Are You Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure? (with Adam Lane Smith)

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 18 months looking into the various attachment styles of men - anxious, avoidant, and secure. I think we all intuitively know that “secure” is the best place to be, but the question is, “How do we get there?” It’s especially difficult considering our engrained attachment style drives so much of our decision-making process - much of which is subconscious.
My guest today is licensed psychotherapist and attachment specialist, Adam Lane Smith. Today, Adam and I discuss building secure, sustainable relationships, why responsibility breeds security and why we subconsciously avoid it, how the chemicals, Oxytocin and Vasopressin, drive our emotional and problem-solving connections, and why every man needs to work on building his “male solution network.”
SHOW HIGHLIGHTS
* Building secure and sustainable relationships
* Why responsibility breeds security, and why we subconsciously avoid it
* How the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin drive our emotional and problem solving connections
* Why ever man needs to work on building his male solution network
* The different attachment styles seen in men
* Modern day dating
* The 5 clusters that are relied on to create healthy and secure attachment
* Modern femininity versus masculinity
* Building emotional intimacy

[@hspinnovators5516]

Adams work is the most relevant and best on you tube right now

[@kevinwilliamson9900]

I appreciate this video. I am a therapist and this field has been feminized as has everything else in our society. It is nice to hear from other men in this field that are reclaiming masculinity.

[@JonathonYoppini]

My wife and I are working through Adam's attachment course right now. Great stuff. Appreciate the episode!

[@Riceonrice]

Ay man , i just want to say thanks for everything. You helped me through i rough divorce and helped me navigate remarrying . I just want to thank you from a long term listener!

[@rosieshades6134]

This was great! Thank you. To the one on the right holding the podcast, you are a good listener and do a good job at keeping the conversation supportive and continuing. I saw another with Teal Swan being interviewed as an example, and it was excruciating to watch because he did not listen and she couldnt shine her view and be fully heard (whether your a fan of her or not). It is so important to give that to the person speaking, and YOU DID just that, putting your own thoughtful comments and participation at just the right moments. Adam’s work has been amazing to implement in my life as well, so I just want to thank you both for being such conscious awesome real MEN!!!!

[@davidguidry657]

We definitely need a part 2 on this! I have been hearing a lot about attachment style lately but mainly from a female perspective so it was refreshing to hear how similar yet unique we are as men in this area. The last segment where y’all discussed vasopressin was especially interesting. In it, Adam mentioned overcoming challenges or settling disagreements together and that got me thinking. I’d love to hear his opinion on whether or not that may be why some women have a tendency to “create drama”. Could it be their attempt at seeking vasopressin bonding? Great episode! I have already shared it with others.

[@gretchenburton7184]

Am everything...plus female...

[@brianbachmeier34]

Happy New Year

[@lesliegirl1514]

I’m confused and need some insight. Men need to be the leader and bond w men to resolve issues. Am I understanding it right, it’s men that you can resolve with e because women should be protected? He’s responsible for almost everything, that is an incredible amount of stress and secludes him. Does that not make him avoidant? Why would I as his cofounder want him to take everything on? I thought we were a team. I don’t want to be babied. Im out in the world working too, most people cannot survive on just one income. Towards the end the gentleman asks what does a man do if the romance has died, and you said do not go to women to help solve the problem. Isn’t that the opposite of what you say relationships need to bond? To work together and solve problems? I am not against men talking with men. That needs to happen. Friendships are very much needed. At 41.05 minutes you talk about the bonding w a woman. You go through conflict together and talk through things, sharing each others sides. Making a confounding business together with a smart intelligent cofounder that wants you to succeed. Doesn’t that conflict with saying men need to go to other men to resolve conflict? Including romantic problems? I feel like I’m missing something huge in what you’re saying bc it seems like two opposite theories. I’m so confused and need clarification. Unless you’re saying, solve with your significant other, but know that you have a back up of help through other men you seem trust worthy and have the 4 trust factors. Can you pls clarify?

[@tinawizi2380]

Can you restate the 5 clusters to build healthy human relationships? Adam mentioned 3…immediate family, extended family and religious affiliation.

[@latarrotraylor7329]

But the nice guys don't really be nice though. It's a facade

[@jakeblackman5930]

Love your show,not a fan of this episode

[@bkbroiler8069]

Nothing on Adam's youtube channel is masculine. He seems like an entirely different person.