What Do We Owe Our Friends? How to Talk to People, Episode 3

The terms of friendship are both voluntary and vague-yet people often find themselves disappointed by unmet expectations. In this episode of How to Talk to People, we explore how to have the difficult conversations that can make our friendships richer and how to set expectations in a relationship defined by choice.
This episode was produced by Rebecca Rashid and is hosted by Julie Beck. Editing by Jocelyn Frank and Claudine Ebeid. Fact-check by Ena Alvarado. Engineering by Rob Smierciak. Special thanks to A.C. Valdez. The managing editor of How to Talk to People is Andrea Valdez.
Be friends with How to Talk to People. Write to us at [e-mail]. To support this podcast, and get unlimited access to all of The Atlantic’s journalism, become a subscriber.
Music by Alexandra Woodward (“A Little Tip”), Arthur Benson (“Charmed Encounter,” “She Is Whimsical,” “Organized Chaos”), Bomull (“Latte”), and Tellsonic (“The Whistle Funk”).
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🎨: The Atlantic

[@enzonenation]

This was a very extrovert-centric episode. I appreciate that it made me understand the expectations of my extrovert friends. However, I'd like to make a case for fellow introverts. To us, friendship is understanding and quiet, consistent company. Friendship is something that doesn't disappear so easily. Friendship is feeling a soul connection and a sense of trust towards someone to the extent that you know they will be there for you and that you will be there for them when you need each other. BUT you also respect each other's lives and time that you don't set expectations and have high maintenance fees. If extroverts' love language is-if they wanted to, they would. Our love language is-I know that you have many things happening for you right now: if you need time alone, I will not impose on you; if you need quiet company, I will be there beside you; if you need my actions, just say the word and I will in a heartbeat. Like an old marriage, it may not be very grand or passionate. However, it is deep and stable and constant. You will always have someone to come home to simply because you are loved-not because of what you bring to the table.

[@mzbramstedt9278]

my thoughts exactly... the viewpoint in this podcast is very extrovert. Extroverts dominate in society and tend to not understand the introvert point of view. If you value your friendship with an introvert, you will understand their need to be alone, which is not predictable and can't be planed a week in advance.

[@eddenoy321]

People use the term " friend " so loosely and easily that it has very little meaning. When I hear it, I most often take it to mean an acquaintance of some sort and nothing more.

[@Procrastinator57]

When a friend "convinces" another friend to attend something despite that friend objecting multiple times, they should be surprised if that friend cancels at the last moment. Peer pressure is a bad motivator.

[@budjitresvalles6397]

Im new to this channel (or podcast?), but I am enjoying listening to you two immensely. You have confirmed my opinions about friendships but also challenges some of my belief system. Thank you! Keep the conversation going. God bless! 🙏

[@1stdaughter]

This walk was GREAT and one that I have (with myself, in my head) all the time.

[@KryMoore]

Truth, understanding and compassion. Simple really but we live in a nation of Gaslighters (media included).

[@jussjess2829]

Such a great conversation !

[@Fluma08]

THANK you for this podcast. finally, someone who agrees with me on flaking.

[@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger]

24:28 it is currently, generally the same everywhere, but men are better at creating a more permeable space for whoever enters into their social interactions. Especially men creating discussions among themselves. Women tend to use the unavailability or scheduling of time slots in their friendships as a form of power or establishment of their status into the hierarchy of relationships.

[@nml1930]

Expecting someone to pay $1000 for your bachelor party seems outrageous to me

[@rickfool1452]

friends = acquaintances