therapy is the new friendship

[@Mitochondresha]

I feel that adults now tend to reserve the "Experience life" with only their partners. You should do a video on the Friendship recession!

[@commieslowj4ms]

I had this specific conversation with an acquaintance where I voiced an that observation I made, namely I tend to constantly seek romantic partnership just to have that emotional outlet given that I virtually have no friends. Only a bunch of acquaintances

[@Divinelyguided1997]

I agree! As someone who has been in a relationship for 6 yrs. I am a pretty social person before and while being in a relationship. But I find that people who are either single or also in relationships can’t fathom me wanting connections outside of my relationship and I even have a hard time making connections with other people who are in relationships because their life is centered around their relationship. in

[@M5TABBYCAT]

​@@commieslowj4ms Totally agree.

[@imuRgency]

normalize silly goofy time !!!

[@_Alimm]

We should also be aware of who we call our friends. Some of those friendships that feel like quick therapy sess catch ups really aren't our friends anymore, they're associates .. I called a lot of people my friend until I met people who genuinely enrich my life. They are very intentional on staying connected, make time to spend time together often even when some of them have families and jobs of their own. I feel important to them. Friendship feels like friendship. We make time to stay present in the lives of people we care about. Some people aren't making the effort because they simply do not like us as much as they or we'd like to admit. That's the harder pill to swallow.

[@niablee]

Now THIS is the real take!

[@M5TABBYCAT]

So true.

[@EayuProuxm]

Modern adult friendships really have been 'social media-ed'. A series of status updates, until they either stop or one of you die.

[@odynobodie]

surprises me so much that some ppl just don’t know how to… hang out

[@happyclappy1805]

I am over exchanging diaries with people. I don't like the idea that people have to have done something special or spectacular in order to meet up. And that folks don't feel that they can be honest with depression or a broken relationship, a lousy boss, unemployment, illness, painful family issues , noisy neighbours, regret about life choices, confusion, debt, addiction . If we cannot turn up as we are, then we shouldnt call that friendship. Why can't we just hang out ? Some of my friends and I go the supermarket, meet for coffee , walk together, grab a sunset together and don't feel obliged to dress up to hang out!

[@backtoroots316]

@@happyclappy1805 You are such an angel for having and employing this mindset that your friends are allowed to be *people*. Sure, late stage capitalism is stressing us out like crazy so having a friend that is only negative would get pretty exhausting but even if that was the case, why not do fun things instead of only meeting up to talk for two hours then? We have become weirdly inflexible within human interaction and don't bother to even attempt to fix it.

[@benbenassi2348]

Catching up really feels like a progress check. Is why i avoid old friends (who aren't friends anymore anyway)

[@Shay416]

This makes so much sense lol

[@buttercup3248]

Omg yes

[@bophenry]

Loved this video. There's much to say about how untrained we all are involving non-romantic and non-familial people in our lives. I've noticed even friends who live near me; we'll default to only seeing each other on the pretense of brunch plans or some other planned social event. But we struggle to just drop by and cowork, or do laundry together, or rely on one another for grocery shopping trips, etc. I'm like obsessed with this type these days. And trying my darndest to be in real community, not just a perpetual cycle of catch-up brunches. So glad you made a video on it!

[@colbykamilah]

My only “let’s catch up” friend, the time we spend together feels uncomfortable. My hang out friends, the experiences feel lighter.

[@VariousAndSundryBee]

I don’t have a romantic partner, but many of my friends do and it’s galling how I basically got the chop as soon as they got serious. I don’t want to be that person, but if I have no real friends, it follows that I would make my future partner my new bestie.

[@alunoodalmheiri7028]

Those arent real friends, idc what anyone says!!

[@M5TABBYCAT]

​@@alunoodalmheiri7028 More of those people tbh.

[@emil5233]

great video!! super thought provoking; this really just made me reevaluate how I view stereotypical male friendships aka group of guys golfing or playing bball… the ability to indulge in that ‘play’ together and prolly get a catch up session in the process… they’re kinda on to something

[@midapita]

fr i wish more of my woman friendships were like this

[@backtoroots316]

Only having those friendships are not fulfilling and I think that is part of the reason why men are reporting such a sense of loneliness these days. That being said, not having silly goofy friend dates at all makes friendships feel like a second job and will likely also make you lonely once you get tired of it and stop meeting those people.

[@serenity6831]

I really needed this video, especially in the middle of this endless terror. I appreciate the long distance friends I've made over the years bc to catch up with them and experience new things has been incredibly cathartic. Also, I've been meaning to pinpoint why I don't love the "so how have you been" premise, because after you catch up, what can you say? It's quite boring and also a little surface. *Edit: not that I never want to catch up with the homies, I just need a little more after the catching up is done

[@mmps18]

I don't enjoy 'catching up' sessions either! I feel like I'm just expected to regurgitate milestones that people already know about.

[@NotMalikScott]

Can you speak on how you met your friends as an adult or how to make friends as an adult?

[@glimpsesofjoy]

This is such an important topic that I've created a new business trying to help other people make friends. We need each other after all

[@tamyraw]

@@glimpsesofjoyhow can I get in contact with you? Cause I need help making friends 😭

[@117mel]

she touched upon that in the death of squad goals video

[@renee1309]

This! I miss singing and dancing with my high school theater friends bc it was literally commiting to something just for the fun of it, or for a communal experience that has no other appeal other than us being together ❤ hoping to get back to this with my adult friendships

[@penofthebeloved]

This is so relatable. Much of life doesn't prepare you on how to cultivate friendships when proximity and time become less and less. I definitely think college was the easiest time to make and maintain friendships. When I got my first "adult" job pre-covid, I lived with two of my friends, and we literally never saw each other simply because our work schedules were all over the place. It was a different kind of terrible. Now with working from home and have a more flexibility it's become easier. I loved this video!

[@grazielatedesco8320]

i agree with this So much. and catching up can truly feel like making a report sometimes… we shouldn’t be so worried about relating every event that has happened in our lifes, but instead let it come up more naturally as we experience things together

[@lindsayallen9251]

Wow, this video is so timely. You vocalized things that I haven’t been able to put to words. I recently moved back home after living outside of the US for a year, and I’ve come back and my friendships feel a bit like an endless stream of catch up sessions (I mean I did just move back, but this is also something I felt with the new friends I made while I was away). People are busy with partners and work and I understand that, but the formalities of planning a hang out a week in advance and going to dinner or a museum just isn’t my favorite thing, and i felt this even more so in the place I was living before too because it was a huge city. The hangouts that I enjoy most with friends are the ones where we are just doing life together. And the people I feel closest to are the ones I’ve done that with. Chilling at each others homes, going to the store, etc. Even though I live in the same city as my older friends now, you’re right, it’s hard to be spontaneous because we are still 30-45 minutes away from each other and we end up seeing each other once every 2 weeks. I want to do life with my friends, not play catch up every two weeks. I’ve had the experience of actually living in community with others and living within walking distance of friends and having dinner together often and I continue to crave it. I really relate to the long distance friend thing as well; one of my closest friends and I live very far from each other and we probably visit each other for one week, twice a year, but because that time is so intimate and we are just playing and catching up in a very organic way, it’s so lovely. I hope to do life with my friends and neighbors more in the future, but I also want to live somewhere else outside of the us where community is more of the norm. I know that this is the state of adult friendships in the modern world, but im not built for it. I want something different for myself. This video made me feel a lot less alone in my feelings.

[@ryn2844]

And this is why I spend the most time with my silly DnD friends. Catching up is a byproduct of spending time together, not the reason to get together. I also don't like the 'give me a report on the past couple months of your life' type conversations. Extremely uncomfortable.

[@nurityalieva3852]

dnd paperwork is very simlar to psychology tests

[@amandamaryanna]

"Catching up is a byproduct of spending time together, not the reason to get together" Yes!!! Perfectly said

[@SadeWatkins]

This was such a Great Reflection. I think I maybe just a few years older than you, but my Appreciation for your Wisdom and Cadence is Genuine. You always express topics that deal with the Heart of a Matter with a soft intelligence that is very Older Sistery Hope that makes sense 💞💞💞💐💐💐🥺🥺🥺 P.S. I LOOOOVED seeing your Friends and you Dancing and the Ballet Core part. That was so Nice 🥺🥺🥺 💞 Stay Sweet, Golden and Blessed 💞

[@slawbrina]

I have also felt this tendency toward wanting to spend time spending time with friends, and this video is a good kick in the pants to take that seriously and to take play seriously!

[@ConiConiConi333]

This is ks really what has been aching in my heart the last few weeks. The realization of the metamorphosis in friendships, and althoug we can change, it is also part of adulthood. My friend had a baby, her schedule is all over the place and of course she wont be able to "experience life" with me. And i wouldn't change her for another friend. The catching up is sometimes the only way..

[@steegen101]

I've been making a point to play D&D as often as realistically possible with my friends over the last two years as a young adult. This space for earnest dedicated play, story, strategy, cooperation, etc with the explicit caveat that "we don't make fun of each other at my table" enables what would be judged as cringe anywhere else but is just vulnerable make believe in a casual, scheduled fun time. It's been harder to prioritize in recent months since it has to be done remotely now, but man it's a great example of your last points made here I feel

[@coreyisaiah]

I love this video concept. I told my friends that I want us to all buy land close to each other, start our own neighborhood and treat it like a cult 😂 (meaning not everyone can come in lol)

[@alunoodalmheiri7028]

So true!! This is why when most friends ask what has been going on in my life, i always just say “nothing 🤷🏽‍♀️”. I could send them a newsletter…

[@kravond]

Thank you for putting something on my mind into words. I don’t want to review memories with friends. I want to make memories with them.

[@vepply]

im only 16 and already feel like i need more of this kind of quality time with my friends!

[@backtoroots316]

I've been watching a lot of video essays on friendships these days because I've been struggling with that for most of my life and now finally people are opening up about that struggle. This video was honestly one of the most thought provoking ones for me because I've never really thought about that catching up aspect and how it makes me feel bad about myself? I kept being asked what I basically did with my life for the past two months but at the same time, that person is not willing to fill my life, our lives, with experiences. Kind of dystopian if you think about that. Also looooved how you emphasized adult play. I actually have a book on play on my to read list and will get into it as soon as I've finished the one I'm reading right now.

[@bethanyraup3260]

I had a previous relationship where their friend group would always just hang out to hang out, they'd drop by each others places p much everyday if not every other day and I loved that energy so much. I would mention this to my friends and it just wasn't natural with them, even those I was closest too and its been causing a lot of frustration because I got to experience a taste of that dynamic and I really want it but its just to easy to attain unless there is equal effort.

[@gelilamenna]

loved this. i have a hard time staying close with friends i don’t see as often (long distance friends) but i know once we see other again things will go back to normal. but then again, these times will be spent catching up and not hanging out..

[@thelifesizedoll]

Thanks for speaking on this. Ive ended friendships and also find it hard to connect with people because it literally lacks casualty. Everything doesn’t have to be therapeutic or as you said “a highlight reel” based discussion or hangout. The later personally has an undertone of competitive needs & validation seeking, like “look what I’ve done” and I don’t like that. Let’s just live our life together, support each other and find things we can share that are enjoyable to both parties. If we need to “heal” and develop in deeper ways I feel like that will occur naturally instead of forcibly.

[@vsboardza]

If that is how you feel, maybe consider talking to your friends about renting a big place or a more medium sized place so y'all can have more time. I'm asexual so maybe that colours my perception. But I do not understand how in western modern dating culture we, or rather y'all because I am African living in Africa, do not consider at some points to live with your friends like LIVE with your friends in the same place for a while or forever if none of you get married, and even if you do get married, to live together with your spouses, partners and y'all kids if you decide to have them. Idk... Just a thought! Inspiring video. I have an idea to make almost a response video to some of the points and contra points you made in this video. I am finally in a place in my mental health where I can start to semi consistently create content

[@perfectblue3]

I'm going to be moving into a new apartment next month and I'll be living alone. This will be the first time I don't have a roommate taking up space and making it difficult to host people over. I plan to invite my friends over more often just to hang; do crafts, make food, watch tv together. I think this is something that people my age (early 20s) are missing, especially in a big city like where I live. There's not alot of third spaces where we can hang for an indeterminate amount of time and not be expected to spend money.

[@marcoakastallion8621]

Here for the play time. Me and my friend use to hit this bar up drink and play card and board games. Good time

[@nala8179]

Amazing video as always! It's a great conversation to have even though the solutions seem limited sometimes. It has been so hard to make and maintain friendships due to busy lives, etc. Money problems and stress also make it a little tough to mentally justify "play" when trying to find ways to "work more/harder".

[@LaytonObserves]

V interesting take! I've been thinking about this for a while, that, as a adults, we seldom _experience_ life with our friends, but relay our lives to them every few months or so. "Catch up culture" is a great way of putting it

[@moeezS]

Maybe I'm too old for the topic of this video, being 36 and having kids, but I don't see an issue with catching up with friends. Yes, they'll be prioritised after familial and romantic relationships, but that doesn't mean the time adults spend with friends needs to be reduced to progress updates. It could just be a nice gateway to talking more deeply about our lives that an Instagram caption can't capture. Also, doing activities together, even if it's planned, doesn't mean a bad friendship. Spontaneity requires a certain amount of privilege. It requires friends to live near each other. To have enough free time. To afford travelling together. And all those spontaneous, playful experiences could still happen, it just requires more effort than when we all shared third spaces and settings together in school times or in childhood.

[@user-lr2qv3tx9g]

So I’m not sure if this is relevant but I’m a guy, and this video was insightful for my friendships too both men and women. It feels like recently we haven’t been experiencing life as much together rather discussing it. Which I like both a lot both are critical for me but it’s interesting, i haven’t thought about my adult friendships like this. Great video, I’m gonna try to bridge that gap now that I’m more aware of what’s felt “off”

[@CuratedVibes]

I dont share much personal stuffon socials. Because I moved abroad 7 years ago, peo ppl assume my life is exciting but its pretty boring. Folks have high expectations during our catch up sessions. I disappoint them every single time.

[@lobsterspasta]

I just found your channel and your narrative and overall editing style is soooo refreshing. Its so nice to see this topic being brought up and its still increidbly relevant 4 months later

[@4zn1nv4zn3]

I'm 35 rn, and I miss my early-mid 20's post college. It was an era where I hung out w/ friends the most, where you could spontaneously make plans and we went out to the bars all weekend. I don't know why that goes away later and seeing friends requires such coordinated planning and now I'm realizing the interactions do consist of a lot of just catch-up. Is it really because everyone gets boo'd up so time gets divided between our friends, families, and partners and their friends & families too? Our time also feels more limited so we kinda guard it too much. I also need to learn to reach out more too.

[@vanessaashleyokeke]

That dance class looked amazing

[@2piwa164]

thank you for this, I said this to my therapist and she didn’t understand

[@shaneyshakoor]

Heavy on serious dedicated things in low stakes environments, such good pay-off

[@JohnSmith-wi4xo]

Where can I see the Say A Little Prayer video? Looks neat.

[@IshtarNike]

Thanks so much for the great video. Personally, I think the reason for this is because late stage capitalism is the most antihuman our society has ever been (at a broad scale I mean). Human social interaction is based around close physical proximity and day to day interaction. The modern economy which requires people to change jobs every few years, to move across the country or city on a regular basis is utterly antithetical to natural friendship. Our brains did not develop in a world where it was necessary to "prioritise" and plan time with friends so people naturally find this very hard to do long term. The type of future planning required all day every day in modern capitalist economies is extremely mentally and emotionally draining and I wish we recognised this more. (And these things really are necessary. Living standards have been falling for decades as wages have stagnated, especially relative to things like housing costs which are most people's biggest expenditures. And in order to get above inflation pay rises now you literally HAVE to change jobs every 2-4 years. Hence why we really do move jobs and residences so much with no time to make stable close friendships once we leave university). This loneliness epidemic is almost entirely a result of how we're forced to live by our current economic system and it won't change until we change all those factors I mentioned at the start. Most likely that will require a major systemic shift or even (most likely) the end of capitalism. Edit: Yes! Play is SO important. Its a fundamental part of human connection and we've seemingly been moving away from it as people take themselves so seriously now (probably another byproduct of capitalism and toxic productivity, if its not productive then its bad). Playful friendship are the best and most authentic and long lasting. I love that you brought this up. We really need to recognise it more.

[@marcbyrnes379]

Experience life together > Spark notes. Live in the now.

[@TheSayyestothedress]

This resonated sooooo deeply

[@shayshayshayshayshayshayshay]

i did not need to see this video right now. im already depressed as it is, dont make me think about how my friendships are actually bad and not the only good part of my life

[@steegen101]

BROOO not to comment excessively but I super resonate with not enjoying my half of a catch-up session

[@steegen101]

An "Am I Good Enough" interview?? no way am I opting into that with friends

[@Imallwrite212]

Such a cool topic! Really gave me something to think about

[@brandonmorris6901]

Great videom been binging all your stuff. Found your channel yesterday. Loving it ❤

[@balaynganiyebe]

i have nothing much to add, splendid video :D really hits some thoughts I've had over the past few months

[@dovestone_]

05:47 and 07:06 Honestly maybe sounds like you don’t need some of these friends, P much all of my friend meet ups are catch ups atm due to living situations and none of them feel like this Re the importance of ‘silly’ time, me and my v close friend started watching twd in uni and carry on when we see each other / plan to just re-watch / watch the spin offs together forever and ever

[@tjfm2456]

I've always said that people overuse the word "friend" to mean any person in their immediate vicinity who they tolerate and are willing to spend time with. I hate that there's this taboo around calling people "associates" or "acquaintances" as if every person you meet has to be your 'friend.' If people only referred to people they have a genuine bond and relationship with as their friends, then a lot of the confusing social stigma would go away.

[@ssplintergirl]

This is the wake up call.

[@kiarah.371]

i haven't seen the vi yet so maybe this is addressed, but a lot of comments dreading the "catch up" is giving "i hate small talk." If you can't stand to talk to ur friends about how youve been doing, how can you expect them to meet you where you are? And if the convo runs out after that, maybe that's not bc you caught up, maybe it's bc you never had much to talk to each other about to begin with? Just say you hate talking to people lol but also, I find therapy speak to just be the next evolution of the american of pathologizing everything so that nothing you do is ever your fault

[@nottolearnbuttouse]

Okay. I'm saying that I hate talking to people like YOU.

[@ishwaaq191]

A lot of people who say that they dread the ‘catch up’ is because they rarely see their friends and during their catch up session, they are just relaying everything that happened to them in the past, however many, months since they’ve last seen them. I think most people would prefer more regular communication, where you guys know what is happening in each other lives. Instead of not speaking for months and then catching up and doing the same things months later.

[@silverfox9648]

Can you tell more about how your bookclub works?

[@amandamaryanna]

we just meet every week in person to discuss the reading we did that week! :)

[@arachni888]

love this vid so so much 💗

[@nowwhytheheck]

yesssss yes yes to this thought video

[@oo-ru5lt]

I gave up completely and just play therapist for my friends now. I gave up my health and happiness 👍

[@eeee8479]

Great video. Subscribed.

[@kseniav586]

Yeah I hate catching up too. I think and feel so much but these are not observable events or achievements to report. So the only friends that stuck with me are those who find it completely okay when they ask "What have you been up to?" and I go on a 10-min rant about how God must be evil or something.

[@corimoon3360]

We’re all trying to heal each other 💀

[@UNKNOWN37473]

You look cute with the headphones and mic.

[@Charlotte-hv6ll]

Leaving a comment for the algorithm

[@candidemae]

1000% this!!!! Is why I don’t have friends lol

[@jeremysistrunk3742]

Strong opening statements and assumptions.

[@AngDevigne]

This is so important. Thanks.

[@icaro_andstuff]

Thats why I play dnd!!!!!

[@kindabluu]

yessssss louder for the people overly consumed by their romantic relationships

[@bratzsuperiorentertainment6186]

Are we ever gonna get a trailer for Let Her Eat Cake?

[@INFJSpanishcoach-gv6jb]

I wanna wake my super spontaneous side without being seen as "infantile" by so-called physiologists idc if they have PHD whatever degree they have in real life they're a bigger mess than any teenager of the world

[@snehapradhan5591]

❤

[@Music-tb3qc]

Same sis :((

[@makingstatements812]

Im the worst friend cause i dont talk to nobody.

[@ZechsMerquise73]

I don't know, maybe it's your class of friends. My friends and I just hang out for long periods of time at the end of the day. They go on vacations and have family and life situations, but we spend maybe 10 minutes a week talking about that kind of stuff. You're hanging around people who are socialites and high-income workers, they might be convinced that their lives and situations matter more than that of other people's, because they're living the "high life." Like, you're right, nobody really cares about someone else's trip to Greece from 2 months ago; nobody cares any more than if that person was talking about their experience watching the movie Grease. But they're being sold this fantasy that spending and making money by various means, whether it's a trip or a wedding or a job promotion, makes them more interesting. Your socialites have lost the art of just being.

[@BlinkPopShift]

Huh. Wild. This is not my friendships at all. We are just in each others daily lives. Mostly via text. We don't "catch-up"

[@za1231in]

just do shrooms with the bros

[@jasminerosewater3891]

I feel bad for Gen Z

[@eleanor4759]

Why?

[@jasminerosewater3891]

@@eleanor4759 Their reality is so skewed and effected by the ever present existence of DEVICES, VOICES, MEDIA. I'm so glad I got to develop my sense of self without all that noise. It's too much to think about all that Gen Z has to think about.

[@careforjusticealways]

I mean instead of making a video essay u could put that effort into learning how to be a better friend and how to improve friendships

[@millalaure]

FiRsT ;D

[@eiselelua]

"we need to play, we need to giggle, we need to laugh more often. we need to get serious about being goofy" ❁🩵

[@elllie3630]

For me tbh it happened its passed not important anymore I am focused on the present and future so I will forget it happened lol. But another reason I love online friendships 😃like I will be in lecture on the bus anywhere and I can still talk to them 🫢I also like that you can talk more personal/introspective topics because you don’t really know how they look what is exactly is happening in their and you are always there in the moment that it’s happening

[@QueenZsWorld]

friends I have to "catch up" with, I tend to feel like whatever I say will be told to their closer friends... ie the one girl I'm still in touch with from high school telling the other ex-classmates what I mentioned in our "catch up". because yes, she gives life updates on everyone we went to high school with: marriages, deaths, drama, the works. I find I'm closer to my friends who are long distance cause we update each other on life in "real time". they know how I feel about my job, my prayer requests, what I'm excited about for the week, and what interesting videos I've been watching lately 🩷

[@GedeonGuercin]

heard you 🫡🙏🏾 i agree abt holding on to our inner child in our friendships. truly is fun