The mentality of an abuser + what creates it

[@cornbone]

"people do not respect people they abuse and people do not abuse people they respect" really hit home for me. seeing someone that treats you like dogshit go on to be sweet and respectful to people above or beside them on the social hierarchy really hurts.

[@truthh8597]

I don’t think respect is a factor at all Abusive people are often egoistic and jealous enough to also abuse those beside or above them

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

@@truthh8597 they will only abuse people above them if there's a slight possibly they can get away or else you will NEVER see abusers abusing someone who is above their social status. Abusers tend to be vary of their social status and that's how their abuse gets neglected because other people think of them as sweet and caring when they are far more sinister with people below their social status

[@truthh8597]

@@thesevenkingswelove9554 not true if their jealousy and envy is triggered they try everything underhanded to sabotage undermine and destroy those above and beside them I’m not just saying it.. I have seen it and experienced it several times through life In fact abusers enjoy the takedown of those above them it gives them sadistic satisfaction and joy

[@radioog6945]

Should just remove yourself and not take it personally.

[@belindahutchinson5333]

I know and other people notice it..but they don’t help..actually abusers won’t like if they think you are better than them..they will abuse you for that also! It’s all about them not you. Also not all abusers take drugs or abuse alcohol. They abuse you instead! It’s not about the victims..there is still a huge stigma to that. No they didn’t deserve it! Nor did they provoke the situation. ❤

[@hereiam587]

'Because of the way we're socialized we give the benefit of the doubt way more to abusers than to survivors of abuse' Yes! 100%

[@LARA-sg4bt]

It’s not true tho, it’s a generalization, it’s very much dependent on context.

[@richardspillers6282]

​@LARA-sg4bt well I've lived through it and seen enough other instances to come to the conclusion that they are definitely a protected class.

[@lvod969]

​@@LARA-sg4bt Not at all.

[@LARA-sg4bt]

@@lvod969 both of you are wrong they definitely aren’t. You have anecdotal evidence at best but most people I know hate abusers with a passion

[@lvod969]

@LARA-sg4bt People selectively hate abusers because most people have any extremely limited range of things that they consider to be "real abuse." There is plenty of empirical evidence to back this up.

[@self-deprovement]

Something you said really struck me as true but somewhat incomplete: "Abuse is loving yourself so much, that you don't care about what the other person feels." This can go into the opposite direction too. Some people can become so self-hating and even self-destructive, that they lose sight of how their partner or loved ones might feel. They get consumed by their self-hatred.

[@yellowplasticsporks]

Wow. That was really insightful. You're right and I've never even thought about that before. Thank you for sharing this

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

Yes, I agree more with your statement. The level of self love and the lack of care for other people's feelings are unrelated. The issue is not the degree of self love, it's disconnect. Self hatred is most of the times masked by an exaggeration of "self love". It's self love that comes from the shadow self, not from authentic self love.

[@AnaPsychology]

Absolutely! I should have clarified that self-hatred (and especially when shame gets activated) is also a contributor to abuse.

[@nfbconnect]

At times even project their self hatred outwards to whoever is nearest

[@vultureiraq1168]

Idk about the self love part , I can't really see narcissism as real self love just falsely loving yourself when you have hidden insecurities. I feel saying someone who is abusive just loves themselves too much is too black and white when lovin' yourself of your self esteem comes in a spectrum.

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

Years ago, this book saved my life. I got away before I was killed.

[@aleon117]

Which book

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

@@aleon117 , title: WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

[@multifantv1245]

@@jolesliewhitten6545 I'm glad you were able to get away. Bless you

[@OurDreamsInMotion]

Glad you made it out!🤍🙏🏾✨ Good job for having the courage!

[@MG3887Griff]

The only abuse the legal system rewards is mental and emotional abuse. That said maybe we should oh I don't know say something about it, maybe do something about it?

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

"how many serial killers do we need to hear this from before we start believing it" So true

[@sntfrancisco31]

Actually... The whole "mom/dad is being abusive with me/us because they love us so much" is exactly what I have been told my whole childhood.

[@jimbo7551]

Same

[@sharonthompson672]

Yeah, "I'm not doing this out of anger/hate, I'm doing this out of love." 🤬

[@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver]

I see it in the comments of narc parents pretending to be victims, all the time. "We just loved them so much they turned narc!" Lol that's not how that happens. Narcissism isn't born from a happy family. Every real victim can see through this, every single time.

[@tonybalongna]

@@DelphineTheWorstBladeEverthey turned narc? Narc means narcotics agent

[@Iluvrocket]

Me too!!

[@symonemartinez_art7477]

It stood out for me when you said they act different in front of others and that it's s choice. For awhile i was convinced that my inlaws didn't know what they were doing because the gaslight but they become completely different people in front of others.

[@Mothermochi]

My ex twisted everything until I almost lost my mind. This book changed my life. My ex did all of the things described. I wish Lundy would update this book to account for the landscape of abuse - social media. There are so many new tools abusers and manipulators have at their disposal.

[@nfbconnect]

Me too. This book was one of a handful that saved my life.

[@peterrogers3691]

I don't think people can manipulate you into action, only into false beliefs which can, as a result, turn into certain action. There is a paradigm in programming called *Promises* , and Promises can become _resolved_ or _rejected_ , kind of like in real life, right ? A certain type of _response_ is expected to handle a Promise, and that response varies if the Promise is expected to become fulfilled(resolved) or unfulfilled(rejected). What this means is that you should have an exit strategy so to speak, that will become active according to expected value of a prediction - in other words if the innate belief(a Promise) turns out to be true or false(or whatever is the prediction). But there is also a *Self-fulfilling prophecy* fallacy, which kind of just ruins this - we must reevaluate our logic before action. We are ultimately responsible for action (the response to situations and beliefs) as well as inaction. And sometimes we trick ourselves into false beliefs and make unrealistic promises to ourselves, which turn into a *Self-defeating prophecy* . There is also a *Learned helplessness* phenomena. So, you can account those things to reverse-engineer your logic and find potential errors or deeper insight into your own judgement, and become able to evolve and defeat abusers and manipulators and other scary creatures that hide under our bed.

[@stringcheeseofficial1977]

"But when the world needed him most, he vanished"

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Glad you got away

[@broidkanymore-zc4lt]

u know u could be manipulating us too, right

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

OMG yes!! So true. We, people, tend to think that the abusers are unaware or do it unconsciously but the reality is, as you well say, that they don't act like that in public or near police for example. The abusers DO CHOOSE when and who to abuse! I think it's more complex than that due to a degree of disconnect/dissociation in the process but overall that's a very good point

[@malva6176]

But if they choose to abuse the other person who is there girlfriend/ significant other then that means he does not love her since he doesn’t respect her

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

@@malva6176 different people have different ideas of what love is. I agree with you thought. But for these kind of people, to treat someone badly and that someone remains by their side, is the ultimate sign of love but it's more about the love of the other person towards them. It's not a 2 way street!

[@SemekiIzuio]

@@malva6176 well there are some crazies who take great pleasure in abusing someone and treating them as a possesion because to them they absolutely deserve that person and are entitled to everything they do. And if the can get them to mold them to their liking, its perfectly fine to mistreat them because they like control and power dominance over other people. In conclusion you dont need to rationalize an abusers mental process, they have different unatural abnormal pleasures desires etc.

[@gb917]

Domestic abusers absolutely do act a fool in front of police. You should watch some body xam videos with domestic abusers and stalkers

[@cyndigooch1162]

​​@@gb917That's exactly right and and I'm aware that many of them do treat other people differently, but a lot of them abuse others as well, especially when drunk, or high on meth and other powerful drugs! 🙁

[@jabreonjohnson2027]

I love that you dont enable abusers, its their choice and know what they're doing.

[@Redvelvetkuma]

Knowing we're ab*sive isn't knowing how to be better. We have to work and put in effort to build that up.

[@richardspillers6282]

Don't get it twisted, there are definitely enablers.

[@Justine-yw9xt]

You teach people how to treat you tho but you can’t do that til you know your own self how you deserve to be treated and are healed

[@Justine-yw9xt]

@@Redvelvetkumayou have to feel your own pain and unlearn how you express it

[@Redvelvetkuma]

@Justine-yw9xt I can't unlearn what I've learned, but I can work on myself and create new, healthier ways of doing things. And I am working to better myself, I am healing, instead of acting out.

[@rachelrunner8948]

In French, there is a saying that goes like this "The reason of the strongest is always best" (La raison du plus fort est toujours la meilleure). My ex would respect only people he perceived as being more powerful than him. It’s a really disgusting mentality that also looks very draining to inhabit. A total lose lose.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh, the french version is more poetic than ''kiss up kick down'', but my x fawned over his boss but treated me like an incompetent employee

[@xoxo3703]

“People do not respect the people they abuse and people do not abuse the people they respect”

[@sljones9103]

Not true

[@maam-yj8ph]

I think it also is unfortunately more complex than that. I think people can unfortunately be careless, ignorant, incompetent, and/or neglectful, which can in turn translate to abuse.

[@e.l.2734]

@@maam-yj8ph yeah I guess to some people, some things are just more important than whatever respect they have for you. Still it's the respect that's ultimately being weighted out vs. those priorities, even if respect is in itself a result of many factors. That way, if someone shows they're not good at respecting my or other people's boundaries, I tend not to give them any more space unless everything turns out to be a horrible misunderstanding.

[@pearpo]

💯 % of the time. No Excuses Ever.

[@pearpo]

Being careless or ignorant is disrespect. Or low vibrational manipulator you do not want in your energy.. Whatever the excuse is it is still DISRESPECTFUL & UNACCEPTABLE.

[@BigNoe-u7u]

I dated someone for ONE month... I felt so much anxiety with them and so beat down. When he finally threatened me physically something in me woke up and I lost it. I was ready to fight to the death. Luckily for him, he left calmly.

[@sharonthompson672]

Bullies are cowards. When you call them on their bs they back down. He was pushing to see how far he could go. Good on you for fighting back early. Sadly, he's just honing his skills and will be more subtle on his next target.

[@iwasbornunderwater]

Really important topic. Frustrating when abusers deny that they are abusive.

[@kibbo86]

My ex has accused me of abuse. I'm here doing my best to examine myself in good faith. And I genuinely can't tell if I'm an abuser.

[@mistersquare7327]

Well it is a part of human nature, that`s how it works for many people. Nazi, serial killers, religious fanatics, terrorists, they always somehow justify their actions no matter how evil they might be. Same about abusers, they believe they have a right to harm their victims and ruin their lives.

[@pearpo]

Or worse, project and point fingers at you for what they did.

[@AffectionateSeaOtter]

They HAVE to. It's called evading responsibility and ACCOUNTABILITY. Gaslighting becomes the tool of choice. Also read up on the DARVO technique that all Sociopaths and Abusers use.

[@DRUMJUNKIE]

...and even more frustrating when they deny that they are in denial.

[@ageves8487]

Thank you for not cutting any slack for a person's accountability for their own patterns of thought and consciously permitted behavior and consequences for those actions. No excuse for abuse. Ever.

[@Theoryofjariatou]

I love that you didn’t take away personal responsibility and made that the first point. They know what they’re doing.

[@mehreensmylz2003]

I feel like I'm abusive, thanks for this video. I wanna change myself.

[@EMunaBee]

@Mehreen Smylz Have you done anything to change?

[@mehreensmylz2003]

@@EMunaBee Yeah, I started expressing my love to people and react to other people's anger with laughter.

[@donnabat7808]

Try to increase your awareness and maybe check your impulses. I know it’s easier said than done. But the more you understand and recognize certain beliefs/conditioning, the less power they’d have over you.

[@radioog6945]

Congratulations!

[@birdbeakbeardneck3617]

​@@mehreensmylz2003thou some anger is healthy and the angry people might mistake you laughs as you ignoring, being apathic and not understanding where their anger comes from and instead mocking it.

[@BBFCCO733]

My father abused me from childhood until adulthood. I had decided that how I was feeling wasn't right and I went n/c its been 4 years. All these years I though I deserved the abuse and that punching me in the face a few times as a young woman, strangling me with a phone cords and treating me less than dignified in so many ways, when brought up to him, wanted me to pretend it never happened. There is something seriously wrong with these people. Everyone has trauma, but when you are taking it out on others, it's time to get help. I also believe that their beliefs are limited and can't see past their own ideas and don't seem to understand that other realities exist besides their own, and that's ok, it's not a flaw or worthy of their punishment. People who enable them give them their power. They are terrified of being alone, because that means they have to deal with their issues.

[@mushroommagic1697]

Abusive people are very charismatic. That is why they are believed when they play the victim. I observed this from my own experience with those worms.

[@Peruvian_Sky]

It's so infuriating. My sister is psychologically abusive and I can't tell anyone because they would never believe me. She is so friendly and charismatic around others, and my extended family. It does make me question my reality sometimes

[@broidkanymore-zc4lt]

@@Peruvian_Sky get a hidden camera so u can expose her

[@damnablethief]

Glad you made it out

[@OstelanoRomero]

This video is very eye opening, everything you just said describes my father and the generations before, I hope more men are catching on to the cycle of abuse. The lack of positive male figures is having a exponential cost on society

[@katiedirgo981]

I just feel like I really want him to watch this video so he can understand what he's done to me, but at the same time, listening to this video, learning that they already know what they're doing, it's just hard to accept that someone could be so cruel and be aware

[@SmoothOpe_]

It’s a scary wake up call that people like this exist in the world

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

​@@SmoothOpe_Exactly. They just don't care.

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

If he were capable of accepting responsibility for his actions (and let's be honest, he chose to do the things he did and to whom) then you wouldn't have to ask him to watch it in the first place (at least that's how I feel about my own husband: Deny, deflect and claim victim is what I predict what would happen if I tried).

[@kristinmeyer489]

People are socially conditioned to view abuse as only physical. Psychological and emotional abuse is insidious inasmuch as it's quite easy to be or become the proverbial frog in a pot of water adjusting the "temperature" until it no longer can. When people don't understand they are being abused emotionally, they often regress and act out. This feeds straight into the real abuser's twisting of the narrative. The people around the two players actually see the opposite of the truth, because to them, the emotional flailing around the real victims do appears as wrong as it is, with attribution bias applied.

[@JulianaAndersson]

My mom would poke me until I would get mad and then tell me (and my family) how much of an angry person I am

[@Peruvian_Sky]

​@JulianaAndersson my sister would do the same. It's gaslighting

[@inathi1329]

This video made me think of Bell Hooks' book 'The will to change' which talks about how men get socialized into normalizing violence and how notions of masculinity are reinforced over and over again within patriarchy, by mothers and fathers, both women and men in general, and social structures.

[@rayikes6231]

the way my dad fits all the criteria... hearing the words he said to me repeated in this video kinda hurt im ngl. and he still denies it. thanks for this video, i appreciate that u reiterated that abuse is a CHOICE

[@nazanosman5771]

Thank you so much for making this video. I am currently in a domestic violence refuge after severe lifelong abuse from family and then I started to get abused by a trusted friend when they were drunk. I went to our mutual friend who works in a domestic violence charity to confidentially open up about why the hitting and other things were making me uncomfortable and the mutual friend told the abuser and I got accused of lying and cut off from the entire friendship group (even though this person does this to other people). Everyone in the group believes the abuser and I have genuinely been struggling so much but the services at the refuge I'm hoping will save my life. Ive never felt so alone and sad but I guess its reassuring to watch these videos because it shows me I will hopefully meet others in the world who will be my friend and would never side with an abuser. Thank you for making this content as its so essential ❤️

[@centeredmuslim3436]

I truly hope you are doing well and healing. Please dont let the abuse of losers get to you. I ask God to give you a way out and put you with beautiful people.

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

"Drunken words are sober thoughts" and "a man who lacks self-control is bad news" (mine by the way) are my new moto's. Great content and delivery. Thank you.

[@suzsiz]

That distinction between passion and abuse is so important.

[@spencerbrown3875]

The big difference is passion doesn’t hurt the other person

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

A friend told me years ago, "Passion is just another form of rage".

[@liminalzone909]

As a dad of a 14yr old daughter I'll be showing her this. It's so clear. Especially about the abuser being ultimately responsible for their actions despite all circumstances. I think my daughter moves in good circles with good male friends so far but we're all susceptibility to charm.

[@tinaperez7393]

👍👍👍👍👍👏👏🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯⭐⭐⭐ I'm sending this video to all the kids (including boys) and girls in my family life. I've struggled to understand abuse all my life - what causes it, why is it still so prevalent and seemingly getting worse (Trump and Maga, the internet manosphere, etc), how to spot it, how to avoid it, can it be fixed society wise, etc, etc. --And this video is so helpful in answering those questions.

[@elolife1375]

As a guy, this hit home. Thank you. You're channel is a blessing.

[@mullcrumthesage]

Mothers humiliating and belittling their children..this will be a huge factor.

[@elijahhernandez906]

She should do a whole seperate video series on that, especially the religuous types.

[@anadubar4819]

No, haven't you watched the video?? At around 14:15 she says that research shows that abusive mothers do not so much lead to the children being abusive, whilst abusive fathers very much so. But with some people, reality and research and studies will never interfere with their own wishful thinking, and that is that women are responsible for the ills in society, whilst men are the victims. The reversal of the truth, an abuser's tactics.

[@HebiNoMe]

@@anadubar4819 My toxic traits i inherited from my mother. I grew up being parentified and shamed by her, and so i learned to do the same which showed up in a past friendship of mine.

[@johnasamoah8668]

I haven’t watched her videos in a while and I saw this in my subscription feed. I forgot how insanely high quality this channel is.

[@yesreneau]

Can confirm-the book is incredible, and it does change your life.

[@LorenzoGonzalesBrady]

I’ve been abusive in past relationships. I’m working on changing my behavior and mindset.

[@IronsharpensIron4]

❤You can’t completely change with your own strength -you must believe in Christ and ask him to give you the strength. He will!! He healed me and changed me. ❤️Pray, read your Bible, and fast! Be encouraged!! Fight the good fight!

[@broidkanymore-zc4lt]

thats what abusers can say to try and manipulate others 😂😂

[@jujutsucryin3256]

My ex didn't do all of these things but he did enough for me to feel like I was emotionally and verbally abused. I think things would have gone differently had I talked to my family about things earlier on but he got upset both times I had talked to them so suggested we keep relationship stuff between us because he didn't want their perception of him to get messed. I didn't oblige out of respect it was because I was scared he would find out I was talking to them about our relationship. He told me he regretted telling me to do that after we broke up 5 years later but by that point it didn't matter and I had bottled up everything that happened in our relationship. If you were to ask both of us about our experience in our relationship it would be like comparing utopia to dystopia. He felt I had ripped away a perfect relationship from him while I was always in a state of turmoil, lack of sense of self, and walking on eggshells to name a few. I haven't been able to figure out why our realities were so different we just couldn't ever stay on the same page.

[@lovinsmoshlovinhiga]

This is very eye-opening! My best friend is in an abusive relationship and mentions all the excuses that you mentioned. Can you talk about how to support a friend who is in an abusive relationship?

[@christina4018]

She’s very lucky you’re supportive because most so called friends want nothing to do with you once they realise what you’re going through. You don’t fit in to their cosy pleasant situation and your pain offends them. I’m talking from personal experience , the people that have supported me were few and far between and I appreciate them more than I can say. I’ve heard you only want to escape an abusive relationship once the pain level gets to 10+ on a scale of 0 - 10. The only thing you can do is point out the patterns in the cycle of abuse gently, and plant the seed that it’s unacceptable, as I missed this as it was right in my face and I blocked things out to convince myself it wasn’t that bad. I’ve reached 10+ eventually and I’m trying to deal with the legal side of things, not easy either with the mentality Ana describes so accurately. Whatever you do don’t tell her she must end the relationship, she won’t want to hear that and it won’t work, has to be her decision or she won’t follow through.

[@israel963]

The biggest thing is knowing it’s not an accident on the abuser’s part TBH? It’s completely systematic. They feign excuses… It’s just feigning. It’s completely intentional. They know exactly what they’re doing.

[@LeahDyson-kq4bd]

Eye opening really this is like just say no..don't abuse mmkay because it's bad and don't get abused mmkay because it's bad

[@Samraagyi]

People like you give me hope in this world. Thank you for looking out for her.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

I would like to see a video on enablers. Why do they defend liars and dangerous predators. Why do some people get angry at survivors of abuse. Why does society victim blame. Why doesn’t society take friendship abuse seriously. Why do some mental health professionals participate in defending all manner of abuser. What drives the mind set of the different types of enablers. We wouldn’t have so much abuse if we could address this.

[@EMVelez]

Enablers do nothing because they benefit from upholding the status quo. As for mental health professionals who enable abuse, it is often because they are covert abusers themselves. There are a lot narcissists in that particular profession.

[@orbismworldbuilding8428]

Fawning, is a survival mechanism that looks like stockholm syndrome, people pleasing, and siding with an abuser. They often do it because they'd rather be on an abuser's "good side"

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Or abuse that you endure at the workplace. People just continually tell you that this is how it is and you’re taking things personally and blah blah blah. No, no NOOOO! The answer is that people should not be abusive to other people. That is THE ONLY answer.

[@LeahIsHereNow]

@@EMVelez 🎯🎯🎯 Mental health workers often exult themselves as gods of sorts, labeling and judging other people’s behavior, but never looking at their own. I’m 100% convinced that a percentage of them get off on false feelings of superiority.

[@adrienne_despisespronouns]

Stockholm Syndrome, there

[@ruthbarr3159]

Therapists often do harm, they automatically want to see the good in people, but some people are evil all the way through.

[@scaredsanty857]

This video is such a great summary, i'll send this to anyone who's interested in this topic

[@samco63]

This was such an excellent explanation! I have read this book before but will pick it up again. I’ve just started dating again and have had a near miss with someone showing coercive control behaviours, but for some reason I can’t seem to wrap my head around that I’ve dodged a bullet. I just feel heartbroken! He basically discarded me (partly) when I tried to set a boundary. But he did often post very misogynistic things on social media which I gave excuses for as just “jokes”. But they were awful. One was a man behaving passive aggressively and slapping a woman on her back and calling her “mate” when a woman didn’t “give” him sex… and funnily enough, he posted that when I didn’t sleep with him… but then he acted like it was just a coincidence. He says he knows you can’t hit women, but I think he uses other psychological and emotional tactics (such as He also has a LOT of women on social media that self objectifying. As in over 1000, including women in sex work, and he likes every single post of all of these women… and gets really distracted by women in public to the point he will miss what I’m saying completely. It’s like I’m not even there. He’s never given me a compliment but yet can easily “joke” around giving insults (I can take it on the chin and have a sense of humour), but it’s constant, and not balanced with empathy when I’m having a bad day, or a compliment when I Dress up and look nice, or do something nice for him.

[@alessandramon8452]

You have to give it time! Your feelings will follow your actions and rational decisions if you give them time. The mental and emotional freedom you will get later on, will be much better than the occasional rush you get when you feel “approved” by him when he wants to.

[@samco63]

@@alessandramon8452 thank you for your reply! It’s so hard in these early stages, so I’ll try and be patient and give it time, rather than running back and chasing - you’re right, it’s that “rush” and at the end of the day it’s not worth it.

[@alessandramon8452]

@@samco63 yes! I saw it in at least two of my friends recently. One of them was being treated like a girlfriend by the guy without him actually “granting” her the title. She tried and tried for a year until she had enough and left him. Now he regrets everything and begs her to reconsider. She refuses to come back. Why? Because she’s so much happier now! And her happiness comes from within. The way she acts and thinks…you can see she wouldn’t change it for anything. It’s inspiring to me. Every time I get in a mediocre situation, I think of her and how I will be able to feel in the future if I’m just strong enough.

[@samco63]

@@alessandramon8452 ah this is amazing! Thanks for sharing your story about your friend. Good on her! I’m so glad she’s in a much better place now and won’t go back for anything. I’m going to use that as my inspiration to keep moving away from this guy too. It’s already getting a bit easier, and after spending a weekend with people who fill my cup, I’m already feeling a bit stronger. Now I just have to execute the no contact plan I had, and stick to it better.

[@Alinda1308]

Well, you're human, it's normal to be heartbroken when you got hurt. Eventually you are going to truly believe you have dodged a bullet, but first you need to accept the pain and really allow yourself to feel it

[@lc5666]

This book was one of just a few key elements that got me out of an abusive marriage. It gave me clarity at a time when everything felt so muddled.

[@Jomcleod666]

I think this was absolutely the best you tube video I’ve watched lately. Really helped me understand where I stand today and where I came from 15 years back. I’m married to an abusive partner . We haven’t lived together for 15yrs but have tried to be a family just with two houses . Why ???? Because he has had the last 15 yrs to confuse the hell out of me and question my own behaviors . I’m so glad I watched this video. This has set me straight with zero doubts.

[@sylwiapro2791]

That's a very important topic, thanks for spreading the knowledge. This is probably the most important book I've ever read. Unfortunately after a long period of trying to find help during and after a narcissistic relationship and becoming more and more gaslit and confused. One of the results of educating myself on the topic is I just don't see many people who are not in some way patriarchal in their views and, even if they're not downright abusive, it irks me and puts me off. I've been single for a long time and I honestly even have a hard time finding a person to fantasise about, let alone be in a relationship with. Not sure where to find good people or maybe it's just better to just let people get away with some subtle sexist views and/or try to educate them?

[@YourMoonShine]

I have the same problem. I've been single for many years but still haven't found any solution where to find safe/healthy people

[@allengamble2805]

I

[@HubbaBubbaSparx]

Hi Dr. Ana, thank you for highlighting these characteristics in abusive men. My father embodies many of these traits, and I can recount many points in my life from childhood to adulthood when my father would say and do things very abusive and present an alternate version of what he did and why. So far, I haven't seen any videos where you discuss abusive women and , I think it's equally important to discuss that facet of abuse as well. I'm a man and have been in an abusive relationship for several years, but having society recognize women can be just as abusive to men is very hard to accomplish. Mind you, she's made important changes in how she behaves, treats and views me; it's not without much suffering and sacrifice on my part though. I've had conversations with her and her sister telling them, "there are times where it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To NOT repeat the behaviors I grew up around. But I hated it (the behaviors of my abusive father) when I was a kid, and I don't want to repeat that." Exploring the issue of abuse by women is equally important and would enlighten many people to the reality abusive people can, truly, be anyone of any gender, size, or race. Hence, recognizing what it looks like in women is paramount to avoiding it in the first place. Much respect to you for this important video, Dr. Ana!

[@AngelCoyoteMusic]

One of the most important books I've ever read... Thank you for speaking this information out where it will reach more people.

[@MariaAraujo-bj5sl]

Thank you so much for this video. I feel so seen, I got out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago and am still experiencing symptoms from that time and my paranoia is crazy high all the time

[@GlizzieMcGuire]

Fascinating video, It made me examine myself and my possible abusive behaviors. My last relationship of 5 plus years ended last year and truthfully I see myself in some of these tactics. Thats not to say she was perfect but I can only hold myself accountable

[@shannonluck5066]

Best to you in your path of growth! 🎉

[@ElexusLovesHerLife]

My ex had an issue with drinking, he always down played it but his drinking triggered me. I just thought of what the future would hold if I took our relationship seriously. I was worried that the abuse would follow if we started a life together. The last time we got back together he said he was not drinking anymore and then a few weeks later I see a Snapchat post of him at a bar… I knew it was the end and I plotted my escape. I broke up with him while I was out of town and I blocked him on everything. I do not have time to play with my life, I’ve seen this pattern before.

[@solutionsforabrightfuture3579]

I have never been drunk and I am terrified of being drunk. The idea of not being in control of my self is a horror movie.

[@E4439Qv5]

I could never be a functional alcoholic, because I'm not "functional" in the first place...

[@LilBrownieD]

my takeaway was abusive people having no conscience

[@Krissy_888]

They do, their mind just works overtime to disassociate their ego from it via justification.

[@brit9141]

@@Krissy_888THIS!

[@pearpo]

That is having no conscience if they disassociate it..

[@Pielobyte]

Nope! Emotional dysregulation plays a huge part

[@HeyyitsHaylie]

As someone who is married to an emotional and verbal abuser, YEAH BASICALLY:))):

[@wallycola5653]

Could you do one on workplace abuse? I had an experience with an abusive boss and I'm recognizing a lot of those behavior patterns in this video

[@AnaPsychology]

That's a great suggestion, thank you

[@whattomakeofit3436]

I am usually looking for this topic. I like how you connected the dots like I did. 💯

[@sylwiapro2791]

I'd just like to mention a book that talks about workplace abuse, among other types of abusive relationships. It's called Stalking The Soul, by M-F Hirigoyen.

[@tommyparkerparker]

I had a boss that was abusive at home and it eventually spilled over into the workplace.

[@EbonyHoopGyal]

I’m glad you brought up the point that just because someone’s under the influence doesn’t mean they weren’t aware that they were being abusive. Because I am not naïve, I am a grown woman. I have many friends who I’ve drank with who we simply had fun laughed cried and fell asleep in each other’s arms. But certain men in my life have tried to corner me alone in isolation and when they get drunk they become volatile. That’s a choice.

[@Soma2501]

This describes my narcisistic mother entirely

[@belindahutchinson5333]

Wow...that is so bad they don’t even see you as human! Yes their behaviour especially over years or decades shows they only care about themselves.

[@sliceofloving]

I deal w stalking abuse, they call me chaotic to deflect their entitlement to harass me. Instead of letting go of their attention towards me.

[@E4439Qv5]

Good pfp for that.

[@kenzot2961]

Thank you for providing a video that opened up my eyes to the mentality of abuserers

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you for the super!

[@asmrsona3170]

This is not only a good way to look at domestic abuse, but I believe this psychoanalysis can be expanded to abusers in all sociopolitical situations. Of course there are different dynamics at play regarding what abusers can get away with in different situations, but abusers will always seek to take advantage of any system that can help them perpetuate their power over others. Sadly, it seems that the number of abusers in our society is increasing (or at least their openness about their desire to use abusive tactics for their own ends is) and they have enough allies and appeasers to continue many of their abusive ways. What we need is people willing to asserts boundaries for victims/survivors of all forms of abuse and also to reform/rebuild/reimagine systems and processes that abusers are able to use for their own ends. Otherwise the cycle will continue as abuse is mirrored in how societies and families construct themselves. The big takeaway though - abuse of any kind is never okay!!!

[@samco63]

Oh also, I was already getting “punishment” of him dropping offline and not reading my messages even when online, if I take too long to respond to a message, or if I’m not available last minute to see him… It made me terrified of being abandoned so I would constantly respond quickly or jump to see him, so he didn’t replace me.

[@AdrienneJung.M]

Lundy Bancroft is the best on the subject of abuse

[@JoyKayEnn]

Thank you so much for this video. You have really opened my eyes to things I previously allowed but never will again.

[@cajuncrackerranch7990]

Very impressed and very proud of you. Thank you for making this video and the content. Keep up the great work young lady.

[@ewalichorowicz4614]

Thank you so much for this excellent video! 🙏❤️😊This is absolutely 100 percent true about abusers.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I read that book after I left my x. It was such a relief to see these strategies in print. I don't think my x saw them as strategies. He was just getting his needs met and how that impacted on me was not something he could fathom. In his eyes, if I just obeyed better, everything would have been fine. In the run up to my escape, I just put up and shut up and tried to obey as best as I could. He said to me ''we're getting on really well'' and he was congratulating me for the life having left me.

[@GracefulGardenia]

Thank you for reinforcing this message. So important for those of us staying strong.

[@yehmen29]

Thanks Ana. I've been brought up to be a doormat and to bend backwards to accommodate other people. It's been really detrimental for me job wise and while living in houseshares and hostels, and even when renting a flat on my own. I'd let landlords and letting agents walk all over me, drop in without an appointment, in the evening, at the weekend... On the other hand, thanks to my experience of physical violence and rape from an early age, I have never been in a relationship, which means I have avoided conjugal violence and rape.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I relate. I was raised to be a doormat, but when I brought that with me to relationships and jobs and friends and house-shares (yes, i always ended up with the smallest room but yet paying exactly the same for it) I was shamed for being so unsuccessful and perpetually single. I'm still single. I don't think that matters anymore. Nobody has abused me for over 18 years now. So that's good.

[@alexkuieh1565]

"The mentality of an abuser" has become my search term here at KZbin to explore this subject more. Thank you!

[@expensivepink7]

This book saved my life last night. I am not kidding.

[@cda6590]

"Let's get straight into it. What causes abuse?" *Que 1970's commercial jingle with a wide-pan shot of a random lake* Keep up the good work. If things go my way professionally, I will be working with a population whose highest comorbidity is PTSD. Because these people have a communication disorder, especially as children, they are very obviously susceptible to be victims of abuse, leading to very understandable trauma responses. Although I grew up with the same disorder, I was fortunate enough to not experience this abuse as a child (almost certainly because I was born a dude--which carries with it its own particular struggles), but I did grow up around abuse. Not only did I bear witness to the consequences of what happens when a "man" thinks he has the right to control the bodies of helpless girls, I saw these victims live the majority of their lives either concealing what had happened to them or being shunned and ignored whenever they did reach out for help. Don't even get me started on the whole "statute of limitations" bullshit. I might be autistic and struggle extensively with my romantic life (or lack thereof), but I have never even had so much as the urge to lay a hand on any woman; as such, the psychological mentality necessary to not only commit these actions, but to rationalize them as well, is completely alien to me. Hell, the first time I did accidentally find myself with a girlfriend, she and I had an argument about the fact that I refused to yell at her when we disagreed. Still, after speaking with quite a few victims who experienced many varieties of abuse, I can pretty confidently say nobody is ever "asking for it" and some of the weird gaslighting/mental gymnastics these victimizers use is disgusting and dehumanizing. 18:40 Speaking as a disillusioned white boy myself, I am--and always have been--appalled by the logic employed by some of the people who happen to look like me. Even just getting butthurt over feminism because you have difficulties talking to women is such a stretch of the imagination. These people either lowkey want to enslave women with "enforced monogamy" or are so brainbroken that they can't see the true root cause of the current disintegration of human socialization: Our morbid obsession with technology. Anyway, thanks for being a dim light in a very dark place. You did a pretty good job of balancing an academic-based explanation behind the psychology of these men without going down the temptation of manhating.

[@toserveman9317]

Your post screams "unaware and bad at sex."

[@birdieava]

I’ve been wanting to read this book, but I can’t because of my Dad. I really needed this video, thank you so much!

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

Your advice and knowledge is phenomenal .. I wish you the best in your career , keep sharing your wealth of knowledge , for us ppl in the dark 😊

[@ambititer6867]

Substances can absolutely change people and make them abusive. I think however it's up to someone to drink responsibly and understand what they're like when they're drunk. I think it's actually questionable that alcohol merely lowers our inhibitions, it does so much more than that and people make decisions and do things that are nowhere near what they secretly desire or secretly wanted to to.

[@solutionsforabrightfuture3579]

If you never drink alcohol, then you will never have to find out.

[@HebiNoMe]

Yes. There is plenty of research pointing to the fact alcohol dramatically rewires the brain, and not necessarily in a good way. It doesn't merely lower inhibitions.

[@originelly1568]

Something that I already knew due to longterm therapy - but each and every single trait of abuse that you mentioned here applies to my mom, and I can give at least five examples for each, just from the top of my head.

[@DapperParanormalInstigator]

From personal experience I feel like the "I just love you so much it makes me crazy some times" line in a parent/child dynamic comes in the form of "I'm always going to be your parent, I just want to make sure you're okay" to justify boundary crossing attempts of control and invasions of privacy. I heard that a lot well into my young adulthood when I still lived with my parent and was making my first attempts at independence and cutting the enmeshment/codependency cords.

[@valenciagoth2795]

This was extremely insightful and validating. Thank you so much.

[@tatertot6758]

Thank you for recommending this book. Just got it in the mail the other day!

[@jesseskellington9427]

I truly appreciate your work! 😊

[@whow486]

I personally don't even think narcissism is a thing. there's only abuse.

[@DarraghMcCarthy]

One related behaviour I have observed in people (not to the extent of abuse) is a lack of sensitivity towards how they make others feel. Not inherently malicious intent, but a genuine deficit in ability to compute the weight of another person's feelings. So that when the other person retaliates in response to some indiscretion, the perception is that the reacting person has disturbed the equilibrium, as though the initial provocation had never happened. Some abusers are calculating I won't deny. But I suspect many abusers are dysregulated and desensitised to their own harmful behaviour. What's normal and acceptable to them, is literally abusive to others. Their habitual way of relating to people closest to them is abusive, but they don't really feel it

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh, heidi priebe has a great video about how people with low self-esteem have difficulty comprehending that their behaviour has an impact on those close to them. It's tied up with their low self-worth. It's not an excuse! and it doesn't make it all ok, but it does explain why you can be begging somebody to stop insulting you and they react like YOU HURT THEM (and it's not an act)

[@carrie5599]

All the videos I watched about abuse this is the most accurate and down to the point

[@sagebreeze]

That book saved my life.

[@thebee0320]

The abuser deflection is really hitting me rn. My girlfriend's birth giver accuses me of abusing her ever since she moved out and moved in with me. She has scars from her mom's hitting and throwing things. Her mother was incredibly emotionally abusive and I somehow got her out. EDIT: I am revisiting a year after. That girl and I are now split. I was blind to her behaviors. I encouraged her to take a break from her family because they had been straight up abusive, and she then accused me of being abusive because I was trying to supposedly control her. She's now in a new relationship, and news got to me that her new partner said the same exact thing and she has rescinded her statements. Abusers weaponize victims against each other.

[@jmfs3497]

This all shockingly aligns with my experience working with an OCPD manager. Controlling, entitled, twisting words, etc.

[@CYNTHIAAAkitty]

Abusers do not love themselves too much, it’s about them protecting themselves, they are AFRAID, if a person knows what love is then they share it, love does not hurt others.

[@camellia8625]

This book changed my life. I would not have left my then abusive situation without it’s insights.

[@bobwilliams7056]

Great information, I was married to a very abusive woman, in line with all the things you are talking about. Not once after much counseling did she every accept that she was abusive both physically and mentally. Finally one day I came up with the 4 strike method, any abuse we are going to counseling to work things out, until then I would stay in a safe place. She struck-out and is still the same way today over 30 years later sadly. I used to tell people she is much different when the door closes at home. I think she thought I was an easy mark to play her games. Strange enough she was shocked that I would divorce her...she could not understand it?

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh 18 years have passed and my x still hates me for leaving. He treated me like shit while i was there but literally hates me with a surprising amount of energy even 18 years later. My daughter ''dumped him'' when she was about 14, but I worry so much about his influence on our 18 year old son. He is turning out just like his father 😞

[@stephaniegrover2250]

Thanks!

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you!

[@allengamble2805]

Very enlightening. It solidifies my opinion of some of these social media influencers and those who who are out there being predatorial. I hope to find a internship somewhere so I can begin to attain hours for myself.

[@olives.twisted.branch]

OmG this is so hard to listen to but also so important and necessary to understand. Ugghhhh

[@102ferg]

Identify the coercive control dynamics. Identify the imbalance of power dynamics. Differentiate between intentional abuse, reactive abuse and mutual abuse.

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Reactive abuse needs to have a different name. It’s more of a reaction to abuse. Words matter.

[@nnn70]

Thank you Ana, male violence against women is rarely talked about

[@femmefatale71]

Yet EXTREMELY prevalent.

[@SimpLeton-j9y]

😂😂😂 rarely talked about?

[@user-ex8hu1ix1c]

Can you do more on self-help? If we notice we unconsciously project abusive behavior but we actively want to stop

[@jeanmbuangi5684]

Exactly what's I am going through and I gets to the point to defend myself and it got physical, with him justifying it as defending himself. I am leaving, I got a place and got so upset. Now we got a protection order so I can leave peacefully Thank you so much

[@yumadnan3345]

Hi ana! Thank you so much for this incredibly insightful video, it really shed a lot of light on how abuse gets validated by society. I wanted to ask, if it isn’t too much trouble, would you ever consider doing a video on how to reclaim your agency/self worth after abuse? Your self esteem videos are so helpful, I would be interested in seeing one with a focus on recovering after abuse

[@EbonyHoopGyal]

You know what confuses me the most about abusive men? Is why do they not go online like on Reddit or four channel or even KZbin and find people to argue with to release their aggression? Why choose your partners and your children and the mothers of your children.

[@Infranodyne]

Because they have a need to control their family, not strangers. Abusive people are abusive only to those they seek to control... by any means.

[@Olivia-kt9gr]

They can do both

[@linda01234567890]

I'm not going to cry about it like so and so, is an abusive statement. We are not able to recognize our own abuse as our everyday cliches we pick up from others are not offensive to our clique but may offend another unintentionally. I'm unaware of the cartoon movie to have any opinion. Really great video, I am fairly certain abusers are mentally ill and Insane Asylums need reopened for these men.

[@sweetpea6230]

Wow great explanation. This was my life for 6 years. Thanks to god and the universe, I was able to get out 🙏🙏🙏

[@Shirley-c7s]

they never admit or feel bad.. Trust your gut..

[@heidip1782]

Can't wait for the book and video about abusive women

[@johnnysocket76]

I found your videos a while ago and recently started watching them a lot more. I love your content 🖤

[@thehoneygrabberz]

in my experience, something that led my abusive ex to be abusive were her insecurities. She was constantly acting out because of her insecurity, because she felt entitled to love from specific people, and when things went her way she'd shift the blame for things that happened to me. It's like she's a master at lying to herself

[@k.e.l.5889]

I love how concisely you were able to put it.

[@natural3362]

Abusive people are also eager to possess you to the point of abusing or killing you to prevent you from leaving They see you as a punch bag, the bag they transfer their misery to