The Pursuer/Distancer dance and How we can liberate ourselves from it !

[@ThePotentialState]

So are you the distancer or the pursuer in your relationship?

[@paulrevere8470]

I’m the distancer, you nailed it spot on, this has helped me so much mentally I didn’t know I was in this dynamic. So this is like a real eye opener. Thank you for your advice, I will apply my new knowledge to my relationship and see the change I didn’t know needed to happen. Again, thank you.

[@ThePotentialState]

@@paulrevere8470 Thanks for watching and commenting. Glad the video was helpful. Good luck!

[@myleszayd4712]

i realize it is pretty off topic but does anybody know a good website to watch new tv shows online?

[@elementalgolem5498]

pursuer, i decided to "cut the pursuit" today, hopefully she will get the alone time she needs, the problem for me accepting this was i had a gut feeling she was cheating when that distance started appearing (i understand i shouldnt let past experiences affect current relationships but its hard mentally) this was about 1 week into this distance, that i kept pursuing... before the feeling hit me it was more of a is she really me or is she in it for something else

[@ThePotentialState]

Yes. It’s hard to make that “leap of faith” and stop pursuing but it’s really the best way to soften this dynamic. You both deserve to be in a relationship where you’re courted, seen, desired, and loved. Good luck!!

[@ivywildwss]

This video taught me a lot. Either ours is not a true Pursuer/Distancer relationship, or my spouse is not a Distancer, we're something else. He is high anxiety, a worrier & self-admittedly emotionally immature. He's a loving person, just has trouble sharing and expressing how he's really feeling, like more "emotional overwhelm". I'll have to watch more to learn how to better connect.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching and commenting. Why don't you watch the video together and have an honest conversation about it? That could open an interesting connection. Just a thought :)

[@mlhamiltonanderson5940]

As a therapist, a) I notice that the pursuers tend to have a fear of abandonment (trauma wound). If you can heal the trauma (eg: with EFT) then the pursuer can stop feeling compelled to pursue. Their anxiety decreases and they can reduce/cease seeking approval/reassurance externally. b) I notice the distancers have had a parent who was dependent on their child for emotional connection. The burden on the child became suffocating and overwhelming. Sometimes the child (as an adult) is able to escape by moving to another city, etc. However, subconsciously they tend to attract this same kind of person as a partner (perhaps this is repetition compulsion) in an attempt to heal their original wound. I would love to hear your thoughts Dr Romanelli.

[@ThePotentialState]

Hi. This is an interesting analysis. I focus less on attachment styles in the clinic so I haven’t noticed these correlations. I did notice that both partners have similar levels of Diffrentiation and difficulty in mature intimacy. (That’s why they’re together). Thank you for that very interesting analysis. Good luck

[@chris-dempsey]

oh my god. This hits home. Do you take couples clients?

[@xDonJuanx]

From a family system's perspective, these roles are not static. They're dynamic. If the pursuer will give up pursuit long enough, the distancer will stop distancing (and will pursue as well). It's a reciprocal relationship, with the partners trying to find the right balance of closeness and distance.

[@whynot4]

This is an excellent video. Thank you so much. Please keep making videos 😊

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank you! Will do!

[@MariaEduarda-nd5sc]

Excellent video. Thank you so much

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting.

[@karinj7243]

You are a great person who touched my heart and made me clearly recognize old and hidden patterns-thank you❤🙏 Furthermore you convey a message I also support from the depth of my soul:we are all worth being loved.. ❤ I feel grateful for having found encountered you🙏

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks so much. Really. It’s these types of comments that motivate me to share what I’ve learned about relationships from my marriage and the clinic. Take care and keep loving openly and fully 🌈❤️

[@1guarino]

Serious wisdom here, softly spoken.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks so much. And thanks for watching and commenting!

[@anthonyramdeen8364]

I've been experiencing what you're explaining here, and it is quite insightful and very articulate. Your delivery is very relatable as well. Great job!

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching and commenting Anthony. Good luck!

[@sumalathabalamurugan8068]

Thank you so much.!!! Im a pursuer in our 9 yrs of relationship. It doesn't make sense how we came this far. Each time any issues comeup im the one who initiates to address that speak that out and settle our problems whereas my bf would just try to dogde the problem and will act like nothing happened after a day or week. I'll be one begging, making multiple calls, crying all day. I always thought I was mature enough to address the underlying cause of the problem but this video thrown some light why I've been behaving that way. Im scared to be alone or unattended. Bcoz my whole while im crying no one was there to comfort or stay behind me to wipe my tears but he's the one who did all those things. But the gestures reduced eventually as the days go. But im hete standing in the day one of our relationship expecting the same amount of love n care from him which I never receive these days. Sometimes i accept that but few times i can't. Im triggered and become authoritative and questions him why are emotionaly unavailable when i felt awful. He'll say he was in confusion or depressed state where i tried to help him. I get so upset or hurt of these. Instead of trying to solve the issue he'll just keep defending himself n telling me im expecting too much from him n neglect me. It hurts like hell. It hurts like dying to be in a puruser state. But after a day or two he'll come back n speak normally as if nothing happened and expect the from me to speak like there was not a problem at all. That'll upset me even more and I'll attack him asking where were you these days and the fight goes on. I tried to stop being a pursuer but the anxiety of being alone or the fear that the relationship will not be available if i distance myself scares the shit out of me. I'm scared that if i distance myself he'll move away. He'll not be there me. 😭😭😭😭. I don't know how to stop pursuing bcoz if I don't talk or convey my feelings i feel suffocated and I can't be normal. I don't know how to be less aggressive when my distancing partner takes a step towards me.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for sharing. I feel your pain and frustration. It’s really hard to stop pursuing. But ask yourself if it’s worth it to pursue this relationship in the long run.... good luck!

[@chris-dempsey]

I'm a pursuer and it sure feels like I don't have control. I found that bit really puzzling - that you're saying pursuers gain control. In my experience the distancer holds all the control over communication and intimacy. I do my best to give them space and it's so painful...the pattern happens again, mostly when they're stressed and they withdraw. They hold all the power of coming in and out of your life / connect again...

[@ThePotentialState]

It’s true that distancers hold the power. As a pursuer you at least control the attempts and timing. You know when you’ll initiate. It still is frustrating. I wish you luck and strength as you try to soften this dynamic. LMK how it goes…

[@Efalonda]

I became a pursuer due to an extreme covert distancer. I think they can turn healthy people into more axious ones.

[@ThePotentialState]

So right. Thanks for watching and commenting.

[@hold3290]

Thank you! This perfectly sums up my last 2.5 year relationship. If I saw this sooner I could’ve really enlightened my ex. Looking forward to never locking myself in this dynamic again as I prepare for marriage.

[@ThePotentialState]

You are so welcome

[@urmom4615]

Marriage is a scam

[@hold3290]

@@urmom4615 Trolling innocent people online is a spiritual scam. Enjoy your depraved life.

[@ssibhah]

Simply, thank you.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank you for watching!

[@tiamaria1581]

Thank u...I enjoyed hw u explain explicitly

[@ThePotentialState]

Hi Tia, Glad you enjoyed it. Good luck!

[@buzzcutart8501]

Wow no one has explained this as well as you, thank you!

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting. Glad you found it helpful!

[@tasneemebrahim3558]

Absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thank you! Just one question, once you decide to stop being the pursuer or distancer, and things finally get better, do you keep stop pursuing (as a pursuer) or share your feelings (as a distancer) forever?

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for your question Tasneem. Even after you soften the pursuer distancer dynamic there will always be a high and low desire partner for every aspect of the relationship. The difference is that it will be more fluid, less extreme or rigid. We're aiming for a more equal, open, and playful dynamic. Does that help?

[@kiwietnoart6599]

Thank you

[@ThePotentialState]

We’re really happy that the video was helpful. Good luck!!

[@MusicKyirim]

Very interesting

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks a lot!

[@leilatowry7224]

Tell us more about how to create the dance! Is it truly about the pursuer giving space and the distancer reaching? What else does the “system” need in terms of vocabulary, process, rituals to reach the new potential? Also can you switch roles depending on the relationship? Thanks Doc!

[@ThePotentialState]

Hi Lelia, Thanks for your question. The first thing is awareness and ownership. That's why first the system needs to learn these concepts and have the vocabulary. Then both partners need to self-confront and honestly explore their secondary gains and losses from their role and to decide whether they are ready to change their role in the dance. It is possible to switch roles in different relationships, yet I find that we tend to recreate the same roles in our most intimate relationships. Does that make sense? Thanks again for your comment! Assael

[@arocks1234567]

really beautiful:) I find myself growing and realizing what I got from the stance and how to get it from other sources (especially myself)

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching. Glad you enjoyed it. Stay Safe and good luck!

[@user-de3lx8ex9s]

Brilliant awareness and framing. Thank you for putting language to describe my marriage Dr.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching and commenting. We're glad you enjoyed the content. Good luck!

[@Jaysel]

This video was very insightful and I can’t thank you enough!

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting. Good luck!

[@gempakstarz2319]

Are this good method ? To start text my ex girlfriend distancer ? Hi, I understand you need time for yourself and this relationship. I have read the attachment you sent about pursuers and distancers. I feel guilty all this time because I made you feel bad and you got confused. I'm just anxious and worried about losing you; that's why I acted like that without thinking about your feelings. I also noticed in the attachment you posted that there are tips for pursuers and distancers. Maybe we can try slowly to implement those tips in our relationship. Maybe we can try to plan regular date nights when you have free time or off days so we can keep building a strong bond without remembering the past. such as sharing problems at work, watching anime and movies together, or chatting about interesting things to talk about, such as music, food recipes, trips, etc. I believe that both of us are trying our best to make sure things calm down.

[@ThePotentialState]

Great letter. Share with her this video as a start and then have an open and honest conversation with her on this dynamic. Good luck!

[@dunpop8323]

An amazing explanation - you explain it so well... new subscriber here

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it and hope you'll enjoy the other ones. Good luck!

[@heathenstarot]

this was awesome! thank you so much :)

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching and commenting. Good luck!

[@nanaifan1]

Maigaaaddd this videooo is amazingggg, you literally change everything for me thank you

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks Sofia for watching and commenting. Good luck!

[@kschutt9354]

THANK YOU SO MUCH

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank YOU for watching and commenting.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Very nicely explained .thank u

[@ownurshitheb]

Thank you for watching and commenting. Good luck!

[@christinegafa8749]

Thank you for this! Helped me understand my current situation and gave me hope for making it work.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks Christine for watching and commenting. We're happy this video helped. Good luck!

[@strongerasone2403]

Why does the pursuer get annoyed when the distancer is occasionaly warm and tries to engage. Is is because the pursuer is no longer in control? The pursuer seems to go distant when the distancer tries to connect. Not sure why this is? And can there be any genuine and mutual connection?

[@ThePotentialState]

Hi. This could happen for several reasons. When the distancer finally warms up, the pursuer might realize how "starved" they are and get angry. Or the pursuer might actually be afraid of finally being intimate so they "sniff out" a fight to once again buffer from too much intimacy. Yes, there can be genuine and mutual connection if both partners work on themselves. It will take hard work, but it's possible. Good luck!

[@Pyr01]

gonna give this a try

[@ThePotentialState]

Please do! And let us know how it went... Thanks for watching

[@DarthDrac0Ven0m]

Since the pandemic started, my partner of 2.5 years has been pulling away and now hardly responds to my texts (as of a week ago, we're doing long-distance since I've moved). We never had to worry about a "power struggle" in our relationship until covid became a thing. I've found myself as a pursuer by asking her to be more connected and to reply to texts more, and I'd very much like to stop this dance we're doing. Everything you said described our relationship recently almost exactly. Do you have any further tips for someone who's a pursuer? I'd like to bring this up to her to talk about. Thank you for providing me with the language to understand what's going on between my partner and I.

[@DarthDrac0Ven0m]

As an addition, what would not pursuing look like in my position where my partner hardly opens/responds to the things I send them? Certainly, sending less or being less insistent on sending messages is a first step.

[@ownurshitheb]

@@DarthDrac0Ven0m Thanks for your message. This dynamic is indeed tricky to change. I would first recommend you share this video with her so you have a common language. Then I would suggest you make a list of what secondary gains you have from being the pursuer: What does it protect you from? What does it give you? Try to be honest with yourself. Then confront yourself and see if you're ready to give up some of these secondary gains and risk losing the relationship. If you are willing to risk the breakup, you could have an honest conversation with your partner, share your feelings, and share that you are going to pursue less (or stop at all). Don't do it from an angry/hurt position, but rather from a vulnerable, loving position, while remaining open to your partner. From that point, you'll have to talk it out as the dynamic unfolds. I hope this was helpful. good luck!

[@mlhamiltonanderson5940]

Hey Darth, check out my comment above (@mlhamiltonanderson5940 @mlhamiltonanderson5940 - I hope it might help. (:

[@niamcm17]

Thank you 🙏🏾 learned so much

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for watching.

[@t6drifty12]

I've asked this question in other forums, but never received insightful answers. What if the distancer has betrayed you one or more times? They love bomb you and fall back into their natural habitat of being the distancer. However, in the trauma they caused, you yourself have become a distancer. So they find themselves alone, bored, and seeking out the attention they received in their affair. What then?

[@purpleflows5680]

It sounds like a toxic bonding scenario. Seek out therapy and consider looking into the narcissist/co-dependent dynamic. Best of luck

[@ThePotentialState]

Yuans for your comment. This sounds like a deeper more rigid dynamic of pursuer distanced. We would recommend going together to a counselor to block exits and ask the tough questions. Good luck!

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks for your comment. We agree.

[@eleonoraivanova1852]

Thank you!

[@ThePotentialState]

Eleonora Ivanova Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

[@LadyNuran]

Brilliant ❤😊

[@ThePotentialState]

Nuran Mohamed Thanks for watching!

[@mbond7168]

such a good video, but audio quality so bad

[@ThePotentialState]

Yes. We’re working on it ;)

[@unrespiro]

Thank you very much! I envy your clients for having such a great therapist!

[@ThePotentialState]

Thank you for watching and commenting. I have great clients so we have lots of fun!

[@genericwatcher2439]

I am the pursuer and I backed off for a YEAR, she never stepped up. So I had a choice, pursue and get crumbs or get a divorce and lose my children (unfair legal system RARELY gives kids to fathers). NOW, I see my adult kids in bad relationships and I am so hurt. IF I left, maybe my kids would have seen me as an example that you should leave bad relationships, but at the same time, my kids would have felt abandoned by me to a horrible, distanced woman. People, if you are in a relationship with a distancer, all I can stay is get therapy ASAP, if you can't work it out, LEAVE.

[@Efalonda]

Why should a man not get the kids if they are not literal babies anymore. If he was the main involved parent no court will restrict them. Courts today even give abusive men access to children so why would a primary care giver who happens to be male not get access? Or is it because these men were NOT heavily involved with their children before and did NOT do the lions share of child care? Then it is not a gender issue but a lazieness issue. My father for example had primary custody of me against the will of my mother. So this story is really old and stale. Most men are not living with their children because they don't want to and the children would be in the way when they try to creep on younger women.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks Walker for sharing. We do believe it is better to leave your relationship then not be yourself. I’ve wish you and your family peace and joy.

[@ThePotentialState]

Thanks Efalonda for these words. Really powerful.

[@isabellaroenicke5402]

anyone else being forced to watch this

[@ThePotentialState]

Why are you being forced to watch this? What’s the problem 😄?

[@gempakstarz2319]

@@ThePotentialState maybe she is fcking distancer