The Trap of External Validation | Barry Michels | The Tools, Coming Alive

Most Men Allow Fear to Get the Best of Them. This Book is Not for Most Men. tripplanier.com/book
Note: This is a previously released interview from The New Man. It’s been a while since it was published, but the valuable ideas are still just as relevant today. Here’s an opportunity to listen again or for the first time. Enjoy!
Do ever you feel bad when you compare yourself to others?
Would you get pissed if someone called you “average”?
And what’s more important to you: being the best you can be or being better than someone else?
The Tools and Coming Alive co-author Barry Michels is back to discuss the trap of external validation. We’re going to talk about how trying to be better than others is an un-winnable game and how we can learn how to play our own game instead.
In this interview:
- Why seeking external validation through money, sex, and attention is an un-winnable game
- The difference between creating and getting
- What if you were to give up hope that you’ll ever get the external reward you want?
- The huge difference between being the best you can be vs being the best in the world (or industry, community, etc.)
- Why being average is so scary for so many
- How to tell if you’re being a “black hole” or a “sun”
- How to tell if you’re the icky sales guy (that creeps everyone out) or someone who inspires others
Barry was profiled in the March 21, 2011 issue of The New Yorker (“Hollywood Shadows, A Cure For Blocked Screenwriters,” by Dana Goodyear.). With his coauthor, Phil Stutz, he wrote the New York Times bestseller The Tools in 2012, and its sequel, Coming Alive, in 2017. He has published numerous articles in Psychology Today, Salon, and Quora. Featured by Joel Stein in Time Magazine, he has also been interviewed by Dr. Oz, Lawrence O’Donnell and Charlie Rose, and has appeared on ABC’s Nightline.
Barry has given his workshops at a variety of venues, including In goop Health summits in Los Angeles in 2017, in Vancouver in 2018 and in London in 2019. He has given a Google Talk, and has spoken at 20th Century Fox Television, the University Club of Chicago, the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, the Writers’ Guild, the 92nd Street Y and the Endeavor 2019 annual retreat.
Barry received his A.B., magna cum laude, from Harvard College in 1975, his J.D. (law degree) from University of California Berkeley, School of Law (Boalt Hall), in 1979, and his M.S.W. from U.S.C. School of Social Work in 1984.
He maintains a clinical practice in Los Angeles and teaches internationally.
Learn more about the book by visiting tripplanier.com/book
Subscribe on iTunes: apple.co/21rcPC4
The New Man Podcast: thenewmanpodcast.com
Tripp Lanier’s site: tripplanier.com
The New Man Podcast. Beyond the Macho Jerk and the New Age Wimp. Personal development for guys who think self help is for losers.
Entrepreneur, Startup, and Executive Coach Tripp Lanier covers the topics guys are hungry to explore but typically only discuss after a few beers. Each podcast consists of real world, practical advice so guys can rise above mediocrity and live a life of purpose and meaning.
Topics include: relationships, sex, dating, career, money, power, overcoming fear, fitness, inner game, lifestyle design, and spirituality.

[@jimangel3593]

It is a vicious circle of chasing our tail all the time asking for respect from others. Whenever I give real self-respect, I receive real respect from others, not by demanding but by feeling. peace!

[@rickdsanders]

Wonderful interview with great insights that come from the work Barry and Phil Stutz have done together. They are certainly giving so much to the world through their work. Great examples from the world of the famous who realize that external validation doesn't solve their internal struggles.Thank you Tripp for doing a great interview and sharing your own insights!

[@latypic954]

Great nourishing conversation...another evidence there is no great guest without a humble dedicated host.

[@quiquileroux7856]

Excellent interview. Valuable insight with an actionable tool - pure gold.

[@badbabyface5144]

Loved it! I’m stuck in a place where I’m trying to find myself. I have a lot of adjustments to do. When I lost my job and still haven’t been hired ( it’s 1 year)… I feel empty without a job…. See all external validation. I really would like to try and write a short story book… I just need to make the jump! What am I waiting for?

[@kirstenschreiber4189]

Good stuff

[@gaspardkassabian3364]

Excellent entretien ,nos ecclésiastique ferait bien de s'inspire de leur façon de voir le monde actuel pour trouver la paix intérieure, qui nous rapproche de dieu