The Viral Love Story That (Almost) Made Me Never Want To Date Again

[@hellostephco84]

Hello There! Doing this video brought up ALOT of personal feelings for me about my experiences within the Church and the pursuit of "Godly" relationships. Anyway if you just want to hear about the video controversy and DON'T want my personal anecdotes (understandable) please use the chapters! Also this: 13:22 was not a mistake. I simply did not want to sing again lol. Thanks for watching :)

[@Nat0528]

Just want to say, we love and appreciate you hun ♥️

[@nitafaye8295]

Hey love...!!! So so glad I came across the page... let me gift you. If u have a P.O. Box let me know... I think you’re so beautiful and relatable. I got some holiday nails I’d love to give you... (I’m a nail tech). You’re facial expressions SEND me... 😩😩 I can watch you on mute and be tickled. You’re adorable and REAL.❤️

[@odetochef]

I hope you weren't behind blocking the responses to Kareem's post. We were on topic and your video DID spark the dialogue. Anyway as always, another Great video!

[@jenhaze]

Thank you for all your videos, fav!! Love your work. I was raised catholic, but I became pretty agnostic after leaving Catholic school after 7th grade, which helped me see beyond a lot of the rigid teachings of the church that can make you feel so *lacking* when you don’t live up to their one size fits all standards. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic!

[@tashvelez7286]

Stephanie girl!!! 🤣 when u broke out singing the "white" version vs "black" version i literally laughed out loud. But on a serious note, not all songs are meant to be sung in the black version and vice versa.

[@sharon-bp9pk]

I just hope you know… your vulnerability and eloquence is very inspiring to see. As a 21 year-old Black girl in the UK, I’m very grateful to have someone to look up to who doesn’t feel so polished and inauthentic. Keep going! Thank you

[@cindy.highlights2854]

That’s so right !

[@Mariely1]

I’m 23 and I have learned so much from her!

[@kevi.d.9779]

Same I'm 18 and this is sooo right!

[@gabriellehanks6850]

This🙌🏾

[@ivoriangodess1]

I totally agree with you beautiful... She's a wonderful women who's definitely an inspiration to us all.

[@sarebear7777]

I've dealt with a man who was similar. He literally told me he wanted to mold me into the wife he needed me to be but refused to take me out on a date because I wasn't good enough for him. I'm just glad I didn't ended up wasting years of my life waiting for a man who refused to see my value.

[@Liliithchild]

I’m so sorry you went through that, that’s terrible. Fuck him, you’ll get better. ❤️

[@MrsNicolas]

I've had a guy do this to me. Funny how many claimed that they want natural hair, but this one didn't embrace my natural coily type 4 hair. He wanted me to press it in order to take me out. That was the last time I pressed my hair, and dump him right after. Never again!!! Yes....he was Black 🙄

[@raerose3421]

Yesss!!!! #truth

[@cristinarivera5707]

That’s abuse plain and simple! He wants to control and belittle you. You want an old school woman but can’t even court her in an old school fashion.

[@sewgeekdesigns9113]

Same…one wanted me to lose weight and dress better.meanwhile he was fat,ate crap,and barely showered….

[@geminate3997]

As we get older that is the only way it can work. My husband asked me to marry him twice and he’s a good man and a nice guy. It was and is still the easiest relationship I ever had. Do the work on yourself and make sure you have similar values and choose someone that treats you well.

[@whatsup9993]

I’ve had a HS relationship with some for 5 years and it was the easiest of my life… better than my adult dating and people keep saying well it wasn’t a real relationship because we never had no problems and when I mean problems I mean arguing for nothing with no point to get at or just nit picking just because they just wanted to get under my skin…

[@whatsup9993]

with someone*

[@Myaccount923]

@@whatsup9993 5 years is a long time and love is love regardless of the stage of your life. You just love differently the more you know. And you are actually purer when you are younger, people get older and bitter and distracted by these so called adult “problems” and having more responsibility doesn’t mean turning that energy on your partner

[@whatsup9993]

@@Myaccount923 you know when you put it that way… that’s a good way to put in perspective

[@laurawilliams4087]

I'm 31 Christian female virgin and waiting till marriage is HARD. No one told me in my 30s how hormones go to through the rough. Its hard finding a decent Christian husband as a black woman. But I'm waiting for marriage for God not necessarily for a man, but because I want to please God. But to be honest looking back I saved myself a lot of heartache by not having sex. I'm not a single mother and have no baby daddy drama. My life is pretty free and peaceful right now.

[@NBid-rp9ch]

Love this. Keep at it sis💪🏿🙏🏿

[@harperproduction3935]

@ Laura Williams, Why are you waiting 4 marriage? Believe that good men are truly rare If your mindset is that you are waiting, it means that eventually you will find a reason to settle with a man who will know exactly what you have been waiting to hear your whole life. They all play a monstrous mind games with us all. Keep saving your money, prepare financially 4 the babies that you want. Work extra hard to secure your own support system of devoted friends & family. Buy sperm, make sure you create girls, give them your name only. So that no part of the patriarchy can never reduce you to being a whore, a gold digger, a bitch ruining an innocent man's life for child support, to pay her bills etc... You are horny, spend a little money on a gigolo. Keep your heart, your mind, your environment clear of those chaos masters. Struggle love is nothing to aspire to. Men vampirise our essence. We are enough. No need 2 compromise. Keep your power & potential to yourself.

[@ladystalker3953]

@@harperproduction3935 Hmmm! Interesting. Never thought of thing that way

[@phoenixrising9390]

I’m a 37 (soon to be 38) year old Christian woman and waiting until marriage. I, too, am grateful for the peace of mind that I’ve experienced as a result of choosing to wait. And I wholeheartedly believe that’s one reason why God designed sex for marriage - to avoid unnecessary heartache and disappointment. Stay steadfast in the Lord.

[@kandacewalker848]

Black women really need to rethink Christianity. I will leave it at that

[@user-kr2ty9vk5n]

The thing you said about the tattoos and piercings is true. People are SO superficial and basic. Before I got piercings, people said I was boring. Now people think I'm "cool". Steph, your depth makes you more interesting than like 90% of the American population forreal.

[@cvzdez]

I don't like tattoos

[@lavonnealexander6936]

@@cvzdez I am okay with them on other peoples but definitely not me.

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

i don't have any & no one thinks i'm boring

[@X3N14]

What they’ve built is admirable as far as their career and lifestyle goes. Their relationship dynamics however are downright SCARY. The BM warship is sickening. If you have to chase a man or wear them down, he’s not for you. If he demeans you, he’s not for you. BW, we deserve better. Please go where you are celebrated, not just (ab)used and tolerated.

[@DawnNa_22]

I agree wholeheartedly. I’ll never understand women’s obsession with black men to the point of psychological and emotional abuse. Never let anyone treat you as though you’re less than. I personally don’t believe God sends anyone to us who treats us like that unless it’s for a season if growth - not long term and certainly not to marry.

[@marquistf1996]

Exactly. Move along dusty, there’s no space in my life for disrespect

[@Nat0528]

@@DawnNa_22 speak sis speak!!! The bm worship is at an all time high! SMFH! In that first video he gained so much pleasure from putting her in her place and saying vehemently! “I didn’t want you! I wanted a relationship, just not WITH YOU!” Even though she didn’t show it, i know those words cut deep, and he’s sitting there kee keeing and pretending it’s all just jokes! 🙄 Like sir huh?!

[@alexish8183]

You don’t know their relationship dynamics. You don’t know her desires or how he makes her feel. Please be mindful that what you see via social media is not an accurate depiction of a full life.

[@alexish8183]

@dark dorothy you’re entitled to your opinion. But the same point applies. You know absolutely nothing about me. Please be mindful, for your own sake, when forming full opinions with minimal information.

[@cristinarivera5707]

Steph, I truly love your videos and I’m exactly where you are at. I’m 34 years old and I no longer have it in me to be “fighting” for a relationship. It needs to be easy and peaceful or I’m out the door. I grew up seeing lots of women tolerate all sorts of things from the men they loved and let me tell you, those women ended up resentful and bitter in their later years. Life is too short for all that!

[@sweetlyketoffee]

Same!!!!

[@lavonnealexander6936]

Exactly! I just blocked this foolish dude, I definitely don’t want his ass back.

[@CatEyeGem]

This

[@markigirl2757]

Yesss to thissss

[@evaphillips2102]

I’m 22 and over it. If I’m more stressed with a man around than without one then that’s not a man for me.

[@maggiep_]

I haven’t watched their whole video but from what was described and talked about in regards to Tobe…..all I have to say is that he’s African. I’m African (Congolese) and I don’t want to lump all my African brothers together … BUT that sort of mean, dominant, ego-driven “I am perfect and I can do no wrong” behavior is common amongst some of them…And I agree with what you said, it couldn’t be me!

[@NellyMacharia]

As a fellow African I am in complete agreement with your observation on our African brothers.

[@lauralarson3111]

Reminds me of my dad :(

[@alextroy9202]

I agree (from a Nigerian-American)

[@alextroy9202]

@@lauralarson3111 right lol

[@inchrist8486]

Yep, pretty much. My dad (haitian) and my husband (african) but minus the mean, dominant factor. They just think they're perfect and blameless 🤦🏾‍♀️. Lord have mercy.

[@go_off_Sis]

Actually it’s very COMMON for BW to get mocked and ridiculed by their BM partners. Especially in the older generations. It’s to keep her self esteem down so she doesn’t think too highly about herself. BW accept this treatment as “joking” or “that’s just how he is”

[@missdesireindependance5194]

I had a friend whose boyfriend would call her coo coo and she would laugh and say that’s how he jokes with her.

[@go_off_Sis]

@@missdesireindependance5194 She accepted the okie doke. If you notice that in a lot of Bl families, the fathers, uncles etc. NEVER compliment their wives outside of sexual innuendos nor their daughter’s.

[@missdesireindependance5194]

@@go_off_Sis Yes I definitely noticed it. I feel it’s because they are afraid if the women get compliments she may feel to good about herself and leave.

[@BlkOnyx0508]

It's toxic and disgusting 🤢

[@Sarablueunicorn]

If it only happened to BW. It's a dynamic associated with low economical and social status that in USA might be more associated with the black social class. The men are extremely low status in society and the only way they find to elevate themselves is to put down females since they're also afraid that they might ascend over them. Be keeping someone beneath them they keep this above ilusion. They are too weak and low to compete with other men to ascend socially.

[@WilliamsPinch]

The way you articulate your experiences is THERAPEUTIC.

[@manuelakmdz]

TRUMY AGREE

[@Pagesandperfumes]

I'm actually surprised that was the video people reacted to. There is another video of them at a radio station and he really makes me seems like she was no where near his first choice but she basically wouldn't go away. It shows that this is consistent in their relationship

[@kikibrown9548]

Wow! What a horrible position to be in.

[@missmiss6516]

Where is that video?

[@VLM123]

Agreed---she was determined to push and pursue this guy who was not interested in her, and she basically discarded her whole self to morph into whatever he wanted her to be when he finally accepted her, I guess. I was with a narcissist briefly, and that's exactly what he wanted from me--to be, act, and do whatever he wanted to satisfy his needs and wants.

[@Giggles50]

What was his first choice? Seems like an undesirable guy with that attitude.

[@ginsu_pd]

Damn

[@natalierose1072]

I gotta say, if she really has all these undesirable attributes he claims she has, doesn't it speak more to his insecurities/control issues that he "chose" her? Like if you're so great doesn't you choosing someone "beneath" you speak to you feeling the need to be above and better than someone? I suspect he sees her greatness clearly and is hella triggered by it so keeps her under his thumb. It also lines up with narcissist behavior. A narcissist feels entitled to the best in all areas of life. He wouldn't be caught dead with someone truly "beneath" him. Not trying to make her out to be the victim, she may be just like them, I'm just saying well adjusted, kind ppl don't speak about their partner that way.

[@Ray-pp5qb]

WHOOP! THERE IT IS!

[@JulianSteve]

Interesting take. You made a lot of points🤔💯

[@missdesireindependance5194]

Great way to view things. If your so great you should be able to attract greatness.

[@kasandimulaa9999]

this is one of the best youtube comments i've ever read, he was giving hella narcissist

[@kasandimulaa9999]

Anyone that tries to act like you are beneath them already feels like they’re beneath you. They see your light and they're trying to dim it but in the process they're putting out their own flame...WILD

[@jordantaylor6827]

The way you broke down the issues with purity culture was beautiful. As a woman who also grew in purity church culture, I wish I could’ve heard something like this when I was in my 20s. Now that I’m in my 30s I have accepted that I might not get married and I shouldn’t pattern my life as if I should. It would’ve been an easier transition if that message was always there.

[@cherishdeb]

I agree 100% and it hurts because we were all duped by not understanding the reality of life. The guy who wrote "I KISSED DATING GOODBYE" has now renounced the book and Christianity. He's no longer a Christian. He realized he hurt a lot of ppl and he just didn't understand life

[@TomikaKelly]

The thing is, for many marriage is political and economic based. For many Black people, marriage is socially based. Our social views and society have changed but our views on marriage haven't.

[@saramatthews7159]

You're only in your 30s...lol...why does the journey for love have to end there? Women in their 40s and beyond find love and get married all the time.

[@dr.gwendolyncarter5048]

Side note: Your profile pic is beautiful! 💖

[@sfox6237]

@@saramatthews7159 exactly! My Auntie found love at 45 and he’s an amazing husband. She’s happy she didn’t give up on love.

[@nomathamsanqajezile6985]

This put the hugest smile on my face - I share the easy relationship sentiments. My 30 year old self ain’t doing it. If you are janky then ‘leave me alone!! Please leave me alone!!!'

[@smilergal89]

Okaayyy. Life is beautiful, I’d like to keep it that way

[@shontasweetieable]

I’ve felt the same about someone… I just knew we would be together… and he friend zoned me… literally what happened to me mirrored how they met… but we never got together and after watching their video I’m glad because I would’ve been with someone that settled for me and never loved me… everything happens for a reason

[@anissa2361]

Yeah I had a similar experience. He was a Christian guy and I hadn't had many Christian guy friends. We had been talking (& facetiming) & texting for 5 months. I had to basically say I don't know how you feel but we should hang out to see if we should just be friends. We went on one date and the next day he said we should be friends. Conversation started to fizzle out and I could see the lack of effort on his part so I stopped texting him.

[@JulianSteve]

@@anissa2361 Good for you Anissa. You made the right decision💯

[@marie-francoiset9402]

@@anissa2361 5 months is a long time to wait to meet. unless there are extenuating circumstances.

[@anissa2361]

@@marie-francoiset9402 Yes I agree.Wr knew each other previously. We had met two years ago, but weren't friends then and didn't really keep in contact.

[@tblub.9270]

As a 46 yr old woman who is currently going through a divorce from the man that she thought she’d forever be with, I can say that I just love the insight that was shared here in this video. Especially the last few minutes. My husband is upset that I finally filed and he constantly tells me that I’ve made a mistake and for a while I felt that I may have. We were married for 20 yrs, together 26 off and on. We’ve gone through so much but I noticed that I was constantly trying to mold myself into who he wanted and I was trying to mold him into what I wanted. Neither of us recognizing the quiet struggle that was was ensuing in our hearts. He says I pushed him too much. At the end of this I can really say that if I have to continue to tolerate a relationship like the one I’ve endured, then I’d rather be alone. I have no desire to spend the middle part of my life fighting for a relationship that I probably should’ve let go years prior.

[@baddiebee1400]

Your Final Thoughts were a WORD. A big word ! I’ll be 33 in exactly 1 month and as we embark in this New Moon, I had a similar epiphany: What’s for me is for me and it will be easy. I should never have to FIGHT to make it work, fight to feel loved, fight to feel admired. Like you said, the red carpet should be laid out. I had that before … someone who made it so easy for me. I didn’t appreciate it. Ran into an a-hole afterwards. Lol but that’s okay. WHEN I run into another great person, I’ll know what to do this time around. Thanks Steph 💜

[@iv1908]

Girl, I share your EXACT story. I too will be much more appreciative the next go round. 🤗

[@merlene_k]

I'm 26 and i 100% agree with you. If it doesn't come naturally, effortlessly and passionately, i don't want it 🙅🏾‍♀️

[@sketchpadangel]

Relationships take effort. You will be single forever if you expect it to always be easy. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and not every year was easy but it has been worth it.

[@merlene_k]

@@sketchpadangel the honey moon stage should absolutely be easy. But i do understand that its not always easy after a while. The beginning should never be hard tho

[@SapphicSis]

@@sketchpadangel You have to know that something is worth someone before put effort into it. I think your comment is a little bias because you had to like him a little bit to get married. I’m sure we’re talking about people who we don’t like off rip

[@iguessitsokyungrichbaby2813]

@@sketchpadangel dating was different 10 years ago

[@rebashley]

I've come to the conclusion that many people don't watch your whole videos before commenting. Your perspective is always laid out from beginning to end and people love to jump to conclusions.

[@teemay967]

No that’s too much control for me. I have to be the prize. I had a pastor pursue me and I didn’t like it. I felt like I was loosing myself and everything had to be about him. Therefore I broke the code of ethics and married a guy I grew up with, he lived in the projects up the street, 🤷🏽‍♀️. He works, take care of home, cook, clean and don’t expect all that extra bull 💩. The men in the church don’t like him because he don’t fit their narrative. I don’t care. I married who made ME feel comfortable. I would have cursed Tobe out.

[@lavonnealexander6936]

😂😂😂😂😂😂You go girl! I would done, the same shit.

[@TVwriter23]

I know that's right. You saw he wasn't right for you.

[@BlkOnyx0508]

🎯

[@lenebrantley221]

Being a First Lady of the church is hard work. You always have to be on. It wouldn't work for me. I get tired of folks fast. 😒

[@SWANIE-D]

"YOU GONE TALK TO ME NICE" Flips hair. That was everything for me! 🤣🤣🤣

[@christinedianyee7972]

Heck yeah you gonna talk to me real 😊

[@rae18..58]

Love that mindset, what's for me is for me and I won't have to cry, chase or beg for it 💅🏾

[@joeannchaney1219]

Sorry. This man completely demeaned her and she put on track shoes to run after him and force him to be with her. Her black male worship was on full display and I cringed the whole way through. Maybe you should of watched the whole video, Her life should not be looked at as goals.

[@dianasohn2515]

I wouldn’t say she forced him to be with her. She moved on but allowed him to be friends with her. HE WENT OUT N SAW NO OTHER WOMAN was going to “hold him down” through being broke etc. n decided she was worth it after that. He came to her n asked her for a relationship. She put her foot down n said no sex and he asked to marry her. Still I feel he didn’t deserve that second chance but I wouldn’t say she force him

[@lenebrantley221]

@@dianasohn2515 He saw no other woman was going to put up with him disrespect and belittling. He needed a submissive woman with low self 🙃

[@zhaniag5661]

“You gone talk to me nice!!” I know that’s right, Steph.😂😂 I watched all 4 parts of their story and an interview they did- I had hoped it would turn around and he would be nicer smh. But my thoughts did not change. This is simply one of those situations you gotta step back and say, “girl if you like it, I love it😒” great video as always!

[@jduce68]

My sentiments EXACTLY! LoL I always say "If you like it, I love it- but for YOU"

[@zhaniag5661]

@@jduce68 THAT part! 🤣

[@HoneyBlissClothing]

"And when we meet, it is a mutual understanding that the next chapter of our lives has arrived ." - Oh! Stephco That's the energy 🙌✨ love that!

[@Adrieanana]

I would never pursued him if he didn't have the same amount of interest in me at any stage in my life. It's really sad she settled for that

[@Nat0528]

My sentiments precisely!!

[@madamepaka]

exactly. her self-esteem must've been shot to hell to even fall for a person like that.

[@curtisbjj]

I feel like everyone missing that she is rich now and don’t have to work and she won!

[@taybee4653]

When people show you who they are believe them!

[@curtisbjj]

@Jason02 S. so -called happiness is an illusionary concept unique to westerners

[@leahswenson7776]

I don't like joking like that at all. Saying mean s*** and then just saying no I'm joking isn't funny to me. No you're being an ass and trying to get away with it. I also grew up in the church having a relationship with God so someone undermining that is also a huge no go for me too. But if she's happy that's all that matters.

[@olgas9970]

“I was clearly running a different path” and your facial expressions made me smile. Stephanie, I’m 22, white, and work in a different industry, but at least to me, your personality speaks to me. Thank you for the videos and great content!

[@FightsRightsAlways]

Judge Lynn (the last judge on divorce court) said, never let a man tell you more than once, that he doesn't want you. Even before she got with him, he would ignore her and tell her constantly, that he doesn't want or like her. What's even weirder, is that he kept on saying he didn't like her all throughout the video. He didn't even use it as in a past tense. He just kept saying " I don't like you". Phat worships the very ground that he walks on and continues to do so to this very day. But the amount of love and admiration that I see her give him, I don't see him giving to her. But that's just social media, so who knows how loving he is behind closed doors. But still......I side eye them both.

[@rosasellers1813]

The singing portion is sending me. I know those two extremes all to well 💀. When will people see black women’s humanity were not all the same with the same values. I grew up in a black church where the pastor would freakin yell so loud and loose his breath and run up and down the aisles of the church and sweat 😂 but that was all I was exposed to now that I’m older I hate environments like that. I get overwhelmed and over stimulated I’m like calm down! 😂. HSP here.

[@tamera605]

Same. I cant deal with the church olympics

[@fefe5205]

🤣🤣😂

[@FightsRightsAlways]

You ever have the urge to trip some of these people, running up and down and screaming cause they got the holy ghost in them?? I have lol

[@ladymacan7874]

Same sis. I can’t do the chaos now. I shut down.

[@Delaine2000]

That’s sangin 😂😂😂😂😊

[@hottstepher]

The part about purity doctrine…. at my church growing up, if a young lady got pregnant she had to go before the church & basically “admit” that she sinned & made a mistake & ask the church for “forgiveness”. I ALWAYS felt like that was just ridiculous. 1st off, GOD is the judge of sin, not your church. 2nd where were the young men who did the same?🤷🏽‍♀️ I never saw them up there 🤔

[@nzeadidnazi8410]

so what?...this is giving BW PTSD lol...the sisterhood of bitter-leaf soup having flashbacks of Future & Ciara relationship...differences is Future was not wilingl to sacrifice his life to be with Ciara lol....😂😂💓

[@elle_l808l]

Not me waiting to hear your singing voice and being met with "no signal" 💀💀🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😂 you're hilarious

[@rinam3904]

the way you describe what you feel and what you see in people’s intention and energy is SO PRECISE and well said! i love it! love from canada ❤️

[@nicoleslade213]

I truly appreciate your transparency about these topics. You are very brave ; these KZbin streets can be verbally brutal !!! You have a remarkable gift of rekindling memories of others; while painting a picture of your experiences... Thank you ... I see & appreciate what you're doing .... ESPECIALLY for those whom fear sharing their pain. We need to have these discussions .

[@doca5385]

Given an unsolicited clinical perspective too many black females subscribe to struggle love. I see thousands of women who worship these men who have literally told me as their doctor that they despise these women. Getting married is no prize … having a loving reciprocal relationship with someone is idea. Even the show Harlem on Prime demonstrates black women begging , chasing and lowering ourselves and expectations just to be claimed by a man . I sincerely want better for us… it appears that is just a fantasy. Struggle love is here to stay 😫

[@Nat0528]

Preach!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Struggle love isn’t it! BW have to give these dudes a dose of their own medicine! Stop capping and putting all that energy in the aesthetic of blk love‼️ And find someone that truly values and respects you, regardless of what hue he comes in! And that’s on period‼️

[@Kiara-xh3he]

Exactly thank you for this! I know so many BW dating men and being in relationship with black men that don’t even compare to their success. It’s so wild to me. I refuse to settle with a guy that doesn’t meet my standards.

[@125loopy]

Religion trains black women to settle for struggle love. Between purity culture, submission, and the Bible forcing low self esteem on them, they're doomed. I rejected religion from a very young age because I knew I was a beautiful and compassionate person who deserved good things. Christians love to tell you all the things you're going to hell for like any of that matters. I refuse to suffer in this life on purpose for some empty promise of heaven. Life is not supposed to be miserable. Love is not supposed to be miserable.

[@Kiara-xh3he]

Yeah, and also dating men that can meet you financially where you need to be met. I know some of my other black female friends making six figures or who make a lot more than their SO’s, or who are in the same relationship for years without any progression just to say they have someone.. like girls what?!?? lol.. no ma’am no thanks. Please meet someone who can give just as much or more than you. Don’t settle.. not worth it ladies.

[@bethanycoleman426]

@@125loopy It's not religion though, it's Black culture. There are plenty of religious women of other races who aren't desperate like that. Let's be honest.

[@sysye]

I have blue hair, tattoos and piercings and I too feel like I'm boring, it's an internal thing not a exterior one 😊

[@CrystalLovee]

you think people view u as boring?

[@sysye]

@@CrystalLovee No, I think i see myself as boring therefore i think other people do to. Our mind is a strange place lol

[@hellostephco84]

Absolutely.

[@gabriellehanks6850]

I felt like he was doing that classic narcissistic "negging" that a lot of Narc and toxic men do where they give thier significant others' back handed compliments and insults disguised as jokes. When ppl call them out they say you're being "too sensitive". He had this pompous aire about him that I've heard is common in a lot of Nigerian men so it may have been a cultural thing. I wonder what Fat's background is.. I'd be willing to bet that she's not Nigerian because he had this attitude that she was lucky he picked her. I feel like she might be a Black American or a Caribbean cause he had that "you're beneath me" thing *some* Nigerian ppl give off around blacks who decsended from slavery. Disclaimer: I'm not saying all Nigerians are like that so don't come for me ppl.

[@avaphynx]

She came from a broken home back ground. He even made jabs at her "running away from mess" when she left Michigan.

[@design401]

It’s interesting you say that because I do believe that to be a slave in Nigeria is something that people look down on. To African Americans it’s weird. Not sure. If you’re African or not...I was asked by a Nigerian man if I was Ethiopian and I was like no...I’m American I am a descendant of slaves, He was like wow... You would admit that. Knowing what I know now that was totally cultural in his book. I’m actually not Ethiopian but I’m actually a Fulani.... at least my ancestors were.

[@oliviatiwaladeadedokun2929]

West African Men

[@frenchmayonnaise]

This clarifies a lot of my interactions with Nigerian folks at school 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@mojadah10]

@@avaphynx wow

[@Abmarp]

I can’t be with someone who talks rough with someone either. Talked to one a few months ago. And nah. I’m tired too sis.

[@Babyluv_]

“You gon talk to me nice” 😂🤣 yes girl!!

[@AnalyzewithAstephen]

He was out of pocket!!! Colorism, featurism, and textureism all that is real

[@annj871able]

This is really Black male Christians that I grew up with. Super got character, values, morals...but there is an added complex that I just can't put my finger on. They were moral in the world sense, but rude to their wife or every other person than their wife. The trauma I experienced behind "nice" men like this. Purpose driven a-holes. I get it They are not morally corrupt but their manners were. I got stories on stories on stories of men like this. How duplicite they were...they were "good" guys that were not challenged as they were "purpose driven" as long as their dogma was built into christian morals they were worshiped as Kings in the Black community because, at least thery were not thugs. They often turn to get married and never know their blind spots and wife -splain answers to women bc they never connected to any women except for their wives. Often resulting in isolating single women in the church. Look at how Lecrae treated Candice Bembow and now he posing with his shirt out....I'm just saying the jury is still out....but it is still a product of white patriarchy.

[@anissa2361]

I'm unaware about the situation with Lecrae. But I agree with what you said. Preston Perry talked about this in his instagram live how Christian men think they are entitled to a perfect wife and have this ego about them.

[@onyx1654]

what do you mean by 'wife-splain'? Also, don't think that this is a result of the white patriarchy. Sometimes black men can be held accountable for their actions.

[@annj871able]

@dark dorothy To be clear, alot of Christian religion is colonized, so yes there is data and resources that back the idea that it is. African American Religion was almost my minor, so I know do know a good bit of the principles learned in my studies. Also, being a project manager of a Summer Beach Project with a campus ministry, I have antidotal examples that back those principles. Also, yes you are right Black men do.habe their own patriarchy Two things can be true at the same time, though I was speaking of American Christianity with Western views.

[@annj871able]

@@onyx1654 see note at dark dorthy about white patriarchy thing. Wife splain is my own term. It's when a man can't relate to you as a woman thus he uses his wife's view of him to explain things and empathise with you. He often assumes u have the same emotional complexes as his wife. They often explain things to women as very gendered and how his wife understands them, rather than just speaking with you from a humanity type angle. I had a manager explain to me that his outburst was not anger but passion. He gave me several examples of how his wife now sees his rudness not as rude but a misunderstood personality trait and how his wife was able to view him better after she knew why he was so passionate, so he should not change. Yes he was Christian, yes he was a leader. I had another Christian brother explain good things to me too, still from.the wife angle. Compared all women's giftings to his wife's giftings, how they should serve and see their giftings like his wife did. All male giftings as just general, human, self possessed. He was super cool. Its a thing...actually a married woman pointed the phenomenon out to me. Its just a world view....

[@GetKaseFit]

I agree with every single thing you said! I had an ex like this and him and his friends were all exactly the same way!! They call themselves “good” because they serve in church and don’t smoke weed, but were HORRIBLE people to others and my ex treated me like complete and total trash

[@taneyat6_33]

I love how deep , intelligent, truthful/transparent & analytical you are. I think you're an empath & I relate so much to you. I really believe God has a huge plan for your life.

[@chiadi9713]

The singing part had me SCREAMING!! 100% true. That’s why I never joined my worship team

[@karinal75]

I love this entire video essay. Especially the first part about church and the purity indoctrination. I was raised in a Muslim household and everything you described was similar. I was never comfortable with the idea of living my life as an audition to become a mans wife. Especially because that expectation was never placed on the men.

[@rebashley]

"living my life as an audition to become a man's wife" You hit it on the head with that line!

[@anissa2361]

Ohh this phrase!

[@ninaaden8338]

I feel like with Islam, it isn't so much the religion that imposes "auditioning to be a man's wife" on a woman, but a person's particular culture and the pressures that come with it.

[@ninaaden8338]

@Jason02 S. I disagree.

[@karinal75]

Yes but culture is influenced by religion. Muslims believe that anyone who marries has completed half of their religion. Couple this with honor culture, There is a great emphasis on women to get married to preserve family honor and culture.

[@KJ-df9oz]

Every dysfunctional aspect of their relationship felt so familiar to me. Thank God I divested before it was even considered a movement. How can you allow someone to beat you down mentally and emotionally and accept it as normal? That was rhetorical... Never again.

[@taybee4653]

Loved this video! Also, stop making people your relationship goals, you think you know what happens in their relationship but you don’t. You never know what goes on behind closed doors

[@genesisc6281]

I do hope that she’s genuinely in a good marriage that suits her and fulfills her expectations. But this could also just be trauma bonding. Like Tobe could be hitting all her trauma points and attachment style in a way that makes her feel absolutely out of this world. Which could explain the way she looks at him. I could be reaching but iono let’s not assume the relationship is a good one. It’s real easy to be unaware of manipulation.

[@SisUhLee]

Yes to all of this! I think so many churches position the husband (and marriage by extension) as the ultimate prize, the ultimate testament to God’s favor and love, etc. (I remember hearing sermons about how women were supposed to submit to their husbands as early as children’s church!) That coupled with society’s hyper-focus on marriage, and on singleness being seen as a personal failure (often on the part of women) makes a lot of women feel like they need to endure any and every kind of “preparation” or poor treatment from the man they believe is their future husband to get to the altar. (I’ll never forget hearing from a certain promise-based female minister and her husband that he would “test” her-as in make her life hell-before marriage to make sure she was worthy of being his wife, and wanting to crawl out of my skin!) I’m glad to see more of us women unlearning that thinking-and understanding that peace is the ultimate prize, whether you’re married or not!

[@rebashley]

Hunny you a PREACHIN!!

[@jasminehill6312]

Say it!!!

[@calculatedsteps7755]

🙌🏾

[@Chevonne8]

Sounds like a lot of y’all churches taught y’all wrong. It is never taught in God’s word that people should be focused on marriage. It is more so enjoy yourself as a single person because you deal with more when in a marriage. Just as wives should submit to their husbands it is the same thing for the husbands to submit to their wives. People have to learn to read for yourself because some folks will twist the word in order to fit their narrative!

[@jasminehill6312]

@@Chevonne8 Yes!!! You got single women spending their whole lives waiting on a husband that they're never going to get.

[@Mariely1]

Everytime I watch your videos, I feel like I gain something… advice, insight, different perspective. You are full of wisdom Steph.

[@rasman1876]

Sis, lemme tell you, you had me dying when you started singing. They wanted you to bring out your inner Shirley Caesar lol.

[@TheDKShow]

That color on you is everything! I’m demisexual so I can only be attracted to men I have a strong attraction to and feel a mutual emotional connection (in some way) to. I dated for 2 years before I started dating my husband and I was tired after just those two years chile. I feel you on that.

[@anissa2361]

I'm dimsexual too. I thought I was asexual until I fell for my guy friend. 😂

[@TheDKShow]

@@anissa2361 Same. Well other ppl thought I was.

[@anissa2361]

@@TheDKShow Lol, my guy friend thought I was.

[@bonitapandora]

No one should fight for anyone to love them. The video honestly reaffirmed in me that I should wait on someone who accepts my love. I’m not about to fight for a dude who keeps saying I didn’t want you when I saw you, nah chief lol. Also Charlotte Russ clothes wasn’t all that but still that was the trend back then. I’m confused on how someone so spiritual wanted his soulmate to be dripped with swag. Swag not going to love you through thick or thin nor rich or poor.

[@sholay706]

She fought for her love and won lol why you all are still single and bitter

[@dreameva1400]

@@sholay706 not true she doesn't have a ring nice try lool

[@dreameva1400]

@@sholay706 I'm not single and bitter

[@dreameva1400]

@@sholay706 I'm getting married next year to a Hispanic man so hahaha lol

[@sholay706]

@@dreameva1400 good luck make sure your you treat him right

[@jenniferlacorazza1575]

Steph, I am sure you heard this before. But when you meet the person you are meant to be with, there will be ease. No questions, no waiting.No none sense.

[@Boahemaa]

He may be a jerk but she let him. We let ourselves get trampled on by our partners because we would rather be with them than stand up for ourselves. It happens and in the long run its not worth the sacrifice. Ask Rachael Hollis.

[@alextroy9202]

People would rather be in a relationship then be alone

[@kookiemonster8673]

Well said 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@Tnc874]

Lets not keep blaming the woman... i put responsibility where it belongs... men seem to get an easy pass for their doggish behavior

[@IagainstI.]

@@Tnc874 Your point is understandable, and while she isn't to blame for his treatment towards her, she is to blame for tolerating it. Life is hard, as a single black woman, I get it and I know from experience, but you can choose to go at it alone at your own, peaceful pace than crowd yourself with negative energy and live in chaos with another person. He gets a pass because she allows it, we need to hold women accountable for tolerating abuse.

[@btiaf777]

You never miss, every word is on point. We could definitely be friends in real life lol

[@MissGrandeko]

I really appreciate how you break down your opinions. Like out the gate, from the little I heard previously of the story on Twitter, I was like "nope, don't care, he's unredeemable in my eyes". But then you provided context to your religious upbringing, and the purity culture that I didn't know was a thing (I went to a non denominational white church the majority of my life before my beliefs changed, so I felt your pain there), and I could start to see why Marika stays with him. You provide the side of her autonomy, and her knowing what she is doing/signing up for and possibly why this relationship works for her despite what we see. Do I believe she's being abused to some degree? Personally, yes. But you really opened my mind up to such a different possibility that could also be happening. Thank you

[@nessawithsmiles]

The worship team examplesssss😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@design401]

Trust me Sis when he’s the one he decides fast and it’s easy. You won’t have to do what Fat did.... The only way that dynamic works is because he is a narcissist.... They don’t really love the person they are with they love what they can do for them. He even said that on the video. Her love builds him up.

[@HealedByJesus20]

Amen!!! A man who wants you, who found his wife, will let you KNOW!!

[@adeliat3983]

Great video Steph! totally get how you feel, I pray my next relationship will be one of ease as well. We tired out here in these streets! Sending positive vibes to u from Trinidad and Tobago 🇹🇹

[@JinjiSayson]

Wow, I'm glad I went to bed super early and woke up so I could see this :D haven't been here this early yet, yay! Excited to watch. Always love your authenticity and wisdom Steph ✨

[@Syren90...Aka9]

Same. It's odd but a blessing. I'm NEVER up this early.

[@SimplyaLady92]

Pretty fresh face

[@TheKrystee]

You gon talk to me nice!

[@icedcocoa221]

periodt! 🤣

[@rae18..58]

Love that!

[@lacecocoa6272]

Facts

[@zeewann]

I've cancelled family for being rude. Lol.

[@Nat0528]

Period!!!!

[@theidlecreative1155]

This video resonated with me sooo much. “I don’t have it in me to fight nobody to love me” I felt that in my soul. Love your videos! 💕

[@michelleforte8669]

I left the "ideal" idea of dating and marriage and family when I turned 35. I like my singlehood. Nowadays there seems to be attacks on "The Black Woman" just for simply her skin color, her hair, her body, being born and existing as such. #TurntOffNow

[@MYMusicMYLove]

I'm going to screen record the singing bit and send it to all my friends 😂😂😂😂. That was too relatable. Sincerely, A survivor of a non-denom 😂

[@Mariely1]

I’m letting the ads run thru completely cause u deserve it. Thank u for being so vulnerable cause idk if I could do so publicly but thank u again.

[@vanillabeam81]

"I don't have it in me to fight nobody to love me"... Touched my soul...🙌🏼

[@PrincessJasmineWorld]

I RELATE. Ik we're not boring, but aye ... if it takes alladat to be interesting to look at... look elsewhere. Don't try to dress me like your personal barbie. I'm all for complimenting one another and being on one accord, but that level of control tears down a sense of self and replaces it with a sense of dependency and doubt. Never settle. God can do exceedingly and abundantly of anything we could ask or think... Just because he can doesn't mean he will, because people are out here desiring their wants over His will. 🤭🤷🏾‍♀️

[@Girlintheewild]

This! All of THIS!! 👏🏾👏🏾

[@dr.gwendolyncarter5048]

Amen!

[@cyn7993]

I admire someone who takes a different stance . Bold and breath of fresh air.

[@stephiered4648]

Your future husband is going to be a lucky man.

[@Pjazz1]

“You gone talk to me NICE! 👀” Yes Steph! That’s how I feel…

[@TheRenee10]

My mental health is better overall when I'm not dating and being bothered by men

[@Nat0528]

Steph your take on this is unique, nicely stated. However, with respect to the video, I couldn’t even get through the 4 parts. He came across as narcissistic and self absorbed. I’m sure that’s not the entirety of his personality, but sums it up IMO. I personally disliked the manner in which he spoke to her immensely. To me, women, especially BW should be wary of men like this, regardless of what they’ve achieved or is able to build; because you will always feel like you’re playing catch-up and NOT fully valued by your partner. Relationships that like this will end one of two ways: (1) With him wasting a lot of of your years and youth, (even if he does marry you) then leaving for the woman he reveres and his preference‼️ (2) Or he’ll stay with you but cheat all the way through, BECAUSE you were never his preference and you’ll put up with it because you’ve invested much and he’s always been valued above yourself‼️ Sistas, we have enough ish to deal with already, to compound that with choosing and men that doesn’t or don’t choose us‼️ Ladies, go where you’re valued & genuinely appreciated; not where you’re simply tolerated‼️

[@anissa2361]

Yeah he does seem like he has a big ego.

[@Nat0528]

@@anissa2361 lol and I don’t know why! I wouldn’t even glance askance at him 😩😩 I guess to each his own! I don’t care how much potential I see, you treat me like trash, you go to the 🚮‼️

[@Myaccount923]

@@Nat0528 his wife has no self esteem honeyyyyy cause…

[@senoracheapee1864]

Everything you said🙌🏾

[@suoutubez19]

yes, i agree with this. she also made a comment that she doesn’t “see” a woman who’s being manipulated or mistreated. that stuff would not be visible to the outside. especially not on the internet. and i’m surprised that her one interaction with this man has made her think so highly of him!

[@tracypereira2553]

I loved that "you gonna talk to me nice"! Damn right! Stephanie I love your videos!

[@LuvLight44]

The Ginger is 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥I’m about to watch the video now💯💯💯💯

[@SamMKKK]

I know you were being satirical but that Oceans auntie break spoke to me immensely. I said “SING MAMA” 😭😭😭😭😭

[@starRavenCraft]

“You gone talk to me NICE!”…. I felt that in my spirit!!!!

[@iwannaquit6200]

The pains of dating/marrying a Nigerian man

[@SJP43]

People got dupe by the optics of it all. Before seeing the how they met series I seen one music video it was cool. So I then watched a couple of interviews to get a feel of their musical story and I seen that Tobi narcissistic abuse on full display. I literally seen Tobi and “Fat” interviews together and he’s always talking!!! Talking over her, under her and around her! Always downplaying her. He’s constantly reminding her she’s unattractive and he chose her. He’s rude and disrespectful in the interviews I seen before and after that how we met series. That man is a narcissist!!

[@tblub.9270]

He tells her she’s unattractive?🧐😫🤔

[@ForeverPalestine]

Omgosh your singing impersonations killed me 😂😂

[@wisdomdantecourt8179]

This video was traumatizing. I'm with you for throwing the whole relationship goals theory away after seeing it. MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!!!

[@VenusianLissette]

I love your personality, and I appreciate how honest you are about your experiences. And tbh………I agree, hell no. If it wasn’t for my current partner, I definitely wouldn’t be dating anymore either. After a while, the dating scene feels so bleak and it’s a recurring nightmare trying to find your person. I commend your truth, thank you

[@bhadj1285]

That weird moment about piercings and tattoos threw me off. Not everybody with piercings and/or tattoos is "the life of the party" cause they can be boring. Just cause someone has those things doesn't mean they're interesting in anyway, they just enjoy those things on their body. Those aren't the things that grab people's attention and definitely not for a long time, so I don't see the comparison. Other than that this was a good video but that really had me thinking about how that doesn't make sense

[@NellyMacharia]

The singing took me out. It's soo accurate 🤣

[@MichelleNgome]

When i saw this video years ago I was not impressed or smitten. You made some very good points. I can't deny what they have built and I commend them for that.

[@lovewila9122]

✨I really wanted to save this for later because I just watched the other one but I couldn’t wait😭😭😭✨

[@colettemallory3813]

I can absolutely understand how you felt being a single black person in predominantly white nondenominational churches. I had a lot of the same experiences of feeling ostracized and misunderstood.

[@Nae_emie]

I felt when you said the only way you see yourself dating again is if it comes with ease!!! Because I AM TIYADDDD! I have absolutely no patience left for the bs that can come with dating unprepared men! I’m 31 and the zeal I had in my twenties to try to “make it work” or “see it through” with a man is long gone 🙄

[@kenyadavis4927]

You’re exactly right about where you are in your life & how you’re approaching dating at this point. You say “ease”, I said “peace”, but the point is that I knew what had to now be a hallmark for my love life. And it came. I recognized the man for me, not by the passion & fireworks (which we do have now as well), but by the peace. It can come for anyone.

[@ilariaf.7421]

Purity culture is crazy in the USA! I'm catholic and where I live everybody is catholic (I'm from Italy) but I never ever heard someone saying things like "you should save yourself for your husband ," or making prayers about future spouse 😭😕 I chose to be celibate and I'm loving my journey but like you said I'm doing this to myself and not for a future husband! Because I might never get married.

[@AboveRubiesTV]

No, because I thought we were around the same age (29-32)!! You’re GORGEOUS!!! Thank you for your space and experience(s) ✨❤️

[@homebody61]

This video articulates what I've felt for decades.

[@cakpm4416]

Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate your sincerity. Your story sounds alot. Like mine. At 37 i am trying to find a balance between sexually and purity. I didn't date much in college and now i am being baggered about ending up alone if i don't marry soon. It has been my experience society would rather i have been a baby mama with baby daddies or married and divorced by now, than to have never been married at 37. Its hard out here.

[@MrsDazl]

Ooh, I felt that. In my teens, my mother was all STaY AwAY fRoM tHE BOyS! Then college was like, make sure you have a man with you wherever you go... don't worry about getting married, you have plenty of time. To late 20s: you're getting up there, you don't have much time left, you're not doing xyz right... that's why you'll never get married. And now that I'm married it's: you're not doing xyz and you're gonna lose him 🤨 I don't think the beatdown ever ends with some people, so I've just started ignoring dumb shit.

[@catmouse2882]

I don't know if your Black woman but if you are...then you should be open to dating outside the Black community. If you waiting for your Black "Kangz"....then you will likely be single forever.

[@phdgirl2016]

“You gon talk to me nice.” Listen, that’s a necessity for me too.

[@NonYa2012]

One of the most disgusting parts of their video to me was when he mentioned her having sickle cell and it giving him pause as someone who could bare or carry his seed. Not saying health and family history shouldn't be considered but the way he said it felt degrading to me and since they're already married with children why tell the world now?

[@cocanikki]

I think the difference is many women are now having a great awakening with self and realizing their worth and learning what is better for them

[@Sofia-on1sr]

I can’t stop staring at you!! The lip colour and hair is do perfect!! You look absolutely stunning

[@michelleforte8669]

Thank you for this. Here, a former goody-goody church girl and choir singer and worship dancer. Tears😪😪😪 I understand that there must standards, but then there is reality for each of us exclusively. Also I am NOT the standard. I am strange, imperfect, odd and unusual. I respect my body and my agency as well. I am author of my happiness and my misery, nobody else. I decided to leave my church and the Christian religion, not because I don't believe, but because I couldn't be my true self and I couldn't live my truth. Look, I like my singlehood and I am embracing myself "as is", even as an elder woman. I didn't want to continue hating myself and my life because I can't fit standards of others. It's exhausting. Life is what I make it and it is unpredictable. I love my GOD. My GOD wants me to be honest and true. I am learning more to accept people "as is", not judging them and their lives, and be more open. Asè. Peace be with you all.🙏

[@glory2hisname1]

Sadly the fact that he still speaks to (or about)her this way after marriage, children and (a little)fame speaks volumes about HIM.

[@LifebyChi]

I really like your take on the video. You’re 100% right, it may not be for us, but it seems like it’s for her and that’s all that matters. Tobe and many Nigerians (I’m saying this as a Nigerian) can be brutally honest/matter of fact. It can be seen as rude/disrespectful to many, but when you grow up in that cultural context you don’t even know you’re doing it. Even everyday conversations may be viewed as harsh to the outside world. So the person that you end up with when you’re socialized in that environment has to either understand/accept that behavior or you have to work extremely hard to change. It appears that Fat accepts it and can roll with her husband, so while it’s not for us, it’s working for her and she looks content. They’re not couples goals, but I’m happy for them because it seems like they found love amongst each other.