Tom Segura's Advice For Serial Killers - 2 Bears, 1 Cave Highlight

[@hinkie07]

My favorite thing about this conversation is Bert is reaching into his imagination while Tom is reaching into his memory.

[@Devineservent17]

Hahahahahha

[@thomasconnell1556]

My favorite part is realizing sometimes people facepalm in the most violent way when trying to be funny.

[@TheBigshot19]

4:02

[@T25de]

1:11

[@UnnecessaryComment.]

Murder becomes routine when you do it enough

[@OhThatsLionHeart]

Bert, “I’ve never had the urge to break into someone’s house and kill someone” Tom, “yea.”

[@T25de]

Tom has thought ending Bert… twice a dsyv

[@DekkarJr]

@@T25de Burt's doing a fine job of ending himself lopl

[@evantrizonis5366]

Bert “im not gonna kill a 6” Tom “yea.”

[@mazozosibaya80]

😐😐😐

[@jeskaaable]

I was expecting a ".. me neither" which never came 🤣

[@QueyBan]

Always cool to see someone talk about something they have so much love and passion for.

[@openyoursheeple748]

Hell its just nice to see Tom get to talk for more than 5 minutes at a time without being washed away by Bert's Tsunami of talking

[@r.edward5701]

like a young Albert Fish

[@discgolfinrude]

@@openyoursheeple748I don't understand why people can't comprehend the showcase is for Bert. If you tune in for segura, You're watching the wrong podcast

[@openyoursheeple748]

@@discgolfinrude I watched ymh, but if what your saying is the case, then why is Tom even on the show plus its called TWO BEARS, meaning there is two people having a conversation, and in order to have a conversation you need two people or more to do that with. If you only have one loud mouth bastard who never allows the other to speak that is not a conversation its a speech, and honestly Bert is not all that interesting to listen to. He is literally always talking about drinking its like ok cool a fat old dude talking about beer is not all that interesting however Tom is actually interesting to listen to because he knows how to actually have a conversation you know like a normal adult. Bert will go on for like 20 mins straight and never allow any interjection and as a listener that shit is fucking annoying after a while, but hey that's my personal opinion and I couldn't really give two shits about yours know what I mean man

[@DaveyFish1]

@@discgolfinrude not sure you’re right on that lol

[@jtreinen762]

This conversation is going to sound very different being read in monotone from a court transcript.

[@Mewse1203]

Reminds me of Bill Burr's "No means No" bit.. kzbin.info/www/bejne/fYuWgnuKpbKNnbM

[@Anna-ic6cd]

I read that right before very said “there’s no way this is 100 calories”

[@DesertCamoGaming]

@@Anna-ic6cd 💀

[@MysteryStew5977]

It's funny because as time goes on he really, really might be one

[@tompelach4842]

Check Tom’s tour dates and locations against missing persons reports in those areas over the last 5 years… I’m guessing there will be a correlation

[@wolfsden6479]

If a kill is a few miles away it will take real math to calculate it

[@okcgrows9251]

Dude check Garths tour dates

[@bmphil3400]

Like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.......

[@Belbivdevoe]

Gonna need a Cumm sample

[@Sandman27-88]

@@Belbivdevoe Check the drapes at his hotel room.

[@uno7842]

Love when we have experts on the podcast talking about their field

[@LazarusSlade]

It's "their field". Remember, they're is a contraction for "they are".

[@cgcouch]

“I’m not killing a 6, she might be able to take me” 😂😂😂😂

[@MeltedBreadGaming]

I was so dead at that hahaha, tom killed me that's why I'm dead

[@your_eulogy2688]

Then laughs about his own joke for 40 seconds lmfao

[@fshn4x4]

Vodka through my nose...still worth it.

[@texaspatriot9159]

That was fucking hilarious 🤣

[@bostonbluecollarstiff8167]

Best line in this whole video..😂🤣😭

[@zombygunslinger]

It's so sweet how Tom's eyes light up when he talks about something he truly loves.

[@DolphGurgle]

The most Tom has ever talked on this podcast has come from talking about how he’d kill someone

[@DoubleDash28]

It’s glorious

[@kielbasa.sausage]

Or himself

[@ghill217]

Bert casually putting a hit out on Bobby Lee.

[@michaeladams6847]

🤣

[@puertoricanboy100]

He's trying to not get him inside his home at all costs!!

[@StuartFuckingLittle]

Ahaha Bobby Gonna kill em with chop sticks..

[@atorrrand]

Should have been ARI

[@CommonCentrist82]

My favorite part is when Tom said he's fantasized about killing someone, then Bert said, "let's walk through it." Tom then said, "which time?" Bert didn't even notice how deranged and sinister that reply was.

[@afinkeln]

Tom didn't even say it...his purest internal ego said it. That "which time" came out so naturally, as though from his soul!

[@CommonCentrist82]

My likes are "187" right now. I kinda want it to stay that way... just seems right.

[@Screamfancast]

"Do we have a serial killer watching?" Bert, your co-host is a serial killer.

[@jayclark1551]

If you look close you can see the flicker of flashbacks in Toms eyes while Bert asks his silly rookie questions of fumbling through his first killing.

[@ojpistorius6369]

I love that Bert thinks he's so famous people would recognize him in a ski mask

[@remhawk73]

That gut is iconic

[@korganrocks3995]

@@remhawk73 Also, what other human being would show up at your house wearing a ski mask but no shirt?

[@Colicab83]

It wouldn't be a ski mask, it would be a picture of Tom with the eyes cut out and held on his face with string. Lopsided of course. Gut out and wearing a speedo. Also all of your alcohol would be gone.

[@1994Trill]

He meant a Covid mask

[@BeStupidWithIntent]

Well he would probably have his shirt off so they probably would recognize him 😂

[@apok1980]

This would make an awesome premise for an HBO show starring Tom and Bert. Where it starts out talking about this, then they actually try to do it. But they are really bad at it. And maybe they somehow meet a stone cold serial killer who knows their secret and befriends them. But Tom and Bert don’t want any part of the serial killer and decide to kill the serial killer. And throughout this show, different comedians show up as versions of theirselves.

[@mma1st105]

This is actually a pretty funny idea.

[@MM-cs2rt]

That post showed more creativity and thought then that abortion of a excuse Showtime passed off for the final season of Dexter.

[@GreasyDaddy]

I really like this a lot

[@GreasyDaddy]

But can someone else play Bert?

[@kadfriesen]

I looove the idea! But personally I think it would work best as a movie instead of a tv show.

[@AlexanderBraden1]

The look on Tom’s face when he said “of course it sounds fun!” Said it all 😂

[@gabrielswanson6145]

I was coming down to type this - this man is study

[@8balds]

“You’d have to go to Maine, Montana, all over” Garth brooks is shaking in his boots on his tour bus right now. Tommy buns is onto him

[@danieltolson5341]

I feel like I just witnessed Tom’s confession.

[@sarys73]

"That's just murder, we're serial killers!" lol

[@Void-bn8lf]

I read this as soon as they said it

[@redbeard8532]

Now we know why Tom became a comedian and tours around the country!

[@BazookaTooth707]

Wouldn't be surprised if there was a comedian out there that has killed someone

[@nelsonfitz3282]

Learned that from a fella named Vince

[@BazookaTooth707]

@@nelsonfitz3282 Vince?

[@MattCroushorn]

The most ill-advised conversation ever recorded 😂😂

[@Generichjm]

You can’t tell people how to not die from a common cold on this “platform”, not exactly a festival of Ethics.

[@Ronfost89]

Tom saying "Yeah" in response to "I've never had the urge to kill someone" at 4:03 was not the appropriate tone for someone in actual agreement

[@TrippinBusa]

you guys have conversations we had every day in the military lol. love this channel.

[@chantell209]

Military humor is the best lol

[@nunpho]

Why doesn't that surprise me

[@Generichjm]

Protip: don’t pee on the bad guys then take a selfie

[@blacknatsu6623]

Yes!

[@TrippinBusa]

@@Generichjm I understand exactly why those Marines did what they did. And like our grand parents didn't piss on dead nazis in ww2

[@ZackGoes]

Welcome to the FBI watchlist

[@pepps1943]

I have always wondered what the immediate aftermath would be. How long does the adrenaline last? Do you just panic? Then what?? Hopefully Tom's paper will touch on these topics.

[@joeburrow6087]

It’s just like a bump of blow

[@APolishPlayer]

@@joeburrow6087 you can't stop after the first???

[@joeburrow6087]

@@APolishPlayer tremendous!

[@justinh514]

its a rush at first then panic and paranoia that night.it slowly goes away after a few days.Weeks later its still kind of like a heavy cloud above you at all times just waiting to downpour.after a few months you're ready to go again.

[@maxnaz47]

Being a serial killer that has planned a meticulous course of action or a heat of the moment crime of hatred and passion? They are both very different experiences and that have very different effects...

[@aPanchoSamurai]

I see Tom smacking someone with a hammer and laughing maniacally as their eyes are falling out and they groan while Bert just freaks out as they sprawl around dying and leaves them to die off.

[@TheUnknownReject]

Someone animate this

[@joedirtjr6299]

I love when the guys in the back just bust out laughing 😂 makes it even funnier

[@MM-cs2rt]

Yeah they’re just as great as the laugh track on The Big Bang Theory.

[@John-Doe-Yo]

@@MM-cs2rt right

[@illthoro1634]

Bert laughs at simple jokes the way you would laugh at the greatest joke ever told

[@T25de]

You think his iQ breaches 99?

[@shawnsdr3406]

His stupid fake laugh

[@grandgrundle6662]

I’m sure everyone appreciates Burt’s sleep apnea wheezes into the mic

[@nunpho]

That... Only happens when you're asleep

[@_Simple_Design_]

They’ve had some wild conversations but this one took the cake. I couldn’t stop laughing

[@amelzon1]

0:57 when Tom states “It’s not like Before.” The man has lived it.

[@Th3D4ginat0r]

Christina was right in her special Tom's really into this lol.

[@onyxmoonasquad1]

Bert: I’ve never had that urge. Also Bert: I’ve got a list.

[@tictacterminator]

well, the list is incase you ever get the urge.

[@chucktraynor11]

High quality conversion right there! I could listen to that particular conversation for the rest of the week. Awesome!

[@brendans350]

“Im not killing a 6.. she might be able to take me” 😂😂😂

[@MrDuanepalmer]

this was the funniest conversation about serial killers that I've ever heard. they fukng killed it. 😂

[@coolmike3795]

You guys are on a "watch list" now. First rule of serial killing is never talk about your crimes. 😂😂😂

[@ASimoneau]

Safe to assume these two have been on a watch list for the better part of a decade.

[@A_Goat]

@@ASimoneau Bert is on the opposite of a watch list. He's on a don't watch list. He sucks and he's fatter than Tom.

[@aljones2398]

3:49 “I’ve never had the urge…I could’ve even wrap my head around…the urge to go into someone’s house and kill somebody” Tom: “yeeahhhhh…”

[@LL3Jay]

Authorities need to look into Tom’s gigs in Maine and Montana

[@SS-L.O.T.O.]

Bert would try and end up having a couple drinks and a 3 hour conversation with them and forgot why he came and leave. Would be a great episode of America's dumbest criminals.

[@beetlesinthebucket]

A criminal so dumb he forgot to commit the crime

[@streetsharks89br]

“ no that’s murder, We’re Serial killers!” -Bert 🤣

[@tylermartin776]

Tom low key describing Isreal Keyes in the beginning lmao

[@marksman5825]

Berts still trying to figure out what race to go after 😂😂

[@keriblank7162]

"The cold really helps preserve evidence so the hotter the better" lol you guys are hysterical 🤣

[@gooby1926]

Tom listened to Carlin’s advice for serial killers one to many times.

[@jkschulte3448]

I like how Tom keeps trying to dodge the question. 🤣🤣

[@benjaminrichard7741]

Bert is killing Amber Herd types for days! ☠️ 💀 💥

[@King-ci8sk]

"I'm going woman" *laughter from the rafters* *fist bump* "That's nice"

[@sierrasix5479]

Bert is Bert’s biggest fan. Bert thinks everything Bert does is hilarious.

[@sfm.viciousmane1374]

Tom actually looks like he's killed before 😂😂

[@izzob7788]

cant wait to see this as evidence in 10 years from now!

[@zodspeed]

Imao the thumbnail has a collage of serial killers with Bert included 😂😂😂

[@dwighthunkhack5397]

Love to see Tom so invested in his art

[@PaperMakersAdeludedbroad]

I will put this to the test. Thanks Tom and Bert!

[@ashuramarutempest6867]

Bert seems like the type that gets so scared and jumpy they throw up lmao

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

Lol I totally agree!!

[@Quentino808]

Bert: "Do you think a serial killer listens to the podcast?" Tom: Course I do, it's me

[@biggringus5499]

"So piecemeal together, for me, how you would kill someone" 5:01 tom more engaged than he's ever been

[@jayjones1649]

the background laughter kills me 😭

[@mcawesomest1]

Tom has thought this out while Bert is trying to ponder Tom’s vision.

[@shanethehuman_8499]

This might be my favorite convo on 2bears ever

[@tombystander]

I think the zodiac killer doing what he did is one of the most impressive things out of this "genre" of human being.

[@Excremental_Discharge]

Ted Cruz works in mysterious ways

[@mma1st105]

I found the killer

[@Beefaroni_boner]

Check out Isreal Keyes, he did pretty much everything Tom says

[@yungblod8975]

And when u actually listen to what he was saying about technology and the government he wasn't that far off from today's reality

[@fdsfsdfsd1552]

@@yungblod8975- Are you confusing the Zodiac Killer with the Unabomber?

[@Hey_Jamie]

This is the conversation I’ve desperately wanted to have with a friend my entire life. I’ve never had anyone I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to have it.

[@chrisstyles5955]

At any one time, there are between 25-50 serial killers active. I imagine theres a few that avoid patterns, and have been active for a while.

[@LazarusSlade]

Juarez City in Mexico it's a hot bed for serial killers!

[@RazPerignon]

It’s good people have hobbies

[@JamesBlanchardCisneros]

I don't know why this is the funniest thing I"ve heard in a while?!

[@JAK0E]

Somewhere out there is a detective going through and cross checking toms tour history cities + missing people lol

[@elnyoutube123]

A lot of it actually lines up. There was a great post on Reddit about it a few months ago. There's a guy doing a whole series on KZbin about it and there might be some legitimacy to it.

[@pedrogudino1133]

I had a teacher like Tom. Just loved it, man.

[@josephedwarddowling5919]

'' She is georgeous if I am gonna kill her. I am not killing a six!!!''. Nadav laughs. You know Nadav is so happy when he hears Bert is showing up.

[@dragonzuniga]

You guys rule. Gotta give it up to the JRE for turning me on to the funniest people like the 2 of you....

[@MJM17]

I’m not as sure as Tom about choosing the “big city” setting over small town. Cities have many more people to choose as victims but every town has a few people that no one would notice if they disappeared (ie, homeless bum, elderly hermit, etc.). The problem I see with cities is they’re more likely to have experienced murder investigators and much more resources at their disposal. Yes, more frequent murders means that the cops don’t have as much time to devote to any one investigation, but I think there’s still too much risk. A ton of modern cities are also covered in cameras - traffic cameras, public surveillance, private security, etc. Some places have so many cameras that they’re impossible to avoid and that provides info for the cops to work with. On the other hand, I’ve been in many small towns that have only a handful cops and essentially no outdoor camera coverage. I think there’s an argument to be made that the small town’s a better option. Am I wrong?

[@korganrocks3995]

A serial killer who just went after homeless people in different cities could probably rack up an insane kill count without getting caught. Luckily they seem to want their kills to be noticed, almost like it's the notoriety they enjoy more than the actual killing.

[@evannatland5151]

Bert being in the lineup with all the serial killers in the thumbnail is great comedy 😂

[@RobertWhite-x4h]

Comedian is a great job for a serial killer. You can say whatever you want and call it satire. Tom is basically pointing a neon light right at himself

[@elnyoutube123]

Plus he travels around the country a lot, so he's taking his own advice (at 1:10) on who to kill. Also he had a lot of shows that lined up with the murders of people in different areas all in very similar ways.

[@skatex95]

How would you kill someone? “That’s a really good question, I’ve thought about it” 😂😂😂😂

[@bilal.1513]

Spending the whole convo focusing on what race to kill is definitely a way to prove you’re not racist Brent.

[@mattjohnson91]

And never once contemplating a white person

[@mr.cantsay]

He took a test guys come one hes not racist.

[@marko7552]

"something indigenous" lmao

[@Iwontreadyourreply]

Toms looking well rested in this clip 👏🏼

[@jmantmull]

Segura had to hold back.. lol, he's probably already done it! Perfect cover, funny guy, travels.. 😒🤔

[@jooliagoolia9959]

True Crime podcasts are better by far than almost any drama on TV these days!

[@samgooding-matthews3175]

First time Bert let’s Tom talk straight to the murder how to 😂

[@amandaszymczak388]

This is one of my favorite conversations 🤣 really seeing the duality of the team here!

[@mattmecham7460]

Tom is the Rainey Street Ripper.....its all adding up....even Tom saying he would kill a guy

[@MrBankalicious]

“I’m gonna kill a 6, she might be able to take me” LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[@nickt8564]

So funny I did my senior paper on stand up comedy, not too different than Tom apparently. Also ever notice that when a comedian does well they say they “killed”. Lmao

[@wrestlingwithart]

The producer cracking up in the background was hilarious!

[@beartube9379]

I love how we all accept that Tom is a sociopath.

[@robinmcinarnay7827]

“There's a grain of truth in every joke” and, well, we've all seen Tom's standup. It also reminds me of how casually the internet refers to Shane Madej (formerly Buzzfeed Unsolved) as a demon and/or sociopath. Believers in the paranormal were dubbed Boogaras, from Ryan Bergara, while somehow Shane's team skeptic was dubbed Shaniacs. All which *kinda* makes sense..?

[@tman4534]

Lmao, hearing the work crew in the back kkkkiiilllllsssss meeee 🤣🤣

[@MacDaddyBiggins]

This is awesome… this is probably the closest we’ll get to Tom admitting he’s a serial killer before he gets caught

[@joshuawratten1521]

Feels like a drunk talk with my mates love you boys

[@jacksonbachman2486]

I feel like Bart did most of the talking on this one, which might have been Tom's plan all along.

[@robertaBooey69]

I saw in the total Tom talks about serial killers had me hooked since he is one

[@Mysticfob]

Once again Burp ruins a potential 11 min walk through of Tom's perfect plan to "get away with it" by constantly interrupting, after asking the question himself.

[@kuriinaa6969]

Tom has the same energy explaining things as Ed Kemper

[@dirbrody]

Chances are, that there’s an actual serial killer listening…

[@ridesolo846]

Hey Hitler 😎

[@machanon854]

4:00 - “I’ve never had the urge like Ted bundy to be break into their home”- Bert “yeah…” - tom thinking about it at that moment 😂🥲

[@jeremyrfk]

I would love to see a conversation like this between Tom and Glenn Howerton

[@sabu1378]

This is gonna be such a cool clip once everyone finds out Tom Segura is the gay Ladybird Lake killer.

[@afffflacccck7812]

10:15 best part of the episode Tom looks at the can after the 100 calories remark it’s so funny

[@SarahSkinnyJeans]

Lmao right?!??

[@thetruemonarch9354]

"I am the machine...The KILLING machine!" Also he works with cats.

[@kevinfrimpong969]

Taking detailed notes. Thanks Tom Segura 🙏🙏🙏

[@mad-official]

Damn. Tom's really thought about this a lot.

[@abducteeofearth1703]

Tom is like: “I’m already on a watch list so hey FBI, watch this.”

[@Tero92]

6:25 lmao imagine that, some poor woman commin home late at night, she kinda senses somethings wrong, her highheels gets stuck to the sticky floor, she touches it and smells it, and its kool aid as she realises theres somebody in her appartment