Toxic masculinity DOESN'T exist. Here's how I know. Adam Lane Smith Attachment Specialist

Toxic masculinity isn’t real. But how can that be true when some men are controlling, harmful, and domineering? Retired psychotherapist turned attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith explains why toxic masculinity is not to blame for evil men, and what you can do to help fight back against evil.
It’s popular to blame men for problems. In particular, it’s fashionable to demonize all men for the evils of a few who commit acts which are blatantly illegal. Evil acts which all good-hearted people hate and want to see punished with justice. So why do we blame men? The favorite phrase is “toxic masculinity,” the belief that the inherent nature of men is wrong and must be guided so men don’t become their evil version. This view is especially popular among those who embrace social engineering practices. The problem is, toxic masculinity doesn’t exist. It isn’t masculinity that makes these evil men commit evil actions. Adam cuts to the heart of the real problem and shows why evil men commit evil actions, and how it’s not from being too masculine.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
Attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith shows you why masculinity is not the problem. Then he reveals exactly what the problem really is, and how to address it to prevent future evils.
#attachment #masculinity #toxicmasculinity #adamlanesmith #attachmentspecialist
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[@AttachmentAdam]

To stay up to date and learn more about what I have been working on, sign up for my newsletter here: eepurl.com/dur-jb

[@morganandrews973]

I’m glad someone is finally talking about this!! 👏🏼 masculinity is not toxic!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've got a lot about this on my channel, enjoy!

[@energeticgamesrbx9355]

@morganandrews973 exactly masculinity and feminity isn't toxic it's their actions that are toxic not their gender.

[@lez85]

Recently I've been listening to some pick up artists videos on KZbin and I've heard a lot of talk about what is an alpha male and what are desirable masculine traits, but your definition would basically crush all their delusions of being everything a man should be. This is exactly the thing that they are missing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You’re exactly right.

[@KiltedTupiniquin]

Please do a video on the red pill. I saw your interview on modern wisdom podcast where you said that red pill is based on evo-psych. My understanding is that you were not against red pill, but red pill gurus. Would be nice to see your point of view on that, specially because they use no more Mr nice guy as a base.

[@kamalashila3549]

Those people are toddler men who are selfish and have unhealthy attachment.

[@NathanPK]

This sounds more like maturity than masculinity. A woman can and should also embrace full responsibility. Masculinity as a concept must be juxtaposed with femininity. Perhaps, in courtship, that which pursues versus that which attracts. Or in parenting, that which encourages risk-taking versus that which shelters and guards. There are so many qualities which are ascribed to positive masculinity which are really positive humanity-courage, fortitude, wisdom, honor, compassion, to name a few-no less required of the feminine. Pared down to the essentials, masculinity doesn’t have to stand in for everything good. In the Buddhist tradition, there is the concept of “near enemies” of the four virtues. Eg. The far enemy of compassion is cruelty, but the near enemy is pity. Similarly, the far enemy of masculinity may be passivity, but the near enemy is machismo or misogyny.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks.

[@nackedgrils9302]

I've been struggling with this myself as my transition from boy to man is still not complete at age 30. I thought I didn't give much credit to those claims about masculinity being toxic but then started noticing it tainted the opinions and discourse of people around me (and even my own, eventually) and at some point I also started to notice how this idea is extremely prevalent in our culture and very much embedded in the media most people consume mindlessly. So I had to investigate a little bit further but I ended up even more confused because while I was trying to parse things out, I ended up coming to the same conclusion: all the things I associate with being a man or a woman ended up being pretty much the same and fall in line with becoming an adult, taking responsibility, standing up for yourself, your loved ones and your values. And even though we can characterize masculinity vs femininity in parenting in the way you mentioned, both men and women need to integrate qualities of the other in order to be healthy. So, even though I'm still stumped on that particular matter, at least I was able to finally come to terms with the idea that there's nothing wrong with being a man, contrary to what popular culture led me to believe. What I'm now wondering about is why is it so obvious to most people that red-pill/black-pill/incel culture is poisoning the discourse while radfem is doing the same but is still celebrated and not considered as dangerous and destructive.

[@NathanPK]

@@nackedgrils9302 May I recommend "The Way of Men" by Jack Donovan for some thought-provoking ideas on what differentiates men from women? I don't agree with all of his conclusions, but he offers some ideas of positive differentiation. I think you're on the right track with the idea that both genders have to integrate aspects of "masculine" and "feminine" qualities, and part of the issue is the attachment of those qualities to particular genders in the first place. For example, courage would be a classically masculine trait, but there re plenty of historical examples of courageous women. Like so many things, it would probably be helpful if there was another, less loaded, term which encapsulated the virtues of strength, courage, daring, and pursuit--classically masculine--but wasn't associated with the gender. Then we could say, that person (man or woman) is really X, and we could appreciate that men are often more X, without implying women can't be X or men have to be X.

[@deveugene7]

I have four boys. They're all gonna watch this! And my daughter too!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to help. 👍

[@danepaulstewart8464]

Right on, mate! Clear enough that anyone should be able to understand. 👍👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Let’s hope.

[@Claframb]

Adam's a cool guy. I feel like he would be an amazing friend or the perfect leader for a men's support group

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the kind words! I do run a private community for people who want to work with me and build connections with trustworthy people. adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/

[@felixgonzalez6466]

Hello Mr Smith, Just came across your channel and i wanted to give you props !!! There is not enough content like yours. There are many channels that use content like yours but add there twisted slimy ways. . Your amazing. You speck truth . Honner , Respect, Pride 🙏. Cheers 🥂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks so much for watching! Which video has been your favorite?

[@alexmonterolopez5693]

Makes me feel good ppl knowing that this isn't real thing

[@soulfullthinkings4664]

Excellent perspective! I love it👌🏻

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found the perspective helpful! I

[@anned6203]

Brilliant!

[@SD-ym1rt]

Guilty of alot of these. So much work to be done

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s an ongoing process. 🤝

[@HoradrimBR]

I hope you grow enough to debate Rollo Tomassi and others of his kind. I'm sharing your videos with many friends, you message is more necessary than ever. I dare to say you're answering the problems posed by the redpill/incel/etc better than Jordan Peterson. While Peterson is very good in the general narrative, he lacks some of the precise tools that you have when it comes to improve relationships. Your perspectives are complementary where they don't overlap.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words. I definitely see a lot of avoidant attachment tendencies in many of the redpill beliefs. It's sad to see so many trapped in the idea that you need to control others to coerce affection and loyalty from them, especially in your most intimate relationships. We need to counter those lies with the truth of cooperative love.

[@charlesstanford1310]

Some time ago I came up with the idea of masculinity as: meeting challenges and solving problems for the benefit of others. I like your definition of absolute responsibility: pithier than mine. Thinking about this in terms of attachment styles: I would much rather err on the side of avoidant attachment for the sake of gaining and keeping honor. I have a hard time hearing "I want to be loved and accepted for who I am and *get my needs met* " - which is a _passive_ attitude after all - as anything other than making excuses and avoiding responsibility. Sometimes people talk about how restrictive gender roles are, and say that men should be free to express our personalities if we happen to be naturally more feminine or sensitive. In my experience, men who are too free with their feelings or asking for their needs to be met make either cute pets or abusers. I've done my time as a pet; I have never wanted to be an abuser. But you puzzle me. In this video you talk about responsibility; in others you talk about men needing purpose. I hear a call to take up a burden and not be a burden on others. Then you make your videos about attachment and you talk about asking other people to meet needs. Maybe the missing link is that a man should be ready to pay others the right compensation for his needs, and show them he's able to pay before he asks for anything.

[@AttachmentAdam]

A phrase I hope you'll memorize is "voluntary interdependence." Choosing to rely upon others so they can also rely upon you. This is mandatory in healthy human relationships and is the fabric of a functioning society.

[@charlesstanford1310]

@@AttachmentAdam The fabric of a functioning society, as opposed to a state-mediated consumer culture: yes. My ancestors crossed the Atlantic ocean and the North American plains to live in communities of voluntary interdependence. They built the foundations of the infrastructure in the place where I still live. I would like to see more voluntary interdependence on a neighborhood level around here and I see some opportunities to make a contribution toward that.

[@FourApramanas]

Many thanks for your videos. I would say that the absolute embracing of responsibility, as in owning responsibility for ones volition, is fundamental to ethics, to becoming an adult human-being (I am female); to shy away from it (even if that denial seems like being ones own best friend, “It is so your/his/her/their fault!”:-) fragments ones own inner power. One needs also to recognise that others are likewise responsible, which one may sometimes overlook in eagerness to help them.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Embracing and recognizing responsibility is definitely key to building successful cooperative relationships with other human beings, which is the core of secure attachment. Thanks for chiming in.

[@annayudin290]

Wow. Very well said!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you. Have you encountered many healthy men like I described?

[@annayudin290]

@@AttachmentAdam no, I have not but I am apart of a community that is trying to strengthen their men. My husband is apart of it as well and I'm excited to see how much his life improves (and ours too 😅)

[@Darknight526]

7:20 - 7:58 this is really talking to me mannnnnn

[@AttachmentAdam]

Time to get in gear!!

[@daisyvlogs4317]

Sending support thanks for sharing sook tv

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching.

[@joshterryplays]

Great video.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you.

[@kwazar3239]

Amazing video legend

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks

[@moiramahony8319]

I think the term "toxic masculinity" refers to the definition of masculinity that some men consciously subscribe to and act out. It does not describe masculinity or (all) men as toxic. Just as if I used a term like "healthy masculinity", I would be referring to a healthy way of being masculine. I would not be assuming that all men are healthy. Some men really do believe in and act according to a definition of masculinity that most balanced men would find toxic and distorted.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Their delusion does not mean evil is part of being a man.

[@moiramahony8319]

@@AttachmentAdam I agree. And I believe very few people who use the term actually think masculinity is evil or toxic. "Toxic" describes that brand of masculinity, not masculinity in general.

[@migueldiaz248]

there is no healthy way of being masculine. masculine is BY DEFINITION healthy. what u are describing as toxic has NOTHING to do with masculinity.

[@krakenbolt]

How would you define femininity?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've got a few ideas on that, how do YOU define it?

[@Shinyworldwide]

“You have to teach them that you don’t just whack yourself in the eye with it” … You have experience with this don’t you🤣

[@AttachmentAdam]

Maybe. 🤣

[@johnpachkoski4637]

hey, i think a cool video idea you could do if it exists, would be a videon on a formula for preventing a match from ever happening in divorce or conflict caused breakup, or a more concrete cause for the majority of couples splitting. (besides attachment, even though i know thats your specialty)

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good suggestion, and I largely covered this in my earlier video about bulletproofing marriage.

[@nyoracl]

So responsible women are masculine?

[@hspinnovators5516]

Male bpd does though

[@vivianvennicia]

Does your baby even lift their own head bro?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Getting there.

[@vivianvennicia]

@@AttachmentAdam he is sooooo adorable.... ☺

[@bud389]

I agree that toxic masculinity doesn't exist, but it seems like most of this video you didn't actually go over debunking the perceptions of masculinity, and more-so went over the problem with weak men in general. "But weak men ARE the embodiment of the concepts of toxic masculinity!" - No, not to the left that is. To the left, being a strong father figure is toxic masculinity. Resorting to violence as a means of defending yourself or loved ones is toxic masculinity. Keeping your emotions to yourself and not burdening other people with them is toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is a concept designed from the ground-up by a cultish mens self-help group from the 90's, that is designed to make strong men feel vulnerable and to make them reliant on their cult leader for leadership. It is designed as a greedy money-grubbing scheme that was adopted by the leftists and marxists in order to weaken society as a whole to over-turn individualism and capitalism, where people are forced to recognize with a group concept and rely on the government. Toxic masculinity is the definition of the weak male, because only weak males use it as ammunition against strong males to make themselves more valuable in the eyes of society at large, although this strategy relies on pushing the concept of "toxic masculinity" into the zeitgeist of Western Society. It is the duty of every single man and woman to reject the concepts of notions of toxic masculinity not to "restore responsibility", but to eject weak males from being the thought leaders of society.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your last paragraph sounds like the two of us agree on this topic. Politics aside, what do you see as the current number one goal for healthy men in building better lives for themselves (or those under their care)?

[@RaveloTV]

You say that masculinity is the, 'absolute embracing of responsibility'. You're saying that toxic masculinity doesn't exist, but then you go by a definition of masculinity that you made up yourself. When you see men exhibiting toxically masculine behavior "I am the Alpha", puffing of the chest, domineering aggressive and controlling tendencies, etc. it's because their personal definition of masculinity is *toxic*. They believe this is what the pinnacle of manhood looks like, and they're playing that out. We define it as toxic because it has a toxic effect on the men who exhibit this, as well as the relationships with those around them. The only thing you accomplish by saying toxic masculinity doesn't exist is invalidating the experience of others who encounter or grow out of the *toxic* version of masculinity. We should absolutely be working on redefining mens' toxic definition of masculinity through example and responsibility- but not at the expense of pretending that toxic masculinity doesn't exist. You can't fix a problem you pretend isn't there. Kids are smart enough to understand the distinction between masculinity and the toxic versions of masculinity if we teach them. If masculinity is embracing responsibility, then we should embrace responsibility for men who have lost their way, or who get a sense of personal value or identity from shallow/ toxic personal definitions of masculinity.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for playing.

[@LikeToWatch77]

It sounds like you really want toxic masculinity to be a thing. But what you are describing sounds more like narcissistic traits and excessive ego. So perhaps Adam didn't parse out your preferred definition of toxic masculinity into what it really is but he did give us a good working definition of masculinity itself. And if you really feel a need for experience of others to be validated then call it narcissistic abuse and go to one of the 5 dozen other channels on KZbin that talks extensively about narcissism because there are more than enough of them.

[@RaveloTV]

@@LikeToWatch77 As I mentioned, you can't fix a problem you say isn't there. A natural human behavior is to emulate the figures they look up to. Some of those figures, for one reason or another exemplify toxic definitions of masculinity. That doesn't necessarily make the emulators narcissistic or abusive. I won't call it that because that's not always what it is. It sounds like you don't want toxic masculinity to be a thing. Again, the only thing accomplished by saying it doesn't exist is avoiding the problem and invalidating the experiences of those that encounter it. Wasn't the point of the video to be a man and take responsibility? So then maybe we should take responsibility for toxic masculinity instead of pretending it's not there.

[@LikeToWatch77]

@@RaveloTV - So you want toxic masculinity to be a thing and I don't want toxic masculinity to be a thing. Either way it hasn't been objectively established as a psychological construct with good measurement. I choose my subjective preference to say that a thing that can't be proven doesn't exist over your subjective preference to believe a construct for which there is no evidence. I choose not to tie "toxic" behavior to masculinity and instead prefer to view people as individuals.

[@RaveloTV]

@@LikeToWatch77Sure. But neither has masculinity been objectively established as 'taking responsibility'. I think you and I are having a miscommunication. It seems like you think I am (and others who use the term) saying that masculinity is inherently toxic. I'm not. I think people get upset primarily because they take the term 'toxic masculinity' to mean an attack on masculinity itself, when it's actually distinguishing masculinity from those toxic behaviors that some men define as masculine because of their toxic definition of it. In that way, the term 'toxic masculinity' is actually defending masculinity. In the same way that toxic or extreme feminism has resulted in the hatred and generalization of men, but feminism and femininity are not words interchangeable with toxic feminism. Objectively, masculinity can be defined as a series of traits, values and behaviors associated with an ideal example of a man. HOW the individual decides what those traits, values and behaviors are is the thing needing to be addressed- and part of that is acknowledging that it is possible to have a toxic personal definition of masculinity.