Viewing Marriage and Long Term Relationships Through an Asperger's Lens

Asperger/Autism Network (AANE) is available for referrals, information and support. Contact us at 617-393-3824 or www.aane.org

[@juliehill5113]

My husband has very little emphathy or sympathy. He tries, but it doesn't come consistantly or naturally. He will only notice if I'm sad or depressed when it affects him negatively or the housework falls behind. As a newlywed, the times I cried, I would rarely get a hug. I would rarely get a hello, smile or kiss when I returned home in the evening.

[@kayhansen9229]

Please leave him don't torture yourself you deserve so much more. I've tried to be friends with a guy that I was with for a few months but I can't even be friends with him there's just nothing there.

[@melissadouglas570]

It’s interesting how different an AS female and NT male can look back over their long term relationship, responses to conflict and coping strategies within the marriage. It’s also interesting to watch this video 6 years and one DSM revision later. Due to all of the initial study participants being male, Autism diagnostic criteria were based on the male phenotype. Now it is increasingly recognized that a better diagnosis of females with this neurodevelopmental typology is based on phenotypical criteria relative to NT females. Many women have been lost or misdiagnosed using former diagnostic methods, leading to missed therapeutic opportunities earlier in development, and much worse has been the increased suicide rates in female autistics, after spending years masking, but never being quite able to “fit in.”

[@genevievepilz8549]

I'd love to see a video for people on the autism spectrum, showing them how to adapt to their partners' needs. The onus here is all on the 'neurotypical' to change, adapt, compromise. Why is that?

[@ivellios_]

Because we need you to tell us what you need. We don't pick up on subtlety, body language, or vocal cues. I feel like you may have not paid attention to any of the vids you may have watched. Give us a step by step instruction manual for you and we'll follow it to the letter.

[@genevievepilz8549]

@@ivellios_ You have answered my question for me, thank you.

[@flawedplan]

@@ivellios_ Don't give up on interpreting body language and vocal cues. These social skills can be learned. We are all learning them, life-long.

[@Alphacentauri819]

It’s unfortunate, and unfair...but we have the skills to adapt, learn and compromise more easily...so it becomes more on us. Often we are the ones hurt and frustrated at the lack of good relational communication. Therefore we often are the ones saying issues are occurring and it then falls on us to do more flexing, modifying to save the relationship. We have naturally more cognitive flexibility.... It’s very, very hard. I often feel very sad and alone in my relationship, with all the disconnecting behaviors.

[@lovemyalaskaful]

Agreed, teamwork makes the dream work!!

[@emmacheeseman4758]

I love my aspie partner to bits, sure we have our challenges, but I accept him for all he is. He has so many amazing qualities, is so loving in his own way, and I wouldn't change him for the world, we grow together and learn so much from and about each other. Admittedly I may have an advantage over some nt partners in that I'm a support worker and started my career in autism, I fell in love with autism and learned so much about the subject. Communication and patience is key. Hugs to you all

[@turtleanton6539]

Every couple had challenhes

[@recuperemoselperuconmarcel2892]

It keeps getting better and better with the Q&A...love it...

[@debranelson4024]

Marcel Gaston Ramirez La Torre , I agree. The question answer portion was very helpful.

[@iqbalabmiis]

Yess.. The Q&Asession really into the reality

[@jennyl3475]

The Q and A towards the end was amazingly helpful. I think we could have changed the format a little. Perhaps we could've had video of the people in the discussion in place of some of the slides. It would have added a more energetic vibe to this video. Thank you so much for having worked so hard on this. I'm giving it a like for great problem-solving tips.

[@user-qm1rw1ye5b]

Great content and very helpful. Presenters need to get it together! Reading to people with ZERO inflection is off-putting and patronizing at best! Shane on you!

[@madamecurious]

The presentation was good, in my opinion!

[@hereagain8344]

I have found by chance 2 years ago changing to a ketogenic diet has increased my level of consciousness considerably

[@Anthony-sn9kl]

Same

[@carolinelaronda4523]

I remember when I went keto I could think so much more clearly too . I just couldn’t do it long term bc it created a problem with gram negative bacteria creating too much of a burden for my liver . I have MTHFR and I’m compound heterozygous for it so .. ugh I just can’t continue . It was heaven at first . Stopped peeing all night too .

[@madamecurious]

@@carolinelaronda4523 , I always felt sick on the Keto diet, especially after eating meat and eggs. I switched to a Plant Based Diet and feel so much better. If you can, please try it for 21 days. I cut out meat, dairy, sugar, coffee and gluten. After 2 years now I can tolerate a “cheat” day once in a while and eat pizza :) But not meat or poultry. I hope you will try it!

[@hg3895]

Autism is linked to leaky gut. Any diet that helps heap leaky gut will help. Also iodine helps

[@mikewizoski7593]

Thank you for sharing

[@kasspriscilla9350]

For me it can be frustrating sometimes to deal with somebody who has this and sometimes you get impatient and I know you have to have a lot of patience and you have to be neutral and Pacific and you have to stay calm and if you feel stressed it's better to set boundaries and take some time out having alone time and recharging is necessary because they can stress you out and I am learning about this and it's new to me because I have a neighbor that I do care about and I learned that she has high-functioning autism she is smart witty a good cook fixated on Pacific activities and Pacific discussions that she likes to talk about and the discussions always resent her back to her so she can't have a normal conversation but I understand that and I'm patient do make my communications she hears me and acknowledges it but brings a conversation back to her sometimes I have to give her the signal that I have to get going and I will talk to her later thank you so much for sharing I have a lot to learn about this

[@recuperemoselperuconmarcel2892]

This video has been extremely useful for me. I don't have a diagnosis but it feels so close to what we actually experienced. I hope this could help us restore our marriage ...we are separated at the moment.

[@judieg.7945]

Good luck, I'm sorry.

[@melindasauer8967]

So helpful to know that you aren’t alone

[@iqbalabmiis]

THANK YOU FOR THIS SHARING!!! i've been watch other sharing related to Aspie.. and this sharing are so much on point on what happen in my marriage as i suspected as Aspie

[@er6730]

Is there a way to explain that physically being in the room, but then being busy with laptop or phone, is not the same thing as spending time with the family? He says, "I'm available! Just ask me to do something", but if the children want to chat or need something, or if I have a passing thought that I would like to share, he is so mentally absent that we just don't involve him. This means that all of the childcare is on me, unless I specifically ask for something. And I try not to ask, because he's so tired all the time. And the kids see that he doesn't care about details of their day, so they all want to tell me. Often all at the same time. While I'm trying to make supper. He doesn't get to see or hear the funny and charming parts of family life, only the emergency, 'mommys going to lose it if she doesn't get a break' moments. I'm sad for him missing out, and I'm sad for my children missing out on a relationship with their father, and personally, I'm completely exhausted! (And also offended by his seeming apathy towards his amazing children, how can he not want to spend time with them? I know he loves them, and can be amazing with them, especially when teaching them something that he's interested in.)

[@CloudsandRainbows2011]

Hi E.R. I love your heart for your kids and I’m sorry you are in this situation. I’m an aspie wife and I”m like your husband; unable to give my kids a lot of emotions (my husband potty trained all 3 kids, they go to him for am and pm routine and if they get an owie and need a bandaid they always go to dad). I had no idea I was incapable of doing these things until the demand was put on me. For me I only have so much energy and unfortunately it can go quickly; parenting is so much harder than I ever imagined. Being verbal exhausts me and often I’d rather be in the room with someone but not talk to them (even hearing others talk can be too much). I have so many words in a day and after that I just can’t get anything else out; its too overwhelming. I would first start to find the good things that he does with the kids and talk to him about that. Maybe you can ask him what he likes to do with the kids and make that happen. Also be sure to talk sweetly about the kids around him so he can be reminded that they are wonderful miracles and a gift and blessing to be around. When its my night to put the kids to bed I play an online book (5-10 minutes) and maybe I will read one small book or just try talking to them. Maybe he is into games or puzzles and he could do that while you prepare dinner. Or maybe have 3 nights that he spends special time with them by doing a special popcorn party with a video game. Start small and encourage him often. Overtime if he sees your belief in him as a dad then he will believe it too. I fortunately understand my weakness but if he doesn’t then instead of pointing it out I would just try small things to include and encourage him. Don’t expect too much out of him but focus on what he likes and start there. If he likes video games get the kids to play with him. Find out more about what excites him and what zaps his energy. It could be that the kids talking all at once is too overwhelming and he is not capable of dealing with all that energy. I don’t have the answers but I can appreciate how you feel and I wish you the best. You sound like a wonderful mother and I do believe your husband is capable of being of being a good father but it might take some effort on your part and it might not be what you originally thought it would be. My husband has low expectations of me and it really helps me feel not pressured. Unfortunately he has given up a lot due to my style of parenting but he focuses on the kids because he knows he is capable of It and if I were to do it then we all end up miserable and the kids too (shouting, yelling and anger). He wants a calm house so he works extra hard to teach me this along with the kids. So I understand you are working even harder and I commend you for asking this question. Best wishes

[@kathy2888]

Interesting. I learned something

[@rhydonniamartinez5841]

What is the bell sound it’s super annoying hard to listen for that reason alone

[@maddscientist3170]

It is part of the slide show software program

[@cervenyfirst]

Since this seems to originally be a webinar, i imagine it is notification that people are joining

[@miffy2760]

Maybe it’s a special Aspergers bell 🔔

[@nexusSix_237]

So is that annoying page turning sound . Ughh

[@ruialexandre6197]

@@maddscientist3170Addin Powerpoint soundeffects - the worse choice you can make on a presentation.

[@mascaretllcmanager7481]

Not just the bell sound (? Incoming mail), but the page turning is terrible. The mic must be super sensitive. That said, overview is paced and organized

[@madamecurious]

1:12:13 don’t go into long monologs; keep discussions short

[@abdulmunim007]

I have actually read the book by dr eva!!! The biggest dilemma is...how does one convince the person with Aspergers if they decide to live in denial????

[@jeffwalsh3591]

Thats a hard one. I feel like I have the opposite problem. I'm about 85% sure I'm on the spectrum and have no issues talking to my SO about it. The problem I'm running into is that she's skeptical about all of it. Says she can definitely see some of the traits but doesn't think I fit the profile (her some is on the spectrum and is leaning heavily on that experience)

[@madamecurious]

50:06 Meds to help with anxiety, OCD etc

[@cynthiavaughn1317]

I found this very helpful!

[@madamecurious]

50:07 therapy and medication

[@NoNamesLeft0102]

24:46 Is there any sort of list of psychiatrists who specialize in Aspergers? Because I've only encountered two professionals in my province (Manitoba) who even knew what it was, let alone it's adult presentation.

[@user-dm6jy5jr9o]

Some are available for telehealth visits if not in your vicinity. Tony Atwood and Michele Garnett have online courses for specifically neurodiverse couples that are very practical and helpful. Based in Australia but available online

[@madamecurious]

Check out Mark Hutton’s videos here on KZbin. I am learning so much from him!!

[@Losers01]

Thank you! 💜

[@THERetiredHomeskoolMomma]

This is us👆🏾

[@janedoh123]

Dee Sweatt I think this sounds like my Ghanaian partner we have a baby whose 6 months old I am in UK The the way we met was odd in itself through an on line game He’s younger than I am and he doesn’t need financial support He love bombed me at the beginning it was friendly text and getting to know one another after about 6 months he told me how that had fallen for me I didn’t know what he looked like but he did me I’d never heard his voice or he mine He love bombed me and told me that I was the woman that he knew he was going to be with He wanted me to have a child with me he is distant except when we’re together he is like a smitten kitten I’m white older and was a single mother before we had a child I feel like I am very lonely and feel like a separate part of his life

[@derekwfrazier]

Run my dudes

[@rose-ke6gg]

Impossible there is something wrong but he has developed a way he lives that is ok! He mostly works every night all the time he wont really go anywhere shopping is extreme feels more military than enjoyable he looks edgy in shops looks like his racing gets home repeats same process which is same tv programmes same beer then sleep not long sleep then work then home then beer then same programmes then sleep then work and repeat this formula works for him only thing is a monthly shop he wont see anyone about it he doesnt want to

[@turtleanton6539]

You can online shop😊

[@MikeWilliams-yp9kl]

What needs? What friends? 1:17 ish.

[@turtleanton6539]

😊😊😊😊

[@mahnazsaebi8132]

Thanks

[@LL-gf6dr]

Oh my god... That was my parents' story ... almost to the letter.

[@turtleanton6539]

Ouch😅😅😅

[@LetsPlaywithDDae]

I only made it 27 minutes in because that story was kind of unfair. It paints the picture of a person with Asperger's not caring at all and it's up to the NT to do all the work. To me it sounds like Sally is too callow. If Joe thinks he is doing everything right, then he wont see a reason to change. Show him he made a mistake and he might be upset, but if there is love, he will change his "formula" for the better.

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

Let's Play with D_Dae sally Does have to do all the relationship work. Joe does get upset if asked to change ANYTHING. Its so much work and difficulty, you have no idea. Not finishing the video is a demonstration of that. Joe spend life in his internal world, avoiding. Sally is abandoned everyday bc Joe needs a mother figure.

[@LetsPlaywithDDae]

​@@firefeethok_tui2355 If Joe actually has aspergers then he does not need a mother figure. The change in routine causes massive amounts of stress but if there is love and awareness, he will try and change. If he does not or can not, then they are better off with other people. Love keeps people trying though. In this situation, Sally needed to be strong and give Joe the awareness that he needs to change. She does not, she pretends that everything is fine. Why would someone purposefully do something unpleasant if not required to? If it's not broke, don't fix it.

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

Let's Play with D_Dae some of them refuse to accept there is a problem with THEM. They cat change or improve what they refuse to acknowledge. Some resport to blaming for all the social disasters. If they become self aware, thats a different story.

[@LetsPlaywithDDae]

Fire Feet Hok_Tui Most people with Aspergers know the problem is with them. It sounds like you are trying to apply this to NT men or worse, men closer to NPD. I am assuming that there exists love and hope between these two in the story and with that assumption, the key issue was a lack of communication. I do not wish to argue this point anymore however, this thread is bringing me down. I will leave this comment up for an hour or so and then delete it.

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

Let's Play with D_Dae sorry you’re feeling down. They do know. Correct. But some won’t admit. Possible NPD. But doubtful based on the quirks. Some have learned coping and it involves deflection. It’s just the way they chose to do it. I also don’t wish to argue. I feel bad they have an issue that causes pain. Super sad

[@stephanied9629]

Long term relationships/marriages with Asp partners are HELL Runnnnnn

[@moonriver4275]

And it is very rare that you will get your needs met, especially your emotional need. Also, they have difficulty understanding reciprocity. It's all one-sided and draining.

[@user-dm6jy5jr9o]

This is about the one you picked, not all aspies. What you’re saying to the rest of us who do care is that we are worthless. It’s not all about you or your relationship.

[@moonriver4275]

@@user-dm6jy5jr9o First of all, are you referring your reply to stephanie D, or myself?

[@stephanied9629]

@@user-dm6jy5jr9o bless your heart.

[@user-dm6jy5jr9o]

@@moonriver4275 first commenter. I don’t think you are off base, I can only imagine how difficult it is if the autistic partner is not willing to participate in a solution, but there are many of us working as hard as we can to meet our partners in the middle.

[@somethingspecific3619]

9:28

[@bluevireo425]

Sick of It...can't wait to be delivered from this world.

[@eduardowallace4715]

There will be a lot more joy and brightness along your journey, so try to stay strong through the dark difficult times

[@bluevireo425]

@@eduardowallace4715 Thank you for your kind words...God Bless you, you lifted my heart.

[@kayhansen9229]

@@bluevireo425 I know how you feel sometimes I'm tired of it too tired of the struggle and worry.

[@NathanSmith-fb5ol]

Some of the comments here about it not being worth being married to someone with aspergers are really fucked up. Screw you if you're not willing to accept the things that your partner cannot, not will not but CAN NOT, help. Your husband is better off without you anyway if that's your stance.

[@QueenofMarine]

I agree!! I am happily married to an Asperger's spectrum partner! I wouldn't change a thing about him because the Asperger's is what makes him unique and interesting and I adore how he sees and understands the world. He has taught me so much. If you are expecting an Asperger's partner to be the same as an NT partner then, of course, you will be disappointed. But if you take them as they are and open yourself up to learning how to communicate and connect in a way that works, you can have a happy and healthy partnership. Just like anyone else.

[@grandremovals7606]

A psychopath can’t change does that mean people should stay with him and wait to be murdered ?

[@mischiefmanaged8275]

You either have aspd or never had to live with one it gets dangerous they honestly don't have your emotions in mind ever an if you bring it up there's the potential of a psychic episode that could result in you both being physically hurt it is emotionally taxing on top of them not being emotionally supportive is a huge issue ssssoooooo

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😊

[@derekwfrazier]

😂

[@racebiketuner]

I can't watch this because of the poor sound quality. Please take this into account when making videos for the ND community. TIA for your consideration.

[@bugsmama4401]

What if they don't even admit that there's something wrong?I guess their partner is just $#/+ outta luck huh?!They will go their whole life knowing that their soulmate will never recognize them as theirs,sad......

[@karenfisher1111]

Agree. Try having two undiagnosed parents with this affliction and growing up knowing your emotional needs are a burden. As a kid I grew up feeling unloved, unwanted. I was a huge burdeon for being born. My mom locked my brother overnight in a car when he was one year old because he cried. She told me this story and laughed and said she did it because they were sharing a bed and he put his "big diaper butt in his face and was crying so she got no sleep". She rattled off the story as if doing him harm was totally fine, as long as her needs were met. She returned to get him the next day he was stuck in between the bucket seats and seemed to cry all night long. She thought it was funny his face was red. She did not think it was wrong he had been stuck alone all night in a cold car overnight. I have 10,000 stories like this. We all suffer and it sucks.

[@youtubeaccount6934]

@@karenfisher1111 I’m so sorry to hear about what you had to go through. 🥺 I hope you find all the healing you need! ❤️

[@derekwfrazier]

Agreed