Tips for Making Family Visits Better For Everyone Involved

At some time during a child's time in foster care, he or she will most likely have family visits, which are court-ordered times for the child to reunite with his or her family for a few hours or even a few days as part of the reunification process. Your job as a foster parent is to help make those visits as positive as possible for everyone involved - the children as well as the birth family. Here are a few tips based on my experience to help make family visits a more positive experience.
Have you been a foster child in care, a foster parent, or a birth parent who has experienced the positive and the negative aspects of family visits? What tips would you share? Please leave your comments, questions, or suggestions below. And thanks for watching!

[@WhimsyEveryday]

I love the journal idea! I am totally going to use this. Thanks!

[@afosteredlife]

Kelly Mullins Thanks Kelly! I'm so glad to hear it!

[@tiffanyscherbing3385]

I just found your videos so I'm going through chronologically, but I can already tell there will be so much I will learn from you! We are in NC, have finished our training, paperwork and home visits and are waiting for our license to be approved. I'm doing everything I can to prepare ourselves for the unexpected...which is actually quite a challenge! I love your bright and cheery attitude and your positivity is absolutely refreshing!

[@jfree203]

all of your suggestions were right on. I wish I had known about them before we struggled through visits with our first placement. I wish more practical things like this are included in the mandatory training we all go through.

[@marioquintero7241]

I facilitate visits. Thank you kindly for your video; it helped me to understand a few things. I appreciate what you do 😊

[@afosteredlife]

Thanks for watching!

[@dearred2923]

Thank you for the advice. Thank you for being a foster mom. 👍😊

[@afosteredlife]

My pleasure!

[@pioneeringconnectionsllc7211]

Great tips!

[@heaven7in]

I'm starting my foster care next year and i'm always looking for great ideas to help out. These are great ideas and i'm looking forward to using them. Thank you

[@afosteredlife]

+brandon moser I hope they help! You're so very welcome, and best wishes on your foster care journey!

[@linbron2018]

just this video, awesome tips. Thank you, I'm turning my office into a kid room, getting it ready. watching you on you tube, my new channel. you got a great speaking voice, an seem so friendly. thank again Mrs. B

[@afosteredlife]

Thanks so much. I did the same thing -- my office became a bedroom for two children :) Hope your licensing process goes smoothly. Bless you!

[@christineransom484]

You have a beautiful soul.

[@inaramat]

Thank u so much

[@afosteredlife]

You're so very welcome! I'm glad this was helpful in some way!

[@linbron2018]

sorry Just saw this video. lol I just read what i wrote. Awesome Tips.

[@maryallen3259]

the family gets PRIORITY!!!

[@whatsactuallygoingon5986]

Mary Allen nah

[@linbron2018]

There should be a time limit for BIo to come, Agency gives 20 mins and DCFS give 15 min grace period. It all depend on who you are with but A child should never wait 30 mins that’s just not fair to FP or the child. Having an active back pack or things for the child to do is crucial. They are way from most of there toys that they had to leave behind. Now , they have toys that they play with at FP Home and it’s their so I️ let them bring what they want to play with, it give them some control of the situation .

[@karenricks5630]

Plz come back

[@karenricks5630]

We need u

[@pattyday8785]

How do you deal with parents who are still "living the life" or using drugs and are unreasonable? Can you refuse to see the mom/dad?

[@afosteredlife]

+Patty Day Absolutely, you do not have to see the parents, and if they are hostile toward you, it's probably best that you let the case worker or visitation supervisor handle everything. Foster parents never need to be identified to parents-that is something you would do voluntarily. For us, it worked well, because we were able to develop a good connection. We did not have to deal with hostility. But I know of many other cases were that is not possible. That said, I would still do the journal and just stay positive in whatever you write. Even if you are met with hostility on the page, YOU be positive and kind and generous. Try to be empathetic-addiction is a horrible monster that turns otherwise decent people into something they don't want to be. If they are still "living the life," the case worker or visitation supervisor is responsible for making sure they don't have a visit if they show up high or act belligerent. When you become a foster parent, you are wading into some messy waters. It gets icky sometimes. But it's such important work, and if you can do it with grace and mercy and kindness, you will bring some light to what can often be a very dark place. Thanks for watching and commenting!

[@pattyday8785]

Thank you! I'm so new to this and our first foster was really tough.

[@afosteredlife]

+Patty Day I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes, some scenarios are particularly challenging. But I hope you'll be able to stick with it for the sake of the kids! And good job doing it in the first place!

[@TheMeganshaul]

I think allowing the pain to happen is more important. We are not Santa clause, being a foster parent means to be there through the bad times and to allow them to be real.

[@alibentz8692]

I have a question, our DHS told us they try not to let foster parents and bio parents interact. (I guess there is a high rate of things going really sideways.) I want to be super supportive of our kiddos family but we don’t see them. I was thinking about taking pictures and sending them with him? Maybe some cookies that we baked together for them?

[@afosteredlife]

That is really unfortunate that your agency discouraged foster parents to interact with kids’ parents. With very rare exceptions, our experiences have all been positive. And foster parents can play a really crucial role in helping to support families towards reunification. That said, there are definitely ways you can be supportive from a distance. Sending pictures is certainly one way! Also keeping a journal back-and-forth with visits is another. I get a Journal with a little luck and give one key to the mom and keep one for myself. The journal goes back-and-forth in the visit bag or diaper bag. I share tidbits about school, sports activities, diet, illness, things the child says, etc. I have even suggested things they might ask a child about, for example, so-and-so had a Valentine’s Day party at school and they really enjoyed it. You should ask them about it! Sending cookies you baked together can also be a great thing, or having the child bring flowers to his mom for Mother’s Day or making a card or just coloring a picture. Anything that helps the parents feel connected to the child is so important! Of course, there will be times when it will not make any difference. But I encourage people to at least try!

[@alibentz8692]

A Fostered Life how do you help support your foster child when the parents blame everyone and take no responsibility? What are you supposed to do when they keep promising that the children will go home the next visit?

[@afosteredlife]

That is a tough one. I think I would do as much as I could to maintain a positive, yet honest, approach. Depending on the child's age, my response might be something like, "I know your mom and dad really, really *wish* you could come home at the next visit, because they miss you soooooo much. Unfortunately, that isn't how it works. Your mom and dad have a lot of work they have to do before you get to go back home with them. And I'm really sorry, but you probably will not be able to go home on the next visit. I know this is really hard and really confusing, and I wish you didn't have to have this experience. But even though I know you would rather be with them right now, I want you to know that we love you and really care about you, and for as long as you're living in our home, you are part of our family, too! You're part of your own family, with your mom and dad (and whomever else), but you're also part of our family too! You have so many people who love you!" The fact is that words are not going to take away the pain, confusion, frustration, and anger your child is likely experiencing. But it can be a balm. And whatever the case, it is always good to reiterate to your foster child that they are loved and cared for, even when they don't seem to believe it or want to hear it. The message gets through! You want to always be careful to never paint their parents in a bad light. No matter what they have done -- even if the child himself is angry at his parents and says bad things about them -- you need to stay positive. Find something positive to say. Children need to know their parents love them, even if they can't ultimately take care of them. It does no good whatsoever to badmouth a foster child's parent -- to him or to anyone else. That is not your place as a foster parent. Your roles is to be supportive and encouraging to all involved. Which can sometimes be *really, really* HARD.

[@derrikamayers3091]

i will get a journal and get it back and fourth write to the foster parents and let them write back to me and i will do the activitiv box to let them play with their parents and write to them how sorry for the tough time you are in right now and write to them if their want to for their child birthday party and i give them pitures and video of their new millstone