Madame Web - Disaster-Class Movie

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

Audio may be a bit janky on this one as I am very unprofessional. Any scripting errors are a result of brain damage inflicted by the movie. Mixing up South/Central American countries is probably evidence of racism. My thanks to Altries for the wonderful edit on the first 90 minutes (that nearly drove him mad) - link to his stuff is in the description.

[@donovankean]

Genuinely laughed when I read this pinned comment. Can't wait for the video!

[@deans_halfbakedproductions]

You had me at brain damage🤷

[@MrTobi013]

Sounds like you went the way of the Drinker on this one mate.😂

[@rogerborg]

Eh, Mexilombia and Perulivia are basically the same place.

[@matthewcollins4773]

One day we may forgive you these errors. But until then, you must live in exile on the moon of Periquot.

[@MAYBEMAYNOTBE2]

Do I know this dude? .. No Did I see this movie? ... No Did I watch this entire video .... Yes

[@Trollificusv2]

My perverted sentiments, exactly. It seems kind of twisted to comsoom Hollywood product that way*, but also hilarious,. *- The same way I've enjoyed generating a 250-to-3 ratio of "time spent watching TLJ" to "time spent watching people ripping TL:J"

[@TheThansen669]

Your hate has made your powerful.

[@hannahs3981]

​​@@TheThansen6691:42:47 "When you take on the hate, great power will come"

[@nicklasveva]

"Average commenter thinks he's not average by explaining his averageness"

[@cognitivedissidents4642]

Dakota speaks like she is heavily medicated which, all things considered, may not have been an unwise strategy.

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

She does what a lot of Americans think is dead pan but it’s not really dead pan.

[@Vancouverpillmuncher666]

Benzos

[@mrbojangles8133]

Dakota knows it's bad but has to promote it and this inner conflict is causing her brain to short circuit, which was an amusing film by the way

[@ChrisMorganComedy]

That's her version of a sexy voice... She didn't do a good job

[@Laneous14]

She is the ultimate example of 'vocal fry, I'm just, like too cool for all this, okay?'

[@GhostLink92]

"In fact, I think you'll see it twice." Lady, that's 3 more times than I even planned on seeing it.

[@StridersBored]

Lmao. I can’t help but imagine the -1st time watching the movie was actively avoiding any acknowledgement of it to the point it ceased to exist

[@ajh22895]

I have seen it twice, so far. It's a funny movie.

[@macethorns1168]

3 times 0 is 0?

[@Joshua_Griffin]

0.6 recurring times

[@dbf1dware]

OK, clearly unpopular take here, but I find Dakota extremely hot. I especially like her voice and her expressions as she speaks. That "I think you'll see it twice" part, go ahead and flame me, but I find that extremely sexy.

[@wytho3751]

“Isn’t something out of context going to be out of context?” My god! She’s a philosopher.

[@darthgamer9861]

this is just “ah, this floor is made of floor!”

[@markiangooley]

A is A. Not-A is not A. Deep philosophical principles.

[@TheS197King]

But if it's out of context then how would you know the context that it was out if so the out of context will now be in context..get it?got it?good..🤔🤣

[@GG57]

I read these comments out of context. Therefore, they're out of context. Therefore, they don't make ANY sense.

[@drewb1979]

That guy just couldn't bring himself to tell her it was a goofy line 😂

[@scrittle]

1:12:15 [don't say Spiderman don't say Spiderman don't say Spiderman] "Ceiling guy" [brilliant writing I am quivering in fear]

[@jeffler383]

I like the part where Ben Parker crashes another letter from the Pepsi sign into the one that's about to crush Ezekiel, then tells Madame Webb "we'll win by saving what we love, not fighting what we hate" while Ezekiel kills the girls in the background

[@Laneous14]

You joke, but that would have made the movie even better.

[@bbriggs7409]

Last Jedi'd all over its face

[@chazzitz-wh4ly]

Wait! She has a woman’s most powerful weapon: avoiding responsibility. She can just rewind time and redo it.

[@Vicus_of_Utrecht]

​@@chazzitz-wh4lyIsn't that black men?

[@commietearsdrinker]

@@Vicus_of_Utrecht Fathers, to be more specific.

[@CplYakob]

I'm annoyed that when I mess up at my job, I get reprimanded, but when these Hollywood writers do the exact same thing, they get multi-million contracts and critical acclaim.

[@blind2d]

So go work as a writer in Hollywood. It can't be that hard.

[@APsychicMonkey]

Lol these writers are not getting another shot, their careers are over.

[@APsychicMonkey]

​@@blind2dOh, you ARE one of the writers on this film! Did you use ChatGPT? Or are you just hilariously bad?

[@blind2d]

@@APsychicMonkeyAnd this tragedy amuses you? Where is your compassion?

[@blind2d]

@@APsychicMonkeyTry harder.

[@Branderbie]

It's pretty cliche, but the movie should have been about her having visions she was going to get paralyzed, trying to do whatever she can to avoid that future, then at the end realize the way she gets paralyzed is protecting the girls and choosing to allow it to happen to save them. Would have made the end where she knows what's going to happen with Peter's family and doesn't do anything to stop it better, because she would know how important it is for those events to happen.

[@ShinStriderHiryu]

this, this is so much better, maybe the movie would not have the '' morbius girl '' title

[@ROA1988]

Great idea

[@theprowler18]

It's a working cliche for a reason. A hero's journey is still the most reliable way to define a character arc and make audiences care for the protagonist.

[@snakeguy8646]

The idea of two people who can see the future fighting would actually be very interesting, an entire “fight scene” could be them just staring at eachother while in their heads both are simultaneously having Sherlock Holmes style inner monologues trying to find a scenario at the same time to beat the other while physically maybe slightly shifting in an attempt to fake the other out

[@daveyjones7391]

I actually really liked the Holmes-Moriarty scene you’re referring to. Also, if you want an awesome version of the concept you’re describing, check out Hero with Jet Li (at least I’m pretty sure that’s the movie it was in).

[@snakeguy8646]

@@daveyjones7391 One of my favorite scenes ever lol, and thank you for the recommendation I’ll add it to my list

[@dinovaldo9341]

This reminds me of the final fight in Katana Zero, where the only reason either side is able to win the engagement is because the other has a stronger will to continue fighting.

[@burntgrahamcracker2866]

I always presumed that’s what Jedi did to a certain degree hence why they’re able to deflect blaster bolts

[@sarahb.7175]

51:00 I worked for the government for 2 years. I had access to children's medical information, particularly MRIs, videos of said kids, and some basic info about their families (names, phone numbers). I needed an ID with an electronic chip, a "passphrase" (mine was >20 characters, changed annually), and a PIN. To access my computer, I needed the ID and the PIN or passphrase. I had to get permission to access certain folders. All of that security was for a low-level employee to access videos and MRIs of children. Obviously a HIPAA violation if they got out, but not a matter of national security. ALSO, I was cautious about telling anyone where exactly I worked, and I rarely took my work computer or ID anywhere besides work and home. This whole premise isn't even a joke--because a joke would be funny.

[@ghostprojekt]

The fact that the bad guy dreams of Sydney Sweeney stepping on him and then throwing him off a building as a "nightmare" is the most jarring thing of the film.

[@Off-HandedBarrel]

Giggity.

[@KaelegoSoul]

It should've been me Not him

[@chazzitz-wh4ly]

She can step on me and throw me off a building any day.

[@1800REDGENESIS]

Lol ​@@Off-HandedBarrel

[@outerlast]

maybe even sitting on him

[@manoz6194]

When Sydney Sweeney said people didn't see her in Madame Web, it had a double meaning.

[@josephsalmonte4995]

Yep. "No puppies were seen in the making of this movie!" 😭🤣

[@bathtub_marmot]

Double for sure. Maybe even triple.

[@manoz6194]

@moresnacksplease526 I mean that hardly anyone saw the movie AND they completely dressed her down so she wasn't very visible in the movie anyway. I wasn't referring to her boobs but you can add that in I guess :D

[@ApolloMcrib]

She's got a nice set of.. talents.

[@deathmagneto-soy]

Who is Sydney Sweeney?

[@KingKayro87]

I hope the spiders were worth it, TLP.

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

Spiders are always worth it.

[@claudeclawsonne4510]

@@TheLittlePlatoon 'Specially the magical ones.

[@cyruscowan912]

This is actually one of your best videos my dude. Lots of fantastic humor to help us through this 'film'.

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

Thank you!

[@RaisinBran-ir4iq]

"My mom was in the Amazon, researching spiders....then I took an arrow to the knee."

[@daveyjones7391]

“Never should have come here…”

[@Vaguer_Weevil]

"Hey I know you"

[@2TONESKY]

No lolly gagging 😂

[@daveyjones7391]

😂

[@MustertheBrohirrim]

Can't wait to count out your coin!

[@utubekade]

"Drakula don't you wish it was untold" cracked me up.

[@woodwyrm]

lel

[@underthepale]

I always called it "Dracula: Unwatched." (Funny thing, that movie did fairly well at the box office but it got shellacked by the critics and so, Universal panicked. Which is how we got The Mummy. The uh, Tom Cruise one. Not the good one from the late 90s.)

[@jackmesrel4933]

​@underthepale I may be one of the few people who has watched it on cinema, but I remember it being fine enough. Maybe the standards were higher at the time?

[@JoakimOtamaa]

I like Dracula: Untold. Luke Evans was pretty food as Drac and reminded me a bit of Castlevania which ia nice. Especially now when Netflix ruined the sequel series with woke shite. "Oh the og main woman was a white damsel in distress? Let's make her a complete asshole girl boss and also black so we get that ESG! And fuck the rich lore the games have had since 1986!"

[@anastasia-fr1gn]

@@jackmesrel4933I watched it in the cinema as well but I fell asleep. I’ve never fallen asleep in the theatre before but it could have been I was just exhausted that day. I watched it later and was actually entertained. It’s not that good but it’s a guilty pleasure movie for me.

[@BeanoTubes]

This had the best acting, direction and costume department I've ever seen... on the red carpet

"They know what is what / They just strut" - Fatboy Slim 😙

[@josephsalmonte4995]

Wtf?

[@jimmydasani8922]

Dakota Johnson is very clearly pissed about the end result of this film and clearly lost all enthusiasm for it

[@Wohlfe]

She walks in to these contractually obligated press tours like a death row inmate walks up to the electric chair.

[@txcforever]

She got a proposal for a movie made by inexperienced directors and writers that their only other work was horrible, by a company known for treating their non-Spiderman movies as cheap product placements for keeping the license away from Marvel. What did she expect?

[@questtaken]

She fired her agent after this

[@WoofgangPrime]

@@questtaken She should have put him on a firing line for this.

[@Drigallski]

@@questtakenat first i thought this was just sarcasm, but then i looked it up and she actually did

[@ChrisB-yv1sj]

Thank for you for using the word “gormless” It’s underrated and deserves more love

[@ChrisB-yv1sj]

Also: I’m not sure if the Amanda Eller reference was an Easter Egg or a Throwaway but, either way, I guffawed. Literally.

[@Colonel_RamRod]

First heard it from Jeremy Clarkson who I adore ❤ great word

[@nananamamana3591]

Found the Vinny Vinesauce fan

[@duffthimblespork]

I think I speak for everybody when I say the world could use a little more gorm.

[@Kwisatz-Chaderach]

Aris says it all the time. 😆

[@worldofgreenhell]

50:43 I also loved having those 26" full HD LED monitors back in 2003

[@benjaminaleman4003]

I'm peruvian, and let me tell you that, yes, we have people dressed as spiders that chase teenagers because of their visions.

[@kazekamiha]

How much drugs and/or alcohol is involved in that?

[@ianrobson9601]

I love your country and hope to visit one day.

[@OsellaSquadraCorse]

Have they replaced the world-destroying pan-flute bands, or do you now have TWO terrifying roving groups of Peruvians?

[@benjaminaleman4003]

@@kazekamiha I dont know man 🤣

[@benjaminaleman4003]

@@ianrobson9601 I hope you do pal💪

[@shinrailp1416]

I just LOVE the logic of "You are the only ones that can prove i did in fact not kidnap you. So i have to kidnap you so you are available to testify i didn't kidnap you!" That just hurts my brain so bad

[@mindless4338]

Fair Use Spiderman Naruto running across the screen is more interesting than the actual clip it is over

[@RoySATX]

"But isn't any sentence out of context, out of context"? She has a point, there, though I'm not sure she's pointing it in the right direction.

[@MusingSprite3045]

Me and my friends couldn't remember the bad guy's name. So we just called him Ceiling Guy. We head-canoned that he was at his most powerful indoors and on ceilings. The joke got funnier each time he walked or crawled on ceilings. The fact that he dies outside on the ground was the straw that broke the funny camel's back and we were actually wheezing about it in the parking lot.

[@MightyGuts7423]

That's funny lol

[@argentcosmonautmobile5672]

I think this classifies as canon lore.

[@Avarn388]

I'm going to be honest; this movie is atrocious in almost every single front. But I find it hilariously bad. I was alone in the theater and I was howling with laughter. I swear this film is so incompetent it is amazing just to watch. Everything from the cinematography, editing, and writing are just terrible. The power of product placement is what kills Evil, I mean Ezekiel. It's hysterical. The attendant when I was finished asked cheekily how I liked it and I told her "it was awful but so entertaining.". This movie is NOT worth checking out in theaters. Wait for streaming, get a few friends and some drinks and have a laugh. The Marvels was terrible on multiple levels for how incompetent it is but Madame Web is just funny bad in how not to make a movie.

[@reservoirdude92]

Even though these studios don't deserve the box office, I will say that I'm glad the people who watch this trash ironically have a good time 😂

[@OG-ProfessorPongo]

Similar here I wanted to see how bad it was going to be 😂

[@aoifeandginny5569]

OMG I'm going to watch it now. Also watch The Regime with Kate Winslet, it's really good so far.

[@MarvinPowell1]

@Avarn388 Madame Web is Gen Z's version of The Room. Not as quotable or memorable, but a perfect -10 out of 10 movie, in its own right. Or maybe a -9, since at least they do a passable job with the cinematography and stunts, so not quite prefect yet.

[@ThreadBareHope1234]

I need the opinion of my fellow future authors: If I frame characters giving exposition dumps as an argument, could I get away with it? From my experience, people will repeat a lot of information to convince each other of the opposite opinion.

[@tigerhattom5111]

"Checkov's Fireworks Factory" is one of the greatest lines I've ever heard. 😂

[@rokkraljkolesa9317]

Chekhov's

[@Speleomimus]

Dakota Johnson is the back-alley bootleg version of Anne Hathaway. I know what i said

[@weswolever7477]

And I heard you loud and clear

[@johns.1854]

Heroin addicted anorexic Anne Hathaway?

[@Werewolf.with.Internet.Access]

Anne Hathaway off Temu

[@dorn0531]

We have Anne Hathaway at home

[@incomingincoming1133]

This is the last generation of human actors. Be kind.

[@MattEveland-cy9yr]

I feel like they missed an opportunity for a pretty good joke in not having the headline of that paper read, "White girl, two others kidnapped"

[@lordravenblade]

I could see her being pissed that her mother was gallivanting around the Peruvian forest while 9 months pregnant (which directly led to her dying in childbirth) but apparently that was too long a line to put in the movie.

[@Werewolf.with.Internet.Access]

“I forgive you, mom, for having the maternal instincts of a Tasmanian devil”

[@Werewolf.with.Internet.Access]

As an American, Platoons comments about my country’s fat fuckness problem had me rolling And rolling And rolling And rolling And oh Jesus I can’t stop someone help there’s a wall coming up and I’m going so fa-

[@user-zq6sz2cr6g]

If only those scriptwriters could write something as funny as this! 😂

[@thepickles8833]

And like 2003... keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’....

[@Cancoillotteman]

@@thepickles8833 can't be RAWhide anymore buddy, it's gotta be vegetarian now !

[@posteriorpepperoni]

It's okay,the layers of fat will absorb the impact

[@ZackRasgriz]

They see you rolin' They hatin'

[@bathtub_marmot]

"I have to return some videotapes" has been replaced by "I have to do some spider research"

[@TheJammerman]

26:50 Brandon Sanderson has a series of books called the Mistborn Series in which certain characters can use a type of magic to actually see several seconds into the future but it’s in very limited supply. When two characters with the ability fight, it somewhat cancels out, the effect being that both can see what the other is about to do, they therefore change what they are going to do, which changes what the other character will do and so on until there’s just a big cloud of possible futures. If one character exhausts their “supply” of this ability before the other, the other will likely, easily, win the fight. It makes for great tension during fights between high powered characters. Highly recommended reading for those into fantasy.

[@Sarcastic_Sophist]

Love Sanderson's work. Just backed the words of radiance leather bounds.

[@Seetiyan]

I've read most of that series. Good stuff.

[@sirpig7141]

Sanderson’s Mistborn works was also the first thing to come to mind when that was brought up for me as well! It was a really cool interpretation of the mechanic!

[@TheJesterHead9]

Mistborn is excellent

[@Maladjester]

Great series. What I remember most is the rug pulls. Without spoilers, multiple times we are told no, the world isn't what you think, it's actually THIS and here's why -- and every time, it makes sense, so you think you've got it. Then it turns out there was another rug under that one.

[@seanpollard5809]

Doesn't like people, yet became a medic: this is exactly how healthcare in Canada works. A surprising number of people get into the healthcare system for ego.

[@berlinkozyreva]

In America they get into Healthcare for money. Many usually despise their patients.

[@-MrFozzy-]

But Platoon……….it’s a new take on a superhero story. It’s a female forward cast, so it’s good. All the cast have their natural hair on show, so that’s a thing to advertise. The cast is female, again….and diverse, and it’s great to have women that look like them being portrayed on screen to represent everyone who looks like them on screen….oh and of course, they are strong and brave…….and diverse

[@jamessimon3433]

This was a crazy film. It builds up the insanity and ineptness as it goes, culminating in what might be the most atrocious effort-free ending i have ever seen. Its positively orgasmic. The second its over you look at the screen, look at those around you with profound disghust and self loathing.

[@devinschexnayder7440]

😂

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

There’s nothing quite like it. It’s a sadistic film that masochists have to love.

[@Darkington]

It's Madamin' time.

[@unicornhunter9916]

HE USED YOUR JOKE

[@richardharrison4762]

My favourite part was when Madam Web said ‘it’s webbing time!’ And webbed all over the place!

[@0blivionvoid139]

Excuse me it is MA'AM WEB!

[@Tusitala1967]

@@richardharrison4762 You can look at her and tell she'd be a webber in bed.

[@woodwyrm]

And everyone laughed. and clapped.

[@silverscorpio24]

"Madame Web is a film." -- Chris "I'm not gonna trash bad movies but trash them through omission" Stuckmann.

[@austin9568AuraMasterDX]

"It was so bad i can't even put it into words"

[@chazzitz-wh4ly]

He’s a coward.

[@joseroa5243]

"I won't review this movie, is not that is bad it's just that i have no words to explain it without making it look bad" is the most telling thing without saying a word.

[@targard.quantumfrack6854]

I don't think he is. He didn't want to beat the dead horse IMO. He just explained how shit like that manage to materialise. Of course some of us know but not all of us and I felt he needed to unload it from his chest as a film maker more than a critic. There's nothing to say about this movie apart making fun of it...

[@silverscorpio24]

​​@@targard.quantumfrack6854 His whole video dunked on the studio for interfering with the director's vision when he didn't even know she was also the executive producer. Studios that could possibly hire him for jobs.

[@duffthimblespork]

In The Fifth Element, the protagonist and the villain never interact with each other the whole movie. Somehow, that's better than them only interacting in the finale (and maybe during an LSD trip a few minutes earlier).

[@symmetricat188]

In German, there is this colloquial phrase:"In die Bresche springen." The english version is quite the same:"To step into the breach." In modern terms, some Little Platoon will do the unthinkable & save us from certain death. A gentleman & a scholar, indeed.

[@yeez13]

This really is the most blatant version of the Casting Couch clearly playing a role in making a movie happen

[@woodwyrm]

you killed me sir!

[@Madaseter]

W take

[@Ellebeeby]

But how could anyone who saw 50 Shades want to?

[@amandahuginkys7878]

Then shouldn't have Tits McGee gotten leading pair of actresses?

[@sblinder1978]

You really think Mike Epps would do that for a movie role?

[@slaapt]

1:01:24 The tragic bit is where she slowed the man down for 5 seconds trying to prevent the crash. If he just got in the ambulance, he would have cleared the intersection.

[@ShinStriderHiryu]

lol you are right, shes the one whos responsable for his death, she just predicted him would die, but now ho

[@PrincessFionaYT]

Nobody delivers humorous mocking scarifying evisceration quite like Little Platoon

[@FrunkAsADuck]

The posh-esque tone and voice really sends it into the stratosphere. 😅

[@josephsalmonte4995]

Mauler does. Mocking evisceration is quintessentially British.

[@Paladin1034]

EFAP is such a good time

[@PrincessFionaYT]

It’s no coincidence that those two are my favorites. Mauler is more Flying Circus, Platoon Fawlty Towers,

[@LawrenceJCG]

Wheelchair = 'paralysis chariot'... absolutely scrumptious, darling.

[@TommasoFirmini]

You know it's bad when you'd rather watch a 2 hour roast than the actual movie itself

[@jackwhite2654]

I know this is an old joke, but imagine if the Amazon spider venom was actually a powerful hallucinogen, and this whole movie happened inside the mom's head while she was tripping balls in the Amazon.

[@kaykutcher2103]

Would certainly explain a few things.

[@markiangooley]

An Occurence At Spider Clan Pool, sort of

[@Señor-Donjusticia]

11:23 One day, I just want to write the opposite of this cliche line. “I base my research on myths and legends, not science!”

[@mdd4296]

"It came to me in a dream"

[@Maladjester]

Happens a lot in supernatural horror.

[@berengustav7714]

Myths and legends are really cool,they're useful for understanding how humans make sense of the world.

[@sarahb.7175]

"If you're waiting for a book to come out, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." --Toni Morrison

[@zacharymcmillan2788]

"We choose truth over facts!" - Joe Biden - 🤣🤣🤣

[@bilson7523]

15:45 Yup, wife didn't notice until the contractions and literally blurted out: "How the f*ck did she get there that pregnant? It hurts the lie down when you're that pregnant..."

[@Werewolf.with.Internet.Access]

“B-b-but you’re a strong independent WAHMEN???” -a thoroughly confused Hollywood exec

[@Stevehug83]

I think Dakota Johnson realised part way through production that she had made a mistake by agreeing to do this movie, so she phoned it in, took the money, fired her agent and moved on 😂😂😂

[@JeremySayers38]

Can Dakota Johnson not read or ask her Mum and Dad if the script is any good? Cause they are both rich actors but NO it is the agent's fault.

[@annabanana7659]

​@@JeremySayers38 From what I heard, the script that Johnson received and made her agree to take the part was scrapped and she had already signed so she couldn't back out. And there were rumors that her agent at that time had lied to her and said she was going to be part of MCU and when she saw the trailer, she fired that agent and left the talent agency.

[@JeremySayers38]

@@annabanana7659 I wonder who made the rumours, her new agents,

[@visioneerone]

the graceful majesty of the fair use spooders will never not be funy

[@sethkaicer319]

Madame Web conjured up the grim reaper and told him about his toxic masculinity 😮

[@joshuah9109]

HA!!

[@blind2d]

Reaper is a woman but go off.

[@nagirondart]

What you said about the movie using a inversion of Uncle Ben's great power, great responsibility line is absolutely true. So much so, that in the comics they did that, for a villain! In the Spider-Man story arc, The Big time, there's a parallel to what happens to Peter with the character of Phil urich. Phil, a former minor hero, snaps and kills the hobgoblin and replaces him as the kingpins enforcer. Add to the same time, he sells photos of himself as the hobgoblin to his Uncle Ben urich, a reporter at The daily bugle. In his last panel in the story arc, Phil thinks to himself about "how he has so much responsibility now. But with that responsibility, so much power!" It really highlighted the difference between this twisted "might makes right" mentality, versus the "might for right" Uncle Ben was trying to talk about.

[@ryonalionthunder]

That’s incredible

[@markiangooley]

@@ryonalionthunderit’s only to be expected, I think… incredible that they used it here as a hero thing when it’s so villainous, yes.

[@TheThreatenedSwan]

That scene should have ended with "You're a smart man. You could make trillions on pharmaceuticals from the spider venom" "Oh yeah."

[@the_hammerhead]

In my multiverse Sydney Sweeney in a skin tight spidey suit is not a nightmare. Wether she's trying to kill me or not, my dream is going in a different direction.

[@orvilleredenpiller338]

“There was some guys trying to subtly dump their girlfriends by subjecting them to Madame Web and vice versa.” I had to dump Madame Web by subjecting her to my girlfriend.

[@TheLittlePlatoon]

🤣

[@Matthew10950]

... Did it work? Asking for a friend.

[@unicornhunter9916]

Your channel is so good I literally have my therapist watching. Thank you Little Platoon

[@michaellee8815]

“Food, math and deported parents” hahahah

[@DangerZone200]

"its not racist if a liberal does it" that should be their new motto 😂

[@blind2d]

How would you feel if it was your parents?

[@APsychicMonkey]

​@@blind2dAre you one of the writers from the film?

[@blind2d]

@@APsychicMonkeyNo, I'm unemployed

[@NumptyMcGlumpty]

​@@blind2d you're not helping your case here, you realise that?

[@Ottuln]

22:00 Here's a way more intriguing opening. The villain has the same motivations, but isn't just trash. They retrieve the spider, but the mother is injured. He tries to save her with the serum they synthesized, but she dies in childbirth. He takes the second and only existing dose, saves the child and brings her back to civilization where he becomes rich using the powers the serum gave him to run hit jobs as a mercenary for any government willing to pay, but never revealing that he has those powers. He helps raise from afar as a favorite uncle, providing money etc... for her schooling, but she starts to have dreams of a frightening warrior killing people in horrendous ways. When one of those hits happens closer to her home she responds to the scene which is particularly grizzly, and has a episode where she sees that it is her "uncle" under the mask. She doesn't know if her visions are true or not etc... Could go a million ways from there, but it would be incredibly intriguing.

[@sandwich4763]

Sounds a bit like Spiderverse. Interesting concept

[@larrywells5908]

Let's just say I don't have to know math real well to say that after walking barefoot on the subway his feet would stick to lots of things

[@wileycain1476]

Velma, Willow, Robyn Hood, Zach Snyder’s Rebel Moon. Jeez what a group to compare this with😂

[@Six_Gorillion]

Dakota acts and talks like she's been lobotomized. She's so emotionless and takes so long to react and answer, for real it's like they did that icepick lobotomy on her that they used to do back in the day on hysterical women.

[@devinschexnayder7440]

Yeah, its downright uncanny

[@josephsalmonte4995]

They need to bring that treatment back. Discarded too soon.

[@Matthew10950]

I figure she's a t800. She needs a minute to process what she's heard and to figure out how a hoomaan would react and then tries to fake a hoomaan response. The timing ads up

[@austin9568AuraMasterDX]

Demi Lovato mode

[@animula6908]

Isn’t her mom the same way, though?

[@lindseycaldwell9559]

As a woman with a similarly large bust to Sydney Sweeney I do feel the need to say that the universe frequently hides such assets behind a kind of frumpy nerd, lol

[@newtpondskipper]

A former GF of mine was that way. She was self conscious of it and almost always dressed to hide it. We went to a beach and some of the girls who had always assumed she wasn't well endowed saw her.. it was gratifying to see such naked envy on their faces. Yes I'm a petty man but she put up with a lot of crap that was "just joking" comments.

[@scrittle]

This could all have been a writer kink for all we know, they write superheroes and don't go outside, so getting off nerd girls and making them hotter makes sense.

[@OG-ColorfulAbyss.]

Hers are most likely fake, and she doesn't even seem like a real person at all. Never heard of her once until this trash. Almost like she didn't even exist before this trash or that all of her prior works were SSSSOOOOOO trash that it wasn't even necessary for anyone to point it out.

[@markiangooley]

One of the most intelligent women I’ve known is a bit nerdy and has quite the spectacular bustline. A close runner-up is less nerdy and not quite so busty but almost. Bosomy brainy women aren’t all that rare, and underestimating a woman just because she’s so buxom is foolish.

[@FatherOMalley]

I love how you use clips from movies (even outtakes) that match the context or tone that you are trying to convey. Using the Captain America "cause i'm in charge" outtake at 1:21:03 was fucking hilarious.

[@vecchiofritz5749]

It is nice to see people appreciate these details in the editing, they often make it a much longer job but comments like these make it also woth it !

[@animalhalo5984]

27:07 you get the RDJ Sherlock Holmes Movie where Sherlock and his nemesis are sitting across from eachother going back and forth about how they would get the upper hand until Sherlock says fuck it and throws them both over the edge of a cliff

[@MegaCygnusX1]

You are the only creator that manages, without fail, to get me belly laughing at your pained, acerbic incredulity with whatever tripe you're confronted with. Thank you for risking your sanity to transform these execrable films into something genuinely entertaining.

[@MarvinPowell1]

I've honestly never heard of Sydney Sweeney before this movie, but I've been having so much fun with Madame Web. It's like, if this could get made, literally anyone can write a movie. Like The Movie Cynic said, this is "god-tier trash." This is the daughter of "The Room." This movie girlbosses "Morbius" in every single way. Morbius is actually competent in most other things besides it's script. I mean, this is the Magnus Opum of horrible big-budget movies. This _literally_ makes Spider-Man Lotus looks good. It's incredible how it even exists.

[@jake12466]

*its script ("It's" means "it is")

[@jake12466]

Also, I assume you were kidding, but it's "Magnum Opus," not "Magnus Opum."

[@sonofodin1044]

Damn now that you mention Spider-Man lotus they might as well be in the same universe I get this weird undeveloped unconnected feel from this movie ever since I watched the trailer actually

[@claudeclawsonne4510]

@@jake12466 I kinda like Magnus Opum though... or Opium perhaps. Think I'll use it as my next internet name, after I get tired of Tits McGee.

[@TheKpa11]

Which means everything that comes after will look better by comparison

[@MaximusCMcCann]

You are probably one of the few KZbin creators I genuinely get excited for a new video, and then get disappointed when it's not 5hrs long. I really appreciate your work! Please keep it up!

[@tribecq7]

Absolutely love the editing in your videos. I say this literally every time but, the use of the South Park clips is always spot on.

[@darrenwillett3184]

You know you've reached new levels of stupid when the hero's main super power is reckless driving.

[@ElZo1212o]

Thank you Platoon for being the only voice I’ve ever heard that accepts Killmonger was bad and stupid.

[@petery6432]

MauLer and EFAP think the same.

[@blind2d]

Killmonger was a villain, so yeah he was bad, but he did bring up some good points about Western colonialism

[@fujifilm5127]

​@blind2d I don't really like any racial arguments that can't just have the races swapped and it sounds like something from a nazi. That's really all I could think of during black panther.

[@blind2d]

@@fujifilm5127I guess that's fair but Killmonger was and remains the villain...

[@BlueGamingRage]

It's okay because he's black

[@SuperfluousMoniker]

I can't believe you got through that ending without using that Simpsons clip of Milhouse whining about a fireworks factory.

[@WillFredward7167]

Yeah, I viewed Killmonger as a *believable* villian, because vengeful racism is absolutely a thing. But to genuinely find him sympathetic, the viewer would have to on some level agree with vengeful racism. So… I guess that film is useful for flushing out the people to be scared of.

[@Mr_Bones.]

Those people ironically are very vocal and are black supremacist. They make the KKK look like progressive Buddhist monks.

[@banquetoftheleviathan1404]

spoOoky

[@WillFredward7167]

@@banquetoftheleviathan1404 ⁠Google offered to translate your comment 😂 Tech still has room to grow

[@dorn0531]

Bingo. I agree completely.

[@yeyeande]

you can find a character sympathetic without sympathizing with every single aspect of their character. this is pretty obvious if you have any sort of critical thinking skills. not everything is a stark diactomy, even "good" characters can have terrible qualities.

[@PaulMurrayCanberra]

"Evil is now incredibly rich" and not a day older! Although, I guess, that might be something to do with spider venom, so they get a pass on that.

[@blottedcenter4348]

The best part of the movie is the part where Dakota Johnson has to promote the film but genuinely hates it and is giving just enough sass to communicate that to the watchers without actually saying anything that could get her in trouble, pretty genius actually, I love her blank smile she has the entire time 😂💀😭😭😭😭

[@lenardofquirm]

the friction line frustrates me more than it should. Its just that it's so unrelated to walking on the ceiling because friction only acts transverse to a plane and you can't use friction to walk on walls because the normal force is too low. It would've been a more effective smart science nerd line if she shouted: "i can't walk ceiling cause gravity go down!"

[@Ramsey276one]

You just inspired my nerd version of Angrish "Okay, that was short but made sense. The fact it was short means you're about to choose violence. We do it your way." Some extra: Why, does he-- "He": *Krav Maga* "That's a martial art. You want a Sample, go stupid! [The extra squeaks a NO] XD Funny how this crappy products inspire people to do better stuff HUH?

[@Sue20022010]

That's because gravity, like a stone, looks down

[@JasonNaas]

Because of Madame Web, I now know who Sydney Sweeney is. And that made it all worthwhile.

[@josephsalmonte4995]

Mate. She's a 6 with big tits. The world is full of them 😂

[@chazzitz-wh4ly]

I saw her in Euphoria. I saw a lot of her.

[@Ellebeeby]

Why don’t Eu look Phoria job, lmao gottem etc.

[@deandrenicholas2545]

Wish I could say the same... There are plenty of pretty non famous women that are more attractive. And they are probably better actresses too.

[@josephsalmonte4995]

That actually made me laugh out loud 😂 ​@@Ellebeeby

[@jeeranko3359]

You clearly spent more time writing this video's script than the actual writers of the damn movie. Thank you man!

[@trifectumart]

I distinctly remember turning while watching this in theatre and legitimately getting confusion from the person next to me, as if it was somehow odd I was in sheer shock of how borderline insane this film dialogue was.

[@ProjectRedfoot]

"If I could play as Roy in the Iraq war, we would have won." I laughed so friggin hard at this.

[@Sinrise]

The 5th Element. Zorg and Corbin never directly interact or even speak to each other. In fact, it's pretty clear neither Corbin nor Zorg are actually aware of each other.

[@jake12466]

...Relevance?

[@jacquelineking5783]

Naming a movie where the villain and hero never interact.

[@josephsalmonte4995]

That's a great example mate. Antagonist and protagonist never even coming close to interacting. I never noticed that before.

[@n7creed629]

5th Element is one of my all time faves. Took me years to realise the above fact and I love it even more now,

[@adrianmizen5070]

@@jacquelineking5783 also No country for old men

[@PhantomHT1320]

from watching dakotas interviews i get the impression she has NEVER taken a single class in school, never taken a single test, and never "passed" a single grade in her life. daddy prolly told her, "if anyone asks if youve ever been too school, just smile, look pretty, and change the subject." to which she asked "whats a subject?"

[@JeremySayers38]

When your Dad is Don Johnson, hero of Miami Vice, that can happen and you can be successful no matter how dull as dishwater you look, sound or act like.

[@markburns2621]

She forgot or also didn't understand the 'pretty' part?

[@TheWenexx]

I think there is an explanation for the newspaper midday print: the writers were very young in 2003, so they can not remember how printed newspapers work or they did not read them back then. So they think a printed paper is like the online vesion. Everytime there is a new article, they print and distribute a new version. And this is how the subway story is in the print later the same day.

[@karachaffee3343]

I put a spider into Pepsi and it didn't make it. It was sad.

[@gmzerozero3678]

The directors who made movies like these are the kids who made up stupid rules in games and got mad when you didn't want to play with them any more. They are still mentally that same age.

[@bamikroket]

Every time "Seeing the future" is mentioned I have to think of Team 4-Star's Abridged series. "I can see the futuuuure!"

[@bad-people6510]

He's depressing the spoon on the grenade. He has as much time as he wants. It's the spoon that triggers the fuse on the grenade, the pin just releases the spoon. That said, there's no reason he SHOULD be holding it as long as he does.

[@newtpondskipper]

This is movie mechanics. Pull that pin it's going to exploded in 5 seconds or minutes depending how how humorous or exciting it would be.

[@darthgamer9861]

@@newtpondskipperI’d like a channel with the gimmick “if the grenades timers were realistic”

[@SSchneegs]

Fucking love "Fair Use Spiderman"! 🤣🤣🤣

[@jake12466]

In the comics, SPIDER-MAN gets very mad when you forget the HYPHEN in his name.

[@JoakimOtamaa]

​@@jake12466You gotta read it like Caddicarus in his PS1 Spidey review. "SPIDERMUN"

[@COI-O3]

i cannot believe this movie made a webillion dollars

[@jaroslavb.korinek7285]

One easily underestimates the dangers of Pepsi.

[@DamienBlade]

I actually love that every review of this movie has a picture of Sydney Sweeney on the thumbnail in skimpy clothing.

[@blackosprey2219]

I feel bad for this Dakota lady. She sounds dead inside.

[@muznick]

Just her brain.

[@ShinStriderHiryu]

oh dont worry, thats just her acting, you get used to it

[@AlphaHotel66]

I think she was lied to about the premise. As another commenter pointed out, all this was ever going to be was a slop film designed to protect IPs from Marvel.

[@joebojanic1905]

The "how are you poisoning me?" was my favorite line in the movie. It's so bad.

[@poissonsumac7922]

When Madame Web said, "Get your hands off Ma-dame spider!" I webbed my pants. It was almost as good as when Ben said, "Take your ass and Park'er right there!" or when Ezikiel said "I'm evil!!"

[@Mangaka-ml6xo]

"I saw R2-D2 and I caught the Clap!"

[@ijustworkhere1008]

"But isn't any sentence out of context out of contect" Fuck me, it was definitely a mistake to smoke up before watching that. I had to rewind it twice just to figure out what she was saying

[@puddintaim261]

Dakota is pissed off and hilarious in the interviews she got ripped off and knows it.

[@ShinStriderHiryu]

'' why did it go viral '' well looks like she never seen the morbius fiasco then

[@LaBigShip]

Not joking, below this video KZbin is suggesting I rent Morbius. The algorithm works folks.

[@captaintoyota3171]

Its very telling when acctress' try to out naked each other on red carpet.... gotta get some good press outta this

[@jake12466]

"Actresses," not " acctress' "

[@Saeronor]

@@jake12466 Tbh, "asstress" seems more fitting.

[@scrittle]

"We are inclusive and diverse, ok here are some tiddies"

[@DMF121]

You'd think the Villain and Madame Web would have something to say to each other. He did kill her mother after all. The Movie doesn't seem to think so though. I guess we just move past that. 😂

[@sblinder1978]

I still remember the lyrics to the Chekov's Fireworks Factory jingle: "It's a death trap, a suicide rap, we gotta get out while we're young..."