The Stream - The reality of marriage with author Alain de Botton

[@DonWoschto]

You can still trust someone who is not 100% honest to you all the time.

[@memoryrinehart]

Ultimately where it counts I'd say no. That they'll keep their word for a meeting or helping you with a physical problem, yes.

[@memoryrinehart]

"Compatibility is an achievement of love, it shouldn't be a precondition of love." All that needs said...*******

[@DonWoschto]

Please don't interrupt people just to read out some facebook comments.

[@nait51]

the question of long term monogamy only becomes essential when children are involved otherwise each to their own and we cant force people to stay together if they dont wish to..it is another debate but at the same time completely part of the present discussion: do we want our kids to be brought up by a stranger? parents should find a way to provide a safe environment to their children...I find that people who had loving parents raisin them are happy adults...

[@memoryrinehart]

Yeah, in choosing the best negative, it's all about what you're willing to live with and what you're not.

[@carolkotcheck6065]

After just listening to De Bouton speak of people who never find love, the impossibility of that. Now I’m seeing this. How awful for him to spread misery as he enjoys long term love. Look at him! He is married, why say that no one can find love? I just think it’s dangerous and irresponsible.

[@memoryrinehart]

Remember Tom Cruz with "the one" (can't even think of her name now)? Now she's with another one.

[@memoryrinehart]

Also complimenting not complicating...

[@Beatriz-lj2td]

I listen and there very good points,I will add.awareness .

[@100001091057100001]

assumption is convenient delusion

[@AFREEMIND369]

Marriage has very little to do with love, what marriage says is that You don't trust the other person And must get them into a contract of ownership that bond and compel them to be with that person forever and if one should leave ,brake the contract in any way they will pay dearly

[@antpoo]

That’s one way of looking at it. What about a business contract? Locking a couple into a basic economic building block for the stability of society? One has to make the stakes high otherwise, being human, we will flip women or men as quick as we flip houses.

[@memoryrinehart]

Amen, loose Aquarius...

[@liina000]

So the best way to learn about self is to be in a relationship?

[@wiwiwafa6508]

💜

[@pains1956]

there is no perfect person for you..there is the person you will fall in love...healthy? healthy is staying in love..or keeping the love towards the other..this discussion is very supercial..you dont sacifice to someone..how horrible the view you have about loving someone... you come to know the other and what he likes.. my husband used to tease me and make fun of me..and made melaugh about myself.. dont agree with the woman -- my husband has been always a friend..someone whom I trusted blindly....

[@memoryrinehart]

Rabbit ears or devil horns on Alain @ 29:59?!

[@MaleOrderBride]

Hmm...i really dont get the point of these Talking Head discussions. It offers no practical relationship advice. Just vague descriptions of what each self-appointed "expert" thinks of love and marriage. It feels like just a Circle Jerk of academics trotting out big words with lots of syllables in an attempt sound intellectual. I would rather hear them use actual personal experiences of their spouse and not be so abstract.

[@allend433]

I hope your interpretation of this video is just due to being young. In that case, you might appreciate these views in later years. If you think these guys are using big words and being overly intellectual, forgive me for saying, but i find that a sad state of affairs. I found the commenters to be insightful and speaking at my level.

[@mashudakarbary1470]

MaleOrderBride oh my word are you serious? but think about it at the same time- do you think his wife would appreciate him using their personal life as an example? i certainly wouldnt if I were alains wife

[@KateLate____]

I agree. This is a terrible format. You get a very brief overview of each expert's agenda, all pieced together by some host, and injected with tweets. I'd encourage you to look up other videos by each individual presenter and take in more of their work. This video is really just a "taste" of what each has to say.

[@almamakoni7927]

+Mashuda Karbary I doubt that she doesn't understand.

[@antpoo]

Alain is so clear and concise and profound, it’s hard not to learn so much from him, open your ears and your mind a little.

[@pains1956]

dont agree .. they see love as something unrealistic..and how come u enter a relationship making the otherone aware that you MIGHT NOT stay faithful.. love becomes more deep and less lusty... so if you grow up and mature..u wont be seeking.."exciting"..of course you will feel jealous and hurt..this is ridiculous I DID FIND perfect my marriage.. I always enjoyed beingmy husband and never regretted marrying him..allthe contrary..he suprised me in a good way..mademe admire him more.. horrible discusson this is..people dont love each other..if they think it is difficult..

[@choedzin]

Like most people, Botton is so mired in cultural prejudice that he entirely misses some of the most important aspects. For instance, he equates love with sexual desire - which is a very romantic attitude - while cricizing romanticism. Fact is, humans are not by nature monogamous, so forcing everyone to live monogamously means that the vast majority of people are fighting against their own nature. This is the main difficulty with the common notion of "marriage". The Mosuo in China have a much better system, to my mind.

[@HelenMitchell1984]

Jigme Choedzin Balasidis what utter rubbish

[@choedzin]

Care to elaborate, give some reasons, perhaps?

[@HelenMitchell1984]

Jigme Choedzin Balasidis your comment is just senseless. You assume a great deal and don't address any of what is actually talked about. Alain isn't entrenched in pop culture he's simply responding to what people are doing and believing. I think your response is nonsensical.

[@choedzin]

I don't remember all the details of Botton's argumentation - I watched this video last year and do not care to sit through it again. I was not referring to pop culture, but rather to culture in the broader sense of the term, i.e., the customs of a society in general. I believe it was cultural prejudice in this sense that Botton seemed to my mind unwilling to question critically. Nor do I base my argumentation merely on assumptions. My reasons for maintaining that monogamy is only one possible type of relationship are manifold, and I mentioned one in my original post - the Mosuo, a matriarchal culture in which every woman gets her own room at maturity and is therefore fully free in her choice of sexual partners. Most women in this society practice a kind of serial monogamy, retaining a single partner for a time before moving on to another. Some change partners more often, and a small minority keep the same partner for most of their adult lives. This shows that lifelong monogamy is not the form preferred by free women, at any rate. So it can hardly be human nature. Another reason is that most marriages even in our society end in divorce after a few years, now that people no longer feel duty bound to stay together under any and all circumstances. I have nothing against monogamy for those who genuinely wish to live so, I merely find the assumption oppressive that all people must be monogamous because it's somehow the only proper way to live. This is the main thrust of my critique. "What people are doing and believing" can differ greatly in time and place, and I'm more interested in more basic truths. If you find that nonsensical, then that is your opinion.

[@mashudakarbary1470]

Jigme Choedzin Balasidis i think you would have to watch every single video of his on his school of life you tube channel to understand that no, this is not the case, alain provides a very broad perspective of what we as humans want and what is on offer, i dont think you would be able to see every side of alains perspectives from just this one video youv watched, yes i have watched every single video on his channel