The 6 SECRETS To Build SEXUAL DESIRE In A RELATIONSHIP Revealed | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes

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Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views, and she travels the world to speak about love, sex, intimacy, and infidelity. She is the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? in which she conducts therapy sessions with real couples.
Recently Esther just came out with a new podcast called How’s Work?. In this podcast, Esther addresses workplace relationships, conflicts, and business negotiations via therapy sessions with coworkers and colleagues. How’s Work? is available on Spotify and wherever you get your podcasts!
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[@lizfrancis6202]

"Give each other space, people have different friends, different passions and interests" this is a major one for me, being overly intertwined makes me feel like I'm losing myself or suffocated.

[@freedom7146]

Amen! I feel the same way. Now I am a widow after 21yrs and married only one time. I will not marry again, the connection was too tight.

[@starlightstarbrightlove1457]

Yes

[@tefolinchwe2314]

Wow! THIS......💙💙❤❤❤ 100%

[@GuAnez]

@@freedom7146 to tight?

[@awttrans]

Given that I realized a few things from a circumstance appearing when discussing with some friends I decided to post this wonderful book; listen to it; may save your marriage 💑 The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman Which one is your primary language? What about your Spouse's? Words of Afirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch kzbin.info/www/bejne/qn_Uhp5oisiogKs

[@ReganHillyerCoach]

Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it.

[@nimalsusantha7921]

Though true, some allow sex to happen solely for a selfish gain, prime example is prostitution whether it happens on the road or hidden place, or committed by a prestigious person.

[@es4666]

Nimal Susantha not that I condone prostitution but sometimes it is the only way a person can have intimacy or physical closeness with someone. Sometimes for men it is a form of human connection

[@-MaryPoppins-]

ES no that’s very true, and very sad.

[@ericaschemeyer827]

Amazing insight….so in tune.😊

[@Jannirae]

As she tries to explain so beautifully - the Most real relationship we are in is the one with our self. When that one is acceptance then we share a whole person not driven by needs but more sure of their wants. Their identity was clear to themselves and another person didn’t take it or add to them. They were not a victim or filled with expectations that another person could fill. She is fantastic - very rare wisdom at all levels!

[@marengo3744]

pp

[@najaziz08]

I have never heard so much sense being spoken about modern day society & relationships

[@loveandhappiness1111]

This woman is BEYOND BRILLIANT!

[@erzsebethautau3089]

Yes SHE did!💖

[@zelma5380]

Omg! My jaw dropped many times. Several parts I thought that my relationship is doomed and then there’s hope and encouraged. I plan to watch this again with a note pad. Thank you for this video.

[@lewishowes]

Glad this was helpful for you🧡

[@shelaebuang6197]

I love her. Her head is in it. I love the fact that we make a choice. And if we choose to always want to checkout other people other than the one we have already chosen, we are choosing to hurt that person. That means we are inconsiderate, not caring, etc about the other person, and that stems from the vacuum inside we experience inside us. Until we fix that which is lacking inside us, we run a risk of chronic discontent. She says monogamy is a practice or self regulated conduct. We can do it depending on how self aware we are, unless we are on default or are driven by unconscious impulses, we can choose “ to follow just one rabbit down a particular hole and work through the disadvantages that come with the rabbit we chose to follow and that particular hole, as well as appreciate the adventure’s adventures “, as one author puts it. So we are expected by ourselves not to get out when it gets boring, but to seek out spices and make it savory, especially if we can expect ourselves to think of going out to seek excitement outside. The amount of energy we use building the cheating space, we could apply in reviving the relationship we already have. Unless there is something else, another agenda in the background for cheating or leaving

[@lewishowes]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Appreciate it! 🧡

[@salihahalitim104]

Absolutely true. Very thoughtful.

[@Captivate_Life]

This interview was nothing short of inspiring and highly interesting. Great job Lewis and Esther!!!

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, that was my marriage after some years. And, he actually said we're married I don't need to do that anymore. Indifference, Contempt, Aggression. So Painful.

[@laneewert]

"We are very resourceful at not owning our shit..." 👌👌

[@sedgwickmcalaster7785]

My parents saw people lynched and other unspeakable Acts and maintain their love for each other

[@johnfaulk7775]

Thank you Esther, you are an amazing woman! The information you shared is so valuable to me after becoming disillusioned with my marriage. Now I see that I was dissatisfied with my own behavior towards my wife, and that caused her to pull away from intimacy.

[@hirschiegirl]

She is so insightful and wise! 😊

[@magichappenswithyou]

Love these new rearranged videos that bring forth the key message of the expert, especially in such uncertain times we are currently experiencing. You did something similar with Matthew Hussey. Keep the videos coming, as they are valuable, to the point. Much appreciated for re-creating, editing and re-uploading these gems of wisdom.

[@williammay8413]

She hit the nail on the head with this

[@ruthbiafora5443]

Between Ester Perel and Dr. John Gray, the two have given us tools for happy and fulfilled relationships ❤️❤️❤️

[@allwellandgood8547]

Wow Lewis I think this one has opened my mind up even more than any of your other interviews! Mind blown. Thank you so much, this has helped me greatly!

[@bookeaterintube]

I felt the same, like gospel revealed!

[@sargonmalek5579]

Ester is just at another level!!!! Amazing perspective! 👏🏻

[@touchworld77]

Love this.. She has voice out all my perspective

[@somekindofhuman4959]

I could listen to her for days

[@melittaramsey4705]

Outstanding!!! Every couple needs to listen and practice what is been talked about here. Thank you🙏🏼

[@lewishowes]

Thank you! I would love it if you could leave a review on Apple or Spotify sharing your thoughts on this episode. 🙏

[@collet214]

the meeting during the day, varied times, the effort and placement of relationships to keep quality time interest

[@memoirsofafarmerboy]

S. acred E. nergy X. change

[@hawa7984]

I’ve definitely used the term “return on investments” when questioning how worth it, it was for me to continue in this relationship. After him having a very lengthy affair, during which he actively pushed me away, and I started to started to understand him better and change. The affair ended in between 2 dui’s, to where me & our young children were left taking care of him as he continued to drink. We had a few sober years followed by a few more years of drinking and all the emotional abuse that came again with that. We’re still together, I can’t say we’re stronger yet, but I’m in a place of acceptance. And I now look at the past as things WE went through as opposed to I went through, therefore I also see it as a hopeful return we can both enjoy, regardless of whose investments flourished what.

[@Pepelka33]

I just love your explanations. Thank you!

[@lewishowes]

❤️

[@timmygrace1]

Did you ever hear the expression from a married man, nothing is ever good enough. Sexual starved then accused of cheating. You get so depressed a break up seems such a good decision. No one wants to be a doormat. I will say she made some great points, we must never become Complacent and expect disire.

[@morandi78]

I loved it! How we repair disappointments minute by minute is the success of the relationship

[@lewishowes]

💛

[@marvday2020]

This lady is amazing

[@roumaissakhair5548]

Thank you ❤️

[@jolenecarley3154]

Amazing! I love this woman! Have been watching her "letters from Ester Perel" during these crazy time's shes helped me alot.

[@meetdebmita]

Yaa showing up the effort is very important.

[@missaboukhalfa5442]

Thank you😊🌹

[@ginnygaweda9333]

Love This!

[@oliviatriana6626]

Great advise!

[@MsSheilaC]

I’m only a half an hour in and what I’m hearing in general is always bring your best self to the table. take care of yourself, and like yourself. heal yourself because you will be a better person happier and you will bring a better person to your relationship. be the person you want to be with in general. have self-respect and self love. And you will be inspired and inclined to do this for your partner as well.

[@Yararar]

Wow she’s so insightful, loved it

[@lewishowes]

She really is. Thanks for tuning in, Yara!

[@joansouels4152]

Brilliant. On point i really gained a new perspective.

[@lewishowes]

👍

[@fharag5150]

Yo make quarantine time amazing with all amazing content you share

[@jensanges]

Hey guy Why do I feel like you are the epitome of all Esthel brings up in every conversation?

[@kerriesmith9119]

Wow, wow, wow, thank you so much! ❤️

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@karindeleon8278]

Eye opening. Thanks!

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome, thank you for being here 🧡

[@tomasr64]

I am closing down desires since my 4 year effort of finding a new relationship is not developing in my current life. Four noble truths. Funny how the algorithm of the morning brought this video to the top of my feed. Laughing at the universe! Love to Esther for helping the world!

[@valerieknapp3968]

Am.63 divorced n seeking to remarry a high value younger man for love companionship n sex I don't have kids but love them all am an olympian business owner college graduate ur doing great work louis

[@valerieknapp3968]

I am.dating a 51 yrs old

[@valerieknapp3968]

Orthopedic surgeon fun fun fun

[@nadiacalembe1546]

The idea of an identity economy when it comes to work I believe is such a western thing, and it became very apparent to me when thinking of when I was first learning English and not understanding why people mostly answered the question "Who are you?" with their profession. It might feel odd and dispassionate to most western, northern cultures to see a job as a means to an end but it honestly gives your a freedom from it. Not every decision regarding your work has to be a monumental, life altering change to your sense of self, because is just that. I still love what I do, but if I lost the ability to do it, I would not feel any less myself for it.

[@NFTeve]

Especially for women, We were brainwashed into working outside and then coming home to work and spending 2 hours looking good and take care of babies (or just never have babies). We are totally lost!!!

[@RI-pb6vg]

Nadia this is such an interesting perspective about the question “who are you”! I’m very curious now, as someone with a different view of the world, how do people from your community usually answer the question “who are you?”

[@nadiacalembe1546]

@@RI-pb6vg In my language (Portuguese) questions of who you are, are usually answered with adjectives that describe you. Stuff like, determined, stubborn, etc. But as more and more people learn English, this notion of answering with your professional title is starting to permeate our culture as well. Language is such a great and interesting thing. Like in Spanish and Portuguese we have "ser" and "estar" which describe different states of being, but in English is just "to be".

[@sharonwilliamspristineskincare]

it's called Freedom. We moved away from the traditions. It's very hard when you are sort of old school. I miss having a relationship with a loving man.

[@ritzcarlson]

Love Esther! Great talk. Silly question perhaps but who makes the stainless mug on the table?

[@stephaniefortney22]

…”ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT”……Definitely resonates, Thank you both so much for sharing this talk with us……great truth and wisdom, priceless, very Grateful🌸🙏

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡

[@amandaazevedo2669]

Holly shit!!!! So many good insights....

[@ottie555]

Hi Lewis Firstly, thank you for your work - big fan. I adore Esther, and love this video. As it’s cut from 2 separate interviews, could you please tell me where I can find the full interview of her in the orange shirt (I found the full interview of her in black)?

[@lewishowes]

Here's the link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/lXyui5l8nLSFkLM

[@curbsideseat9794]

(I'm sure it has been covered), but we have access to so much so quickly that there is NO NEED for commitment or loyalty to anything we never valued. EVERYTHING is subject to our throw away culture. It's not cute, big enough, shiny enough, or desired by the masses (likes👍🏾)I want a new one; of whatever it is. Lost regard for quality, longevity in what truly matters or is valued in relationships w/people.

[@Smokillo]

ugh this is so true and so sad :/ it’s social media…the dark side of it

[@coretaclark3104]

Family 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦is MY PASSION

[@coretaclark3104]

MY OWN Might I ADD☝

[@abduleh9926]

Please provide time stamps?

[@tiffanycrystalclear]

She is the gem 💎 Esther perel

[@saintmarybulicek567]

I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app [phone] or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together . it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger...

[@createnewlife4us]

Jeepers this conversation is so enlightening to me right now. Thanks from bottom of my heart

[@aynayn6411]

Christian relationships is better as partners put the Truth as center or utmost priority. Jesus, the Word of God says He is the Truth. Relativism is a lie from the proud adversarial Enemy of God. Truth sets you free from lies & bondage.

[@MsSheilaC]

Her questions at 1:34 😳😔🥺 powerful

[@zoagiven473]

She is amazing!

[@cleopatra5341]

Merci 🙏🏽

[@AndreaDavies-pt9tg]

Thanks

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡

[@diegodiascamilo9418]

1:07:00 the next 4 min changed my present day.

[@philosophicalmonkachu7711]

Biggest killer of relationship...1:07:00 thanks for sharing the time stamp...... appreciate it........when she says _"i cant say"__i think she meant" instead of saying."...

[@meetdebmita]

See self that you are truly ready for a relation or not . Move ahead with clarity. Not to be immature that we take initiative and go back that's kiddish.

[@jonathanedward5062]

Seeing sex as pleasure is dangerous, as sex is so much more profound, where both partners give eachother completely. Best to do it within marriage, where, if taken seriously, no one can walk away.

[@judyperri9496]

You think no one walks away from sex in marriage You are very naive My relationship with the man I’m with is more fulfilling than 10 years of marriage People should keep their experience of marriage to themselves To think that they all are fulfilling just tells the world how ignorant you are

[@NFTeve]

Let's come back in 10 years and we will see no one has a clue!!! we are lost as a society in terms of relationships, babies, love and work. We must dig deep...and hope

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@oliverkhoo]

Which one is better, with or without headphone?

[@meetdebmita]

Relation is not so tough. Keep simple well sighted philosophies . A pure relation l is not matter of negotiation. It's not business 💕

[@MikeBarron1]

A large part of building rapport is making people feel you’re in sync with their thoughts, feelings and even body movements 🤘👫

[@jwgreen80]

54:19 nail it!

[@romaneros4583]

Yep

[@user-nf6bw9zm8d]

34:28 longing ；1:20:00 love story; life story; not just feelings, values, actions, 1:20:00 1:25:00 values, a cluster of things of system of importance of meanings, (children, outlook on life, vision, own home, economic achievement, extended family live with, live more than one place, money, feelings, emotions, money, religious beliefs, attitudes towards life) 1:27:57 beliefs, aspiration, longing, values behind, then you get a sense of the value.

[@starlightstarbrightlove1457]

But in a way, it's good that changes happen. Women have more independence and it's better for our health. No longer tolerating any kind of abuse... Although there are still many abusive relationships, I can say that I feel more women are getting out of those kinds of relationships today compared to the past where everything was structured and tight. Freedom is so essential in my opinion. Think about a world where there wouldn't be any suffering.... That would be pure heaven..

[@-MaryPoppins-]

I don’t want to have sex because I love you. I don’t associate sex with that undying type of love. But then again I’m not one for spewing emotions everywhere because it grosses me out so I’m sure I’m not the norm out there 😂

[@-MaryPoppins-]

Cindy Lou thank god 😂 I feel like my love is more of the maternal undying type. I don’t show love by cuddling or having sex. I show it by keeping you in my life and taking care of things for you. I don’t understand the whole “two souls connecting” thing either. I’m not giving anyone a piece of my soul when I’m getting railed 💀

[@gutkarina]

Is she the judge from caso cerrado? ☺️🤣

[@gailcrowe727]

Well, I’m an old widow now, I’m glad I don’t have to bother about all this stuff any more.😁

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@daleval2182]

But you watched ? , I'm a hands on man , you'll never feel

[@deniszubovic7516]

My main takeaway: "Caretaking is very powerful experience in love and very powerful anti-aphrodisiac"

[@karenholtzclaw3135]

😊

[@Unit68]

10 minutes in and I'm pretty sure relationships are basically a mistake if you want to stay sane.

[@SaystheTruth3]

Agree!

[@MsSheilaC]

Im not in one currently, and the more I heal fr the traumas the happier I am. Im not sure I want to give that freedom up just to be w someone again.

[@sharonnahabwe6483]

👍

[@daleval2182]

She said find other people to be intimate 😅ouch

[@smish2931]

Irl there's disease, loss, stress not just related to relationships but at an individual level also. So just stick to what you have, keep the standard of the society intact. Pass on some nice values to kids.

[@khanhhoa8655]

🥰

[@MrPhonemoto]

Too many information about the causes (I already knew them) and no real solutions. Also her book (mating in captivity) it's very general.

[@mtwata]

I've never heard "I turned myself on" or "I turned myself off". It's actually the opposite haha I always hear " what turns me on"

[@gab31282]

So basically... there is no basic simple way to successfully get your needs met in marriage without going through a specific set of complex doors in a specific way to get what's behind the door, but the path through the door and what is behind each door can change at any moment. No wonder marriage is so tiring and draining. It's hit and miss, mostly misses. At least that 's how it feels from my perspective, as a man.

[@Aveeguides]

Any relationship that is more than a contract will have fracture and mending, cycles and seasons, and change over time. It’s so obvious that there is no simple way to get your needs met, that even suggesting there being some simpler possibility seems silly. What are your needs? Why do you think they aren’t being met? Are they needs or are they wants? How have you voiced those needs? What has your partner done for you? What is your partner doing for you? What should your partner do for you? What does your partner already want to do for you? Those are all very different questions. You need to be able to answer all of them, and more, just to start the conversation. It isn’t simple because people aren’t simple.

[@CrashUK28]

Some times the person you with is not a nice person.

[@HackPr00f]

what if the one want children and the other dont want? break or stay together?

[@-MaryPoppins-]

Break up. Even if the other partner ends up giving in, you risk a parent who regrets their child, and a partner who has emotionally detached from you because of the resentment. If you’re not meeting eye to eye on such a if issue, you aren’t meant to be hun❤️

[@sharni888]

Sem xD this sort of crucial issues MUST be discussed n agreed upon BEFORE the wedding. If you can't make a fair decision, don't marry that person. Just live together as couples or marry a person who goes along with your wave length. Love or kid? 😅😅😅

[@Gigi_J.]

Break up

[@sharni888]

@@Gigi_J. irresponsible👎🙄. Prevention is better than cure. Discuss crucial issues before committing to each other. If you can breakup for every thing, then where's the value of your love? Love is very precious. You can't just go around loving anyone. No wonder many divorces nowadays. Value yourself n don't hurt your soul. Think before you do anything, once decided, go all way out to preserve it. That's principled life. Otherwise its called 1 nite stand.

[@Gigi_J.]

shiny dev I must say it makes sense what you say. But if the person didn’t do the proper job to discuss crucial issues before committing and found himself/herself in the situation where they disagree on important issues, then in my opinion it is better to leave than expect that the other person will change his/her mind.

[@user-qn7py8lt4q]

Please discuss..Can men have platonic relationships with woman??.Esther talks about your partner can't be EVERYTHING to you..BUT what if you open a door to an affair????

[@gab31282]

I am a man and have had several platonic friendships with single women that I consider good friends. These are women that were good friends of mine from my single days. My wife knows who they are and they know my wife. My wife completely trusts me when I talk to them. It's never crossed my mind to have an affair with any of them because, indeed, it's just friendship. I don't talk to them often, but when I do there is no malice. However, if they once they marry I am careful about the context of when and how I talk to them because I don't want their husband to think I want something romantic with their wife.

[@russpeaknuckel9525]

Save yourself from the pain, stay single !

[@xandrakxandra1669]

You are soooo cute LH !!!!

[@daleval2182]

Her husband knows she is beautiful😂 not cute

[@LorenzoW-ez9ln]

Wow, I didn't realize that Merle updated his favorite way to make her explode in pure bliss, it’s amazingly satisfying. Although what he suggested before was fairly good, it doesn’t even compare, I did it go’ogling Merle Winestol, and she just can’t have enough now.

[@Chery869]

Why the videos gotta be so long....?

[@Briae]

Podcast episodes that are repurposed for KZbin or Vice versa 🙌

[@williamdegnan4718]

They are aimed at people who have an attention span.

[@CorporateQueen]

@@williamdegnan4718 😂🙏♥️

[@pritinthecity]

Exactly it’s almost like an audiobook/real life conversation

[@TereseLeigh]

William Degnan 😂 That’s hilarious, William.

[@sharni888]

Is she a relationship EXPERT? May viewers know her relationship status? Is STILL married to the same man since day 1 till NOW?

[@Tof235]

Yes, and yes and yes. As far as I know.

[@lovejoywellnessmassage8915]

Was going to say the same. I see no ring. Still good advice, some resonates with me

[@Briae]

Her last name isn't Hollis so I think we're good.

[@sharni888]

@@Tof235 wowwww, if she's still married to the SAME man, all my respect to her n her husband👍👏👏💝. Something that we dont normally see many nowadays, especially in the western world.

[@77alm]

Yes, she’s still in the same relationship. She says in another talk about how we will have many relationships in our lifetime, sometimes with the same partner. She’s had “multiple relationships” with her husband. Meaning they’ve had to redefine/restructure their relationship to adapt to important milestones/changes in their lives.

[@janiece8439]

Marriage isn’t about “how do I get” it is about “what do you need” BOTH of you

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@jorge-7121]

I could answer the million dollars question before she said it. It is because feminism. Contemporary feminism denies gender differences which support different roles and order in a relationship. All of this has been destroyed by contemporary feminism and that affects relationships. Look at couples from the 1950s, they seemed very happy and most of them lasted until elder.

[@judyperri9496]

Yeah right They weren’t content They were stuck Had no options You are an example of what no woman with a brain wants

[@janicestadtmuller4677]

If you were a woman who has been discriminated against; abused, can’t work because you are pregnant, can’t vote and have a say in your community, have to stay at home and not pursue your interests, etc you have no idea since you haven’t walked in a woman’s heels!

[@jorge-7121]

@@janicestadtmuller4677 ​ @Janice Stadtmuller 1) You have no idea either, because thats not your experience unless you live in Afganistan or Saudi Arabia 2) Thats a false narrative made up very recently by ideological feminis with no base in science. 3) There are books that explain how the 50s in Western countries, when women stayed at home, and they didnt need to work , which was a privilege, (while having equal legal rights) was the best time for females in all human history... 4) The decline of western societies started in the 60s along with all those false idiological narratives that you are just repeating uncritically. 5) Now it is a just a fact and a matter of time that western societies are disintegrating ,(divorces, fatherless children, suicides, opiods, depression, crimes, homeless, poverty) it is irreversible now.

[@MsSheilaC]

@@jorge-7121 but women didnt have equal rights until the 70’s, thanks a lot to what you call feminism. She couldnt get credit or own much wthout co-sign of a man usually a husband. I personally appreciate the gender roles that you speak of in relationships, and I do think men and women bring different strengths to a union, but I am also happy for the freedoms feminism has brought for girls and women.

[@jorge-7121]

@@MsSheilaC you seem a very reasonable person. I dont have a car in the US because I can not have a credit in US without a co-signer because my salary was too low as an international student. So, for good reasons banks dont give me credit. Be carefull with feminist rewriting history. They intentionally leave aside all the progress and colaboration made by men and women together (when the man was in a bad situation the wife was in a bad situation, when he was in a good situation she was in a good situation) since homo sapiens invented gender roles. All feminists writings in past history were made by people with resentment because of personal suffering but they were the exception not the norm. And they forget to tell how many women were in a privileged position staying at home. Today 67% american women wish they coud stay home but they can not.