The STIGMA of SHAME and Borderline Personality Disorder

Please watch: "How You Can Control Your Emotions with Dr. Fox - Affective Regulation"
• How You Can Control Yo... -~-
In this video we will discuss the difference between the two types of shame: "traditional" shame and Toxic Shame and how they relate to borderline personality disorder. We also examine the impact, origin, and how to reduce and heal from Toxic Shame.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD -COMING SOON-
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: www.amazon.com...
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has been teaching and supervising students for over 15 years at various universities across the United States, some of which include West Virginia University, Texas A&M University, University of Houston, Sam Houston State University, and Florida State University. He is currently a staff psychologist in the federal prison system, Adjunct Assistant Professor at University of Houston, as well as maintaining a private practice that specializes in the assessment and treatment of individuals with complex psychopathology and personality disorders.
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
KZbin: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Citations:
Law, K.C. and Chapman, A.L. (2015). Borderline personality features as a potential moderator of the effect of anger and depressive rumination on shame, self-blame, and self-forgiveness. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 46: 27-34.
Rüsch N, Lieb K, Göttler I, Hermann C, Schramm E, Richter H, Jacob GA, Corrigan PW, Bohus M. (2007). Shame and implicit self-concept in women with borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 164:500-508.

[@gymismytemple]

I love this guy. I wish he was my doctor.

[@feetsies]

So compassionate

[@juliebraden]

exactly

[@missmartamc]

Right?!

[@jemgem9593]

Yeh, I wish he could analyse me 🌄

[@DavidJSmerdon]

Me too. My life has been ruined.

[@raven9ify]

I grew up in a family where my parents constantly put me down in order to 'motivate' me to perform better.. esp in academics. Now I have so much insecurities surrounding my abilities in my profession. I can't bring myself to try and aim higher cause I am always thinking 'what if I fail' and then 'm such a failure' .. 'm a coward for not even trying'.. These shameful thoughts about myself and my abilities have led my life and career to a standstill. And each day serves as a reminder of what a failure I am.. even though I did well all this while. It's like nothing I do satisfies me. And so I can't concentrate on focusing ahead.

[@DrDanielFox]

raven9ify fight that inner voice, it’s not true. Watch this and overcome kzbin.info/www/bejne/i3-0mah8gZt2jck

[@raven9ify]

@@DrDanielFox thank you so much for the kind words.

[@janny.p]

I'm in the same situation. And that pulls me back in my life. I'm afraid of doing lots of things because of possible failure. I skip exams if I feel I didn't study enough. And after that I realize that I have so many examples of exams that I went and had a great grade. I am sabotaging my progress by not going. And I know that but the schema shift is soooo hard. Self fulfilling prophecy...

[@spongebrainsqueezepants7175]

Dr. Fox is so right: You have to fight that inner voice because it is a liar. It is wrong. I had to teach myself to remember this and even say it out loud to myself when that voice is telling me I am worthless and nothing really matters. In those times when I "call out the liar" to myself I have a reaction against that statement (in other words, the liar fights back) with thoughts that I must be a gullible fool to believe such nonsense when it is clear, by evidence of how I am feeling at this moment, that I really am worthless and nothing matters. It's actually quite difficult to combat those thoughts, but I must remind myself that these are thought PATTERNS not facts. Keep working at it and you will see progress, however slow, and it will bring some relief.

[@TheStonedEvo]

I’m in the same boat. My dad used to tell me I couldn’t do things bc according to him that’s what his dad used to tell him and he would prove him wrong. He thought that’s what I needed to become self reliant. Little did he know he decimated my confidence. Suffice to say, I’m almost 30 with no college education and a grocery store job. I self sabotage bc I’m a piece of shit. At least that’s how the thinking goes.

[@jessicataaffe-jones1608]

Wow... the moment you mentioned “making someone feel bad enough to do good” everything clicked in my brain and memories came flooding in. I had this done to me a lot when I was depressed as a young teenager. I was made to feel so bad and told the way I made others felt with my behaviour was so bad and I was so selfish that I needed to wake up and think of others. I only just realised I used to do this A LOT to my partner. If he upset me or hurt me in any way, I’d tell him how bad he made felt and I’d often go round in circles repeating it when he’d say nothing. Until he broke down saying how bad I made him feel and I’d feel immediate regret and remorse for overreacting and “boring into him” with negative accusations.... and I realise now I’d hoped if I could make him understand just how hurt he’d made me feel, he wouldn’t do it again. I’m so so sad at this realisation. I hardly do this anymore 5 years down the track. He is a saint! But when it does occasionally happen it is intense and I feel almost possessed like I have no control over my reactions..... then the shame and remorse 😔

[@saber_tooth_tiger]

Just know that those emotions love you, they want to keep you safe

[@emmacarroll3665]

My shame is the inability to live up to what I percieve are other's expectations of me. Unfortunately this tends to clash with how the people close to me attempt to "help" when I'm having a hard time. They tend to try to fix the problem rather than talking to me about how I'm feeling or doing. So I end up feeling like no one cares about how I am, I'm just another problem to solve, and that I need to fix it to be worth anything to them. I'm constantly trying to meet these perceived expectations that my already bad anxiety is out of control and as you said I'm trying so hard to be enough but I don't feel at all worthy of love. As you mentioned, I need the encouragement and support to rise to the occasion. I can't function when someone tells me what about me I need to fix because I just feel bad about myself instead.

[@marcelastacey890]

Emma Carroll thank you for the courage to say how you feel. Please know that just because you’re alive, you ARE enough. Worthy enough. Good enough. Caring enough. Compassionate enough. Alive is enough. Sending you a big virtual hug. You remind me so much of one of my daughters - so much. You ARE enough!!! No need to prove it to anyone. You’re a human being! That alone makes you a miracle. Stay wonderful!!!!! 🤗🥰😘

[@Gracem2013]

I’m the same way with feeling I have to live up to what I perceive other people’s perception of me is. Every single day I struggle with this. Even with complete strangers I see on a daily basis. I feel that I’m somehow letting them down because I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough , smart enough etc. These are people that I’ll never see again and who won’t even remember me 5 min later. I know rationally that it’s ridiculous but my brain just overrides it every time to the point of an anxiety attack. Its beyond frustrating.

[@MIRACLECHEEZ]

thank you for sharing. your words help me formulate my own suppressed thoughts, which in turn is hopefully going to help my psychiatrist understand what the hells going on in my birds nest brain. you’re indirectly helping me understand how to explain my situation to others, and i couldn’t be more thankful for your contribution.

[@elainewinchester3822]

Yes Emma courage so good

[@Kathrynlove]

I feel you 😪

[@betsystuart9130]

Astonished. This gentleman not only perceives and...understands this complex condition - but offers genuine helpful advice to those who are suffering. There's a message of hope in every conversation he shares. He's "pierced the veil" on a painful subject that has eluded Many professionals. I'm grateful to have discovered Dr. Fox; and smiling.

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad my videos have been helpful to you.

[@honeybeeresting7958]

Thank you Dr. I have been diagnosed with BPD for 11 years and spent 7 years in DBT therapy, It has been helpful, and technically, I no longer meet 5 of the 9 criteria. I am happy to be better, and no longer engaging in self harm, but still deal with feelings that you describe associated with "toxic shame".... thanks for normalizing. and helping us to come out of the shadows.

[@ThisIsMe155]

Thank You, Honeybee. Well Done!! Keep making progress on your journey. Many of us have suffered with self-esteem issues, toxic guilt and toxic shame our entire lives due to the legacy of parental issues. You are among family. Y🙏💕💕💕🙏

[@rick3747]

Amazing that Dr Fox digs and deep and truly wants to help those with BPD while many other therapists simply want easy 10 session type clients.

[@im_saved_by_grace]

What does 10 sessions mean? I known ppl whom had THERAPIST for yrs

[@rick3747]

@@im_saved_by_grace Many therapists want short term clients. Many in my area of Allentown PA will only take non-BPD "easy" clients. Crazy....they call themselves "therapists."

[@im_saved_by_grace]

@@rick3747 THOSE are the types getting people's claims denied because they know it's lifelong an therapy helps to stimulate does NOT cure it's a illness Disability very hard to find anyone with knowledge because most av cptsd bpd are highly intelligent sensitive

[@rick3747]

@@im_saved_by_grace Luckily, I finally found a real therapist who I have seen for 8years. And yes, those with BPD, cPTSD, Bipolar.....are very often very intelligent, highly creative, sensitive, Introverts....

[@karenrancourt6812]

Thank you so much as the only child of a narcissistic father and a highly critical bpd mother, this video spoke so well to me. I have shared with my therapist so we can explore together

[@tessjones5987]

You really understand what it took me 67 years to not figure out. Thank you so much for your insight and speaking in such an easily understanding format about these hard subjects. Your insights and light to my clueless behaviors.

[@marcelastacey890]

Tess Jones I’m 60 and just now starting to figure it out - and of course every aspect is exacerbated by living with a NPD. Wow. What a feeling of drowning!!!! Hang in there because it’s never too late to feel better and be better. Life’s a journey. Now I understand why it’s been so difficult for me to separate from the NPD - impossible to do no matter how strongly he tried to push me away or how poorly he has treated me. Yeah. What a joke. And he’s interpreted my fear of abandonment as his license to be mean and cruel - took full advantage. These videos are casting a much needed light on my own contribution to this toxic relationship. Wow. The human mind is amazing. Tess - hang in there. I hope that today (a year after you posted your comment) that you’re doing better - that you can see your journey taking a turn for the better. Don’t give up, be someone else’s inspiration. Virtual hug to you my KZbin friend. 😊

[@blackfairyxdusy]

Your so fantastic. Thank you for sharing these videos. A lot of people (me included) can’t afford anything close to what you offer for free just because you’re passionate about the subject and want to help. Thank you

[@rudyrey5600]

Dr. Daniel I don't know how to thank you so much for the work you been doing with these videos, it a real blessing and hope for us with bpd...Dr thank you, thank you.

[@a.p5079]

I get so angry when I am not ashamed! All these toxic emotions, it sucks. Not all the time but when I spiral like I have since two nights ago.. Unfortunately, I have to live with the same family that damaged me, makes it all that much harder.

[@zubileegluckgluck]

EMDR trauma therapy reduced my BPD symptoms by ~70%. I had a deep, deep well of shame, buried beneath layers of terror and rage.

[@AP-nx6xo]

I would like to try that. My doctor says no way. I need to get rid of my toxic shame. All the best

[@zubileegluckgluck]

@@AP-nx6xo I'd look for an EMDR therapist and have an intake with them, in order to make that decision. Most psychiatrists know very little to nothing about the mechanics of trauma in adults with shame/rage/fear-based pathologies, and even less about EMDR. Most mental health professionals I've discussed my recovery with have had ideas about EMDR that simply are not true, because they had no real understanding of how it works. IMO, only someone with an in-depth understanding of the set protocols, which has had 30 years of studies and observational tweaking, should tell a client whether they are a good candidate for EMDR. I hope you look into having someone do an assessment of your situation. I'm happy to assist with this search, by offering resources, if you'd like.

[@rick3747]

EMDR never helped me.

[@zubileegluckgluck]

@@rick3747 of course, there are exceptions to the rule, in every situation. No treatment works a hundred percent of the time, for a hundred percent of people. In my experience, most people who've said this to me stopped going when they began to feel their old emotions, which is temporary & a necessary part of the process, and never finished the protocol. I hope you find something that works for you. Maybe Somatic Experiencing would help.

[@rick3747]

@@zubileegluckgluck DBT didn't help either and I went 14 months 3x per week. Neurofeedback has been helpful at least for the PTSD/Disassocation.

[@wendychavez5348]

My anger is most disturbing when it's triggered by frustration. That's when I'm most likely to want to act in violence. Maybe 20 years ago (give or take a few) i learned to turn that violence against myself in the hope that it would be more manageable, but quickly discovered that it became more addictive. In 2015, I was involved with a narcissist, and hurt myself so badly that I had to convince the ER personnel that yes, it truly was self-inflicted. I had tried to crawl under his bed to restrict my mobility, and found his gun; this conjured images that frightened me into calmness, at which point I took myself to the hospital After the CT scan to ensure there were no facial fractures I slipped into shame, self-loathing, embarrassment that he was under suspicion (this was long before I understood his narcissism or that I have BPD) and fear. Now that I've learned more, in a more personal format than they teach in university, I'm in a much better place. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for helping me continue to improve.

[@wendychavez5348]

Thanks for pointing out that it's not right to define my old bf as "narcissistic." I usually phrase it as, "he has NPD," though I'm struggling to accept that his NPD has triggered my worst episodes of BPD, which ultimately led to getting properly diagnosed. In trying to take responsibility for myself I've managed to lose sight of the fact that he is responsible for himself too, and not just "a narcissist." Good reality check!

[@michellejudd5060]

Thankyou Dr Fox for your empathy and compassion.

[@gansonaki]

Wow. Thank you for this. So much. I have lived with toxic shame my whole life, and only over the past several years realizing that I am very likely BPD-diagnosable. I never could properly and accurately come up with the truest root cause of my shame issues, but you mentioning an upbringing that “makes one feel bad enough to do good” hit me like a ton of bricks. 100% the answer I have been looking for.

[@siryoucantdothat9743]

My god there are people at 60 here on the comments which are more older than my dad still struggling with bpd the cruelty of this life has no limits

[@alightvlogging]

I'm at 50 and still struggling! The problem is for the older generations ( especially men) we grew up being told to man up, to bottle it up and not show it, to be strong and cope, the stigma of mental illness and the shame of it stopped us trying to get help so we just suffered on. Think of us as the lucky ones though, we managed to survive without our issue killing us like it has so many others. Be kind, be compassionate and help break the stigma so future generations don't have to cope in silence like we did.

[@kathykaura7219]

Yep. I'm 52 and only recently started healing from this shit. But healing is slow and painful, especially when you're totally alone and without professional help. But there are no survivors in life, so nobody gets out alive, no matter how good they had it.

[@tamarafaurot]

Truer words were never spoken. I’m 63 and see no end to my anguish.

[@b00gyman1]

And you hear people say life is not complicated, we make it complicated. I'd like to see them try and live with bpd at least for one day.

[@delyta.]

I'm 48 and just now getting help. Should have done this years ago.

[@yourenough3]

I was from the age of 5 until age 13 the lost child in a narcissitic family and then from age of 13 up until the present moment i am the scapegoat of my family of origin. Due to the fact that my mother didnt truly want to have me she ignored and neglected me and didnt teach me nor give me any tools for life. I was sent to school with mismatched clothes and was never taught personal hygiene so therefore i was bullied very badly in school and picked on. So i never felt i had a safe place besides in my bedroom with the door closed. Im sure that is why i have been told by one therapist i have bipolar and another psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality. I did self medicate for many years. I dont self medicate any longer thank god! I have never cut myself , but i believe it any form of self harm ie self medicating is part of this dynamic.

[@yourenough3]

@pred ater i did it to not feel my feelings. I wanted to escape my thoughts. Alls it did was make things alot worse. Now i use mindfulness.

[@mattfranks4335]

I'm sorry for all you have been through, my family is supportive and loving and it's still very hard , I can't begin to imagine the struggles you have had. Stay strong (just words from a stranger ) and keep well .

[@Sample8empire]

God bless you girl 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@sarahmontour924]

I am in the same boat. Sending good vibes ❤️ I understand the struggle

[@SamSneed-th4du]

Man I can relate to this except my mom was just poor and worked a lot. Either way the result was the same. The sustained, relentless bullying in middle school really set the stage for BPD imho, but still to this day I wonder if there wasn't just something so awful and shameful about me they honed in and made me a target because....you know..."Maybe I deserved it" One time when I was 11 I asked this boy "What did I do to you that you're like this to me?" He squinted his eyes and responded, his voice dripping with disdain "you were born" I remember that was the year I became suicidal. It only got worse from there 😔

[@MsLoila]

I saw a comment on here saying that people over 60 are struggling with bpd here. It makes me feel incredibly buoyant to know that there are people on here who are so dedicated and aware of their mental health and want to be better individuals for themselves and the people around here when most people give into rigid patterns and behaviors!! What every one of you is doing is wonderful. Much love 💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏

[@loufullarton5619]

Dr Fox, finding your videos has changed my life. I’m 52 and in treatment for BPD. I’m also in an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who is on the ASD. To those people who say we can’t love or be appropriately intimate, I say it’s a challenge, but it’s possible with the right insight and support. Thank you for your videos Dr Fox and for putting the humanity before the disorder.

[@DrDanielFox]

+Lou Fullarton thanks for the great news and keep it up. You’re 100% correct.

[@hayleyborg224]

Please do a video on shame spiraling. I have been following you for a while. I have BPD and I live in Australia. There isn’t a lot of research here, so your videos really help me. I’m a mum of five, I have two sets of twins 9 months apart. So my emotions are really all over the place. I started on 50mg of an antipsychotic getting me ready for trauma therapy. Please never stop making these videos. I show my phychitrist your channel an she has been watching you too!

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you. I'll add shame spiral to the list. Be well and keep being strong!! Australia is amazing, I love it there!!

[@laurieallen6711]

@@DrDanielFox I love these videos! You are so non judgemental and enlightened about the struggles we have with this devastating illness! Thanks so much for caring!!

[@Gothgalactica]

Who else here wishes Dr. Fox was their doctor? 😢 I feel so seen and heard and validated and his understanding and nature in general is so needed.

[@mattborba1340]

I can't thank you enough Dr. Fox. I just got told by a friend I am BPD, and I am trying to get better, and I find all of the other videos on this subject unwatchable because the folks speaking lack compassion. You can tell you really have a vision for how folks get out of this, and how to see themselves better, and it makes it feel so doable. I was so close to the edge, and this really walked me ten feet back and made feel like there is real hope for me. I truly appreciate this work you do.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m glad you found the video helpful. Be well.

[@steverahn8087]

Yes Dr Fox, I would like to hear more about the lens idea bpd have. And thank you for making these videos they have helped me tremendously.

[@amyakins1284]

My mother is an undiagnosed borderline. I've lived with her verbal and mental abuse my entire life. Her BPD lens has blamed me for everything that has ever gone wrong and destroyed her vision for the way my life should be. It's always my fault--no matter what it is or even if it has nothing to do with me. Instead of building my self esteem, she taught me to be afraid and ashamed--especially when it comes to employment. In her view, I should be grateful that an employer "gave me a job," and therefore I owe them everything--up to an including my health, my wellbeing, my life. In other words, I'm a worthless worm that the employer can take advantage of because he "gave me a job." I remember the first time I left a job because my boss was just like my mom, and I couldn't take it anymore. Even though I had another job lined up, my mother treated me like I was the most worthless, ungrateful piece of useless trash on the planet for leaving the job. My God, what it must be like to have absolutely no self image at all. To hate the very thought of yourself, and then to cram that self-hatred down the throat of your child. But this is what I grew up with. And it's only been recently that I have been able to begin standing up for myself--not combative, not pushy, just understanding that I am just as worthy of a safe, happy, healthy workplace and home as anyone else.

[@marjoriemurphy9424]

This sounds like me...but I was psychologically and emotionally, financially abused hard. I'm already 58 and now feeling like my time was stolen too.

[@ashleyknucklesgaming]

Thank you for these videos. I have Borderline and I was told I have bits of Quiet, Petulant, and Self Destructive traits. When I’m going through my mood swings, I’m trying to identify a little bit more when I’m onto those thoughts and emotions and trying to identify my triggers. Involving my inward anger, I’ve realized that a lot of it comes from my shame. I internalize other people’s mannerisms and moods thinking I’ve caused them to feel weighed down or burdened by them knowing me. That normally starts my shame spiral. You described perfectly how I feel and I definitely have problems expressing myself and my emotions as they are happening because I’ve been told. I listen to your videos as I’m feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts to remind myself this is bigger than me. It is something I must learn to control and center day by day. Thank you for that, it brings me great relief. Looking forward to more of your videos. I wish there were more doctors like you that don’t shun us and understand that us too, do want to get better, sometimes we just don’t know how to.

[@daisymay4267]

Dr. Fox, I can't thank you enough for these videos!!! They not only help me understand a lot, but also provide information on what I can do to to help myself.

[@fionaheywood7144]

So one of my family's favourite sayings was ' if you have any good in your heart at all you would do this for me'. If that's not shaming me to do good I don't know what is. I was heavily criticised by my parents and although in my 50's now I struggle with not being good enough. I've only recently discovered that I have been diagnosed by my doctor with BPD. The doctors had decided not to tell me but said I had depression and anxiety. Now I know through DWP everything makes more sense. You're videos are helping me understand myself so thank you.

[@MySpaceDxC_Suffo_AtTheGates]

Thank you Doctor Fox for putting this stuff up free of charge. Some of us aren’t wealthy and are very grateful for help anyway.

[@journeyofanartist]

Can you expand more on how toxic shame can lead to impaired empathy? Great vid by the way! Thank you for posting it!

[@atavi7322]

journeyofanartist I’d love to see this as well

[@basilrose]

It boils down to: It's nearly impossible to give empathy when you need empathy. For more on the Western culture of judgment, criticism, shame, and punishment see the work of Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, founder of Compassionate Communication

[@jefflederman8628]

Jenny rose 777 0

[@tinybabypie]

Yes I agree please!!!

[@ds.m.1731]

I wish he could help my 25 year old son, I am sure he has this...because this man has explained his life clearer than anything else. Thank you for your videos.

[@cathrine1151]

You explain things very well. My shame is more of a constant feeling that I’m a loser, a failure. At 47 I never married or had any children. Work makes me (more) sick have been unemployed most of my adult life. I have a handful of really good friends but any kind of romantic meeting or relationship makes me very uneasy and sleepless so boyfriends are either rare or toxic (with narcissists). I’m kind, intelligent and have a masters degree but failed in life. Could you make a video on this horrible perception of oneself that I’ve read that others with bpd suffer from?

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm glad this is helpful for you. Do you mean a video on self-esteem and BPD? Thanks for your feedback and question.

[@cathrine1151]

Dr. Daniel Fox Thanks for replying. I think many people with bpd can feel like not living up to society’s expectations and more importantly their own hopes for a good life. You see your friends (mine anyway) have good jobs and loving spouses and generally seem to enjoy life. I feel I’m being left out of all this. It can make you feel shameful of yourself. I think low self esteem is an underlying theme here but not the direct cause. Hope I make myself clear 😊

[@DrDanielFox]

Cathrine I get what you’re saying. Great idea. I’ll add it to my list of topics. Remember, fb and all social media depicts 20% of someone’s life. Thanks

[@cathrine1151]

Dr. Daniel Fox Great & True 👍😊

[@whisperingwind7730]

I can relate exactly to what Catherine is saying. I'm coming to realize that I do have BPD. I hate this about myself. The intense anger when triggered. I definitely know it's origin from my horribly abusive childhood from my Narc Stepfather. My latest relationship w/ a Covert Narc has brought my behavior to realize what's wrong w/ me. My question is there any help for us? If so where? I'd like to be to get counseling from u Dr. Fox, do u offer this?

[@rosie20098]

Wow. I used to think that the spiraling I went threw when thinking about stressful situation I was in was solely due to anxiety. This has taught me a lot about how I feel about these situations and how I view myself. I greatly appreciate these videos

[@trashcan2926]

When I was diagnosed with BPD, I met all criteria except inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, because I suppress it and stay passive out of a fear of abandonment. What’s odd is that this suppressed anger makes my toxic shame almost constant. I am constantly bombarded by this feeling that I am bad because I am simply just feeling angry (my childhood trauma also taught me that it’s bad to be angry). It’s this long term unjustified shame and it’s so painful. Interpersonal effectiveness has always been the hardest DBT module for me because of this. Just the idea of asserting myself makes me feel ashamed. Great video!

[@Jane_under_a_tree_with_a_book]

@Dr. Daniel Fox I tried the 'shame exercise'. I closed my eyes and filled up a rucksack with all my self-shaming words and thoughts. It got heavier and heavier, until I could actually feel my back hurting from the weight of it. I struggled to take it off my back and dropped it over the edge of a cliff. THEN I heard the unmistakable screams of the people below. My rucksack had landed on a wedding party! I imagined the dead and injured. My shame increased exponentially. (Not even joking. I feel things very strongly, but my self shame is intense.)

[@DrDanielFox]

It's never easy the first time. Shame is like a pathogen, it wants to stay, but continued treatment will lessen it and help you. Stay the course.

[@jeanwillis7774]

I’ve carried toxic shame with me for many years...I’m so ashamed at some of my behaviours ,especially when I was younger and had young children. I’ve been able to empower myself to not allow spousal shame and blame,especially when I was diagnosed with BPD. I need now to work on my toxic shame,and your video here is so useful,thank you .

[@kellynxo]

When I pull up ANY of your videos whether I'm focusing on your topic or just listening to it in the background, I feel safe. Thank u

[@DJPoundPuppy]

My mom did that "bad enough" thing. She's a narcissist and she was proud of the idea. She thought I should do it to my own child!!!

[@coololena10]

It triggers depression

[@im_saved_by_grace]

Wow hopefully you all can get some therapy to work on your relationship because mom's are important.

[@nerveendings]

Thank you so much for your videos on BPD. I got the diagnosis around 5 yrs ago and have been working hard at learning DBT skills, but struggle to understand sometimes how they relate to different aspects of my BPD, and how I can put them into practice/apply them to my life. I'm interested in the psychology behind it all, but looking online for resources is a minefield with all the stigma surrounding personality disorders, so it really is a blessing when I come across videos like yours that understand the illness and give me hope for a better, more stable and resilliant life ahead, and the possibility that I can be kinder to myself. I'd defiitely be interested in a video about the "BPD lens" you mention, when you have the time!

[@Chloe-iq7-help]

phew yeah, researching BPD is like an self esteem minefield. videos like this are a breath of fresh air

[@PomegranateStaindGrn]

The sewer metaphor was almost perfect. Despite popular opinion, I think it helps me a great deal to have a deeper understanding of the root causes of my mind’s functioning - rather than just being told "do x, y, and z" without information to connect the dots myself. It allows me to unpack and examine myself and, only then, can I gradually make changes. There is no such thing as an overnight change and the speed of change might be almost imperceptible but the gradual nature of it makes it more likely to stick. Whether others are patient enough to wait out the process is another story. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for another great video. I do wonder if you could speak on something somewhat related? The contributing factors involved in people with BPD or spectrum that lead to some being demonstrably outward with their expression vs those who try to make ourselves as insignificant and, as a result, possibly even more volatile than the more demonstrative expression? I have my suspicions but I would like to understand it more deeply if that’s possible. Thank you again, Doctor.

[@DrDanielFox]

Jamie Brower thanks Jamie. Great idea. Can you help me to better conceptualize what you mean? What are some points you’d like me to address? Thanks again!!

[@PomegranateStaindGrn]

Thank you for your reply. I will give it my best shot. I’m wondering if you have an idea of what causes/root/foundation of the outward expressions of anger (lashing out, violence, impulsivity, reckless behaviors, etc.) of some people whereas others will internalize (self-loathing, self-harm, deprivation, etc.) and rarely explode but, when we do, it is rather unexpected/more volatile and more jarring for targeted people. I’m going to be a bit presumptuous and just throw impulsive/petulant vs discouraged/self-destructive as guides to my question, hoping you subscribe to those classifications at least to some degree. I’m trying very hard not to be leading in my framing because I don’t want to somehow influence your answers just to confirm my suspicions. If I’m correct, fine, but I want to get the professional take on the topic. If you wouldn’t mind, I am also interested in what has made you moved and passionate about working with people who have personality disorders when so many in your field refuse? I can’t count the number of times I’ve been rejected for even an initial visit. Getting treatment is virtually impossible so your videos are indispensable. I’m concluding a taper. If my explanations are not clear enough, please don’t hesitate to ask for more clarification and I’ll try again. Thank you, Dr. Fox.

[@DrDanielFox]

Jamie Brower I think you identified the root via subtype. Why I work with and am passionate about working with those with BPD is attributed to my training and experience. Falsities frustrate me, particularly when it is aimed at those who really need help. Some folks are resistant but to lump all people with this disorder into one resistant group is wrong. I guess I’m also driven by a social justice component. I tried to be succinct and hope this helped and that I answered your questions.

[@PomegranateStaindGrn]

You answered my question about why you work with people who have PDs. Thank you. As far as my other question...not as simple. Having encountered people bitter about their own experience with someone who has BPD - and having been called a monster (in the past week) by them simply because I have BPD and they feel justified in lumping us all together as an illness (assuming they’re even that understanding) instead of people - I’m a bit sensitive to the difference between myself and those who are more outward expressing. While I don’t care what someone who can’t decipher or has no interest in understanding thinks of me, I still have a personal interest in understanding why one person might be outward in their expression and another inward. Knowing the subtype explains the what but not the why/how. It isn’t a matter of trying to establish a hierarchy of expression in order to undermine outward expressing people (they’re dealing with their own kind of hell and I certainly don’t feel superior to them by any means). I’m familiar with people who have had a support system and those who have not. Is that the difference that causes one to express outwardly vs inwardly? It’s something I suspect but can’t verify because it becomes convoluted depending on who you speak to about it. Not to mention the number of armchair psychologists who conflate and try to diagnose people who might just be a-holes. They want an explanation - which I understand - but don’t want truth and lack compassion for the person they’re trying to stamp because they’re outside of their pay-grade (so to speak). Maybe there is no answer for my question [yet]. Anyway, I thank you for your time and efforts to help me with my questions. Enjoy your weekend.

[@malkaringel7864]

I am a new subscriber. I live with bpd 10/10 scored in my 6 week therapy, years ago. Very hard to deal with the mood swings. At 62 I am mainly in physical chronic pain n negative rather than positive, in attitude, so ppl run away. I am 100% isolated n must change something. I don't believe that feeling badly will make me do good things. I grew up with violence n emotional void as we pretended that what was happening, was not. I am sensitive to emotional charges in the room. I lack self esteem. I like your hot air ballon analogy.....I will try that, thx

[@DrDanielFox]

Stay strong and build your skills!!

[@FrancesMartin78]

Thank you for making this video. I've struggled with toxic shame since early childhood, and never realized it was something others also struggled with, or that it was common in BPD. It does make me feel a lot better knowing it's not just me. I only recently found your channel but I really appreciate your videos.

[@angieblove]

Wish you were my doctor. I didn’t know that this heavy, self deprecating feeling that I am unlovable and all my past impulsive mistakes and broken relationships just add up and eventually it eroded my sense of self. I have really struggled to see myself any other way but broken and unlovable I have come a long way since my twenties and early thirties (I am now 39) but I still have a long way to go. I have a constant sense of intense fear and loneliness and I end up isolating . I have a 7 year old daughter with Autism so I am desperately trying to get my mess together . I thank you Doctor for these videos . I finally built up the courage to share them with my Mom and my boyfriend of 11 years. Thank you

[@edwatson1991]

Though I am not borderline, I have a lot of experience dealing with it. I can see this learned inherited toxic shame in a family line, the idea that you can make someone feel bad enough to do good is not just deliberately taught, but also valued as a virtue. Not having to deal with this in my direct family has allowed me to see this as an influence that has caused people to go to great length to prevent others from knowing about bad behaviour, sometimes committing deeds of worse behaviour to that end. Not wanting to risk anything, preventing one from putting oneself out there in any way I also see as an influence of toxic shame. Unfortunately this makes certain people not just tough to be around, but dangerous to be around.

[@thesavvyseagull1980]

Thanks for putting these videos out for us.

[@LinYouToo]

I’ve watched so many of your videos to understand my family dynamics and I learned so much every time. What I especially appreciate is that you treat every single person as an individual.

[@andersb5007]

Dr Fox, you are brilliant. Listened to and hung on to each and every word of the video. Everything you say is true and honest and it’s real. Toxic shame is the constant feeling of not being able to or permitted to a) feel they way you do in any given situation, b) express those feelings for fear of being chastised or viewed as overly sensitive or needy, and c) present and live from and of your true self, whether that being choosing a mate, making friends and finding love, selecting a job or a career that fits and that you find rewarding regardless of how much money you make, and last but not least, expressing your sexual orientation, or gender identity, gay, straight, bi or trans. Thank you for the insights and for providing some tools to start unwinding from the toxic shame spiral.

[@AWalkingHat]

At my lowest point with this disorder ten years ago, I stopped eating for three days and decided to let myself die. My reasoning was that I was such a stain on humanity, people would be better off without me; it was the only honourable thing to do. I am much better now, but I am feeling depressed these days and these videos are helping me remember the roots of some of my emotional issues. For the record, I am an empath raised by a mother on the narcissistic spectrum.

[@em199x]

watching this video got me crying especially during the part where you asked us to imagine a hot air balloon/bag and throwing in all the toxic shame inside. i chose a hot air balloon and threw in every single event in my life that got me spiraling into toxic shame. but when you told me to just let the hot air balloon fly, i seriously couldnt even imagine it do so. i still weigh myself down ever so often. the thought that im not ever going to be worthy of love and respect anymore is deeply ingrained in me now. and i feel stuck. i dont know what to do with myself anymore tbh. but thank you, for explaining all these. it still reassures me that there's still good in me. i just need to unpack a lot of trauma.

[@janayrose874]

Love that volunteering at a animal shelter or local soup kitchen was mentioned as a form of sense of purpose. Thats exactly what has helped me feel some purpose in the last year. It shifts my attention away from my pain and self

[@sensibilities1]

You have a very comforting safe energy ❤️

[@gabbyacuna2769]

Absolutely 💯 hes pulled me up from some dark places these past few weeks.

[@priscillagrrr4405]

Dr Fox... Rooting out our issues yet again! Toxic shame and "original sin" goes hand in hand for us sensitive people reared in a very Christian world. We internalize those "shame" feels very deeply... Ah, it really makes sense! Thanks 🤘🤘🤘💖💖💖

[@BirdTho]

Yeah depends on if you're dealing with legalism or grace. Scripture can set you free or beat you up. I've read it as condemning and freeing at various times

[@SillhouetteSonata]

I agree with this. The grace of Jesus and praying for His peace that passes all understanding is the only thing that gives me immediate peace - like a wave of medicine kicking in from an IV. Furthermore knowing He’ll never leave or not love me is a blessing beyond words. Just remember y’all, Jesus doesn’t condemn, accusations and blame come from the devil. Jesus advocates for us and heals us. He died for us and tells us to put the burden on Him. I’ve figured out recently if I do just lay my problems at the feet of Jesus instead of trying in vain to fix myself on my own then He’ll show me the answer and that usually it wasn’t even that bad. Everything works if I just give Him the reins. He loves you and He is the meaning of life. God bless

[@hylketromp5076]

24 year old male here who got diagnosed with BPD. I'm wondering how legitimate my diagnosis is. It first came as a shocker, because I've dated borderline woman and I don't relate to them at al. but now watching your videos and doing research online, I understand that this curse takes many forms and I actually do might suffer from it. one day I told my psychiatrist that I feel worthless if I don't see people for 3 days or have sex. She told me that that is typical for BDP. Also the way you describe bdp in your videos resonate very much with my personality. best luck to all who suffer from BDP. It really sucks knowing you can feel wonderful and confident, then go to bed and when you wake you feel like a worthless loser who will never accomplish anything. It's a damn rollercoaster ride

[@leeboriack8054]

Dr. Fox, thank you for sharing such high quality information about BPD. Your talks lighten the load created by being raised by a BPD mother. Thank you.

[@patriciashannon6631]

Thankyou Dr Fox, brilliant help for us who find it either financially prohibitive or personally confused and lost in our medical diagnoses about our mental illnesses. I am 67, and have been ignorant for most of my life about my reactions, feelings and resulting drama and hurt I have caused to those I have loved in my life. I know now, years later, that my childhood was toxic. I know I thought that most of the time I was to blame...still believe this because my family have always told me. I was difficult, angry and threw tantrums in my formative years ,although extremely shy of the world and people in it....from 3- 12, everybody agreed, I was a handful. ...then downright rebellious as a teenager. I married at 20 to get out, and saw that my parents were just not correct in their ways of bringing me up.They just never seemed to understand me, and consequently I had many violent fights with them, usually fuelled by alcohol...and I'm full of toxic shame. I was diagnosed BPD, major depression ,after a breakdown and 3 mths in a clinic, when I was 60, by a psychiatrist who seemed to understand at last why I was me. I at last began to understand too. I had 2 marriages, four sons and one was killed in an accident in 1996. It broke me. I blame myself daily for all the messes in my life. My BPD was a relief in a way, my 35 yr marriage was over, but I now live alone with my dogs. I stay away from conflict and drink too much.

[@satsumamoon]

When I had BPD I was ashamed of everything. Shame is what prevented me from looking honestly at my behaviour and interpersonal interactions. Because I couldn't see myself, it looked to me that everyone and everything outside was to blame for my problems. Most of the time I didnt know how I felt because , I discovered, i felt all emotions were shamefull through internalising my oarents reactions. When I was figuring out all this and was able to study my mind, I realised that I was hearing all these thoughts as if they were my mother or fathers voice . "You big baby" you want something to cry about, Ill give younsomething to cry about" so not just shame about distress but also the idea that communicating to someone the negative effect of their behaviour towards you was something bad. I think pretty much all emotions or reactions , even Happiness were shameful. Taking responsibility was impossible because in my parents would always look for "the person who was to blame " in a situation, and they would be severely punished. That was their way of dealing with siblings arguing , that was the only way they ever dealt with it, no one was concerned with the problem the children were arguing about or resolving it. They were concerned with themselves and eliminating their discomfort at the disturbance. These and other personal issues were dealt with by developing an internal idea of a healthy, loving parent , ie I seperated my hurt inner child into one side and imagined a loving and wise adult helper was taking care of her . I asked myslef how would I listen and talk to myself if I loved myself unconditionally, how would I advise and mentor myself as a mature and stable adult? Years before this I used to believe "you cant fix a broken mind with a broken mind" ;I thought I wasnt capable of making myself better /healthy , but after realising that no one else could fix me I decided I had to do it. Its something that I am immensly proud of. Whats more is that I managed most of this whilst living with a Covert narcissist. I looked at all my thoughts and feelings and figured out that my pain was a result of What I thought about otherw, what ai believed about them and what I believed about myself, and my self identity eg I saw myself as unable to protect myself ( actually if you remember, defending oneself was shameful, therfore being a victim made me a good person) , I learned to not react to situations from this position, even before I learned to stop identifying as a victim by creating an aspect of myself that would defend the inner child. Basically, I hid behind a strong defese. Soon this resolved , I stopped being a victim, stopped taking attacks personally and further evolved into understanding how to act to regulate the others emotions (instead of expecting them to do it ;narcs dont really have that capacity ).

[@satsumamoon]

My best reccomendations for recovery from toxic shame to radical self love and acceptance are Matt Khans videos and EFT Emotional freedom technique.

[@jennylynnculbertson9086]

Very similar

[@SabaqnoGaara]

Please keep making these videos

[@Leahv103]

a BPD lense video is much needed :) I have been having recurring BPD episodes everyday lately and these videos are helping me although i'm still struggling a lot with getting out of this BPD loop.. Thanks so much for these videos since I live in a small town and don't really have access to a mental healthcare provider

[@gjh9299]

Yes on the BPD lens video. I am always apologizing for everything, any tiny mistake or feedback especially work. Some bosses were abusive but now it's over everything. Thank you

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Love the toxic shame lens analogy. I’m 69 and have a large family and this is so relevant. I think most of us at a minimum have behaved through toxic lenses, meaning acting out from beliefs that were not based on good or all the evidence. However it does seem to be most prevalent in those with borderline characteristics. This makes me hopeful for the possibility of helpful therapies like this to improve all of our relationships. 🙏🏼 Thank you Dr Fox.

[@miminekevots7002]

I appreciate how you pick apart negative or painful behaviors and suggest new approach. Explaining why there are different levels of shame. What drives the original toxic shame ruminations?

[@mallory5872]

They abused me when no one else sees it. I was trying to be patient or just avoid them but I finally blew up. Now they've turned everyone against me. Now I realize they actually gaslighted me hiding/stealing from me when I first moved here. If I'd realized they were capable of that I would have left 3 years ago when I still had resources. I didn't realize my sister had become like my mother or I never would have come near her. I was always suicidal when I lived with my mother.

[@gc636]

Oh my god, the nonstop shame...all the rage episodes that caused it..!

[@Msasha2727]

A really good tip is to DO GOOD THINGS omg, makes so much sense that shame doesn’t want you to feel good! That makes so much sense!

[@amandaconnell2978]

Your videos are helping me so much with my conversations with my therapist as I’m on my journey toward changing my behavior and thoughts toward myself and the world! I am healing from Borderline and your videos are helping me so much

[@RachCher777]

This is 200% me!! Thank you so much for explaining what I am feeling and why I struggle to deal with life and feel constant shame so badly.

[@annainneo7839]

Thank you for this video! Perfect timing for me to watch this. I’m in the process of dealing with shame, guilt and anger that iv been holding on to my whole life. I wrote a list a list of all the things that have hurt me and the toxic feelings I now carry because of it, and one thing iv come to discover is that all the things that happened to me happened, I can’t change it and all the feelings I carry are happening, fighting the feelings won’t change it. I think it’s all about acceptance, it taken me years to realise that acceptance doesn’t mean what happened was ok it’s just acknowledging it and now I know I can place all these in a bag and throw them off a cliff!

[@livinglifebetter]

This is so accurate it made me feel emotional. I think this makes us more vulnerable to bullies.

[@jemgem9593]

Dr Fox you are talking so much sense. This video is probably my top one of all you tube videos I watch, because I'm hearing what I need to hear, I could almost cry because it so validates and relates to how I am. Thank you.

[@debtracey2740]

These videos are a life saver! These are helping both me and my partner start to understand what I am going through. I was spiralling out of control before I found these. Thank you

[@gokusuppercut5040]

Dr. Fox i love your content. It really helps me as a person with bpd and struggles daily and try to understand my day to day self, you understand and dont make individuals like myself hopeless. Thank you for helping towards mental health and understanding and decrease taboo

[@marmaladeemma1080]

You feel like the only person alive that understands me and how i feel I'm grateful for that thankyou for breaking it down into simple language ❤

[@psych-ryry]

The things that have helped me deal with toxic shame have been volunteering, repeatedly adopting the humanistic belief that I have innate worth, developing boundaries and assessing my choices based on my personal values, and countering shameful self messaging with useful self compassion

[@DrDanielFox]

It's amazing to hear how you've found ways to overcome toxic shame. Keep up the positive mindset!

[@vagabondslotmachine]

Such a good channel. I live in Scotland, and we have the NHS, which is an absolute blessing. The docs, nurses, porters, cleaners are all working under ever - increasing budgetary constraints which has a knock - on effect for those on waiting lists. I've been waiting since September 2019 for a consultation into undiagnosed BPD. I'm 50 this year and it would have been helpful if I had known about BPD a good few years ago. Thanks for your vlogs, Doc

[@skeptiwolf5654]

All my mental health problems started in elementary school with shame. I was lazy and annoying and I had no one else to blame for being like that so I learned to be ashamed of myself. I feel like that was the beginning of all my problems that turned to chronic anxiety, depression and bpd. I felt like I deserved my depression, it was my punishment for being so bad.

[@tessakrumpeltree9563]

You weren’t “lazy” by choice and mental illness was and is not your fault. It’s only taken me 60 years to get this through my head. I hope you can beat me.

[@phuongta5009]

My situation is a cycle when I felt shame about myself, I tried to do everything better to prove that I'm not that bad, I'm worthy. But then people will think I will sacrifice myself for them, or at least they think I can do everything so they pass on their task to me. Earlier I tried to be honest to talk to my mother to solve our relationship, and it resulted that she thought our relationship had become better (which actually not at all, it didn't become better if only I tried) and I had enough "mind" and "intelligence" to understand and empathy to her so she didn't put any effort to solve it. Then she blamed me for our situation kept being intense. I become angry and at the same time I felt shame and guilty because of the reason exactly as she said. Why couldn't I empathy and understand her? I know she had her problems, in reality she's not that bad as a mother, why couldn't I just accept it and be happy with what I had? At that time all my thoughts goes like "I'm so exhausted with this relationship", "I'm tired of trying", "I'm so worthless as a person and a daughter", "it's always my faults so why I have to try to be better person? Nobody appreciate it at all." My situation started from my teenage but I repressed it without knowing it's a mental illness. I thought I controlled it, because beside my mother I found friends outside. But it come back when some of my friends expected too much from me and when I couldn't satisfy them, they blame me for being a "bad friend". A bad friend after everything I have done for them, except for this one. I cut off those friends. I know they're toxic. But I can't cut off my mother. Now every time I'm angry with my mother, I feel even more shame, because she was not the one who made my illness worse. She played only the role of starting it and I was familiar with it already until my friends made me collapse. I even felt that I become as toxic as those friends and my mother for blaming people for not meet my expectation. I somehow can manage my attitude because I aware that my illness's trying to make me dead, however I can't change the way I think about myself and everyone. So it appears that I function daily kind of normal but inside it's a roller coaster or a storm and all the emotions make me exhausted. Actually after every try and failed, I find a way to release these emotions is writing/drawing. I writing whatever I think and don't care if it's appropriate. I don't need readers, they devaluate me and make me feel shame for writing anyway. This way or that way, I think I can bear my illness. But somehow, I just wish it disappeared and disappeared and disappeared already.

[@innernaturefoods]

Thank you for sharing this Dr Fox, I recently had an encounter with shame and intense guilt, this help me a lot to manage this in a healthy way.

[@jakeroe1327]

I experience this and I got to say from personal experience that the toxic shame can be developed from inconsistent and piss poor parenting like I experienced, it's one thing to make someone feel bad enough to be sorry, but it's a whole other thing to make someone feel like they are just sooo horrible. I still experience this toxic shame even 20 some thing years later but when I feel like someone is trying to make me feel that deep shame, I may do one of these things, maybe even all of them: Blow up at them, or I become really pompous and make them feel stupid for even saying anything to me, or I turn it all around on them and make them feel bad for trying to shame me, and if I am in the right mood, I might tell them to stfu before they get taken away in an ambulance, the thought of someone being shamed in a toxic way stirs up my anger too. But I love this video, it has helped me so much with fighting the shame, thanks again Dr.Fox.

[@jakeroe1327]

and yes, I do carry a sense of shame, some times it's so great, I want to die or disappear.

[@hjay26]

I tend to feel like because I am the one with BPD and have these different issues, it must all be my fault. Thank you for reminding us that we are not our diagnosis or the only players in negative situations.

[@betsystuart9130]

Postscript: sharing this, and investing in his published insights.

[@stavroulaantoniou9898]

Sometimes shaming isn't always coming from a place of " making you feel bad to motivate you to do good". It can also simply be straight out abuse meant to wound the person purposefully. There are some people out there not fit to be parents.

[@sascharaine883]

Making someone feel bad enough to do good things is a norm in our country's household. And it truly happened to me and even until as an adult, I had heard my father mention to my partner that I am difficult some time in the near past (considering I wasn't a problem child, I never had them called to school because of something I did at school. I was even one of the people teachers consider that are good examples.) Shame is something my parents made me feel a lot, especially in regards with sex. It took the better part of my ten year relationship to navigate through and try to fix that so that i can enjoy sex and orgasm without struggling with the wave of shame that comes with it. It's difficult to still be unpacking the stuff they've done and how it still affects me as an adult.

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

None of the therapists I've seen in my long therapy "career" deal with this topic.

[@DrDanielFox]

You may want to bring it up, if you're comfortable. Sometimes it's important to educate your therapists about you and your needs.

[@f.p.r.2658]

I love the point about toxic shame. I had never realized up until this point that a lot of destructive habits become ingrained the more one seeks to suppress these feelings.

[@rebeccasirmon5666]

Dr. Fox. I’m still in the process of finding the right therapist to treat my symptoms of BPD. I recently moved to a new city where my father lives and he and my half siblings make me feel inadequate because they are more professionally successful than I am. I’m the oldest of my 5 siblings one who is my whole brother. Anyway I feel intense shame and inadequacy because my dad criticizes me harshly although he hasn’t been a significant part of my life for decades and has told me I’m a disappointment because I haven’t accomplished much in life for my age. I’m the oldest in his 5 kids so I feel intense shame that he and my younger half siblings seem to look down on me. My family on my father’s side seem to be high on the narcissism spectrum and after what I’ve learned about various kinds of narcissism it can cause significant psychological damage to anyone especially someone like myself who was recently diagnosed with BPD. Terrible combination. The psychiatric team I have dealt with has been a big disappointment because they don’t seem to understand the disorder and I have been through 5 therapists who were not good fits. A couple of them ghosted me and even though their profile stated that they are skilled at treating BPD they seem to no very little about the disorder. All of this neglect and rejection has led to me feeling like I have absolutely no value or anything to offer and often I have self harming thoughts. To make matters worse my relatives here only reinforces my feelings of inadequacy and shame. Like in your video they believe that they can shame me into doing things they consider up to par with being considered a valuable human being. I wish the professionals I encounter was aware of the information you bring to your listeners. 😢

[@Jewels_8404]

Thank you so much for the time you take to make these videos. You help me immensely to see/have a better understanding and insight to see “what’s wrong with me” or see my patterns and thought process. For many years I didn’t understand why I am the way I am. I have seen many psychologists and they all say I have something different. It went from depression to depression and anxiety to severe depression as anxiety to bi polar 2 with agoraphobia to A.D.D. And now I’m not seeing anyone because I’m so tired of being on the mental health system roller coaster and going through so many medication changes one of which I believe caused permanent brain damage as I have not been the same since and that’s Effexor. I am looking for someone like Dr.Fox who specializes in BPD. A video on the BPD lens would be great! Ironically my husband was talking to me last night about how we are doing the best we have done and started pointing out that we have our first home that’s our own, I don’t have to work, our kids are blessed to be in private school etc. prior to him telling me these things I was expressing to him in a nutshell how basically I hate my life I don’t know who I am, I’m a horrible wife and mother... on and on. He tells me that he will love me through it all even though I’m not at my best and he believes in me that I can find the happy healthy me that he met 10 years ago. I realize I’m so blessed to have a supportive husband, but then I have guilt telling me I don’t deserve him because I’m not the woman he deserves. It’s a vicious cycle, a constant battle. Thankfully I have your videos that help center me and give me clarity. God bless you Dr.Fox , your a good man.

[@SureEh1]

OMG!!! my entire life my close family have name called and told me I am a terrible person and the worst of the worst when ive done something they dont approve of or if they want different behavior out of me.. i knew it was toxic but never realized this perhaps has a big effect on my personality issues and self esteem . your videos are honestly the best and most informative ..

[@itsJanCarlo]

This video was exactly what I needed today. Thank you for all the important work that you do, Dr. Fox.

[@adrianavazquez4700]

I am so glad you mentioned the part about growing up in a home where they have the idea of making you feel bad enough to do the right thing... All of my life growing up in a religious house hold I have felt this in every single way and I didn't know how to verbalize this

[@satsumamoon]

Interesting . I have a narcissistic partner and when I noticed that he tries to motivate me by trying to make me feel bad, I explained that "I dont know where you got this idea from, but it doesnt work for me, in fact it does the opposite, I cant function if I feel bad about myself " And then I explained to him what does work to mobilise me. I felt bad for him because this must be how he treats himself on a regular basis. He must think "if I dont do my chores this morning then my household management will fall apart , Ill hate myslef for being lazy, other people will think I am lazy," as opposed to "if I get all,of my chores done in the morning then I will feel relaxed and be able to the whole afternoon to spend doing something lovely" This woild explains the some of the stress he often exhibits before he gets round to doing things, or indeed why, when he decides to put something off, he feels guilty and cant relax whilst lying in bed with that movie or book.

[@hannalowercase5928]

thank you for this. you're clearly such an incredible professional and researcher, you seem very compassionate when you talk about difficult topics and you also have a lot of knowledge. i just want to take a moment to appreciate that and thank you SO much for all the work you do. seriously

[@luckyj.ferguson6308]

Dr. Fox, I believe I avoid shame by picturing myself as somebody else, have you seen this before?

[@nonycyi5952]

James Ferguson I DID THAT!!!!!!! For many many years and I just figure that out

[@cosmichymn1404]

I do that too.

[@benhayfield6182]

I often find that if I try and reason out who is really to blame I end up feeling cowardly or lazy for 'taking the easy way out and blaming others for things that are my fault ' my brain refuses to entertain the idea that it's not all my fault so any thoughts to the contrary must just be me trying pathetically to feel better by falsely blaming others. I find it very difficult/ impossible to accurately lay out who is a fault and I end up feeling worse and get really down on myself for not being man enough to take responsibility. the lack of any solid place to stand is super frustrating and leads to endless loops of thoughts with no ability to come to a true conclusion. telling what is true from what I've persuaded myself I want to be true makes all arguments ect plunge into shame and self mockery 😀

[@barbarawampler9043]

Thank you for this talk and thank you for seeing individuals as individuals and not their traits and diagnoses. I wish for you many blessings.

[@sandracoulon9231]

Thank you for being there

[@marieh9327]

This is my biggest issue. Thank you so much for your videos, they’re really helpful and make me feel less alone.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad to hear this and thank you so much for your comment.

[@cathichristian4142]

I was shamed a lot when growing up. I have a fear of being shamed. It has not been an uncommon experience for me for someone to ask me questions about a failed relationship and then start shaming me. For instance making statements that I "allowed it" sets me off into toxic shame! Or, I should have seen it coming and shame me. Dr. you are so great explaining this!

[@DrDanielFox]

+Cathi Christian it is my hope that you’ll build resistance to the shamers and have those in your life that lift you up and provide support that shame takes away. Be well and stay strong.

[@cathichristian4142]

@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much!

[@denisesalvaggio3dnailart285]

I want to thank you for making your videos, for the first time in my life, they’ve helped me to feel like I understand things about myself better & have hope I can overcome some of my issues I struggle with.

[@satsumamoon]

My best reccomendations for recovery from toxic shame to radical self love and acceptance are Matt Khans videos and EFT Emotional freedom technique. Also I think there needs to be an increasing awareness of the desired otcome (I love and deeply accept myself) .