The Loneliness Epidemic and Avoidant Personality Disorder

[@janeyleigh]

Everyone gets hurt in life. I don't understand why I just can't handle being hurt or rejected. I don't want to ever be around most people. Thank you for the informative video.

[@lorishu48103]

What helps me is to remember if someone accepts me or reject me ultimate my life won’t change

[@LoveForBluebirds]

I'm 31 and have had avoidant personality disorder since about age 13. It's been a pretty difficult life.

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

It's not easy, but I hope you have found some treatment and coping strategies to help long the way. Anything I can do to help please let me know. If you haven't subscribed to the channel please do and spread the word about what we are doing here.

[@naturebound2901]

I was diagnosed with AvPD at age 16 in 1989 when I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward after attempting suicide. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. I could not finish college until I was 42 and online schooling became available (though I still had to do onsite internships and exams). I worked many low level jobs over the years due to low self esteem and anxiety, jobs that involved rarely working with the public, such as cleaning jobs (hotels, offices etc), medical records clerk, library clerk and so on. I work as a medical coder now. I used to go into an office, but during covid pandemic we were all sent home permanently to work. Its been a double edge sword. I am more comfortable working from home, but I am far more isolated and I don't experience the daily exposure to others, so when I do go out it is so much harder for me. I still have to deal with challenges from others on my coding, from doctors, patients, other staff though it comes through mostly email. Even if I am able to prove I am correct in my coding and explain/defend it, the fact that someone questioned it makes me feel like a failure inside and makes me think others are judging me. Its a horrible feeling and increases my anxiety a lot. It is so much harder to reach out to others, like my supervisor, because she is not right there anymore. There is one surgeon who constantly challenges me and I feel that he bullies me. I know because he does it to others too. I should complain but I just sit back and take it and feel worse and worse and less confident even if I have proven my coding. Why would he single me out after all? But I don't always trust my own feelings either, given my disorder. I go around and around in my head with it all. I see a therapist but can only afford to see her once every other week, even with insurance. I care for a husband I have had for 24 years who is dying from pulmonary fibrosis and between work and caring for him I have little time for a social life. I am extremely burned out and exhausted. I also cover for others at work constantly who are getting time off while I am unable to get time off despite 20 years of seniority and 580 hours of PTO. I had to beg to get one day off to travel to a specialist for my husband to discuss a possible lung transplant for him. Ridiculous. I feel I get taken advantage of because I do not speak up like others on my team who are much louder and more vocal. It is hard to convey emotion by email as opposed to when I worked on site. I still avoid large crowds not only because I am uncomfortable in them but because I am trying to protect my husband from getting covid which would likely kill him since he relies on an oxygen tank to breath as it is with all his lung scarring. I have not gotten covid yet. I do go to a fitness center during quieter times, and grocery store once per week, rarely onsite medical appointments otherwise I am fairly isolated. I used to go to a ballet class which I loved but I have chronic shin splints and can not longer jump so I stopped going. I fear what will happen when my husband passes away. I will be completely alone. My Mom has dementia and is in a nursing home. Sister has paranoid schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder. Dad lives 1100 miles away. I have no other family close. One long distance friend. Nothing else.

[@0zig-fw4tu]

wow what a story, i know i’m a stranger but if you ever need to get something off your chest i’d be so happy to listen. i hope you and your husband are doing better than the year before when you wrote this. ❤

[@naturebound2901]

@@0zig-fw4tu Thank you so much! This last year has been INSANE but in a good way! My husband had been denied for a double lung transplant at multiple local transplant centers due to long standing HIV, but Cleveland Clinic accepted him, and by the time he was put on the lung transplant waiting list he was so sick he was only listed for one week before he received a double lung transplant. I thought this was the end of story and we'd go on happily living. But three days post transplant pathology examined his old explanted lungs and found stage 3 lung cancer. It was not known if it had spread in his body. Had that cancer been found pre transplant he would not have been transplanted as cancer is a contraindication for transplant (the lung disease he was transplanted for is pulmonary fibrosis/interstitial lung disease). So he lucked out that it was not found until after. He did 4 rounds of chemotherapy from one to four months post double lung transplant. By some miracle he has done miraculously well. No other cancer has been detected in his body as of yet. We had to move 860 miles for five months for his care at Cleveland Clinic. So many trials and crises and I had to learn to speak up let me tell you. It is so much easier for me to fight for someone else than myself. We are back home now but need to fly back and forth to Cleveland Clinic every 2 months for lifelong care for him. I was able to work remotely out of state too so that helped. Its been quite a crazy few years. Thank you so much for offering to be a shoulder to lean on. I still need so much support! Its a never ending battle.

[@chuck3999]

It's got to do with childhood emotional neglect. The young child was not safe and didn't not ever acquire a secure attachment. Why doesn't he talk about how to rid oneself of these symptoms?

[@redman9453]

It's huge to put yourself in circumstances with baby steps. First, remember situations you felt fear..sit with it, meditation like till you feel that fear energy. Sit with it till you get comfortable with that feeling of emotion. Go through every past situation and sit with it. Do this in a calm state, not while you are triggered. Once you go through all your past emotional situations, start small by participating in the same situations you dealt with in your past. Set a goal and grow!!

[@Danielle-nz9tn]

I like this idea so much. I really feel like I absolutely have to do meditate and let my mind wander to the past social situations where I felt unsafe. It’s been so long now that I’ve hardly been social that I don’t even remember what specifically was so uncomfortable anymore. It’s just foggy now and more of a generalized feeling of dread. I also keep having dreams where I am with groups of people/friends doing fun social things and am very confident and feel accepted and liked. Then I wake up and feel that dread and awful feeling when I realize it was just a dream. I think my dreams are trying to help me be aware of how much I actually long to recover from these difficulties and feel safe and free to have real meaningful social connections. 😔

[@redman9453]

@@Danielle-nz9tn There are a lot of instances where trauma was so long ago, you can't remember details. It's natural. Try moving along your time-line of memories till you recognize an experience that relates. You can try remember a situation today, or last week. Using the earliest memories can still help. It may take time for you subconscious to dig up old memories but it can. Dealing with current events can help when older events decide to surface.

[@Danielle-nz9tn]

@@redman9453 That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the encouragement. One early memory that does stand out is my 1st grade best friend one day abandoning me at school and never speaking to me again. She told me meet her at a specific place on the playground at lunch, never showed up and never spoke to me again. With no explanation. I don’t believe I ever told anyone. I didn’t go home and tell my parents to help me process and get validation and comfort. Probably because I had already received and internalized the nonverbal message through my parents’ behavior patterns that my emotional needs weren’t important, due to their being overwhelmed and preoccupied; also, I was strongly discouraged from having “worldly” friends outside my parents’ religion (cult), so I may have subconsciously believed that my need for this friendship wouldn’t have been regarded as a priority. Now, in retrospect, I have a theory about why my friend may have abandoned me, based on linking it to another memory of her doing something very embarrassing when I was at her house. But honestly, I cannot even link them with accuracy because I never linked the two incidents back then, so I don’t have an accurate memory of one likely causing the other. Since I didn’t judge her for the behavior that she was likely embarrassed about, I didn’t connect it to her possibly feeling shame and not wanting to be friends out of embarrassment/shame. Also, of course, as a first grader, I didn’t have the cognitive skills or life experience to understand someone’s experience of shame and their behavioral response. But regardless of the reasons for her behavior, I definitely experienced it as a painful rejection and abandonment that I believe was one of the traumas that could have contributed to my social anxieties and fears of rejection.

[@redman9453]

@@Danielle-nz9tn You're welcome Danielle. 😊 It's hard to determine the exact reasoning of her not showing up. It's likely the embarrassment she felt caused her to not show up that day at lunch. It could be multiple reasons, you may never know exactly. All you can do is look out for you, understand and process how it made you feel. I hope and pray your friend at some point in her life has found away to let that embarrassment and shame go and move on past it. Regardless of her reasoning, you have to heal you. Have you meditated on the situation? It may take a few times to really sink into the feeling you experienced then in that moment, being so long ago. Don't force it, the more you meditate the deeper you'll connect. Your subconscious takes a bit to fully open up to allow you to feel because of its protective wall. When you meditate, after your breathing technique, out loud or to yourself, say "God, Source..my intention tonight is to heal, subconsciously, emotionally and spiritually. Assist me with my healing, I am ready to heal". Think of that day, the earliest part leading up to the moment you realized she wasn't going to show up. Try and remember as much detail as you can each time you meditate. My parents were the same way, is why I never talk to them about my past. I believe in God, spirituality and religion. I believe people where taught about religion incorrectly and then interpreted wrong. In my house growing up, it was a more dictatorial raising not a loving, sharing or compassionate structure. Think the reasoning was similar to your parents reasoning but displayed in a more negative way. I believe spirituality and religion go hand in hand but neither side recognize the other. Listening and studying both, I see where they over lap. and I

[@Followyourpassions]

44 years and living with avpd for 20 years. Isolated, no job. I have my 3 dogs and 2 long life friends. But honestly.. It's only getting worse. A wasted life. Yep, luckely I'm half way for sure.

[@batzeth]

You can still do important things!! Dont give up!!

[@Followyourpassions]

@@batzeth that's true. I'm enjoying backpacking and wildcamping a lot. I'm glad im still here. It's worth going on😉. There's a reason why I'm still here. Thanks for the comment.

[@JnTmarie]

I have CPTSD and demonstrate avoidant personality disorder traits. With covid situation I am not engaging and then hit by a car I have a broken ankle so bed ridden KZbin has been my best friend. It gets worse when you are older. You can fall off the earth and no one notices. People need people but the fear of being overwhelmed by someone or being overwhelming keeps me distant.

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

It's not easy but the good news is there is help and support. Things like CPTSD are difficult and in my mind have psychotherapy at the core of treatments. I think you can get better, I believe in you

[@Danielle-nz9tn]

Thanks for your comment - I totally relate. I have all these same difficulties, minus the broken ankle! 😌. I hope your ankle heals soon. I find it helpful to remind myself that I usually feel more disconnected from myself the more inactive I am and the more I stay inside. So I’m sure the ankle injury may contribute to that feeling. I also use YT as a coping mechanism for loneliness and disconnection bc it keeps my mind occupied and helps me if I can relate to things people are describing. I do have to try to balance this type of content with lighthearted content. I also try to actively seek topics that are cognitively stimulating to me but not related to my self development journey, thus without as much emotional charge. I have to work to be mindful of this bc I tend to binge on topics and then feel emotionally flooded and drained if it’s too heavy. This video was great. I like the baby-step approach to change, like exposure therapy. It feels manageable and makes me hopeful.

[@LR-yu3mx]

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[@chuck3999]

It's funny he never mentioned trauma for those of us who endured much neglect, abandonment, rejection and emotional abuse in childhood. This psychiatrist does not even comment on it. He also fails to mention that opportunities for seniors living today, don't necessarily have the finances to socialize. He doesn't mention EMDR as a possible theraputic alternative. This reply failed to encapsulate many other alternative paths.

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 8 months ago about self development. Now I have 925 subs and > 700 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@dawnkulan4514]

Are there any books you would recommend for someone with AvPD? Something to help me understand, cope.. Telling me to connect with people more gives me chills all over.

[@midnightcat6116]

So glad yt recommended your channel. im on the cluster a & c spectrum from childhood trauma and it’s very painful. i wish psychiatrists were as understanding as you as the one’s I’ve seen in the past few years have been uncaring.

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

For me AvPD goes hand in hand with body dysmorphia.

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

I think I have a video of body dysmorphia, it's been under recognized but we are making progress. For both of these disorders psychotherapy is the way to go. Hope the video was helpful if you haven't subscribed to the channel please do and spread the word about what we are doing

[@batzeth]

Its the same for me, I hope we can overcome this soon.

[@Tdk588]

This channel is a hidden gem! Your content is fantastic. Keep it up. You'll have a big break in time :)

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

Thanks I appreciate it, this is all to help people to learn about psychiatry and make it more accessible. I'm glad I could help and spread the word about the community we are building here

[@sarcastian]

Maybe those people are just tired of feeling hurt by a**holes and they avoid to protect themselves from negative feelings and emotion’s. What’s wrong with that?

[@meudeusefiel9820]

I'm 59 and have AVP as well. Regarding the epidemic of loneliness, I think it is because the culture of our days. We need to slow down and spend time, just talking to one another. How did people connect in the old days? I think they connected through every day practical things. There was no internet, no tv, no radio. People just had one another there where they lived, so they were forced to connect and acknowledge one another. The mailman had time to talk. It was a closer more intimate local environment. People were dependent on one another on a whole different level than today. People were forced to talk to one another and deal with one another, and that was the normal way of living. Also, family values and structure was different.

[@BakerBikerGeshe]

Awesome video man, nail on the head! I was curious if you'd be willing to cover any of the connections between avpd and antisocial behavior. I'm in my treatment phase of avpd and the part that seems to be the hardest is how (as a masc male) I so easily go from avoidant to antisocial in order to avoid in my behaviors as I am babystep forcing myself into triggers. Just a thought for a cool video to explore heh, my therapists acknowledge it for what it is I guess but I think the overall people dont think about what happens when someone with avpd either cant escape, or avoid interactions and...almost tactician-like in antisocial behaviors as used as a tool in avoidance.

[@LisaCaseyComedy]

Great video, I’ve been making videos about my AVPD for a few years now

[@lorishu48103]

I have Autism and likely seem avoidant. I avoid contact because it drains me so I think that’s different? Most of the time I prefer my own company but I realize that I’m not an island. Appreciate video !

[@sutekh7890]

Interesting and makes sense, I heard somewhere else that there was a loneliness epidemic and I couldn’t say I was too surprised… hope you’re feeling well, you look sleepy or like you’re fighting a bug.

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

It's hard work being a full time doctor and putting out all this content. I appreciate the concern and my much needed vacation is here. I always appreciate your input, looking forward to coming back fresh

[@janisjansons5707]

Are Beta blockers like Propanolol effective for Anxiety ???? or Phobias ??? Can you make video about Phobias ?

[@pandukawb]

Good explanation. There are not much content in the Internet on AVPD.

[@georgesontag2192]

I cannot believe how many personality disorders exist today. Mix personality disorders with marriage and the marriage laws against men, its probably a good idea for a man to never sign a thing. If he wants kids, he should keep every dime he has out of his name.

[@bulkbogan4320]

[@karenw8722]

Isn't it misleading to note a low percentage and call AvPD rare or uncommon, when the very nature of getting a diagnosis is to be 'judged', therefore something a person with AvPD would not necessarily seek? As you stated, not a lot of research has been done, so this percentage really isn't accurate. It reminds me of the 'autism explosion' in the 90's. The number of people who are autistic did not actually increase; the number itself increased because of research and greater understanding in the medical community. But, these numbers also created fear in the general population. I think it is great that you are touching on AvPD to help people to start talking about it, but I think the numbers should be left out of the conversation. When someone feels like they are the only one who feels this way, it can become a vicious, downward spiral. (None of this is meant to come across with any mal-intention. I am autistic and suffer from AvPD. I was told that I cannot get an official diagnosis because my parents are not around to partake in the process. My doctor laughed while telling me that I am officially diagnosed undiagnosed autistic. This translates in my brain to, "not even good enough to be counted". So I hope you can understand how percentages without proper research is a pet peeve of mine. Sorry.)

[@nickjsky1]

I don't fault him for quoting the (probably undercounted) statistics, but his editorializing that this percentage is "actually quite low" does minimalize the problem. In a small city of 10,000 people, 236 will be AvPD-ers who see themselves as surrounded by enemies or potential enemies. That doesn't seem "low" to me. In fact that seems like an epidemic. Furthermore, unlike the "loneliness epidemic" people who can get over it with a little socializing, most AvPD-ers won't seek out support via socializing or psychotherapy because of the threat of judgement and shame. Thus AvPD can be a permanent condition.

[@Danielle-nz9tn]

@@nickjsky1 I agree. Let’s also not forget that many ppl prob wouldn’t think they have a problem bc they do all their socializing in the bar. I can much more easily socialize too if I drink, but that’s just masking the problem. I def think that the loneliness problem is often at the root of much of the alcoholism problems. Nothing wrong with drinking socially but my opinion is that regular alcohol use is far too normalized.

[@fatimamelo3858]

Loved your perspective!❤

[@dogegamer3288]

All of these social maladies go back to disobeying God. God's first command was get married and have children. Not have a cat/dog replacement, travel the world, live in a tiny home van lifing with a god/cat. This is why. We've turned into a society of disobedient to God, selfish people as outlined in Romans chapter one that people in the last days love would grow cold and they would become 4 footed animal worshippers (cat, dog, horse). That is why there are literally millions upon millions of hours of cat/dog videos on KZbin and lonely people. They refuse to read God's word and obey him, which starts with the very first command to not be alone(it's not good), to marry one man and woman and to have children. We are told in God's perfect word that children in a marriage are a reward from God. Nothing will ever compensate or fill that void. People that are selfish, self-centered and disobedient to God will be lonely and God said that is not good for man.

[@ResourcefulNomad]

Childhood trauma makes that life difficult or impossible to achieve. I agree we were made for family, but building trusting relationships is harder for people with this problem.

[@averagehuman42]

Actually, celibacy is considered more moral/desirable by Christianity than getting married and having children. That’s the whole reason priests are supposed to be celibate.

[@BrazilcarnivalSamba]

I have seen in literature and description by ADHD expert Dr. William Dodson a trait which is still not featured in the DSM as RSD. Also, this is some of the anxiety traits in BP II., hence not only a PD but part of some estructural disorders. Whst are your thoughts? And congrats for a new direct format Dr. Really impressive

[@ShrinksInSneakers]

When I look at a disorder and try to determine the validity I look for several things. 1. does it follow a distinct course that is predictable and consistent over time, 2. are there any biological markers (inflammatory markers for example), 3. genetics, does it run in families some disorders are highly genetic (bipolar, schizophrenia) 4. response to treatment, when we attempt to use an intervention does the patient get better. The more of these that are hit the more likely it's a real valid disorder. I think what would help is first establishing a diagnostic heirarchy because many symptoms overlap in multiple diagnoses making things complicated. I would also be in favor of using more subcategories within a larger diagnosis for example separating the various forms of depression and using treatments specific for each, this will be the topic of a new video next week