Unmasking Stims! - Learning to be Autistic Episode 21

Might revisit a couple of other topics since I realised the other day its been a whole 3 years since I got my diagnosis!
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DanaOandersen
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[@toinfinityandviolet4479]

The dancing bit has me laughing so hard, because it’s SO true. I always say, “I always dance like no one is watching, because I only dance when nobody is watching.” 😂

[@kingmasterlord]

I don't even dance then. I've only ever been mocked for attempting to, so I don't even feel the urge when I hear music.

[@STRcircaFKR]

BRo dancing I've realized is my favorite stim. I tEAR up the stage (or my heavily cluttered apartment) and dream of being a dance teacher but it's such a vulnerable space to go into! It kind of feels like I'm being possessed. Or performing an exorcism of all the SHIT society tried to shove down my throat recently

[@HellishKreature]

Thank you for this I'm 36 next month and we JUST realized I'm autistic. My autism was blamed on childhood trauma and my dad abused my stims out of me. I'm desperately trying to unmask

[@therealzahyra]

I'm so sorry, my parents abused me into hiding mine too. I'm 29 and learning to stim now. It's slowly getting better!

[@kingmasterlord]

they do tend to try to beat the autism out of you don't they? I had a similar experience in that regard. my suspicion is that since past generations valued psychopathic traits and equated them to adulthood, that any sort of empathy compassion or understanding is treated as a weakness to be purged through violence for the sake of survival. I see this as a primitive mentality because we are no longer in the food chain.

[@HellishKreature]

@@kingmasterlord when I was adopted I came to them fairly feral. I came from a foster that left me in a crib isolated for days, I legit only remember that crib nothing else about the home and beatings for soiling myself. So I was not the ideal blonde blue eyed little girl my dad thought they were getting anyway. 🙄 but my mom was and still is an angel and I've been N/C for 13yrs with dad. But undoing the damage is a massive biotch. 😵‍💫😮‍💨 plus just got confirmation on one of my daughters today they suspect autism anxiety and ADHD. So trifecta

[@tjzambonischwartz]

I've had an extremely similar life. Diagnosed around the same age and just now learning how to stim and unmask at the age of 40. It's a traumatic experience and I just got to the point of needing to completely sever ties with my abusive father and I'm having an identity crisis.

[@ryanhuong]

​@@kingmasterlordas an Aspie this makes a lot of sense to me

[@pedrova8058]

I remember a lot of stims when I was a kid, not flapping, but "drumming" with my fingers, on everything, all the time, until it hurt. I guess that was annoying, because then I remember curling my toes inside my shoes (obviously, you can't see it, it didn't bother anyone). Also swing on the chair (I mean, using normal chair as a rocker; I was scolded many times because I broke several doing that) While ago, reading comments, I remembered that I liked to spend hours in bed, with one arm or leg in a perfect vertical position, so that its own weight kept it up, in "balance." And then let it fall, as if it were inert. And I only remembered that when someone else mentioned it as stim, I had completely forgotten about it. Now as an adult, I think I just maintain certain vocal things, mumbling and humming songs, pretty much all the time (especially when I'm happy/relaxed, many times someone else has pointed it out).

[@kalt1976]

Greetings from Denmark 🙋‍♀ I also used to think I didn't stim- and found out that oh yes, I do 😄 I stim mostly when I am concentrating. I will often pinch/pull at the skin on my neck (not hard), I rub my hands, tap my fingers, bite my lips/cheeks (not hard), bounce and shake my foot/feet when I'm sitting, scrunch my toes in my shoes, rock/ sway slowly from side to side especially if I am standing waiting for something...there are more, but those are the most common.

[@baileyjones7570]

I'm starting to wonder: what do neurotypical people even DO when they're alone, if not stim?

[@BipolarCourage]

Just about everybody 'stims' if take a looser interpretation of the term. It depends whether clinically significant for diagnosis. Needing to move for grounding or to discharge energy is completely normal and healthy, IMO. When I leg jiggle etc, it's when I feel anxious and it happens without my noticing it. Movement to music helps my mental health a lot. I often go euphoric doing it.

[@gmlpc7132]

I also like swinging / rocking back on chairs. I'd really like to go on swings but as an adult it looks strange to many people so I don't do it. Spinning is good but rocking feels best. I also like to crack my toes but can only do it on my right foot - it doesn't always work but when it does it sounds great! These are all things though I either do in private or if I do them in public it's very subtle. I suppose this is one of the differences with classic autism where those with it can't control their stims or their stims are very obvious.

[@lanitagrice7644]

@gmplc7132 Yeah, we definitely need swings that are for adults to use in public without being stared at or chastised.

[@Vantorea]

How is your mind-body connection? I've been thinking... Blocking out your impulse to stimm, preventing you from stimming, for years and years, it must do something to the connection between your mind and body. And I wonder if that's what I'm experiencing... I avoid yoga because it's emotionally overwhelming. I remember how as a child I used to get so excited I felt it in every cell of my body and it made me dance. I'd love to feel that happy, inspired, and excited again. But some internal police tells me no, that's too much, you'd have to feel your body and you don't want to feel your body. Of course stress and anxiety has a role in this. Avoiding feeling those to keep yourself functional in every day life. Because if I stopped and felt all the stress I'd just get a melt down and then I'd be in even more trouble. But could I have managed my stress better if I had allowed myself to stimm? To find a healthy way of relieving those negative feelings in the body..?

[@fliss9962]

I used to do chi gung. I find it very interesting that many of the exercises, especially some of the warm ups (literally flapping/shaking hands, arms, feet to release energy and ground yourself) is perfectly acceptable. It's also interesting that occasionally people would suddenly burst into tears - your remark about finding yoga emotionally overwhelming just reminded me. As a 57 y old recently diagnosed I feel a have a very strong mind and body disconnect ..

[@Vantorea]

@@fliss9962 Whoaa! So interesting! I also recently stumbled upon information that stimming can be viewed as part of a meditative practice - helping you ground yourself, releasing energy. More of this please. To normalise people doing what they need to keep present and in their body!

[@Toast_Life]

I have loads of stims for each sensory category. I'm a leg bouncer, I love to crank up the music in the car and sing, I also love swings and teeter totters when I have someone else with me. I've also been a tap dancer most of my life and I love doing small combos and exercises to stim, or just paradiddles or paddle 'n rolls (look em up, very repetitive and fun that anyone can do in any shoes). Also very fun words to say. Do many stims I can't list them all. But it's how I get through life and when people ask if I'm okay (they always assume I'm anxious but I have stims for many occasions or casually relaxing/self soothing), I say, "yeah, are you?" 😆

[@annerigby4400]

Very interesting video. It's the first time I hear of music/dancing as a stim. I am a painter and I have very loud music playing while I paint - I have about 2000 songs/pieces of all genres of music mingled into about 5 playlists. Painting without music is deafening and empty. While I'm painting I sing along, and when I hit those various "I don't know" moments or "this or that" moments, I will sit and stare for a while and when a 'good' song for dancing comes up, I will have to get up and dance - some would probably call it aggressively flailing around. The dancing removes the stress of not knowing, of hesitation and helps me to the next step. I cannot sing (tone deaf) and have no sense rhythm so this is definitely not something I would do if there is anyone around.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

My most endearing stim is a mini version of cheering with your fists in the air, which is with my elbows against my side, my arms bent up, with little excited shaking of my fists close in front of my chest.

[@solenej7023]

Like you I am noticing new stims and behaviours all the time and I think OHHHH… My happy stim is clapping with gusto, my husband calls me a seal 😂🤦‍♀️ I am starting to hide stims less and I’m so anxious atm it’s hard to hide anyway. I tend to do a lot with my hands and legs, wiggling my fingers so they rub todether I love. I also rub things on my face, fingers, beads, pebbles, whatever… Verbal stimming too, I love to tut lots really quickly, sometimes slower, and click too. I could go on forever. How did I get to 40 before I discovered I’m autistic 😂

[@pirateclick]

Oh my god, explaining your behaviour using an analogy to YTPs resonates with me on a spiritual level🙏 I should also keep an eye out for a secluded swingset nearby; there really isn't anything in adult life that adequately replicates that feeling, and until just now I didn't even notice how much I miss it.

[@xEloiseKerryx]

OMG I LOVE YOU THANK YOU!! Watching this video just gave me a BREAKTHROUGH I’ve had the worst phone addiction for years and I just realised it’s because it’s socially accepted stim!!!!! The tapping and the games and the SCROLLLING sensation goes back to even using a desktop computer OMG THANK YOU XXXX

[@pearbitch]

yes, i realized i so often scroll on youtube just to scroll and see thumbnails, not even to watch a video. i also scroll youtube comments or recommended while watching videos lol

[@veronicagorosito187]

I think rocking has an effect on the vague nerve. It feels extremely good. I do it on an office chair (those like gaming ones) and it frees my throat, neck and my breathing, and my entire nervous system benefits from it :) Thank you so much for sharing 🥰💜

[@aussiejubes]

"Dividend" is my favourite word. It's so good to say 100 times fast lol

[@Amanda-1985]

i just remembered as a kid on the swings, i used to twist the chains together (by spinning round) then let it spin back. I loved the jumpy feeling when it stopped. I am autistic and big on stims.

[@nair19junio]

(hi new subscriber here, self diagnosed very recently😅)This just made me think and remember the different ways I used to stim as a kid and that I changed for other "more normal" ones to not get laughed at, working on being back on being myself.

[@henryholden4052]

I didn’t think I had any happy stims that survived my childhood but then I remembered; I sway and bounce in my seat when I’m happy (particularly consuming something yummy or waiting for a much anticipated show). I hope I can remember others and maybe bring them back into practice ♥️ (The, what I call the Alien clicking sound, did/do it as a “loading in progress” sort of waiting stim and it drew my sister bananas 🤣 my brother cracked his knuckles and that dove me bananas. An entire family of undiagnosed NDs just triggering each other and being annoyed by each other other’s stims 🤦🏻‍♂️🤣

[@Wotansfogal]

My stims tend to be situational. If I am in a loud environment I tend to be more vocal in my stims to drown the noise a bit. When I'm really stressed and overstimulated I will rock and pace. but I only rock when I am alone. Lots of hand stims like doing the finger dances, finger drumming or rubbing wrists against eachother. Due to anxiety unfortunately also bad ones like dermatillomania and dermatophagia. My knuckels and the skin around my fingers being the worst. Echolalia when I feel I need to repeat a sound. I have a lot of them.

[@Petertwohig1948]

Thanks, Dana. I love pressing my fingers against my palms until my nails turn white, clenching my toes, biting my tongue, and repeating great sounds. When I was a kid I used to rock my head from side to side in bed, sometimes for very ling periods (usually while humming or singing). I still like to do it. I'm a musician, and I'm sure the whole music thing is one big stim, especially drumming, which you can do any place any time. Basically, without stims, my life would be dead vanilla. Keep up the terrific work. You're an inspiration.

[@DanaAndersen]

Oooh thanks for sharing Peter! I think you’re onto something with music being a big stim, I’ve recently met a lot more neurodiverse people in real life and so many are musicians or have a huge interest in music! I can’t play guitar well, but I love learning short riffs from songs I like and just playing them over and over 😅

[@Petertwohig1948]

@@DanaAndersen Thanks, Dana. I was just justt thinking about my running (I was a long distance runner for many years) and I realised that I it was the BEST sensation, once I got going, definitely a stim. I'd run every day, but on Sundays up to 35 k. Cheers.

[@BipolarCourage]

@@DanaAndersen music is therapeutic. Everyone will have their own tastes though as what one person enjoys, another will find irritating

[@annerigby4400]

The 'especially drumming' rang a bell.... I am not a musician, but I will often find myself drumming - while I'm cooking, if I have to wait, I will hit the pots and pans with whatever I've been using and bang away to a song in my head, or if I have to wait somewhere, I will tappittytaptap using all my fingers (like for typing) on some hard surface, again to a song in my head. Come to think of it I do a lot of tapping and really enjoy typing perhaps for that reason - it has to be the right kind of keyboard, with a good click to it. On the other hand, someone else making a repetitive, sharp clicking sound will drive me nuts and can even trigger a migraine if I'm in a migraine zone.

[@Petertwohig1948]

@@annerigby4400 I agree with all of that. Isn't it wonderful when you get the keyboard right!

[@complexi_Lexi]

Me: "Voyvad. voy. vaaad... voy..." Dana: "I don't know when this became Dora the explorer" Me burst out laughing 🤣🤣🤣👌

[@gabrielwebb6714]

We have a lot of the same stims!! I'm only just recently starting to learn to unmask, but some things came out on their own once I wasn't around people from my childhood anymore. They got used to the kid who bottled everything up and tried to be "normal", so it weirded them out when I stopped trying.

[@AntjedePantje]

Wow, this made me realise that I should probably get myself a swing set... if I ever manage to get in the position to own a house with a garden 😅😅 (slim chance.. but one can dream!)

[@jennasink8743]

I related to SO much in this video! I also didn’t know of any stims to tell the psychologist who diagnosed me about, and then the more I’ve learned and the more I’ve tried to unmask, the more stims I’ve discovered! Learning how to flap has honestly been the hardest one because I had to try it several different ways to find one that feels right, and I still have to remind myself when I feel like flapping that it’s okay and good to do it. I kind of want to try dancing as a strategy to help with executive dysfunction now. That sounds really fun and like it might actually work!

[@Veg-Power]

I love it when our dogs woof. I cheer them on really hard and imitate them all the time. Really creates dopamine xD

[@Kaeteification]

I WISH I knew how to stim dance! Am so awkward that it feels hopeless, the idea of somehow tuning into my body and following.... which impulses? That will be a long learning process, I think. The thing that gets me is that I stim a lot when I'm alone and have been consciously giving myself permission to do so now that I know it's stimming. But a lot of the big stims that can feel really right will quickly make me feel so dizzy and sometimes even unwell. Often I'll get a lot of vestibular input that's just too much for me, but I really want the rest of the sensory input. Maybe I've become overly sensitive to vestibular stuff because I've masked by making myself be still for so long, so I go over the threshold of what's familiar way too quickly? Anyway it drives me up the wall and makes it so hard to let myself go for full-body stims.

[@BipolarCourage]

try hand dancing if you don't feel confident moving your body around yet. Put on some music that connects with you (best if immersed into it like headphones). Don't overthink it. Just let your hands and arms move anyway. No right or wrong. Helps my mental health a lot. I also love to dance-walk when my mood is elevated - helps to discharge the energy. Again, with music that fits my mood, walk and wave my hands to the music. My psychologist tried it after I said I do it and she said she experienced euphoria (she doesn't have bipolar disorder like me).

[@nvdawahyaify]

I stimm in many different ways. I sing a lot. I even sing words that aren't real. I make words up. I think it's called neologism. I have one stim that people keep trying to stop me from doing. I tap my head against the wall. It's not hard. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't cause any damage. It's about as much force as someone tapping on a desk. It helps my with the headache that comes with being overwhelmed. I have many others too, but I'm overwhelmed right now and I can't think straight at the moment. Thank you for the video.

[@lanitagrice7644]

Toe joint cracking is the best. One of the reasons I like to wear looser shoes and sandals is that it allows me to crack my toes under cover.

[@timseguine2]

I also used to think I didn't stim because my only reference frame was the very narrow stereotypical portrayals of it in the media. My usual one is rubbing my feet back and forth on carpet either with or without shoes.

[@FirstmaninRome]

well, I desperately needed a Dana video to get out of bed, procrastination, just laying in bed thinking west world and the bicameral mind theory, thanks to dana I can get up get mexican food. I have tons of verbal, vocal and pacing stims, the pacing is getting hard my old arches. I chew on everything, my teeth are wore down from grinding and have a prominent Tsss stim that kinda classic in my eyes autistic

[@goatsandroses4258]

I am so glad you mentioned swinging. I loved swinging as a child.

[@DrinkYourNailPolish]

Before I was diagnosed I would find that when my energy felt "too much" or "out of control" due to being anxious, frustrated, or upset, i would run in place to "burn it off". I just thought i had an iverload of adrenaline due to stress, turns out it was sensory overload and the running was my way of stimming.

[@baileyjones7570]

I just acquired a new stim, sucking air through my teeth---unfortunately it makes sound, so I try not to do it around people. I also recently started turning on my heel during my walks, every few steps---it makes me feel balanced, and just feels good and fun, but I sort of disguise it as looking behind me (i must look like i'm running from someone creepy 😂). Also I do little hops and skips throughout my day.

[@johnbillings5260]

I used to have so many hand stims as a child, but no flapping that I can remember. I have had an extreme oral fixation my whole life including cheek chewing, finger chewing, tongue chewing, pencil biting, etc. and as I grew older I relied on the more invisible stims and the others went away. I would really enjoy a good stress ball squeeze session, but I didn't even know what stimming was and that I was doing it. I use nicotine pouches now and that has spared my cheeks for the most part.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

When you show how you “do your fingers”- I used to don’t all the time in grade school!!! Later, I thought it was an OCD thing, and I trained myself to stop. (I just stunned in other ways.)

[@Shibby27ify]

I think there's a different type of nervous system stress we experience separate from the classic stress response mediated by adrenaline and cortisol (HPA axis). Something about overwhelm on a deeper nervous system level

[@f2dw]

I think its very interesting how you said you worry about others seeing your happiness and taking it away. Do you find you have a fear of being perceived? I personally struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria so I worry about others perceptions of me at times and do find in a way it is easier to just reject others before they reject me. You mentioned forgetting the word for perception of bodily awareness and it is interoception. I absolute have that problem also. I can get so focused I forget to eat or use the bathroom. My stims as a child were picking fuzz off stuffed animals and rolling them into little balls and flicking then on the floor. I also sucked my thumb until my mom had an orthodontist install a device that made it hurt to suck my thumb called a spike cage. Now as an adult I pop my fingers and my neck most. I also enjoy swinging a lot and have a large nest swing. I struggle to identify my stims because they were supressed for a long time. I enjoy your videos. You have a nice speaking rhythm and you seem like a very approachable person to me. You also come across as strong and confident which I wish I was a bit more. Thank you for making videos

[@angiehewerdine]

Voivod! I haven't listened to them since the 90s! Awesome!

[@pangkeechangvang8634]

Okay completely unrelated you are so funny I can’t. The way you tell a story I love it ❤

[@DanaAndersen]

Thank you! I like to think I’m funny but I’m never sure if it’s just awkward 😂

[@maddlepaddle420]

​@@DanaAndersen I think your way of saying things is brilliant ❤😂

[@DreamingofMoonASMR]

I love this videooo ahhh. It just made me realize one of the stims i do. If i am ever around other people & there is music playing i “dance with my feet” i make up movements with my feet to the beat but after watching this video i really just wanna get up & dance. But, i usually don’t because no one else is/ i don’t want the attention on me.

[@Penelope.1311]

I am not diagnosed but I relate to so many things in this video! Thank you for sharing! 💜

[@colleenmcbride3656]

I have a couple songs that really help me get up and dance when I'm having trouble starting something. Hunger by Florence and the machine, Fatty Boom Boom by Die Antwoord, and Dare by Gorillaz. I'm sure I look terrible doing it, but it feels good to go hard. I also headbang, spin, and walk on the outer sides of my feet.

[@maddlepaddle420]

I'm gonna have to look up the others but DARE GOES HARD I LOVE THE BEATS 🤣

[@luvleeaddi]

Thank you for sharing who you are! I love this series

[@tjzambonischwartz]

DAS FLUTENDUTEN IS ONE OF MY VOCAL STIMS TOO

[@highflyingdisc5734]

Omg, Fluten Duten, is so good! Your highlights look beautiful. Certain things feel really good to text. Especially using the pointer finger method. For example, try the word “beautiful” with the one finger. It’s great. I think it’s the back and forth on the keyboard that i like. Once again, great job Dana!

[@ryanhuong]

You are so confident

[@TheINFP_Diary]

Thank you for your videos

[@justinehailey3870]

the swinging sensation is related to vestibular input!

[@truman3.0]

Great video

[@lanitagrice7644]

I'm 68 and every time I pass a park with play equipment, I want to PLAY on it -- especially swinging and climbing.

[@baileyjones7570]

I've just realized that I flap my hands when I'm really excited! 😂 it's usually around my special interests, and I do about 3 flaps and then i stop, but if I wasn't masking it would probably go on for longer.

[@maksschmidt]

Didn’t see it posted anywhere else in the comments, but I think the word you were looking for at 15:15 is “interoception”.

[@DrinkYourNailPolish]

I would suck my thumb constantly until I was 13 where I stopped thumb sucking PUBLICLY. But i continued to suck my thumb in private up until I was in my 30s where I FORCED myself to stop. Now I suck the inside of my cheek and it's not so visible I can do it anywhere.

[@DrinkYourNailPolish]

When I am super excited I do something I call "orangutan arms" and what I do is when I'm super hyped (usually while watching wrestling) i will lift my arm straight up and wiggle my hands and run across the room. Like picture an orangutan running and that's what I think of when I'm doing it.

[@L5biszz]

So charming

[@derp195]

The more I learn about stims, the less able I am to distinguish them from tics.

[@lonlep1831]

Getting rid of an emotion? Different stimms for different emotions? Stim to balance Over-Stimm-ulation?

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

I have a vocal stim where I say nenga neng nenga neng nenga neng nenga neng nenga neng nenga neng. It’s very calming.😊

[@RatsPicklesandMusic]

6:26 relate so hard so far!!!

[@FainaruFurasshu]

I only stim when I'm on drugs, usually with my hands.

[@MOS6582]

You fucking rule👊

[@Surfer8652]

Hereditary is the film with the girl who clicks her mouth

[@veronicagorosito187]

Self esteem ❌ Self stimm ✔

[@johnrainsman6650]

Is it better for us autistics to mask, so we can be normal and the same as others?

[@DanaAndersen]

Why should we be the same as others when it’s at huge detriment to our mental health and well being? Normal is different depending on who you ask so that’s just an unachievable goal

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@DanaAndersenSo it isn't true then? We autistics are not different in humanity?

[@DanaAndersen]

That’s not what you asked originally, nor what I’ve just said.

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@DanaAndersen Just a question I always had in general about ASD.

[@kasietjie]

I couldn't watch this because of the cursing.....wow....

[@judithdesjardins156]

I would watch you if you didn't swear so much

[@DanaAndersen]

I’d care but I don’t

[@CheekieCharlie]

​@@DanaAndersenhell yeah! "Hi id like you if you were different" "So you don't like me? What do you want, a cookie?"

[@deesparklebazinga9374]

I tend to clench my fingers but I'm terrible with clenching my toes. As a child I HATED wearing socks and I think it's because it constricted my feet and toe movement but I also feel very uncomfortable due to the seams on socks (hate seams + labels on clothing). I didn't think I stimmed but during my assessment they pointed out my teeth grinding which I've struggled with for years and have to wear a hard tooth guard at night or it will keep me awake! I can not dance as I'm generally really stiff and wooden so would get totally wasted to try and loosen up. After my diagnosis last year at age 38 I have started to try out many fidget toys etc. I also have a diagnosis of ADHD and im not sure if that is why I find it difficult to even remember to stim or fidget most of the time. It could be just that I've masked for so long! I got myself a fidget/calming ring that has little balls you can spin and it helps. I was wondering if the patterns on the wall behind you are star constellations? Loving it. Hope your doing ok xx