What Happy Couples Know That Others Don’t ft. Emily Nagoski (!!!)

[@AlaynaJoyOfficial]

Thank you Helix Sleep for sponsoring! Helix’s New Year Sale is running now for a limited time - Visit helixsleep.com/alaynajoy to get 25% off your mattress (plus two FREE pillows). Offers subject to change. #helixsleep

[@ArtichokeHunter]

this is making me realize how much i would love to read a version of her work that isn't allonormative, that is explicitly from an ace-positive perspective, that doesn't assume everyone would have an answer to what they want when they want sex. obviously ace people can want sex, but in ace spaces and conversations we don't make that assumption of people. it seems like she really understands how different different people are and the fact that there are people who don't know what pleasure feels like in their body and haven't had any positive sexual experiences. so it seems like she could write something from a more ace-normative perspective, to help ace people learn about their potential for pleasure without fighting and being dehumanized by allonormative assumptions about pleasure. i think my experience with Come As You Are was extra frustrating because it felt so close to something valuable and liberating for me, but the layers of allonormativity that were probably necessary to help a lot of its audience made it impossible for me to connect with. every time it asked me to reflect on experiences that "normal people" have that i don't, it reminded me of how alien i am from the world of pleasure and pushed me further from feeling like it's something i could learn and reach. but in this conversation, it does feel like there's another side, there's a possibility of pleasure for people without that. it's just i guess not being explored because the target audience is too small and not marketable?

[@XeclipsedXheartX]

You.... Did a pod with.... EMILY NAGOSKI??? AMAZING!!!! This was so amazing. When you mentioned their book in the ~other~ pod, it actually brought me to read the book. SOOOO excited that you got to do this!!!

[@AlaynaJoyOfficial]

ME TOO

[@ArtichokeHunter]

i feel like this interview is helping me understand why Come As You Are didn't do anything for me when it was so highly recommended by other people. It seems so hard to try to be useful to people with such vastly different experiences and I really appreciate Alayna asking about the perspective of people who don't have positive sexual experiences to reflect on. I didn't get that out of the book. At first it seemed like it was going to be running on assumptions and stereotypes about why that might be, but then it did get to interrogating pleasure and context in a way that could actually be helpful.

[@arwenmccullough9341]

Wow this video really hit a spot with me. Thanks for having her on . This was the best episode yet

[@AlaynaJoyOfficial]

Love love love hearing this

[@7ou70]

I adore Emily Nagoski work! This amazing podcast has been getting better and better, Alayna! Great work

[@AlaynaJoyOfficial]

Ah this is so nice thank you 🥰

[@feministsurvivalproject]

Thank you for having me on!

[@emilybristow6611]

Your work helps me stay motivated for my coursework in psychology. Thanks for sharing your passion and your intelligence with us! Great episode!

[@AlaynaJoyOfficial]

This is so nice thank you 😭🩷

[@bripk9598]

I haven't even watched it yet and I'm already stoked.

[@lizbates4531]

What an awesome episode! Thanks Alayna :)

[@sofiaisindie]

Wow, great guest to a great podcast!

[@britt8099]

This was a very eye opening episode for me, I will definitely be reading her newer book and the book she recommended!

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

This is amazing conversation so interesting and fantastic information 👏👏

[@ouie.outside]

Im actually starstruck, this episode was AMAZING!!! Dr. Nagoski is a legend that I'm constantly learning from. I'm already googling the book rec Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey ❤

[@aaronriseman1397]

thank you for this. sometimes its not about being taught that your pleasure doesn't matter, but that an attentive lover needs to give pleasure, rather than receiving pleasure. Then depression tells us we don't deserve our own pleasure so shut that down on focus only on her.

[@anticapitalisthomedesign]

I love how I can tell you're smiling when you say "lifelong sex and relationship nerd" in the intro, possibly out of a combination of excitement and cultural shame?

[@cherylconrad211]

And what about if sex isn't a priority? I am 67, and companionship is more a priority at this time in my life. I do enjoy good sex and would not be opposed to it in the proper context.

[@SandraLugn-nc1rk]

At least I can 😴 without shame! THANKS!!! 😍

[@ArtichokeHunter]

"what pleasure feels like in your body" is such a concept and i'm not sure what to do with it like. i am not sure how or why you'd feel non-sexual pleasure in your body? like i guess i feel good food in my mouth, but it's not the mouthfeel that's the pleasure, the pleasure is in the brain? i don't think i get how the pleasure would be in the body. i guess maybe a massage is a pleasure that you feel in the body, but the vast majority of pleasure in life is not that

[@BagelBagelBagel]

Pleasure is a sensorimotor experience that is both in the mind (pleasure in ideas/memories/anticipation/satiation/relaxation) and in the body (touch sensation, heat, cold, pressure, friction, speed. Pleasurable Sensations of JUST liquid on the skin or internally can be described as slow, viscous, splashy, sticky, sweaty, drying, heavy, grimy. Anyone can have any one of these sensations be located anywhere on the body and can experience one or all as pleasurable (or aversive!). Pleasure is in theory something that is both nature and nurture, both encoded and decided by the persons gene expression AND reinforced by life experiences

[@raapyna8544]

Have you tried sauna, swimming in natural waters, or do you know the relaxed sensation after swimming for exercise at a gym/pool? The sensation of drinking a hot drink when you come from freezing outdoors? If you haven't, there are a lot of pleasures in life for you to experience, and I hope you explore them. :) I would say I also get pleasure from cross-country skiing, horse-riding, walking in the woods, listening to birdsong, petting an animal, laughing, and waking up to the sun. Feeling the waves under the boat, or feeling the movement of the water when I'm paddling. I'd say they are pleasurable sensations - in contrast to unpleasant sensations like traffic noise, and other kinds of overstimulating and unnerving things of the city that increase stress levels.

[@BagelBagelBagel]

Omg I left a long explenation and it doesn’t show up :(

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@raapyna8544 i get pleasure from a lot of things in the sense that I enjoy them, but it's not in my body. I like swimming (saunas I could take or leave) but because it's fun, not in my body. I guess if it's hot I enjoy cooling down, but I don’t know that the removal of suffering is the same as pleasure? I appreciate you bringing your perspective!

[@SandraLugn-nc1rk]

All feelings are felt in the brain, pain and pleasure. The nervous is there. /Swedish Bi-cis-woman

[@jadedjhypsi]

I wish I could get some help with my relationship between my husband and I. WE love each other but not in a way that I ever had before.... with no sex or romance at all =( He seems asexual and I am pan everything =) Any suggestions? We would like to stay together and he is fine with our marriage being open.... for my satisfaction.

[@SandraLugn-nc1rk]

Se this episode together and answer the ❓ she mention that she ask people in therapy. Hopefully you learn stuff about etchoder that you need to now however you two deside to do.

[@raeh123]

I recommend speaking to a therapist

[@ville-c4u]

​@@raeh123 reported you

[@Jess-wk5jo]

I have question shoud i do about my worry Their is girl call Nicola i know used to go to high school with her brother will my worry that She date girl and she was in relationship with girl and i have always wonder if she fancy me and and if Nicola try on with me and try kiss me only will problem is i am questioning myself sill knowing i like and attached to both boys and girls. One big worry i had deal with something in my old work place for people special needs and autism and learning disabilities i fancy staff member who is lesbian call Rachel my mum was questioning me about ask if was lesbian i stay no i am not and i did fancy women i stay no mum it turn to augment over it so i dont it happen a again with Nicola i really dont know if she lesbian or bisexual or just interested in just boys and way nicola was being with me but she whats to see me but i know she got some some crush on me and i could total wrong but that how i feel.problem is Nicola date girl in past i always feel that she got crush on me for she whating to see me i dont if she lesbian or bisexual or not and my mum would question me if i would kiss girl . i never see kiss girl before only boy wasn't snogging it one kiss on lips that all What should i do

[@raapyna8544]

Are you ready to tell others "in real life" that you like both boys and girls? I was the same way (I'm bisexual) and I found it very hard to act on my feelings when I was younger before I was confident enough to be "out". That's because I wasn't comfortable with dating someone in secret. It sounds like you're not quite confident in yourself yet about your sexual orientation, so you're probably not quite ready to tell others. It's ok to take your time figuring yourself out, as well as spend time with your crush and see how you feel. If the topic comes up in a low-pressure way, you can ask her what she thinks her sexual orientation is. I think it's pretty important to know before you start flirting with her for example (because if she's straight she might not understand the flirt or she might be uncomfortable with it).

[@Jess-wk5jo]

Nicola was in relationship with girl call ellie she break up so what should i think i really like her i dont what her sexual orientation is i dont what think and do

[@Jess-wk5jo]

I am autistic too i will uncomfortable asking girl that i know from high school what her sexual orientation is what do i do

[@ville-c4u]

Who cares

[@Jess-wk5jo]

@@ville-c4u keep your nasty comments to yourself