The Inner Struggles of Enneagram Type 9's

It's a lot of work staying this chill!
BTW, If you're looking for a tool to better understand the Enneagram and how you or others in your life fit into it, I made this just for you:
www.trueyousys...
On my website, you can also find out about the classes and 1:1 coaching that I offer -- feel free to get in touch with me there if you want to learn more :)
As always, I love to hear your questions, anecdotes, reflections, and suggestions, so please share them in the comments!
💖 Ayla

[@TrueYouSystems]

Hi everyone! I'm loving the awesome discussion here! BTW, if you want to stay in the loop about livestreams 🎥🔴 and other things, sign up for updates here: www.trueyousystems.com/signup I can't wait to chat with you all! ✨

[@NatPix]

I am a 9. I found this video to be very accurate. I’m married to an 8, and I can feel the extra work I do internally to keep peace. Also, I’ve suppressed wants so much in my life that I can’t really find any wants. And I’m at a point where I really want wants!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you so much for sharing this🌷 That's very well put about there being extra work internally to keep the peace. There's a lot of emotional labor that 9s do for their partners or in other relationships, and it's so under the surface that people don't realize and then don't appreciate it, and that can be really hard! Your wants do matter. Knowing that you want wants is a great place to begin the process of being present to your inner self -- of giving back to yourself the same care you give to others. I hope this is helpful in some way😊. Thank you again for sharing your experience and perspective 🤗

[@NatPix]

@@TrueYouSystems Thank you for your response. It IS helpful.

[@FionaIngrid]

I'm an 8 and I can honestly say that I've never been hurt by anyone as much as I have by 9's. The 9's in my life have been so concerned with conflict avoidance and peace keeping that they've ended up being dishonest/suppressive and it's been exhausting trying to find out where I've stood. Also conflict avoidance doesn't seem to work - it just kicks the can down the road. To my mind conflict avoided is really just conflict delayed and then magnified - when things inevitably come out. For me it's raised trust issues and has made me feel unsafe and betrayed when I've discovered years later that the 9 I've adored and would do anything for has been sitting on things they didn't like for years. I hope you find your wants too and a clear, forthright and kind way to communicate to your partner. They're going to push back of course - they're the challenger - but stick to what you want and trust that the peace, support and respect for your honesty will follow. It's got to be better having one or two heated debates that lasts a day/week and then smooths out - rather than suppressing anger for the illusion of peace and having it inevitably spill out anyway.

[@marybell2002]

I’m a 6 and I’ve had similar experiences. 9s are confusing, my dad was a 9 and I briefly dated one. Lies, conflict avoidance, infidelity, fake personas were part of the experience. One thing I’ve noticed is 9 men I know can have a love-hate relationship with 8s. I think the 8 is everything they want to be themselves, so they’re drawn to them, but they can come to resent it. My ex put on an 8 persona that slowly crumbled and my dad always wanted to be a John Wayne/Clint Eastwood type and desperately pursued my type 8 mom until he started to resent her.

[@TrueYouSystems]

@@FionaIngrid These are really great points and I'm so glad you brought up another perspective on conflict as an 8! The enneagram can be so helpful for understanding our own patterns and experiences, but it can also be an amazing tool for helping us see how others who are very different from us experience the world. For a 9, conflict is the worst case scenario, yet for an 8 that same conflict can be the means to creating trust and deeper connection. The enneagram can help us learn from each other to try a different pattern while also helping us to have compassion for what is experienced by another type. I really appreciate getting to hear personal examples like these as they help create deeper understanding so thank you so much for sharing! 🤗

[@derkwest]

Dang man the whole 9s like to get cozy and her examples hit hard and true lol I often times curl up in a blanket in a dark room, sip some tea or some whiskey and read with the TV playing a fireplace on KZbin lol

[@TrueYouSystems]

These are such good examples! Extreme cozy haha! I'm currently working on a video about the subtypes of 9, so excited to hear your thoughts when it comes out! Thanks so much for sharing! 🤗

[@vazzaroth]

Being a 9 just goes to show you over and over how willingly people are to just straight up bulldoze their fellow man unless you defend yourself. It's so much easier to crumple and take the psychic damage as resentment rather than try to resist and risk failure and escalation with everyone dead by the end of the resistance.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Well said! 👏 I'm impressed by how vividly you describe the conundrum of 9s. Thank you for bringing your insightful perspective to the conversation! 🤗

[@ALikiLikiPot]

This is so good! Loved you pointing out the classic 9 thing of just not doing something, instead of being in the conflict of saying “no”. Classic 😅

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed :)

[@carolinethompson3305]

The stubbornness of the 9 is very me. Also, sadly, the passive-aggressiveness when stressed.

[@evbemma33]

A fourth, less discussed, response to trauma is called fawning, or people-pleasing. The fawn response is a coping mechanism in which individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict, pacify their abusers, and create a sense of safety. So for 9s people pleasing could be a strong childhood trauma response..

[@TrueYouSystems]

This is such an insightful point! Early experiences help shape our personalities, and in turn different types can react to and process experiences, including traumatic ones, in very different ways. People pleasing behavior shows up in some types more than others, and very often in 9s. This was actually the topic of one of my first videos, perhaps you'll be interested in checking it out! kzbin.info/www/bejne/oZ-xooyne8qMo7Msi=YyEpGa1LhuReTXVb Thank you for sharing and adding to the conversation! 🤗

[@kathygascon6221]

Dang!!! You get me!! I don’t think I heard your explanation before of what I feel all the time! I appreciate this❤️

[@TrueYouSystems]

Aww thank you!! So happy it resonated for you :) I appreciate you sharing! 🤗

[@carolinethompson3305]

Hey, thanks for this video. As a 9, all of these resonate deeply and in more ways than I realised. I'm now thinking that the best self-help for us 9s is to get in touch with our feelings, to ask ourselves: what do I want, and then to set boundaries. Videos like yours have helped me understand myself better. Thanks. Oh, and by the way, I say "no worries" habitually ✌️😉

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! So happy it resonated for you and helped you understand yourself better! Your advice here is great, thanks for sharing! 🤗

[@m-b0t]

As a nine my theme song is a Hakuna matta 😂 love this video and yes the internal struggle is real and when i don't want to go somewhere i take hours to leave the house and a big pet peeve is garbage pilling up out the can lol

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! That song is so perfect 😄 Love these examples!!

[@raluca_si_atat]

thank you! I just realised near a year ago that my type is 9 and it definetely helped me to be more in touch with my strenghts and weakness, some of them that I had been oblivious to, but still working on them. Keep the good job up! :D :)

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! So happy you liked it🤗This is such a great description of how the enneagram can be an amazing tool for personal growth! Thanks for sharing!🤗

[@BreannaJoyal]

This was my favorite video about my type 9! I would like to add that, for me, I will say no. But I don’t like to say no if it’s something in the future. And I don’t like to be forced to make plans for the future 🤣

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! So glad you liked it 😊 This is so well said, thank you for sharing your perspective! 🤗

[@jxsixh]

This is so beyond true. Pure facts 🤯

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! Happy you found it accurate! 🤗

[@angelalewis8831]

I am in awe of how spot on you are with me. I am a 9, and you just read ne like a paper!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that it resonated with you! 🤗

[@twinesper]

Lol the rope resistance was cool. I was not expecting that.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Haha thank you! Glad you liked!

[@m-b0t]

Wow watching it a second time you really pick up more information maybe I should watch a third time 🤔 thank you again for this content right now I'm stuck on binge watching shows and can't stop

[@TrueYouSystems]

I'm so glad you're getting a lot out of this video! I'm sorry you're feeling stuck in a loop, and I hope my videos can help 🤗🤗

[@m-b0t]

@TrueYouSystems definitely! Thank you!

[@jerrysstories711]

Hi! I just started researching the enneagram and found your channel tonight. I have two questions for you, one of which could maybe be a video topic. 1) Were your parents Clan of the Cave Bear fans? (Fans will understand why I ask). 🙂 2) I saw your vid on reasons people can't determine their type, and it was very interesting and insightful. But I have a more specific problem. I'm clearly either a 4 or 5, but I can't really say if I'm a 4w5 or a 5w4. That could maybe be a series of 9 vids, the examining differences between 1w2 and 2w1, 2w3 and 3w2, and so on. Best of luck to you on building up your new channel! I'm really enjoying your content and your presentation!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you so much! To your first question, yes hahaha they are 😆. To #2, great suggestion! Regarding 4 & 5 specifically, some thoughts off the bat: both are withdrawing types, but 5's tend to detach from feelings, whereas 4's tend to spend time with (or even dwell on) their feelings. So, the focus of their attention when they withdraw inward is different. Also, 4's tend to experience longing for what they feel is missing, while 5's don't tend to experience that often. In general, it can be really hard to identify our dominant type (not just for 4/5), so this would definitely be a good topic to touch on -- thanks for the idea!

[@jbtechcon7434]

@@TrueYouSystems I have a friend who says he's a 5w4, but I think he's a 4 whose had to lean on his 5 wing for survival most of his life.

[@TrueYouSystems]

That's a great point! Sometimes we might lean heavily on a wing (or another type within our Tritype) in certain contexts, and this is another reason it can be hard to identify the dominant type. This can also be one explanation for why some people describe feeling that they changed types from one phase of life to another.

[@jerrysstories711]

@@TrueYouSystems Wow, that comment is uncannily spot-on, exactly what I’m ruminating over. Everyone who knows me and knows the enneagram says immediately I’m a 5w4, but they're basing that on my observed behavior. I used to be convinced of that too, but there’s a part of me that thinks, no, I’m a 4 by nature, but I had to hide my real self for many years and lean on my 5-wing skills to survive and gain a little bit of freedom. Am I changing into a 4, or is it just now safe to be outwardly what I was all along? I’m drawn to that idea, but sometimes it’s hard to tell revelation from wistful wishful romantic thinking. Anyway, I'm glad you liked my idea, and I hope I get to see those vids!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Glad you found my comment helpful! I hope this is too 🤗 At its core, the Enneagram is less about easily observable behaviors and more about internal motivations. But, it can be hard to know what motivates us, so a way to get to that answer is to ask yourself, what do I tend to fixate on and have intensity around? Do I fixate more on having enough information and feel anxiety around incompetence? Is there intensity around intrusion, boundaries and having my energy drained? (type 5) Or do I fixate on what's missing in me or in a situation, and my internal feelings? Do I long for deep connection? Is there intensity around needing to understand my identity and have it be different from others? (type 4) Also, in general, 5's have an insatiable appetite for understanding the world outside of themselves, while 4's have an insatiable appetite for understanding their own internal emotional landscape.

[@SusanVandermay]

So accurate! Thank you!!!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Yay! I'm so glad you found it helpful! 🤗

[@irisacchi]

Great video! I'm very much convinced that I'm a type 9 but as a novice to enneagrams, I'm still confused on how they work, or how specifically 9 works. Your explanation is very easy to understand!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Aww! Thank you! So happy you liked it!🤗 Since the enneagram looks at internal motivations you are the best expert at being able to determine your type! If you relate most to type 9, that's most likely your dominant type 😊. I'm always looking for video suggestions so if there's anything else you'd like to know about type 9 let me know! 🤗 Thanks for the lovely comment!

[@sonyatheforestgaurdian3152]

I do everything I can to work towards this this ideal that I've been working on that boils down to for the good of all humanity. And having that want to not take credit or be the background character of the project it seems to make people feel like I'm disingenuous or just don't care about the project. And that often leads to these whispers in my brain saying I'm not deserving of love and respect, I'll never be good enough, forgettable, I dont belong, useless waste of space, an oxygen hog, unwanted unloved uncared for, a good for nothing failure. This 9 being an AroAce Transbian probably doesn't help either.

[@TrueYouSystems]

It can be so hard for 9s to let themselves be important and to not always put themselves down or minimize their self-worth. This pattern is so second nature to 9s, and many of us don't realize it's even happening. It's really important to hear this message even though I know it's hard to let it in: You matter. Your presence matters. You are seen and heard. Thank you for your heartfelt comment, and always feel welcome to share your thoughts here or contact me anytime 🌷

[@teresamarie8347]

Oh my goodness! I am a nine and I struggle a lot with the feeling that I have to mirror others when I may not agree with them at all which sets me up for internal conflict… also, no, I won’t do things I don’t want to do. But I won’t directly say no, I will just promise myself internally that I won’t. 😅

[@TrueYouSystems]

So well said! You really articulate some core 9 patterns -- mirroring others, and avoiding direct yes/no answers. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping us understand the type more deeply! 🤗

[@DarkVeghetta]

Since I've discovered Enneagram from your videos yesterday, I've typed myself as a 5w4 / 582, but I can't quite tell if my long-time former fiancee was a 9w8 or a 2w3 - the two wing combinations are so similar and apply so well to her that, even with 7 years of experience I can't _quite_ tell which one fits best. I might just end up asking her directly, but I'd rather not bother her... thus, _more_ research required (because 5 ~_~' ).

[@TrueYouSystems]

This is a great example of how certain types can share a lot of similar external traits that can make it tricky to type! 2s and 9s share a lot in common, including being generally helpful, people-pleasing, and having a positive outlook on many situations. One difference to look for is: how actively are they seeking out helping? How often are they actively inserting themselves into the lives of others in order to be needed? I go into this briefly in my "People Pleasers" video. I hope this is helpful! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🤗

[@masteryourlifeizabela]

Such a great video. I wish you a great grow on YT :)

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you!! I'm so glad you enjoyed the video! 🤗

[@JustinHeronMusic]

So goad you're making these videos. Thank you so much.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Aww thank you!!

[@TrueYouSystems]

BTW, if you have any topic suggestions, let me know :)

[@JustinHeronMusic]

Aside from SP 4s being wildly misunderstood, I also think 9s are underrepresented as far as enneagram content. So more type 9 content, please! Do a video that help 9s see past their Indolence.

[@JustinHeronMusic]

Oh hey, also no one is making videos on Enneagram & Sexuality, and there aren't enough videos on Enneagram types in love; like a video about each type in love with each other type and what that relationship might look like.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you!!

[@AngieLarsen-sb9do]

I work retail and am giving myself all day to customers. When I get home I have zero energy to hang with friends. My fear is no one will miss me when I am gone because I have not kept my friendships up. I love my job, it is part-time so I can travel or help my adult kids when I am needed. However, it litterally sucks all my energy. I auume I need to set my boundries and work less? (fortunately I work because I want to, not because Ineed to)

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you so much for sharing these helpful examples! I'm curious which subtype of 9 you identify most with -- I describe them in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mX7NdYCMYqyqhJIsi=obS_RMHOWzRCgUqs I would love to hear your perspective! Thanks for sharing your experience! 🤗

[@RolandVillareal-x1l]

Thank you!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! 💕🤗

[@anewhypeiv9898]

Any way to easily distinguish between 5s and 9s? They are both very withdrawn, and both appear to move slowly in action, so sometimes its not clear.

[@TrueYouSystems]

It's true, and great question! 5's and 9's can be hard to distinguish especially to the outside observer because both of these types are withdrawing types. They also both tend to avoid conflict and hate being rushed. But there are differences and ways to distinguish between the two. 5's have an easier time saying no to people, and say it more often than 9's. This is because 5's feel no problem in creating boundaries between them and others as a way to prevent being drained by others' needs and demands. 9's, on the other hand, have difficulty saying no. This is because they are motivated to create harmony and balance. They easily blend and merge with others in order to create this harmony, so boundaries can be difficult for 9's to create and uphold. For 9's, being sure of what they want can be difficult, while 5's usually know what they want. I love this question -- maybe a good video topic 🙂 Thank you for asking!

[@dexteryousef2380]

Thanks alot Ayla for this paragraph. From type 5.@@TrueYouSystems

[@jkk45]

I'm an Ennegram 5, but my tri-type is 519, so I so identify a fair bit with some of what was said here.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Thank you! I'm so glad you found it relatable! This is such a great point for how our Tritype can influence what we relate to and to what extent. Thanks so much for sharing!🤗

[@marigos]

as a 9 this is relatable as hell 😭🙏🏾-ISTP

[@TrueYouSystems]

Aww thank you! So glad you found it relatable! Thanks for sharing!🤗

[@sara.the.muggle]

I'm an agreeable nine out in the world. What I have found out about myself that may not be true for other nines, is that I'm very grumpy and blunt at home and lately a little tiny bit out in the world as well. My kids compare me to Squidward from the show Spongebob 😅 Essentially, I'm a typical grumpy old lady behind closed doors and she comes out every now and then in public. Does anyone else identify with this?

[@dirksplang]

I do identify to this but from a male, husband, parent perspective. At home I can slip into a very passive aggressive type person with my family because they are the ones I am most comfortable with. I find this happens when i suppress my anger and frustrations. I convince myself that those things that bother me aren't worth bringing up and are minor. Sometimes I have a hard time communicating what I am feeling so it comes out wrong and doesn't convey what I am truly feeling or it feels like my concerns are brushed off. Then I get frustrated more and so I withdraw to find my peace and keep suppressing or get passive aggressive with snide comments here and there. I have gotten better in not doing that and working on better communication, especially with my wife, to get out of that vicious cycle. 🙂

[@TrueYouSystems]

@sara.the.muggle, this is a fabulous description of something I've often heard other 9s speak to, and @dirksplang, excellent examples! Thank you both for sharing and helping me to understand more deeply🤗 I so appreciate hearing your perspective and personal experiences being a 9! I'm definitely curious to hear from other 9s how they relate😊

[@sara.the.muggle]

@@dirksplang I'm working on better communication as well. I was getting snappy at my husband over small things, which was not good. I started seeing a therapist every week, and I have been doing much better. I hope that we bust out of our cycles and find peace.

[@evbemma33]

A fourth, less discussed, response to trauma is called fawning, or people-pleasing. The fawn response is a coping mechanism in which individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict, pacify their abusers, and create a sense of safety.

[@vazzaroth]

I can't believe there's people out here on PDB thinking 9's can't be, or will be super rare, INTPs when bruh... Fi EIGHTH?!

[@TrueYouSystems]

Haha good point! Yeah 9s can really be all over the MBTI, though they do tend towards I and P. For a look at a somewhat different variety of Type 9, you might enjoy my INFP video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/f6mrg42XnaxgjZosi=dlXsvr5DY4xn6gxS Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🤗

[@evbemma33]

Mirroring others or people pleasing is a diseaster strategy for life for 9. 9s have to take care of what they wants and develop their strong SELF.

[@TrueYouSystems]

Indeed! The ability to take on others' perspectives is a gift, but it comes with a curse, which you articulate well. BTW, I have some other 9 videos you might be interested in, including some that don't mention 9s in the title but are largely focused on them -- here's a playlist: kzbin.info/aero/PLvu3Mso64sst9hMdaQlxeh-j_5jc-HBsk Thank you for sharing here, I'm loving hearing your thoughts! 🤗

[@jelmerskalleberg6987]

Nine here I can make easy: decisions Say opinions triggered Annoyed Angry Impulsive Feeling hate But first I will look around around the table who is there…

[@TrueYouSystems]

Great point! 9s do tend to adjust to the people around them, while still feeling the full array of feelings, including things like anger. Thank you for sharing your experience! 🤗