We Don't Want Children. - Childfree Marriage

[@aubriegrimm3373]

I click on any and every childfree video because so few people are willing to speak about it

[@thenextrung]

For Real🙂

[@GillianMulholland]

AGREE!!! So hard to even find people to talk about it. I did a video on it.

[@lauraelisee]

Me too lol

[@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel]

Imagine all of your sisters and friends have children and you are Childfree! And everyone in your circle and your whole country wants to have children. We feel like we are alien haha.

[@natural3362]

Don't worry. In 2040, almost everyone will talk about it

[@stefanalbu4143]

i don't want kids either. I like the freedom to do what i want and i see having kids take that freedom and happiness from me

[@beasworld5155]

I know that I have one when I was 19 I didn't think well about having my daughter and I regret so much it's stress depression also you have to look out for the child because in this world we have alot of rapist .. sorry for my english

[@beasworld5155]

And I would never have another one

[@natural3362]

@@beasworld5155 you're smart

[@beasworld5155]

@Dede August I was young that time I didn't know what I was doing I wasn't on birth control

[@beasworld5155]

@Dede August to be honest its hard

[@deeporter7369]

As a 66 year old woman who decided in my 20's to remain childfree.... I have no regrets at all. I am married for over 30 years, have a loving relationship, close friendships and lots of social interests. It's ok to decide either way......I am just grateful that I had the choice to decide for myself. Many women in other societies don't get to decide..it is expected or they are not valued.

[@vanessaandxander]

So well said, Dee. We feel the same way - that every woman and couple should be able to decide what is best for them. Thank you for sharing!

[@bobmarker6812]

I knew @ 17 I didn't want kid's. Now almost 60 - life is GREAT! A lot of people my age are financially bailing out their grown kids and/or raising grandkids.

[@vanessaandxander]

That's awesome ❤️

[@bobmarker6812]

@@brothertn708 I'm very happy and enjoy a daily 1 1/2 hour brisk walk.

[@bg6358]

@@brothertn708 why are you so invested in other people having kids?

[@bobmarker6812]

@@brothertn708 Yup, too many irresponsible people having kid's.

[@bg6358]

@@brothertn708 Okay so if they're "nice and responsible" (which indicates they generally make good decisions) why are you not trusting/judging their decision to not have kids? You know, a lot of people who aren't nice have become that way through bitterness... through having to live a stressful life for others and not being able to put themselves first. Maybe they think it's irresponsible to have kids on an already overpopulated planet. Maybe, like me (and evidently you from your comment) they think the planet is a mess and don't want to bring their children into suffering. If you really feel this planet is a mess I hope you didn't bring innocent kids into this depressing world.

[@lunamaharuni]

2 of my 3 daughter's chose not to have children. My 22 and 27 year old daughters say no to kids. My oldest daughter 31 has 3 children. I've noticed there are so many people 30 and younger choosing not to have kids. It's fine with me. It's not just a 18 year commitment but a lifetime.

[@lunamaharuni]

Ps I work in a health care center for the elderly. I have met a few women over my time there in their 70s and 80s who made a conscious decision not to have children.. They traveled, lived life to the fullest, had wonderful relationships and regret nothing.

[@nycsp]

You are a cool parent!

[@charmainewalker8627]

Exactly and the truth is what no one is saying is that parenting is just not for everyone. I just do not think I was meant to be a mother and I think that is refreshing when someone can arrive at decision of being brutally honest with themselves

[@TheRachag]

It’s okay not to have kids. They should invest in children because they are the future. As long as they contribute to some way of children having a successful future. Because they will live in a future with fewer young people and that generation needs all the help they can get.

[@can.du.8116]

When you look at the generation that were born in the 1980’s and after you will find many of the SAME decisions and life choices. Prior to this many of us just enjoyed living. Not focusing on everything in life that can add so much stress ALL at the same time. It’s these generations that we see today that have the issues that we’re seeing today. They are not as strong as the generations that came before them and it’s affecting every area of their lives. Good luck to them in their quest to get everyone in the world on the same page.

[@sylmanyeki9323]

Im 40 and childfree. Im not really fond of babies. I like kittens and puppies

[@not-even-german4892]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@kvietimas]

I join your club 😁

[@naturecreep8811]

I like them from a position I can flee and give them back to their mums Haha

[@andywatson7994]

I am 41 and child free as well. My wife and I just have enough money to pay for our mortgage and insurance and bills. We just can’t afford to have kids.

[@MichiySqueaks]

I'm almost 40, and I'm with ya 😺

[@vlogsbytunah9301]

I am married and do not want have kids too. It should be ok , but the Society is full of judgmental people..

[@nomg563]

Judgment in a lot of cases is projection. There are a lot of unhappy parents who wished they did not procreate that hate on those who are CF. I have never heard happy, fulfilled parents care so much about other people's life decisions surrounding children. They are too busy enjoying their lives to do that. Always give the side-eye to those who have the audacity to question a decision that is none of their business. And yes, it's more than okay.

[@flowers8442]

@@nomg563 Truth!!!!! I would like to be married someday and never have kids. I Do not want kids ever.

[@terrasamiddha7024]

Actually stupid society. This world is blind.

[@zoltanwilson4277]

@@flowers8442 Same here, Dude.

[@kikikiki3216]

Gilr I see so many people looking unhappy with their children. No rest etc..

[@stela_solar]

My aunt had a staggering 10 children and it didn't prevent her husband from leaving her for a childfree mistress when their children were all very young (from 16 to 2). So for those out there who think that children prevent a divorce: forget it! 🥀

[@skadi6750]

I was an ensurance against divorce myself. Mum used to told me that as a joke, but I am pretty sure its actually true. The asshole left mum a year later for a friggin teenager anyway. Now mum struggles to understand, why I might have zero interest in parenthood:-D

[@harakatidi8722]

No they don't prevent a divorce, but remember that this woman still has her kids. What if they were a childfree couple and the husband suddenly decided in his 40s or 50s that he wants kids and left her for a younger woman? Remember that men can have kids at older ages

[@T.C556]

Being selfish or self centered is part of human nature. Why should you be vilified for wanting to enjoy your wealth and time without the demands of parenthood? Not everyone has what it takes to be good parents. Live your truth.

[@TheRachag]

Because as they age they will benefit off of other peoples sacrifice of raising kids. They will be the adults running the infrastructure. They still need to find a way to invest in the children’s future because there will be less people to maintain the infrastructure.

[@swolfe9668]

it is NOT selfish to NOT have kids

[@tiffanypollard8621]

Tbh what's more selfish than wanting kids. Lol. I mean you're not doing a baby any favours by bringing them into this world. It's really a selfish decision because you want a child. Lol... it's really all about the parent's desire to raise a child...which is inherently selfish. I mean if you really wanted a child why not just adopt or foster right? So you should tell them that the next time they try to shame you about having kids

[@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel]

Been married for 15 years and Childfree in the Philippines, it's so sad that we feel alone in this movement.

[@thecelticdruid.6681]

Because it's a very unpopular decision, childfree are statistically the minority!!

[@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel]

@@thecelticdruid.6681 yup so as rich people.

[@thecelticdruid.6681]

@@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel We're not rich, we don't need to be, we have our children, worth far more than money.

[@FloNisChildfreeLifeChannel]

@@thecelticdruid.6681 what I meant was Childfree are like rich people we are both the minority!

[@charmainewalker8627]

We are not alone . It’s just that with social media more ppl are speaking out and we should find our voice. Thank you

[@laurennasuti2817]

Thanks guys, my husband and I don’t want kids either, going on 10 years of marriage, and fully content and happy without kids.

[@cak8132]

It’s none of anybody’s business if you have kids or not. That’s totally up to the couple. I’d much rather see people make a conscious decision not to have kids than to cave in and have children because they think it’s “expected” of them. I knew in my early 20s I didn’t want kids. I’m much older than that now and I’ve never regretted that decision.

[@theMermaidRhonda]

It's so nice to see others talking about being childfree. My husband and I have been together nearly thirty years, married for twenty-six and have no kids and we're really happy. I wouldn't change that for anything.

[@davelinsalata8012]

Lol. You're lying

[@beaulieuc8910]

Great to hear from more CF couples. I have never wanted kids, I love my freedom and at the end of the day, they are just a hobby. It is not necessary to have kids. Also there is still a risk of being killed in childbirth too ,it is just isn't worth the risk. My relative was killed with her 3rd kid. It kind of instantly puts you off at the first hurdle, she was just 26, iMy and my boyfriend like to spend time doing meaningful things such a campaigning and voluntary work.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for sharing! I'm so sorry to hear about your relative.

[@thecelticdruid.6681]

They are more than a hobby, they are actually a full time commitment, not slavery as some child free say.!!! Children are a life time, not some past time hobby.!!!!

[@raleemay]

I like kids but don’t care for babies. 😂 I don’t think they’re cute, sorry. I find my friends babies to be cute, probably because I have an emotional connection to them. But most babies are a turn off. I find puppies and kittens to be cuter.

[@nickb329]

Sameee! Idk why

[@aliengod2039]

Coz 7,897,738,736 +++ humans on this planet. So, cuteness and specialness depreciates to almost 0 in such an overcrowded world.

[@Soundoverload]

Lucky for you they grow up

[@MALXCX]

You need help

[@sunnysherrill9729]

Sometimes I feel stuck. There are days I want them, and other days I don’t.

[@shashwatmishraalumni4918]

The world is getting harder and worse day by day And you cannot change the world for your children if you're not a rich person

[@flowers8442]

@@shashwatmishraalumni4918 This is one of the things people need to consider prior to having kids. The world is already getting worse daily. Covid has made this clear worldwide that with this pandemic & more are just the beginnings of sorrow.

[@gazagxrlx2974]

Wanting children is a biological urge. That's actually different from wanting !!

[@lizb4156]

@@gazagxrlx2974 No it isn't.

[@gazagxrlx2974]

@@lizb4156 Yes it is !!

[@FloridaNative84]

Yeah I've never had baby fever..almost 36 yrs old..my husband and I are on the same page. Thanks for sharing your story.

[@aprilroel]

I see so many people saying "what's the point of marriage if you don't want kids" or Just acting like marriage is just for having kids I mean its their opinion but just don't say that in front of childfree married couple"s cause marriage is not just for having kids its about love and commiment to other people, but you're allowed to have an opinion.

[@ellewoods9396]

Marriage without kids is superb. We were able to retire in our 30s. We spend everyday as we choose. We can be spontaneous and have our own interest as well as spend quality time together. We also have the option to create foundations that will live on supporting the causes we desire. Life is great!

[@God.sDaughter]

I find it strange that the stigma, judgement and hatred towards those CF couples or women and men come from those who have children. 🙄😕🤷🏽‍♀️

[@vanessaandxander]

I wish it didn't have to feel like an "us vs. them" type of situation. We should all support each other in making the decision that feels right for each couple, and celebrate each other's decisions! Just because I don't personally want children doesn't mean I'm not THRILLED for my friends who do want kids!

[@God.sDaughter]

@4Trees But do you think it’s logical to attack a woman who is CF and insult her just because she is CF? I’ve never understood the logic with these particular individuals who attack and insult CF couples, women and men.

[@charmainewalker8627]

Misery loves company lol 😂. You know how many ppl I meet who are struggling and can barely make ends meet but tell me I am selfish and that I don’t know what I am missing. I telling I am ok with missing not being able to buy food or constant be worried financially .

[@ezramgabriel6822]

Maybe they see it as questioning their choice to have kids.

[@charmainewalker8627]

@@ezramgabriel6822 I guess so ,though that isn’t the case. 😃

[@Foxie635]

Same here. When I die, I will smile because I "made it" through the maze without burdening someone that did not have a choice to be born.

[@Gauntlet1985]

I'll be blunt... I'm a single, never married 49 year old male... I never once in my life had any desire to be a dad... Years went by, the world has become a crap place... Now more than ever, I'd never want to raise a child in the society today.... As for marriage, it would have been nice years ago if I met someone special, but that never happened.... At 49, I feel like what's the point of dating and marriage.... I've got my work, my passions, hobbies.... I see no point of marriage, or kids.

[@elisscaliving4776]

Good on you

[@muhamedjones122]

My decision to not have kids always overlaps my decision to have kids.

[@charmainewalker8627]

You are fine. You don’t need to get married if it’s not for you. You can have a companion travel and live life how you want. I have many male friends who are successful and are not married or have children and don’t want them. Like you I felt the same way. I am 52 and I am a teacher and the more I see the world the more I knew I made the right choice to not have kids and I also do not want married. I know many ppl who have companions or lifelong partners that live separately because they do not want to live together. Live your life how you want. Best of wishes

[@Sona77.]

Thank you for sharing! Glad you are able to continue your passions and hobbies

[@lifewithjown]

In my country not having kids is not talked about. I also asked my guy friend if he knows anyone who doesn't want kids and he said 'no i never encountered one, having kids for a man is like an achievement and having kids is like having your own product that you are proud of.' glad to know that there are men who doesn't want kids.

[@kvietimas]

Oh my, thank you. It feels so liberating to hear you speak about it. I love what you said that every child deserves to be actively wanted. That's the highlight of my day. AND, people, if you have kids really don't think they will be the ones to take care of you during your golden years. I work with elderly and sadly see that every day, that quite often those kids are just too busy with their own lives.

[@vanessaandxander]

We're so glad this video hit home, Tina!

[@prettyblackgirl1253]

Not enough people consider the environmental strain and damage caused by having kids. Thank you guys

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks!

[@kofiduku934]

Kids are so overrated in the society

[@CW-ri1ug]

Thank you for sharing this. I was in the middle, leaning towards not wanting kids. Husband leaning towards wanting kids. Husband got a new job he truly enjoys, but will be away from home a lot. He decided it’s not fair to me and the child. And the job I’m trying to get into isn’t good for rearing children either. My current job isn’t ideal for raising children time wise anyway. Also found out I have health factors that increases my risk of miscarrying by 50%. And also I take longer to clot. So bleeding out is a true risk my OBGYN is concerned about. We both decided we’d rather not take the risk. The idea of having children wasn’t worth me dying.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for sharing!

[@ennajean20]

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I couldn't agree with you more... That all children deserve to be 100% wanted. I respect your courage in sharing exactly where you're at and opening up the discussion for those who may think similarly/challenge those who haven't yet made a decision on this yet.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you so much, Erena! Your support means so much ❤️

[@roahir]

Little late to the party but so glad more people speak up about this topic.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you :)

[@rosep5502]

As someone who works in elderly care, having children unfortunately does not guarantee that you won't be lonely. I've had patients who have 3 children who have all ended up living abroad, or half way across the country. There are lots of older people who maybe see their older kids once a year. Nothing is guaranteed.

[@saneill17]

Am I the only one who feels sad when people you know announces they’re pregnant? I feel bad for feeling disappointed, I know I should feel happy but I always feel this deep sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m not really sure why...is it because I feel like I’m losing another player for my team and eventually I’ll be standing on the childfree side by myself? Is it because I feel sad for the things they may not accomplish in life and missed opportunities because they are choosing to have a child? Is it because they still feel too young in my mind to be taking on such a big responsiblility because I can’t imagine ever feeling ready for that? (Even though they’re definitely old enough and capable enough when I actually think about it). I’m not really sure, but am I alone in feeling this way?

[@dorothyallen2478]

Omg I get the same way!

[@vanessaandxander]

People who decide not to have kids face a lot of judgment, so I think it makes sense to want to have people on your "team". Ultimately, our goal is to encourage everyone to make the decision that feels best for them!

[@LostinFantasyx3]

I do too! I get sad for all of these reasons. Then question why they are doing this!

[@Harunna25]

Hey! It had happened to me several times too. Even tho in my case is not that I feel or think they are missing on some opportunities, I just feel more like "Dang, bye bye to our friendship as it was prior to you becoming a parent". like I know it sounds bad, but I think is because I have seen some many of my friends say things like: "Nothing will change" "we will forever be the same" and till today I haven't been able to get a single night out with them... Or a trip to just have some fun because you know: kids! They can't be alone or it cost too much for a nanny so it's never possible. They also have changed themselves, (always tired, busy, not interested in much different than "priority stuff" for their new roll) which I completely understand and respect, but yeah I wish I still had my friend who was so different before. But I feel deep inside I'm just sad to lose another friend and like you said to be alone in the childfree side with no one in my "team".

[@NaturalBohemia]

I also feel that way! I just think of that poor baby who will one day be a grown adult dealing with so much.

[@KatieM786]

Thank you! I have known since I was 9 years old that I didn't want children. I was lucky enough to meet a man who feels the same way. We have a lovely nephew and niece that we get to spoil, with another one due in 2021. I love our life and I don't want to be a parent.

[@vanessaandxander]

I can't WAIT to have a niece of nephew to spoil!!

[@nmleonval]

I am a 40-year-old Freshman college student. I have an English 101 class and am writing a 10-page research paper on why it is important to support couples who choose to be child-free. I am nervous about it but I am grateful that this is something that is being spoken about. It will be great when it is more socially normalized.

[@docbrown3139]

Been with my partner for 17 years and we don’t want kids. So tired of people telling me I’ll be sorry about my decision, my partners mother hates me for this reason and tells him to find someone else..

[@Childfree334]

My ex boyfriend was shocked when I kicked him to the curb because he changed his mind about wanting kids. No babies are coming out of this body EVER. Go make some other woman a baby mama.

[@splatitup6862]

It's Sunday and I'm watching this on my bed in peace. I'm going to take a nap afterwards. Couldn't have done that with kids!

[@sharnimaisey6890]

Good on you...I regret being a parent.I have mental health issues that I did not know about ( undiagnosed). May you stay as happy together as you are now and thoroughly enjoy your togetherness for ever.Not only partners fight over kids, in-laws and siblings also weigh in on issues. Life has enough challenges, yep this world is not a great place!

[@skadi6750]

I just want to send you a hug. I feel like you really need it:-)

[@jackcarraway4707]

Anyone who calls a childfree couple "selfish" are clueless. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I'm a guy and I'd rather come home from a long day at work to peace and quiet with my wife, not screaming kids. Life without kids is stressful, frustrating and expensive enough as is .Raising kids isn't for everyone.

[@richauntie316]

We could make a perfect fit 🙂

[@alicias2488]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you for your support, Alicia!! It's not easy being vulnerable in such a public way, but we feel that our message may resonate ❤️

[@laduralamayimba]

Just imagine my mother in law has 10 children is like she had one every year, i'm like how did she do it, i have 2 and i'm going crazy. I seriously don't blame you is hard having kids specially in times like this.

[@imogenoneill1017]

Wow this is me. I got married when I was 23, met my partner as a teenager at high school. I also assumed because we met young we would wait a bit and as I got older, the desire for a child would come. But now I am 32 and it still hasn't come. I don't think it will...and now we are both saying we don't actually want kids.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you for sharing, Imogen ❤️

[@kathleend8611]

Completely honestly-this was important for me to see as a woman who DOES have 2 kids and wants a 3rd but whose partner is done. You guys were able to get into more detail and were much more open about it than my husband is able to. It puts everything into better perspective for me because you were able to so gently and vulnerably express those feelings. P.s. I grew up with godparents who chose not to have kids. They got those judgements a lot back then but I always thought it was so awesome that they KNEW themselves enough to make that choice 👏

[@vanessaandxander]

I'm so glad you enjoyed! Thank you for the kind words!

[@lunamaharuni]

I had three children and always wanted a fourth. My husband said NO. I'm 50 now and still feel I was supposed to have a 4th child. Something .. Someone is missing .. I've come to terms with it.. But the feeling will always be there

[@Childfree334]

@@lunamaharuni I don't blame your husband. If he and 3 kids are not enough for you then tough. I would have left you for verbalizing such thoughts to me if I were a man.

[@lunamaharuni]

@@Childfree334 you're silly

[@Childfree334]

@@lunamaharuni No YOU are silly. What kind of woman can't be happy/satisfied with a husband and 2 children? That is a lot more than millions of other women have. Some people can't even have ONE, but you are STILL not satisfied with 2 healthy children. I wish your husband luck. 🙄

[@AnotherFontenot91]

I cannot thank you enough for making this video. It's the first one that I can actually relate to. The very few Childfree videos I have seen, the woman has known from a very young age that she didn't want kids or the classic career woman which is amazing but that wasn't me. Like you and your husband, we married very young and have been together since 2008. We both talked about having kids and wanted it but both agreed at a much later time. First it was after my husband got out the Marine Corps, then it was after he finished college, and then....we ran out of excuses to kick the stone down the road until we finally said "Is this what we want?" I love kids but like you Vanessa, I don't have that urge. My husband and I are happy to spend time with each other. We have 3 furbabies, love traveling and enjoy being financially stable. It's not completely off the table but we are fairly certain we will be a childfree couple. The only thing that breaks my heart is not giving my parents a grandbaby. Exactly as you said. I have always imagined surprising them with the announcement and picturing their faces. I hate that I and they would miss out on that but they have already assured us that they support our decision. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long ramble. It's just so good not to feel alone in such a huge decision. Thank you for being so open.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you SO much for sharing ❤️

[@brave_dreamer652]

It's only your life and your decision I guess!)

[@JB-kx9bx]

My wife and I have been on the fence since we got married 3 years ago. 2020 has not made us move towards wanting to have kids.

[@sonderexpeditions]

There's also a small community called "one and done". For parents who just want one child. Being a fence sitter is a challenge.

[@saneill17]

The one thing I cannot wrap my head around is when we get called selfish for not wanting kids. What is selfish about it? It’s just a life choice. And if they mean I’m selfish for not giving up my freedom and happiness to care for another person, then they should tell anyone who chooses to not work in nursing or aged care they’re selfish too lol. My best guess if that they’re subconsciously envious of our freedoms without children and are using their personal sacrifice to justifying their decision. Whether they admit that or not. But luckily it’s only a few people that will call childfree people selfish. Most parents are pretty chill and understanding about making your own decision for your own life and body.

[@saneill17]

Also, the “who’s going to look after you when you’re old” argument is so strange to me because I’d never expect anyone to look after me...I’d even feel bad being in a nursing home lol. I’ll be that stubborn old lady in her flat refusing to go into care 😂

[@vanessaandxander]

Totally agree... I don't understand how it's selfish either!

[@Lisa102050]

This is such a thoughtful, articulate, loving video. It was great!

[@melissastrong8737]

Thank you, Vanessa and Xander, for your openness and honesty with yourselves, each other, and others. The world would be a better place if we all followed your example of rigorous self-examination, honesty about our wants and needs, and open communication with partners.

[@vanessaandxander]

Wow, thank you so much for those kind words, Melissa. It means so much to receive support on such a sensitive topic!

[@majorpuggington]

I work with the elderly. A lot of them are blessed by their progeny, but a considerable number are quite burdened by them. Every couple's calling is unique. There is no size that fits all.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@sumibordoloi2000]

I want to be childfree...my husband too

[@jamisona.5639]

Another aspect of not having children is the womens body being so affected afterwards.

[@mafepa]

It’s not an obligation...AMEN!

[@taylorreneeyt]

You hit it on the head with “every child deserves to be deeply wanted.” My boyfriend has a daughter and we don’t want any more children! You wouldn’t believe how many people try to convince me I will want some “of my own”. It seems weird to people that I just simply don’t have the desire! But that’s really the only reason I need.

[@evaramirez879]

“We’re crazy” 😂😂😂😂😂 I ❤️ it! My husband and I are super tight and Are always together. We genuinely like hanging out with each other and don’t want to have kids. We ❤️ our life!! 🙌🏽

[@Mackgracee]

I am still young (25) but I always wanted kids growing up. My best friend had a baby when we were 21 and I had such baby fever. However, I am so happy that I let that pass and my partner and I did not try to have one ourselves. It’s crazy how your thoughts can change so much. I know We still have time to change our minds but for now it is a no from us. I love that I can spoil my best friends son. Our parents have always been “when r u having babies” “I can’t wait to be a grandma” but just last month my mom made a comment that she is knows she might not have grand babies from my partner and I and I was very grateful that she will be stopping with the “when r u having babies” question. Lol.

[@sarahg9632]

Kids were never appealing to me even when I was one. Hats off to you both for putting thought into whether or not you should have kids. This is something we should be taught to do, versus the current social romanticizing everyone loves to jump on board with...

[@akachovich]

Well said

[@christianfournier6356]

I know a man who has a job he’s not fully satisfied with, a hostile home life and no real direction. And now he’s expecting an unplanned child. I would call that far more immature than choosing a child free life.

[@hoctheravada]

I am adding another perspective into this discussion. This year, in March, my boyfriend’s father died from cancer at the age of 51 when his mother (my bf’s grandmother) still being healthy at her 90s. Watching her watching her only son fight cancer and eventually pass away is just an eye-opening experience in my life. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love, in this case your child die in front of you and you can’t do anything to help. Life is an endless vicious circle, birth - growing - sicknesses - death. And there is myriad of people during their time on Earth, they contribute nothing to this planet except more carbon footprints. As I turn to Buddhism this year as a conscious way of thinking and living my life. Let’s face it, the world is a mess right now, with left and right attacking each other, your kid will be born and brainwashed no matter how try you try to shield them from all the nonsense. What is the point of bringing up a person and later on telling them not to trust everyone because many of the people out there are evil. You kid would be thinking “then the hell why you brought me to this world when you already know how ugly it is?” So not having kids not does only just benefit your marriage life but it also the most benevolent choice that you make for your unborn baby. I cannot choose to be born, but certainly I can choose what best for the world and my never existed child.

[@inshanity84]

"I am adding another perspective..." Proceeds to agree with all the posted comments haha

[@InventiveFilms]

Yeah their are also people that die alone without family around. So I guess at the end of the day their are pros and cons.

[@goddessreverierosehawthorn3724]

Lovely video. My husband and I are getting pressure from his family as they would be first time grandparents. But they have 5 other children lol. They’ll have to be patient. We’re just the first to marry. And at this point, I’d prefer adoption in 5 years or so if we decided to have kids. (Disappointing people is a given when you’re different.) If not....plenty of other life aspirations to tend to. It’s just not a do or die thing for us. Cheers, guys. :)

[@RUINEDxGIRL]

As someone who did want 2/3 kids. I now have 1 and don’t want anymore. Hated the baby fase and didn’t enjoy pregnancy that much. I got a lot of weird faces when I told people I happily brought him to daycare and love my own time. Even got the “but you do love him right?”. Yes I love him to death but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy every second or it’s not hard. He’s now almost 3 and it’s def easier now but the whole first year was horrible for me. People expect you to be this perfect parent and love every moment, but that’s not real life for me. Again. Love him to death but the first year def made me think like hell no to more kids. I totally get why people don’t want to have them and it’s completely your own choice. I don’t regret mine but that didn’t make it less hard. My son is def the highlight of my life and couldn’t imagine my life without him. But that isn’t the case for everyone and that’s okay too!

[@vanessaandxander]

Such a good point! Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@edgar22452]

Agreed

[@el-hp1lj]

People need to stop feeling pressured to have children if deep down you do not desire having them. don't have children! stop worrying about what other people think and live YOUR life YOUR way.

[@XTheSpartanX7]

Not having kids is my secret mission. If I ever came out and said it to my family or friends I'd be an outcast. My go to response is "it's something to think about" or "I like to live in the moment". No kids ever..... they aren't gonna know tho lol.

[@Mysteriuminiquitatis1998]

I guess after a certain period of time they’ll slowly start to realize. I guess it’ll be a slow burn for them lol. Tough luck for them, you’re doing what’s best for you and I think that’s quite alright.

[@sigmasiren7]

The world is getting too uninhabitable to have kids anyway, and so many ppl already don’t even want to be here.

[@Affluent-Ghetto-Blackman]

@@sigmasiren7 Because the world sucks bro. A bunch of racist religious fanatics who would rather burn the world down than educate themselves. Corrupt governments. Economics and infrastructures on the brink of collapse. We’ve failed.

[@juliadejong1]

Wow, thank you for sharing. This is such a taboo subject and people get so uncomfortable to thank you for holding the space. If I heard this 10 years ago I was in such a different space and wasn't open to exploring this topic. For someone who is having unexplained infertility struggles this sure does open my eyes to having more of these open conversations and I commend anyone who is as open and honest to choosing not have children. Not just being one sided in the conversation either having both Pro's and Con's to this topic. Thank you.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you for watching and sharing your experience ❤️

[@smar4433]

Having to weigh this up myself... but I like my life and don't fancy further stress and less money...

[@jacquelinewood5023]

I just found this video and it has given me such a sense of relief that I have been desperate to find. The way that the two of you explain your reasons for not wanting children as far as to simply say, you lack the desire to have a baby, has supported every feeling that I have in a loving, understanding, and empathetic way. I have struggled with this feeling of needing to have a solid decision, but feeling conflicted, because even though I feel I do not want children, I am terrified and saddened by the decision, which therefore makes me question the choice I’ve made for myself. Thank you both so much for putting this in such an empathetic and enlightening way! You have done so much for me in this 17 minute video compared to the sessions I’ve had in counseling trying to figure this out.

[@vanessaandxander]

We are so glad to help! - Team V&X

[@chelseachelsea465]

Hi. I don't want children either. I hear you!

[@moiralove]

I think this is a great, open and honest discussion about your decision, and I really appreciate your sharing on such a vulnerable topic. At the same time, it would be really nice if there were an acknowledgment that having biological kids isn't the only way to become parents - there are all kinds of adoptive families, and a new child doesn't always even mean a new baby. So that desire for parenthood can look different for different people. It makes total sense that these would be your reasons if the route to parenthood you've always considered is biological, but I wonder if you could also help open the discussion for people who either aren't able to have biological children (e.g., same-sex couples, people with fertility challenges) or those who know they definitely don't want biological children but are still considering other routes to parenthood. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for the feedback! You're so right, it would've been great to acknowledge non-biological parenthood because that is the reality for SO many couples!

[@sng9846]

I really hope to find someone who isn't obsessed with having babies because I'm not too fond of the idea, I hope I won't have to have kids for the heck of it one day because my husband wants kids 🙄

[@1beefybroad]

Make that decision for yourself, and yourself only! If your future husband wants kids, maybe he’s not the right guy!

[@Childfree334]

@@1beefybroad I was going to say the same. Too many miserable women walking around on meds because they had kids for someone else. I guarantee you those same husbands don't even help out that much with the kids.

[@jaimea.9735]

Your relationship sounds so similar to the relationship I have with my husband. We also met super young in college, and had to navigate the “when/if we should have children” discussion. However, I will say that neither of us grew up feeling “drawn” towards children, and never felt that “baby intoxication” moment you guys are waiting for. Truthfully, I never liked anyone else’s kids. We made our decision to have kids based on what we wanted our future to look like. What did we want our holidays to look like? We decided we wanted the big, crazy, loud love that comes with children, and hopefully future grandchildren, and knew that would be fulfilling, even if we didn’t “long” to hold a baby in our arms at that moment. And let me tell you, we have two toddlers, and the overwhelming, all encompassing, LOVE is astounding. So don’t feel like you “need” to feel some biological response to crave the smell of a baby to know if you are ready - because you will still love that baby, if you choose to have one, regardless. If you choose to not have babies, that’s great! But I just wanted to share my experience in that sometimes not everyone has that seemingly natural “maternal/paternal” drive initially. I spent my entire first pregnancy terrified I wouldn’t love my baby as much as I loved my two dogs. But believe me when I say that love, and instinct, will come as soon as you see your baby’s face. Just my experience! Love you guys, and all that you share with all of us!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for sharing, Jamie!

[@Childfree334]

This whole post is complete nonsense. There are millions of people who regret having kids and even more women who felt nothing for their babies after giving birth. As a pediatric RN for the past 17 years I see firsthand parents who could care less about their babies and never bonded.

[@HouseWifey1]

I love you guys! I always thought I wanted children also but as I grew I realized it wasn't for me. I learned, being a millennial, that there is more than one path in life than just babies. My husband graduated as a materials scientist and I assumed we would start a family. It was when my husband asked me if I wanted to take a few months off of working to take care of the home and begin our life without kids. By the way, he never wanted them. He was always supportive of the idea that I would be the caretaker so it wouldn't affect him as much, he wanted to support any decision I made. I kept on putting off stopping working and I asked him one day, "What would happen if we didn't have kids?" He replied, "I'd be happier." I smiled. "Me too." I realized I didn't want to quit my job because my current life was one I loved and this theoretical one was a fantasy, not the reality of having kids. I also grew up taking care of a lot of kids and I feel like I've had this experience already. Now I am about to start nursing school, we launched a giving circle that we hope to turn into a 501c3 charity and we travel all around the country and hopefully soon the globe. I never once regretted the decision I made a year and a half ago and being almost thirty I have no desire to do anything else.

[@anavaleria8443]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I find myself nodding and agreeing with everything tha was being said. Especily loved the part where you guys share all the things you'are gonna be missing out. Really vulnerable and sweet ❤

[@vanessaandxander]

We're so happy you enjoyed it!

[@lorenalorena7078]

I agree. I never wanted kids and ended up having my son. I have him because my mom begged me to give her a grandchild. After I had him I got my ovaries removed. Even though I have my son who is a loving blessing.. I will never have another!

[@mish255]

As much as having a kid sounds cute I think it was kinda of selfish for your mother to make YOU have a kid all cause she wants grand babies. Although I know you love your son always make sure your happiness comes first. Much love to you ❤️

[@lorenalorena7078]

@@mish255 you really warmed my heart. You are appreciated. 😇

[@veroniquecastel9582]

What a very selfish thing of your mother to do. So gross that she dictated what you should do with your own body. Shame on her.

[@Childfree334]

@@veroniquecastel9582 I say shame on the OP for caving into her mother's pressure. She must be dependant on her mother financially or something, because all a grown ass woman has to do is say NO and cut her mother off. My mother would never have the audacity to do that to me because she would have gotten a nasty earful. I'm not carrying and birthing a baby no matter what anyone else wants or says.

[@amandaspaintinglessons9908]

I hope your mother paid for everything AND the kid's college wtf!

[@MrDakada]

The fact that you guys mentioned the environmental impact and what world your child would live in, touchs home because that's exactly how I feel and why I don't want to have kids. You guys definitely earned a sub! Alot of respect and I could only hope and wish to achieve a relationship like yours! Be happy, be healthy, and spread love ❤.

[@passivelyasking4825]

Kids would severly cut into the 3 most important aspects of my life. My time, my money, and my physical appearance. Call it selfish or superficial I don't particularly care. Im living my best life cause I only get one.

[@Presh_2023]

Hi, I'm a single woman and I chose not to have kids in africa, were by the society / tradition expect you to have a child. I'm grateful for your video. Thank you

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for watching. Glad you enjoyed it!

[@studyingeducation8438]

Right bow the economy is shit.

[@EarlLavenders]

Awesome. I agree, sex life is very important for me too. Could you do a video on birth control methods that one could use at the start of relationship, as well as in a long term relationship?

[@beckilou2800]

My parents really desired to have a Baby very much, and it finally happend with medical help after 10 years of trying. Only thing they wrote into my "Baby Book" at the question of how the first weeks have been was "chaotic". I think they suffered a lot with me being a nerve-wracking child. So I never found it appealing to me, to go that way.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you so much for sharing, Becki ❤️

[@T.C556]

How wonderful that you were desired so much by your parents. Mayhem and chaos and sometimes worse are part and parcel of parenthood.Some people can cope and even thrive under those circumstances. ♥

[@kellybird3367]

I can relate to this. I’m married and neither one of us have had the overwhelming desire to have kids. People think this was a simple decision but we’ve actually discussed it at length and really looked at pros and cons. We even took a look at our debt and our budget and our career situation so we could make the best, educated decision. We decided it wasn’t for us, and I feel like I’ll be spending a good amount of years defending that decision to nosey rude people who feel it’s appropriate to ask!

[@hallig6270]

This is such a well done video. You not only went over your reasons for not having children, but also included what you feel you’ll be missing out on. Thank you so much for this balanced video. Really helped me on my journey to decide whether I want kids or not!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you so much for the feedback! We're so glad this video helped you.

[@dergluckliche4973]

Wasn't even a discussion in my .marriage. Neither of us like or want kids.

[@lenzcliff6298]

Lucky you!

[@Nadine-bx2dg]

Unfortunately it's difficult to find people that don't want kids, specifically if you live in a Conservative area like mine...

[@chiemekaabiaka1480]

must be nice

[@darlenegoodwin6467]

I'm 54 single and in a relationship for 11 years . I knew I didn't want kids and never had the desire. I also had a hysterectomy in 2007. And my papy of 11 years has grown kids and grandchildren and great grandchildren. I don't see the need because I am happy in my life and I assure you that this is not the responsibility and sacrifice and money that I have to be responsible.

[@ThePoppyProjects]

I love how open and honest you both were about this topic. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing me and my husband. We feel the same exact way!

[@maecatalina3967]

Aww if you guys are happy that’s the most Important thing 🥰 nothing wrong with not having kids xx

[@stevenswiel8015]

You are correct and if people want a casual relationship is also fine

[@chinuainvayi]

You can always adopt when you feel that you want to have a kid! Love how understanding you guys are

[@ChildfreeFamily]

Thank you for opening up on this topic and sharing your personal stories. The childfree community needs more voices.

[@fatihanusrat5584]

This is incredibly beautiful. Thanks for sharing it!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for watching Fatiha!

[@prdwij1396]

im happy that you have found each other with same idea.♥️im so dissapointed that my boyfriend has been living with me thinking that i would change my mind with time.

[@topiesponja]

I agree with every single point, but as you said, it’s a blessing that both of you are on the same page and you can keep enjoying your beautiful relationship. The problem comes when one partner wants children and the other one doesn’t… to stay in the relationship one of the two will have to sacrifice their wishes. It’s tough.

[@freespirithippie6857]

Looking back, I am soooooo glad I didn't bring a child into this world. I've found better things with my time.

[@marcushoward6560]

Seriously. It is so strange when people act like having kids is such an achievement.

[@pamelahough3896]

I agree! This is a very sensitive topic for us child free by choice people. Why? Because they judge us buy our choice. People judge you if you chose chocolate instead of salad. So, you know what? I'm eating that chocolate!

[@bremenfan29]

Nothing wrong with not wanting any children. You save so much money and have freedom.

[@elenepona741]

Love this video. I too have never been attracted to the idea of babies. Growing up as an only child I daydreamed of adopting a child. As an adult I thought I'd like a child by the time I got to 30 but I got my first horse in my mid 20s and this satisfied any maternal feeling I may have had. 30 came and went and I kept putting off trying for a baby (with my partner of now 7 years) saying I wanted one more, one more year to enjoy with my horse! Luckily my partner has never been pushy or gooey over kids but has said he'd like his own one day. He has his woodworking hobby and I have my horses at home for now. But I'll be 34 in a few months and I'm thinking actually I'm not sure I want a child (always preferred idea of children over babies), surely you should 100% want a child before actively trying!? Ive never been around babies or children much so what you don't know you don't miss. I don't fancy the idea of pregnancy, and what if I realise that I'm not cut out for being a parent. My close friend had her first baby this summer at 40... I was really excited to be able to get to know her baby and figure out if it's something I want....but the pandemic has meant we haven't been able to see each other. I think I'd rather foster or adopt than have a baby, there are so many kids out there needing love and family, this world and society just seems to be deteriorating. Most men want their own offspring rather than adopting so I will no doubt need a serious conversation with my partner soon 😐

[@vanessaandxander]

We know this can be a challenging decision! But it's definitely worth spending plenty of time considering, and talking about with your partner

[@vanessabarajas9]

Hello. I’m in my twenties, I have never been in love or in a relationship, I don’t see myself with kids. I want to be a teacher to work with kids which is going to be fun because I want to be an art teacher, my family members have kids everywhere and I love them but I still don’t have the urge to have one of my own. Ever since I got to this video I felt comfortable. I know I will be like you guys because you are choosing to be child free couple. I am still scared to meet my further partner and they will want kids from me, and I will be heartbroken when I break the news. What if I love this person but they want kids?! Ahhhhhhh!

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for sharing, Vanessa. I know it's scary to think about breaking the news to a future parter, but you may be surprised to find someone who feels the same way you do!

[@charmainewalker8627]

I am a teacher and I have lost many relationships because of not wanting kids but that’s ok because it is best up front to let the person know your decision. It makes no sense to make some one convince you otherwise or else you will be very miserable as I know many persons who this has happened to. I suggest you find someone who is on the same page as you. And you know what if you don’t believe in yourself and travel and love you 😍. Don’t be afraid and think you are going to be alone. The universe always let ppl who are like minded find you. You will be fine

[@brave_dreamer652]

@@charmainewalker8627 I totally agree with you I have the same fear!

[@ReasonAboveEverything]

You talk about that early on and if they don't agree you continue seeing other men.

[@tomaszszwaek1199]

If you can think of other people on this planet as of your extended family - in the end we are so similar to other human beings - I think some people can give more love, support and good things to this world and people around us without having kids - than many unhappy and exhausted parents do. Doing what you do for others - you learn them how to be happy in love and relationships - is in a way the same thing you do as parents. I do think that doing a video like this, as a couple, takes a lot of courage (especially on the woman side as we still live in patriarchate). And I think humanity needs right now more people like you than parents being parents because they need somebody to take care of them when they will be old or the couple would like to be free of social pressure.

[@vanessaandxander]

Wow, thank you for the thoughtful comment, Tomasz! We agree!

[@hannahcollymore7376]

Really appreciate your transparency on such an important and overlooked/misjudged topic.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you, Hannah!

[@fionakiely3505]

You two are so thoughtful. I'm so glad it's becoming more accepted to make this choice.

[@minajan4316]

I admire and respect people who don't want kids. Having Kids is not mandatory and I love animals better than kids. Who cares what society says I love my freedom and not gonna lose for an ungrateful kid I don't care how well one raise them they still are ungrateful and abandon their parents in nursing homes. I don't like kids either way so my kids will be my animals. They will be more thankful than kids. My career and freedom comes first. My money my choice. Most women have kids just to keep a man by their side or please him. I'm not that type of woman I don't want to be tied down to a man just for a kid. 🤷🏼‍♀

[@twintwo1429]

Some people say that not having kids is selfish. Its actually the opposite. You can't be selfish to a child that was never conceived. Childless people pay the highest taxes, yet they use them the least. Childless people will not have help when they are older, yet they will help their parents and others. Childless people, by DEFAULT, leave everything they own to another person's children, regardless of age. Most parents take this for granted, until they have a childless child that must take care of them, knowing that their child has no one to do the same. Parents, on average, spend more child related taxes than they pay, considering that over 80% of children go to public schools and universities.

[@bronnerx5991]

I came across this video after my spouse and I (both in our late 30s) made our final decision regarding adopting after knowing naturally having children was not going to happen for us due to health issues in our early 30s. We pursued getting ready for local adoption just before the pandemic, and having that mostly be put on hold during the pandemic with a little human or two being presented that were not the right situation or not the right one for now. We recently had a series of frank and honest discussions coming to the conclusion that children for us is just not what either of us actually wants, and in recent years had not truly felt just us was an option. But we had pursued the idea of children these last few years in order not to disappoint each other and feeling some obligation that we “should” pursue raising a family when our 30s rolled around. Most of your points were our reasons when we had these honest conversations with each other, and it had taken us years to get to this point. Your video gave us a good opportunity to both validate and consider some other very important discussion points, so thank you! It’s odd though, since when we started dating in our mid 20s, we were pretty okay with the idea back then that it would be just us and the fur-children. But we are happier than we’ve been in a long while since making this decision, and feel we have soo much more to look forward to as a couple being able to focus on us and the fur children again.

[@nazneenbegum3383]

you guys are really good human beings I must say.

[@ClearBlueSky1]

Very very recently decided to be CF and so relieved to see such amazing videos talking about it ! Thank you so much for sharing something that makes you guys feel vulnerable but definitely needs to be said ! Much love to you guys ❤

[@Michelle-ir5yy]

You guys seem like a nice couple! I'm childfree too, and I agree with all of your reasons. I don't want to give up the freedom I have now, and I've also never been interested in being a mom. Also, I've always wondered what being pregnant is like, but I've never actually wanted to be pregnant. Lol

[@vanessaandxander]

Thanks for watching! Even when I thought I wanted kids, I never loved the idea of being pregnant. It sounds so hard! 😂

[@Michelle-ir5yy]

@@vanessaandxander Neither do I! I've just wanted to know what it was like, but that was all it ever was for me. I watched a birth scene when I was a kid and that pretty much traumatized me for life (even though it's not scary for me to watch now, it was as a kid. But I still never wanna do it!)

[@PowerOfAIandMotivation]

Amazing you two are beautiful, I'm 100% pro child-free because in my experience ever since I remember I never felt anything for children. Thank you for sharing. Wish you two and all good & respectful people, all the best🙏🏻

[@vanessaandxander]

Aw thank you so much for your kind words!!

[@Marie-og6bx]

Thank you so much for talking about this. Too many people feel pressured to have it or still believe the myths about how fulfilling. There are too many people on this planet already, and there is no need for all of us that do not feel the desire to have it. PLEASE make more videos about not wanting to have children.

[@yeshwonnth]

Wow, that is a very brave & encouraging from your side to take such a bold decision. Best wishes to you both for a beautiful & blissful life together.

[@vanessaandxander]

Thank you so much!

[@nazneenbegum3383]

yes it is very brave decision

[@user-gh2lf1zw3r]

Good on you for not feeling you need to follow what everyone else is doing. Kids are a huge responsibility, both financially and mentally. You can be just as happy without them.