'Tough Cookie' Jeff Sessions Defends Himself Against Trump's Attacks

[@aperfectday736]

AND THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. 😂

[@Jerricola2]

Coming soon: the epic showdown between the cookie and the pumpkin.

[@jdcompas]

I’m rooting for the cookie!

[@ducheswannabe]

Pumpkin spice sessions... the next big halloween craze

[@kimjungbong6257]

Jerricola I luv cookies on momma🤣🤣Fuck my pumpkin, orange juice,/Orange now an later looking ass bruh😐

[@henrydawkins3128]

Trump is a coward he doesn't have the nerve to face Session so he text insults.

[@annnee6818]

The cookie gag will just not get old for me, I love it!!!😂😂😂

[@KingOfMadCows]

Jeff Sessions would only fight back against Trump if someone feeds him after midnight.

[@anhedonicauthor]

This genuinely made me laugh. 😂😂😂

[@Hannah-gd3kc]

stop😭😭😭

[@IamErik31]

Or maybe once someone gives him his precious.

[@fusel5883]

"You know who"? So lord voldemort?

[@sapphireseptember]

Fusel I'm glad I wasn't the only person thinking that! 😀

[@FluffyNinjaUnicorn3Gaming]

Exactly what I was thinking too! 😂

[@IShallNotSubmit]

I do declare I really love cookiesessions, good sir!

[@FaeQueenCory]

Fudgey center? THAT’S NOT JEFF SESSIONS! THAT’S AN IMPOSTER!! Everyone knows he’s 100% pure vanilla.

[@alexm.7295]

FaeQueenCory 😂😂

[@mostlygamingstuff1260]

"... and possibly 5 to 10.." haha, Colbert is awesome

[@MidnightSonnet]

Kinda disappointed Stephen didn't eat Jeff at the end. :P

[@XIII_Vanitas]

Midnight Sonnet Oh my...

[@CrescentCitySweaters]

Don’t you think he’s waiting for Jeff to be fired to eat him? Stephen’s playing the long game on this bit

[@Jimmy_Jones]

Think he decided that it takes too long.

[@cheryltariq]

Midnight Sonnet ....I think S.C prefers Oreos!!!

[@arsarma1808]

Yeah eating on set took a little too long a few weeks ago :p

[@lol.at.trolls9734]

"... and by somebody, I'm talking about 'you know who'!" Yes, we know who: *Mr. Magoo!*

[@TheReal008Zulu]

The relationship between Sessions and Trump reminds me of the abusive husband/wife relationships. The husband (Trump) physically (verbally) abuses the wife (Sessions), but she(he) sticks around because she(he) believes that if she(he) loves him enough, that he will change and be a good man.

[@robinlaurence6284]

TheReal008Zulu Or more likely, she’s scared shitless that he’ll ruin or kill her. That’s how DV works in most cases.

[@eduardovillagomez3675]

I was going to say something similar. He reminds me of one of those lifetime movies where a woman falls for a man, and slowly finds out what a monster he really is. Oh sessions, you thought you were going to live happily ever after when you endorsed trump, now look at you, on your knees with a black eye saying, “yes dear, what ever you say dear”. I’d feel bad for him if I wasn’t so busy laughing

[@vaidehiraghavan]

TheReal008Zulu, s(he) sticks around because s(he) doesn't 'recall' the past abuse he did to her/him

[@baitclicker9414]

Sessions looks much bigger on TV.

[@JohnHolt1111]

The camera adds ten calories.

[@alexm.7295]

😂😂

[@StewChicken42]

Cookies are nice. Sessions is not.

[@StewChicken42]

Just like that racist human being, too! You got it!

[@cookiemcdaniel1464]

LMAO is it bigger than a bread box😂😂

[@ninjabluefyre3815]

Is it bigger than a bread box? No? Jeff Sessions. Best part of the whole show.

[@candylover765]

Cookie Jeff Sessions is my favorite!

[@jackieroberts1489]

You are just getting better and better Colbert . Support the kids , # NeverAgain

[@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing]

Sessions: "All right, listen. The Mueller's an investigation unit: part man, part machine. Underneath, it's a hyper-legal combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled. Fully armored; very tough. But outside, it's living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood - grown for the prosecutor." Trump: "But I can just fire him." Sessions: "Pay attention! I gotta recuse myself......The Comey series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy. But these are new, they look human. Sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him." Trump: "But I'm the President!" Sessions: "Listen, and understand! That Special Prosecutor is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are indicted!" The Muellinator. It'll get ya.

[@sherizaahd]

he said, "you know who" should be looking after it. That's, of course, Lord Voldemort!

[@Jared7873]

He could be Beetlejuice!

[@lisa1162]

oddly, I'm no longer hungry for cookies.

[@LatashaTrueHeart]

This is hilarious! Did Stephen voice the chicken lawyer on Futurama? I get a kick outta that, too!

[@MarianelaIBendl]

"I don't recall Sir" .... JS

[@brucebaker810]

*Suh

[@DaveH82]

Now I want cookies.

[@bonniel4325]

What a Stephen! Gotta love him.

[@dog__backwards9547]

Did Colbert wash that cookie? because last time i saw it, it was fudgey on both sides..

[@mischarowe]

Brilliant.

[@leetraviusmckay314]

Keebler Elf vs Citrus President 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@WhysoSeriousSamual]

On the next "Anyoning orange."

[@henrydawkins3128]

Does Keebler royalty for using the cookie as a prop?

[@EveForbiddenFruit]

I wanna see Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump in a duel together.

[@chrisbade2119]

Austin Faulds With Duel of Fates in the background?

[@jabbermocky4520]

Austin Faulds: Something like AR-15s under the live oaks at dawn, perhaps?

[@ericreese7792]

There are ten things you need to know...

[@wayne9782]

I'd like to see Roseann kick the orange shit outta Trumpty Dumpty.

[@ToughDuff]

He can't duel, he's got bone spurs

[@ioanamarilena8430]

[@KF20s]

“Is it bigger than a bread box?” Wonder how many people caught that reference (What’s My Line?)

[@shaylamcgrady1048]

Posted on twitter, like a true coward. Say it to his face!

[@tamcon72]

It's possible that some patriot disconnected the Oval Office phone?

[@michaellopez272]

That was one tough little cookie 😄

[@vintagegal7376]

All Trump ever says is "things", "you know who" , "that person", "those people"....the man has the vocabulary of a 6 year old

[@rosejohnson-tsosie2552]

Out here in the Hinterlands we call that "growing a pair".

[@wmarkfish]

Why can't Jeff Sessions bring back that white chocolate stripe cookie Keebler use to make? Wait! is Sessions an elf or is he Smeagol?

[@channelforpositivitylunder9385]

Perhaps Sessions is best in cookie form :3

[@m.c.5795]

I love when Stephen says “I do declare...” 😊

[@taimatsuko]

This completely cracks me up.

[@fredygump5578]

Why do people keep quoting trump like he's a real president? He just isn't. I don't know what he is, but he isn't a president.

[@MJFAN666]

Quickly becoming my favourite segment

[@MrWarlock124]

Colbert just wanted to play with that cookie lmao

[@tolbaszy8067]

Sessions with a fudge center? Ha ha, now you have riled him!

[@boonlincoln]

Monologue Order: 1. Donald Trump Is Coming For Your Guns 2. Hope Hicks Is Way Too Good At Goodbyes (And Good Lies) 3. 'Tough Cookie' Jeff Sessions Defends Himself Against Trump's Attacks

[@mccarraa]

boonlincoln thanks

[@TheP3NGU1N]

:slow clap:

[@Khorothis]

You're a saint, thank you!

[@froggydoodle808]

You know, you could have taken this opportunity to post something truly helpful and informative, like "first"!

[@brain7267]

Sessions hit a nerve! Trump hiding something?

[@GreenDragon11]

“I’m one tough cookie “ 😂😂

[@daymoncleveland361]

Stephen Colbert is the best. LOL

[@mr.robokat7993]

It's uncanny how accurate that Keebler cookie looks like the AG.

[@RIXRADvidz]

oh gawd no, please don't bite the cookie...the bitter bitter little cookie

[@jeeither]

The Keebler elf bit kills me every time.

[@ToughDuff]

I admire standing up to Trump but if Sessions gets fired, weed might actually get legalized soon... so sorry Jeff, but I got my priorities...

[@coleenparsons4905]

Get your state to play ball first. At least Sessions is the elf we know.... one day, we'll have a NORML POTUS, a balanced budget, a thriving hemp industry (which means cleaner food and healthier people).... opportunities for everyone, a lighter tax burden.... That little frightened man gives me energy to help make this happen in Michigan. Hempcrete could be the way to save our infrastructure, too. I will refrain from preaching to the choir, JD, my kindred spirit. Have a Blue Dream-y day! Or whatever your "session" herb of choice may be.

[@spacenerd9499]

what state do you live in? WA state is raking in the dough! job creation, competitive marketing. all states should be legal.

[@laurensegars4504]

Just Duffy sorry those priorities need to wait. If sessions goes then trump could appoint a lackey who wouldn't be "recused" and could then get rid of rosenstein/mueller. As much as I can't stand sessions, him leaving would be a very bad thing for the investigation.

[@laurensegars4504]

Just Duffy oh and remember the dea/fda/whichever agency is responsible refused to even change the scheduling of marijuana under *obama* so even if sessions goes the likelihood of it being federally legalized is still slim to none.

[@uzzadazza]

Legal states will NEVER give up the tax revenue despite what Jeff says.

[@jayzenitram9621]

Damn that cookie looks delicious.

[@starcrib]

Utter Comic Genious..."i do declare". HAHAHAHAHAHA.

[@tubularap]

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?" comes from Steve Allen as panelist on the What's My Line? TV-show that ran from 1950 to 1967. Great show, almost all episodes are available on KZbin. kzbin.info

[@johnfradono1012]

It's like Diaries of a Madman with a Twist of understanding the mentally impaired.. at this point, I envy those on the Hindenburg because at least their deaths were quick.. Jared lost his privileges because he's so naive, he would trade State secrets for hair gel and trump is so unstable he makes nitroglycerin look like freakin water for God's sake..he can't even see a logical sentence he's currently speaking to the end without completely doing a 180... as JonTron once said: Lord..where are you going with this shit?..

[@ursaltydog]

Trump to his teacher: "But, but but, Johnny over there.. he ummm.. he tripped someone.. That's way worse.. I mean he's the bad kid.. I didn't do anything.. ".. umm.. yeah right.. Teacher says, while holding the shorts of Bobby that were hung up the flag pole"..

[@notsure1969]

Did they start playing an Old Dirty Bastard song at the end? If so, props to them.

[@ceikaiyiacheeksthedirector2920]

Ooo a guessing game lol

[@jimmorgan8688]

"By somebody I mean, you know who!... by you know who I mean, that person... by that person I mean what's his name!... by what's his name... "

[@MsMoviegirl99]

Jeff Sessions looks like the grandpa from Luck of the Irish. Who else sees it?

[@briestoll]

Where does he keep getting Elfudge cookies!

[@lhia0416]

I was hoping he'll eat that cookie

[@puntabachata]

Trump for PRISON 2018

[@hazard1371]

Lol omg I was dying off of a cookie..

[@samhugh4965]

Jeff Sessions as the Keebler elf: effing brilliant...my fudgy center.

[@brucebaker810]

*elfing brilliant Otherwise: correct.

[@samhugh4965]

Bruce Baker...well done! “Elfing” it is!

[@alfcab]

Cookie Sessions is the best Sessions

[@josmith1618]

trump is a bully!

[@kasnitch]

if "I do not recall" never worked when you stole cookies .... wtf

[@TunTheOfficial]

Stephen Colbert has some nice cut nails 2:17 👏

[@aaronrobertsson7725]

I don't trust anyone with flat nails like his :(

[@slashingkatie7872]

I wonder if EL Fudge cookies have seen an increase in sales because of Jeff Sessions. It’s fun to bite his head off

[@stbluwolf]

When certain parts remind you of Hamilton and Lord Voldemort

[@wintertyme]

The man bites his nails..lol

[@jabbermocky4520]

Must have been some fudge in the woodpile way back in the Dixie Pixie's lily white lineage.

[@rockstriker1622]

That fucken cookie lol

[@gwen3010]

THIS TRAIN WREAK IS STILL ROLLING!!

[@brucebaker810]

*wreck. Er... *WRECK

[@SunGawdRa]

Was that O.D.B. at the end there?

[@jessehernandez1081]

Was that "shimmy shimmy ya" by ODB at the end of monologue?

[@SOPADELICIOSA]

So is this cookie also an advertisement for that product? Feels like I've seen more and more of that sort of thing sneak into the monoloques recently. Used to be more open, no?

[@Schmidty030]

ok. does anyone know why there is distortion whenever there is movement on the screen?

[@DBMe33]

Sir Stephen has cute hands. 😁

[@gennadyreshetnikov5948]

What does "the other side" have to do with Lord Voldemort? And do they have cookies?

[@AngryKittens]

I want to eat that cookie so bad.

[@thewholetruth4192]

Trump even made fun of Session's elvin heritage.

[@russellfarris7257]

Holy shit! Is somebody editing Drumpf's Twitter? That's the first one I've seen that doesn't have Ridiculous Capitalization of All the Words.

[@bearheart2009]

I look forward to the day when Stephen will host the whole show as Jeff the cookie.

[@GeneralDurandal]

Why is the music at the end so much louder then the show?

[@aylettkish2924]

Really!

[@Marco48375]

Gotta hand it to sessions: he's his own man. He seems to be focussed on doing his job instead of pleasing trump.

[@patrickisatreestump7817]

You know who? VOLDEMORT OML VOLDEMORT

[@gerardoo.arellano990]

“You know who”. El peje?

[@OnlineHellMaster]

Is anyone else *slightly* annoyed but John's "yeeeeeeah" in he outro?

[@tenthousandquills1774]

I could totally see his lips moving. That's not really Jeff Sessions. That's actually a cookie. Fake!

[@animalia5554]

Trump is like Cersei Lannister

[@JohnHolt1111]

Oh No, you do know Cersei Lannister was the only survivor when she killed all of her enemies by blowing up the Great Sept Of Baelor...we can't let that happen. He needs to be inside the church.

[@rihseb25]

the only thing they have in common is a desire to commit incest. cercei's character is way too intelligent to compare to Trump

[@animalia5554]

I have only read the books but all I can say is that they BOTH get rid of competent people to surround themselves with yes men, and then are surprised when those yes men turn out to be incompetent and end up firing them

[@ozeppeo]

That thumbnail looked like ecstasy

[@THEdavehogue]

There's literally nothing fudgey about Jeff Sessions.

[@EastofVictoriaPark]

His writers are fans of The Simpsons. Would love me some mince, I say, mincemeat pie.

[@twinodoom]

Trump really needs some friends to talk to.

[@davidwilliams-ow4ji]

Hahahaha hahaha hahahshahaha HAHAHA hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahah 👏👏👏👏😂

[@stateoftherepublic230]

Sessions truly is a man from a bygone era. Specifically the pre-Civil War South. On another note, my channel does weekly news updates. Check it out