We Need To Talk About Transphobia In Costuming, Cosplay And LARP (Transphobic Microaggressions)

[@lynn858]

I was on staff for a regular "adult" event, where many people do not use their legal name, but for legal reasons, having people register and pay for tickets in advance is essential. Only the one organizer had access to payment info, kept at home, on their personal computer. Part of the registration was specifying the name you would be using at the door - which was the only thing that got printed off and seen by those who staffed the door. In that environment, that's just normal. It can be done. I understand thinking that "real" and "legal" names are "important for safety" and such, but they're really not. What actually mattered is the reputation I built within those communities, as the person who used that name. Yes, they've been around for years. They regularly attend events. There are no accusations of predatory behaviour. There's a strange obsession with "real" names, that just isn't necessary. You find that interest groups either do a fantastic job of communicating between groups about problem people, to the point where a name change won't disguise anyone long. Or there's no need whatsover, they could announce their full legal name and be just as free to be a problem without consequence.

[@bunnigeeksout2981]

"Include a box for pronouns, but don't make it mandatory" LOUDER FOR THOSE AT THE BACK, the horror of "do I lie and make myself sad or do I believe that everyone who sees this will accept my answer"

[@MoonGKOL]

This one is also complicated, especially if it's a multiple choice list... Because my pronouns tend to change with my moods, and so it feels like I am lying nomater what.

[@LixiaWinter]

In Russia people on events put on special badges if they don't want to be photographed(everyone wears badges with their names, no-photo ones are different colour). Makes things a bit easier

[@drhelenloney1426]

I’m a train wreck when it comes to pronouns, especially for people like my nephew who’s recently begun to transition. I usually avoid them (pronouns, not my nephew) just to avoid embarrassment, but I realize that it is easier to assign the preferred pronoun when you don’t know someone very well, rather than someone you’ve known all your life. Also, I’m old now and grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, when the rules were different. Apologies in advance.

[@drhelenloney1426]

Well done though for speaking your mind, it’s brave but important. And who knew there were Greggs down under?

[@miyayume_eclectic_dream]

What color? One always like a standard?

[@LixiaWinter]

@@miyayume_eclectic_dream no standard, it's usually mentioned in rules, or you can get them at the entrance

[@Neddoest]

What a smart idea!

[@redwitch95]

As one of those nonbinary people who doesn't disclose it because it makes life marginally easier, I really appreciate this video. Don't even get me started on how people frequently assume nonbinary people are "women-lite" or always AFAB - it's incredibly invalidating to all nonbinary people, and the common assumption that crafting groups are *for* women really doesn't help. The point about pronouns is very useful too - I hate being asked for my pronouns, as it either forces me to out or closet myself, but normalising cis people stating their pronouns would definitely make things easier for other transgender people.

[@AshLG]

All of this is very familiar! I would love to live in a world where it was normal to just provide your pronouns and I definitely feel like we're laying the groundwork for that, but it's especially tricky if your pronouns aren't he/him or she/her - as it's essentially, like you say, a request to come out

[@redwitch95]

@@AshLG yeah, I'm sure we're moving towards a culture where asking for pronouns and accepting they/them without question is the norm but, in the meantime, it can create some very awkward situations if not everyone's on board

[@opctpos.]

Can you people get more narcissistic and self absorbed. Here’s a shock for you most people on this planet don’t to have time to tip toe around you and stupid bloody pronouns. Stop being so friggin self absorbed.

[@jackiejames4551]

I'm cis and over 60 and I have never liked having my picture taken because I don't like they way it looks. I had no idea others felt that way to. Misidentification can go both ways, for many years I was the only female at my job and I had a boss who always said " come on guys let's get this done". That is unless he was mad about something, then he called us all sissies and ALWAYS then made a point of saying sorry to me.

[@AshLG]

I think it's really important to acknowledge that these accommodations don't just help trans people - everybody benefits from things like inclusive language!

[@jackiejames4551]

@@AshLG true, I'm learning so much from you. Thank you.

[@Wisepati]

So I’m from the Midwest and guys always been the northern equivalent of you’ll in my area. I never got offended or thought it was gender specific. What do you suggest instead? I have been trying out folks instead. It’s great to point out the wrong things people do but I know that I struggle because I don’t want to offend anyone and by my struggling and stumbling these people get offended anyway. How is a person to learn?

[@bethrogers5656]

In the northeast US where I worked, the default for a group was “you guys”, even when the group was only people who identified as female. Interestingly, our boss was a lesbian…I would use “hey everyone” or “folks”

[@BecPlumbe]

@@Wisepati same, Australian here and I wouldn’t consider addressing a group as “you guys” as assuming any gender. Strangely, I realise I _do_ assume gender if it’s describing people rather than addressing people (“I saw a group of guys on the street” definitely means males to me, but “guys, it’s time to go!” I would use for any group of people).

[@vincentbriggs1780]

"Are you cringing right now?" Yes, especially at "more than regular people". Ughh. I've never been to any sort of costuming event because I live in Nowhere, Canada and don't have money to travel, but I have heard that some places can be pretty shitty. Marius Lee has a video where he talks about how one reenacting group wouldn't let him join! I don't think anyone can tell I'm trans by looking at me, since I'm average height for a man and have been on T since 2016, but all the same I wouldn't want to be involved with a group like that. And I too very much hate the assumption that everyone in a sewing group is a woman. Someday I need to make a video of 18th century menswear resources, because those are so so much harder to find, and I expect it must feel pretty alienating for beginners to have every single "How to get started in costuming" post assume you're a woman who wants to sew dresses. I know people are mainly going to be able to recommend sources for stuff they've studied, but if they could just Not start out with "Hello ladies, who are the only people reading this, you will definitely need support garments for this era!" that would be nice.

[@AshLG]

I saw Marius's video too, I've never personally had an experience that bad but I've had enough that I was entirely unsurprised that people felt comfortable not only making that decision but putting it in written proof! Also yes, I want that video!

[@vincentbriggs1780]

​@@AshLG Hopefully I'll get around to filming it sometime this winter! I also need to eventually make one about common inaccuracies in (18th century men's) movie costumes, because it's super hard to find in depth criticism of those, and it pains me to hear people whose work I admire say "yeah the menswear looks fine I guess", or claim the men's costumes are more accurate than the women's when they are NOT.

[@emilyredbird7497]

Bro, Imma go subscribe to you rn, and I'll be counting on that video! I want to learn more about masculine styles :ooo

[@emilyredbird7497]

Update, just watched one of your videos; that is some quality content you've got going on. Looking forward to seeing what else you'll make!

[@KathleenStidham]

I use my pronouns instead of the "last name" in facebook and other social media when there isn't any other way to make it clear. It's part of my name on all Zooms... And I am so grateful to you for producing this video. Being older (more than 50) I still slip up sometimes and say "boys and girls" to my students (elementary age). But I am getting better at saying "class, kids, students, thinkers..." (the last is a deliberate attempt to help my students consider themselves in a new light).

[@animosity9197]

God, as a professional costumer, the fact that so many of these things happen also in professional spaces is infuriating! THE COSTUMING DEPARTMENT IS NOT ONLY FILLED WITH WOMEN, Y'ALL. Gee, I wonder why we still don't have complete pay equity across theatrical departments...a mystery.... Thank you for making this very thorough and patient video. Maybe next time instead of losing my shit at someone I will link them this instead! It won't be as cathartic, but I GUESS it might make more of a positive difference.

[@anblueboot5364]

As a cis guy working in typical "women" Job, working with children, and into sewing/costuming cause larp is my Hobby. Holy moly am I happy that I'm extremly stable with my identity and can brush everything off in a joking way. But what I can't stand is getting weird benefits and compliments as if I were a superhero, just because I work with children. I always say that I will only start accepting those compliments once they are given to every Single of my Colleges cause they are amazing pedagogous and not just to me because I Happen to be a cis guy... Once I went on a walk with a college and some children and people thought I was the father of 10 1-3 years olds!!!! Life is crazy ngl.

[@MuseAndDionysus]

This is Muse and I'm non-binary This is so so right, everything, every point. The number of time people have corrected my pronouns while I'm in the conversation ... even though I don't know if that person is safe is, alarming and annoying 🥴

[@vampiressrina]

Another non binary person here to say THANK YOU. This needed to be said and god some of those conversations are annoyingly familiar. One other thing not to do, if someone complains about being misgendered, don't... try and justify the actions of the person who did the misgendering Like if I say, 'I got called ma'am like five times to day, it was really annoying', don't say 'Well you *are* wearing a low cut shirt.' or 'They were just being polite!' You wouldn't think you'd have to point that out but *apparently*...

[@catherinejustcatherine1778]

I am a cis person, and try to remember to lead with my own pronouns in introductions. I am grateful (but somewhat chagrined) to know that some people are uncomfortable revealing their pronouns; that it isn't necessarily them being shy. I will try to remember this and just give a decent social space for them to respond with pronouns, if they want to. I'm glad you did this video. I appreciate that you gave multiple choices of thoughtful, sensitive & inclusive language.

[@RetroClaude]

I can recommend 'team' as a gender neutral option for addressing a group of people. It has a sense of camaraderie similar to 'guys' without needless gendering. Thanks for the great video 💚

[@hanananah]

I do this too. Team or fam. Or I say something weird like "What's up party people?" 😂 In general I appreciate it when people ask for my pronouns. But it's important to note that I'm actively trying to exude non binary energy into the world and live in a place where it feels pretty safe to be out. I WANT people to assume I'm not cis. I feel seen when I get clocked because it's usually other gender non conforming people who ask. They see something of themselves in me and are asking "friend?". But holy hell it would be so much easier if everyone just volunteered their pronouns all the time. I never volunteer mine unless I'm asked because I don't like to be the center of attention. Most cis people I've talked to about it are supportive, but they make it weird. I'm glad that they think it's cool and awesome but like, it's just my daily life it's not something that makes me special or different. It's like they feel the need to praise me because they assume I must feel bad about it or have been mistreated because of it in the past. All that said it's freeing to see the confusion on people's faces when I say "I'm a whatever, like Gonzo" 😂 Other trans people are just like "Oh word." but some of the cis people I use that line on don't know how to handle it. They're trying to be serious and supportive and I can appreciate that but I don't need that. I feel secure in my identity and I'm a very silly person. Just respect me you don't have to treat me any differently.

[@miriamlewis2345]

Team is great. I also like "fellow humans," although perhaps I'm assuming too much with that!

[@bonelace111]

@@hanananah Oh my goodness can I steal the Gonzo line? That's amazing

[@hanananah]

@@bonelace111 Please do!

[@buttsauceable]

yall is my goto

[@thatflippinguy]

the "Hey, Ladies!" in crafting groups is so real OTL. My husband wound up leaving, like, THREE separate crochet groups because of the refusal to include anyone who wasn't a woman, and one of the groups--a discord server--had a mod with the AUDACITY to say my husband was being rude because "these are historically feminine spaces, we just LET you in here." Like. What???

[@thatflippinguy]

Oh also, as a southerner in the US, lemme introduce any of y'all who want to steal it to "Hey, y'all!" It's fun! It's free! It's inclusive and informal! Steal away!

[@zelphiaellerson6283]

Retired 'diversity trainer' here. Thank you so much for making this video. Many of us have a list of words NOT to use. It's always great to increase examples of inclusive phrases.

[@bobbie9066]

I've seen a great argument to be made about how microaggressions can be more exhausting to deal with as you know where openly hateful people stand, but ones who try and get it wrong are usually *more* work to correct as they "meant well". So just wanted to say thank you for breaking down some shudderingly cringeworthy things to avoid if we don't want to be, you know, shudderingly cringeworthy!

[@susyhammond5196]

I am 72, cis grandmother to 2 grands. The eldest came out trans. I thank you for this video as it really helped my understanding, and served as a reminder of being respectful and inclusive. They are happier now and that's all that matters to me.

[@bonelace111]

Thank you for putting this into words. I feel the "Not NB enough to count" thing very hard, and having to choose fixed pronouns and feeling like you're lying no matter what you choose, because "you don't look that way" enough, or you might feel different on the day because it changes like the weather, and/or you don't want to stick out. The photography thing often gets me, because gender aside I have some issues with faces and it's just... very hard to explain, but it would be nice if people just asked "Would you like a photo? No? All good, love your outfit by the way." Or that "No posed photos, but candid shots are fine if I'm not aware of you, just run them by me before posting/publishing" was an acceptable answer, no complicated, self-outing or self-diagnosing explanations necessary.

[@anula4675]

It gets so much more complicated in other languages. In Polish everything has gender (for example a cat is male and a book is female). Every adjective and verb is conjugated by gender. So just saying "I've read an article" or "Tom is smart" reveals the gender of me/that person. You need to know the gender to communicate. It is a linguistic maze, which we were not taught to navigate. It's very easy or even impossible not to misgender people in everyday situations. It can also be very difficult to engage in conversation with new crowd, especially for people with social anxiety, sometimes it may seem easier to avoid interactions at all. That is why I believe the first thing should be to assume no ill intentions.

[@Mommamacnz]

Thank you for this video - so helpful to this 50+ cis woman who is trying to get it right (especially as one of my three children has come out as non-binary, two are bi and one of those two is experimenting with how to dress and present). I'm sorry that this video even needed to be made though, and that you and others face this kind of thing even once, let alone as often as you do.

[@missnaomi613]

Hello, internet stranger! I'm also a 50+ mama of 3. Kid 1 is a transmasc enby and Kid 3 is a trans girl, just starting to go girl-mode. She was so excited when I made her a long, pink skirt... with pockets!❤🏳‍⚧

[@MoonGKOL]

Thank you for saying that Value in society is not bassed on how much people find us f*ckable. This is something I have been struggling with, while I figure out where on the Enby spectrum I am, and I just really needed to hear it.

[@lynn858]

... And asking someone "why" they don't want their photo taken, or put online, isn't a thing you need to ask. There are a multitude of reasons, but all of them amount to "my body my choice", and "unless you have specific, enthusiastic consent... don't".

[@kyleleen_]

Used to work at a historic site where we have an annual rendezvous. The amount of debating, begging, and pleading I had to do to be able to dress in clothes that don’t match my birth certificate was awful. After two years of campaigning I was over the moon and telling everyone how excited I was. The number of people who told me I would never pass was jaw dropping. Cue combo eye roll/gut shot.

[@sonipitts]

This is especially ironic given the number of "it was only discovered that [historical person] was [different biological sex than they presented as] after death/after an accident that required hospitalization/after their personal papers were published" in historical records going back for pretty much ever. I'm beginning to think it would be easier to just lead with "I'm basing my character on an amalgam of [verified historical figures who bamboozled everyone for career aspirations, safety, personal preferences, or lulz]."

[@snazzypazzy]

This video was very much appreciated! I loved the stares into the camera! I learned some new things, despite having a few trans and NB friends and trying to be a good ally. (There really is a TERF issue among lesbian women, It's the worst and I try to fight it when I see it.) Recently I informed with a viking re-enactment group I was thinking about joining how they feel about LGBTQ people, since I want to be accepted as a gay woman and would not want to join a group that's not open to all sorts of people. (There's a scary amount of nazi's among viking enthousiasts.) The answer was kind of evasive, so that was disappointing. I like that English has the word they. Dutch is more gendered, and there are people who use different pronouns but they're always a bit strange grammatically. (Although there is a common one being used in large newspapers and I'm getting used to it. Even though it's the equivalent of using "them" as a subject.) I have some friends who use they in English and gendered ones in Dutch. (Hell I'm even jealous about the word pronouns because the translation is "persoonlijke voornaamwoorden" and that's just way too long.)

[@fraxinus1877]

Aaaaaaaah I am nb and have avoided participating in any of these communities bc of my fear of these sorts of situations. And there’s a long history of people in my local communities getting VERY bent out of shape about AFAB people presenting as male in a living history context and I just. Don’t want to spend my free time not working getting in fights with people about if I’m being horrible for refusing to wear a dress and dedicating my time to camp cooking demonstrations, or like. Laundry demos. Not to mention that entering these communities would require suddenly being way more open about being nb than I have ever been. And probably instantly have people try to fight me about it. Ugh. Ngl I’m a little lost on it still.

[@jamesmulholland6959]

At least with regards larp, one of the reasons this video is important is that LOADS of larpers are trans, and indeed nonbinary. A lot of UK larp culture is overwhelmingly trans inclusive. It has miles to go, it's true, but please don't be put off by the transphobic people, because you will also meet some of the coollest, loveliest trans people around if you go larping. Can't speak to any related hobbies, ofc :)

[@Joodster]

Thank you for creating this video. As an older CIS woman, I didn’t grow up around people who were open about being non-CIS. While I am lucky enough to have had many people in my life who have helped me understand and appreciate their differences, there are things you touched on that will help me be more considerate and inclusive.

[@arbyswitch5580]

hi there, you seem genuinely interested in learning new information so i just wanted to let you know that cis- is not an acronym. its from the latin prefix "cis" meaning "on the same side as," like, presumably, you were assigned a gender at birth and continue to align with that assignment. thats all it means, really

[@TheEconWoman]

As I listened to your video tonight - something came to mind. Basically what you’re saying is to treat all people respectful. As my mother said “use your manners”. Why have we stopped? Thank you for making this video.

[@doriancrane1254]

Your looks to camera are highly relatable.

[@Meg_of_all_threads]

I work at the ER and often have the patient info on their ID with M (male) or F (female) and often we encounter the issue of a trans person in transition but their ID is of the previous gender. 😬 It sucks for them that it is so hard to have it change (official government papers) or take time. When in doubt I use neutral. And if the gender differ from the paper I tell the nurse so she can adjust her speech or put a tag on the patient door so others specialists can adjust theirs. So worst case, they have only that conflicting convo with me but not with each health professional. Yeah. Healthcare acces doesn't make it easy on trans but we try ❤️

[@ThistlesPins]

This hit very close to home. I'm still in the "figuring everything out" phase including queer-phobic comments from friends (?!) and I don't even know if I'll ever be out of that phase. Anyhoo, I always try to get my historical dancing folks to say "leading" instead of "men" because we're a diverse bunch and wouldn't even have a traditional setup with 50% *men if we tried (which at least in Germany is the case for most historical dance stuff, there's definitely a femme-presenting majority). I don't know it everyone there gets it, but I'll keep trying. Thanks so much for this video, and I love your "I'm done with this" face.

[@corasgrove3474]

If it helps you could look up gender-free ceilidh dancing - there has been a lot happening in that area over the last few years, which might be useful to you/your group. Allows people to dance whatever role they feel like/comfortable with.

[@bonelace111]

Lisa Heywood is a great English dance caller who specifically does gender free calling who might be worth looking up. As Cora's Grove said there's been a lot happening recently in that area for ceilidhs etc., but Lisa in particular has a load of great resources up on her blog and facebook page, policies on safe spaces and raising issues that might be useful for organisers to look at when writing their own, and is often up for a chat about helping dance communities change and become safer. She was also running some virtual ceilidhs through lockdown and has been exploring issues of disability access as a result.

[@ThistlesPins]

@@bonelace111 thanks for the heads up! I'll look it up, most of it is probably easily translatable into German dancing lingo 😁

[@OpusElenae]

Thank you for this amazing video. I try really hard to be tans/non-binary inclusive on my channel, and this has given me some great ideas about how to up my game. I appreciate your labor!

[@TheIntuitiveArtificer]

All the examples were really great!!! I feel like the more examples of microaggressions that are out there the easier it is to recognized them being used. Thank you for sharing!

[@Hannah-rx8fk]

Eep, as cisgender person I recognise too many of the intros. I think I'm learning to be better all the time, so thank you for the tips. (Also hear ye hear ye algorithm gods, this be a worthy video)

[@Queer_Nerd_For_Human_Justice]

[@angelasmith5019]

7.000 views and most of the people commenting seem to be trans as well. That’s somewhat unfortunate and I really do hope it reaches enough cis costumers to make an impact. The skits were pretty helpful at highlighting behavior one might fall into, even if we’re well-meaning. Thanks a lot!

[@linda.brotherton1689]

This the second video of yours that I've watched, you are so educated but sometimes I'm lost. According to this video I'm very lost at 70. You are amazing and don't care who is who except if they want to share my nursing room and I want to sometimes close my curtain.😊

[@MiffoKarin]

I'm mostly commenting for the algorithm gods, as a cis woman I don't feel like I can or should contribute much. Great video.

[@Jesscrayons]

YUP! I've had a lot of stuff like this happen AND THEN SOME! At one larp I had 2 people corner me to tell me how supportive of trans people the 2 of them are, and how it was totally ok not to worry about telling them my preferred name. LARP can be wild.

[@idrisa7909]

I honestly love historical costuming but odds are I'd never make an ensemble or W/E because of a lot of the stuff you describe, plus the general... way people treat fem gay men, and the fact that HC is strongly biased towards Europe

[@leahowen6840]

As always a fantastic video - I am now suitably riled up and ready to overturn things and set things on fire, which is correct and proper given the video content. A question, I guess - do you ever find that this sort of misgendering/mispronouning thing is *conditional*? A lot of the examples you give conjure up the kind of awful cloying expectations around transphobia (calling everyone 'ladies', expecting certain things of participants no matter what is actually appropriate for them), but do you / other people in the comments find that transphobic microaggressions get deployed contingently. As a transfem person I sometimes find that I get correctly gendered until someone has an issue with me/I have to raise something inconvenient OC, and then it's suddenly 'they/them', 'this person', 'Leah feels this way about how Leah encountered this issue'. I don't know if it's just low-level transmisogyny - correct gendering can be withdrawn at will - or if it's low-level misogyny - that women aren't meant to (literally/metaphorically) raise their voices, and certainly not have lower T-affected voices if they do. Apologies for piling yet another example still on the pile, but I'd be really interested in hearing the experiences of people beyond my experience group on this; like you say, different identity/backgrounds have slightly Venn-diagram-y sets of experiences with all this.

[@AshLG]

I agree that this is an issue! I do experience that people will be far more comfortable using they/them pronouns when I'm dressed a certain way and much less likely to use the correct pronouns if I'm dressed in what they see as a gendered style - which is not nearly as damaging, but does I think contribute to the perception of a lot of people that they have to perform "nonbinary enough" to be properly gendered And please don't worry about adding more examples, I really welcome and appreciate other voices and experiences on this, as my personal viewpoint is only representative of a small fraction of trans people!

[@jamesmulholland6959]

@Leah I think it can be quite ambiguous from a trans male perspective. Sure, you're getting they'd because you wore a low neckline or kissed a man or whatever, so ostensibly it's 'you might be nonbinary so I must be POLITE!'... but it doesn't really come across that way (and tbh that would be REALLY WEIRD anyway). It comes across as 'your manhood has been revoked because you failed to use it correctly'. That's straightforward homophobia, which is imho the case for a chunk of what is increasingly being discussed as 'transmisandry' (I'm ambivalent to the term, but the concept is important). Tl;dr from a male perspective, the infringements that lead to punititive misgendering are gender infringements.

[@vincentbriggs1780]

Also, somewhat related, I am so dang tired of all the Harry Potter inspired costumes and references because every time I see one I'm reminded of how the author is literally the face of a hate movement and is using her considerable fortune and influence to push transphobic laws. Feels really shitty.

[@AshLG]

God yes

[@vincentbriggs1780]

@@AshLG And funnily enough, adding a footnote that says jkr sucks doesn't make it any better. It's so much more than just a few bad tweets.

[@comradewindowsill4253]

@@vincentbriggs1780 yeah, a lot of the actual work she's done has problems internally. like, even if we did that literary criticism type 'author does not exist' thing, even if you took her work completely anonymously... there's still a lot in it that's just.. bad. Pretty much every non-human group seems like a half-hearted allegory for some horrible thing that's happened (AIDS, slavery, the n@zis), done in a very slap-dash and disrespectful way, and even among the human characters, any non-anglos are given a really stereotypical treatment, and that's leaving aside a lot of just really lame and lazy writing and world building in general. the only thing that I will begrudgingly give her is that she knows something about english history- but that's something that only shows up a handful of times in names and references, and doesn't redeem any of the times when she goes beyond the border of her own identity and utterly fails. the truth is, if you can't write about the experiences of people other than your own in a respectful and realistic manner, you should rather not write about them at all, and I really wish she'd sit down and do so.

[@vincentbriggs1780]

@@comradewindowsill4253 I don't remember the books well because I was never super into them and read them all once as they came out, but I've watched Shaun's video on it several times and oof, yeah, lots of bad stuff that went over my head as a child.

[@MaliceAttention]

For some reason, youtube recommended me this video and I'm so glad it did. Your channel covers very important and interesting topics, and I love you address this particular one because until now I hadn't questioned why sometimes I wasn't completely comfortable with this kind of communities. Turns out, as a non-binary person, I can relate to many things you point out in this video.

[@linellcorban4194]

From an old (70+) cis person who is trying to learn how to not to be offensive

[@linellcorban4194]

Opps...trying to learn how to not be offensive but is often bewildered, thank you. Seriously, I am 'mentally supportive' but often unsure. You are helping me learn & I truly appreciate your efforts.

[@robintheparttimesewer6798]

I was just thinking that. I don’t want to be offensive but I’m also feeling old and confused. I call all my kids and grandson baby so I don’t muck up their name! And I named them well except for grandson!! Anyway I’m trying.

[@JDurham124]

I struggle to remember names, so I’m hesitant to add asking pronouns in group meetings and conferences. I don’t want to offend someone by making a mistake.

[@WallebyDamned]

I wear a pronouns pin at work so customers can figure it out without having to ask. Some still ask, most just assume incorrectly despite it being written on me. But I also know customers will avoid reading anything that can potentially solve/prevent their issues, so it almost makes it feel better or easier to ignore at that point.

[@Wrinmokka]

THANK YOU! I just had my first event as an openly NB person at the Gathering and Gods above was it way harder than I was expecting, and a lot of this really spoke to me. I know categorically that some people are well meaning, and a lot of them are making huge efforts but it is also so much extra energy on top of what is already quite an exhausting (if satisfying) hobby that I go to for escapism of all things!

[@lisettegarcia]

I really like how you laid this out. It was funny, informative, and not hostile. Can you develop a companion piece offering trans people language and strategies for dealing with awkward situations rather than freaking out, melting down or ghosting? Thank you for comsidering it!

[@paulafisher3441]

I just ran across this video (because I sew and I saw your skirt video, thank you, I’ll be making some!) I have an enormously special person in my life who is trans and we are all learning. So a huge THANK YOU for this.

[@madebymaryssa]

The PayPal thing in particular baffles me because there are so many possible explanations: name changes are a nuisance to update everywhere, obviously, but also, what if someone doesn't *have* a PayPal and, rather than creating an account for This One Transaction, they got a friend/relative to send payment and reimbursed that person? What if they got the event ticket As A Gift? In a cosplay space, what if the name they're asking to be addressed by at the event is Their Character Name? As long as the payment went through and there aren't multiple people arguing "No, that's MY ticket!", it's none of the event coordinator's business.

[@emilyg2451]

I really liked this video. Also, super handy that I'm an American southerner and can use y'all in all circumstances. In my corner of the world people even use it to address a single person.

[@BeQueerMakeStuff]

Thanks so much for making this video! :) It's very very necessary and I'm so glad this resource exists! enby solidarity. Also, fuck yeah blending gender in garments!

[@algauthier]

What a brilliant video. These topics are challenging to discuss with clarity but you've done a masterful job of communicating here. So thankful you've put the time and effort in to release this!

[@WitchOracle]

Commenting for the algorithm! And definitely adding to a playlist for quick access to share. Thanks for all your hard work making this video 💚

[@haakdraakje]

Mind boggling that you personally went through every single one of these comments.... thank you for telling us more on how to handle situations that were "non-existing" when we grew up.

[@kellynickles2178]

Ash! This is Karma! I found someone with actual HELP ! I am a Grandmother of a Trans Grandchild. It has been difficult for me to mentally change Identification of my Grandchild. I still catch myself after nearly 2 years thinking of them as their before identity. ASHLEY or Ash is their name NOW. Your honesty and clarity and openness has helped me tremendously! Thank You! I Sew and Knit and Crochet with an interest in spinning but have not YET fell down that rabbit hole but am still balancing on the edge. ❤️🧶👵🧶❤️

[@animperfectscience7336]

Adding more thanks from another nonbinary person feeling all of this in their soul. While I've been lucky enough to find an amazing LARP community that follows through on being inclusive, you cover a lot of my hesitancy engaging with costuming communities, especially the historically-centered ones. I've had similar experiences to what you described at the limited in-person events I've been to, and it definitely did not make me want to attend more.

[@stormraynes1707]

Watched, liked, shared, and engaged. Algorithm don't bury this video.

[@lauralake7430]

My pronouns are plaid shirt, yes, i feel this

[@mamaspatch]

Such a great video. I am in the process of pulling my enby teen out of mainstream school because we are so sick of the micro-aggressions and active transphobia (and yeah, teen identifies as both enby and trans, among other personal alignments). We often talk about the "levels of arseholery" level one is ignorance, level two is accidental, and level three is you are an arsehole, and not worth my time. It's so important to keep talking and normalising this. I am teaching myself to say "ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary friends" and use other inclusive language (always learning) and to let people know my pronouns are "she/her" as often as possible. But I think I might also get myself a pronouns pin and start wearing it everywhere. Hopefully people will assume I am trans and I can educate them some more :-) thanks for the idea!

[@isomeme]

Thank you for this video! It's one of the best I've ever seen on what real trans inclusion looks like. 90% of it isn't specific to LARP or costuming. I'd love it if you made a more general version, just so I could share it without writing a "This looks like it will be specific to LARP and costuming, but watch it anyway" preamble.

[@notalbanian]

Thanks for making this video, I loved it! I'm a trans woman who's into Edwardian fashion, though I've only been out and involved in costuming for a few months (haven't been to any events or anything) so I haven't experienced much of what you describe. But I'd love to chat with you if you have time!

[@Melavara]

Thank you for your emotional, mental, and time labor in making this video to help educate.

[@shellnet411]

My kid I usually use daughter because of the choice of boarding school over staying a normal public school. They wanted to go to boarding school are use female pronoun because generally she doesn't care. She goes by gender fluid so the day-to-day pronouns are changing. I use them a lot. She doesn't use him pronouns often so I mostly go. She heard they them. It's just easier plus most people don't know her so they for really big strangers. You be surprised how when you're talking generally about your kid you can say they them when talking as a parent, especially when you're saying you miss your child being as small

[@love4n01]

I appreciate the opinions and information you've provided here. We go to a lot of conventions with an array of people and even though we try to be inclusive in our language/items we make/etc, it's always good to know where we might need to improve. I try to be cognizant of things I say around those who aren't friends (yet) because I do want people to know that they will be safe around me but I can't say I haven't made mistakes along the way. I do try to learn from that and improve. So yes, thank you for this.

[@charlotta5660]

Thank you for taking the time to talk about this topic!

[@LaynieFingers]

This is so beautifully said. 💜💜💜

[@sleepyspacegremlin]

Thank you for making this video. We can do better when we learn about things and have an open discussion. ❤

[@smontone]

This video, I can imagine, was pretty taxing to create. It was phenomenal though and I really do appreciate the effort that went in to it. Thank you for creating it and sharing your experiences.

[@andeegraves1238]

Thank you so much for this video. I am trying to learn as much as possible to support trans folx without putting the burden of educating me on them. ❤ You did a fabulous job articulating the concerns that Cis folks like myself need to consider. Even some great food for thought when I'm organizing craft events and classes.

[@JustIsold]

I havent even watched the video and I need to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for making this video

[@JustIsold]

I feel the blank stare into the camera SO much goodness

[@nancymathisen9707]

Presenting information the way you do here is very helpful. Thanks for doing this.

[@StarlightSovereign]

Fantastic teardown of SO many cringe situations we have to deal with as trans people. I go by they/them and I'm constantly misgendered because people "just can't get used to it" after weeks and weeks and it really feels rough sometimes because they're not acknowledging my gender. But still, wish I was given the full consideration that basically a dog is.

[@msandigail]

Thank you so much for this video - i deeply appreciated AND enjoyed it! The only (very small) addition I suggest is for international viewers like me - the ubiquitous use of "guys" in US and Canada is as gender-neutral as "ladies"! (ie, not at all!) Again, thank you so much for this! I'm sharing it in my kink network, too, as though some specific examples are LARP/costuming specific, soooo much of this applies to cons and events in general!!

[@DrachenGothik666]

In my friend circle, "guys" was used in a gender-neutral way. I'm Canadian (from Manitoba), so it might depend on the group and area?

[@msandigail]

@@DrachenGothik666 funny, I'm from Manitoba originally, too! Though have lived in BC since late elementary school:) I think I wasn't as clear as I could be in my comment. "guys" is usually *used* by someone *intending* it to be a gender neutral term, and many people consider it to be neutral, as they haven't really thought about it, it's just used so widely to refer to large groups of people. But for many people who don't identify as a dude, it doesn't feel gender neutral at all. It''s similar to using "mankind" to refer to "humankind" - it's a gendering that presumes "dude as default" and is so ubiquitous that most people bristle when it's pointed out and tell me that I'm being too sensitive, so many folks who are uncomfortable with being refered to as "guys" have just stopped mentioning it. But the term doesn't actually become gender neutral by making it plural/adding an S to the end!

[@Rayyvyn]

I'm from the East coast of MA,US & I use guys, bud, dude all the time & it's always meant all inclusive, no matter who is in the group, to me those words have 0 gender attached

[@LiljaHusmo]

Well written and important video, thank you!

[@terpinator24]

Thank you for putting in the time and effort to share this to help us all out with understanding how what we do and say is important.

[@linellcorban4194]

Opps.......trying to learn how to not to be offensive, thank you, Ash. I really appreciate your videos.

[@KanonBlack13]

Great video! Thank you so much. I'll be working on my slip ups from now on.

[@user-ru4ip2pr1j]

I have been convinced by your insta to watch this. I'm very happy I did. As an enby myself, this is very relatable x

[@jennywitts5025]

This is such an important video, thank you for making it!

[@missnaomi613]

"Don't be weird!" Yes please, don't! I just found your channel, via a skirt video. In addition to my love of sewing clothes, I'm the mama of 3 young adults. Kids 1 and 3 are trans. Anyway, you have interesting and relevant things to say, so I'm subscribed now. ❤🏳‍⚧

[@azteclady]

Thank you, sharing everywhere I can (also, commenting for the sake of the algorithm)

[@Canny-Octopus]

This was very helpful for how not to make trans folks feel othered. Thank you for making a video that was likely hard to do.

[@PureAlto]

Thank you. I enjoy your humor. You're talking about a difficult subject with a great attitude. I hope that it makes it easier for the folks who need the information to take in that information.

[@ktlovely]

I both enjoyed AND appreciated this video, thank you!

[@n0v3mb3r4l1ce]

Thank you for writing and doing this.

[@mossydreamz]

Ah yes, the cis-clownery proverb: "Not that I have a problem with that." Also I am laughing at myself that I came over to your channel after replying to a comment of yours on the Joseon Sherlock video, only to discover I likely unwittingly trans'splained in that comment to you, who are clearly astronomically cooler than me🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Bless, subscribed.

[@Annie-ex3ge]

Hi Ash, hats of to you for the courage to make this video! Also, thank you for the invaluable information. Personally, I want to always be sensitive and inclusive, but I'm also sometimes prone to putting my foot in my mouth, so again, thank you.

[@Mixxie67]

My husband just shared he hates seeing pictures of himself shared.

[@Mongoly8]

Both enjoyed and appreciated this. Thanks!

[@whoviangirl3878]

"ma'am this is a greggs" mood

[@somesortofdeliciousbiscuit3704]

I prefer folks myself when addressing a group of people

[@Anne-Marie_Morin-Berard]

i was cringing badly, because i saw most of those situation happen... multiple times in multiples situations... we really need to do better. i normally use: lovely humans when addressing groups. makes for some nice comments in a sci-fi larp:) but does not pinpoint anybody.

[@emilyredbird7497]

In LARP communities, I feel like "nerds" is a good catch-all term of address :P I also really like the adress Bernadette Banner uses, "Ladies and Gentlefolk". Posh british gender neutrality

[@fumblingwiththimbles2609]

Thank you for this, there are a lot of things I can learn from it.

[@KateHistoryMysteries]

Love the comment on PayPal accounts. Also, people are going to have emails etc. in different surnames to their info if they change their name but keep their email address.

[@sashaska]

8:31 now as a cis person myself i was curious if it's okay to go by different pronouns in different social circles. In my private life/online i go by she/all but I fear negative feedback if i do the same in my professional life. I felt horribly hypocritical about this but hearing that trans people also might use different pronounse is kinda reassuring. Sorry in case i put this kinda confusingly. English isnt my first language

[@juniperraven1386]

I don't have a preference on what pronouns ppl use for me, but I also agree that that isn't a discussion I need to have with my employer or coworkers.

[@elainebye9090]

Thanks for talking about a topic that needs addressing, even though it was difficult for you.

[@eric_the_egggremlin]

hi I am a femme transmasc and this video is so cathartic.

[@lady14bug]

As an allyship educator, this was so good, and so concise! Thanks!

[@somesortofdeliciousbiscuit3704]

I remember being friends with people only to be surprised why they were waiting outside the ladies toilet even though it was plenty of stalls. No, it was because a trans friend of mine was using the toilet. Just using the toilet. So that kinda sucked.

[@Scampcam]

I consider myself a cis male; but online i'm often genderfluid. That said, i cannot staaaand my pictures. I always feel like i look so much worse in them, even if i was having a self-like day. For many of the reasons you mentioned. Much love all!

[@CharlottaHalden]

This is such great and important stuff! Super clearly explained. Will definitely share around. And maybe we'll meet at a larp someday? 😊 /Swedish international larper and trans activist

[@sarahmwalsh]

Thank you for making this video. I appreciate the reminders to keep all of this in mind.