Trust Issues? How to Trust Again With Discernment (6 Steps Inside) - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

I'm curious to know below: how many of you have trust issues? How many of you have experienced deep betrayal? Have you overcome it? Are you afraid to trust others, or yourself? Remember to download the guide for all the steps outlined in this video to help you learn how to trust again, with discernment!: www.terricole.com/how-to-trust-again-guide

[@Summer_Harvest]

Thank you. This is just what I needed to hear. And yes, I can think of two situations off the bat. I don't trust myself. I've mentioned I have few memories but I do remember some traumatic situations. I lived in the city, in a new subdivision that was being built when I was 5 or 6- age 9. There were a lot of families moving in. This block became a party block and in the 60's I guess we were pretty well on our own. I had a friend that was 3 yrs younger who I was closest too. Our parents knew each other. I remember being in a house and being ask to dance for a group of boys for candy. I refused but couldn't get my friend to leave. I was the older one. Last memory, I stood outside looking at the house trying to figure out what to do. This to me is the only thing I could fathom to be directly related to our going missing. The story goes we were missing for hours and found in a dug out basement of a new construction that they had already searched around. I have no memories of this but I do recall that I had terrible fears of basements and falling. The other is a friend who was abused by her step father. I said boldly that would not happen if I was around. One day when I was over he grabbed her by the ponytail and started kicking her and she got under a table and I hid behind a cabinet. Both of these tell me that I couldn't trust my own words or actions.

[@Kgoldielocks]

I’m so sorry to hear that such an Awful Experience was your reality I’m jus a Regular Person just like You n I See It Differently given the Proper Tools n Willingness to Implement Them You can Overcome This Obstacle I Too have Suffered Abuse n I Can’t Say I’m All Healed…. It’s a Process… I Can Say I’m Well On My Way…. Bc I Want To Be Better for Myself n The Ppl I Love Who Deserve The Best Of Me!!! And if not for Those Reasons Think About This Living Well Is The Best … Revenge…. Reward…. Which Ever Gets You Better!!! Bc You’re Worth It!!! Don’t Let This Define You… I Wasted Too Much Time Doing Just That

[@Summer_Harvest]

@@Kgoldielocks Thank you. Healing is best and revenge is for the Lord. 🫂

[@christinejaramillo4551]

Ultimate betrayal is when you walk in on your husband and your AUNT. That same husband cheated with multiple “friends”. Which has led to major trust issues in friendships and relationships over the past 22 years. Now at 40 years old, I am realizing how much that has impacted my life and my self-confidence. I am now blessed to be with a partner who is patient and understanding however I still struggle with trusting, friendships and letting people in..

[@Summer_Harvest]

@@christinejaramillo4551 ❤️‍🩹 I'm so sorrt. I'm happy to hear you have found love an intimacy again.

[@marjan3000]

All of your adult relationships are voluntary people. That's gold!

[@terri_cole]

It's true! Glad it helped ❤️

[@gratefultobehere]

That helped me too❤

[@Nat-oj2uc]

True, to trust others you need to learn to trust yourself

[@tihanaharrison6728]

Betrayal by family and a ‘friend’ …. So no trusting myself, let alone others. Love your videos, Terri, and your voice, very soothing and calming. Thank you for all you do! ❤❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, and I am sending love your way ❤️

[@tihanaharrison6728]

@@terri_cole thank you!🙏🥰

[@cynthiacline5998]

You hit the nail on the head for me today! I just got out of a relationship with someone who was not able to keep agreements, commitments, and he pretended to be willing to work on it, so it seemed like he was respecting my boundaries by going to therapy. He checked boxes but didn't do the work. At the end, he told me he was not willing even though he said he was. One more and final dishonesty. We went our separate ways. I learned I can trust myself, and if setting a boundary blows up the relationship then it was dysfunctional. My parents did NOT keep their promises. I was set up, and I am changing that little by little. I am attracted to people who are untrustworthy. I over trust and project the person I am onto them as if they would never abandon our relationship because I wouldn't. I saw the red flags, set boundaries, and he pretended. Eventually, he showed me who he was. I hope he gets the help he needs so he can be a man of integrity to himself.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Cynthia ❤️ I'm glad you were able to recognize the signs he wasn't trustworthy and that you protected yourself. Amazing work!

[@csand916]

We repeat what we do not repair. Woooow 👩🏻‍🔧

[@pampj8501]

TRUST. My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years and married for almost 1. We both have childhood trauma and are insecurely attached. Me recovering from Avoidance, her recovering from Anxious attachment. I know right! In the beginning I showed up very vulnerable and raw, but in a misguided effort to make her feel welcome and wanted, I slowly ended up putting away pieces of myself literally and figuratively. Now I have resentment and distrust. Due to her trauma she learned to ask for her needs through passive aggression and criticism. Two of a DAs biggest core wounds. Overtime I began to shutdown and build the wall. It has gotten to the point that my go to in any conflict is “ Why are you with me?” Now after I finally told our therapist that I am done, I want to end it, she has done a 180. All of a sudden she is cool with me having friends and activities out side of our relationship, she doesn’t push back at my suggestion, she doesn’t pick apart everything I say, she isn’t overbearing or expects me to say specific things in a specific way for her to feel loved. Like all of the things I have been asking for. She all of a sudden understands, when there has been nothing but push back up to now. Problem is, I don’t trust it. I want to, I want to embrace it, but I am terrified that things will go back to the way they were and I can’t handle that.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ It's understandable that you don't trust it. It sounds very new. It sounds like you're in therapy- would your therapist be able to help guide you through how to handle it if things did go back to the way they were? What kind of support do you think would be helpful to have?

[@pampj8501]

@@terri_cole I am in therapy. I just started EMDR I blew that would help. I have to worries. The first being that I do let the wall down and get hurt. The second being that I don’t let it down and she has the right to say I never let her in. Either way I am terrified. I isolated myself to her only so I am trying to build back my support, that is my one more thing that causes issues. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@terri_cole]

EMDR can be a great modality to explore- I hope it goes well 💕 Is there any way you can take it slowly here? Remember, you have the right to set boundaries to protect yourself, and boundaries also protect your relationship. If your partner does anything that crosses a boundary, bring it up- "Hey, I'd like to make a request that you not make passive aggressive comments here. I'm happy to work through a problem with you together, but it has to be us against the problem, not us against each other." You don't need to completely let your wall down unless you feel safe to do so. You can let her back in bit by bit.

[@andrejlondak3740]

Being raised in a culture that teaches children not to trust "strangers" actually made me into a loner, cause no one taught me how to start new relations. As I became an adult, this model, that served parents as a tool of safety for their children, is now hindering my social skills. I tend to fully distrust others or fully trust them. Still trying to find the balance. More usefull is to teach how to distinguish a trustworthy person from the one not worth it. BTW, Terri, thank YOU so much for helping me with finding a healthy sence of self. You are an online angel :)

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing that ❤️ I have a video about emotional trustworthiness here that might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5WonKaHgNp5eZY as well as a video on discernment: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGK4gmubZb9_n7s Hopefully all of these together paint a good picture of how to know when someone is trustworthy, but I also have a video on common manipulation tactics here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC0dampgJqkmaM

[@Nat-oj2uc]

I think it's healthy not to trust strangers. Trusting them is how many people end up getting scammed or stuck in relationship with narcs. Real trust takes time it can't be rushed.

[@andrejlondak3740]

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri 😊 I appreciate it

[@andrejlondak3740]

@@Nat-oj2uc I absolutely agree, yet still it is easier said than done. It will take some time, one must start by trusting themselves they can rely on their own judgement and listen to the inner voice.

[@melissamonson9792]

Your video and guide could not come at a more perfect time for me after disconnecting from 4 long-time friends who are takers (at least 3/4 are narcissists). My friend circle is dwindling and I'm trying to rebuild it, but I didn't realize how much my trust has been eroded by ending these long-time friendships. Also, I totally did not know that's what it was called, but positive projection! Omg, yes. That's exactly what I'm doing without knowing it. I didn't realize that I was assuming that other people would be good communicators, etc. When they are not, it's devasting and I get so disappointed that yet another person has turned out to be trustworthy. I am a longtime fan of your work and appreciate the content you put into the world. ❤️

[@terri_cole]

I appreciate you being here and sharing this with us, Melissa 💕 I totally feel you. Positive projection burned me many times in the past. I have an episode all about friendships here that might also help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i3mukpJveLWlhLs

[@melissamonson9792]

@@terri_cole 💜 thank you for your response and the resource.

[@anniematharoo9244]

Hi Terri! I recently came across your channel and it has been incredibly helpful in this very difficult time. Your work and videos are helping me get well every day and sincerely thank you for doing this for free ❤

[@terri_cole]

That makes me so happy to hear, Annie ❤️ I appreciate you being here!

[@lindagross1288]

Great episode! I repeated the unhealthy relationships pattern for years. Finally with your help I am learning self love, boundaries, self care and speaking my truth. All these new ways of living are helping me learn to trust myself and know I will NOT repeat the unhealthy patterns. This episode is so important for me. I need to let go of my past. I did not know then what I know now. I am rewriting my script of my life! I have a printout of the Boundary Bill of Rights on my altar. I also take it with me whenn I visit my family. Great help!! Thanks Terri!

[@terri_cole]

I have a video about letting go of the past coming up in a few weeks that might be more helpful 💕 But I also have this one: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aH3UYoaraNJ4ftk

[@vanessastable4328]

Great video! thank you. I am guilty of the 50 percent. walking on eggshells made me feel that I couldnt express myself and truly be heard, or possibly it would start a fight. These were the issues that eventually ended my relationship with the ex

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Vanessa 💕

[@tatjanaruss9147]

Hey Terri, thank you so much for your insight! I recently discovered your channel. At this time in my therapeutic journey, your way of pointing out the core and actual root of djungle ish relationship problems is precisely what I need and what I hunger for, and most importantly what I am able to digest, integrate and apply. I bought Boundary Boss as well as Boundary Boss Workbook a few minutes ago. Several times, I pause your video, jump to my desk and design a mind map, transferring an aha moment into my personal topics. Thanks again, precious Terri! 😊

[@terri_cole]

This makes me so happy to hear 💕 I'm so glad my work is helping you and inspiring you to design mind maps! I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss and the workbook just as much, and I'm honored to be part of your journey.

[@Heythere775]

Thanks for this Terri. One of the biggest betrayal traumas I went through was when the therapist I'd been seeing for 6.5 years became abusive ...she re-enacted the behaviour of one of my childhood caregivers. It took about 1.5 years to get through the hardest part of recovering from that. I honestly thought, in the early days, that I would be angry and hurt and then "get over it"....but, within 1 month the panic attacks started and it was downhill from there for quite some time. The most lasting impact has been related to trust...I used to trust everyone else's knowledge over my own, now I trust pretty much no one. I leave relationships as soon as they show me they are not someone who is healthy for me. I am learning to trust myself and I gotta say, I'm darn trustworthy!

[@terri_cole]

I am so, so sorry to hear that you experienced abuse from a therapist, but I am glad to hear you say you're trustworthy. I am cheering you on along this journey ❤️

[@erin3291]

Terri…this video was Amazing …thank you for all your insight, wisdom and expert knowledge your post was just what i needed looking forward to reading your guide… 💓

[@terri_cole]

So glad this was helpful for you ❤️❤️

[@gwenbodeutsch5723]

Thank you for this! I downloaded the guide and am working on this today! Everything you said resonated with me.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so happy to hear it resonated with you, Gwen ❤️

[@Mellinds]

That was amazing! Thanks Terri 😊

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated ❤️

[@monikaleszko5343]

I needed this video 🎉

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated 💕

[@marciar.1267]

I have trust issues. My marriage of 28 years just ended. I don’t trust him to be faithful and I don’t trust myself for staying.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕

[@MaureenC-d6e]

Love Ya, Terri! Did your Boundary Boot Camp in 2021. You helped get me through a really tough time where my trust was broken well shattered really. This video could not be more on time as I am just starting to emerge in the dating scene and didn't realize I had a minefield of triggers and trust issue. Can't wait to check out the guide! Looking forward to practicing trust with DISCERNMENT as this is a bit of a foriegn concept to me going from blindly trusting as you put it positive projection to not trusting at all. This seems like such a healthy happy medium for me.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear this, Maureen! ❤️ You might also want to check out this episode I did solely on discernment: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGK4gmubZb9_n7s

[@christinebowles2417]

Hi Terry, so interesting I have also been too trusting - at my cost. Taken years for me to realize not everyone is trustworthy.

[@terri_cole]

I feel you so much, Christine ❤️

[@SunshineAnia]

Damn, that's so on point!

[@terri_cole]

🙏

[@maxinehoshin147]

Hi, love your videos!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@angelacoleman6580]

Amazing woman! I know...because I brought her book!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@stellasole3720]

💯🔥💞 THIS is what I've needed. Bit by bit trying to retrain myself in trust 🙏💜

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear it resonated ❤️❤️

[@gratefultobehere]

Very helpful message 🙏 thank you and going to save it for future. ❤

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful ❤️

[@Wooddweller]

Yes, yes I have. - to your first question

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@JeremiahRios27]

Hey Terri Cole can you say hi Jeremiah i am such a huge big fan of yours From KZbin i really love your content keep up the good work God bless you Jesus loves all of us everyday God wants to be Treated The Same and enjoy life 😊 i support your community keep up the good work ❤❤❤ i always keep supporting your page This World 🌎 Needs to be a better place We Can Change The World to be a better place Together

[@terri_cole]

Well hello there Jeremiah, thanks for being here ❤️ I appreciate your support!

[@mikesmith6594]

This is my experience I have trouble trusting anyone because of being lied too constantly and also being bullied, gaslit, walked allover my narcissistic father and his flying monkeys love gaslighting my reality, playing mind games with me.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Mike ❤️

[@amandahamilton9213]

I grew up in Gaslit Nation (h/t Sarah Kendzior) and learned not to trust myself. Every bad decision I have made that has been life altering was made in people-pleasing-default mode and when I didn't listen to my gut.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love 💕

[@reneewallace8079]

Thanks for Boundaries Bill of Rights, so powerful. I'm still practising, not a Bounday Boss yet. 😂

[@terri_cole]

Way to go Renee 🙌🙌 It doesn't happen overnight for anyone. There are still times I get a bit of anxiety when setting a boundary!

[@Wonton1885]

I was diagnosed with ADD in my thirties. I had a hard time with emotional intelligence sometimes and often overreacted. I can never tell now if I’m overreacting or if I’m actually seeing red flags. I’m so confused all the time that I find it so much easier not to date because then I don’t have to stress about if my feelings are justified or not.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️ Is therapy accessible for you? I think having a professional help you work through this might be the most useful. If it's not, you could try making notes of situations that occur, your reaction/how you felt, and then what ultimately happened (were they actually red flags, or not?). Eventually, you'll have enough notes to begin seeing patterns. I'd also encourage you to think about past situations and where you felt resentful. Knowing yourself well enough to establish boundaries can help here, too. ❤️

[@Wonton1885]

@@terri_cole That’s really great advice!! Thank you so much ❤️

[@mileena1567]

I love these videos they’ve helped me so much!! I have a question tho , when I do talk to my partner abt my trust issues and I tell him my reasonings he always brings it back on me and says “ you think I’m like all ur ex’s “ and he gets really mad , I need adviceee!!😣😣

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing that 💕 I have a video on how to approach a defensive or conflict avoidant partner here that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eHWvfXqMeLiooqc But I think you're well within your right to ask for compassion and to ask him to approach this as a team. It's you two against a problem, not you two against each other, you know? I

[@krisb.5327]

I found out that my sister was 10 years older than me, lied to me for my entire life. She has raised a violent convicted felon that caused serious bodily harm to a person per her criminal record. She has been convicted of fraud, insurance fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud and shoplifting. She has multiple drug convictions and a DUI. She was convicted of assaulting a peace office and EMS worker, plus other people. This person with these criminal convictions did serious harm to me and my family. Is there anyone else that experienced a family member that always lies to them? How should I deal with this?

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I personally believe all of our adult relationships are voluntary, even with family. If someone is causing you real harm like this, I would evaluate having them in your life.