Let's talk | Bpd, deep-rooted insecurities and PMDD

[@r4tz4sn4ckz]

it's so strange seeing other people struggling with almost the exact same problems i am bc i felt like i was alone w this.

[@soindifferent_]

You are far from insecure. The fact you can sit in front of a camera and be this raw is far from insecure. It takes certain level of strength to open up like this. I appreciate your rawness and openness. Things will get better.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞 Thank you so much

[@Coco-xq7zh]

I can’t even talk in front of my camera. Damn I didn’t even know that was an insecurity

[@soindifferent_]

@@Coco-xq7zh sitting in front of a camera is one thing, opening up to the public, via KZbin, is another thing altogether. Her sharing her experiences with BDP and other insecurities is the equivalent of her deadlifting 450lb lol. It takes a level of strength and self-confidence to be this vulnerable.

[@intomusicable]

@@soindifferent_ seen , this is good stuff , many cant do it , its not the insecurity .. i agree : )

[@Linabluwi]

I lost myself to my mental illnesses as well and I absolutely cannot keep up with friendships nor relationships and i made the decision to stay alone because it’s more comfortable i can’t really understand people and I feel so different and so dissociated , I ruined everything just by being me cuz I can’t love myself. I regret being social once and i feel so dumb for thinking that anyone could really love me or have me as their friend i don’t think I’m meant to have that i can’t find the purpose of living anymore because why would I want to live in constant battle, and the binging part was so real self destruction gives me some sort of satisfaction somehow.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I know how you feel completely, im actually making a video about not feeling loved because of not knowing how to think we ever deserve it. It's so painful. The worst part is the battle is so real to us but other people try to downplay it. There's a lot of strength in constantly pushing through but it's so exhausting when the effort isn't recognized or when we feel like our past selves were compensating for something bigger. Over time self-love is the only thing that can really help us even though it feels impossible. I wish there was more I could do to help but I hope my videos help you feel understood or less alone in how you feel 💞💞

[@obsolete1010]

it's relieving to see that you're not glorifying your suffering. i get so sick of people trying to make their mental illness "cool"

[@XxX-vi9if]

PMDD is a nightmare. I have planned actual murders during my time of the month, have threatened people and even came close to assault. I got on bupropion/wellbutrin and it's helped me quite a lot, especially with my motivation and drive. I look back at when I was at my worst and it's like looking at an alternate universe because I'm so different now, but it's all the same universe and I've just gotten better. The PMDD and depression may never go away but you learn to live with it and take care of yourself ✌️ And like you I also have maladaptive daydreaming. It's still got a grip on me but to a lesser extent at least.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I'm going to be starting my journey to getting better on here. I'm sick of how far my mental illness has taken me. I hope you stick around for the ride and even for the highs and lows.

[@null6353]

@@sbalint0718 this is not helpful. this is blatant ableism and, depending on who you spew that shit to, very well may be actively damaging to their mental health. that is an attempt to put fuel into psychotic features. enza is mentally ill, that is inarguable by anyone with bare minimum psychological intelligence; and it is not a bad thing on her part that she is mentally ill. fuck off, frankly.

[@BassBrandon]

I 100% support you in your journey, take back your life!! You deserve to live a life you're happy with. Always rememebr, it's the times when things are looking the most down that it's most important for you to look up and keep on moving foward. Things will get better, you will do grest. Best wishes!!! 🎉

[@intomusicable]

good one : ) youre doin the right steps...

[@janelle0619]

God i was literally spiraling for the past few hours and i came across your video and it lowkey managed to calm me down bc hearing others going through the same thing you're feeling is comforting, makes you feel less alone. So i appreciate you posting and sharing your experience.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so much for this, I always feel very scared to post and that people might misunderstand me 💞💞 I hope you're doing okay :( I know how isolating the hours of spiraling can get

[@NAe-j5x]

You are so relatable. The fact that you can put words to this stuff and address it on video amazes me. You are not a failure. You stay true to yourself and all these benchmarks are nothing more than ridiculous social constructs. I had the same black hole mindset since I dropped out of college. Don’t be ashamed of the way life goes because there is no rule book to this shit. We are all just trying to navigate this f’ed up world.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so much for saying this 💞 it really means a lot to me :) I always try to stay as true to myself as I can even when I feel all the pressure from the "norms", but it's the thing I really cherish the most. It's hard to be that way in today's world, but it's the most beautiful thing we can do.

[@emmaegel5803]

thank you so much for posting this. I get what exactly what you're saying. I cannot for the life of me envision a future of myself. There's not a lot of it to grasp. I recently got diagnosed with CPTSD as well as OCD. Everything scares me to the point where i go non-verbal. I'm also coming off of a lot of medication's that i was psychically and mentally defendant on, and the dissociation that is coming with it is pure mental torture. I feel like i don't know who i am or if i ever even did. My brain feels completely zapped and fried to the point of no return, so it is hard to articulate/comprehend literally anything. Hearing this made me realize no one goes thru this ish alone. Your video was very refreshing and comforting....thank you for sharing

[@enzagualtieri6643]

omg I just read this and im actually currently editing a video about CPTSD and how it affects our entire lives for those diagnosed. I understand exactly what you mean, every day is a huge challenge, and seeing a future feels impossible. im so so sorry you're going through that with medication, I experienced that too when coming off of it, it was like reality became torture. its like a complete loss of yourself, and its like learning things sounds easy to hear but understanding it and implementing things is a whole other level. Im so happy you found some comfort in this video, and ill always be here 💞💞

[@kaylinbrooke]

The constant overthinking of every single little thing I feel so heavy. Trying to suppress the heavy pain of emotions with drugs. I’m with you, and hope everything gets better 🩷🩷 what helps me most is trying to live more in the moment than stress about thinking of future activities/things. Try not to overthink about how others perceive you because you assuming will only hurt you in the end, I’m victim of this almost everyday with friends. Try not to overthink about yourself and your thoughts, just be in the moment , listen to a favorite song when overthinking or overwhelming thoughts/emotions come up. Sending hugs

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so much, sending you hugs back 🤗🤗, I really want to get better at living in the moment just need to remember too in the times where my triggers are suffocating me

[@Yamsauce]

Thank you. I have CPTSD, BPD, an autoimmune disorder, and 35 years of coping with it best I can with all the thrills, chills, and spills that come with it. I don't have the ability to talk about it/me hardly with myself, let alone a therapist or another person. Most of my life has just been white knuckling it cold turkey or giving into forms of escapism as well. Meanwhile, life passes by and the only sense I seem to be able to wrap my head around is the exhausting crisis of managing and damage control. Or a sense of unbridled anger with myself or life, sometimes both. Hearing you accepting your struggle where you were at, and even if it was just venting, it helped me. So again, thank you for being you. Your perspective helps, even if its not the one you want, it has had a positive effect for what its worth.

[@laurenquirky]

this is so relatable. i struggle so much with overthinking and constantly beating myself up for horrible habits. i feel an overwhelming sense of lack in my life that i can’t overcome. i know people say they like me or even love me but i don’t feel it. there’s so much to live for but i have no energy or will to pursue the things that would make my life better.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

It feels like a constant uphill battle not just with yourself but even with everyone in your life. And we take that anger out on ourselves. Especially how you said that people say they like or love you and you just cant feel it, I know that feeling too well. I'm so sorry you're struggling :(

[@Cate-b7n]

You have a lot more resilience and bravery than you realise. I can relate SO much to a lot of the things you're saying. I've finally over the years managed to have a few close relationships in my life. I have PMDD, Autism, ADHD and C-PTSD. I wish I had the strength to document my experiences and share them on here, this is something that I've wondered about on and off over the years. I can't think why anyone would want to watch me or listen to anything I say. Or that it would just cause extreme humiliation for me. You're not alone, things can get better. One step at a time.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so much :), sending you hugs 🤗🤗, knowing we have the same diagnoses makes me feel much less alone but also so sad because I know how isolating the combinations feel :(, I was just so tired of trying to talk to people and being looked at as a monster and I didn't want to feel shame for it anymore so I started youtube and it's been helpful to know that people like me exist and people like you exist and it's not so lonely and isolating anymore 💞💞

[@Cate-b7n]

@enzagualtieri6643 I honestly think we would get along and be good friends 😂 I'm 26 from England. Sending hugs back to you too 🤗🤗 I can really empathise and relate to you at home hard it can be. ❤️‍🩹 I feel inspired by your content. Maybe this can give me the push to share too. I'm really glad I found your channel girl 🌟😊🤗

[@tristan4621]

As grim as this all is, it is comforting to understand. I know people in my life with BPD that will never tell me what they feel at risk of being vulnerable. I also had moments where I fully empathized with what you had said, especially the perception feedback loop. MY GOD. And as an ADHD mf I can relate with the paralysis of it all

[@Ubl386]

im not diagnosed with bpd or pmdd, i do have ptsd however and i relate so insanely to this its unreal. im so grateful i found your channel seriously. you put every single thought i cant describe into words.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so much that means the world to me 💞 All I've ever wanted to do was to help people feel understood 🤗

[@Lexie-t3v]

I’ve never heard someone describe the same thing going on in my head.

[@virtualsocialretreat8234]

i relate to almost everything you said. but i don't hate myself and i think it's bc in my most miserable moments i could still pull a desire to help others out of myself. that's something worthy of being preserved, so i'm preserving myself. it's narcissistic to think of oneself as the worst person that ever lived, but that's not the end of the world. like, the narcissistic wound that i got from not winning a nobel prize in physics at 15 is absolutely insane. (i'm kidding here, i never thought i would do such a thing but that's pretty much the subtext of my lack of perseverance. an imaginary audience thinking i'm a genius. i'm now 25, btw). i also think my most detestable traits come from pure ignorance and i forgive myself and i am hopeful that i can learn more even if it's a miserable experience. i hope you find your silver lining, as i have. also, (controversial?) i find that for us isolated, navel-gazing freaks, absolute crisis is the only way to get us going. good luck on finding a way out without much destruction.

[@sk8rboi47]

this is insanely relatable. like you just explained my life exactly. i also suspect i have adhd and autism but pmdd and bpd, addictions are the most harmful in my life. im currently trying to wean off of nicotine and im going absolutely crazy. ive been jobless for a few years now because of burnout and i can never see myself being the old version of me working and going to school and hanging out with friends. i have no friends at all. if i wasnt close with my brother i would probably be dead. at least he understands me for the most part but he'll never truly understand the pmdd aspect. every month it has me convinced even he hates me and im an awful sibling but i know its not true. every time my hormones shift or i take certain drugs i get manic and feel like im finally cured and then bam i lose it again and feel even worse because its like never gonna end. i have thought about taking testosterone tho a lot of people (ive heard from specifically trans men with pmdd) find relief from their pmdd symptoms with it. id still have the addictions and bpd to work through tho. its really hard seeing how much time ive spent on things that are bad for me just to cope with being alive and im sick of it. i started door dashing this week (huge step from being terrified to leave the house) and i was proud of myself for doing it but i already spent a days work on drugs and a little food. every order went smoothly but i was hella late for one order and she was pissed and i couldnt stop replaying it in my head ugh. itll get easier but not having nicotine is making me lose it when i feel so close to progressing and i dont want to go back to it either i just want to be healthy and at peace.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I feel like i just read a page out of my own personal diary. I understand eveything you are feeling, obviously just not experinecig it in the way you might. My sister is my closest friend and my boyfriend, and when pmdd comes around i really feel like i can ruin those relationships in an instant even though I know that everyone has bad days and snaps. We really just need to learn to give ourselves grace because were functioning from a different brain and we cant compare ourselves. Also if you suspect you have adhd, i learned from my doctor that us neurodivergents experince pmdd alot stronger because adhd is already that lack of dopamine and when our hormones and estrogen shift during pmdd, there is no dopamine at all causing us to crave it elsewhere, and sometimes that can mean towards addiction. I hope this new bit of info helps you understand whats going on in your body a bit better. When i heard it i literally sobbed. lets keep on pushing through and ill try to find some things i can make videos on while im getting treatment, hopefully we can get through this :)

[@sk8rboi47]

@@enzagualtieri6643 thank you for this, it really does help to know im not alone in this and some things are just out of my control but i can shift how i cope with it. i did cave and im back to vaping again, took stimulants today after swearing them off for good but i do feel better that its just a tiny amount (nothing i wouldnt be prescribed for adhd anyway) but i know how i feel depleted after. other good news, although i love weed, i hate being addicted to it and ive cut down from like nonstop everyday to 1-2x/day sometimes skipping 1-2 days until i get unbearable again but truly its so much better. i also signed up to take 2 classes in the spring after dropping out 4 years ago. i uncontrollably sobbed so hard and the lady hugged me longer and tighter than my mom ever has... bittersweet but healing to know there are people out there who dont even know me but want me to succeed and feel loved. and doing door dash has helped me feel less scared of people and driving even tho im still so anxious its building my confidence to do it scared anyway, and i can control my hours so if im not able to keep it together i can stay home and not feel guilty or scared of losing my job even tho the pay is meh its better than nothing. im so grateful for the progress ive made even tho i know i have miles to go. ive also been vlogging my ups and downs, scared and tbh lazy to edit and post but its helpful to look back on either way. we got this :)

[@eternaltengri7657]

yeah the feeling of regression is literally the worst. so is the over intellectualizing. it’s funny because from an outside perspective it’s like, “wow this poor woman, all of this internal strife is nonsense, her life doesn’t need to be this way” and i know the same could be said of me which is reassuring that like “oh all these negative things i think about myself aren’t even true” but when you’re trapped in your own perspective its like a death loop also the way everyone shits on cluster b personalities like bpd and narcissism must be extremely hard because like all they do is pass moral judgment talking about how these people are so bad, it’s just a modern boogeyman it’s a bunch of bullshit cluster b people are people and like you said at least with bpd it’s because they feel so DEEPLY. hope you feel better mate this is tough shit

[@enzagualtieri6643]

It really is like a death loop. Like a trap that we self-created, because it's true realistically no one is telling us to feel this bad about ourselves but being in a constantly negative environment or headspace leads us to believe the most hurtful things about ourselves, and to an outsider, they can just say " she's creating these problems she just needs to snap out of it" but for me having dealt with these feelings since I was 13 I find it easier to result to negativity and self-hatred then positivity and self-love. Literally, when people find out I have bpd it's like all of a sudden they look at me like im some creature that needs to be separated from everyone but im just trying to live like everyone else, my brain just didn't develop properly from constant states of unresolved stress and trauma that I didn't even cause. Thank you for your comment :)

[@eternaltengri7657]

@ yeah agreed, i wish i knew what the answer to all this self hatred and stuff is but i don’t or id tell you. i’m just trying to have more grace with myself and acceptance and stuff lately as well as figuring out how to build self esteem and confront insecurities again mate im sorry you’re struggling, its tough out here for so many of us but we’re so conscientious of this stuff and our issues and work on being self-insightful that i truly believe one day things will be better and even normal

[@icyivy675]

Its so comforting that you're so truthful and honest in what you're saying, i relate to alot of what you're saying and i love you so much for this. Please take small baby steps at a time, you don't have to do something big immediately in the long journey of getting better, its all about the small steps we take everyday 💚lots of love.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so so much, baby steps every day. And im so glad you found comfort in my video, sending love 💞💞

[@berry6467]

Thank you for sharing your story. This video has been so educative for me giving me a much deeper insight into bpd diagnosis in a testimonial perspective has actually confirmed how I've been misdiagnosed. A lot of people may have similar symptoms but a lot of the times can be a mixture of ptsd, social anxiety and major depression, though my comment may seem counterintuitive to the message in the video, but videos like this are so important to get a glimpse of the suffering people with real bpd go through. And figuring out getting the root cause of our emotional instability.

[@TheAlaninator856]

Thank you Enza for sharing this. You and I are almost the same age and for my whole life I've struggled with mental health issues without understanding what my issues were or where they came from. I've suspected that I have generalized anxiety disorder, depression, autism and ADHD, yet I've never felt like I could truly consider one of these disorders to the root of my issues. After watching your video I did some research on BPD and did an online test and came out with mild symptoms. Plus, you've described so much of what I've experienced throughout my life with your fantastic articulation of your feelings and I can finally find some closure thanks to you and possibly see a professional. While I'm not a woman, much of what you describe is highly relatable, but not so much these days due to my strong ability to mask and the work I've done on my mental health alone. I've felt alone, ashamed and disgusted about my personality for so long that I've learned to mask away my feelings and expressions to the point that I feel numb. While I've gotten a lot better at controlling myself over the years due to fear of being outcasted, I still have days where I rot in bed all day due to being ashamed of myself for being a burden to my loved ones. I can finally explain why I've made such drastic and bad decisions when I was younger. For instance, I used to make content on my channel and became very successful, yet I decided to delete my videos for no reason. I also recall ending several friendships throughout my life. Even in recent months I've had breakdowns resulting in lashing out at my family that I should leave them for good. Things have gotten better, but I clearly have a lot to work on, and your video pointed me in the right direction. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I wish you the best of luck!

[@AnjelD-z6o]

You will find more things to love, that’s one of the biggest points of the future for anyone. You will be ok, you may not feel like it, but feelings can deceive you. You will be I ok. I am going through something extremely similar to what you’re going through and I know it can be rough, but you will see better days. Thank you for being so brave with sharing what you’re going through, this video is extremely relatable. You are a very introspective and brave soul. I hope you feel better as soon as possible.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you :) 💞💞

[@savannah495]

The thing about not wanting to see yourself in 10 years is something I think about almost every day! Like, if it's already this bad when I'm supposedly in the "prime of my life," then I don't even want to know what it's going to be like in the future.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

It really is terrifying, It get's exhausting and really hard to see things through :(

[@JanaRadic-u8q]

Heey ❤ deeply empathisez with your story. Be careful, i am 32years old, at one point i gave into the addiction i couldnt hold myself anymore. I am sober for 5years now but my pmdds are hell in sobriety. Just avoid drugs and medication at any cost and you will be fine. If you need to scream into the pillow, scream at people but dont do any drugs dont take any medication. It will make it 10times wors. Sending you love. You are not alone and you are so brave ❤

[@earth.angel05]

this is so brave and i relate so much. mourning the loss of the person you once were. fighting a war in ur mind u feel like u have 0 chance of winning. and the horrible isolation because you know people won't understand and will only perceive you as lazy. feeling like ur time is running out but honestly i think our lives are just beginning

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I agree too, life really is just beginning and can only really begin when we start being honest about where we are in life and where we want to be 💞💞

[@jankaietuzveikalu]

literally earlier this day wrote in my notes “my room and everything has been a mess lately, i cleaned it today, but i don’t feel like i deserve to have it clean”, so the part where u said ab having a hard time making good habits because it feels like you don’t deserve it really hit home (also you are very funny!)

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I resonate deeply 💞 and thank you :)

[@baaly8234]

maladaptive daydreaming sucks so much. The sense of being real just starts to blur and I don't even recognise the person in the mirror anymore. I relate so much to what you're saying. The inability to feel stable is breaking me. Every promise I make to myself I can break just 40 minutes later. Everything just feels so out of control. And it just continues that way and I can't see an end in sight. Days, Months and now years, just go by without me noticing and the regret just builds over time. I regret not doing more not having friendships but even when I do I always push them away. maybe this is too much about me. (I took some pills to calm down from a thought spiral from hell and I don't even know if I'm making any sense) But I feel you. I understand what it feels like and it helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels trapped

[@radxson]

this is so raw

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@Linabluwi]

I feel you deeply. I hope things get easier soon , hold onto whatever keeps you going because you’re just as worthy as anyone else! You’re not alone in this and having a mental illness doesn’t make you any less of a person, we gotta accept that life isn’t always easy nor fair sometimes but it can get better. Thank you for posting this you’re really helping a lot of people

[@iamswarms]

I had a stroke a few years ago and then suffered depression like I could have never imagined. I understand what you're feeling to some extent. If it's any help you look great, sound intelligent and thoughtful. I hope someday you will see yourself as others do. Stay strong!

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Im so sorry you went through that, I hope things have gotten better for you 💞💞

[@gamersrevolution5302]

First off Happy 25th Birthday! I had been putting off watching this for a minute but day of all days did I get a urge to watch this, funny how it works sometimes. I have to applaud you for having the courage to share your experience and the level of reflection you have. From what you mention alot of it deeply resonates with me, I have had a how lot of trauma going up and know at 23 am realising alot of the issues, conditions and also found out that I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I also feel you when you look at your age and say you feel like you had been grieving a former self. When I had that thought I had to look back and realise that I still had many of the same issues I do now but I just wasn't aware of how they were affecting my life. I'm really rooting for you and hope that your struggle eases where ever the journey takes you. ❤

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you so so much, I am rooting for you too, we can get there even if its baby steps 💞💞 🤗🤗

[@nataliedallimore3218]

I have suffered for PMDD for years and didn't know. I feel for you so much! I've been eating a whole food plant-based diet for the last 3 months and it is helped me so much! I feel like mornings to come out about pmdd and they need to do a documentary. Unless they have done one. Let me know.❤

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I feel for you, sending so much love 💞 PMDD is such a scary disorder and it's barely discussed anywhere, the switches can be so drastic and it literally feels like becoming a different person. I haven't seen documentaries but there are reddits that are so helpful to follow because everyone is experiencing and documenting and validating and supporting each other. They have you fill out a form first to be allowed in the subreddit so it's only for people with pmdd and not trolls. It's under r/PMDD. It's been a great help and people give amazing advice on how to manage. I'm going to try out the whole food diet, I'm hoping it will work for me as well.

[@bunnywavyxx9524]

i relate to you so much its scary. when i listen to music that reminds me of my escapisms, or daydreaming, it feels just as harrowing as times where i'm suffering and depressed. the extreme daydreaming and romanticization of everything is such a detrimental habit. you feel like life is better than it is and to your conscious mind it's like a dream but it's really some sparkly nightmare, i felt i was as distant from reality as i was during psychosis. its just so hard to exist in this reality as is, there's just nothing tangible about extreme suffering. there's nothing you can hold onto. i cant let myself have good things because i'm so used to everything going wrong, i always expect to suffer in the end i dont even try to reason when anything goes wrong, that i still self sabotage even when i make my life better. I have so many storylines and if i got rid of all of them it would just shatter me.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

omg, the perfect way to describe it "sparkly nightmare", that's exactly what it feels like. and it's so much easier to get lost in it than participate in reality. self-sabotage can become so addicting and I completely understand the not even trying to reason when things go wrong. like just succumbing to it and letting it take over everything. Thank you for commenting this, I really hope that somewhere down the line we can learn to be kinder to ourselves. 💞💞

[@mar_twa_wod_aa]

Mood. Even when one has it all realised, it's like... now what? These storylines you've mentioned, they just seem so vital, what even is there to me without them? Great comment, I totally relate.

[@kayzzzzzzzzz]

i understand 100%. pmdd sucks the life out of life itself. along with bpd, i feel its comsumed me and ruined relationships I've had with people. its even worse when they dont seem to understand how consuming these mental illnesses are, like im aware of it, of course, but its not just something i can snap out of either, thats what makes it completely consuming. i feel just as insecure, i mean im only 19, almost 20, and feel like my life is already over since living this way makes it so difficult to stay on top of classes, jobs, just responsibilities in general. you coming on here with the raw emotion speaking on these disorders takes a lot of courage and its very comforting being able to see and hear about someone going through pretty much the exact same thing, despite it being so shitty. all power to you:)

[@mimimi5656]

I don't have PMDD but I have the exact same symptoms and riddles with a whole bunch of other mental illnesses. I'm about 10 months sober now from an addiction as well, and I found everything you said so relatable. I hope us luck in this journey to getting better.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I wish you luck too 💞💞

[@musiclistening8391]

I'm listening to this bc it feels so pure and bc it makes me feel less lonely

[@michaelcarroll8599]

I had some of your issues when I was a younger man. I don't have these issues now. Honestly, I think I grew out of it. I matured and only focused on myself. I also realised the importance of building great relationships. Everyone has their own journey. Another aspect - keep social media to a minimum; it will make you lonely.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Yea I noticed taking time away from social media has made my intrusive thoughts and comparative mindset significantly more at peace. I think focusing on ourselves is really all we got and we have to learn to feel safe and confident within ourselves and our abilities, thank you for sharing 💞💞

[@CassieCatnip]

you're not annoying

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@Linabluwi]

Omg im bawling my eyes out. I’ve been going through the same exact situation for the last year and no matter how hard I try to feel better I always get right back to it i felt so isolated and so alone and like I was going crazy and I have bpd too ! I relate to you so much

[@velevetyy]

oh my god im struggling w similar, i am so terrified, confused, and struggling all the time. i dont think i could ever film myself not cause its shameful or anything (im just paranoid) i respect u sm im so happy u made this video not cause ur suffering at all but idk uve helped ppl feel less alone. yt has been so negative lately and this is different, i hope someday me, u, and all of us struggling with similar can find some solace or healing.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@Whenallwozkool]

I think you're awesome. Sending love, strength, peace and happiness from the UK!

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Aww thank you so much!! ☺💞

[@Whenallwozkool]

@@enzagualtieri6643 There is so much I want to say to you.

[@SOLOSIEMPRE-fw3jl]

dude your videos are literally like listening to my inner monologue hahahaha

[@satanexe5632]

im really soirry youre going through this but it genuinely makes me feel so much better knowing im not the only one.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Im so happy to heart that, all I ever want is for even just one person to know that someone gets them 💞

[@2mn2nl]

yeah this fucking video is too goddamn relatable.. i literally jus turned 20 and i feel like a complete failure, and like i don’t think im brilliant or anything like that but i know that i could be something in life if it wasn’t for my mental illness… im watching myself fade away and every day that goes by it feels harder to get “back on track” even tho i don’t even know what that means anymore

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I know what you mean:( , my definition of what it means to be back on track is so clouded that I barely see the path or the steps to take, I think maybe the first step is to accept where you are mentally and really analyze what holds you back, because sometimes my definition of back on track gets foggy with what others expect of me but it has to come from your heart and your own desire. And I always believe that we can all be something of greatness when we really choose to focus on ourselves. But it's easier said than done. im going to be making some videos soon about learning to be yourself completely even if others don't agree with the choices you make, I promise that life will become more fulfilling in the long run. Sending hugs 🤗🤗

[@Perfektus089]

I feel the same as you do in every way possible

[@tallulah9789]

Whats weird for me is that I feel like ill get myself into a relationship and loose myself in it, but I will feel like I have a purpose and something to get out of bed for. My mind will consume itself in the relationship, but I will never be satisfied with the other person or myself in the relationship. We'll breakup and I will struggle to find a means to live. I have so many dreams and passions for what I want to achieve yet sit around doing nothing or getting addicted to drinking and drugs because every time I'm sober I just don't believe I'm capable of anything. I don't see reasons to love myself or even tolerate myself. It is the most confusing way to live. This video made me feel less alone thankyou. I hope your journey takes you to a life you cherish and deserve. Also your v funny you made me laugh.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I understand you completely. Reading this made me tear up. My daily thoughts tbh. I hope your journey does as well and thank you so much 💞💞

[@ESB6-u3t]

I cannot seem to fathom if I have BPD or autism with CPTSD or BPD honestly

[@sallybyte]

ive never felt so seen by a video

[@ketz_165]

Do you ever feel like you're missing something compared to normal people? Is there a secret that I'm not in on? Did I miss some crucial development period? Why do I want relationships so bad but can't keep them? Mostly yapping but I'm most concerned about the first question lol.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I feel that way always :(

[@orchidchild577]

I feel you girl. you're not alone

[@angelt0pia]

I know it's hard for you, but I find comfort in the fact that it's mot just me who feels this way

[@santigrandbois14]

Life is fucking exhausting, most of the time I don't got a hold and yet I keep living, and you keep living. Thank you, I hope you can give love to yourself, I know you may not feel deserving of it, but you are, that I know as fact, and I know it for myself too.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you, we really are deserving of it 💞💞

[@mrusso965]

Ill always stick around for your highs and lows

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@paperface99]

I relate to this so much especially when it comes to making friends

[@Chrisbi-Wan]

The honesty is appreciated. I'm barely holding myself back from saying your issues could have a spiritual root as I know that kind of advice is often not appreciated but - oops, I guess I already said it.

[@Musical_parks]

BPD originates from trauma in early childhood. I guess spiritually speaking it could be something that is a repeated cycle through incarnations, in which case you hope she can get it this time around. The disorder itself definitely brings in dark energies but the actual root is very complex

[@chlommers]

i didn't know other people felt this way

[@Musical_parks]

BPD is agony, pure agony. That’s what it is for the sufferer and that’s what it is for the people around the sufferer. Healing is necessary. You said your a Virgo so if your open minded to that stuff then connecting to the spiritual can be immensely helpful. I suggest shadow work it helps in my own experience. Remember, BPD does have a hopeful remission rate with treatment and proper care. On another note, I feel if you found someone else with the disorder and got close with them it would either go badly or really helpful y’know 🎲

[@jprobertson-e1j]

I relate to everything you said. My mind has become my worst enemy.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I'm so sorry to hear that, getting stuck in the mind feels like hell :( , I hope you're okay

[@archangecamilien1879]

Lovely...

[@james_daniels]

I wish I could go on camera and tell people my issues. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore due to my issues. It sucks and I have no one to talk to but maybe one or two family. My ex was bpd too. I tried so much to help her but I couldn’t do it. It ended horribly. I’ll never be the same after her.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this :( It takes a long time to get comfortable with yourself with BPD because it's hard to know which parts are you and which parts are the emotionally stunted parts, It's also so difficult when both people in a partnership have BPD, It really is a disorder where the person needs to grow themselves because others words or concern feels like a threat but it does get better the more you talk about it, even if you make voice memo diaries for yourself or write everything or make trash collages with your feelings, even the small things help even for a moment 💞💞

[@keiseegee]

(i'm 22 y.o., ovulating? actually really normal but this rant is about to seem crazy and idc) real real real about the taking drugs (illegal and prescribed- i'm sober now tho)and realizing how uncomfortable everything is and how much i'm hiding even from myself. trying to cut out social media/any form of comparison and just really focusing on like.... what fabrics feel good and what tea i like and taking care of my eczema, etc. is helping a lot. i just try to pretend i'm living in the neolithic era during pmdd episodes and it still sucks monkey nuts but i don't feel AS crazy bad because i'm a cavewoman. relationships are still achy and hard but taking them slow and light is really helpful, depth comes with time. sorry for the rant i'm procrastinating homework and that also makes me crazy

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I love your comments, they make my heart feel seen. Being sober is so terrifying like, ewww why am i so shy and i can feeel myself being awkward but i cant stop it and why am I pretending like things are good and lying to myself. Im literally making a video about comparing ourselves tommorow. These jorunal pages right now are filled loll. Lmao I need to try that during a pmdd epsiode, I wish I read this earlier before this week hit me. Also you can always rant in my comments, I love to hear perspectives and to relate to people 💞💞

[@keiseegee]

@@enzagualtieri6643 yayay i'm glad my rant(s) got to you :') good luck with the library volunteering and everything to come afterward!

[@codyswanforever]

My borderline is the fucking biggest battle I’ve ever fought and I don’t feel strong enough to

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I'm so sorry :( I know exactly how you feel, it's so difficult to navigate every single day but I hope there's some comfort in knowing that there's a lot of us out there and that we can help each other feel seen when no one else understands what we're going through 💞💞

[@Hello-gf2og]

What the fuck its like youre speaking my mind!!!

[@Hello-gf2og]

Youre literally the girl verson of me fuuuuuu

[@Warmolt48]

I think the mourning of the previous self is quite natural, because you are used to being able to do so much and then suddenly being able to only work 4 hours, ofcourse that sucks. I've been there, But I feel like the selfhatred you get is worse than actually not being able to do what you once could. For myself the acceptance of feeling shitty and living shitty makes me work it somewhat emotionally thru... Then I have days where I don't cook and sleep whole days... And if you slowely make positive steps (also accepting your need to retreat is positive) You'll slowely feel more satisfied, but it works also the other way around, the negative the anxiety and the daydreaming without commitment. Then you feel even more sucky by just sitting there and the cycle continues. Now you feel shit and you say i wanna do this; but axiety or some other hurdle fucks your motivation then it's also okay to say welp fuck it: I'm incapable today. And even the presedent is just fucking around... Goodluck my dude!

[@Warmolt48]

Also idk if you live in a city, but walking in nature and either screaming your ass off or just embracing the beauty. Nature does something very powerfull, especially for someone sensitive.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

you explained it perfectly 💞the self-hatred makes it so much harder to push through but it's so easy to get trapped in that cycle. I think I fail at getting better because I try to change everything so drastically and in a perfectionist way. I guess another form of self-sabotage. It's all about learning to give yourself grace and the space to grow. I want to try to get out in nature like I used to, especially this fall and on rainy days. Thank you for your comment it makes me feel less alone from how accurate it is to how I feel :)

[@Warmolt48]

@@enzagualtieri6643 I'm learning myself that when I feel grumpy people still listen to me and respect me eventhough I'm not so JOLLY AND HAPPY aka i don't feel like i show my perfect side... it frustrates me... but I'm also glad no body cares except for me!

[@Warmolt48]

And being able to do baby steps and being somewhat happy about the baby steps is what has had helped me the most. Plus my lows are now better managed and quicker... Because we're running at like 20% of our capabilities right now so not able to do everything is normal... And having the hope that one day you'll reach that 80% and be a "functioning human"

[@Warmolt48]

Ps I'm 25 :P

[@dbeanocow]

You are loved. 🤍

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@AhnisGameroom]

We must be twins. I came across this video random listening to sad multi fandom videos. I wish I could explain everything you said to my therapist because it’s exactly 100% dot on the nose how I Feel. Even down to the illness of a auto immune disease (with no cure 🎉) I remember trying to explain to my ex how my mind works and my mood disorder and BPD and was told “if I had your brain I would kill myself”.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Omg, im happy to hear that they're an ex. I've been told that too and im like great i have to live in here not you. People see us with BPD as weak but literally we are the complete opposite. There's so much strength and resilience in this disorder. Omg and the auto immune, yea it's hell to live with two things that are constantly overlapping and being triggered by each other. Sending you hugs 🤗🤗

[@keketherealmvp7568]

I’m not diagnosed with anything (tho I suspect I may have ADHD and anxiety and I’m considering getting tested), but I relate to being sensitive and feeling deeply and I hate that about myself as well. I have also had similar feelings with being insecure about myself (mainly dealing with looks) and noticing I’m more reserved than I used to be which makes me ask myself what happened. I am about to graduate college and have not felt motivated at all and don’t know what I’m gonna do in life yet. I am kinda dissatisfied with my social life cuz I don’t go out and hardly talk to friends I have which is not very many to begin with. I just feel like I could be doing more and I’m always in my head about things, especially now cuz I have to think about my future which is beyond stressful and I wish I wasn’t graduating. My mood swings are terrible during pms and I basically let myself go during that time cuz I feel like shit. I wouldn’t call myself an alcoholic or a drug addict because I don’t do these things often but I have indulged in alcohol and edibles to drown out how I’m feeling in the moment and I struggle a lot with food cuz I just eat unhealthy and my sweet tooth is insatiable (tho I think that is slowly improving). I don’t know what it’s like to be in your situation but I said all that to say that I can somewhat relate and it’s nice to know you’re not alone in feeling absolutely shitty. Also, I’m 23 and a Virgo as well

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I think it really would benefit you to get tested, sometimes we go our whole lives suffering even in subtle normalized ways when there could've been an explanation all along and accommodations that could make things easier. I also used to be a big alcohol drinker to drown out the feelings, alone in my room. Edibles also. It can get very dark quickly and I really hope that you get the proper support you need

[@jesse-gz1ri]

You're not alone I am in the same boat as you.

[@Dolritto]

8:45 "Both? Both. Both is good."

[@mendi881]

OMG, I have an immense urge to hug you. ❤❤

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@cielthefangirl2876]

i relate so much i h8 it. Not you, never you but how real you word it. im also 25 living off disability, im lucky to have the money i got. But every day is killer. It also doesnt help its an abusive house hold. But where else would something like me belong? im happy im not alone.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Living off of disability discourages me so much, im also happy that I have the income but it's like if I didn't get this I would be so broke from living with a chronic illness that has ruined my ability to stay in jobs. You belong to so much more, my grandmother always says "Better off alone than in bad company", I used to be in an abusive relationship and I genuinely didn't believe that I deserved anything more or the idea that at least they put up with me because nobody ever would but that mentality destroyed me. It's like we have to learn to be able to put up with ourselves and love ourselves enough to be that rock for ourselves. I hope you're okay :(

[@californiagrapes6761]

I battle bpd, well bpd beats the shit outta me.

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I feel that heavy

[@kingjman2597]

Hopefully things get better

[@Timothy_Osman]

Ok I'll respond but let me start by saying they have told me I have everything at some point in time, other times they say I'm a drug addict for still using what they banned me from being prescribed

[@kunalshitole3419]

sorry to hear you're suffering so much but i know how it feels to diagnosed with depression and living with it. Last month my therapist suggested me to book a session of Psych-K and from there I've seen lot of positive changes in me. Please give it try

[@Dream-ji6dg]

she just like me fr

[@aryafarzanegan2003]

I'm very cold and distant. I can relate to everything you said but I think I deserve to be alone. no one wants to deal with me. I can't bring myself to care for someone if my life depended on it

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I understand how you feel completely. Everyday the thoughts i have are about how i shouldn't have people in my life because i can be avoidant and I can be mean and I can be "too much", but the right people will be there for you and make it easier to love again. They wont make you feel like youre too much, even if its one person. Obviously easier said then done, took me five years to start to allow people in. I think its important to rememeber that we really do need to love ourselves before we can give love to other people. Im learnign that the hard way :(, but baby steps, even little tiny baby steps. 💞💞

[@philpopper8879]

If I followed my brain and emotions wherever they led, I’d definitely be way dysfunctional still too. When I found Jesus and started getting into God’s word, I really did find stability I would have never had elsewhere. Read Matthew 7:24-29!! It’s real. Praying for you, sister

[@bxqrii]

have you tried taking birth control? ive been diagnosed with PMDD and was told i possibly have BPD as well. i started taking birth control and it has helped with my PMDD symptoms so much and made my emotions and social situations a lot more manageable

[@Jessica_May1]

I would actually be your friend ❤

[@enzagualtieri6643]

💞💞

[@reshade111]

You're really pretty

[@WizloBaggins]

Journaling/Vlogs would certainly help out. I may not be an original watcher of your content, but I do find you personality traits strongly wild, for better or worse. I would type more on your dilemma but it's probably crap you've heard many times. So, I'll leave it like this and hope for the best. Stay safe Enza, from one anon to another!

[@enzagualtieri6643]

Thank you :) 💞 Definitely will be vlogging and sharing journal entries like I used to

[@yurix5321]

you are me fr

[@RobS77777]

me too sweet, time to uberEATs for the 3rd time to day :D

[@enzagualtieri6643]

me ordering taco bell every time loll

[@navyblueskiess]

You're not annoying:)

[@shaynemartin3955]

Check out Mikayla Peterson's the carnivore diet for your autoimmune issues. If you can afford it.

[@thekushgremlin]

What do you actually mean by losing yourself?

[@thekushgremlin]

I never had this much on my head, but personally, learning behavioral biology and stuff associated with it (stuff that happens in every brain and correlation of particular patterns) helped me to get out of my world hatred bubble

[@307c10]

Heyy haha😉

[@raaedk]

incel ahhh video

[@enzagualtieri6643]

I don't think you know the definition of that word lol

[@silent9310]

most people have some form of BPD/NPD nowadays, i don't have any real advice for you besides engaging in some sort of social work that demands some amount of self-sacrifice, perhaps involving children or the elderly. I think in an atomized world where you don't really care about other's peoples future there is no real incentive or motive to not take drugs nonstop and be hedonistic.