone I feel comfortable opening up to who reassures and cheers me on without judgement. (Let's see how close I am to what the research found lol)

[@andrewjacob1789]

That's crazy! Yeah the research was spot on. I do what someone very similar to me!

[@m2pozad]

@@andrewjacob1789 I'm obviously a minority opinion on this, but I'm going with that view as being a bit cringy, as well as oddly narcissistic. One's opposite sex self, also seems so limiting.

[@vickyoli]

In my case, I love that my husband is extroverted and I am introvert. He pushes me to go out and meet new ppl and activities, while I make him to be more comfy with himself at home. We DO share same values, though. And we have intimacy in many ways (not just sex). And as always, communication is key. Both of us have a good self esteem.

[@freethought8517]

My ideal partner would be someone who I can have an educated conversation with, who I find physically and emotionally attractive, one who does not believe in weird superstitious theories (or at least is open to be persuaded), and one who can be trusted due to being responsible for himself and others.

[@catvalentine4317]

That's a very, very low bar... just saying

[@jfs5873]

@@catvalentine4317 I fail to see how that's a low bar, that's pretty average. What OP finds to be physically and emotionally attractive can also be very low or very high depending on their requirements. I would like to know, what is your ideal "bar" or "standard"?

[@freethought8517]

While each factor being a Low bar, you have to keep in mind that the conjunction of all features is still quite rare. So rare that in my 15 years of relationships I topped Out at 4/5. You tell me If that is too "Low", If it trumps everyone I know

[@Aster_Risk]

@@catvalentine4317 It's not. Most people are religious, believe in ghosts and other paranormal happenings, astrology, etc.

[@xFersureMatt]

@@freethought8517 sounds like we're a match. If only I was physically attractive. 😄

[@beataateab]

The very best trait is the ability to communicate. That’s the key. Without honest, respectful communication every relationship is doomed to fail.

[@zoboey]

I think I did find my ideal partner. Him and I view the world very similarly, want to work towards living the same type of life, have similar love languages, and have very similar senses of humor. We are also both committed to working on ourselves and doing our best, which is probably the biggest reason why I can see myself spending my life with him. Whenever we have issues, we talk it out, consider both sides' point of view, and compromise. We're also getting better at meaningful apologies and making real changes. It's a bonus that he's super attractive and talented :) I feel so lucky