The Men We’d Date | Chosen Family Podcast

[@ericadecopas]

"We're just talking about men, there's nothing sexual about it" 😂😂😂 Mak did not reveive praise for this joke and it was so gooood

[@lisajopegg1685]

And it was SO accurate.

[@MeganxKay]

Big props to Alayna for discussing what happened right after coming down from the anxiety attack. You could have said there was tech issues and given yourself time to recoup, but I think it will really help people to hear that discussion right after. You guys have an incredible balance and dynamic of comedy and tenderness amidst the hard discussions and that's just one of the reasons this continues to be one of my favourite podcasts.

[@alpha2legs]

TL/DR: There is a HUGE need for more lesbian bars/safe-spaces with varying degrees of exclusivity. Y’all were asking in the last episode for examples of other safe spaces that may or may not be exclusive. I’m a recovering addict and NA/AA both have “open” and “closed” meetings. At an open meeting, an addict is welcome to bring friends or family who aren’t addicts to listen and learn, and occasionally I’ve met lone curious people (usually therapists in training) who come to sit and learn about the twelve steps. It is made clear in the meeting that we ask those who aren’t addicts to not use sharing time, but they are encouraged to speak with us before or after the meeting. If I want a guaranteed safe space with only other addicts, I can go to a closed meeting, where it is made clear that people who aren’t addicts aren’t welcome. I think gay/queer/lesbian bars and safe-spaces should operate similarly. I am shocked that there are so few lesbian bars in the US! I definitely think a simple sign on the front of the bar such as “Allies Welcome” or “This is a Safe Space-Lesbians/Women Only” would be incredibly useful for the few bars that we do have. I agree with Ashley that Allies only become stronger when we can allow them access to our community, and I agree with Alayna that there is a need for spaces where lesbians and women can feel safe from the presence of men. There is just simply a need for a greater number and diversity of lesbian bars with varying degrees of exclusivity!

[@nutmeg-an]

So true

[@marliesd5830]

It's interesting how Ashleys first reaction to hearing about the lesbian bar drama was "it's okay with me if the guy was invited by the queer". Because that's actually the crux of the story. The guy was invited by a staight girl (let's assume in good faith that the queer friend okayed it). So far a bit iffy because a staight person decided to invite someone in a quuer space but still okay. But where it becomes a problem is when the lesbian in the story asks him who he's there with and his responds is "what, am I not allowed to be here without a queer person".

[@Princess_0f_Trees]

YES and she asked him because he was standing and blocking the bathroom doors

[@NE8675309]

​@Princess_0f_Trees Which would no doubt, make a lot of queer women feel unsafe. A man loitering the bathrooms makes most straight women feel unsafe.

[@PracticallyDivineSage]

Yeah Ashley probably would’ve responded much differently with the full story but she just got the cliffnotes. Ashley’s response was my first thought bc I imagined a group of friends in a booth or couch hanging out. But then when I saw more details I was like oh that’s not great bc the guy was abrasive with his response

[@Princess_0f_Trees]

Heads up to both Ashley and Alayna if they read this: Ashley did NOT know the full story at all about the lesbian bar drama. She thought it was about a staight guy being there, period. It wasn’t about him being there. Ashely thinks that’s the topic, and Alayna thinks Ashleys response is about the WHOLE story, which it’s not. Just in case it gets missed, there was a huge miscommunication in this episode that maybe didn’t get noticed by them. Maybe some of the comments will point that out and help?

[@Princess_0f_Trees]

If Ashley reads this: The controversy was about how this man (who was invited by a stright person) was standing in front of the bathroom doors, and neither the mens or women’s doors could swing open with him standing there. A lesbian asked him if he was there with anyone and he pointed to his friends. Interaction ends. The man comes back with his straight friend and they begin to berate the lesbian who asked him that. And then they left and went online and berated her and the queer community and that space for it, acting like they were discriminated against. (leaving out what he did that was making people wonder what he was doing). The lesbian made a post adding the context they left out.

[@Princess_0f_Trees]

Hope this post helps. Cuz it wasn’t about if he should be welcome there. It was about if he and his friends had the right to act that way, and then acted discriminated against when a queer person questioned his motives for being there AFTER he had been weird. Not before being weird. After. Haha

[@cassidygarman7916]

Yeah I definitely think that’s important to clarify because opinions would most likely shift hearing the full story

[@megancurtis9502]

@@Princess_0f_Trees I believe the straight girl also said the lesbian came up to them and started berating them about why he was there when they actually came up to her after the initial interaction and said essentially "why would it not be ok if he was here?"

[@indomitusjane]

As i recall, the lesbian in question only inquired if he was there with someone after he'd copped, what she felt, was an attitude with her. She'd tapped him on the shoulder, asking if he was in line for the bathroom and I guess he felt bothered 🤷 . By all accounts, it's a tiny bar. he was, obliviously, in the way of what she needed.

[@zazajf]

When Alayna described her ideal man, I immediately thought of Konrad. Glad she quickly referenced him so I didn't feel crazy.

[@Lolajoy27]

And she got his name right😂😂😂 she can't even do that on her own channel 😂😂😂

[@eyeAmBrittanyH]

I was fully expecting her to say Carter or Connor LOL

[@circleofleaves_zigzag]

But Ashley you didn't even hear the details of the Cubbyhole story before commenting on it. The main issue was that when the lesbian asked the dude if he was there with anyone, he pointed to his friends, then he came back up to the lesbian AFTERWARDS, and said "Would it be a problem if I wasn't here with anyone?" THAT was the issue. So yes, he was ACTIVELY making people uncomfortable.

[@Princess_0f_Trees]

Exactly. This is so awkward to watch, cuz Ashley thinks it’s only about the fact a straight man was there. And that’s not the issue. She didn’t hear that he went and blocked the bathroom doors, and when a lesbian asked if he was there with someone or something, he went and got his straight friend who invited him, and then they berated that lesbian for saying something. And then went and berated that lesbian again (and queer people in general) online about it. Leaving out the entire story. This is really awkward to sit through. And Alayna thinks Ashley DID hear the whole story…. It’s rough to watch Ngl.

[@JanneBernards]

It doesn't change anything about the actual points she made though.

[@bethanygreenwood8259]

The abuse also continued outside of the club, as That Lesbian left they continued to harass her. They were NOT safe people to have in that space, the queer friend did not manage the behaviour of the straight people and a queer person was made to feel UNSAFE in a place that is meant to be free from.that kind of abuse. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE ONE PLACE TO BE SAFE?!

[@mero8374]

​@@JanneBernards thats how i see it as well

[@megancurtis9502]

I don't think she was intending to comment on the story. Her and Mak went on a tangent about is it ok for men to be in lesbian bars full stop. The issue is I think Alayna thought she was responding to the story, when they were actually just speaking generally.

[@gil8548]

All of you being so happy in safe relationships is such a comfort blanket to my lonely existence. Thanks for my Wednesday mornings stupid smiling 💜

[@dododans]

I absolutely LOVE your discussions! As someone who tends to get somewhat defensive, even when no one's attacking me, the neutrality you all present during discussions is a great example for me and it has really helped me take on a different, more open attitude during conversations

[@mero8374]

yes same!!

[@Val-rd4lb]

That's really great. I wish my mom could understand that. Yo! This lady tries to argue FACTS with me. I need to start walking away. It's exhausting

[@Meghan.E18]

Mak's Ipad kid weirdo voice gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I love you all. You made a hard day better. Also, Hi from Manitoba, where it is, in fact, -40.

[@howdy-cricks]

I just woke up panicking and gasping from a nightmare at 5 AM, opened up youtube to try and calm down forgetting the podcast was going to be up, feeling much better after watching my favorite gays!!! Also sleepy Ashley is very cute

[@theszmek]

Somehow this rollercoaster feels like one of my favourite episodes?

[@savannahmay6335]

Ditto

[@falseprofit9801]

Seeing Ashley change her mind and come around to Alayna’s side on lesbian bar drama, only to obstinately declare her intention to bring her guy friend to Cubby Hole was peak Ashley and I’m here for it. It was so refreshing to hear “I haven’t thought about this and I’m still working out my opinion” in an age of audiences who demand perfection and angry beep boops who dismiss uncertainty as weakness. Dad’s not perfect, but gahd damn if she’s not right more often than she’s wrong when it comes to commentary on society. Seeing her push people’s buttons and preach normal folk coalition-building gives me hope for the future. Love this trio, love this pod.

[@andiegwilt357]

TOM HOLLANDAISE

[@Lolajoy27]

Please look at the translation 😂😂😂

[@camtj90]

😂😂​@@Lolajoy27

[@krisviola1092]

This was the funniest part of the episode and I couldn't believe Make didn't call her out on it. Also the translation is too much 🤣🤣🤣

[@elifmiss]

I went through a huge existential crisis this year. It was a lot and also included a devastating break up. I was so sad and tired from having suffered so much already and after pushing through a last time to get through my uni exams I was completetly burnt out. I was lucky to be with my therapist this whole time but some days I coudn't leave the bed. In between crying my eyes out in heart break and exhaustion, I first was able to feel better watching Ashley's comedy shorts on my phone. After a while I managed to get out of bed, but going out of the house or doing stuff still feels very overwhelming sometimes, so I watched your podcast to feel occupied, warm and safe and stay in and recover. It was like meeting a safe group of friends without the overwhelming fear of not being able to meet expectations. I even manage to get things done around the house while listening with headphones on now, like cook or clean or take care of my home and me. I'd love to come see one of Ashley's shows in Europe, so I try to feel better soon to be able to travel. But in the meantime - thank you all so much.

[@Val-rd4lb]

Gosh I'm so sorry about your going through that. My break up has been super hard too but it's lasting longer than the relationship at this point. Shes crazy 🤣 Not really but she's got different feelings and opinions every day. Hard to keep up at this rate. Anyway I'm glad you're starting to feel better. May I recommend something? If you're already doing it that's good, commit to 7 minutes 5 days a week to exercise. It could even be stretching one day weights the next, then mix it up. I like resistance bands because you can make up your own movements and feel what muscles you're working. I need to get back into it but I was so happy I would wake up, turn on some music and dance. I swear. If you do 7 minutes, the next week do 10. Keeping it short makes it easier to stay consistent with it. That's the most important thing, consistency. 😊 Hope that helps

[@elifmiss]

@@Val-rd4lbThat was such a kind and nice way to answer and give somone support - I have normally have such a big problem with accepting unsolicitated advice - it feels so fast condescending to me. You on the other hand has just done it so well, describing and explaining your subjective experience.. it has motivated me to put on my gym shoes this week and Im thinking about the resistance bands! Thank you very much! I hope other people have the chance to learn this kind of communication by watching you and you feel better soon, too. I feelk like its not linear, but we'll get through this! Have a lovely week.

[@juliavieira7837]

I think when it comes to women exclusive spaces, we have to understand the importancy of such spaces as a way of women experiencing relief and safety, especialy the ones who have felt violated in every moment of their existence by men. That being said, i don’t think that in those particular spaces we have to consider how men are going to feel excluded from the queer experience or how we’re missing an uportunity to teach them something.

[@schrys2005]

Yeah its like women only part of trains and men go to " experiment " experiment what bro get the f out

[@sckmindfrud]

If it was about learning about the queer experience or whatever why can't he go to a gay/queer bar instead? Why does it have to be a lesbian one?

[@melldent717]

EARTHQUAKES ARE BIG SCARY! I live in Christchurch, New Zealand and was in two massive earthquakes in 2010 and 2011... people were killed and our city was destroyed. It's still being rebuilt to this day. So terrifying. Mak... I feel for you 😢

[@noa_thinks]

another kiwi in the comments! i lived in christchurch during the earthquakes too. it was so surreal and terrifying

[@wendykidd5637]

Another kiwi in the comments, from Hastings, New Zealand, we get them too, haven't had a big one though, just a horrible cyclone this time last year

[@tizz.89]

Another kiwi , from Kawerau , had rattles there often, haven't experienced a biggy, Edgecumbe earthquake was a couple years before my time.. live in aus now. Thank fk don't have any here... yet

[@anaraposo6642]

Hi! I live in the Azores (Portugal) and I just felt my first quake about a month ago. It was SCARY! I woke up with my bed shaking (and I was very much alone that day...😅)

[@noa_thinks]

@@wendykidd5637hope you’re doing okay after that cyclone - it was fkn nasty

[@camrynguzman]

Alayna explaining her anxiety attack is so validating. Whenever I get them I feel ridiculous because it’s never that serious but once you’re in it you just have to get through it and I should work on being nicer to myself❤

[@VictorVonGrooove]

My anxiety is crippling. I've had it all my life. I'm shocked I graduated high school. Back then it wasn't known or recognized as something serious. I was just told to suck it up. While I'm crying hysterically because I have to go to school. I self harmed and to this day I deal with depression. It's BRUTAL! To see Alayna get triggered breaks my heart because I know that feeling all too well and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[@Val-rd4lb]

Alayna im so sorry you have to deal with anxiety. I have it too. I've been to the hospital 3x thinking i was having a heart attack. Controlling your breathing really helps. Just so you know if i could afford it i would literally drive to Canada and take you wherever you needed to go. ❤ You got this girl. I recommend you get a mild sedative and don't take it until you get on that plane.

[@louis0320]

I think this is one of my favorites so far, it’s like a charcuterie board we got a little bit of everything 🤭

[@theembersinside1420]

My "person" (husband) passed away 7 months ago at the age of 38 & he was my 3rd big love in my life. Ppl think their "person" (h8 that expression 😝) is going to be their last & you'll die in each other's arms. But, I think that can be dangerous. Its smart to realize that things can change in a second & not depend on that relationship for a sense of self etc. I'm actually comforted to know that some ppl have many loves in their lives, not just one or even 3.

[@falseprofit9801]

I’m sorry for your loss. :( I agree big time that it’s comforting to know that there’s no “limit” to how much love/how many partners someone can have across their lifetime. 99% of all my extended family married their high school sweetheart and are still together, so I’ve had seasons of feeling like a failure for not fitting that template. But it really doesn’t have to be that way - life happens unexpectedly, and there’s 1,001 reasons for people to have different lovers at different times in their life.

[@theembersinside1420]

@@falseprofit9801 So true! 💯 Thank u.

[@LaNoireDetruit]

Regarding fear of flying ✈ To get over your anxiety, looking up the data etc is actually counter productive (if you do have an actual fear of flying, not talking about getting a little nervous bc you don't fly often). There is an episode on this by neurobiologist Andrew Huberman and a guest who specialises in this stuff that explains in detail and also talks about what you actually should do. The podcast has a youtube channel but more importantly also a website that lets you search for key words and then lists all relevant episodes with timecodes. I really recommend it for all kinds of topics (that tie into neuroscience ob.)

[@theincredibleknuffibar4834]

I'm bisexual *actually* and I totally agree with what Alayna said about bisexual women and attraction to men. I don't care If the guys I date are smaller than me and I LOVE femininity, so I totally would go for the Brooklyn Hipster as well Alayna 😂❤️ Also my first crush was Legolas, I mean he's literally and elf, sooo

[@mytb5350]

The week can start now

[@karisfunkartist]

"i got out of Manitoba - praise be! 🙏🏻" 😂😂😂😂😂 As a Manitoban - i salute you 😂

[@moony788]

This was such a good episode! First really funny and weird cute stuff, then talking about anxiety and then a very good and respectful but still entertaining conversation about the lesbian bar thing. This is why I listen to this podcast!

[@isadorakelly3624]

39:56 We shouldn't be at a LESBIAN BAR thinking about IF A MAN will do something to us. We shouldn't have man in these kind of spaces. "I'm not the kind of person to", well, I guess, good for you, seems you have lived a life not so affected by man violence to be unweary about their mere presence And its very sad you put down the experience of every other person who was subject to them, "do you actually?", why question others experience? The problem is us now ? Not men ? Just in case, can't he go to the hundreds of clubs around? They wouldn't fight for you to be anywhere the way you so passionately made your point in their favor

[@andrewtapio7675]

Great episode so far 😂 cry laughing only twelve minutes in. Great podcast ❤

[@ameleamusic]

Just realized -- is Ashley's hoodie from Minnesota? "Mystic Lake" and then Paul Bunyan and a fish? Seems pretty Minnesota lore

[@JansmaIvy]

We all need to have empathy for everybody’s learning curve!

[@queerlyvictorian]

Fun fact: As someone who was freshman in university when the pandemic hit, online exams can actually still be quite nerve-wracking. There are some programs that we had to use that record you the entire time and mark when you look away from the screen.

[@Raddiebaddie]

Oof!!

[@jasjas4356]

"That's the aftershock I won't recover from" killed me

[@kapowjam3462]

Mak where I live there's a day where the entire state practices for earthquakes. Growing up in school it was a bit more of a deal but they encourage everyone to participate at work and home or wherever you are. California probably has something similar. It can help you be in the mindset that an earthquake may happen but you know what to do if it does. Probably similar to your airplane experiences.

[@Louisyed]

Love Ashley's takes - "Guys, can I jump in and be host for a second? We're done." 😂 Alayna and Mak do need Ashley to keep things moving and inject energy (even with the CP!) I love it, because I'm just like them. This complaint has been made about me many a time - "God, you guys will get onto a topic and just beat it to absolute death won't you."

[@rosebudscott]

There are some really great podcasts about a fear of flying but just like Alayna said, you need to be able to have coping mechanisms for anxiety that you can apply whilst on the plane. Probably the most common trigger for the anxiety is turbulence but it really is extremely manageable for the crew, just wear your seatbelt at all times

[@scubagoldfish45]

Good talk!! Ashley certainly made an entrance for her return. 😂

[@eyeseajujubee]

I can’t imagine going through an earthquake. I would cry too. I’m glad you’re okay Mak!! 💜 I’m absolutely terrified of flying. I take anxiety meds and listen to music on noise cancelling headphones.

[@Raddiebaddie]

39:29 the problem was that the straight in question antagonized a patron of the lesbian bar and then posted on social media complaining that the space wasn’t built for them. As if everything else already isn’t 🤦‍♀️

[@janehilton6235]

I've tried over the years to tackle phobia of flying, with the help of a therapist. As I understand it, phobias would commonly be treated with exposure therapy, which for most of us can't be applied to flying - apart from anything else, it would be too expensive. My incredibly creative therapist did though find a way for me to experience some of the unpleasant sensations of flying by taking me in lifts (elevators) in a very tall building. We went up and down multiple times each week for weeks, until it didn't bother me any more. Feeling I'd tackled one thing which made me anxious on a plane helped with my overall confidence. I sometimes wonder what the guy manning the lift thought we were doing!

[@eh99881]

The way Alayna still says Tom Holland when trying to name Tom Welling got me dyingggg 🤣

[@ironiceilidh]

my dad always says to dare a panic attack to come on. like cmon anxiety, that all you got? wimppp! and it doesn’t feel as threatening if you’re expecting and even encouraging it.

[@enigmatic-hamster]

I always ask my doctor for a couple klonopin before I fly, and I have never had a doctor bat an eye about it. Don’t be afraid to get medication to make flying easier/more accessible.

[@Coorvaldx]

NOT THE EXPEDIA FLIGHTS AD that came up during my flight anxiety during this

[@tuvamartinsgard3402]

BEST END EVER!! ❤❤❤ (that was so funny 😆)

[@finlayrussel2609]

Yay! Podcast time 🥳 Love watching this while getting ready for bed every Wednesday ❤️

[@CarissaWyles]

This episode was chaos 😂 I loved it ❤ definitely a fave

[@kapowjam3462]

Konny couch boy!!! Also how did Alayna not call him Carter??? 😂

[@hi-yo1kq]

Carter couch boy made it onto the pod!!😂

[@IowaTrainGay]

Omg you gals!! 😢 YALL talk so much about the anxieties around flying yet I haven't seen/heard you all take the train... 😭😭😭

[@hollinberries2816]

I just got an add for a prayer app right after the weird turn on convo XD

[@na.thalie.m]

I got an ad for a Drag Race event coming to my city 😅

[@1mysteryunsolved]

Ashely Gavin is my spirit animal!

[@sbark20]

Why did I also start crying at the plane talk. Fml lol

[@someonesomehow379]

the outroo 😭😭

[@nutmeg-an]

I love this podcast and this episode was amazing

[@tarab9081]

I recently learned that Antarctic researchers watch John Carpenters: The Thing after the last flight leaves for the winter and they're trapped for 3 months. By that theory Alayna(or Mak) should watch Alive(or Airplane!) In the waiting area right before getting on the plane.

[@urdelicatepov]

alayna is dead on with that point in the beginning, at least for me. as a bi gal, i typically lean towards men who are a little more feminine (in both presentation & personality). i've also realised recently that a lot of the guys i end up liking are bi men 😭 i think it's because typically bi men are a little bit more comfortable in themselves/their masculinity & aren't afraid to present a little more "femininely." i know there isn't a certain way to be bi, but if someone was to ask me what my type in men is, i'd definitely say bi men lmfao

[@marym7975]

Alayna "oh really? That's so weird." 💀

[@haileygalbraith6260]

The difference between people going to school before the pandemic and during/after is huge, specifically in the perspective of cheating. I do not know a single one of my old classmates that didn’t cheat or plagiarize at least once during the pandemic year. We used to trade assignments like Pokémon cards. I didn’t do a single biology assignment the entire second half of the year. My one friend had me do an exam for them in a class I was not in, so after 40 minutes of KZbin review on the topic, I managed to score a solid C and that’s all that mattered. … Allegedly.

[@Ferx68]

We want a follow up episode telling what happened when Ashley brings Lucas to the bar 😂😂😂

[@carimedueck4082]

Southern Manitoba: Wheat, Corn, Canola, Dairy, Chickens, Pigs, lots of apiaries (beekeepers). That's all I can think of right now.

[@icedoatm1lklatte]

my dad is severely afraid of heights and planes and he always watching plane crash shows and it shows how the plane crashes. i always tell him to stop but, he watches them anyway.

[@hi-yo1kq]

Im watching this in a waiting room and trying so hard not to laugh😂

[@HeyAmandaR]

About 20 years ago, I had to go on a flight, and I hadn't flown in a really long time. I was very, very scared. But, luckily, I was with two other women from my work, who were in sales, and they were constantly going to places and getting flown all around. I felt pretty secure because it was with these two veterans of flying (I was in marketing; it was very rare that I had to leave the office). Anyway, I was nervous and OF COURSE as we're flying, there's mega turbulence, like water sloshing out of my glass, a woman screams in the back, people are gripping their seats.SCARY! We didn't die and meet back up when we land, and I mention the woman that was screaming...and one of the ladies goes, "Yeah, that was me." 😳

[@qaq8409]

I totally get what Ashley was pointing out. I had a question about trans persons (am a cis lesbian) and asked it on reddit (not the most accepting places, I know) and got totally bashed because my lack of knowledge was precieved as disrespect. But it's true that men don't have the moral upper ground when they decide to enter a lesbian bar because of the reasons discussed.

[@onemoresongs]

My anxiety brain flight tip is that I remind myself that the pilots and flight attendants wouldn’t fly the plane if they didn’t think it was safe to do so if they trust that their lives are safe then I trust in them.

[@skylxr060]

There's no way Alayna referred to Tom Holland as Tom hollandaise and everyone just skipped over it 💀😂

[@krigs0910]

As a Minnesotan I love your shirt Ashley!

[@aliviafletcher8926]

Droplets for Gratitude merch, PLEASE MAK

[@yasmint.]

Even though Ashley didn't have the whole story, I agree with the general situation that she argued. A queer person inviting straight people into queer spaces are totally fine as long as the queer person assumes total responsibility for their friend's actions. If the straight friend does something that offends someone/makes them uncomfortable, then they should get kicked out. But if everyone is vibing and not bothering anyone, I don't see the issue. The one time I went to the Cubbyhole, I brought my straight male friends with me cuz I was nervous to go alone. My friends were super respectful, nothing crazy happened, and we all had a good time.

[@ericadecopas]

Here's my very particular lesbian space story. Im cis and bi. I was visiting ny last year and me and my cis gay guy friend wanted to find smth fun to do, and I found this particular party that seemed really cool and it was described as queer. From the description he got the feeling that it was mostly a les/bi space, and he should not go there. We actually spent many minutes looking at pics from the last event to try and understand if gay men frequented the space, and at this point it gets weird because we're looking at ppl and trying to understand if they're cis or not, which honestly I dont think is cool. So in the end we ended up not going. We both chose not to do it so as to respect something that we didnt even know if it was expected of us. Anyway... I really understand where Adhley was coming from here. I totally respect that these spaces are important, and tbh, even as a bi woman I dont really feel welcome in most lesbian bars. That's a whole different story I really dont want to tell. But yeah, I dont have an actual opinion, I just wanted to share how I understand that this is not a comfortable discussion.

[@AnselmGidion]

Nice Ashley, I am with you on the turbulence stuff. My thoughts are that if you pay that much for a plane ticket, and you don't get turbulence, it's like paying to ride a rollercoaster and not getting to go over the drops. Money wasted.

[@NE8675309]

This is the first time I've gotten frustrated while watching the pod. All the specific context about the Lesbian Bar Drama was lost. Ashley said 'this guy can only be here if you clear it for a queer'. Also the dude was aggressive and instigated the issue after the fact. He literally complained 'would it be a problem if I wasn't here with somebody'; the dude was searching for a reason to complain and call himself a victim of prejudice and exclusion.... as a STRAIGHT WHITE MAN. The literal world is built with him in mind. Women have no spaces. Men literally protest Women-Only gyms, which have been created as a response to women feeling harassed and uncomfortable by men in the gym. The societal problem boils down to men not being able to tolerate the existence of anything that isn't catered to them. We literally see it everyday: in media (the prevalence of sexism in male-dominated fandoms anytime a story centers on a women, without sexualizing her), men claiming they have the right to make decisions about woman's bodies, feeling entitled to encroach on a woman's personal space in lesbian/sapphic bars. This whole story is indicative of an entirely systemic issue. Lucas is actually an ally. There is a difference, especially because Ashley acknowledged that as the person who invited him, she would be responsible for him. There was no sense of responsibility or accountability from the straight woman who pushed her way into inviting a straight man to come and gawk at the queerness with her. Actual allies would’ve never taken to TikTok with misinformation to victimize themselves after they started the confrontation.

[@Raddiebaddie]

Thiiisss 💯

[@_asantesana_squashbanana_]

100%

[@isadorakelly3624]

47:26 You can expose yourself to uncomfortable situations, other people shouldn't lose their only space for your little male friend It's crazy how you kind seem to always be willing to bet your community away, and welcoming they out

[@ashgavs]

i think the work ive done for the queer community, including this podcast, speaks for itself. if you don't think it's doing good work or needed work, feel free to start your own! it can only help. and no one knew who i was when i started. best of luck out there.

[@isadorakelly3624]

@@ashgavs You take back any work tou could have ever possibly have done for you community back when you tell them that they should be worrying at a lesbian bar about what if you make friend decided to harrash them When you put straight cis men comfort before lesbian existence you pull us back from any step we took forward. I do guess luck is what I should rely on since, if it depends on you, I will be living for a man's comfort, for his desires and choices even at a lesbian space And there again, you welcome out your people, discredit and disregard their fights and contributions

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

So fun i love it best way to get home from work 😊

[@sarahlyons8059]

Regarding the lesbian bar. I totally understand Alayna’s stance BUT as a queer from Australia where the places from queer women are also zero. One of the biggest reasons lesbian bars can’t survive is because of finance and cash flow. If we exclude every ally that is a cis man (usually earning more money) than it hurts the businesses are these places will continue to struggle.

[@emmmsoul7874]

LET MAK SPEAKKKKK!!! Its sad when they speak over her and interrupt her over and over :(

[@el_2904]

I understand Ashley’s perspective but I think when it’s specifically a queer women’s space, we should prioritise our safety and comfort over letting a cis straight guy into our space to help him feel like a good ally. Otherwise that’s like saying POC should just be happy with and accepting of a white person in a specifically POC space because they’re being a good ally. Doesn’t make sense at all when that one person already is in a position of privilege and can support the community in other ways.

[@minieclaire]

I love a good F😅😅😅 you at the end of the episode LOL

[@mayday5858]

9:53 - 10:03 😭😭this was so funny idk

[@mariannetfinches]

Agree with Alayna on this one. It's not a minority person's job to be a learning experience for allies. I don't think there's a practical solution because what about trans/nb/masc folks etc. But ethically i think that if you're a real ally, you know not to be a tourist. I don't think anyone should have kicked him out. I think he should have known not to go there. Come to a bake sale instead 😅

[@MsBethylou]

I think the thing with the lesbian spaces (or any form of safe space for anyone ie Alayna's example of a support group for men) that there needs to be an understanding and respect paid by the person entering said safe space. Lots of queer women (and just women in general) have had bad experiences with men therefore having a man entering their space needs to understand that fact and be respectful of that fact.

[@ragreen2]

Straight white guy here: Hearing that people can use being a feminist and humor to get women now that I am 60 years old and happily married for 25+ years - Wait I might have been able to 'get women' back when I was single and had an *epic length* drought before I met my wife. Damn, I should have been listening to lesbians decades before ... "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" (in Alayna voice) ... Lesbians make everything better ☺ Love you guys ❤❤

[@CookieFlavored4]

i love all the comments i always see you leaving each episode!! as a young lesbian, i commemorate you 🫶

[@AnselmGidion]

Do you get the anxious part rock climbing? That would bother me much worse than the plane I think:)

[@jasminklager8607]

it's so funny to me that Ashley's imaginary type of man is on her hoodie.

[@LaNoireDetruit]

I did the first love and toxic relationship in one ✌️ And then entered the next relationship knowing all the things I did NOT want in a relationship xD

[@monserratlopez933]

Its surprising for me how scared other countries are of earthquakes, I'm from Chile and here is like an every month thing, if it isnt over 6.5 im not standing up

[@XeclipsedXheartX]

Straight engaged woman here, waiting for my fiancé to magically turn into Rhysand 😂😂 (ACOTAR girlies that get it, get it lololol)

[@brodysstoryrescuehouse8205]

First of all this got put out the same five minutes of a tornado warning in Ohio. Also, ASHLEY IM GONNA SEE YOU THE FIRST IN COLUMBUS VIP 💕 I'm legitimately excited.

[@brodysstoryrescuehouse8205]

Update: we are okay ❤

[@kaiya33123]

I have the same routine on airplanes!!😂😍😍❤

[@AnselmGidion]

Isn't that the discrimination part that happens in reverse at sis bars?

[@hi-yo1kq]

Your answers to the “if I were to date a dude” were very interesting. Because I could definitely not date a very masculine guy. I agree with Alayna. All the guys I have questioned if I’m attracted to are somewhat “feminine” in personality and looks. I find myself thinking he’s almost a woman🤦😂 wtf

[@JuMixBoox]

Wow, this episode really did feel long. I hope Alayna was okay after. I can't imagine what I'd do in an earthquake, that concept is so scary to me because there is no escaping it because everything is shaking. Luckily, I don't have to deal with that in my life. I did, however, recently fly alone for the first time and on a long flight and a big plane for the first time and I realised that I am not afraid of flying, I really enjoy it. That's a weird outlier for my otherwise subpar mental health, but I'm taking it. I'm glad we also got Ashley's opinion on the bar drama, I was waiting for someone to bring up bisexuals and also for that discussion to happen because I don't really have an opinion myself either. I think it's important to have spaces that feel safer than others and free of at least one, or I guess in this case ideally two (sexism and homophobia) huge pressures. And I agree with Alayna that it's not the priority of a space like that to cater to straight men and plan around their experience, but about the experience of queer women. It's always hard to draw lines though, because you want to be welcoming to questioning people who want to see community in a free space because that's what they need, to asexual aromantic women who feel queer and don't have another space but aren't looking to date or hook up there, for bisexuals and non-binary people and just to not exclude anybody based on appearance alone. But making everyone feel safe is only possible if unsafe people don't. It's complicated. If a bisexual woman with a boyfriend wants to bring him there to explore or share her identity, if someone has no queer friends and wants to go and make some but needs the support of their straight friends, I wouldn't want to be the one keeping them out. Although maybe that would be empowering to them, that there is a hard line and they do not have to worry about that aspect at all. I don't know. I don't think people should invade queer POC spaces or queer disabled or Deaf spaces or spaces for religious queer people either but I also know that in reality there often aren't any other queer spaces available to them or those feel less safe and identity and community are always very fluid. I think I've gotten away from the actual question and become very theoretical now, but I think one of the key issues is that respect, like for a place and its people, is not measurable or visible and therefore trust has to be earned and that isn't really possible in a casual interaction. On a way lighter note about bringing your straight friends into lesbian spaces though: I think it would be fun for Lucas to be a guest on this podcast. You've mentioned him on at least ten episodes and he could represent the straight listeners for a bit. I also think I would like to see Mak on his podcast, but I don't think they could handle over three million Gen Z lesbians from TikTok finding out about them.

[@bripk9598]

I think Ashley bringing in a straight friend that is around the queer community a lot and that she would take responsibility for is a lot different than a straight woman bringing another straight friend. He did in fact cause a conflict and she did not take responsibility for it she cried on the internet about mean lesbians when he was the one that took the first question like a punk and then came back to start drama afterwards. That's the major difference to me.

[@nubesvaporosas]

Me as a chilean listening to the earthquake talk like: 💀 4,5 decent size yeah sure. The trauma response is real.

[@averyrider967]

Why does Ashley remind me of the owner of the camp in bunked

[@ablincoln2354]

Wednesday morning at 5 am my family and I woke up to the tornado sirens going off. Long story short there were 5 tornadoes that dropped down and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through. So mak you ain’t along with the natural disaster stuff

[@Talismaniac77]

The annoying thing about the "Air Disasters" show is the airline industry and NTSB is one of the few industries that TRULY tries to learn from every accident to make ALL OTHER flights safer. They examine the mechanical, the maintenance, the pilots mindsets, the airports, air traffic controllers, to make recommendations to make airlines the safest in the world. Its anxiety producing yet oddly reassuring. They spend years to investigate every crash so the mistakes only happen ONCE. My mother is obsessed with it. smdh.

[@Talismaniac77]

Glad you are getting a handle on your anxiety, Alayna. I know some people are terrified of climbing. You are dealing with your anxiety and learning to live with it. "Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain." -Mark Twain

[@trueholayoga]

28:30 stays with me forever

[@sofiairigoyen9888]

i’m from the midwest and my gf’s dad is damn near 7ft tall 😅 it’s def the german genes lol

[@anaraposo6642]

oh, I LOVE you, guys 🥰