What Avoidants Hope For When You Go No Contact

www.exboyfrien... - Interested in coaching with me or one of our coaches?
The number one thing that an avoidant hopes for when you go no contact is to have time to throw off their magician's outfit.
Alright, so what the heck is a magicians outfit? And what does it have to do with what an avoidant hopes for when you go no contact?
Well, that's what we'll be covering in today's video!

[@tingting6889]

And all of this calamity could be easily avoided by a simple “Hey I am struggling and I need some space.”

[@theexmate]

but it need courage

[@GesuHeche-fv4hx]

@@theexmate yep true. it requires vulnerability and communication

[@mark6384]

When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.

[@cicichambers3887]

9r....hear me out..."I feel like X, and I don't know why. Instead of running, I am going to get some therapy. Give me a couple weeks to start that journey and I'll check in with you. You Tube has taught me that constantly running isn't healing or avoiding. And I like you and respect you, so I’m not ending this or running. I’m fixing me and staying in this."

[@Emillyy94]

@@mark6384 well said! I can relate so much to this from my previous relationship.

[@Juba80611]

As much as you love them and care about them. They end up breaking you in pieces and disregard you like you meant nothing to them. Whats sadder? Is they go back chasing emotionally unavailable people.

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Glad to be the 100th person to like this lol. Anyways, thats interesting. Why avoidants chase emotionally unavailable people? I never noticed this before. I thought they chase anxious...

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

@@DZ-jz8bj hey, they dont. We all just get together with people we are attracted to initially. Hardly any attachment theory is applicable until avoidants get their fears triggered. They get with alot of secures too. However, the relationship naturally breaks down quickly with a secure since secure people trigger avoidant fears quickest. And a secure person generally will not put up with an avoidant for very long when they deactivate. An avoidant however will STAY in a relationship very long with toxic people because toxic people are also emotionally unavailable. They will also stay in a long term rs with another avoidant, who is also basically toxic because they are both emotionally unavailable and dont trigger each others fears. Makes sense?

[@mommabear2305]

Secure people leave quickly. Anxious people think things will get better if they only give the avoident everything and suppress their own needs. They are takers and there is no you and your thoughts/feelings. There is no emotional intimacy with the avoident. Healthy people will never be accepting of dealing with that.

[@user-qy9ku7cj5v]

Exactly they are not worth it. The woman that lied and cheated on me I would never take her back.

[@sheliasmith2884]

​@johndoe8that is the saddest thing 923-k2d

[@Arcadiia]

For over four years I was in a relationship with a DA (dismissive avoidant). For so long I gave him so much time and patience to confront these inner issues that were evident at least 2 years into the relationship. I told him I would help him and that I loved him - what better time to work on yourself than with someone who won't give up on you and will love you through it? He refused to do any self-reflecting or any inner work, and when I asked him to make it or break it, he broke it. He broke up with me back in May and I'm still reeling on how fast he packed up and left me; the things he said to me during the breakup and how he acted was so unnerving. It was like I could not recognize this man anymore. I still cry at night over it. I really do not want to be dramatic, but the breakup was so traumatizing for me. I love(d) this man with my whole heart, and for him to break up and treat me like we didn't just have four years together is so hard to reconcile with. At least videos like this give me some answers and maybe one day, closure.

[@tarkov666]

I think most people here know that feeling of shock and confusion of what happened to the person you thought you knew and how blindsiding it they were. Best thing I can say is if you can't get closure, indifference is the next best thing.

[@cspace1234nz]

That’s how it is with these people unfortunately and it’s very hard to deal with. The key is to learn from it in order to ensure any future relationships are not with avoidants, which is easier said than done

[@walkertranger5746]

I had 7 years with a DA I completely identify with you . I loved her deeply and I’ve never been so devastated when she ghosted me 10months ago. I went NC and I still suffer at the loss. It’s like mourning death. The fact is , she could heal if she chose to heal. Instead she ran from our emotional intimacy.

[@beIETian]

Why do you think you need closure , when you ask him to make it or break it? And he chose to break up. I'd consider that as closure, no.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@beIETian ….I agree with you on that, hard as it is for many to accept. It’s as if they think that one more meeting, one more hug, a few kind words, or whatever, will make all the difference when mostly it’s just prolonging it. I discarded an avoidant and the last thing I would want is to see her again. My feeling would be…”which one am I seeing here” because what we see in not authentic

[@hannahkioko6770]

This is the best explanation of what an avoidant is. I say 'best' because for it clearly shows that it has NOTHING to do with the partner, and there is NOTHING the partner can do to make it better.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yea it's literally a cancer.

[@taylorbee4010]

From someone who has loved of one these people dearly Don’t be afraid to take the cloak off. We don’t wanna love a facade. We want to love YOU.

[@divinelymoowah6104]

you are a beautiful gentle soul 🥰💝 I appreciate the love you’re choosing to share and extend to the rest of us along our journey

[@JessicaMartinez-or4pg]

They don’t want to be loved ..as per my experience with an avoidant

[@michaeladams6154]

How could you love someone you never really knew?

[@michaeladams6154]

@@JessicaMartinez-or4pgwe can’t be loved. A lifetime of being used and manipulated, and being punished for any genuine expression of ourselves robs us of our very personhood

[@taylorbee4010]

@@michaeladams6154 they take it off sometimes

[@markitoxi]

Chris, an idea for your next vid. Explain how the “ick” works in an avoidant. How they can manage to bury their feelings and love they had for their partner. It’s something that amazes me beyond belief and I think many others would also appreciate.

[@brownell.landrum]

I'm not sure they are actually able to "love." The can only love that you loved them. They can't love YOU because it's all about THEM.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

@@brownell.landrumalmost narcissistic

[@michaeladams6154]

@@susannahpearethcan5ing in a way it’s like narcissism, it’s the replacement of the real person they were with a constructed identity they needed to survive. The difference is it’s not ego-driven, it’s survival-driven.

[@waterlilynymph]

I loved my avoidant for what was underneath the magician’s outfit. But I can walk away now, knowing that I tried my best to show him the love he may never had have. I am rewarded with a new love in the form of a man who is more secure and does not have the same guards up. After my advoidant pulled me close and then pushed me away so many times for three years during a long distance romance, I can finally let go with love. His unhealed self is just not what I need to be happy. I did try, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I tried to love a tragic character like the advoidant magician.

[@Mate_Mateo]

Good for you. 🎉 hoping the rest of us catch the same train 😊

[@Confessions089]

When you realize that all along they have always had love from others, even if just one other. Then you realize that they're faking that they never had love to get love from you because their always the victim.

[@tijana_veljic]

Dear Chris, this is one of the most dramatic, intense and poetic explanations of avoidant' inner drama. I want to thank you for all your efforts and useful but in the same time beautiful videos you make for the world. I wish the man with this vision a victory over his own fears of vulnerbility, I wish all avoidants to let go and let love comes in and save them. This was so sad to watch. God bless you!❤

[@divinelymoowah6104]

🥰😌👏🏼you’ve a kind soul

[@mr.darlingdopamine9551]

This video broke my heart even more than it already was broken. I want to help her heal these wounds but it is impossible. She pushed me away just at the peak of our relationship. I fear we may forever remain strangers now, but it brings me comfort knowing that she might sometimes reminisce on the beautiful once in-a-lifetime love we shared :,(

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

Me too 😢

[@vladimirmelnikov849]

I feel you, man. Realising my powerlessness in healing them hurt so much, and all I can hope for is they wake up and finally do it themselves until it's too late

[@williamjlusk7940]

Amazing the hurt these people inflict in their relationships. After two years and two break ups and two engagements, I'm in no contact now again and forever with JMS. It's been very hard, but necessary. To go back, to contact her, is just prolonging the pain. I'm looking forward to renewed mental health and someone appreciating me as much as I do her!!!

[@michaeladams6154]

As someone who is a fearful avoidant I can tell you this; we can’t be helped or healed, we are honestly people who in most cases never should have been born in the first place. You can’t heal from being an aberration

[@stephenmellor9264]

Why not let her read this text along with this video ? As well as fixing you through understanding her! It's the best and only way in my view for it to work. Grow together ❤

[@laceyloops]

I felt like he was wearing a mask and I told him to take it off because he doesn't need one with me. He broke up with me two days later. That's where he drew the line 😂

[@divinelymoowah6104]

my heart goes out to him but also 😂😭😂

[@Confessions089]

At some point, you have to realize that is who he is and what he wants to be until he's ready to change if ever. Then you should realize that you're wasting your time and life is too short for this. I know it sounds cliche, but it is truth.

[@vanessalanier1306]

😅

[@ladytrizzy]

😂😂😂

[@MichaelMike]

My ex--wife is a dismissive avoidant and an introvert. When I first met her, though, she was very social and I thought that she was somewhat extroverted. Turns out, it's just a facade. She is a social person when she NEEDS to interact with people, but she chooses not to interact with people very often. And thus, her social persona is her protective persona. In reality, she really has no self identity. Essentially, nobody knows who she truly is, not even me, her husband. She is often exhausted. She attempted to meet my needs but it was really just politeness, a performance - she was just being a pleaser, acquiescing, nothing else. Now she's trying to take care of herself, meet her own needs. She wears makeup for herself. After years of asking her to take care of herself or exercise she finally did so but not until she wanted to separate. And she truly doesn't see anything that she's doing wrong. It's odd because she herself believes that a relationship is two people who don't actually need each other but just "add value". In other words, she meets her own needs, her partner meets their own needs.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Ironically and unfortunately men value this highly in society 😢 -from a woman

[@CeresIsABetterPlanetThanPluto]

I have no strong feelings that this absolutely right, but in my experience "I want you, I dont need you" *is* healthy attachment. I believe relationships work best when both people can acknowledge that they're replaceable AND have the confidence to believe it would be a downgrade. I like this advice because it helps both kinds of person to stay in balance. If you are so indispenseable to your partner that it would be unreasonable to expect another human being to do what you're doing for your partner, you need more self respect. If on the other hand almost anyone else would do the same, you're probably more selfish in your relationship than you want to admit to yourself. Humans are afterall biased to view our own efforts benevolently. And if "average" is your most benevolent take, you are probably under performing average. And on the other foot because we've run out of hands, if you think you are the only person in the world who would love your partner still, you are almost guaranteed to already hate your partner for one reason or another. So leave.

[@vanessalanier1306]

Reading you post is like I’m reading about my husband

[@milkphish4122]

Wow. Reading this you are describing my girlfriend. Thanks for the validation.

[@MichaelMike]

@@milkphish4122 you're welcome. Better to find this out now than be married for a long time wondering why your relationship is so difficult

[@salvomig2368]

The dismissive avoidant tricks you into thinking they are normal. They even wear a magicians outfit to play the part of the trickster. Eventually they get tired of their outfit, charade, and find a new one to wear. They toss the outfit away along with their audience. On to the new participant, and the death wheel continues. There, fixed it for you lol

[@777-h6n]

Their next victim😂🎉

[@IhEarzYu]

I like this explanation. It's fun and informative at the same time.

[@ladytrizzy]

death wheel,😂😂😂

[@Emillyy94]

@@salvomig2368 you’re not wrong, they trick you with love bombing, make you think they can love you and are all in this relationship but it’s all an act because once you fall for that charade, it triggers their fears of closeness & engulfment and potentially finding out they’re not this person and they gotta blast before you do but now you’re already attached by this point and have no idea why they want to break up because in your fantasy land things were going good so you thought but it isn’t reality.

[@echokammersurvivor2210]

I noticed that avoidants have ZERO sense of time, they challenge destiny all day like they live forever. my avoidant always futurefaked like we have still time and talks about stuff in the past like it happened yesterday. it's so annoying when you want to connect but they know they can put you on hold and you still will be there if nothing else happens and if something happens they dont even make the math to understand they self sabotaged everything can't connect with a new romance interest, because theyre all unhealed cptsd people can't connect with the old one, because they are control freaks who aren't even in control of their own emotions.

[@alletsasil]

This, EXACTLY! They are never in a rush, they even avoid the smallest problems and bury their heads in the sand all the time if it means not talking and facing their partners. It’s so exhausting to deal with them, in the end only resentment keeps growing…

[@ksmith7402]

I can relate with this so so much

[@Quuuelgh]

The problem is they have first to get to a place where they a forced to reflect. Either bc they just cannot supress their emotions anymore (unlikely) or as you say repeat the cycle of failed relationships so often they literally start to loose their sanity. Currently i am going through a break up with a textbook dismissive avoidant and after 6 weeks of NC i met up with her last weekend to exchange things. She is in complete denial, nearly pressures herself to prove to herself that this was the right choice and treated me like a foreign person. While on the same hand completely acknowledges my personal progress (i lost 20 pounds), and literally told me "my head wanted you so much but my heart did not" (girl WHY the heck dont you ponder 1 sec about this deep internal conflict!?) Its tireing, exhausting and honestly i wouldn't bother any more about dating someone like this. They are definetly not bad ppl (quite the opposite), its not their fault, but it isn't ours either that they just cannot manage their own emotions properly. You can't be your partners therapist.

[@jenniferbyrne4567]

What drew you to her? That’s something you should explore.

[@n1icolas]

@@jenniferbyrne4567 Very true indeed and very deep ..

[@alwaysabiggafish3305]

Were you trying to explain to her how you can fix things?

[@Quuuelgh]

@@alwaysabiggafish3305 Nope. Immediatly did NC. I was drawn to her bc she was very very very organized in her personal life (much more than i do and like i always wanted to, definetly a topic of my life i fixed and worked on in the recent months) and bc shes genuinely a good person with many positive aspects. Like i said, they are not bad ppl but insanely difficult to get along with properly.

[@RobertNelson87]

Haha "My head wanted you so much but my heart did not". This is what they serve you to kinda explain to themselves why it didn't work out. These sentences are carefully crafted to deny any responsibility for the situation. Yo, take back your energy and keep it to yourself. You cannot talk it all out to reignite a spark or sth. If they cannot or are not willing to commit to you, you deserve better. Don't turn around. Move on.

[@user-ux3bx9jd3g]

This absolutely breaks my heart for them, but also gives me really good clarity. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a man that I think has FA but leans DA. I've spent the last almost 2 weeks now trying to make sense of why, on one hand, he seemed to genuinely care about me and then, on the other hand, nitpick at me and break it off one week after telling me I was "everything" he was looking for.

[@Shazlii]

Just like their name 'Avoidants' , avoid them at all costs. Its not your responsibilty to deal with their trauma.

[@divinelymoowah6104]

very true, not any one’s responsibility except their own; and yet relationships and a desire for intimacy beyond self requires another party so to avoid ppl like me who gained an avoidant attachment style really only perpetuates our belief no one would truly accept us or stick by us.

[@divinelymoowah6104]

ya know, I do want to say, this is why boundaries are important; if staying clear of ppl with avoidant attachment is necessary for you then by all means; but I also feel like making it such a rule for every one is sad and actually part of the equation that prevents a solution.

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

@@divinelymoowah6104 boundaries of any sort send avoidants fleeing and discarding people usually. Thats the problem. Ultimately avoidant behaviours are oxymoronic of a healthy relationship, the bulk of the healing lies with avoidant attachers, then the anxious, then lastly the secure. To sustain a relationship with avoidant folks defies the very meaning of connection, and is redundant. You guys don't get the immense flak online just by chance, you get it because your behaviours are extremely, and sometimes permanently damaging to healthy loving people who engaged with you because avoidants often masquerade as secure/anxious attachers at first, ESPECIALLY if people are unaware of attachment theory and do not have the knowledge to make sense of all the little things that pop up that don't present a big enough problem to cut the relationship short. And when emotional intimacy truly builds and people attach, thats when exactly avoidants deactivate.

[@Shazlii]

@@divinelymoowah6104 i have dealt with an avoidant and i almost lost my sanity trying to understand what i did wrong the relationship. He kept using the silent treatment, which in itself is a form of emotional abuse to gain the upper hand in the relationship until i decided to walk away from his life.

[@sevenpounds1463]

​@@divinelymoowah6104 No one would stick with you because your inner demon is triggered by your partner. With this setup it is impossible to stay and to help. It's like one of the only cases where your partner actually harms you (and more importantly him/herself) if he tries to stick with you and help you through it. The partner of an avoidant is like a syringe full of heroin to a drug addict. You have to do a big part of the healing process first (with therapy) and afterwards a partner can actually help you heal. It's not because people don't want to stay ( I really tried with my avoidant) it is, that it is impossible (I got discarded) and unhealthy (I never got emotionally abused so hard only recognising it in hindsight, after watching a ton of videos on this matter to help me heal) So Avoid the avoidants at all cost, as long as they are not actively working on themselves (therapy) is a really true statement warning everyone about your inner demons and not a warning about your true personality. I am so sad for people with avoidant attachment style. I wish them all the best and that they will get the help they need! It's an attachment issue made in hell. I wouldn't want my biggest enemy to have it!

[@anothercat9600]

"I do ALL relationship work, or YOU do all relationship work" Avoidants take roles, they can't share with an equal partner. First they court, but as soon as the other person starts helping out a bit in the courtship, the avoidant stops everything, and lets the other person do exactly all emotional work.

[@richard5829]

I hope this makes sense, I'm processing a lot right now. OMG this bought me to tears as I watched this. I saw myself truly, as I am for the very first time in my life. My cloak is actually different but nevertheless the very same. I am feeling this overwhelming sadness right now as I feel emotions surface and true realization of what I have done over many years. I had no idea that I was doing this, I had always reasoned that it was other people expecting too much but I see now that's not what occurred. I found this video so confronting, so overwhelming, so factual about myself, and yet so relieved. I'm going to need some time to fully process my thoughts and feelings about this but, when I feel I can I will endeavor to seek some professional help. Chris, I thank you for making this video, I hear you when you say it's an old topic and it's hard to keep talking about it BUT this video and none of the past videos actually got to me and made absolute sense to me SO, I truly thank you for rehashing the topic. The way you have made this actually got through and made so much sense. Now I need to try and process this information, anxiety, emotion, beliefs and understand my persona. I've been looking at this topic for some time because I thought a friend was an avoidant. I purchased "Attached" to learn more. I know right, sounds odd but i was blaming another person again for problems in a relationship as I was rationalizing it not working out, I read comments that point to avoidants being a pain, problem, strange, well so many options for what people think of us. The truth is for me, I had no true idea it was me and how I am, I had always thought it was other people not me. PLEASE understand this is so very difficult f, my wounds go very deep, and healing is going to take time to say the least. For people that have no tolerance for avoidants, please try to understand us/them, our wounds don't heal. I understand that now. I see my wounds for the very first time, healing is going to be slow as I deal with this. Again, thank you Chris.

[@thewholeyou]

Hey Richard I am so happy for you to be able to see now as you may not have in the past. You are now becoming "self aware" and starting to unpack your stuff and look at your childhood wounds & patterns will help you tremendously & I wish you so much success. However, the only caveat is for anyone dealing with a DA please please if they are not well into their healing & self aware run & run fast. I know this may offend some but for you for physical, mental, financial & emotional health get out ASAP. It's too large of an endeavor to take on for them. Everyone has to do there own work & you will be a shell of yourself if you stay & try to keep giving chance after chance and more of yours self as they take more of your soul while have no accountability nor remorse. Now I did warn ⚠️ you but we are all grown & u can do what u like but I would hate for you to wake ⏰️ up years later looking at yourself & not recognize the person looking back at you. Most of us have trauma so spend your time on you & your inner child wounds not theirs & once you're secure u will not even be attracted them at all.❤

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

Thank you for sharing. How do you suggest I gently ask my ex one last time to meet for coffee? I really need closure and can’t move on. Please help me x

[@hspinnovators5516]

Half the work is admitting it and owning the projections onto others. Your literally farther than most

[@Gatts2011]

they're exhausted from people pleasing and not the one they know they should be giving attention to🤣

[@CitiesOfAsh]

AKA 304s

[@777-h6n]

@@CitiesOfAshThey are just players😂🎉

[@jasomon2115]

​@@777-h6nwhat's with the party emoji?

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

They’re players for real

[@mark6384]

When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.

[@JCLove247]

Avoidants are narcissistic. Avoid them and run!!!! You deserve better. It’s draining to deal with their trauma. Even if they say “I’m willing to change”. Look at their actions and consistency, never words.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Narcissists do not bond. They might look avoidant or anxious and even having a disorganized attachment style depending of their needs or the mask they choose to wear. They might get use to you as the main supply but that doesn't mean they bond with someone. Narcissists don't bond with anyone.

[@Confessions089]

​@Lyrielonwind they make you feel like you are bonding until they have successfully gained the resources that they wanted from you. 😊

[@kanadop473]

Not all avoidants are narcissistic

[@juliettailor1616]

Spot on, sadly.

[@marzzzuq]

i appreciate your effort to keep helping us, despite how exhausting it must be to keep rehashing the same points and find a new idea to further illuminate us - an anxious attachment struggling on the path to becoming a secure attachment

[@cspace1234nz]

Who says you have to heal anything ? Being anxious in a relationship with one of these emotionally unavailable avoidant types is a perfectly normal human response and serves as a very strong indicator to get the hell away from that person. Get with the right person and there is no anxiety. If anything you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs. Good luck

[@brennam954]

@@cspace1234nz The problem is anxious have no boundaries and have a hard time cutting avoidants off. Anxious should definitely work towards secure attachment but more from the point of self-preservation.

[@marzzzuq]

@@cspace1234nz thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that *i* have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.

[@marzzzuq]

@@brennam954 agreed! 👍

[@dexteradams6515]

I had a close friendship with an avoidant person. I think I had an anxious attachment style. I went to therapy. She didn't. Over time the friendship felt worse and worse, feeling gross and draining. I wanted to talk to her about my frustration. What followed was a 6 month breakup where she blamed me for her behavior. She became increasingly more dismissive while never accepting responsibility for how painful her dismissive behavior was. She told me she wants to remain no contact but invited me to reach out to her in the future so she can consider reconnecting. I told her she will never hear from me again.

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

@@dexteradams6515 bravo. Anxious attachment is way better than avoidant, theres just no comparison for insecure attachments. Accountability, responsibility and willingness to change are on an anxious person's plate. Avoidants? Hell nah. Horrible people with the emotional capacity of a 1 year old

[@brennam954]

She sounds delightful. Imagine dating this trainwreck 🤣

[@macdavy70]

Honestly, avoidants have a demon, the demon of self hate, and he's an awful one, you were given a vision for a reason, embrace the unconditional love, the love that made its self human, christ will turn that demon like a shadow in the light.. I did

[@beIETian]

@@macdavy70 tell us more what did you do to turn it around ?

[@macdavy70]

@@beIETian Turn to Christ

[@dank9554]

@@macdavy70 waw, really amazing

[@vanessalanier1306]

I will continue to pray for my husband.

[@Danae1079]

As an anxious, I think we wear sometimes a mask as well, i think i tried to wear the mask of a put together person who has ambitions and ideas for her life and at the same time is emotional and ready to connect emotionally. But then my very emotional nature triggered them and they started to see it as a personal attack, like "oh no my mask fell, now i am my unworthy-never-doing-enough self, i have to run away" and they ran away

[@heykereste]

Oh, I see myself here, and now in doubt, if my last Text was too good for Himmel, I gave Himmel the nourishing he asked for, maybe too much, maybe too late( a Day later), I have no idea.... got no sign for 10 days

[@AABTBS]

Very beautifully said, in a poetic way. So basically it's very similar to the concept of the ''imposter syndrome''. The main question is HOW to gradually take this outfit off in real connections... - Maybe the answer is to first see how it feels to feel safe taking the cape off at times in a controlled environment - therapy! with a non-judgemental therapist, maybe this is how healing can begin, very very tiny slow healing of feeling safe for seconds and moments with a therapist who will not leave you after seeing you being your true self in front of them. It will take years for some avoidants, or decades... It will be a much needed miracle that they will also meet the RIGHT super compassionate and evolved and mature partner, tons of patience, maybe a healer type of personality... chances for all of this to happen are not high, and - they might leave her too, leaving her drained of being there for them and getting so little of her needs met in return. It is kind of a mess, we all know that.

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

@@AABTBS it wont happen. Such healthy emotional responses trigger their fears because they get forced to look inwards when the other person is mature and available. And they will find themselves inadequate and discard the healthy partner first. With another emotilnally unavailable person - they will stay

[@CatMoonErickson]

Break up?? That sounds NICE - I got GHOSTED 👻 1ST time ever 😔

[@WhoIsAmaze]

I was with an avoidant and she ended up equating all we did all the time we spent into a number of days. No compassion, no sentimental value, in fact she called me emotionally immature. Its really messed up.

[@Emillyy94]

This makes so much sense! My ex always said that his fear was that I’d realize that he isn’t as great as I thought he was and I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him that prob was never going to happen and it was an irrational fear but he did the pull away and discard before it could happen anyway. So this video really helped me see that maybe he’d been wearing a magician’s outfit all this time and that’s what he meant by he was afraid I’d find out he wasn’t as great as I thought he was because he knew he was putting on a performance all this time. We dated long distance for a year so this could’ve very well just been a facade. I feel like he acted one way on text/phone and a different way in person it was quite confusing and lots of mixed messages all the time.

[@doglover5519]

Yes!!! Same thing happened to me. I don't even think I really know him now???

[@Gbb93]

Yeah but when I pulled away, my ex got super anxious and started accusing me of sabotaging the relationship with radio silence. Even though I pulled away cause she was being weird, cold, and distant. You’d think an avoidant would like this. But nope, it’s only on their terms.

[@monikori6473]

Yes it is only one way.

[@AndreaS-kj4rb]

I enjoy learning the behavior of an Avoidant. It tells me what is me, and what is as the Agressive so I don't get hard on myself. I've secretly wanted this type all along because they "do see" the worth of you as it's also obscured. They are a perfect mirror of what needs to be fixed / adjusted on both sides. When my avoidant comes back, I will be nervous, though I will know how to handle him. He's SO worth it to me.

[@maurad5378]

Thank you for sharing the magician’s outfit. It helps me better understand how my partner may be feeling. To an extent don’t we all wear a mask or magician outfit at first? As you get to know the other person, build trust it goes away. I guess it’s the coping skills and self esteem that’s different. How do you let someone know it’s ok to be themselves? We really do only want to love them. It’s ok for both people to not be perfect. We are humans after all.

[@vivianeguadalupe2614]

This is growing and healing. Allowing your emotions. When you do feel all these emotions and go through them, you will be able to call when you need or ask for help, and do the things that were imposible or extremely hard before.

[@chrisbeltre9709]

I have a twin flame dismissive avoidant known each other 10 years she normally blocks and ghosts when the energy is too much recently she said she doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and told me not to speak to her anymore funny she didn’t block over the years she always comes back. She experienced trauma growing up from parents and relationships all kinds of abuse at times I see past her walls and the hurtful things she says or does when she runs. She would come back and say stuff like did you think I didn’t love or care about you. Or would get reminded of me by the universe. I’m not chasing anymore just want this game to stop, she needs help healing from her past pain and trauma

[@monikori6473]

You need to have inner union. That will strengthen the third Divine golden and blue energy that is your connection and help you both heal.

[@Tsan1010]

Big Chris I’ve been following you for a while. Could we see some videos on dismissive avoidance that are affected by midlife crisis/depression? my wife and girlfriend of over 22 years with three children was doing good till her mom passed. She was able to manage all of her avoidant struggles but when she hit her 40s and her mother passed from cancer and I suspect childhood emotional neglect she ran for the hills separated from me abandon the kids, her job and friends. I’d love some insight on something like that. I continue to pray that the Lord will change her heart and I pray for reconciliation for all of us.

[@degosiejani2774]

Essentially avoidants are F'd up, they should be avoided (irony). We all have our issues but the subscriptions these characters show up with will test the patience of a saint

[@JSath]

True but if only i can heal and move on! Pray for me please

[@nappyfries]

I was tired of the avoidant bs so I told him to stop contacting me so he blocked me from messaging me. I blocked him on everything bc I just needed to move on. It’s been a year & I unblocked him bc I do miss him & noticed at some point he unblocked me too. It’s weird how no contact affects them. I’m an FA so I kinda understand but still. I told him if he wanted space he could have it & he said otherwise but his actions spoke louder 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@DavidHernandez-ph8sn]

The difficulty with healing, is seeing how you were so blind and used and question your compass for love and a quality partner. Our culture of dating severely damaged with dating apps, social media ( that the pun “social” you become not social), texting as communication or likes and hearts, gifs etc! So many have poor social skills, poor communication and skip the risk of vulnerability as anyone can fall back on a dating app or social media. I say fuck that we need a quick overhaul, so we have less lonely or single. We all need unconditional love from a human not just the fur baby

[@ronaldbadami8556]

Subtle adaptability is within healthy interaction. I believe the da has many outfits. Most are uncomfortable to wear. I also believe when they discard and avoid. They are uncomfortable with the garb. Self autonomy allows them to be truly without the HEAVY weight of the outfit. The uncomfortable truth that their own skin is the costume they hate!

[@johjoh8938]

This is exactly what I expirenced for six years now Everytime I come close she said I trigger her and she left,leaving me With grieve. I listen to all your video s and I understand her better. But I slowly understand that rhis is not the life for me even when I still love her very much. Its so strange to see this unfold everytime

[@Samantha-hj9bl]

No matter how hard you try to speak their language and give them space and understand them until and unless they reflect on their own self it's all waste of effort tbh..been there n m completely destroyed

[@echokammersurvivor2210]

lol six years - no thanks, i am in my first year and I already know how I will put her through the same emotional hell she did to me if she ever tries to reconnect lol.

[@Samantha-hj9bl]

@@echokammersurvivor2210 incase if he comes back I'll play the same exact uno reverse card on him .. honeymoon phase nah nah I'll make sure it'll be the hell phase..

[@echokammersurvivor2210]

@@Samantha-hj9bl wish you good luck that he tries to reconnect soon, grey rocking this like a boss

[@johjoh8938]

@@Samantha-hj9bl I feel you,it destroyed my self worth I put all the effort in her If there was a problem I solved it Car broken I fixed it No money? I payed Everything Maybe I should not say that because I did and gave it With love But when I had a hernia and could not leave the couch she just dissaperd to her girlfriends witch she had a appontmant for a meeting Leaving me all by my self. I was always so confidant,but I m only a shadow of myself there days. She is now under EMDR HYPSNOSE She told me a little bit of her past and it was very sad to hear and as a Leo sign I want to fix al of here problems Leo’s are very loyal But it doesnt matter what you do or did They forget everything in a fee weeks And is you remind her of it…she left. My hart en mind is in a contant stuggel. I have met a lady who want to do everything for me. She is kind smart everything Normally you would be glad to have someone in your life like that And I listen everyday to the NC KZbin films Otherwise I seek answers and contact her But I learned “sometimes you don t get any answers. I really “suffer” at this moment I cant go and continue With an other woman That i think in couple of months she is back With great story’s about our live and what is going to change and I? I will fall for it again I guess I was in my past a real player Even i was always far about what she could expect from me,I still have broken Many hearts I think its karma now its mine turn to feel the pain. Life is one big lesson. Sorry for my english,it not my native language so I try to write it understandeable Greeting from the netherlands

[@Petespans]

Things get better as you simplify presentation. Well done!

[@crownedone200]

this was incredibly interesting and informational

[@timpulver5932]

Brilliant, cogent and likely accurate conjecture! Thank you!

[@jadebooth7640]

I literally watched this before bed and woke up with something to say. Lol I dated an avoidant one that I truly loved. I have BPD sooooo we know how I acted. 😂 But I will say this, this metaphor makes since. In a similar way to me there is a “mask” here but the difference between him and I is he’s spent his whole life perfecting it. Where as I’m completely controlled by subconscious mind. Also. In addition to that i believe that avoidance leads back to just as many narcissistic tendencies as someone with a true personality disorder. It’s sad that someone can live there whole life and not even realize the call is coming from inside the house. I believe that if he was more authentic to who he was he would’ve been a much better partner during my episodes. All in all I really hope he finds your content. That he can find some healing he has no connection with father or self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he even felt worthy of me.. he really rushed a relationship even though I wanted to take it slow…

[@Frickenadazzal]

People have shown me in so many ways that myself is not good enough, so I totally understand the suspicion of anyone who wants to be with me. Seems like something is not right, I just remember all the bullying and remember the freedom to be alone.

[@marcblue]

I'm married to an avoidant,. any attempt to improve intimacy of any kind is met from her with irritation, frustration and sometimes even outright fits of rage which result in her telling me how my wanting closeness and connection is a serious problem that I have to either get over or get out. She shows no desire to give a microscopic fraction of affection to keep me. A 15 year long relationship that feels like living with a room mate,.. lonely depressing and unfulfilling,. getting worse with time and I am no longer trying to get closer to her,. just looking forward to dying and no longer having to endure it all.

[@ancaaxinte5947]

My dear one. Leave

[@joyapeon8181]

Dying?? Because of a human being that doesn't love you?? You sure don't love love yourself too. Instead of leaving you prefer to die because you don't want to do the work. Why are you with some one that treats you this way for long? Your freedom is in the answer

[@Kaseyjusthereforthecake]

Please leave to save your soul. It’s not selfish. And you’ve paid your time.

[@aikeii]

Chris, a free idea for a video: what if anxious people are just unttractive and end up getting into relationships where they have to people please a lot to compensate, and avoidants look for someone who can bear with them, and since it's not that many people they end up with anxious people who they know are less attractive than them, and it's only this that allows for a relationship to start in the first place, and also partially explains constant doubt of the avoidant. If the avoidants were able to heal their core wound preventing them from having relationship with most people, they will just pick someone at their level of attractiveness, and the anxious partner won't have a chance. So maybe staying anxious and avoidant is actually the only chance for the anxious partner to have a relationship with the avoidant partner, and he shouldn't want to heal themselves and the avoidant, at least without reaching the same attractiveness level, which might be impossible for some people.

[@roxanapop1557]

I am pretty sure there are anxious people of all attractiveness levels. From what I know it's an attachment style mainly born from having inconsistent love from one's parents. And I think being with someone really avoidant can also create or heighten anxious tendencies. I was pretty secure in my attachment style, with fearful avoidant tendencies (and different tendencies would be triggered by different people's attachment styles). I have felt both fear of abandonment and the feeling of being trapped in relationships. Now I think my style is mainly anxious and I think it happened after a confusing dating interaction with someone extremely avoidant. I am pretty mad at myself for not seeing it for what it was before it really pulled me in, but all I can do is learn from it now. Also, I think I am a reasonably attractive person, and I know I can be a lot of peoples' type physically. I would say it was generally more the case that my physical appearance has pulled people in and my personality has pushed some of them away than the other way around (this was mainly before years of therapy). And if you look at my profile and call me ugly that's fine, I am sure plenty of people find me ugly too. -- also, this whole comment assumes you were referring to physical attractiveness (as commonly used), not another notion of attractiveness

[@Mojohead20]

Third time they’ve reached out after two painful periods of having to deal with the heartbreak of them going cold on me. Long periods of unintentional “no contact” I guess has now led to new interest once again. “I miss your cuddles” etc. I will not be fooled again.

[@Any66134]

Under the Magicians outfit the avoidant I have been with was suffering from depression

[@derekderek2570]

Avoidants should be a title. AVOID THEM

[@jaroslav.jezek1]

Chris what AI do you use for making these videos? Your quality has improved immensely

[@chrisseitercoaching]

Well it’s mostly not AI. Just some of the images are. The rest is meticulously crafted by myself and my editors. KZbin had the option to mention if AI was used in the video and I decided to say that it was since technically some of the images are. Figure it’s better to be completely up front about everything!

[@gracee_ss]

I really can't believe it at all, my ex comes back exactly after 4 months, even after blocking me from everywhere, saying so many mean things and what not when we breakup... But now, She contacted me by email last week.... Is she a phycho? And Yess, she behaves like avoidant types just after the next day we breakup.

[@mookeystinks190]

My love is an avoidant and sometimes I just want to shake them and say I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to be or do anything for that love!! I know you need your space. I want you to have that. And everything you want in this life. But stop pushing me away. I’m on your side. I’m here when you need me. He seems to think he always has to act a certain way. And all I want is him with the scraggly hair and messy shirt. No James Bond, no John Hamm man’s man. Just him as he is adorably frumpy and nerdy and just so much a beautiful mess. As the missionary kid, I definitely know something about always keeping up appearances. My parents would get irritated because I didn’t want to wear a metaphorical mask. I’m the black sheep and yet still believe in God and go to church. I’m a mess but I own it. I think that is why I draw so many emotionally unavailable men because secretly they want to just say fuck it and be who they really are. Life is too short. Love on those avoidants. They need to be loved just as they are.

[@heykereste]

Good!!! Wish you follow that path with love and strengh and him!

[@Any66134]

But you also deserve to be wanted in loved....

[@MattEames-xp5cg]

this is amazing, more material like this!

[@brennam954]

Love the music choices in your videos

[@ELIZAJEF2]

Where does the immediate rebound fit in there?

[@HelianaFranko]

So what do they hope for? For you to never come back. Do they keep daydreaming about you often, or do they completely forget about you?

[@doglover5519]

Yes!! I want to know too!!!

[@garyforbes8711]

This is some pretty heavy sh*t.

[@cspace1234nz]

Not really, just stay away from avoidants. Simple

[@divinelymoowah6104]

@garyforbes8711 ‘tis not for the faint of heart ironic huh lol😖😭🤪🙃 I would know

[@AaronNazzy]

I’m so afraid and I just want to do things right. I care for her so much. I realize that I have gone through something similar and I won’t let any of that crap those feelings define me. Because of that, it’s all gone away. I hope she can do the same thing in time. She’s willing to work on her issues and that makes me feel better, but how much longer can I wait?

[@WakingLifeMagazine]

Chris, how come you only tell the stories of an avoidant from the female lens? You never speak from the male perspective of dating an avoidant woman. Please do something for the gents, they're struggling with avoidant women too

[@catherineparkinson9329]

excellent presentation

[@jimjam_games5783]

My avoidant wife just turned her back on our marriage and 18 year relationship leaving my kids from a broken home and me feeling lost. I have always known she was avoidant, but any attempts over 18 years for me to try to get her to work on herself or recognise was rebuffed, because naturally they don't face their feelings. There were issues, but ultimately our relationship ended due to her avoidance. Issues were never resolved, including her own addictions.

[@cynthiarankin5499]

To belong comes with a price, to be free comes with a price. Perfection is when to belong has no strings attached and that is not the problem of the avoidant. It’s the problem of the person that the avoidant chose in the first place. This is another subject. It’s almost comparable to tracing an electric current back to its original source. It can be done but is very tedious work.

[@thendebele]

This is nonsense… a Magicians outfit is the False Self… Which should draw us to the conclusion that some Avoidants are highly narcissistic 😊

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

I just want to know he’s okay. I’ve accepted it’s over and I genuinely just want to make sure he’s doing ok. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me and not just feel empty without him in my life. I loved him so much and was willing to compromise. He was just done didn’t want to talk barely responded to my messages. It’s been 9 months. He ended up blocking me. I am still broken and very very confused but I’m starting to reach the acceptance phase of grief. However, to move on I still need closure and I’m considering trying one more time and then that’s it. I don’t know what to say to gently coax him he’s like a rubix cube. Anyone get any ideas on what to say? Please don’t tell me I already got closure. I didn’t. I would not even bother asking this if I had closure. I have adhd and I want to know he’s okay.

[@heykereste]

He will be ok, but I can understand you so well!!

[@Any66134]

Don't worry girl when I asked my avoidant if this is the finish line he insert there is never a finished line...

[@Any66134]

So I guess it's kind of their way of saying there is never closer.... And they leave you with that. I have been in the same situation or I am in the same situation.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

@@Any66134 so its a way of keeping the door open ? it seems pretty final to me to be blocked etc. i just am shocked theres still nothing

[@heykereste]

I guess, the only way to reach out is a slighty light one, ghost emoji or so. He seems to be in a total different mood at the moment.

[@StaceyShaf]

I don’t understand why anyone would keep trying to repair things with an avoidant. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.

[@Zfaith_fitness_detox]

This is so good, Chris.

[@ritapeters1330]

Great video, thank you 💗

[@WATCHMEGOBROKE]

Coach we really need an explanation video about Dismissive Avoidants so that we can show it to our Avoidant to help them understand what they're dealing with. My biggest problem is my avoidant wife of 23 years doesnt think anything is wrong with her

[@stephenmellor9264]

How odd , im anxious attatchment and im finding all of thier issues are also MINE ! i am an act BUT i am not an actor! Grow together ❤

[@terrymondon7649]

Very insightful video❤❤❤❤

[@yknowwhatcrys4791]

Great video!

[@suryanair9910]

Beautifully put

[@UPSC.HUB.]

Thanks this video is ✨️♥️

[@rcfoley]

How do people survive like this?

[@justg1977]

You offer some great content

[@lisaortiz6807]

There is another stage called replacement. I am an avoidant who monkey bars through relationships. I start new ones before I've ended the first. I know it's bad, but I've been doing it my whole life. Sometimes, i feel bad about doing that, but most of the time, i don't feel bad.

[@crownedone200]

so what do you feel? you don’t feel guilt about lying to the person?

[@yasi1617]

I am an avoidant and i'm terrified of the life ahead of me

[@dklegend-li5zh]

Wow Great video now i understand

[@jazzybb9]

Psychiatrist need stop covering the fact it means they found someone else they decided to believe might work so they set u aside till further notice!!

[@bhavna123]

So while dating why dont they show their true self instead of being fake in the beginning? So they dont waste peoples time?

[@crownedone200]

they’re insecure. they act in a way that they believe you will accept

[@Ikari-5an]

They hope we maintain no contact. Forever

[@journeyofsound397]

I keep struggling with if I'm an avoidant or just not happy with my situation

[@craiz6668]

If you need space do you actually take that time to think about the situation? Or do you do a lot of things with friends and try not to think about it.

[@cspace1234nz]

If you are reflecting on whether you’re avoidant or not, chances are you’re not. They don’t self reflect

[@journeyofsound397]

@@craiz6668 I reflect on my own. I'm not giving much time for myself. Work two jobs to sustain my home and the three kids my partner comes with.

[@divinelymoowah6104]

@cspace1234nz well now, as someone who has accepted having an avoidant attachment style, I can in fact claim I do reflect (and I’ve minimized internalizing) quite often on how to be better and make a change, and to overwrite my innerchild’s solution to relationship problems.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@divinelymoowah6104 ….that is indeed the case then I have more respect for you than you could imagine, just that you are probably aware that what I wrote is correct, that most avoidant types avoid pretty much anything to do with their personal thoughts and feelings. I’ve seen first hand the torture they will put themselves through in order to avoid.

[@alenaadamkova7617]

It reminds me in a documentary in 1993 they asked in a radio interview the rock singer "How do you compose the songs?" He replied with very natural voice: "Normally, .....we just take a guitar, bang the guitar...and thats it." and he showed with body language too. it goes by itself. Its called a charisma... That he doesnt have to explain every little detail about it, therefore its interesting...you just follow the tone of his voice and body language. He goes further with his answer when he feels like it. You realize you like the authenticity of the answer.... Political correctness seems toxic thing. In 1993 people were more organic,....today people are taught to be politically correct. because the internet is forcing people to edit their own answer. Let men to be a bit imperfect and organic, and natural. It seems the best stuff happen very simply, when you dont over-analyze it, its not a rocket science. Maybe there should be a course for men how to be natural, imperfect and organic. The society forces them to be like robot with their perfect answers. And if we require most accurate detailed, academical answers.... and force person to give most accurate articulated answer it actually becomes the most "inacurate" forced answer. Because body language and tone of voice is more authentic than the head. Its like schools require so much academical answers that the authenticity isnt part of it.

[@bigbad123321]

I didn't even know this was a thing. But this is actually me!

[@adrianaas8754]

My ex got into a new relationship after 3 months of no contact. She is a dissmissive avoident. She is from another city that is about 8 hours away, but lives in my city now because she is studying her. In the sommerbreak she got with someone else in her hometown. That means most of the year they are gonna be apart, only meeting in the christmas and sommerbreaks. I find it wierd, because I heard from some mutal friends that they met on Tinder and only knew eachother for 3 weeks - 1 months till they got official. Why would she seek for someone new in her old town so its a long distance relationship? Doesnt make sense, espcially that they barely know eachother and its a long distance relationship. She is gonna study at my town for 5 years, so lets say they stay togheter so long. They will barely see eachother, only in the school breaks, and they doesnt even know eachother that well. Can you make a video about avoidents long distance relationships? And also about why they make it offical with someone new that they barely know, when it took so long for us to get togheter (we were bestfriends for a year before getting togheter. And both of us liked eachother she even told me. But took so long to commit)

[@taylorbee4010]

The guy in the example went full Dr. Strange

[@loona-loona-loona]

Thank you

[@Any66134]

What I always wonder would a avoidant go so far to use that depression as an excuse to look bad to have a reason to leave or be dumped ? To be honest with u he looked really not well , but also I'm so confused after all that I don't know if this wqs true

[@n1icolas]

mind blowing wow 😱

[@danieltrottier8599]

Mask....lol

[@danieltrottier8599]

The faster you chase, the faster they run.

[@n1icolas]

@@danieltrottier8599 lol

[@n1icolas]

@@danieltrottier8599 Very true and it becomes unstable and reckless..

[@Any66134]

Did I screw up by texting after no contact after 10 month? Since then no contact it has been a year and 10 month

[@TheBethRoszman]

Yes, The magician's outfit.

[@rnbsteenstar]

What do the avoidants have to do to heal this attachment style?

[@cspace1234nz]

Is this a trick question?

[@rnbsteenstar]

@@cspace1234nz not even in the slightest.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@rnbsteenstar ….they won’t do anything, they’re avoidants, they avoid doing anything to heal. The clue is in the term

[@dannycolwell8028]

@@rnbsteenstartherapy, especially focused therapy that deals with intense emotion like DBT or EMDR. And leaning into that terrifying closeness and interdependence until it feels safe

[@rnbsteenstar]

@@dannycolwell8028 and I do think that they will need support.

[@sleepynyanfigures]

i’m AA going 3 weeks no contact with my DA ex so far. I found out from our mutual friend that he plans to “reach out” to me when he feels better. any idea what this means?

[@rajisinghsoni2321]

That means, on his terms and for his needs, not yours. He can love you, but not on the basis of mutuality or intimate balance, and therefore, it's unhealthy love. I have been through three cycles with a DA/FA, and on the third and now final one, he was in therapy. But the behaviour didn't change, even though he's much more aware of it. The painful avoidant programming is deep. There was an unconscious taking me for granted, again and again and again, even after rounds of heartbreak and full discussions of how to avoid, or navigate, the inevitable upsurge of avoidance so that he didn't lose me. We had a whole plan for reconciliation informed by our respective therapists and we had agreements based on our understanding of what keeps happening and why it must stop so that we can be together, and months of discussions including about our needs and boundaries -- all of this before truly restarting. It still unravelled, it still failed, after all those months of discussion and during all that therapy. It broke me for a third time, and totally exhausted, I walked away, with an expression of incredible love for him, and I will never go back. The anxiety it caused me was toxic. It ripped open old wounds I had spent years and years healing. And I played a role in that resurgence of pain because I abandoned my needs to put his first. And even when I learned not to do that in subsequent rounds of trying again with him, and even when he began to respect that the principle of balance is what will keep us together, his tilt towards avoidance after intimacy returned. It's a tidal force. It is tragic. My painful recommendation is to work at detaching from him. It has taken me a very very long time. I wept for months after the first discard. I don't want to cry about it any more. Ever. I recommend doing the work required to move on from him, and in doing so, ask yourself why you are drawn to someone who is emotionally unavailable and therefore cannot meet your needs. Ask yourself what wound or damage inside yourself is activated via your attraction to someone who causes you anxiety and who causes you to stick around despite the pain. Ask yourself why you are in love with his potential rather than his present actuality. All of it comes from trauma, yes, but that fact can cause you to be compassionate to an extreme point of abandoning yourself and ruining your health. Please, avoid my fate. Don't go through rounds and rounds of such destruction. Learn to love him from an unbridgeable distance. It's the healthiest path.

[@breonnabarker4222]

Hold strong ❤ it could take months. Don't give in

[@Mate_Mateo]

Build your self esteem, work on yourself first, later find someone secure and you will be happy.

[@SamakaSRC]

Mine just reached out to breadcrumb me after 2 weeks. I responded vague, but kind. Conversation didn't go far. I'm maintaining my no contact status until he chooses to have a real conversation. It likely means he's feeling the loss of you, but doesn't miss you enough to reach out yet. Stay strong, it's possible he'll breadcrumb you too, don't fall into it until they offer to have a real conversation with you - preferably in person.

[@flyingkikidesigns]

I’ve heard u mention FREE TO ATTACH in ur videos … is that a book and where can I find it ?

[@chrisseitercoaching]

It’s actually a website: free to attach .com

[@flyingkikidesigns]

@@chrisseitercoachingthank u ❤

[@markboyd9837]

Done the No Contact 31 Days and hadn't heard anything so i sent a txt and got one back Not sure what to do Next

[@felipefregginrules]

Dude.. this was fucking spot on.

[@dilfwillnard5957]

What if they moved on into a monkey branch relationship almost instantly

[@RobertNelson87]

What's the question? They moved on. You not. Time to grieve, accept and move on by yourself.

[@-norsecode-]

they think the next person won't require them to self reflect. They think it's you, not them, that makes them avoidant and this new person wiont make them feel whatever it is that makes these people run.

[@Mate_Mateo]

​​​​​@@-norsecode- its love they run away from. Better yet unconditional love, they think they dont deserve it and starts to annoy them while still craving for it. They give their all when their get breadcrumbs and other side treats them like a shit, because there they trive in their chaos... i guess.. heard story about my ex how she was pathetic for this one guy that couldnt care less about her, begged him on her knees to be with her... while i gave myself to her, which was odd and unpleasnt to her. She is also into choking which doesnt suprises me at all. 0 self respect. Just run from them..

[@tomgibson3789]

Interesting stuff, are we implying that avoidants like to be treated badly because they have such low esteem and if treated properly may therefore flee? Also think I was with one who was into throat grabbing, never experienced this so wasn't sure whether normal or linked to their low opinion of themselves?

[@Mate_Mateo]

​@@tomgibson3789 those would be my two cents of her and ppl like those.. its broken.. who would like to be chocked while making love?! Those two things doesn't go together. Also there isn't a safe way of doing that, plus you are only adding to whatever is going in their mind. No person who respect themselves would allow that, nor the one who loves other would do that. Mine said to me that she has minor lesions on her brain, i wonder where those came from?! 🤔

[@sheliasmith2884]

Give them their freedom this is to much i question is this a mental illnesses these cycles the facades magician outfit wanting love but runs from it and it destroys good loving people. Again give them their freedom until they do the work you will be some one that you cant recognize.

[@rhondacampbell2592]

Is there any hope for an avoidant to break the cycle?

[@rhondacampbell2592]

@@rebeccacornell521 thank you for your detailed response. I asked because the man that I have been seeing the last 3 months is clearly avoidant. I'm trying to get a better understanding of his needs and how to deal with it without freaking him out and maintaining patience on my end.

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

Most of the time avoidants do not heal. This is statistical fact. And this actually means the vast vast majority of cases. Its 3% who ever change and this requires multiple years of therapy. Being in therapy only requires them to be vulnerable, its the very thing they fear. Being in a romantic relationship requires them to go DEEPER than their therapist. How does that sound to you? Read around, they don't get the hate and flak for no reason. Just make sure you're mentally prepared for what's to come if you bet on that 3%.

[@divinelymoowah6104]

any cycle that one desires to change to grow is possible, but first one must learn the lesson(s) of why the cycle repeats and gain tools to disrupt and maintain a different cycle. also, it seems the statistics show majority probably don’t change-I’d argue with how modern medicine has been, until recently to aid as ppl say “mental health” though I understand it to be more than just mental (metaphysical, but this is just semantics, back to the point), western or rather anglo saxon “modern” medicine hasn’t had the best reputation to support those who need coaches and therapists to break such “bad habits/behaviors” so yeahh statistics don’t look to favor a healthy outcome..and yet despite this, I choose to bet on things working out for my fellow brothers and sisters with avoidant tendencies, its a wild ride but worth the journey to gain inner peace and be healthier😌🥰

[@divinelymoowah6104]

@rhondacampbell2592 if i may suggest, unsolicitedly, perhaps consider why you may avoid xyz (assuming you probably have or still avoid something, no matter how small), maybe in your own experience you may already have a solution of your own which could benefit and also, the key to having patience with people who lean in avoidance is to remember nothing is actually a personal attack to you. This is much easier said than to remember esp during heated moments or when a partner actually says hurtful things to you..which I know seems counterintuitive to believe it is in fact not personal. And, here’s why, if said party chooses to run on autopilot i.e. ghost or blame or say hurtful things or whatever they got up their sleeve, s/he is simply re-enacting their safety mechanism that helped them as a young child (or whenever avoidance was developed), and in fact are not present enough to objectively realize “this” situation is not the same nor is it “that” situation from the past. I know it isn’t fair to project this onto you, I don’t think it is “right” either, but if you want to understand then this is why we do so (in fact, it explain why many people who are anxious, triggered easily etc, but of course their behavior would show up differently, behave as they do). And, I think its important to remember, you are not here to save your partner. You choose to be with this person, and you’ll probably show up to model the possibility of a loving full life (I believe it), but you are not your partner and it is his responsibility to meet you there and change himself for the better if he decides he chooses you and to build a lovely supportive life together. (Sorry if I assumed wrongly your partner was a guy 😅) And, I know, sounds like I’m going against my other comment about rooting for my fellow avoidant attachment peeps, but I’m not rooting against them, really not. I’m just more aware than ever about healthy boundaries and healthy amount of accountability, and how much one is in their power when they fight for themselves.

[@rebeccacornell521]

⁠@@rhondacampbell2592 Allow him to lead.. he will if you let him. It may be a snails pace but he’s a man and their brains are not the same as ours. It’s in the XY chromosome. Fact! PETSCANS prove it. So remember they are task driven. They focus primarily on one thing at a time. Respect that. He needs to learn to trust. The first question I would ask you though is does he know that he is an avoidant? Have you ever asked him about his childhood? What is his love language? Those are good indicators of what may be hidden inside his well crafted exterior. When a man leads, you are certain that he is thinking of you. You have his attention. Be secure in that. When you initiate any contact, you are saying, please look at me… a man wants you to have your own life outside of him. He can’t multi-task like a woman. Men fall in love in your absence! Remember that and give him the gift of your absence. You will be glad you did. He will be much more comfortable that you don’t have an agenda, but rather spend time with him because you genuinely like him, not the idea of him. In addition, he will be proud to have a woman who is genuinely living a life outside of him! Being responsible for someone’s happiness is a burden an avoidant can’t handle. You take care of your crap, I take care of mine and together we can be best friends and lovers, not a possession, but a partner.