Stop A Dismissive Avoidant from Stonewalling By Doing THIS

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

What has been your experience with Stonewalling? How did you deal with it?

[@MangoOasis97]

I had to leave the relationship :'( butI 'm much happier now! :)

[@Pschool1]

I had to walk away.

[@marianabucio6047]

Being on the receiving end led me to abandon myself and ✨depression✨ over time. The relationship ended, the experience led me to do extensive inner work, and I'm in a much better place now. The suffering led to resilience in the end, which I'm grateful for.

[@howtosober]

I leave the relationship. Everything else with a DA is too much work for too little return on the investment.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤@@MangoOasis97

[@wonderfullymade6573]

I had the "I'm here if you want to talk about it" conversation and it's been two months since I've heard from him. That is painful.

[@TamagoEgg]

As an FA, avoidant hates their own stonewalling behavior and they know it. They prefer someone that set a standard in the relationship for themselves so that they can lead with good example. For example, telling him that you feel concern and give yourself a deadline to address the issue. Avoidant do not tend to approach people about their problem because they are afraid of being judged and criticized. They do not forget about any problem as long as they live. So I suggest that you bring up your courage and approach him again with the issue. Do not sweep it under the rug, it will haunt either of you forever.

[@gatorssbm]

Was in the same boat but with an FA for the same time period but in the case for dismissive youll have to try and reach out if you think its worth repairing. Thankfully after validating their feelings despite me attempting to call out their behavior right before I decided to go silent for 2 weeks it was the last time they stonewalled me. Even though I did feel a bit resentful at the time I still poured as much as I did before showing Im still willing to trust them and that was half a year ago. Im not sure if its the best idea to ignore him but if they see youve tried in the past even with this behavior and try to reach out he may reconsider re-approaching. But overall its really up to you if you want to risk chasing this if you both had a good history before this, part of the reason they do this is because theyre probably convinced either of you will be hurt in the long run which may happen even if everything plays out well initially. If you truly do trust this person in spite of this youll have to make them feel sure its safe to stay in spite of their flaws while also making it clear you wont tolerate if things escalate like this again.

[@thecurrentmoment]

Maybe they don't want to talk,about it?

[@trollhunter3944]

​@@thecurrentmomentSo the answer is to stop communicating for 2 months?

[@trollhunter3944]

@wonderfullymade6573 If you haven't heard from your partner in 2 months, the relationship is over.

[@Pumpmaximum13]

"DA's do not do well with criticism." The understatement of the decade! I am in a situationship with a DA, I've never met someone more defensive, I've had to really tailor my words to be productive in tough conversations.

[@Pumpmaximum13]

@@mjey1 i liken it to the movie Momento sometimes, always back at zero.

[@nannyboo9832]

100%. Even if youre not criticizing, they clam up and withdraw. It’s so annoying

[@Pumpmaximum13]

@nannyboo9832 its hard for sure. It is difficult to approach something important to you in a way that yields a productive outcome if it is viewed as a criticism. Which it always is 😆😆

[@marianabucio6047]

I would literally go into lawyer mode and take notes any time I had to have a difficult conversation with a DA. The juice is not worth the squeeze lol

[@asmallbitchybanana]

My ex DA was an ok cook/chef. He tried real hard to cook things according to the recipe down to a T. Truthfully, his dishes and recipes were just standard, but cooking with heart and soul and passion was something he just didnt do well. I didnt lnow he was a DA during this time, but one time he had brought over some asian food , i think it was ginger chicken and chow mein, and another time he brought over some beef stew . Cooking for me, is a natural thing, i first started cooking when i was 10, i dont need menus, recipes, or measurements, it was all natural to me and also instinctive. His food was ok, but he was never just a sppntaneous cook who could whip something up on the spot and it would be bomb . This was possibly the biggest mistake i had ever made. Asian food especially stir fried dishes for us asians are about smell, the aroma of the smell in the frying pan or wok, the chow mein he had made was very bland and didnt smell like anything. I told him that when one made a stir fried anything, think restaurant smells, picture the smell in your head lf how you would want it to taste would blow someones socks away, that cooking was abt passion, and notfollowing ingredients down to a T . He pretended to listen and take it all in, but i could sense the mood was changijg and he was upset when i told him that for examplethe chow mein didnt have that “smell” ohe looks for in a stir fry . He seemed visibly upset i said all this. Another time he had followed the recipe to beef stew agaij down to a T , sadly this beef stew was kinda horrible. I pretended it was delicious and still ate it, i didnt want to hurt his feelings ,but no matter how hard i tried to eat it, i just couldnt. I had it in my fridge for a good two weeks before i threw it away, no one at my house could eat it either. He also used the driest parts of beef, not suitable to be used in beef stew for example so the stew didnt have much flavor vs using more fat filled cuts of beef like the rib eye, which make a stew more flavorful . Cooking just wasnt one of his strongest suits, though i could see it was something he really wanted to be amazing at. Me attempting to be critical abt the chow mein really made me take a step back and decipher how he was not mentally capable of handling productive feedback, he instead took it as a personal attack and really struck his ego, it cut him deep right where it hirts, even if that wasnt the intention i wanted. I think he wanted to excel at everything he did, even if it wasnt one his of skill sets.

[@alienlovetunes]

my experience is they are never ready to have this conversation.

[@greengoconstructionllc9990]

Never

[@Pschool1]

I was stonewalled for nearly 3 months by my ex. They refused to speak with me face to face or on the phone. I was left traumatised by the scenario and despite what they did to me …I feel very very sorry for them now that I realise they are DA. But I also realise they have SO much work to do (me too) and may never make another person happy in a relationship until they recognise their own attachment style.

[@nateo200]

Wow that is really messed up. I'm avoidant but I'd never do that to someone.

[@Pschool1]

@@nateo200 they didn’t agree that they were stonewalling me and pushing me away although I felt I’d given them weeks of space . When I finally asked to have a proper conversation about what was going on I was told I was “too attached & had too many demands ” despite us being together for 2years. A Very painful experience to be treated like that by someone I loved, I’m trying my best to not be jaded by it. I have met someone new , I believe I’m well on my way to being healed and want to give them a fair chance!

[@nateo200]

@@Pschool1 Yeah I've played this game before but really only with my mother who has NPD where it is legitimately not safe and at times with others when I had to be around my mother too much. If I don't feel safe I will keep pushing you away even if you aren't the one making me feel unsasfe.. Being avoidant is on a spectrum that changes over the years depending on who you are with though.

[@Pschool1]

@@nateo200 thank you for sharing your story. Please Can I also ask for your opinion on something…Towards the end of the stonewalling I finally asked my ex if they just wanted to end the relationship and call it quits, but they refused to answer that specific question- but continued to stonewall and told me I was being demanding because I wanted a telephone discussion at least. My DA never ever answered my clear question to them, so I walked away because of the uncertainty. In that moment does a DA realise that stonewalling can kill a relationship? Why stonewall but at the same time refuse to address the issue. Typically will a DA tell you that they want to end a relationship or will they let it fizzle out naturally by the stonewall episode?

[@Sharon-jg9ls]

@@Pschool1I’d love to know as well. I’m in this exact situation. Brought up a minor concern and he completely shut down. I’m so upset and confused. The silence is awful. We got together for lunch and seemed to be back on track and then silence again. I’ve tried everything and just told him I’m giving him space and I’m here if he wants to talk. It’s a new relationship but was going well. It like he was looking for things.

[@IIAmHorseLover]

My ex DA situationship would get offended by the most MINOR remarks and then ruminate on it for days before saying anything about it. She'd give me the silent treatment first.

[@birdfriday]

I find “do you want space, distraction, or silent company?” works a bit better since it’s not bringing up ‘feelings’

[@adamfindlay7091]

In a non relationship with a dismissive non person. Going wonderfully😢. Think I'm done with people who live behind a 12' wall 24/7.

[@nikitawebster9272]

Sometimes I think it’s not even the actual calling it out that is the key.. the fact that the person is calling it out and consistent in reaffirming their support to the DA goes miles deep for them in terms of trust. Someone consistently being there even when we are difficult to be with really means the world & helps build trust for the long term.

[@Canwegetawhoohoo]

Been doing this for a year.. always there. It only makes him take me for granted😢

[@johnmaus4408]

I have had my DA partner "mind read me" frequently and most of the time it was 100% wrong and the narrative was always negative. The positive take away from that is I can say that I dont assign motivation for what another thinks and then act on it. What I can say with a certainty is that no one wins in situations like that. Eventually things break down and the relationship fails, families fracture and more trauma for family and its members are the result.

[@stormvet3806]

I never thought I would say this but it’s just not worth it. Who wants to spend all their time tiptoeing around them and their feelings and need for space? What about your feelings and needs? They take a backseat to THEIR needs.

[@jerusalem4492]

True. A friend of mine cut me off years ago. I don't blame her. Closeness and consistency was important to her and I couldn't show up for her the way she needed. It hurt but it was what was best. DA's need to learn to change if they want people in their life. I still struggle to empathize with the demands made in friendships but I know they are important. It does feel very exhausting for me and is an uphill battle to remind myself to show up and be fully present in relationships. Don't be our friends if you aren't willing to struggle alongside us. That's not an excuse for our behavior. I know its wrong. Just a warning.

[@analiablanco]

I love that. Validating ppls emotions doesn't mean validating their behaviour. They r 2 different things. Thanks!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome! ❤

[@joed4066]

So the only way this might work is if u keep chasing them and be their free psychologist

[@frederickwee]

"... if they are somebody who wants to grow... actually be willing to discuss it" hit the nail on its head. It takes 2 hands to clap.

[@jerusalem4492]

eek so tough! I had a friend many years ago call me out for "randomly" isolating myself from the friend group and I was so shocked. I felt shameful and slightly attacked because I knew she was right. It was a TOUGH conversation and I felt like I was being scrutinized under a spotlight. I never learned to have a healthy relationship with said friend and ended up losing the closeness and intimacy with her that I so valued. SHE eventually cut me off. It hurt a lot but I know it was almost entirely my own fault. I still struggle with relationships and have a lot of anxiety about maintaining healthy friendships that I will remove myself whenever I feel there is too much expectation of me, and just end up repeating the cycle. It's really hard to quiet the voice in my head that repeatedly tells me its easier, simpler and better to just not invest in friendships. It's very lonely but I know I can do work to fix it. I just need some resources and support. Feels exhausting but its possible.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

You can do it. You're halfway there and it's clear you've got courage because courage is not feeling confident; it's daring to be vulnerable. It's when we do something while it terrifies us. That's to be TRULY admired. All power to you!

[@SK-no2pp]

Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team.

[@r_and_a]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n sorry you experienced that 💚 manipulative sounds far more like a narcissist than DA to me as does your entire description really

[@r_and_a]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n you're welcome for the kindness, imho it's a basic thing *all* deserve & hope perhaps it might help inspire you to reflect how saying "all these things are born of trauma - it's a spectrum rather than an either or" can be overly simplistic, prejudicial, harmful, counterproductive & could even be considered arrogant you have no idea what my educational, professional or personal backgrounds are yet appear to presume yours must be superior? not to mention this is a field and regarding complex subjects where understanding is still constantly evolving. it makes me think of someone extrapolating that because *some* cancers result from behavior *all* must which can literally lead to people not surviving highly treatable conditions the majority of humanity have experienced trauma yet are *not* "on the spectrum" of machiavellianism nor even pathological narcissism & i believe conflating them all unfairly pathologizes many, further muddies people's understanding of the *different* conditions & seems likely to discourage DAs from working on themselves which feels particularly wrong in response to videos from the *personal* development school, especially as the founder's partner's a DA as an FA with C-PTSD partly from *multiple* relationships with a variety of different types of pathological narcissists whose partner & adult child are both DAs *all* of whom have benefitted from the insight pds (including DAs who lead webinars, host socials & more) has shared, i'm often frustrated & disappointed how many commenters seem more concerned with villianizing an attachment style than focusing on their *own* personal development

[@rachhhh9722]

This is interesting because Stonewalling can be a form of deliberate emotional abuse and the point of abuse is to have power and control

[@r_and_a]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n it's factually inaccurate to say "the DSM and the world of psychology in general is considering fusing cluster-B disorders under the umbrella of C-ptsd" considering the apa's dsm 5-tr hasn't even recognized c-ptsd yet & the who's icd-11 already did away with "clusters" i will not go point by point regarding *your* conjecture responding to what i intentionally noted was my perspective but again hope you actually reflect on what was shared & *why* how you framed things might both be harmful & come across as quite condescending

[@r_and_a]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n appreciate you acknowledging your assertion about the dsm was wrong. i stand by the few factual claims i made as my *unedited* comments purposely framed things primarily as my *perspective* including how what you wrote *could be* taken unlike your "definitive" statements i find it interesting you apparently re-read my responses yet are now ignoring my *actual* 1st response despite thanking me for the kindness in it which i acknowledged in the message you're now misrepresenting as my 1st... maybe if you re-read the thread some other time it'll be easier to see what i actually said

[@carolw3391]

Validating feelings instead of validating behaviours. 👍 My ex didn't handle this criticism too well then it really turned into blaming and self-criticism. I used to call out and it worked but the stonewalling comes out in different forms like attacking my small behaviours that he doesn't like🙂Which makes me feel like somehow always not being accepted fully.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

As a healed DA, I will only legitimately stonewall if there's an actual need to do so. It's a response to legitimate lack of safety, and is reserved for people that I don't want in my life in any capacity. Otherwise, I won't actually stonewall, but will instead pull into myself to process and to think, but because it looks like stonewalling, I will tell the other person I'm not ignoring them but am sorting through feelings and getting my thoughts together. I've found it to be quite helpful. A bit of communication at the right time goes a long way. With that said, if someone wants me to actually trust them with my thoughts and feelings, they have to actually listen to me. So many people interrupt me when I'm talking or listen to respond, instead of actually listening to me, even if I ask them not to.

[@Myes11]

Hi there ! What could it mean if a DA is ignoring texts (10 days now) but sending me snaps from Snapchat? Prior to him ignoring me I told him I want a 100% committed relationship and he said we will meet and talk about it (Haven't yet). After that he was a bit distant and then ignored my texts which I asked him if he wants space and then I told him I'm here and he can relax and talk to me. I send him 2-3 texts and 1 call and it was all ignored, but he is sending me snaps from Snapchat everyday and watched my stories on instagram. He is the one who initially said he wants to be serious with me, now we have been dating for 6 months.

[@robertrainford6754]

I hate dismissive avoidance. If you are a adult act like it. That’s just my opinion. I hate a traumatic childhood. Wasn’t close with my absent parents. I never pushed my partner away in the relationship.

[@roweme]

My DA stonewalls himself so he's in complete internal and external denial that he's even feeling/thinking anything. It's pretty excruciating sometimes. He can be tearful and still say everything is fine and he's not 'shutting me out' because there's nothing going on.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Been stonewalled for over a year despite reaching out for reconciliation. They’re incredibly unforgiving

[@wilvarosa9336]

They are not worth it. Dealing with them is very stressful

[@mdmcpherson8574]

@@wilvarosa9336 💯

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I appreciate the encouragement not to get upset and be to critical. To approach people gently. That is good advice because as I reflect, I do believe I have gotten upset .

[@r_and_a]

thank you for being reflective instead of reactive 💚 though definitely understand & relate to how DAs can be frustrating, think sometimes people forget *all* attachment style can be & working on our *own* issues can help improve our lives beyond just specific relationships

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

@r_and_a You're welcome & thank you for your comment. 💚 I do hope to improve & become more centered ,healed ,and aproach life gently.

[@laurabadwolf]

my partner and I were very secure and communicated openly. it was an amazing relationship up until march, some unexpected stressors showed up in his life, we cancelled my visit for my birthday and he shut down. we hardly spoke. maybe a text a week at the end and a few days ago he broke up with me. I think its not the right way dealing with this but I want to respect his need for space, so Im not reaching out. I still believe we could find a way through this and work through the stonewalling but both people need to want it for it to work.

[@NitaJain]

I had a close friendship with someone whose DA tendencies only became apparent once I became very ill. At that point he became cold and distant and said that he identifies as an avoidant person. It was so disillusioning to see the 180 shift overnight.

[@onlydavid]

When using a strategy like this it is VERY IMPORTANT to understand the difference between "stonewalling" and "autistic shutdown". This strategy may further push away someone in autistic shutdown :(.

[@Pschool1]

Sometimes I'm almost certain that Dismissive avoidants mirror traits of borderline highly functioning autistic people

[@ferpc0394]

What is autistic shut down?

[@onlydavid]

@@ferpc0394 I’m no authority on the topic, only a person on the topic, but this may help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kH6cfIFtgZaYp80si=8vg5zEjygBoSUJqm

[@r_and_a]

@@ferpc0394 some describe autistic shutdown being almost like an internal meltdown of sorts as overstimulation, depletion from masking, etc can cause an overwhelm that leads to one "shutting down" which can resemble a DA or FA withdrawing & is even fairly commonly misdiagnosed as depression (though it can be comorbid as well as lead to depression if not "treated" properly which tends to include allowing plenty of space without pressure to recover)

[@johnmaus4408]

Well, the problem with that is that some of these people are high functioning professionals that we respect. Given the lack of training to diagnose and the fact that at least my ex who is a strong DA would never sit in counseling and reveal how she thinks with me present. Although you may be correct there is no way the average person could diagnose. Then also all too many people watch a couple vids and decide the partner is the problem and then walk away.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Hi Thais, i was wondering whether you could talk about why people who were dating DA’s find themselves becoming slightly avoidant as well. Does this happen to anyone else youve been mentoring/coaching. Also, you mention in past videos that anyone can change their attachment style. Is there any transference involved in the association with a DA. I also talked to some folks on reddit threads who say they notice themselves becoming more avoidant after having been involved with one. Thank you so much!

[@Pumpmaximum13]

I am no expert, but I do see this in me. I am seeing a DA, a wonderful woman, so much potential. When she shuts down and pulls away, even though I know why, I still respond in the same way she acts, I feel like I do it to defend myself, my emotions. Its a tug of war with trust.

[@876tisha]

Yesss I’ve always attracted DA and I find myself being a DA now 😒😒😒

[@DaisyPeel]

I think it's just that you learn that you won't get responded to in the way you want, so you learn that it's not worth it or helpful to communicate too much. So you give up, cease to trust in the communication, and put up a wall to protect yourself from the hurt. I've definitely noticed this in myself after so many years of bad dating experiences

[@happygolucky9004]

Yes, I've noticed this too. The way I counteract it is that I have friends and family who don't stonewall. So I have other relationships where communication is very effective. It's a good contrast to see that it's actually the DA who has the problem and not communication itself.

[@alexblainelayter7703]

That's because partners of DA are exposed to the same behaviours that turned the DA into a DA in the first place. The partners make bids for connection and are shut down (dismissed and avoided) until they learnt not to rely on their DA for anything really and that bids for connection lead to painful rejection and it's not worth trying. The feeling of being increasingly diminished in self-worth, not seen, recognised and loved over time is what DAs experienced as children and made them what they are.

[@dangfd551]

6:20, So do you figure that these patterns of the DA stonewalling, ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc. really resolve themselves? You raised a solid case because in my own experience, my reactions to the DA’s avoidance was so so much worse than how I would have responded to any form of direct communication. I had zero boundaries, and I broke down completely. I can’t imagine how it would have been to be on the receiving end if it had been me. I can’t see how that experience wouldn’t demonstrate the ineffectiveness of their avoidance strategy, when it was called out and seen so clearly.

[@martini7454]

Hi! Genuinely trying to give you a reasonable response here. :) So please know I'm tryna be helpful and kind! I think the surrounding language around DA patterns 'resolving themselves' is important. These issues don't just go away with no action. The kind and patient 'calling out' of these behaviors, *creates a safe space to heal and build new patterns of engagement*. And ofc it's important the DA partner acknowledges this and is willing to grow too. And to reply to your presented situation, the DA is avoidant because that provides a safe feeling to cover up their core wound of being vulnerable. If an anxious partner becomes anxious and breaks down, even to the point of ending the relationship, that isn't evidence to open up and be more vulnerable to most DAs. That's another reason they can't be their real selves, and will drive them inward more. . . Basically you want them to open up, and to them opening up feels scary. They may leave this situation even more avoidant since they have more evidence they cannot be accepted for how they are, even if 'how they are' necessarily needs healing. It's so much easier to see how a DA (or any insecure attachment style) perpetuates their own relationship failures from the outside. But from the inside an insecurely attached person is just trying to resolve their feelings of relationship insecurity/core wounds, often in a way that perpetuates the problems. :( So anyway, good luck if you end up with another DA! They can be wonderful partners if they are willing to do the work to grow, and you can help create the safe space for them to do their healing work. Sincerely, A healing DA ;)

[@sshuteandrew]

How to stop a DA from stonewalling- leave. Stop the cycle of emotional abuse. Accept you can’t change another person and they are incapable of being a partner in a healthy relationship. That’s how you stop stonewalling.

[@sadiqua7]

My FA has returned and seems more regulated. It’s was a 2 month silence where I took the time to learn more about attachment and how I show up in relationships. We still have to address what happened, as now I have mistrust and do not want to continue even a friendship with a person that can so coldly disengage. I don’t know what the future will be for us but I am open to attempting to build something, not sure where his head is but he’s responsive now which is huge. This script you outlines saying I can understand how you must have been feeling but distancing is not the way to handle things, I prefer we not operate that way will be very useful. Now the biggest hurdle.. how to get him to sit down for the conversation. Sigh.

[@r_and_a]

congratulations on being willing to learn how you show up in relationships 💚 as an FA with a DA can definitely feel for how challenging being open to attempt to rebuild a relationship can be while FAs are sort of like a combo of DA & AP with our own "extras" on top, there are some fundamental differences between how we & DAs operate, especially regarding the reasons why "d" & "f"are next to each other on qwerty keyboards, so perhaps you meant DA instead of FA but since you seemed to indicate you're somewhat new to attachment styles wanted to note the difference in case it helps ☺ best of luck with your journey of self discovery!

[@gatorssbm]

What I did was make a casual meet up and we caught up on how we were doing last 3 months for about an hour before I decided to bring up that I knew exactly what happened. It helps a bit with easing into the conversation so they dont think youre too upset after that long silence.

[@greengoconstructionllc9990]

It will never happen. So don't get your hopes up. Even asking for a date will start the stonewalling all over again.

[@wendydaniel1110]

I'd rather be on my own and not be my partner's "psychologist" always fearful and anxious of "walking on eggshells.❤

[@AlaNnBanaNn]

I have a friend who stonewalled me for over a year and is still stonewalling even though i gave them space and reached out a handful of times to establish some kind of communication. Unfortunately, we are both bridesmaid's for the wedding's of two of our best friend's this year. As an AP It's been extremely damaging and I don't think the relationship can be salvaged at this point. I can't wait until the weddings are over so I don't have to be around her anymore.

[@roberttruman8444]

I know how civil you both are with each other or if you’ve not had contact for a long time, but as long as feelings of hurt and resentment are present it’s hard to think about anything else, but something like a wedding could be just the right kind of distraction. You’ll need to work together and this will force you to have normal conversations as you work towards a common goal that has nothing to do with your relationship. Since you both care about helping your mutual friends get hitched theoretically it should make it far easier for you both to talk and cooperate, and dare I say celebrate together. Sounds like a good opportunity.

[@AlaNnBanaNn]

@roberttruman8444 I appreciate your optimism and I was hopeful in the beginning too. We're now 2 Bachelorette parties, 2 bridal showers, and 1 wedding in with the last wedding coming up in a few days and she still chooses to stay silent and avoid me. The situation has made me emotionally spent so I'm choosing be empathetic towards myself. If one day she does want to talk, then I can be open and not be triggered.

[@Quixote1818]

The part around 5:35 is brilliant! By calling out stonewalling in a good way they begin to realize not dealing with the emotions is counter productive with their partner and they begin to change. Great stuff!

[@johnmaus4408]

Certainly I have seen " poor long suffering martyr " narrative being used when the DA recruited family members to side with her. This was bizzare since it in my opinion isnt a contest. 2 people are in the relationship.

[@steffiekensley8743]

I've seen the same thing with a DA. I wonder if this is a thing for some of them.

[@johnmaus4408]

I think it is the inability to get to a point where responsibility can be taken and understand that they can be loved and respected. So becoming vulnerable and allowing another to see and understand the needs, forgive and be forgiven is to risky. The maladaptive behavior long set in says to recruit support from those that will listen and plant seeds of discontent and finally this grows until the target is really scapegoated. Sad really because it is a microcosm of our society. No one wins.

[@keeratvig7767]

Can you please do a video about DA’s and divorce?

[@jessicajones7104]

The shutting down him and I call it having a stroke 😂. He closes his eyes and leans his head back I tell him hey stop stroking out Instantly we laugh and he corrects himself

[@Canwegetawhoohoo]

Stonewalled by an avoidant who is long distance... even more fun.. 😢 all i can do to vent is text.( this ofcourse overwhelms him) He wont pick up or respond or changes subject to the text

[@roberttruman8444]

Until I became aware of all things attachment my DAs stonewalling had an extremely manipulating effect that cause so much confusion and because she would insist that she was “fine” this helped generate feelings of being at fault without knowing why, and thus codependency formed and I slowly lost myself while raising her up onto a pedestal. It is a bit of a ‘chicken and egg’ situation in terms of who triggered who first. Ultimately we both played a significant part in creating this dynamic. I feel more like it is a 50/50 split in responsibility. We each showed up in ways that weren’t healthy and displayed different kinds of toxic Ultimately we were as bad as each other when it came to communication. This isn’t much help to us now though. If an AP and DA split then you can be sure as anything that the DA has already had a head start by 6 months. So the AP is typically destined to realise the problem in their relationship when it is already too late to make the sort of changes and efforts that could potentially transform it. DAs are far far far more strong minded and have excellent willpower, and thus they can truly commit to the stories they tell about themselves and the relationship/partner. Once they’ve lived with the stories for enough time, they accept the facts whether true or false and their feelings change. The AP can try to restore connection and address issues or misconceptions, but by that time they fall on deaf ears. They could even present concrete evidence that proves a partially or totally different story to what the DA had. But it really is a futile gesture and one that only makes the AP appear needy and weak in the eyes of the DA, who in turn feels reassured in their decision and justified in their methods and techniques. However it’s these methods and techniques that ultimately lead to the DAs downfall in time should they continue using them.

[@johnmaus4408]

Robertturm your experience is same as mine 100% it is amazing how these situations manifest themselves so accurately. One is left tumbling in confusion and recurring thoughts about what went wrong and their possible responsibilities. It truly is a bizzare and painful experience.

[@talithahope4779]

DAs sabatoge themselves. I'm a healed AP, but my DA ex will never see that I am healed and that I did the work - she assumed I couldn't grow and abandoned me without properly working through anything WITHIN the relationship. And that is HER loss. She lost someone who sincerely loves her, because she selfishly concluded I couldn't grow and tossed me aside like an old rag. Her loss, I know my value.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@johnmaus4408 They are both confused about what went wrong. But the DA won't show it and will do all that they can to dismiss their negative thoughts and confusion by rewriting their narrative and rationalising the difficult parts. Their need for distance is the dominant mindset whenever they tackle relationship problems. To the AP it must feel like walking the journey of life through a massive minefield. Their is no limit to the AP's imagination, and they can and will analyse and theorise over every possible scenario if their DA partner isn't able or willing to communicate about their problems. Such is their need for certainty, which unfortunately is like Kryptonite to the DA.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@johnmaus4408 They are both confused about what went wrong. But the DA won't show it and will do all that they can to dismiss their negative thoughts and confusion by rewriting their narrative and rationalising the difficult parts. Their need for distance is the dominant mindset whenever they tackle relationship problems. To the AP it must feel like walking the journey of life through a massive minefield. Their is no limit to the AP's imagination, and they can and will analyse and theorise over every possible scenario if their DA partner isn't able or willing to communicate about their problems. Such is their need for certainty, which unfortunately is like Kryptonite to the DA.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@johnmaus4408 They are both confused about what went wrong. But the DA won't show it and will do all that they can to dismiss their negative thoughts and confusion by rewriting their narrative and rationalising the difficult parts. Their need for distance is the dominant mindset whenever they tackle relationship problems. To the AP it must feel like walking the journey of life through a massive minefield. Their is no limit to the AP's imagination, and they can and will analyse and theorise over every possible scenario if their DA partner isn't able or willing to communicate about their problems. Such is their need for certainty, which unfortunately is like Kryptonite to the DA.

[@er6730]

Thanks so much, this is exactly what I needed! Just a note about the audio: I don't know if it's my phone, or my ears, or something on your end, but you have pretty strong vocal fry on certain words in every sentence, and those parts are very difficult to understand. I don't want to miss anything, so I keep skipping back and listening again. It would be easier to understand if you kept your voice a little bit higher. I think this might be a case of "it's difficult to talk to imaginary people" because I have noticed that when I try to record myself when I'm alone, I have WAY more vocal fry than when I'm speaking to a live person. So, I just wanted to give some feedback on that. Thanks so much for covering these topics.

[@TheMentalHealthToolbox]

This is such a great topic, and valuable information, well delivered and to the point. Thank you! You are doing a great service Thais!

[@ralucamera6574]

On long term relationships is exhausting! 😅especially when they refuse to grow.

[@lafemmeprada8]

I definitely was iced out from my ex DA. And yes I’m AP.

[@MrTheomighty1]

I’ve just gone to do the attachment style test and it says are you in a relationship. I can’t say yes or no because my SP whom I’ve not seen for a few weeks still texts me to tell me she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me every morning. She’s got so much going on her end she has asked me to run away with her and I definitely would and I’ve told her I would. So I can’t give what attachment style I am and I want to

[@heyli7]

It is just a painful cycle if a DA hasn’t done the work you are gonna def have unmet needs . Trust me you will be left feeling empty.

[@SalmaRouyett]

It can be very frustrating as an AP to have a DA partner. I am at a point where I could use some positive feedback from people who actually managed and resolved this part of their relationship. Does it get better? I would love some hope :)

[@r_and_a]

*you* can get better which makes most things better 💚 i'm an FA not AP but when 1st met the DA currently in a relationship with nearly 6yrs ago my AP side was far more heavily triggered so can relate somewhat to the dynamics you're probably struggling with one of the things i really appreciate about the relationship i'm in with a DA is that it sort of organically encourages me to work on myself instead of giving into anxious/preoccupied reactions as those feel like they provide temporary relief of "symptoms" without really addressing the "cause" if that makes sense i'm fortunate & grateful that the relationship with my DA "gets better" as we both work on becoming more secure in our own ways; however, it's far more important for me that i "get better" as that will make my life better no matter what becomes of my relationship 😉 hope i was able to explain my point well enough, lol, i love my DA & am not trying to discount the relationship, just noting the change in emphasis has helped both the relationship & me in general which i hope might happen for you/others as well

[@r_and_a]

@@mjey1 being realistic about your own ability to constructively change & knowing your partner's worth & limits is important, too 😉 totally get DAs can be very frustrating, just as *every* attachment style can be, however seems many almost scapegoat them

[@mexicanfoodjunkie8857]

While my relationship isn't as a partner but having a best friend as a DA (so obviously, my situation will be different) everything has completely changed for us. I would say the 3 biggest things that made an impact are : 1. I stopped relying on them to heal my wounds. This was the absolute hardest thing! But definitely had the biggest positive impact on our friendship. 2. I try to be in my own energy, if possible. What I mean by that is to be focused on my wants, needs, and goals. Not ignoring others, of course, but I made the decision to focus on accomplishing my goals in life, and make room for them when they want to join. 3. I made it very clear in a loving way that we both need to contribute to making the friendship work, not just me. That if they didn't make changes also, things wouldn't get better. Then I made it clear what they could do to support me, and I appreciate when I see them trying. (I think that, in the same way we can't help being anxious, they can't help being avoidant. I think also that attitude helps, too.) Anyhow, once those three things lined up, we stopped fighting and everything is comply different. They started opening up and being super vulnerable. Constantly reaching out... I keep waiting for them to be avoidant but it's not happening. They have actually become a snidge anxious in the friendship because I'm just focused on living my best life, whether they're there or not. Ofc, I don't want that either. Overall, I think understanding their boundaries and accepting they can't handle certain things (despite what they say) and so looking to myself or other friends when I need it makes a big difference. We think that they're the strong one in the relationship bc of their hyperindependance, but the truth is that they have walls because they are self soothing. And hurting. Obviously, as stated, this is my bff and not partner, so my situation is different from yours. However, I changed a lot more than my friend and it made a HUGE difference. So maybe there's some hope out there.

[@rameneater1437]

Im also AP with DA. The answer is yesint. Work on yourself but don't expect the da to do the same. They likely won't. If you love your da partner, you can probably improve yourself to be better for them. Just remember that with DAs, keep your expectations low. There's a slim light at the end of the this dark tunnel. What comes after you the pass light, depends on your relationship with each other

[@lakelliabutler504]

It can get better! After watching so many videos and doing the work on myself, I realized my partner has improved so much just by me intentionally creating safe space. He was exhibiting emotional availability by telling him when and why he overwhelmed. His disappearing has changed completely to him just taking physical space, meaning he still communicates everyday all day. He tells me he loves me and voices how uncomfortable that is for him to say (but still says it). We both have so much work to do but I wouldn’t want to take this journey in love with anyone else!

[@maryru4355]

But how should you deal with the silent treatment over text? My boyfriend (DA) and I can only see each other on the weekend and he usually stonewalls over text by ignoring me when I ask him to do a phone call to talk about something that came up

[@jessp2317]

keep gently calling it out over time.

[@roshalllambert]

I love it when Thais says "let's pretend" lolll !! loved the tips given here as always!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@johnmaus4408]

Thais seems to use Bob as her pretend subject. Bob it seems needs work.😂

[@roshalllambert]

@@johnmaus4408 oh yes the good old Bob!! We have learned a lot from his examples!

[@mr1m020]

This video gives hope 🙏🏼 thanks for this.

[@jaimemaguire789]

I’ve been with a DA for almost 10 years. I never knew the clinical term or style “Dismissive Avoidant” until learning about it recently while researching how to deal with stonewalling and looking for ways to help our relationship. I am an AP and know where that stems from and try to recognize that when I’m feeling needy or abandoned. But, I don’t know how to approach my DA partner to provide this very insightful information to him about his DA style. I think it will help if he recognizes himself in these behaviors but how do I present it without him getting defensive about it ??? Help!!

[@mybiggrin]

I did this & they gave me a short breakup text…

[@Seashellsbytheseashore21]

They may have been waiting for you to end it, (self sabotage) but since you didn’t, they finally did it. I can only speculate on my own past experiences. They might be back, if they’re a real avoidant. Otherwise they may just not want to be involved with you and ended it for that reason. Best of luck

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

As a DA, be very aware of how you're communicating. I suspect some people here feel like they did everything right but don't realize that what they perceived as being caring and supportive was actually overwhelming and demanding to the DA.

[@sshuteandrew]

DA’s can’t handle the truth.

[@jerusalem4492]

Yes. A friend I held very dearly was brave enough to have the conversation with me and while I knew she came from a place of love and care, I felt attacked! It almost reinforces the desire to withdraw because now you're aware that you're hurting others by your behavior and (in my mind, at least) it feels like the solution then is to just remove yourself to avoid causing further pain. It's twisted.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@jerusalem4492 can u be more specific pls, give an example?

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@missc Can u be more specific pls, give an example?

[@hn5900]

What if they don’t respond to you calling out and they shut down for a month and you don’t hear from them and they don’t respond? This has happened before and he re-activated when he saw me in person. Should I go visit him?

[@MangoOasis97]

nah i'd say leave him that's not ok

[@katieandnick4113]

The more you need them, the less they want you. Somewhere inside of them, probably on a very subconscious level, they lose respect for people who allow themselves to be treated badly by them. DAs are all looking for a connection with someone who can protect them and make them feel safe. It’s not simply that they fear being relied upon, especially emotionally, but that they want someone they can rely upon emotionally. If you let them treat you badly, which is what they always end up doing if you allow it, they subconsciously process that as you being unable to keep them safe, from others and from themselves. If you are lean secure, and only feel anxious due to your relationship with them, it may be possible to get to a place where they can become secure also. But more often, the only way a DA can feel secure is by being with someone who is more avoidant than they are. It can be really difficult to not long for them, because they tend to make very good partners until they deactivate/devalue you in order to protect themselves. But as long as you want them back, they will continue to hurt you.

[@ginamarie7603]

Very helpful thank you

[@joshliam1967]

Not sure what to do here, as in the past when I touched base about whether something was wrong it just made things worse...it's difficult!

[@tracylc3569]

This is so helpful!

[@r_and_a]

fwiw, in addition to the work thais has done, her partner's a DA so often find she offers incredibly helpful insights & tips 💚

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤@@r_and_a

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad to hear it!

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

DA women tend to be more self-aware and less emotionally unavailable than DA men, from what I've noticed.

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

This is much easier for women to speak like this, men just don't typically speak like this. If men have really speak like this, it just easier to leave Avoidants because the juice isnt worth the squeeze if the Avoidant isn't working on themselves.

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

What a joke. It is up to each individual to do what the please. Be happy if someone you feel frustrated by is ignoring you. It is an opportunity to know your place without that person needing to attack you physically or emotionally. You demand too much from others. You exhaust yourself by trying to make something work that barely works. You are wasting your opportunities for people who never would treat you unfairly. Let them rot, I say to you.

[@Sarafara7]

Where was this advice 2 years ago ☹️ lol

[@dentrout9383]

This is an email response he sent me :You are not capable to have a drama-less conversation with me. I’ve tried multiple times with you but you’re disrespectful and blow up over small things. And frankly, I do not have the time, patience, or interest. Sorry

[@dentrout9383]

Thais what do you think?

[@IAm-qf2xb]

Superb information, perfectly explained. Thank you.