This Is Why 80% Of Relationships DON'T LAST (Fix This Today!) | Esther Perel

[@lewishowes]

What was the #1 thing you pulled away from the interview? - Let me know!

[@aritaur1226]

Hi Lewis. Great work! Could you add a rewind/forward function on your videos please? It’d be really useful to better retain the complex material.

[@meg39818]

That maybe I don’t need to show up totally “fixed” and “together” before I get into a relationship. Relationships themselves can show you who you are and add to the self-awareness. I think there is always self-work to be done but I don’t need to isolate myself to work on building my self.

[@chevestong]

​@@aritaur1226 If you have the page in focus, you may use the 'j' and 'l' shortcut keys to rewind and forward the video in 10 second increments. The 'k' shortcut also pauses the video. To speed up playback, 'shift' + '.' ; to slow down playback, 'shift' + ',' I hope this helps!

[@berlyessentials6787]

Learning to calibrate my expectations of others in a healthy and fair manner was truly the life changing factor for me.

[@12thjewel]

Uff, so much learned in this hour clip. For me, like yourself ((I noticed your facial expression & you took physical note)) of the importance in knowing whether we are fundamentally self reliant or interdependent - knowing this about thy-self and partner can help additionally understand our love language / expressions / reactions. Additionally, I enjoyed hearing Esther's story where she asks if we are successful because we had a great idea or each other :) Partnerships are amazing, but being the best version of yourself which radiates & adds; joy, encouragement, stability, excitement, & sensually into a partners life - if not forever then for additional growth, that's a gift.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

Love this Joni Mitchell quote on relationships - It said: ‘If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.’ What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories - and, in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over. You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die and then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you - it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it, you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”

[@stephelisabeth3143]

I'm saving this in my notes for later, it's great.

[@jacquelinethereseplunkett221]

Thanks

[@huyenmy6166]

Thanks a lot ❤️

[@KayMaReu]

I love Joni’s music but had never read this quote. I love it so much thank you for sharing ❤️

[@pebblepicassos]

Yeahhh 👍👍👍

[@cruisingmimi9319]

“If you don’t change and grow, you will fossilize and you will die” and “If you change too much, you will disregulate and become chaotic “. Brilliant thoughts, one after another!

[@r.r.r9746]

Everything she says is common sense, she is just good at expressing them

[@tonyromano6220]

Ouch! I have done both.

[@jaggater3839]

@@r.r.r9746 nlllln’ Lmp L Léo ´ P P P P’ Lm Plhgnerbeve J’en Rêve En Memgevvbrm M Rbrvdcdcd cc Dcececcecwcd de wfmegmgmegmegemgmgememgmgmgmgemhmeemggdfdcdggdgfgfgfev de f G D Died De De D Deee Died Demi Gg Gemgemgrgge H Gd So Ça Dm Coucou hpjgwnwgggwnnwbwgmvgmfgbwneb Gregg Hunger gd f de rmgmgmegmrgmmgmegmegemgergnhebfbewfbfgwrhrwvwww veverwvfevebefewwwd

[@jaggater3839]

Got шалгалт тохируулга fu G шалгалт тохируулга хийх shalgalt tokhiruulga khi

[@theoduval1408]

So in other words, she is saying ‘let me help you walk this tightrope, let me make a ton of money from your helplessness’. Bet she’s single.

[@lorikayser200]

At minute 25 in this talk - it is so important. I agree with what she says - we don't achieve a completed work of self love outside of a relationship. We might think we have it all figured out then you enter into the relationship and find out who you really are. It is IN the relationship that we discover who we are, how adaptable, stubborn, deep, guarded, open, closed, fearful, insecure, etc etc. It's easy to be in relationship with ourselves, to do the work and feel better. Then we enter in to the relationship and this person challenges us, disappoints us, hurts us, betrays us - than is when we go to a new level of growth and self discovery cuz it really isn't about THEM (my words). XO

[@angeliquedejong5136]

Well said

[@angeliquedejong5136]

Well said

[@pebblepicassos]

Very well put 👍🙏

[@Nonsequitor415]

Amazing how people are amazed by this. Commonsense not so common.

[@dockcom]

For reala

[@Voodoorai]

"Don't ask for one person to give you what a whole village should give you" Eureka!

[@michz9304]

@Vibrant77 Lol!

[@kimberleykooijman5848]

Yeah. That was truly a good one

[@cuarajhyrojayju4397]

She is exaggerating we use common sense and know our limits I don’t expect anything from my husband that I know he can’t give me like all the sudden making a lot os money when he is a working class

[@searchingsoul5910]

I'm not sure if I am reading my own experiences and projections too much into your comment, but if it's meant as justification for the hole polyamory-movement, and contemporary tinder/hook-up culture. I think there's a question of width versus depth that you are overlooking, the two are not of equal value i presume. And you can't increase one without some cost to the other, at least that's what I believe... But then again I suspect I will stay monk-mode for the rest of my life, so my perspective might be flawed in its own way.

[@dockcom]

Just don't fuck the whole village and that's a deal

[@drbsavvy12]

“Make it so, that when people remember you, they smile” So wonderful

[@shangrila628]

I was born and raised in South Asia. Lived there for 18 years of my life. So much peace, happiness and a sense of community/family with neighbors, with shopkeepers, with vegetable vendors and literally everyone you run into on a day to day basis. Moving to America for higher education and living here for the sake of "opportunities" has spiraled me into a sense of deep loneliness and perpetual sadness. Her point about self-centric culture vs community is spot on.

[@bonusone8840]

💕

[@MissOJAY]

So sad that many want this opportunity to move but are not aware what they loose bcoz we dont value the intangibles. The priceless intangibles are worth soooo more the older/wiser you get.

[@theoduval1408]

So, will you go back home?

[@kathym656]

It used to be that way, but if you want a sense of community, it is up to you to start talking to the people around you. Say hello to the shopkeeper, the person on line, or the people anywhere you go. Some people will talk to you, some will not. Smile & the world smiles with you ....

[@lspag7415]

@@kathym656 yes agreed but it's so much harder in countries like US and Australia (where I live) because its not a natural way of life, people are so much more insular and we need to work to make our community. 🌈

[@jennyfelicitasbarz9934]

His deep curiosity is amplifying her incredible intelligence and wisdom. Beautiful!

[@nezahualcoyotlarrieta-rey3341]

He seems far too amused, and it's distracting. The camera should focus on her. It's almost an expression of skepticism to me. A moment of growth...and he's almost like a child.

[@georgiaz.koutsokera9853]

"For a change, instead of asking which partner will I find to be suitable, we should rather ask, 'who will I be as a partner?'"

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

True!

[@missk7145]

Both are great and need to consider. Unless co-dependent is what could be for either.

[@KamyCraze]

For when you are whole and aware, you’ll likely attract the same energy

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

@Chuckles Daclown I think you should change your name back to Nuckles DaTroll.

[@riqaazafareed3153]

The way Lewis was looking at Esther with so much willingness to learn ... 😍

[@vaneza2471]

I agree.. and so with his other videos :) ..

[@majorkade]

lol

[@AM-oq6cf]

“Willingness to learn”........ more like- Bring me money Esther.

[@daniellelmftcatp3890]

I saw that right away. He looks like a kid in a candy store. I love it. I can only hope to be a fraction of the therapist she is.

[@nichellehowell]

I think he is one of the worst interviewers I've ever watched.

[@olena.sadoma]

Find of Esther. She is the best. A pure soul that heals others. My takeaways: Calibrate your expectations Diversification - get what you expect from one person - from more people. Doing new things You learn to love yourself in the context of relationships with others. Relationships help you become who you are. Are you looking for a love story or a life story? A relationship is based on repair. You show the other you still matter. Taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom. You need to acknowledgement of all the things the person does good. So when you have to tell about the moment where you messed up, the other person doesn’t feel like in a constant chore. The tendency - disregard the positive, take it as a given. And concentrate on negative.

[@mcwillowthatbutt]

@Black Knight Fool What are you talking about? Your comments are so random and out of context they don't make sense

[@tamkeensakeena7643]

Black Knight Fool using big words doesn’t make you sound smart. Her advice actually makes sense and has helped millions. It’s not like a breakthrough thing that she says, she says things that should be common but are not realized - common sense is not very common. But if you apply what she says to your relationships, you will see a positive change within not only the relationship but also yourself

[@theoduval1408]

And give birth, while you still can.

[@danielvillanueva6639]

Esther is really underrated. Please give more exposure to her, it's amazing how eloquent and how much value anyone can get from listening to what she has to say!! Thank you so much for this interview Lewis!!

[@baanjones5910]

Black Knight Fool You have issues. Get help! Your obsession with homosexuality. A lesbian swept your girlfriend away? 😂 women aren’t turned on by machoness or narrow minded individuals. Truth is painful 😁

@Black Knight Fool you could have just said that she is jewish...

[@lexiemaep7930]

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be someone "special"? That's the real question. We are being brainwashed to be utterly selfish, instead of selfless. Selfless is the key to true happiness.

[@johannsalzstreuer5006]

thanx. erich fromm . the art of loving

[@Jimraynor45]

I think going from one extreme to another is not an a answer. What we want is exchange. You give something, I give something and hopefully we are both better off a result. Being selfless and getting nothing in return will only make you bitter, resentful and/or corrupt.

[@readingsbycara]

Do you want to be *happy or right?* ♥️ Extend grace.

[@Mr.Honest247]

Nah I was always happier when I was selfish. Being selfless means not catering to your own needs and that action alone will make anyone miserable. The key is to be selfish in general while still caring about others just not at the expense of your own happiness.

[@lexiemaep7930]

@@Mr.Honest247 I've never been happier than when I'm helping others. It's literally the only thing that brings me joy.

[@Drme2]

The smartest women I ever seen. amma call her mum. Thank you mum

[@huldaadriyannah1633]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA LMAAAAO, you killed me with this one!

[@Mr.Honest247]

You must be from England.

[@aprilwalterscheid]

She’s a feminist? Ok instant fan here. 😍

[@conorm2524]

@Black Knight Fool Where have you got this info from?

[@conorm2524]

@@aprilwalterscheid Hitler was also a feminist. Another insta fan??

[@thehealingfairee]

38:06 There's a big difference between "I messed up" and "I'm messed up" Wow powerful

[@ng945]

I loved how she brought awareness to the societal focus on "work on yourself" mentality. I think it may distance us further from forming relationships & seems to contribute to the self absorbed nature that is rising. It also, shows that there is a spectrum of healthy codependency. It's not always you against the world, it takes a village and we all need people in our lives that we can lean on and can lean us.

[@malovina]

I started working with a therapist in Russia about a year ago and this was the first thing she debunked as well. She said you can work on yourself and on your relationships at the same time. You don’t have to come whole to your relationships, none of us. And to my question of “is it better to separate and find new more compatible person”, she said “well why don’t we explore working if elements that are worth exploring while you’re still in this relationship because once we move on to another, we’ll still need to work on them…so perhaps it’s worth to work on it while still in this one until 100% it’s not improving or working?” I thought it to be amazing feedback because I tend to think that I need to improve myself before I get into next relationship or improve myself before any relationship and truly you can still work on it while in a relationship.

[@jumpinwithjackie121]

"Taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom. It doesn’t matter if it was or wasn't your fault. It's still worth it to say: it wasn’t my intention. I didn’t mean to." -Esther Perel This is so powerful because it shows how quickly someone's relationship can improve if they don't succumb to their own stubbornness. One action can change someone's entire life.

[@LucyACPA]

It is more complex than that. Social exchange theory plays a major role.

[@veramiranda8136]

How refreshing! I am personally tired of people promoting resilience trough loneliness and self reliance. Is just refreshing to hear someone recognising that we are social creatures that need to relate to others and that is what makes humans and experience self.

[@bettymurphy6865]

Totally agree. People actually think that we are failures to look for a relationship. How pathetic is that

[@bettymurphy6865]

Lewis is just going to make a great husband

[@oscarm.1417]

Men are wired for self reliance, women are wired to take advantage of the fruits of that discipline.

[@fnhc2023]

Whelp…..there are introverts and extroverts and some people who thrive without a “lifetime partner”

[@carmenkamberos1156]

Vera Miranda, well said! Loneliness is an awful place to be. Can tell how angry and bitter these “independent” people are… The Lord said in Genesis 2:18, “It is no good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Blessings.

[@MissssTai]

God bless this woman! I used to have that ‘I’m working on me first’ mentality and it did not serve me in the way I thought it would. I’ve learned more about myself in a 6 month relationship than I did in 2 years of ‘working on myself’. My partner has made me a better person.

[@VivianGray88]

She’s right - it is in relationships that we find out just how much of our personal growth actually sticks. It is also true to acknowledge that there are aspects of Being that need to be worked on away from other relationships, especially if they’re easily triggered and because when you are hurt and wounded, your ability to attract relationships is relegated also to mostly the hurt and the wounded. Taking time off to address old wounds and to heal them, without hurting someone else through your wounding or, being even more hurt by someone else because of your wounds is absolutely something that benefits all your relationships that come after. So both are necessary. There is wounding that can take place in relationship that compounds all other wounding and makes recovery twice as hard, than if one takes the time (not too long mind) to address the existing trauma by themselves but with professional help, for example.

[@abusofianspeaking]

You know a psychotherapist is good when she turns an interview into a therapy session for Lewis.

[@petradrabo9906]

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Äää Ä Ää Ä Ä Ä Ää Üä0üä0üüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüü Üüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüääüüüüäüüüüüüüü Üüüüüäüüüüüüüüüääüüäüü Üüüüüäüüäüüäüüüüüäüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüü

[@petradrabo9906]

Üüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüü

[@petradrabo9906]

Üüüüäüüüüüüüüüüäüüüäüüüüüääüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüäüüüüüüüüüäüüäüüüüüüäüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüäüüüäüäüüüäüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüäüüüüüüüüü0üüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüüäüüüüüüüüääüüüüüüüüäüüüäüüüüüüüüü Üüüü Üüäüüüüüüüüüäüüäüää Üüüüüüäüüüüüüüüüüüüüäüüüüüä0üüäüüüüüüüüüüüüü

[@ashlingwadeable]

Love your comment!

[@jenniferlopez8961]

I’ve been thinking the same. This is more for Lewis than anything. She’s sooo fucking incredible

[@sxd29]

LOVE Esther!!!! She speaks so much clarity....simple clarity!!!!!! AND she is so right - this whole SELF LOVE thing is going overboard!!!! It is turning into a selfish world....and that is NOT self love!!!!!

[@kevinvanhorsing5141]

USA 🤭

[@PERMAVWellness]

I think the cultural shift toward self-love is healing a deep history of codependency. I also agree that being in a relationship is the most fertile ground for growth.

[@cleecaldwell00]

She didn’t have ONE note jotted down. True professional here!

[@lightowl4345]

Decades of teaching the same thing.

[@theoduval1408]

Master manipulators don’t need to.

[@tapiwakay]

Skill. Experience. Expertise. Depth of Knowledge. Seth Godin is the same, the knowledge just oozes out of him.

[@Coachnaimah]

Also a gift, I believe. 💫🙌🏽💫

[@y.b.386]

Lewis is such a great interviewer that he forgets that he is conducting and interview. He is so present in the conversation and genuinely curious about what the speaker has to say. The way he takes notes even he knows they have it on recording shows me how much he deeply and personally value the speaker’s wisdom. There are so many motivational channels out there but I come to this channel. It’s not only for the motivational messages but also for that authenticity of him. I come here to be reminded that a great deal of strength comes from being your authentic self.

[@katieduong2873]

I agreed!

[@ericacvl9155]

I loved how the interview became a therapy session, then he tried to dismiss the whole thing, and she's like, Nope, let's wrap this up! Wonderfully done. She's amazing!

[@Raccon_Detective.]

09:00 Why are relationships seemingly so hard for so many people 13:50 The identity Economy 15:27 Disappointments of relationships 15:55 How relationships change 23:56 How often should we be doing new things 25:28 Taking care of yourself 26:33 intent 28:38 Your relationship to others 35:59 What do you do with that disappointment? 55:33 The three truths

[@jasonberryman1035]

🙏

[@Sos_Arthur4x]

Your The Goat

[@Contentcoachlindsay]

Takeaways: #1 calibrate expectations #2 diversify expectations #3 doing new things with your partner

[@sydnieleehoughton3935]

Very good.

[@fabriceizzo2922]

#3 what to bring to the relationship instead of what can my partner do for me.

[@donnah574]

@@fabriceizzo2922 if you are building a transactional relationship and keeping score that would be a good lens of perspective to use. 😉

[@CrystalSicily]

Love yourself. Your happiness comes first.

[@dulcemejia319]

@@CrystalSicily no, no, no, that's the problem we love our self to much, our ego it's bigger than ourselves

[@MusiicRoolz]

no one is naturally born for self reliance. everyone, EVERYONE needs connections. that's what human beings can't help but desire. we need to connect to live

[@LucyACPA]

Men do not think so. You are a woman.

[@theoduval1408]

A lot like vampires, really.

[@judithhenderson9107]

as evidenced by being brought into the world connected, through an umbilical cord :) we are meant to be connected

[@4565roxy]

This lady is so wise and eloquent.

[@jenniferleung299]

I’m high on Esther Perel every time she speaks. Every word is a mantra. Oh! And I just adore you Lewis!!! We need more men like you!!

[@emjayramosaea5150]

When there is pain & suffering, there's an opportunity for hope and compassion to expound.

[@lisavanalstine6179]

takeaway -- being in a relationship lets you see who you are. so true. Esther is so frank and I love how direct she is, very refreshing.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Lisa VanAlstine,You are beautiful 🌹🌷🌺,hope you are in a good relationship!!

[@DeDoDiDoBundo]

She is a warm, strong, kind, natural woman with a deep view of things. Sitting and listening to her talk.. ..It's like sitting next to a contemporary philosopher ... She is so amazing😊

[@هدىعليفهميخشيم]

What a deep thinker, mind provoking and inspiring woman. I love you Esther. U changed my life.

[@moragmcgill]

I just adore this woman's addictive mix of wisdom, empathy, and irony. There is no #1 point as sh says "and/and" and she delivers beautiful concepts more or less one per breath!

[@StephAyala1]

I recently found your channel. I started watching your videos and I fell in love. Last year was one of the worst years for me. I touched rock bottom. I'm doing my best to be someone better, by educating myself and by doing the things I didn't do before. This video truly touched me. I was into it at first but it got more interesting where you said that you were sexually abused. I went through the same thing too. That really messed my life up, all types of relationship really, with my family, friends, school, work. It really changed me. Every time I had a misunderstanding with someone I would always go to the same place where it all started, where someone abused me and took advantage of me. It wasn't the abuse but just the fact of someone taking advantage over me. I basically isolated myself from the world. I became afraid and terrified of everything... Now I'm doing the best I can to get back on my feet by trying to find myself again. I deeply appreciate the work that you do. This video really touched me, I can't thank you enough. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORK. It's truly eye and soul opening.

[@chilloften]

😭🌹🔥

[@lindseynovak8058]

Esther Perel is truly the most brilliant mind in the field of psychology and life. Her lectures are mind-blowing. Every time she speaks, she shares wisdom.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Lindsey Novak,You are beautiful 🌹🌺,hope you are with a good man!!

[@letoyachristmas]

I absolutely love this conversation. Esther is so wise.

[@acchaladka]

DarthYuYevon I’ve lived in eight countries on every continent but Africa and Australia. Yours so far is the silliest comment I’ve read today. Please re-evaluate.

[@acchaladka]

DarthYuYevon and yet, that’s not at all what I said or suggested. Best of luck.

[@indrinita]

@DarthYuYevon I stopped reading after you spelled "except" wrong. I knew your comment was going to be filled with stupid buffoonery as soon as I saw that. Thanks for declaring your idiocy immediately so I didn't have to waste my time.

[@theoduval1408]

Yes, she’s like the wise old crone of the village. Amazing.

[@unicornsarereal8484]

@@theoduval1408you are totally right except that she doesn’t look like an old crone at all🤣 😊 but wise, oh she is. I also love her humbleness 🙏🏻

[@moragmcgill]

This is a condensed school of life and Esther is ...beyond words. A model, a thinker, a researcher, sharp, wise, empathetic... she is so wise and articulate I could listen to her all day... THANKS for this interview

[@christianpulisic7784]

Morag Mcgill,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@madebyjoliene8070]

“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life” 🔥

[@LoyaltyPetCare]

Lewis, I've seen a few interviews with Esther now. No one connects to her in an interview like you for me. She's brilliant on her own, but you really draw out the best of the best. Thank you, this was monumental, sharing far and wide. And Esther if you read this, work more with Lewis, love this relationship.

[@countcrow]

agreed, he asks really good questions at exactly the right time!!

[@Honestrespectfully]

1000% THIS! Was profound.

[@Yasin.Abdullaziz]

This Lady has a miracle in messages and she has contributed a lot to my life and relationship awareness.

[@InnerVisionStudios]

Your interviews with Esther are always your best ones. This one definitely does not disappoint. Loved it.

[@fg2109]

Esther is amazing. She needs to have daily content.

[@marlonvalentino]

I love your essence Lewis. It is refreshing and soothing

[@myumbrellav.4488]

Esther, I cannot tell you how many self help, speeches, speakers, experts, masters, sifus, quotes, bibles, yada yada yada I have searched and listened and couldn’t find one that gave me an awakening until you. I’ve listened to only a few of your clips thus far and wow! I was never ever so wrong in my entire life yet I feel so empowered because I have a better understanding of my actions. You explained it in a way that I wasn’t taking away my voice but a way to understand myself which helps so much how to deal with myself, and in dealing with myself, is dealing with my partner, indirectly. Thank you. Thank you.

[@shamshadtarmohamed153]

I love Lewis Howes. You are not only my favorite interviewer, I love your authenticity. It comes through. Your whole persona is so real. Esther is so amazing too.

[@dauntlessbonita9747]

I remember my mom would still cook and serve my dad his favorite meal even after they have an arguement. I really admire the wisdom of Esther. I hope she comes for a visit in Singapore

[@kevinvanhorsing5141]

True love... Unconditional..

[@yogaflame4128]

Wat if it’s a narcissist? Lol

[@nofybn7794]

@@kevinvanhorsing5141 So women are doormats? WOMEN NEED TO RESPECT THEMSELVES. NOT take abuse.

[@conorm2524]

@@nofybn7794 Ugh... Really?

[@dauntlessbonita9747]

@pink girl both my parents work. I dont see my mom serving my dad a meal after an arguement a cultural thing. The way I see it, the love and respect that my mom has for my dad is more than the arguement that they had. What I learned from them is, despite challenges you face as a couple, your devotion that you have for each other is greater than the arguements that you have. I think this is the very reason why they also was able to resolve whatever difference they have immediately and made their relationship strong. Mind you, my parents dont argue or fight very often. I just related the experience base on the inputs given by Esther in the interview.

[@joannsmith3589]

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" - Buddhist monk

[@chrissearcher3563]

Yes! The 4 noble truths will actually give you a path from suffering. I wish that had been mentioned as an exception.

[@missk7145]

Yes. Allot of pain comes from we ourselves or others, for now in this time frame, because of not using freewill in a good way.

[@lexiemaep7930]

Absolutely!

[@rayleneveloz296]

You'll still suffer in one way or another. Though like stated everyone has their own view of what suffering is. If you live a long life suffering is inevitable.

[@joshikawale25]

While I don't want to question a religious teaching that was obviously brought about after deep consideration and enlightenment on some level, as a common person, we persue religion to live life the right way, to have a path, a guidance, but a lot of people who choose the path of being a monk or saint, you can choose for any reason but you come out of the experience learning how to be altruistic. The physical environment helps in creating their mental environment, also there is a lack of selfish attachment (family, relationships etc). Us as people who have this noisy environment (fyi the constant noise decible is actually more than what you need to have your mind at peace and not in a state of anxiety because of the noise), anyway, you can not separate suffering from life, because pain is an indicator of a problem, suffering is its side effect, the journey to acceptance of the problem can bring a sense of solace, of peace, but in this life of family, career, livelihood, responsibility; you can never be without a problem, and a problem also alarms mind as a danger to the current state of life, you are bound to react, to have negative emotions and if we learn to navigate through them we can bring betterment to our life. I say this from my personal experience, I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder that put muscles and bones and joints in pain and fatigues (as main part of the symptom) at 15. It was sudden, it degraded, it was terrible enough that I could not say one sentence with more than 10 breaths without loosing breath. I learnt eventually to accept and adapt then. I am 20 now, I am better than I was, but I have to deal with college burden with this illness, (a new problem). I dropped 2 years to get better. I have to learn to adapt all over again. I can't help but suffer because of the constant physical pain I feel, I can just let myself slowly learn to accept my new reality.

[@cnunex1766]

So helpful to hear during quarantine and reflect on relationships and the important things in life

[@MikeBarron1]

Exactly!- Reflection

[@AlwaysWannaDance]

Another great interview she does specifically on relationships in lockdown. kzbin.info/www/bejne/qonWeWprjZiUfKs

[@habentesfai6768]

This woman is gem. Period! And Lewis we appreciate you!

[@saniaasan]

I don't usually actively and carefully listen to a one-hour interview, but with Esther Perel, I do - and I could listen again and again. ❤️

[@abihortin2160]

This interview is blowing my mind. I love Esther, she articulates her findings so brilliantly. I want that Creative Partnership.

[@nichole8609]

I love Esther. She has given me another way of looking at relationships that has relaxed my stiff perspective on how relationships should be.

[@33Jenesis]

👍

[@nancyyates567]

Same here...I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to find this incredible woman.

[@salayir1144]

“Relationships are interactive! Relationship helps you become who you are!” “Are you looking for a love story or life story!” Wow!! Esther Perel thank you!

[@saskersoontiens3780]

What a terrific guest (and interviewer). So nuanced, knowledgeable and eloquent - absolutely stunning!

[@SSLLatia]

The conversation at the end about acknowledgement is SO important. They talk about relationships at home and work. I am a new teacher and we were taught "point out the positive behaviour, not the negative." So for example if all the students come in, sit down and open their book and there's one who is looking out the window: I can say "very well done Charlotte that you are ready to go" and the child at the window will get the message that he/she forgot something. I always thought that's such a roundabout way. But of course in a group of 30 I can't be complimenting every child every time they do something right. So every time I comment on something bad, it becomes a huge deal, because maybe I didn't compliment this specific child in weeks and they feel it more acutely as an attack. This clears up a lot for me that seemed a bit tedious and overblown before. As a teacher you have a huge responsibility for the safety and well-being of your students and a lot of influence on them, so that makes sense to give children the good alternative more often than telling them what not to do

[@theirishfairy6281]

“As a teacher” 🙄 - good Lord, no words 🙄

[@thejamesparm]

Thanks for this insight

[@conorm2524]

Teaching everyone to be passive aggressive. Yaaaaaayyyy

[@becomingtheone5356]

I am committed to climbing that mountain of having a „happy, thriving“ relationship, a relationship that inspires others! I am preparing for a partner who wants the same :)

[@marimetr4261]

I was doing that and then I married some who I thought will be humble like me and appreciate what I got already beautiful pay off house, new cars, good paid job, savings and it turned out he just wanted to still of that from me, he never loved me because he was cheating on me the entire marriage and if you wash neglecting and abusing the only charger I had with him after when we got married

[@maryshivy2799]

How we repair spats is what makes the strong part of a relationship. The juice between solving choices and moving onward. Great wisdom, great interview.

[@Tayamiz]

This woman is a genius! This episode must be taught for everybody around the world. And this is the first time I see a man talking about relationships and feelings, so I am kind of having a cultural shock now 😂 greetings from Jordan

[@goldheart320]

When he talked about his past being sexually abused and how as an adult it made him be defensive and get angry when he feels he is being taken advantage of....I started crying. That was/is personal for me as well.

[@DBoyuh]

at 4:55 * Yes, when we share our stories with someone special, happiness gets magnify and sadness gets minimize

[@CanRotaryLife]

I swear. I just got like a page of notes on how I want my life to be from this episode. This was an experience for sure.

[@Onebeautifulheart]

When she speaks gold coins fall from her mouth.

[@JessiJordan]

She's amazing ❤️

so she is above a silver tongue...

and she is jewish...

[@DaRyteJuan]

OK. I thought it was spittle.

[@LillyNotFlower]

Amen

[@michellemorkel5956]

Successful relationships = Calibration, Diversification & Do new things!!! Profound learning for me

[@kaylabryson1932]

She’s fantastic... she doesn’t need any interruptions from interviewer. A few interjections but very little.. just let her go and so much wisdom comes .

[@corinaspfx]

she is my hero and spirit animal - lewis is trying so hard to manage all the stars in his eyes as he listens to her speak, it's so sweet to see that kind of respect and reverence

[@johnhartsock1891]

I think he just has very painful gas

[@IevaKambarovaite]

When I think I've heard every talk, every interview, read Esther's books and then this comes. Wow! Lewis, you've done an amazing job in this interview. I love how humble and open you're, how willing to learn 🙏🏻 Loved every second of this conversation. A must watch. Going to share it with everyone, so we can all have better and richer lives. And now I want to rip a couple of pages from my book and edit out my videos. Learned so much. Thank you.

[@addansteelbane3536]

Hello there :)

[@IevaKambarovaite]

@@addansteelbane3536 hey :)

[@Nah-ah]

Girl, same! 😩😭😭😍

[@rudy1999]

I think your name is Lithuanian? I am Latvian

[@waiki8223]

"Attached" Amir Levine. An eye-opener recommended by a psychologist to me. About the question of "fixing yourself before starting a relationship". Really valuable book to understand yourself and the potential life partners.

[@babysab8013]

Best book on relationships I ever read .

[@jiji_arra]

This is by far the most holistic relationship interview I have seen Esther give and I watch her content avidly! I will be rewatching and rewatching this episode! Thank you both for this essential content!

[@berniestudio]

12:32 - "Everything that was a rule is now a negotiation." That statement is so powerful. Without the traditional rules and structures, decision-making becomes highly complex with so many different permutations that it can lead to stress in a relationship.

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

This is why family traditions are important and serve as a springboard to relating to the world.

[@deborrastrom8559]

You can have a life partner & love partner "be the same person", especially when you feel love worthy of your best compliment to yourself & recognize what that looks like.

[@silentgrove7670]

I miss the feelings of being connected with someone. I know that sounds selfish, I do still miss it though.

[@tnt01]

Stay strong, everyone. Everything will be ok. Trust :))

[@joenew2997]

Wrong. This is the beginning of the end.

[@Avidjupiter]

@@joenew2997 Lol what?

[@sharyn9922]

"Are you looking for a love story or are you looking for a life story?"

[@christianpulisic7784]

Sharyn,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@bintissa5929]

Compatibility over chemistry 👌🏾 Learnt in a hard way

[@scarlesbarkley9186]

Bint Issa you need both

[@evab.6240]

@@scarlesbarkley9186 i think so too. I had just compatibility (and also deep friendship, even love) bur no chemistry and it was making me feel guilty and trapped

[@MO-ss5mj]

Compatibility over time

[@azlondon]

@@evab.6240 Did you split up with that person?

[@melmel7011]

You need more compatibility and less chemistry

[@JustBeingAwesome]

28:00 Values, just not feelings, not just what attracts you: - the way we see relationships to others in our life - were you raised for autonomy or for interdependence - curiosity (eager to discover) vs likes comfort and repetition - religious views - family or no family? - do you want to own a home? - do you think that economic achievement is important? - do you want to live in an extended family? - do you want to live in more than one place? - money, feelings/emotions/attitude toward life A value is a cluster of things. You need to have the same outlook on life, the same vision.

[@bc1248]

Relationships don’t last when a relationship never started. Peeps think that eating and sleeping together is a relationship but it’s not. That’s like trying to learn the alphabet from the end. XYZ instead of ABC.

[@LucyACPA]

BC 100% agree with you. When marriage is not demanded, religious or not, children or not, then what is left is one leg in and one leg out. Relationships must be started right, with proper commitment.

[@jesus3373]

Absolutely, spot on.

[@travis6694]

@@LucyACPA I needed to read this and it reminded me of my ex girlfriend. I look back and I see that she always had one foot in and one foot out and that’s a huge reason why I couldn’t trust her.

[@heatherberry01]

@@travis6694 sounds like your fear won. Because if she had both feet in...would you have taken it for granted or respected it? Were you ready? Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Commitment is a two way street. No one should be fully in unless Commitment is shown and presented. At least that was my last lesson.

[@jonathanslight]

Such a beautiful beautiful woman, thank you for living and existing

[@gwenrobinsonbodybasedpsych6029]

I am so impressed Lewis with your capacity to go into deep personal vulnerability on screen, it moved my heart to the core. 😭

[@lewishowes]

❤️

[@practical.emotions]

Lewis, I loved the piece of connecting that when you weren’t feeling acknowledged by your ex gf is a direct mirror of what you needed to learn yourself in your business and past business partner. Ester touched so brilliantly that this is a part of your old story that you don’t need anyone. And then also showed that just you being upset about not being acknowledged shows what is true for all of us, that we all need connection and to feel acknowledged. Bravo for also giving to others what you need the most. We learn by example and by how others treat us. You are teaching others in your life to acknowledge you and what your needs are by also gifting them w acknowledgement. Thank you always for your willingness to be vulnerable as a learning tool for others. Just incredibly manly and brave.

[@roguecalendula5132]

The way we approach challenges and what we enjoy. How we learn. Values we share. How we wish to be in the world

[@cillachipili7741]

I have had school of greatness podcast on my phone for 2 years but never listened to any.today I stumbled on this talk with Esther Perel, i am truly inspired. I am listening to her for the first time. I like her alot. Thank you Lewis.i have downloaded a lot of episodes now.

[@Taurusiam]

Wow, I wish the world could see this amazing, profound and enlightening knowledge on how to not only self reflect but how to achieve growth by bettering ourselves and addressing our past which can help us to understand each other clearly when we enter in any relationship. And Lewis your story resonates with me soooo much and I can already see why my relationship hasn't worked. Always feeling like my efforts weren't good enough, or appreciated, taken for granted and so I kept doing more and giving more but I still felt the same. And I hated feeling like I'm being taken advantage of or used. Man, that's an exhausting and draining feeling indeed..... WOW!!! I got some work to do!!!

[@MargaretCampbell583]

After being very ill for along time, and very immature, then find a way to mature, I believe that maturity is almost a primal need for a relationship and having good frendships. When trauma leaves the brain the thinking is clearer and emotions are better regulated, then one can cope much better with the way to behave in a marriage which will make it successful

[@mariacolaco6218]

Yes she is indeed very down to Earth,so easy to connect ,listen to her you will get a gem in all.God cont to Bless you Ester

[@barcelona12ist]

me instinctly getting pen and paper ready and writing everything down that Ester Perel is sharing with us. for me it's like a free therapy session. i would love to have this woman as my mentor, and i know it wouldn't be an easy ride but very transformative and enriching. thank you Lewis for inviting her over and over again 🙏

[@bridpentony]

Discussions with Esther are simply the best....!

[@carmendias6874]

Bad things happens because we only value the good because we have known the bad. This is how humans work. And sometimes we only value something when we lost it, it gives us perspective. Much love.

[@MuliSunce]

This was one of the greatest interviews i've ever heard! Esther is full of meaningful advice. Her Truths are on point 👍

[@cockyandfunny]

I admire this woman!

[@irakorez85]

Love her point of view. Just through listening to her ted talk I've realized a lot about myself and my partner.. and everything makes sense. Thank you for the insight

[@tanyaostrovsky8896]

Esther is a gift to humanity

[@smartanajones4u]

OMG this is soooooooo good that I’m about to cry 😢!!!!! So grateful this showed up in my feed. I know the universe sent this to me in this moment in time.

[@barbaramorrison1363]

You reach a point in your life where you are Greatful

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

She has stunning oratory skills. And that makes me wonder with agonizing curiosity what her first language is. My guess is French, but I could be wrong...Anyway, she expresses her thoughts in a splendid way. She surely knows the art of a word.

[@laurespitzner6321]

French

[@Misslotusification]

French, she's Belgian French talking.

[@olenazhylinkova1083]

I see Esther - I click :) love this interview, it is such a great continuation of the previous one. Lewis is such a thoughtful interviewer and is so respectful to all his guests. Thank you so much for this! It made my day.

[@ThatBearHasMoxie]

I feel so validated by this. I've been saying this for years.

[@CoutureButcher]

lewis is such a genuine person

[@tiffanyvandemark6968]

“I want to be remembered with a smile😊” thank you for this podcast so much amazing content !

[@christianpulisic7784]

Tiffany Vandemark,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@evrildindial8841]

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to hear Esther. Everything she says helps me to understand better my experiences, relationship problems and what I should do or even think to improve how I live.

[@LanaNoHandle]

She is phenomenal

[@LoveMoneySecretsTV]

I love what she says which is so true, that the quality of your life is defined by the quality of your relationships. So true, and no one ever comes to the end of their life wishing they worked more, they wish they spent more time with loved ones. Beautiful

[@veronicacastro1581]

Wow, this conversation took me from a very deep pit of pain to a level head very rapidly. Even for a moment of relief, I cannot thank you enough.

[@michaelvladislav6534]

Yes veronica , ...listening to Esthers advice was very helpful to me , especially after my experience of a marriage divorce few years ago.

[@michaelvladislav6534]

Are you married or divorced ?