My mother was a difficult woman and I wasn't close to her. When she died I was sad for her, but I don't miss her. I did grieve a little bit. I was sad for the person, bu not for my relationship with her.

I think you are who you want to be. If you think you are autistic then you are don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Stop caring too much about what other people think about you.

Mine was estranged (technically we were low contact not NC, due to me being forced to work as a caregiver for him by other abusive family members) and he died nearly a decade ago. I felt nothing remotely positive for him when he died. Just relief. And anger that I'd lost a job that helped me to survive because he'd killed himself. That was the final neglectful nail in the coffin of our awful relationship. Even now, when people do the "I'm sorry" thing when you tell them your parent is dead, it rings completely hollow and feels like a slap in the face. I'm not sorry he's dead. I'm safer now, so are a lot of little girls who look like the kid I was. I'd mourned the Dad I never had and should've had for decades before that moment, there was nothing left to grieve. Never tell anyone how to feel about their abusive parent's (or family member's, caregiver's, ex's, etc) death. Ever. Never tell someone how to mourn or grieve. I'm sorry you didn't get to see her body. People underestimate how spending time with the meatsuit that used to hold someone you knew can help you to really begin to really comprehend and accept that they're dead. Everyone handles death differently.

I don't feel that I was abused by my Mother, although we had moments when it may have bordered on it, but I'm pretty sure my Mom was also autistic or maybe cptsd - she was an incest survivor so had gone through a lot of abuse. I know she had a LOT of junk of her own to deal with and being gen x feelings were NOT discussed in my family. That being said, my Mom was NOT the nurturer of my family - that was my dad - we lost him when I was 3 and I honestly do not remember anything for about a year after he passed. I assume I didn't take it well - I was deemed 'his fave' and he was the one who was up with me at night, read to me and did all that stuff you'd expect from the nurturer. My Mom was the disciplinarian. She's the one who made him take the belt to my brother when he teased me too much. She scared the crap out of me. I think I spent the better part of my childhood wishing God had taken her and not him. The odd part of that is, SHE is the one who always remembered my birthday as an adult. She is the one who always made me a cake and got me a card or something. She is the one who cared for my children in her old age, even when she couldn't remember her own name. She is the reason I have a home to live in today. And even though at times I really hated her, she was the ONLY person in my life I ever felt I could depend on - the one thing that was always constant. I'm not sure what I felt for her was love, but maybe more of a very deep dependancy. When she was alive she would guilt me into not divorcing my shitty husband by telling me SHE didn't have a choice - her husband DIED - I filed a year after SHE died. LOL and I have NEVER once regretted it. And after she died I started to learn how to trust MYSELF. I started to learn it was ok to ask for help when I needed it, even though it felt wrong and awkward. I think in a way she may've not been the best influence on me, but you know - we didn't know about autism in the 60s when I was born and I am not level 2, just one, but ya know.....still a cousin in the 'tism spectrum. I'm not sure how much I know about what Love even is. I'm not sure I've actually felt it. When she died I think I might've cried more about how my husband abandoned me in that moment, than her actual death, even though there was a very large and very felt hole there - a huge void that I couldn't fill and I had no one TO fill it. Not even my own husband. I think it's a very different state of being to be parentless - it is almost a rite of passage. We all get there at some point, some of us at a younger age than others. That being said, it's OUR business how we deal with it. nobody else is going to live our lives for us, so that's up to us. I guess I was lucky in a sense to be a Genxer - I never really cared much what anyone thought of my actions and such. I might care even less now, but maybe that's the Alexithymia LOL Anyway, hang in there girl, you will get through this one way or another and just know you aren't alone b/c I think that is the most important thing. Thanks for lettings US know we are also not alone.

Goosebumps 👀

Same!

You can pick your friends but you can not pick your family. No contact, do what makes you safe.

I went to the Doctor Who exhibition in Cardiff in 2011 too! There was also a boat museum nedt door to it, which was less interesting!

Everything i spend my time doing is very technical and niche and whenever i have to talk about my life people dont relate. Thankfully its been forever since ive talked to an actual human!

I can only speak for myself, but I definitely needed this insight. With my father possibly gone and my mother soon to be as well, I was wondering why I didn't feel the way people were saying I should feel about it. Thank you for your perspective and for the validating feeling that I'm not alone.

I get angry really easily , and i get annoyed and bothered by minor things easily and i really dont know how to deal with it

No one tells you how you're supposed to feel about your abusive parents, whether they're alive or dead. I've been grey-rocking mine for about 3 years now. I still get massive anxiety if they phone me, even though I don't always pick up the call. I almost wish they'd do something undeniably horrible to me, so it would make it easier to break contact with them. I'm at the point where I feel I owe them an explanation if I cut off all contact without an obvious catalyst, but I have no idea how to put it into words. 💚

Thank you Dana for opening up this topic. I am in the same boat, but my mother doesn't have cancer and is currently still alive being a royal batch to me most of the time! So many people who didn't have childhood abuse to heal from don't fucking get it!!

You tell 'em Dana! ❤

I really appreciate you talking about this difficult topic its really helped me. Im 61 and autistic/ ADHD tho not diagnosed yet. My Dad died 29 yrs ago (massive heart attack) and my mum 12 years ago(vascular dementia). My mental health suffered hugely because i didnt go no contact with my Mum who sounds a lot like your Mum. I tried to go no contact for a while but then i caved. I am now estranged from my brother, sister and my extended family. I really feel for you. ❤ Do you think that because we are autistic that we can see and call out family dysfunction moreso than others?

Why do a bunch of different stuff if one thing makes us happy?

You need to exercise. It’s so important.

My mom had a similar vibe with texting. After not speaking for 6+ months, she ended up texting me out of the blue to ask about a bike she couldn't find in her garage, a bike she had given me as a child and that I hadn't seen in years. Sending love <3

If the parents die, the headship of the family passes to their offspring, shifting their view of themselves as mere 'children' to actors within a legacy (sometimes it's achievements or virtues, sometimes it's social dysfunction, veiled by a veneer of bourgeois pretense). Loss and death grant a sense of reality beyond the mere routine. 'All devouring time' is the comforter of the downtrodden.

My parents are the same way. They treat me as if I'm their property, and they course think I'm irrational for cutting them out of my life. They're suffocating. I'm autistic as well.

1 year late, but DANG, I do relate/agree very much with that ending thought 💭 🙌🏼 that the world 🌎 could improve if people would just.. THINK about things 👌🏼 a little bit more. 😅 🙏🏼 Also, I often feel like I’m “rambling,” but then again, I’ve come to realize often people don’t want to hear so much information bc “being informed” on any level can cause discomfort from the feeling/fear of being perceived as unintelligent. 😮 ..as if to be intelligent means “you should know everything.” 👀 Well, as you’ve shared here, many sure do talk like they know everything. The smart thing, really, is knowing you don’t. 🙏🏼 Thank you, from the US 🇺🇸, for this vid. You got me thinking! You’re right! Dealing with ASD is hard! May God bless you <3 If you’ve read this far, thank you! 💭 Little thought nugget: I believe the “super powers” stuff, if you will, comes OUT of the disabilities. Like someone with a blind eye gaining strengthened hearing ..to MAKE UP for that loss of sight.

i always think that you deserve better than the stories you tell

When I think of my mother, I think of the Free Churro episode from Bojack and I chuckle a little bit and then I feel a little better.

Sometimes after a parent passes, we feel safe enough to feel things we couldn’t acknowledge while they were alive. Have you found yourself processing more old memories since her passing, or has it not affected you in that way?

Although I am not estranged from either of my parents, and they are alive and well, I can understand from a point of view of those with parental estrangement issues how conflicted they could feel when this happens. On one hand, it's sad when somebody leaves this ethereal plane, but you have to admit it hits kinda differently when they're basically already dead to them beforehand...

hang in there Dana ❤ sending hugs

Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best 🥰

My heart hurts for what you have been through. This happened in my family and my sister and I, in our 70"s are still effected.

It dosent matter. If you saw him out the corner of your eye, then he was around. Karra relayed slackjaws love and appreciation

💜💜💜

I'm estranged from my father so I understand the idea of that he has kinda already "died" as a parent for me but will feel sad when he dies as a human but not sad like he was a father to me. I totally get that. ❤

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad this topic is being talked about more, it helps reduce stigma and shame. I've been mourning the parental relationships that I needed but never had for a few years now. I'm pretty low contact these days, just waiting for the inevitable. It gives me some anxiety, but with time and space away from those relationships I'm better able to work on myself, trying to develop the tools I need to manage and process my emotions so I can be a person.

Hey gurl, stumbled across your channel around Christmas. UK. Neurodiverse. Gay. Older parents. And estranged from my family for the past 5 years. Have struggled with the mental gymnastics that have come along with making that hard decison back in 2020 (plus covid). One of my recurring (intrusive) thoughts have been this topic over the past few years. It didn't help that it was an intrusive thought prior to the estrangement already as a young child (lol). And recently got bad news. Your videos on your experiences (prior to this one) are the only ones I have found over the past 5 years that have similar themes/situations to mine & I feel like you voice your thoughts/feelings in a similiar way to myself sometimes too. So thank you for sharing your experiences, & thank you for posting this video on this topic ESPECIALLY tonight too.

Your relatives treated you like shit and I dont think you were wrong to cut them from your life. It's exactly what I have done with one half of my family who didnt give a toss about me and treated me like garbage. The fact you feel some sadness shows that you are really a good person, Dana.

I'm watching this as like, a video adjacent to the video topic I should actually be watching. Its my peripheral vision of approaching a topic that's too big emotionally for me to handle. For my life story, my 91 year old grandmother, who I am incredibly close to and have been a caregiver for since 2020 is increasingly losing cognitive functioning from repeated head trauma from falling. And so I'm here scrambling to figure out like, administrative end of life shit at the moment, been dealing with the nonstop weight of the grief of seeing her decline over years and I really do need to like watch a video on what to expect from losing a loved one and you know, find a grief counselor. I ❤️ slamming all my life to a halt, rescheduling, re-organizing and going back to frozen meals and protein bars bcs I'm too busy making phone calls and doing research to uhhhh prioritize myself and my needs. 😁👍 This does not lead to autistic shutdown and burnout whatsoever and is a completely sustainable way of living forever and ever :)

When my dad died I had to see his body, I would not feel any resolution if I didn't. I wanted to see them pack him up and leave the house but they wouldn't let me watch them put him in the bag, I did get to see him leave tho. My dad was a psychologically sadistic person who was genuinely unmoved by anyone's suffering and enjoyed pushing people to their limits. So I really felt like i needed to see his body leave the house, or he'd somehow be there forever. It also helped me see him in a different way. He was genuinely a monster, but he was also a really damaged man, I don't think he was capable of being happy. I think there was a part of him that wanted to love, but had been hurt so much that the attempts he made couldnt be fulfilled. Part of the reason he died was because he was born with one of the chambers of his heart already dead. It's kind of poetic haha. Yeah I don't forgive him for he's done, but it doesnt matter anymore if I forgive him or not. I wish I understood more but I was never gonna get any answers while he was alive anyway. He was an awful person and nothing can change that, my general impression of him is of suffocating sadness. Anyway I am also estranged from my mother who thinks she can never do wrong but is just as monstrous, if not more in some truly insidious ways. I can't believe sometimes that I had parents like that, what luck! Anyway this is hilarious to me but the last time my mother tried to contact me, she sent me a card and in the card she informed me that I got a spam call!

While this was a very serious video and I could try saying something comforting, all I can hear is "You can read" and just.. That made me laugh so hard. ❤

Think I understand why you morn your mum better now *hugs*

Hi there I am Andrew Autistic

I love hearing about your experiences!!!

My father was abusive. He developed Parkinson's in his middle years. Usually this would change people for the worst, but it turned him into the person I had wished he had been all along. Unfortunately, I squandered the time that we could have spent together, not knowing that he would die soon after.

t h a n k 🧚‍♂️ y o u Dana !

Thank you for sharing! Both my parents are still alive, but im estranged from my mother. I think a lot about how I'll cope with their deaths, since their role as parents has already "died" to me (does that make any sense?), so videos with topics like these are very comforting to me, i can imagine myself in a situation like yours. I think you're coping like a champ, good job! And take good xare

My dad and i were not as close as we should have been - i identify with so much of your stories lately. ... and when my dad passed away he was trying to do better - he really was a good guy but he had such a difficult time. We were apart and it hurts a lot to think that he was lonely and wished we could have resolved on those last months of his life.

My mother favors my brother as well, and I told her he voted for Trump a man of color. It meant nothing to her.

I totally relate to your circumstances. I’m an autistic individual who has severe executive dysfunction and largely manipulative, bigoted, and unkind parents. Once I (or if I) move out, I’m probably going no-contact with my parents. I’ve basically had this conclusion in my head for the past seven of my 21 years on this planet. It sucks that it’s come to this, and I really wish my parents were better people. I wish I had the patience and persuasive power to change them. But being around them hurts me to the point where it isn’t worth it. I don’t think I’d feel terribly upset if they passed away, but I’d probably feel bad that they died before becoming better people.

Thank you for talking about it ❤

I am sorry for your loss Dana. We love you, please take care.

First to comment!!!!Dana that is perfectly fine if you don't want to talk to a parent that treats you poorly or manipulates you. Good for you! And um, sorry for your loss. I love your vids 💕

I understand the "dressing up as a woman" bc me putting on makeup an dresses make me feel like I'm in drag, even if I am a woman. It feels like a performance and feels just as icky if I were to dress up as a man. I just wanna be a person