The Ultimate Guide to Australia

The only guide you'll ever need.
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[@friendlyjordies]

Live show tickets: www.friendlyjordies.com/live-show Ulladulla | Bathurst | Avalon | Central Coast | Canberra | MORE

[@shinystarmiestudios4179]

Hackham: Split in half by South Road, and that makes all the difference.

[@edwardfletcher7790]

"Wahnambul" ??? WTF It's "War nam bool" mate

[@AmySoyka]

My observation/belief is that Melbourne's existential conflict is this: It was built to be a Futuristic Sci-Fi Tech Dystopia; but it is ran by people who are Nostalgic Folklore & Nature-loving Utopians.

[@BogdanWeiss]

WTF is happening with Aussie Cossack ? Busted by the AFP for exposing a pedophile ?? Citizens exposing corruption get locked-up & pedophiles getting all the protection... Is that the new definition of democracy !!! ??

[@lani6446]

Lithgow - For Your Own Safety Please Get Back On The Train

[@thisisbillgates]

I grew up in Adelaide thinking we had a rivalry with Melbourne. It wasn't until I moved to Melbourne as an adult I realised that rivalry is in Adelaide's head and Melbourne is completely unaware of it

[@PandaKnight52]

Same thing with the Melbourne Sydney rivalry, no one in Sydney cares xD

[@Sceusell]

@@PandaKnight52 lol everyone's punching up

[@Jordan-288]

@@PandaKnight52 Except Sydney does engage. Every time I see a Melbourne v Sydney thing the comments are full of people from Sydney saying what a dump they think Melbourne is. Whereas in Melbourne no one cares what so ever about Adelaide

[@brianp5344]

Adelaides rivalry is hobart, both shit holes

[@Rhythmattica]

​@@Jordan-288 Sydney engages with a reply., Its very different to the typical Melbournian approach... Ive never had an issue with Melbourne, well, except the weather... So yes.. Im with Panda. As im from Sydney I totally agree... as would most people I know.

[@lachlansmith8048]

As a Melbournian, I feel the need to clarify, we weren't trying to become London, we were trying to become Paris, don't ask how we fucked it up so badly, we don't know either

[@derekdalton5658]

Yeah. The "Paris End" of Collins Street. Always thought that was a wanker term (yet I miss it now I live in Adelaide)😹

[@ceevio_art]

You didn't fuck it up completely - you 100% nailed the arrogance!😍

[@translucentequivalent9754]

Pre-Covid , Melbourne was the only place in Australia that you could make money playing Post-Rock

[@jamescrab4110]

Paris at least cares about its heritage buildings, last time I looked Melbourne wants to be san Francisco.

[@petertrezise4545]

Henry Bolte fucked the Paris End. Same as he fucked St.Kilda Rd. In fact that monster, bolte, destroyed many, wonderful, old Melbourne buildings.

[@blakearius]

Non Australians just wont appreciate how spot on the Dave hughs impression is.

[@thisbubblygoodness7611]

the impression caught me off guard lol

[@darkowl9]

Wait, that was an impression? I thought it was just Dave Hughes.

[@zoogoo404]

The ferris wheel gets better. It's outside of the ABC building. You can't take good picture of the ABC building in brissy without either the 7 logo on the wheel behind it, or in the reflection of the windows.

[@Darcyolo]

As someone who has only ever lived in Darwin, all I have to say is, obviously they were boogie boarding in the drain during a monsoon because you wouldn't be able to boogie board at a beach during monsoon season because you would be instantly murdered by a box jelly fish and if all of that fails you will probably be eaten alive by a saltwater crocodile

[@chewyplayzyt4954]

Haha finally an accurate comment.

[@chewyplayzyt4954]

hi from Darwin by the way haha

[@Nalianna]

8 months of sharks, 8 months of jellyfish, 8 months of crocodiles. pick any 2.

[@chewyplayzyt4954]

@@Nalianna its all of them here

[@robertnabholz2062]

Should we be worried about how well Jordan did Dave Hughes' voice?

[@GingerNinjaPlus]

I wasnt watching my phone and thought it was a voice clip 🤣🤣

[@poshladdie]

Le Tan

[@icetbaggins7999]

I haven’t seen them both in the same room. Have you??

[@matthew3103]

That impression was truly gold logie worthy.

[@kevingeldard3550]

That was fucking shocking.

[@planetdisco4821]

I lived in a small town exactly half way between Bendigo and Ballarat. Used to flip a coin to choose which Bunnings I needed to go to. The only difference I can tell between the two towns is that one of them seems to have marginally wider streets and has a slightly flatter topography but I can never remember which one it is….

[@jamesdwyer6000]

That’d be Ballarat. Very hilly in the middle of Bendigo but even then I had to think about it for a bit.

[@fightington]

Bro!! Wtf!! Are you from Maryborough!! I just commented something about being same distance from both!! Hahau

[@liamblanco9641]

Guildford? Castlemaine?

[@mattymerr701]

All of that part of Victoria is flat as a tack. The mallee above also has to be the flattest place I've seen. Just nothing but flat as fuck farmland for ages

[@kaybee9363]

Both ancient tartarian cities.

[@theantipope4354]

"Sydney: Lazy Hong Kong" lol. Perfect. As an Aussie who's lived in Hong Kong, yeah, that's a pretty good description of Sydney.

[@Skeptical_Numbat]

*_"...It's like everyone else evolved from Chimps, but in Perth everyone evolved from Bonobos..."_* I want this on a goddamned t-shirt. I don't think I've ever heard a better backhander of a compliment.

[@azuquirtle]

As someone from Brisbane, the big shit thing is the traffic. Every fucking street is narrow and windy or a 4-lane main road, or somehow both at the same time. Oh yeah there's also the fact that once every 5-10 years that murky, shark filled river decides it's time for the city to go full Atlantis, and flips a coin for every person to decide if they will be homeless or a member of Clean Up Australia month.

[@pallor_mortis]

I lived on the Gold Coast for a decade and I’m still not over the really weird extreme dichotomy of theme parks, beaches and family fun with strippers, drugs and nightclubs that’s only differentiated by night and day. It’s like having our very own shitty slice of Floridian pie.

[@parhhesia]

I love how the totally different scenes share the same space. Like Cabramatta: vibrant family-friendly Vietnamese community by day, junkie wasteland by night.

[@xyaeiounn]

They're both roughly 3,000km from the equator

[@NarvinCheeWood]

When I first saw Florida I was like... this feels exactly like home... 😅

[@captainunderpants200]

Strippers and nightclubs are kind of just theme parks for a different audience.

[@sammo5786]

All reasons why I like to refer to the Gold Coast as "little Miami"

[@PyjamaLlama]

That Dave Hughes impression was fkn spot on. Even got the inflection right lol

[@adam88099]

It was scarily good!!

[@JosephKano]

I wasn't looking at the screen at the time and just assumed he had gotten Dave to do it. Had to go back and check.

[@studiggity7742]

It was incredible, just lacked a "faaaaaaaaaark" at the end.

[@thespamdance311]

A bit too funny for Hughesy.

[@looksirdroids9134]

Yeah it was good

[@Mr_M_History]

How could you do an ultimate guide to Australia and not talk about memories from primary school cross country? When's it coming Jordies!?

[@TheRealMycanthrope]

Hear hear! Hold him to account!

[@dragrider2277]

Hold him to account!!

[@uncoant4750]

Cross Country aka Hog tieing little kids with duct tape.

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

Perhaps, like me, he was glad to leave that torture behind-the only good thing about adulting is not having to participate in sports you hate.

[@williamchamberlain2263]

@@marmadukescarlet7791 trying to outrun magpies without getting heatstroke builds character

[@jasenanderson8534]

Brisbane is and always will be the little country town that tried to grow up. The roads and drivers are testament to that. You can go almost anywhere and bump into someone you know. Happens every few weeks.

[@k-leb4671]

Yeah, I always bump into a friend and then abandon them because another friend bumped into me, repeat ad infinitum, when I'm at the Burrow.

[@OpenSourceLowTech]

Freo: We said we'd turn up to the thing but we're not going to.

[@MrRammsteinforlife]

Freo: Hipster Central of Perth

[@johnmatrix5737]

Freo: Yeah, nah, just going to hang out at Hungry Jacks instead

[@vladimirglutentag1469]

Canberra: it’s just like a museum staffed entirely by public servants. Top attractions: the Australian war memorial, the national museum of Australia and ‘cunt mountain’ AKA Parliament House.

[@jarrodduffy7176]

Queanbeyan: not stoked about being so close to Canberra, but happy to get a cut of the rort.

[@adam8628]

You do know Cannabis is legal here don't you says a lot doesn't it 🤣😅😅😆

[@harry.4.2.0]

Lived here for 12 years and I'm still not sure where the National Museum is. Good place to live if you like nature and occasional Kyrgios sightings (he threw a basketball at my brother in highschool and didn't apologise the cunt).

[@AdamMotion]

@@jarrodduffy7176 This is the best description of Qbn I've read. Let's put it on the entry sign.

[@resikek1207]

@@adam8628 it's not legal is decriminalised; you can still be done for possession/intent to sell

[@-briggsy-]

An experience I had visiting my aunt in the Gold Coast was when I was wearing a Qld Maroons jumper and one guy insulted me and another guy ended up picking a fight with the other bloke and continued fighting whilst I walked away

[@eternalblue4660]

Hahahahaha how fucking awkward that must be

[@AJWRAJWR]

Go the Maroons!

[@privacyviolated583]

Checks out

[@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies]

FUCK thats funny!!!!

[@jangobaby6812]

No... That is gold!

[@zaarendhanbhoora6376]

Been in Perth most of my life, I am both relieved and disappointed that I've never been made aware of or been invited to one of these orgies. Feel like if I was invited to one though there'd be an 80% chance I'd see Troy Buswell there, not great odds those

[@BlindSkwerrl]

Living in Perth, I reckon it's just nice to be able to put the heater on whenever I damn well feel like it!

[@peterhoffmann502]

Redlands in Brisbane is for "The newlywed or the nearly dead" due to the abundance of schools and nursing homes.

[@gamedeathmatch]

Launceston has something called a convection layer that traps all the smoke in winter from everyones fireplaces inside the valley. Its great for asthmatics and means that its warmer than Hobart even if the weather forecast never says so.

[@magicyeti9782]

thats really interesting

[@ScottMurrayBestFamilyCars]

Sister town of Armadale, eh? Same problem/tourist attraction.

[@RATMbrad]

also in launceston we have a ridiculous amount of meth for the size of our population. it's like snow that falls all year round

[@godamid4889]

Inversion layer - it traps colder air under warmer air and traps smoke and smog. Tuggeranong in Canberra is famous for it, it's a decent health problem.

[@R00RAL]

@@RATMbrad Bloody hell, im sorry to hear that, I Absolutely LOVE Launceston. I went to UMC .. Was wanting to become a Pilot.

[@silverwing2244]

You missed the best part about the channel 7 Ferris wheel in Brisbane. Its directly in front of the ABC office windows just to drive in the difference in budget

[@daniellawson8182]

As a Geelong-ian we are generally regarded as melbourne-lite😂. Doesn't stop them arriving in droves along the coast in summer or long weekends though

[@AUDIOPHILEHARDCORE]

It took me a few seconds too long to realise that wasn't actually a clip of Hughesy but a Jordies impression of Hughesy 🤣

[@ScubesFTW]

So accurate

[@anthonyegudo6759]

As someone who grew up in Adelaide... what you said is spot on. Everyone who lives there constantly rants about wanting to leave... but never does because they're too content with their lives and cbf

[@TheJosh1337]

Adelaide is actually great, but no one from there seems to be willing to admit it. I guess I'm the same.

[@tyrschampion471]

I confirm this

[@tyrschampion471]

we low key rag on it to keep the Victorians out

[@JimOHalloran]

But will vehemently disagree when anyone from "the eastern states" says anything bad about Adelaide. Oh, and don't mention the Grand Prix.

[@ozvoyager]

@@TheJosh1337 The Adelaide digs are all part of a carefully-constructed ruse to repel outsiders. We don't want them spoiling our fun.

[@Antoine00000]

That was a fantastic Dave Hughes impression, truly incredible

[@BrissyBiker]

BrisneyLand: "The happiest place on Earth." Sydney: "Where a hedonistic global gay capital meets world leading greed." Melbourne: "Where existential dread vies with the AFL for religious dominance." Adelaide: "Fear and Loathing on the edge of a desert." Perth: "Where the economy is really just a hole in the ground." Darwin: "Where the only thing more punishing than the climate is the wildlife." Hobart: "What happens when cousins have sex." Canberra: "Where bureaucracy on drugs is more than just a way of life." Newcastle: "Home and Away on Meth." Wollongong: "Home and Away: The bogan version." Byron Bay: "Comfortable, calming and spiritually enlightening as a multi crystal suppository." Bathurst: "Doing our part for raising the national road toll for that one day every year." Geelong: "Why just only eat shit when you can live in it too?" Bendigo: "Breaking Bad for Melbournians seeking a more rural religious alternative." Mackay: "Hobart with extra dollop of racism." Townsville: "We gotta big red rock and a NRL team." Cairns: "We got rainforest and a NBL team." Gold Coast: "Where the only thing more fake than the tourist attractions are the inhabitants." Sunshine Coast: "We are Hobart with a better climate." Launceston: "Our cousins are more attractive than Hobart's."

[@thepoliticalgunnut8018]

Ballarat: Gold coated crack served up in a middle aged hookers ass.

[@pimgeon_]

Darlington Point: That town no one remembers for the birth of Bill Ferguson (Australia's Martin Luther King) and Dubbo (Dubbvegas as the cool kids call it) gets all the credit.

[@gabby1304_]

I know darlington point lol cause im from wagga

[@MrBarbeler]

You not having anything bad to say about Brisbane makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. So let's fix that by talking about Maryborough, Queensland (not the inferior Maryborough in Victoria). 3 hours to the North, Maryborough has one claim to fame. PL Travers, author of Mary Poppins was born there. She was so ashamed of this she blatantly refused to talk about the town until her death. Now there's a dedicated set of Mary Poppins traffic lights and a bronze statue of Mary Poppins in the CBD of Maryborough. Maryborough was going to be the capital city of Queensland, but the Mary River was too shallow. There's a giant statue of Ned Kelly holding a shotgun guarding the southern entrance of the town in Tinana, and it holds the dubious honour of being the only place in Australia that ever had an outbreak of the bubonic plague. Now it's so fucked by climate change that it flooded twice in the span of a couple of months earlier this year. It also once held the title of most pubs per capita of any town in Australia, and they even used to hold a city-wide Pub Crawl where you had to visit 10 pubs in like 6 hours to go for a Guiness World Record for the world's largest pub crawl. Eventually they scrapped this because they realised Maryboroughians shouldn't be encouraged to drink more than they already do. (Fuckin BUNDY RUM MATE). Anyway, that's where I was born and raised. MARYBOROUGH!

[@MrBarbeler]

@Reors we're always just happy to be acknowledged.

[@xyaeiounn]

AMusing, informative and probably factual, 9/10 well done smiley stamp.

[@sammo5786]

I've been to Maryborough many times and it certainly isn't the happy hole the name makes it out to be. As a child I'd wonder if this town could get any more bogan and then the prison came and yes my god it can get more bogan. It's the country town equivalent to mount Druitt. The train station is out of town so tourists on the tilt train can't see what they're in for. If the station was in the centre of town they'd look out the window and stay on the train to Bundy.

[@HotWupataro]

...and yet its still so very, very similar to the MaryBRAH in Vic

[@MrBarbeler]

@Aaron I'm doing the FraserPop convention as an author vendor in a few weeks at the Maryborough SHS. I'm really looking forward to it. As much shit as Maryborough gets, I will still always love it.

[@JKopter]

Ipswich: we took the worst bits of Melbourne and Sydney, so Brisbane could have the best bits

[@thewildwolf007]

So true

[@disndat705]

Ipswich is deadset the laughing stock of South East QLD lmao

[@mr.rimmer]

@@disndat705 I thought Logan was

[@robieburns7613]

Can't spell Logan without bogan if your from there

[@Ratched45]

@@mr.rimmer it's both, they're like twins I know cos I lived in both

[@brubobaggins]

Port Macquarie: A slice of suburbia in the middle of nowhere, home to 50% retirees and 50% teenage delinquents. Enjoy the Koala Hospital, where you can have fun trying to find the dying koala which DOESN'T have chlamydia

[@nuts1e]

try 80% retirees man, average age is older than the queen.

[@timjon605]

This is the most accurate representation of port Macquarie that i have ever heard

[@noisynobody]

Yep, this be the land of Nationals voting boomers. When it's not god's waiting room, it's an overpriced Byron alternative.

[@richardbaker2701]

You know your towns boring when young people there go to Coffs Harbour to “party”

[@bronwynobrien4899]

Slim Dusty wrote a song about us once....*crickets chirping*

[@brendanwessling4702]

Here's a better description for Toowoomba. Its like that old person you know having a late midlife crisis and tries to act all young and cool but realistically just looks even worse for it. Also tends to mimic Melbourne because of all the cafes and coffee shops it has all over the place

[@JezzaODoyleRules]

Brisbane is not a city, it's a massive suburb. Make sure you book parking 3 weeks in advance everywhere!

[@TotoDG]

Honestly, Jordies already near-perfectly summed up Adelaide, but I would have added this: Adelaide: The place that somehow consistently ranks as the 2nd most liveable city in the world, despite our emergency centres having more ramping than Skate 3. (Hey, what do you know, we _do_ hate our own city!)

[@TheCrucifiedClown]

#1 this year.

[@ceevio_art]

Its true! Back in the day I used to be in a pub/club band that toured the country for years. Perth, the locals would be like: "Whaddaythink of Perth? Pretty cool, ay!" Get to Adelaide, and the locals would be like: "Whaddaythink of Adelaide? Pretty shit, ay!".

[@Anonymousjoe64]

@@ceevio_art If you live in Adelaide, and you hate Adelaide, you're part of the problem

[@existinginaspace8347]

The skate 3 reference gets a pass

[@sang4399]

hahahah

[@taylor....]

I'm from Melbourne, I moved to Geelong for work, everyone is way more friendly and polite. Part of why I prefer it. Melbourne is crowded and that shows up in being angry. You're not fighting for personal space or starting a fight for changing lanes in Geelong

[@Enlight_Entertain]

same here. moved from Werribee to Geelong. Even I have to commute to 2 hours for my work in Melbourne couple of days, Geelong is best place for family. Good community. Best people. Only problem is high property prices.

[@taylor....]

@@Enlight_Entertain yeah cheaper in like City of Melton but you might know, Melton doesn't have a Hospital or a Westfield & as funny as that sounds. House prices in Leopold increased alot from the Supermarket becoming a regional plaza

[@Enlight_Entertain]

@@taylor.... Not to mention you live near kick ass beach strip and fantastic people. But price near Geelong city is very very expensive.

[@godamid4889]

Geelong is great. The access to the town's further down just keeps getting better too. Love that region.

[@taylor....]

@@godamid4889 Futher down? The Prince's? Too many tourist that don't do 100k until the over taking lane suddenly can do 120

[@IsaacButterfield]

You have my consent to use my incredibly creative catch phrases. Also to the people mad you mentioned me. Hahahahahaha Lel I win

Fuck em' all champion. You do you. 🙌

[@commemorative]

I used to like your stuff but it's a bit repetitive now and I've fell out of the "angry at the world white man" demographic, but you seem like you're doing well. Have a good one Isaac.

[@shaytrueblueaussie]

G’day Isaac.

[@Wagon_Lord]

the buttsman himself

[@KoalaEater]

F the middle east

[@vicca4671]

As a non-Australian, I gotta say that Darwin sounds REALLY aptly named to be the host-city for an official Darwin-Awards

[@dws84]

I’m from Brisbane, well said! You’d be just one of thousands who move up here to a better life. ☺️

[@mattr8750]

From Brisbane, Glad a foreigner agrees with my take on it, but PLEASE stop telling people! the flood of southerners will soon upset the delicate balance. If there was one bad thing I could think of for Brisbane, it's that it must be boring AF for tourists. ironically and probably because of the fact that its surrounded by loads of great tourist spots relatively nearby.

[@lorddashdonalddappington2653]

Yeah but it's pretty humid ay?

[@lapetitepapillon9101]

It will soon? It already has. There isn't even enough accommodation for the people that already live here after the boom of people moving up to Brisbane.

[@JonathanAdami]

Everytime I hear "Brisbane is so boring" my answer is "good, good... stay away!" lol I love it here!

[@richardfawke4357]

Yes unlike Sydney and Melbourne, Brisbane has no tourist attractions, no city zoo or Aquarium and no iconic world renowned buildings.

[@JonathanAdami]

@@richardfawke4357 we export all that to gold coast so we get to enjoy our life free of all this :D

[@jaredspence3020]

I moved to Canberra almost three years ago. Love it here so much. I can't say it's an unhappy place. However I would say it really is the city of the nerds. It's like high school but instead of the dickhead kids on the footy team bullying everyone, it's nerds who think the height of fashion is either Macpac or Kathmandu paired with a wide brimmed hat with the string that goes under your chin. Everyone goes hiking here and when they're not hiking they're walking around their neighbourhoods in their hiking gear. I once saw a bloke walking through the suburbs carrying a full 70L hiking pack.

[@AlexSchladetsch]

I mean what the hell else is there to do in Canberra?

[@godamid4889]

You will learn to love the wide brimmed hat in Canberra. You will burn twice as fast as anywhere on the coast.

[@godamid4889]

@@AlexSchladetsch if you're interested in national history - everything. If you are only interested in what normies like then everything that you can do in Sydney.

[@jubeman]

Hey man, I'm on my couch in my hiking gear, it's cold as here [in Belco]

[@DXPetti]

Benefits of living in a crater is there is a mountain/hill never too far to hike. Pretty sure the fashion of Canberra is a bright blue suit and a pair of RM Williams to make it "casual"

[@thetynmanfromoz6887]

Adelaide: - "It sucks, but at least we aren't Melbourne." - "Come for the Fringe, stay for the pot." - "A Godless city with too many churches."

[@purshottamadevadhikar5035]

Last one's fucken great

[@timothycullen8231]

Based on their town slogan at the time; Be Happy, Live in Dubbo (Pick One). Or Dubbo; Wirradjuri for /Red Dirt/ and that's about all you need to know. Dubbo; a great zoo, a shitty "Gaol" tourist trap, and the city everyone drives through to bypass sydney if they're driving from Victoria to QLD

[@OpenSourceLowTech]

Bunbury: Traffic roundabouts and aggravated assault.

[@OpenSourceLowTech]

I once almost punched a dolphin in Bunbury.

[@AfferbeckBeats]

We've gotta be the only place in the world to put traffic lights on roundabouts

[@johnmatrix5737]

Bunbury: Only place to visit if you get hungry before you get down to Busselton

[@kayhaich]

sounds like many towns in Australia tbh

[@ShannonN907]

Townsville: The mines meets the Army. What could go wrong?

[@kevinsmithfan37]

Wollongong 10 years ago: "give me your wallet or I'll fucking stab ya!" Wollongong now: "would you like soy or almond milk in your latte?"

[@hughhomshaw1619]

I don't know which is worse

[@The_Last_Ninja]

Maybe Wollongong 10yrs ago was: Stab ya, then take your wallet, no warning…

[@kevinsmithfan37]

@@The_Last_Ninja na, mate we aren't monsters....except maybe the lads that used to hang out the front of dapto shopping centre

[@esmeraldagreengate4354]

Sounds like I left in time

[@Knight..]

Nah, the violent junkies are still here.. they just use vegan meth now. The hilarious part is: I wrote this comment BEFORE I watched the video..

[@Rakkeyal]

Me sitting in Canberra: oh boy, what's he going to say. come on, lets have at it, give us your best shot. FJ: its cold and full of smart people me: oh. huh. well that is true.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

I found it to be cold and full of heroin addicts. Also got robbed by a property manager, experienced a home invasion, and was targeted by junkies in my street who harassed me until I had a nervous breakdown and moved back to QLD. Canberra is a rectum. Didn’t see any smart people either, just privileged public servants running a rort for their egos, friends and families. The wildlife and nature is absolutely gorgeous. But the people. The people. I just, can’t.

[@PGW85Productions]

As a fellow Canberran, testify.

[@scribojello3778]

so smart yet no one can drive properly haha

[@jayguy887]

As a Canberran, the road sign bit was totally inaccurate. You'll be hard pressed finding any roadside signage without at least one bent pole. it's like all the intelligence drains out once behind the wheel and dyslexia sets in. And the winter isn't so bad, it's the summer that's buggered. Combine heat, drivers and fuel prices, and forget Broken Hill - we are Australia's real White Line Nightmare.

[@bgrossman]

The cold's not even that bad unless you live in a place with shitty insulation. I've barely turned my heater on so far this winter

[@lukehamilton2900]

"Welcome to Bargo, home of the White Waratah!" "Huh? "The place where the first record sightings of the lyrebird, koala and wombat took place!" "Huh?" "An aboriginal massacre and periodic murders, anything?" "Huh?" "..." "Huh?"

[@jadsmvs8651]

Torquay, that holiday town where all the locals get shitty about it being a holiday town. By locals I mean people who moved there from the city 5 months ago and shafted the housing market.

[@rorywilson3252]

As someone living in Bendigo, I can confidently say the greatest feeling of disappointment and sadness in the past couple months was from learning that Ballarat got their Govhub before Bendigo.

[@ThomasThorr]

if it makes you feel better, I have lived in Ballarat for 3 decades and now I want to move to Bendigo (or somewhere else). This city has turned to absolute shit in the last few years.

[@iSobeyHvK]

@@ThomasThorr someone hit a pothole ;)

[@matyis6]

Personally I love living in Bendigo, the whole place feels like a Crash Bandicoot level, but instead of trying to dodge nitro you're trying to dodge junkies trying to bash you and children trying to rob you of smokes

[@ThomasThorr]

@@iSobeyHvK lost a friend to a pothole the other day... swallowed the whole car :s

[@DIRT4649]

You mean the towering ugly pile of shit that is an eyesore in the Ballarat skyline? That one?

[@ronanlo8743]

I think you nailed Darwin pretty well. Playing in pipes and drains got so bad here that they literally had to make a televised animated song to stop youth playing in them. IT SHOULD JUST BE COMMON SENSE!! If anyone has a chance to watch it, I highly recommend it "Don't Play in Pipes and Drains". Darwin: Yeah it's owned by China, but at least we're not Alice Springs.

[@donovanteale6502]

thanks mate

[@baabaabaa2293]

Or Katherine!!!

[@rmsteutonic3686]

I’ve boogie boarded in a storm drain before. I did it going away from the drain and stopped halfway to the next drain. Good times

[@Idpancakethat]

Yeah thats pretty much discribes Darwin. Then you have Palmerslum Palmerston a slum like Alice Springs, but with less secruity bars on windows

[@ronanlo8743]

@@Idpancakethatlived there and hated it, its just such a dangerous place

[@mathewrobson9968]

Caboolture: just don't look anyone in the eye, and you won't get stabbed (don't go to the train station when the sun's down)

[@evangelinebosanquet5073]

Caboolture: That weird state in the process of gentrification where you have upper middle class housing developments 2 streets over from a dilapidated meth house.

[@alisonbeech1805]

Caboolture: the Northside Logan

[@Hughyj]

Bendigo is just hot Ballarat and Ballarat is just cold Bendigo. That’s the only difference

[@bossjohnson678]

Townsville. "Who stole the pushbike i stole?"

[@Jenny-nz5fh]

You win

[@bossjohnson678]

@@Jenny-nz5fh Unfortunately

[@theAussieOutlet]

Brisbane: Now it’s raining, now it’s not. Now it’s cold and now it’s hot.

[@liesha7495]

😂😂😂 I love your pronunciation of Warrnambool.

[@carlosspiceyweaner4995]

not sure if he's doing it on purpose or not haha

[@cilstr]

@@carlosspiceyweaner4995 I’m wondering the same!

[@Marshtial]

Incase you're wondering which between Newcastle's love for art and kfc is stronger, we paved over some ancient aborigional artifacts to string up the largest KFC in the southern hemisphere. Priorities

[@robieburns7613]

And then it got it's windows smashed 🤣

[@Manawatu_Al2844]

You're not taking the piss right? Jeez.

[@Antechynus]

It's apparently got a fair few virtue signalling pc wankers....

[@JewTube001]

fried chicken or rocks dude, take ya pick

[@corneliusmaze-eye2459]

PORT MACQUARIE The summer holiday your Dad takes you to every year, because he can't think of anything better.

[@johngoodwin6800]

Elphinstone, Victoria, sung to a tune by George Thorogood. One Bar, One Shop, One School.

[@echo3191]

Stroud nsw. there's a pub, an IGA which used to be a pub, a post office which also used to be a pub and now featuring a state of the area country club which may or may not have once been a pub.

[@mathewtoll6780]

I am from Newcastle. I can testify, people throwing things or yelling from cars is a thing. I don't know why. I guess it is because there is nothing to do if you don't like the beach or the lake.

[@amberruby4896]

So it isn't really a thing in other cities? I just thought it was normal haha. Nelson bay: one giant retirement home for Sydney

[@kevinsmithfan37]

the one time I when to Newcastle this happened kzbin.info/www/bejne/epmof3x8dsadaNU

[@hardcoreharro]

Yep I've had eggs thrown at me in Newcastle from a car.

[@algardaus]

I just thought this was normal, but now I look back this has only ever happened to me growing up in Newy. Shit aye.

[@healz8284]

Literally happened to me when I was there

[@hazzelonline8718]

Port Macquarie "It's like Coffs Harbour. Now with concrete Koalas to replace all the real ones!"

[@looksirdroids9134]

A phrase that sums up my town perfectly is "You've never heard of it until you've moved there"

[@joseppi78]

I’d always laugh at Sydney and Melbourne having this fight of “whose the better city” since federation and joke that Brisbane is clearly better than both of them. I’m glad that Jordies agrees with me.

[@coolcoconuts4453]

I live in the Deep South of Adelaide, we dont even have town. The slogan for the area would be "Woop Woop, where everyone thinks you're taking the piss when they ask for directions because all the places have names that sound like you made them up on the spot"

[@ThatGuyMagnum]

Brisbane is either something about how "brisbane river brown" is something I've actually said to describe the colour of something, or just "Brisbane - you like some fucking hills?" Sunny coast is just an old man going off at you about how Caloundra used to be called "clown town" while you drive past a shed that you're pretty sure is either housing a meth lab or a cult - or both.

[@jangobaby6812]

I've had a tonne of fun driving those hills

[@nigle_homeless1761]

Port Macquarie is a giant nursing home where everyone can drive (just as bad as it sounds) and the only reason the average age isn’t 80 is because of apprentices and uni students that were too lazy to move to Newcastle.

[@omegaelement]

As someone in Perth, I am unsurprised you get asked to join orgies. It's a city where you gotta be able to make your own fun, so yeah, it checks out. Also there is a North Vs South unspoken civil war based on which side of the river you're on.

[@nyrkyg2213]

Fuck south

[@JM-wt4bf]

I've been here 7 years and I still don't understand the North and South civil war but somehow understand if your from the other side it explains everything wrong with your personality

[@DeepSeaLugia]

It’s said that North living people have big egos They are the kind who attend UWA and get caught in high school for certain entrepreneurial ventures and boy school elitism

[@heidiosborne6638]

the same exists in sydney and melbourne, pretty sure every city has their own version

[@ricopuper]

As a person who has lived Newcastle my whole life, that is correct, especially the very last thing you said about it.

[@TheReignOfChaos94]

Newcastle: If Hipsters were methheads. Wyong (North Central Coast in general): Where the methheads who get gentrified out of Newcastle go...

[@izzi7438]

Your pronunciation of "Warnambool" is adorable 😂

[@Vormund]

Adelaide was summed up perfectly. Your show last week was fantastic btw.

[@frankcourtney6413]

Croydon: An hour and a half commute to the city with 50 year old Brick veneers costing well north of a million because Tradies have to live somewhere...

[@douglassmithe9799]

I'm guess that's not the Croydon in Sydney

[@frankcourtney6413]

@@douglassmithe9799 Sydney has a Croydon????

[@douglassmithe9799]

@@frankcourtney6413 It does, I think there's a Croydon in NSW, Victoria and South Australia (maybe in the other states as well)

[@k-leb4671]

All I can think of is the Croydon in London. Now that's a dive.

[@hippopilot6750]

Brisbane: We're not the first capital that comes to mind

[@lost_in_ideas6792]

Yep, the story at 6:36 is very true. I do remember seeing some kids boogey boarding in the drains. They also seem not to care about safety. "ahh yeah mate you wanna go to the beach?" that is a classic conversation in bloody wet season. Darwin people are really just built different and I have no idea how I survived 3 years there.

[@OcarinaSapphr-]

Mackay: it’s won at least two Tidy Town Awards- but its’ greens-keeping plan hasn’t been updated since the 90’s (& it shows) Or Mackay: despite being a city since 1918 it’s retained ‘small-town charm’ ‘til about 10 years ago- complete with a virtually archaic bus service

[@slaterpearce5766]

Mackay, a better version of rockey but a shitter version than Townsville

[@OcarinaSapphr-]

@@slaterpearce5766 🤣

[@lukegumbi]

@@slaterpearce5766 spot on

[@NoMusiciansInMusicAnymore]

Holy shit, you nailed Dave Hughes except you forgot to add in "I'm aaaangreee" and then he smiles because he made a joke that the crowd found funny but he didn't get

[@S.park.y]

LOL the brissy roast ended up being a roast of Sydney 😂😂 UP THE MAROONS

[@LemmiwinksH]

Port Macquarie, has nice rocks. Also has plenty of people on the rock.

[@olavsantiago]

Should do a fictional town review, from erinsbrough (neighbours), summer Bay (home and away), the shithole place in flying doctors, the town where some of the dead came back to life (fuck knows where - was a series on Netflix). Have vague memories of "son's and daughters" being dark and depressing, wherever that was suppose to be set.

[@flaccidweentheii6684]

what you said about the Vibe of Melbourne being that of a constant intermission between art/theater shows is on point, having lived here for half my life. Even in the outskirts near Frankston where I live. I get that vibe whenever i head into Franga, considering one of the first things you see when entering the place is a giant chrome Gnome on the entrance highway right outside Frankston hospital. but just 2 mins down from that is a theater building the size of an entire block. In fact the entire highway up into Melbourne from the mornington peninsula has this "artsy" architecture to it.

[@TeenyTika]

funnyest thing is w all the construction and 'yuppyfying' theyve given frankston, all the new people are coming in and then getting shocked about the news reports. eg i had an old lady the other day mention the stabbing down gallery lane aka ultraviolet-lights-to-find-veigns-easyer-for-junkies-shooting-up lane, acting like she could never have thought such a thing to happen! especially from little kids!! like ahaha yes lady, thanks for telling me, it isnt new. its franga baybeeee like sure u can move new ppl in n make property more expencive but theres still the govt housing around n the abandonned building next to maccas tht all the homeless live in. ull never get rid of the locals. dont even get me started on the fucking dandenong kids, ugh.

[@bleeksbentbits3150]

Port Macquarie; Dubbo by the sea Taree; It sure aint Newcastle, but at least it we're not in Port Macquarie any more Dubbo; "Next stop Dubbo, for your safety CountryLink advises all passengers to get off at Wellington"

[@shaytrueblueaussie]

Nice to see Taree finally.

[@BettyNuggs]

I'm so glad Australians voted Labor! Now Jordies has made this guide to Australia and I'm finally ready to go exploring the country!

[@nublet_101]

if you go roadtripping i definitely recommend checking out streaky bay SA, its a very nice small beach town

[@tankatim13]

Wood ridge. The train station that you miss on purpose.

[@ThomasBanksDrBoon]

Bathurst was pretty spot on. Doesn't matter how fast you drive in this city, you're getting tailgated.

[@kayhaich]

Bathurst is a city?

[@bigmate4721]

You need to break the big cities into chunks. Inner Melbourne: Hipsters and bubble tea shops every 10 metres Northern suburbs: Kebab shops and caravan manufactures Eastern suburbs: Bricklayers and drum circles Southeastern suburbs: Bay views and deros Western suburbs: Fallout wasteland

[@bigbrothertw]

bethesda fallout wasteland or interplay fallout wasteland?

[@jamesking7946]

Nah inner Melbourne is trust fund babies and bubble tea shops Poor hipsters in the north middle class ones in the southeast. The rest is spot on.

[@Deschutron]

@@jamesking7946 you need to break the Melbourne hipsters into chunks

[@kayhaich]

@@Deschutron I got you hungover hobo hipsters in the north Entrepreneurial white bread hipsters sticking out like dogs ball next to ethnic cultures in the west (or hipsters too poor to even afford to living in the north now) vapid trust fund, art, clubbing and aging hipsters in the south Nesting family hipsters in the east Incubated yuppie hipsters in the CBD

[@samdean3299]

I know a guy that swam across a river 20m from a croc (that went in after he did) for a tenner. 0.5G of weed in Darwin

[@DoctorProph3t]

That’s win win, if he lives you’re thoroughly entertained, if he gets eaten they won’t beg you for a tenner anymore.

[@7h3_man]

I don’t know how to describe Mount isa other then Gina’s personal cigarette

[@RictusHolloweye]

Mt Isa - In case your diet requires a rich source of lead.

[@StaceWah]

Wow! And LOOOOL

[@early2000skid]

The only downside of Brisbane is literally everytime anyone says "Brisvegas," unironically.

[@MR.LMR1996]

South Australian here. Adelaide is a city-sized retirement village. And all the care takers are addicted to ice.

[@fortawesome1974]

Yeah you got Brisbane right!! I got sent to boarding school here from Maitland in NSW and holy shit I never wanted to leave here to the point when I joined the Infantry I wanted to be posted to 6RAR (one for the history of the Battalion but two because it's based in Brisbane)!! I did go there twice but had to go to good ol Townsville as well to be in 1RAR!!

[@leahw2124]

Omg the Dave Hughes impersonation spot on. Loved living in SA. Southern SA is great. The rest is crap.

[@theenemyarea7969]

Saying Warrnambool how you say it is a crime

[@georgepeterthony9011]

New Zealand: Where the people wish they were under the Australian Labor Government right now. Bugger it, make New Zealand New South Wales again, you can have us.

[@NeilBlanco]

BAHAHA!!! That was brilliant and accurate down to the Rozelle workers cottages. Lived in one for years! 😂 Oh and your Hughesy impersonation is on point... 👌

[@hatandbeardmedia5925]

Eltham, Victoria: If you love trees, white women sitting in cafes wearing yoga clothes, and under-age stoners this is the place for you!

[@spenserphoenix]

Pretty much all north east Melbourne 😂

[@professional_barbie_girl9737]

And don't forget the dog shit! Highest dog population in the state

[@Saxdude26]

Coburg, Melbourne: Every Nonna greets you saying "you remind me of my grandson/daughter, you seem very clever"... and all Nonnos meet outside the fish n chip shop every morning to listen to the radio being drowned out by traffic.

[@maximusdecimus1374]

ELTHAM NSW: exactly the same except its smaller, the only building is a pub, and the yoga people are usually just passing through from Byron.

[@the_nerdy_athlete1405]

Grew up in Eltham. Can confirm.

[@zenithperformancefitness6897]

That hughesy impression was terrifyingly on point

[@1morbidity]

Midland: With its warm climate and lush vegetation, its the armpit of WA.

[@rhyno_plasty6470]

You missed an opportunity with Canberra: The highest capital. Not only do we have legal weed here, we're perched in the F*&$ing mountains. Probably explains why the pollies always come off so dopey; most of the bastards suffer altitude sickness coming to parliament and can't focus on good policy (or they've got it chronic in the closet)! The fact that it's cold as a witches tit here half the time is just a good excuse for no one (not pollies, not public servants, not the bloody baristas at the 6 cafes per capita) to want to be here. The mass exodus for the cold months makes the ABS stats on residence look like the deciduous trees that Walter Burley Griffin decided needed to be planted EVERYWHERE!

[@patfase]

As someone who grew up in Canberra but has lived in Melbourne for 15 years, your assessment of both cities is spot on.