What Is The Virtue And Vice Of ENFJs? | Benevolence Vs. Cruelty | CS Joseph

Today we will discuss the virtue and vice of ENFJs; Benevolence Vs. Cruelty
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[@valentinosantana1605]

I would like to apologise on behalf of salty ENFJs everywhere. Sometimes we throw insults like we have Tourette's. It takes a lot of self reflection and help from people like CS to overcome that.

[@CSJoseph]

Valentino Santana much appreciated

[@puckbucky.5545]

F off!! Who are you to apologise “ON BEHALF OF ANYONE EVERYWHERE”, mind ur business friend

[@annetallegrand5656]

Thanks for apologizing for us, that’s so helpful 😂and typical of us

[@SyraThePoet]

And CBT…cannot..forget..the CBT…and a lot of it

[@hippoplatypus8149]

6:30 that story kinda ticks me off. Making fun of someone not knowing something is kinda like bullying. Especially if it's your own son. No one should find that funny unless thy have some serious insecurities.

[@hibalouati9703]

as an ENFJ girl ,i am super nice and calm most of the time and i really give so many chances to comedown and not geting angry but when i get mad like really mad hh i can't support my words anymore i just throw pieces of hell everywhere and once i say it all, i feel good and relieved in that particular moment thats it then i start regret it all for years or eternity .

[@poppystils974]

Me INFJ dated (fell in love with) an ENFJ and had to door-slam that person. She had a history of violence against BFs and I started to see her ugly rage and her cruel retaliation to the slightest thing. Done. Another weird thing though, I also saw a Peacock in my back yard when I was a kid.

[@CSJoseph]

Poppy Stils yeah those peacocks are nothing but trouble lol

[@SJaye-zv9er]

Holy cow! That's enough to make a person swear off peacocks forever!

[@MonaBW]

ENFJ here. I do get these hunches sometimes if someone is treating me badly where I want to go into a passive-aggressive mode and go right where I know it will hurt them the most. It is crazy, how those thoughts just pop into my mind. Luckily I found a way to not act out on those feelings. I would however never do this in public with anyone. Do you think it is more likely that these things happen with ENFJ's that are turbulent or not quite self-aware? This was an awesome video! thank you :D

[@CSJoseph]

depends if they are shadow focused or not.

[@elinka242]

hi! another enfj here, could you briefly explain how you stop yourself from “hitting where it hurts”?😂

[@seanprater1795]

@@elinka242 you will stop " hitting where it hurts " when you discover that nobody really likes you , and that you are poorly regarded amongst people who talk about you behind your back. I have observed an unhealthy Enfj who was humbled by this experience, in the past....

[@Valenciapayne]

@@elinka242 personally ill just stop talking and take time to think out the most important issues at hand that are bothering you, and then how best to convey that. This small amount of internal isolation time, will keep you from saying things that are way worse. This works best for me and is worth a try at the very least. Biting your tongue is going to be very hard. it takes a lot of practice and self-awareness. but it is much better than the alternative which is straight for blood in my case. If people try to press you while you were seeking this moment of isolation or self thought I would recommend leaving the area. because them pursuing you and pushing you while you're in this state of mind will create an immediate explosion and will end up with the worst result regardless of attempt for the best one.

[@thatdorkdennis]

Growing up Buddhist, I've already been taught to respect others and to control my emotions. I know I am capable of the most CRUELIST things, because I am so GIVING of my time and my heart when it comes to helping others. I know how to heal them, so that means I know how to HURT them. the feelings of WANTING to get justice is strong, but I've lear ned that at the end of the day. CAUSING PAIN ON SOMEONE will never Satisfy my own Pain. So Now, I just emitted Healing, even if I'm hurting.

[@zeroangelmk1]

My dad is an INFJ, and when he is enraged he can be extremely physically threatening, though he has not actually hit us kids, I felt literally to be in very grave danger sometimes. I'm an INFJ too and when I attack someone who I love I will always do it with a lot of force, but with my claws retracted. If my claws ever come out though, they can cruelly rend the other person. I do respect restraint though and take note when someone stops themselves from going too far. I don't think it's right to potentially sever a relationship over a momentary impulse of rage. I also had an ENFJ teacher, and she would sometimes put me on the spot in public which was extremely humiliating to me.

[@CuddleClaw.]

Pope Ocelot I dated an INFJ for 4 months (LDR), he had a sob story about his past which included his ex wife falsely accusing him of hitting her, he claimed she was the crazy one (looking back, i was an idiot fall for his bs). I was visiting him, our last visit together and he was talking about the mother of his children, and for the first time I heard a few moments of pure rage in his voice. I had been piecing together inconsistencies with his claims vs reality. Ultimately, I concluded that he was a covert narcissist. I also knew an ENFJ man with clinical BPD, I saw evidence via his behavior during our second hang out, he warned me not to get involved with him and he said he was in therapy. (Naturally, i like challenges and also like helping people, so I decided I’ll deal with the BPD and continue seeing him). Back story- We had been acquaintances for 5 years, I always knew he was interested in me despite us both being in relationships, he was not a shy man. I ensured appropriate boundaries... But then we both were single and he became very direct about how he felt about me and I believed it. But once he got what he wanted, of course he was no longer so nice and his lies became so obvious, he told me he’s falling for me on our third hangout, meanwhile, he still had a picture of his ex as his phone screensaver. I lost all respect for him and lost interest pretty quick. Months later he called and apologized and wanted to meet up for lunch. I accepted the apology but did not meet him for lunch. And I haven’t heard from him since.

[@ethanh5217]

@@CuddleClaw. thx for sharing. Shed some insight for myself.

[@CuddleClaw.]

I am Ethan That guy I used to date, i think he is an ISFJ, not INFJ. A friend of mine suggested it so I’ve been watching ISFJ videos and it fits. (Just want to be accurate). As far as my ENFJ borderline friend, he could be an ESTP (same Quadra as ENFJ). Basically, anyone who claims to be an intuitive, chances are they are not. Keep that in mind.

[@ethanh5217]

@@CuddleClaw. ok, I'd agree. Although it is possible they were in their subconscious, most likely not healthily.

[@suzyq3225]

Enfjs can be cruel, but that doesnt mean they all choose to be.

[@payjeitz4380]

As a male ENFJ-T, becoming aware of the implicit narcissism that comes with our personality type has really helped me catch myself in situations and improve a lot as a person. I find myself asking m the question: “Am I frustrated right now because I fear my pride or my ego is in danger?”. A lot of times it’s yes, good way to catch yourself lol

[@shanpurble]

It would definitely be a nightmare for an enfj to destroy an isfp in front of some clients.

[@AiriRoses]

I actually gasped out loud when you said they'll be cruel in public. My Te inferior just shuttered

[@MyspaceEmo]

I'm an INFP...I think, and I can be unimaginably cruel while simultaneously being benevolent, inspiring, passive and accepting. I provoke others by challenging their beliefs and use the truth to intentionally offend them. I see people's essences and have the uncanny ability to look past their masks and can use their weaknesses against them, particularly if they violate my values. Perhaps it's because I have ENFJ unconscious. I use to frequent typology forums and no one believed that I'm an INFP because of my hypercritical, domineering online persona.

[@kssgpv]

oh my god! i do the same, i hit you at your weak spot. I'm bitchy. Infp here

[@nocando89]

100% same as an infp.

[@nethercords]

integrated infps mean business

[@whecto789]

As an ISTP I respect this type a lot. My mother is an enfj, most of my school teachers on literature were ENFJ. I remember how they would totally obliterate me in class for not paying attention and ask me a question just when my mind drifts of into daydreaming. It was absolute nightmare. Anyway, my mom is a very healthy and considerate enfj, and I love her above all else. How she can lift the mood of the environment is incredible and she is very proactive when it comes to learning. Over time, we pretty much know how to deal with each other with ease

[@annetallegrand5656]

That’s amazing come talk to my daughters for me😂

[@Lordbloodwolf7]

This video gave me HUGE realizations about myself… thanks Chase!

[@rodgamella_movies]

Really good info, thanks man. Keep on doing the good work 🤙🏻

[@swansong-oi2yz]

I'm an Enfj and I can say that I can be cruel sometimes, but you can count on your fingers about how many times I got angry. I usually get angry if the other person is so rude (especially in public which make the atmosphere uncomfortable) and loves to take advantage of people. I have a classmate, a very unhealthy E*fp girl. She created a "religious group" and she's constantly taking money on its member for the church (Which I don't believe because I always saw her going at the restaurant alone after class). She put our Infp classmate in a hot seat in front of the class because he didn't give a money for the "church". And I snapped, using my calm voice I told her why is she so furious about it and what's her favorite dish at the restaurant that she keeps going after class. I exactly told her why others don't like her and I felt guilty afterwards because, I'm sure I made her feel bad. But, I don't regret speaking out. My classmates found it very entertaining because I rarely get angry Lmao.

[@megangilbert3112]

When it's in defense (especially public defense) of an innocent person, there will never be any regret 😆 I'm the same lol

[@CuddleClaw.]

ISTP here. I relate to all the virtue/vices from our Templar Quadra. I am benevolent most of the time, but that cruelty does come out with my loved ones and I feel incredibly guilty and apologize. And like you said in minute 14:30, sometimes it is necessary and I rarely use it purposefully in those types of situations. Thank you Chase for another great video!

[@Anon-cz8us]

Hi, ENFJ-T here! This is completely true, when I get mad I become extremely cruel and have accidentally made people cry before because I am very harsh when I get mad or frustrated. Its almost like I can’t control how cruel I am when i’m mad, and when I do i’m very passive aggressive. When i’m mad I immediately find their weak spot and use it to my advantage. I always feel super bad about it right after so I also try to watch my mouth before speaking. I also do really enjoy helping people. My friends always ask for help but I usually offer them help before they even ask because i guess ENFJs are just good at reading people. Since i’m good at reading people I also always notice when someone is being friends with me just to use me for their own benefit. In this case i’m always super passive aggressive towards them like how I am when i’m mad.

[@dentikinanti4178]

Omg so true! I think thats because our inferior function, which is Ti, will take control of ourselves. I am extremely mean when I'm mad at someone or when I'm stressed out.

[@suze3441]

"An ENFJ that's not listened to... they will go cruel. Immediately." Ok. I might me an ENFJ after all. Been thinking I was an INFJ for long, because my Ni and Ti are really strong (definitely prone to ni-ti loop). Personality tests have always given me INFJ (or IEI) results because of this I think. The thing that got me thinking is that I never doorslam people. Like never. I do get incredibly cruel (also to myself, by the way, especially when I realize that I have taken the stage again by talking all night long and reacting cruel to others)

[@souljacem]

Great video, thank you a lot!

[@josarapuano1557]

When it comes to being enraged you are right. It's like all I can see is red! It takes everything I have to stop myself. But when it comes to forgiving God has helped me with that tremendously. Probably be a horrible person without him. He seems to call me out on things I've done wrong.

[@scousegeeks]

Makes so much sense 👌👌

[@saradeangelis1930]

I’m and ENFJ, and oh boy, when I get angry, that’s the end. My brother (ENTP) once told me that I know exactly what words to use when I want to hurt someone, and that’s very true. I think I’ve always been very good at understanding people and I quickly get their personalities and their way of thinking, so it’s easy for me to get into their heads if I want to. I’m cruel especially when it comes to bullies, ignorant people and injustices in general. I think I could literally say the worst things and not feel any regret. It happened a lot and I would gladly do it again. Sometimes I say mean things to people I love in arguments and they get upset, but then I feel so bad that I ALWAYS go to them and apologise and tell them I appreciate them and that I didn’t mean what I said. I just can’t handle them being miserable over something I said when I was angry, they don’t deserve it. Sooo… this video was pretty accurate 😂

[@SyraThePoet]

“A walking institution for good” lmfao

[@ronlake7699]

Wow, I recognize this cruelty which makes me think of a particular person who I haven't thought of as an ENFJ but that would fit!

[@abesapien9930]

I knew an ENFJ in an office setting that did not like my political views, or the fact that it grated against everyone else's. He once challenged me publically about an issue in history. It was clear he didn't want to debate, but hoped to shame me. He lost. The funny thing is, he managed to avoid me at lunch for the rest of the time I worked there.

[@aladdout9454]

just out of curiosity... what's your type? xntp?

[@ashuranero5721]

How specifically did win this debate?

[@kssgpv]

bullshit

[@a.k.1217]

Wow..... I always wondered how did i do that cruel thing to someone? It hurt to admit that was actually me. I kinda knew i was cruel and even heard i was cruel... I was having identity confusion about this in my head for a long time and now i know. Being aware of my other side made me understand a lot about me.. Thanks

[@brendonlake1522]

A lady I knew I asked for help with something & my motives were because I was being lazy and instead of one on one telling me off she made sure she humiliated me in front of my boss and work collegues and this in retrospect sounds a lot about what you're talking about!

[@ProdigyofEpistemology]

The rage moments really feel like i’m losing control.

[@amralex840]

Perfect ..go on (I am an INTP follower of you)

[@lisadixon6673]

Ouch😬 I’m ENFJ and I do that.. 🤭 it shocks me when I do it... I never set out to be mean .. but when I’m pushed over the edge.... I go for the jugular... maximum impact.. always to my detriment.. i regret it instantly.. I’ve been told I can be really cruel sometimes and I know it’s shocking for the receiver because they know me to be really calm, thoughtful and kind and Possibly view me as a bit of a pushover.. until they push me.. then .. worst ways I cut them out of my life forever.

[@ronim8941]

Wow. Very enlightening information. Thank you bro. I feel attacked somehow. And yeah being benevolent and helpful and doing the extra miles can be draining especially when we-ENFJs become aware that we are just being "used". Idk it hurts so bad, and sometimes I feel so bad feeling resentful to those people because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's not the proper mindset. And who to blame? Well, both are responsible? Them for taking advantage of us, and ourselves for being naive and not seeing through their intentions earlier so we or I personally didn't waste my time helping a not so beneficial capitalist. Cruelty, right, that's the proper term. That's what I need to checked myself and have control over it and just be aware when I'm being cruel already. I didn't notice it before. Being sarcastic and telling a joke becomes too cruel because yes, you are correct! It becomes too personal that unknowingly we are already attacking their weak spot 😅 Need to instrospect more Haha I need to improve my self-awareness.

[@bugfolk6323]

Cool to know this, because I was writing a story and wondering how an ENFJ could become a soldier and work his way through the ranks to the top. I guess I wasn't far off by visualizing him taking on the guise of the worst kind of ESTJ.... (drill sergeant from hell, kind of character)

[@ceazeushepta8612]

I thought that your father was going to kill the peacock when you said he could be cruel. I am glad that wasn't the case, lol. ENFJs/INFJs often take this cruelty wayyy too far. I wonder how they feel after their partners left them due to their unsupportable cruelty? Any thoughts?

[@CSJoseph]

Ceazeus Hepta yes this happens all the time with NFJs, they are the most alienating of the types of they “suspect” their lovers are being disloyal.

[@ceazeushepta8612]

I see. However, how do the NFJs themselves feel after their partner has left them? Do they move on and recover pretty easily, or do they dwell on it periodically?

[@CSJoseph]

Ceazeus Hepta they feel abandoned. And yes they do dwell on it, constantly judging themselves in an attempt to figure out where they went wrong. Even though on the outside (due to Ti + Fe) pride, it looks like they move on quickly.

[@jessesanders647]

​@@ceazeushepta8612 I want to answer this as an ENFJ male. We feel incredibly abandoned/ angry/ hurt and frustrated. Because our cruelty or rage, is not what it seems. It is like an extension(on the darker spectrum) of how INTENSELY we feel about things. The ENFJ might be the one to run up to you in the airport and give you this amazing hug that lifts you off the ground. Something that is totally in the moment and unexpected. But they might also be the one to smack you with a frying pan, in the middle of a huge argument. It is almost not really about you, but more about how we get lost in the moment of our anger, if that makes any sense? In one of his other videos, he mentioned that you MUST OVER communicate with an ENFJ. This is so fucking true. Let us know that you see why we are hurt and most importantly, that you give a fuck. Let us know what it feels like when we are being cruel. We really try to work on our shit, lol. Also, don't try to outpride" us. We can be prideful bitches, lol. But on the other hand, we are the FIRST sign to accept an apology, no questions asked and move on. We are not going to bring it up later to make you feel like shit. But the key is verbal/emotional/honest communication with us---it.is.EVERYTHING.

[@truepeace3]

Ceazeus Hepta I’ve been happily married for over thirty years. But I can tell you as an ENFJ woman, with the exception of one relationship, I was the one who always broke it off. But that one guy who broke my heart...the pain stayed with me for a long time. It was more about me questioning where I went wrong. But the pain eased when he called me two years later, only to find out I was in a serious relationship. He said he should have known. I was a good catch, lol. Don’t know about that, but it was good to hear.

[@dahliaramirez7782]

omg this made me laugh so hard !!! bc its true in a such a shocking way. i feel like in some cases, it's like an abusive relationship; when it's bad, it's really bad, and when it's good, it's really good. so when does the bad start to outweigh the good?

[@CSJoseph]

life isnt about what is good or bad, or true or false. Life is about what is wise and what is not :)

[@lvsayles]

I don't agree with the cruelty part. If I were to try to be cruel, I'd feel so bad about it I'd have to fix it immediately. The thing is we can be taken advantage of by the narcissist. Perhaps, maybe I shouldn't give people on here ideas. When I don't want to help someone, however, I will not. This especially applies to the ungrateful.

[@chakkaphak]

@Rubix Cube pride, lust, we can make people feel judged - not the same thing as cruelty

[@chakkaphak]

@Rubix Cube i wrote a paragraph comment about it yesterday here. in short: cruelty is when you take pleasure, or are callously indifferent, in causing pain to others. we aren't callous, we're the total opposite. it's simply the inversion of reality to call us cruel. capable of hurting people yes, just like all other types -- and some types can really do enjoy doing it

[@chakkaphak]

@Rubix Cube i agree with have bad parts and weaknesses. i've agreed we can crush people, i don't agree we take pleasure in it, that's fairly antithetical to the nature of being an Fe dom. that's all, don't take my word for it if you like. peace

[@chakkaphak]

@Rubix Cube i'm honestly trying to explain. cruelty depends on how we feel about it when we hurt people (take pleasure or not take pleasure) or if we do it on purpose, not the fact that we hurt people. it's that simple.. everyone hurts another person sometimes. his point is simply that he's hurt, he has no way at all of knowing the answer to the question, "did my father purposefully hurt me and take pleasure, or callously not care that he hurt me, when he made a joke at my expense?" assigning cruelty is a question of intention. ENFJs are famous for swallowing our own feelings and judgments so that we don't hurt other peoples' feelings, frequently to our own detriment. We agonize over telling people about how they hurt us and we get taken advantage of by narcissists. We are the prey of cruel people and it's absurd to suggest that we deserve the label relative to other types. When we hurt people it is an exception to the rule that we take great pains, upon ourselves, to avoid doing so.. we do this to a fault and I stress this point so another ENFJ might read this and say.. I should be more willing to put myself first even if it means hurting people. a perfect summary is this imo. The opposite of the word benevolent, which he suggests we are the epitome of, is malevolent which is synonymous with cruelty. If you think it makes sense to label us as the most benevolent and notably malevolent at the same time, you might as well say that an ENFJ is all things at once -- opposites are opposites. That we are capable of hurting people doesn't suggest we are cruel, that's just a case of the exception proving the rule

[@chakkaphak]

@Rubix Cube the person who is acting is the only one that can say for certain if their action is cruel. yes, i'm using a definition that i've made explicit, you can use your own - but you should spell it out if you are because otherwise we will talk past one another. the definition both he and you are using seem to be: i was hurt by another person therefore they must be cruel. by that standard all people are cruel because everyone hurts someone. for instance, you disagreeing with me hurts me a little.. and he saying ENFJs are cruel hurts all ENFJs a little.. was anyone trying to hurt me? no.. not cruelty. please try to see that an ENFJ is the type MOST adept at reading other people's feelings and thereby MOST prone to sensing others' suffering. if i were to use the word cruel as he did, believe me all people would need to be labeled cruel - especially him and his type.. he really likes pointing out flaws of other people (clearly) - but i do see that he means to help and he also points out the positives. i'm sorry if an ENFJ hurt you and we're not perfect. we do care about justice, but we are considerably more in tune with mercy/forgiveness. peace

[@weirdwolf888]

I've dated an ENFJ who struts around like a peacock (;-)) about his benevolence and lapping up all the recognition and validation and expecting gratitude - giving with strings - (like a Communal Narcissist - see Dr Ramani's videos) and Rescuer (see Karman Drama Triangle) but can be cruel to his partner behind closed doors, but doesn't SEE the cruelty, in pure narcissist style he projected it on to me, and accused me of being the cruel one. That was the frustrating bit - him not owning his own darkness. I agree with @Infk below - not sure I want to bother with any type, including my own!

[@millenniumfox9218]

Thank you for the video. As an ENFJ with all due respect just from my perspective being one LOL. When you were speaking of enfjs having certain judgments or labeling people we're jumping to conclusions about people I would have to say at least with myself I definitely disagree. I in fact have a genuine heart and love for people going through tough times whatever that means whether they be drug addicts whether they be criminals Etc. I genuinely love working with these people because I believe there is room for change and that underneath any of our bad choices there's also good people with good hearts and good intentions. I believe that anyone can make bad choices or decisions and that there's hope and the best thing we can do is give them the benefit even if there's doubt and shower these people with love and kindness and show them that someone believes in them. Anyways that's my two cents worth as an ENFJ and I even work with people doing certain Christian missions who are drug addicts and I understand that at any point I could be in anyone's shoes.

[@megangilbert3112]

There's no question that ENFJs give love unconditionally like you are saying, however I think it's a bit different when it becomes personal. As a fellow ENFJ, I'm aware that I can be pretty harsh on people who have hurt me over and over again to the point where I don't want to be in their lives anymore, and try to ignore their very existence. I think this is the kind of bias he was referring to in the video.

[@phishhhh]

​@@megangilbert3112 Yes exactly...jumping to conclusions as in being judgy about that particualr person And I completely agree with your reply of cutting off people that disregard me or hurt me at times

[@omerekici9835]

I am an ENFJ living with an ESTJ stepmother for 9 years now. We had some interesting years and I fell into my demon in these years. Since I learned about cognitive functions I got to know myself better and where she is coming from. Very much of what you say here about cruelty is true. It’s hard for me to open up now and behave nicely to her because I felt controlled and my ideas weren’t respected. It looks like the doorslam of the INFJ. I just keep acting in my demon, even if I don’t want to do be like that. I just want to be nice to her, but everytime I am near her it feels like I am still controlled and I get in some kind of fear mode.

[@4helio214]

Wow! 😲 The peacock story is heartbreaking. Did you heard about communal narcissism? There's great vids on prof Sam Vaknin channel (especially the recent one , it's titled 'communal narcissists, altruistic pleaser or controlling sadists ', I think )

[@datura_preworkout]

Could you do a virtue and vice video on INFPs? Very informative channel btw. Keep up the good work.

[@dukealbero1468]

I think he does them in a certain order.

[@datura_preworkout]

Dukemarsha Albatross Now looking back at his previous uploads that would make sense.

[@CSJoseph]

colin xylon harris yes these are done in a certain order

[@Valenciapayne]

ENFJ here, I completely agree. I became very aware of my ability to be cruel with extreme precision. Because of this i often will just stop talking immediately, and isolate myself away from that person. The thing that irritates me the most above all else is if im talking to a person or more so a spouse, and they are showing zero interest or just totally disregard me. This immediately pisses me off. It hurts my feelings, and I'll instantly go quiet. Or refuse to talk to them for a short amount of time. until I feel that I have to squash it simply for the fact of carrying on with routine. Most people consider my silence 🤐 the worst of my anger, but if they had any idea what it could be, im sure they would seriously prefer it 😂 I would definitely say the most telling sign I'm angry, is if I immediately stop talking. I would say on a day-to-day basis the most annoying thing that doesn't trigger a response from me necessarily is when people disturb the small amount of silence that I do enjoy in my life if I'm reading or focused on something and somebody is loud or irritating it's super annoys the shit out of me, avoiding people like that in my life is extremely important because I spend all my time with other people I need some self-reflecting time. That being said, I'm dating a type that does just that it's something I have to get past every single day. So id say the ENFJ personality types can be adapted if the person so chooses.

[@sandradibiaso7316]

Your ENFJ dad is a rock star in my book. ENFJs want to make the world a better place and they look out for their family - especially their kids. They are why we have scholarships, student loans, financial aide, homeless shelters and earth day. ENFJs are the "cruelest" in retaliation to a wrong done to us. Your dad didn't mean to be cruel. He wanted you to succeed. An ESTJ dad would beat you up for not doing well in school. Be nicer with your honesty towards us ENTPS and we won't retaliate in anger with angry words. We have a hard time not wanting to take control of a situation. We are all human! Every personality type has two sides - even you ENTPs.

[@jonwiffen7591]

Also there’s ways to word the truth to not offend someone but if you think anything’s said is fair game because it’s the truth that would be wrong

[@michellemann3805]

As a enfj I find this very fascinating, yet wonder why I don’t share this cruelty trait?? I get angry but simply address the source of my frustration. I do have mean thoughts but they are short lived and I actually thought that is a typical response to being upset. Maybe I have been taught this...I’m not sure.

[@sandradibiaso7316]

I need to see a therapist for my issues with toxic ESTPs and toxic ESTJs. You need to see a therapist for your issues with ENFJs, ESFJs, and ISFJs.

[@JR-ow8xg]

I have seen this video more than 10 times. Every word is right. I've been cruel but only a few times in my life, although my mind wants to do it every time someone tries to shut me, which is so hypocritical of me to do because of Te demon. What do you recommend for ENFJs to balance their cruelty? Btw, thank you so much for your hard work, I hope everything is going amazing in your life.

[@hcoop5251]

Although I try really hard to stay non confrontational, I admit that as far as the pendulum swings to the sweet side is as far as it swings to the mean side. 🤦‍♀️

[@nicolasdanek4225]

I'm an INFJ-T and I really can also be cruel to people. It's not something I like to do, but if someone deserves it they are definitely going to pay.

[@SJaye-zv9er]

Someone I used to take care of was an ENFJ who, in addition to everything you talked about here, was often vengeful. Examples: She was pissed at her husband and hid the bills to get even with him, one of which was the car insurance bill. When there was an accident, there were pretty big consequences to him. If she was angry at someone, she would throw something of theirs away. She threw tantrums any time she didn't get what she wanted. She frequently made snide comments about her husband and children in my hearing. Can the ENFJ's cruelty go this far without nurture coming into play? I was told that it had been lifelong behavior. She was a lovely woman in spite of her occasional viciousness, but man, could she be scary from time to time.

[@CSJoseph]

yes it can

[@rebecam.8397]

12:30- you sound like youre being held hostage by one at this very moment! Lol no but fr im sorry on behalf of enfjs if we've hurt you. That all sounds terrible and ill be extremely conscious of it from now on till the day i die 😐

[@CSJoseph]

Rebeca Cervantes awesome. ENFJs are good people, but like everyone else hey have strengths and weaknesses

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

Martin Luther King Jr. Vs. The Wicked Witch of the West

[@grumpyschnauzer]

Geez, your dad sounds like my dad with the grade stuff and the punishment dynamic. Except my father is Bipolar/Schizo. I’m curious if aspects of personality are inherited within a family? My father would definitely break us to build us back up the way he wanted us to be.

[@brendagervais]

I have an enfj bff. I'm infj. Loving these videos, but I imagine that is no surprise. And yes, probably one of the best things for an infj/enfj to do is to stop this whole ridiculous idea that they have to door slam people forever or that people never change. At least be open to the idea that people do change. Maybe they won't be a part of our lives, but to deny people the grace to grow and learn from their mistakes is a very unhealthy/naive way to look at the world. Give others the same grace that we wish that others would give us as we stumble and fall since none of us are perfect. I think this often comes with age...at least with the older, healthy INFJs I've dealt with or read on the boards. The struggle is real though. I commend the younger ones who are tackling these issues head on earlier.

[@CSJoseph]

Brenda Gervais preach

[@bugfolk6323]

Agreed with this as an INFJ, I cringe and shake my head when I see those videos of INFJ's seeming to brag about their door slam moments. While I understand the mindset (struggling to deal with the emotions behind the door slam with a family member) I agree it is not the healthiest thing long term. I see why. It's self preservation, it's the feeling of ugh I'm afraid they're going to bring me right back to those emotions that triggered the slam, but while the slam seems to help, really what it is doing is freezing those emotions in place, like pausing a video and throwing it on the shelf. If returned to, those emotions I fear will return.... I'm kind of looking for help regarding this and a family member with BPD....

[@chelseaescalada2816]

Thank you. I needed this. I'm an ENFJ freshman in College and people in here keeps testing my personality. Thank you for the reminder. More power!

[@kharla.mendez]

I’m an ENFJ. I can attest to this. I can’t help it when I’m being cruel. But worst part of it is, I do not feel guilty about it. Coz I see it as necessary. But if I feel like it’s a waste of my energy and time, I just stop and do the door slam. I can easily move on and I’ll just forget about it.

[@CSJoseph]

hopefully not too cruel

[@t.6071]

Same sis

[@HA4203___]

“See it as necessary” exactly. This is terrifying

[@iraqisailor]

It’s necessary 😅 My life become much easier after I discovered my cruel side, being nice is saved for nice people and being cruel is for the bad ones.

[@feijie3829]

istps do this; I remember my istp mother refused to speak to me for a week and I had to live in my father's apartment at workplace, because drop in school grade. I droppd from the top 10/1000 to 100/1000.

[@katelynnlee5158]

😂😂😂😂 Lmfao Hella accurate. If my parents understood this, they wouldn't see the cruel side of me, but they think calling me names and degrading me will make me a better person. They think taking away my freedom and trying to control my every move will make me better. It's also black and white. I can be white and turn black quickly depending on the situation. That part about recognizing somebody's change and all is hella accurate too. I'm mostly like that with people who do me wrong. I just think of it as a dodging a bullet. Being friendly with them and trying to rebuild a friendship with them again is like giving them another chance to shoot me.

[@CSJoseph]

is it possible you are an INFP stuck in your ENFJ shadow due to the conflict with your family?

[@katelynnlee5158]

@@CSJoseph I could be. lol I'll go watch that video and I'll tell you my honest opinion.

[@emailgothacked]

I think integration from eneagram 2 to 4 helps with the balance. Fe-ti loop can hurt our selves as well as others. :).

[@aishaadam7473]

I can understand the effect of cruelty of ENFJs on Entps, like first their words may shocks you at that time and entps will feel this hurt feeling but they will just brush of or forgive in time. Althought it makes them to be carefull around ENFJs..

[@laceypennies]

I do not like to get into serious negative social interactions because I am fully aware of what is in my arsenal. I carry some heavy equipment that stings to the core of your existance. Best to leave it in storage collecting dust.

[@tiberiusgrey1529]

I'm wondering if this also apply as a secondary vice to a subconscious focused ISTP or a shadow focused INFP in conjunction with their primary vices.

[@hhayat19]

İm ENFJ my superego ESTJ ; cruel side is sooo normalll for me😅

[@bublepoof]

I am an ENFJ, found out about that recently and now I am binge watching your videos. The cruelty part.. made me remember situations when I could go super saiyan in a split second, mostly when they don't give me my "day in court" and keep interrupting me, I go from 0 to 100 and start spitting fire, I say the most cruel things designed specifically to hit that person's weakest spot. I once told an ESTJ (whom I really liked but thought he is mean and unfair to me): "you are alone and will die alone because you are such an unbearable, disgusting human being that no woman will ever be stupid enough as to consciously want to share a life with you" hitting that Fi inferior. Yes, it is disgusting, I know. The next second I was back to normal and simply scared and ashamed of what I said. Now I try to learn to never be like that again.

[@TV-wy1py]

Sounds like you made good use of Ti in delivering the truth, which can hurt/sting at times. ESTJs throw blows at everyone else all the time and give 2 fuccs how ppl are impacted by both their words & decisions (in a professional setting), it's not a bad idea to give them a taste of their own medicine from time to time. It infuriates me that they're so cold to others but are super soft and sensitive at their core..the get super butt hurt.

[@ginarw11]

What books would you recommend for more in-depth study of what you are teaching here for personality types with the cognitive functions and ego, unconscious, subconscious, and superego etc! I would really appreciate knowing!

[@CSJoseph]

Gina Wilson I usually go by author. I recommend the following: Plato, Linda Berens, John Beebe, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette.

[@ginarw11]

C.S. Joseph Thank you! I’m sure that will be very helpful!

[@truepeace3]

It is true. I wish it weren’t. I’m a turbulent ENFJ and life can be hard for us. We’re like walking antennas. And we have a hard time turning off those inner voices if we’re alone too much. There’s this internal struggle of truly loving people, but often knowing how to read them, causing an internal struggle when we know their motives. I truly despise manipulative, deceptive behavior. And people who assume a lot and take others for granted (including myself). My father is an ENTJ and was emotionally cruel to me as a child. I’ve struggled with rejection and abandonment issues for much of my life. However, the Lord has brought me a long way through the years. Without Him, I’d be a huge mess today. He’s the only one who gives me real inner peace. But we ENFJs have also been blessed with many virtues that, when realized and used for good, make the lives of those around us a pleasant, happy place to be.

[@CSJoseph]

dope

[@danielle3576]

😂 I thought u were going to say he killed the turkey.

[@ZygonCannar]

"You went too far, dude" is something I heard a lot in school, yeah. I thought it was okay because it was in retaliation. It's easy to justify that I destroyed my opponent in 'one stroke', they shouldn't have pushed me too far. But like every immature ENFJ, that was just an excuse to put in covert contract. "Mess with me X amount, and then I can destroy you effortlessly for the prestige." Te Demon. The more I build my 'status' as a 'pillar of light', the more people trust me, and I also 'get what I want'. Which was usually for girls to fall in love with me, even when they aren't supposed to. It was really fucked. It took a couple of genuinely good relationships with good intentions for me to see the damage covert contracts do. It's something all ENFJs need to face on their path to enlightenment, I think.

[@melisaboughey7515]

Lol! Your reading me!

[@hughmanetti1908]

This sounds like my father. Sounds like my favorite ex-girlfriend too.

[@liliaelle317]

What would she do ? (And why is she your favorite?^^)

[@jonwiffen7591]

Coworker walks in and asks me to put her water in the back. Thinking she’d meant the fridge I put it there. Comes back and yells at me “I WANTED ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER IF I WANTED IT IN THE FRIDGE I WOULDVE TOLD YOU TO PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE”. Never helped her again, rarely looked in her direction and now that it’s been 6 years since I’ve worked with her I still think of how much I dislike her

[@mrgalea100]

I’m wondering if an enfj vice would be brushed off by an intp because of the endurance you talked about in your other video. I would imagine this would enrage the enfj?

[@CSJoseph]

Yes! very well said.

[@TheFinalformsora]

So it would make sense if i relate to the virtue and vices of the four sides of my mind right?

[@CSJoseph]

yes

[@jackheltzel2804]

I think telepathic abilities and NARCISSIM go hand in hand.

[@CSJoseph]

I think psychometry and psychopathy go hand in hand.

[@justinfalzon6854]

Cruelty doesn't go for enough. Push us far enough and we're sadists. Kaiser Soze must of been an ENFJ.

[@AlexAnder-no7hv]

Haha wow are enfj’s masochistic too?

[@iulianoprea6659]

Justin Falzon Who's that?

[@chakkaphak]

we're more masochistic for sure. Kaiser Soze was probably INTJ and yes they have a sadistic streak

[@lightimpactmmm3844]

You say you speak truth - and you may well be - but if the listener is not ready to hear IT then it’s could be destructive- “ for if you look at a compass and you stride “straight north” without heeding the pitfalls and drops along the way , then what is the point of knowing “ Straight North.?”

[@crazydragon7865]

I'm sorry that you had that body-shaming experience.

[@SJaye-zv9er]

Is it possible to get a good idea about someone's type by looking their virtue and vice?

[@CSJoseph]

sure

[@RoopaDudleyPaintings]

Public Humiliation- wow.

[@godmode3611]

You bet I am not willing to take a second chance on someone I've come to the point of casting him/her out of my life.

[@melisaboughey7515]

I can be a bit cruel to be kind lol

[@RCAnderson42]

Have you experienced this with other ENFJs besides your father?

[@distortedattention4231]

I'm sensing a bit of biase here. I'm ENFJ and can't relate completely to what he is saying. I have seen other personalities that are far more cruel than I have ever been. I also don't get caught up in trying to help people anymore.

[@seanprater1795]

Their " cruelty " is more bravado and is only dangerous to a weak ego .... I've known t plenty of Enfjs and that cruelty is more amusing to me than hurtful , and I'm INFJ IMO, Esfjs are far worst....

[@kssgpv]

esfjs are the worst indeed

[@Dasani_water_drinker]

To be fair- we warn you. Most people don’t heed that WARNING. But usually it’s a 3 strikes you’re out kind of thing. If you attack me, you get our attention but no response. If you do it again, you get a warning. The third time, we will gut you with words. It’s not pretty but heed the warnings people- we try to be reasonable until we can’t. But we don’t do it to anyone that hasn’t offended us. CJ Im sorry that your dad was like that with you- sounds like there was more at play like cycles they were exposed to that they didn’t consciously break. I had that type of parent- but I CHOSE to NOT treat my children the same.

[@getagrip7474]

xNFJ here i dont think its fair to excuse ur father for the wrong he did if he didnt change. just bc u do good ohterwise doesnt mean u are allowed to do wrong. ive hurt ppl unfairly, which has led me to a lot of self hate and attempts at self punishing. i couldnt bear the pain so i had to learn to forgive the problem is some ppl dont notice their own mistakes even if u tell them like a normal person, to top it off they get offended simply for suggesting something they do might be wrong. if u see someone keep messing other ppl up selfishly again and again, the consequences on ppl's lives can be very bad. this goes for my own mistreating others as well. most ppl do not change much despite what they pretend. the leaps in conclusions i do have been quite bad, but ive treid to improve. it seems to me that most ppl who think they've changed so much - their perception of how much they've changed is a leap.

[@jkittz6372]

I am definitely one of the kindest people, that I know of, and that other people know of...but I do have an equally cruel side. My cruelty is only ever unleashed, on those who are cruel to me. I am with a partner, who has a very cruel side, and after watching this video and it confirms it is in our best interest to end this relationship. Few can survive a taste of their own cruel medicine - when an ENFJ is the one dishing it.

[@jcr-studios]

Please don’t paint all ENFJ’s with the same brush. Just bc they may have that type doesn’t mean they don’t have separate, personal issues like everyone else.

[@annakmeneses]

Yeah, I'm not a fan of his videos. They come across very ENFJ hating. He has very little good to say about ENFJs.

[@AlexAnder-no7hv]

I’m going to agree I’ve noticed Joseph only reference personal experiences (usually negative) with ENFJs and there is always a tongue in cheek attitude lol I’m not offended it just makes me realize how biased a lot of these descriptions are. I do agree with a lot of his points but I wouldn’t think he’s giving the final word.

[@AlexAnder-no7hv]

I understand why he is referencing his experiences I watch his videos and I said I agree with a lot of his points but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and not mention when I think Jospeh could reflect on using personal accounts often. It gets repeptive especially when talking about only ONE or TWO ENFJ. And I’m acting fine lol perhaps you could explain why you’re so mad lol you’re acting so hurt and defensive over my opinion? Get a fucking life dude if you’re not here to educate others or even yourself you’re doing it wrong and that’s really pathetic. In your own words “WHAT THE FUCK”

[@AlexAnder-no7hv]

And I’m the one who liked your comment because “I don’t think I have a weakness” :-)

[@SS-bu8ez]

He must have touched a nerve. ENFJs either don't give as much of a shit as they pretend to or just bat shit insane. Very judgemental.

[@smile6889]

Do ENFJ constantly have a bunch of kids and teenagers with them? Like not their own children, but everyone children?

[@smile6889]

Actually you just kinda answered it in your video

[@jennahumphrey1]

Have you looked at Dave Power's theory of feminine vs masculine Fe? Makes a lot of sense. I am sorry you are abused (and also sorry if you are as allergic to sympathy as I am). I'm guessing he was too & he feels a lot of guilt about it now if he's like most abusers. Really messed up of him to talk about your weight like that. Actually puts it into perspective why you are so oblivious to how it sounds when you talk about sex.

[@CSJoseph]

I could care less how I sound. Welcome to Se demon.

[@jennahumphrey1]

@@CSJoseph How so? I thought Se demon was more about hatred of physical reality.

[@AlexAnder-no7hv]

Hi Joseph I’m honestly trying to relate to these ENFJ videos being one myself and it’s very hard when you keep relating things like certain sense of humor or insecurities to all ENFJ. Just because your dad takes the leading role and has a very polarizing benevolent and cruelty outlook doesn’t make all ENFJ like that? I would apologize on behalf of your dad not knowing better but honestly it just sounds like some deep condtioning that has nothing to with his personality type and everything to do with his upbringing. Mind you I agree with ENFJ being giving and directing people our personality is very humanitarian but please refrain from stamping us as your father lol. My last point is dating an ENFJ doesn’t make you an expert in their psyche although it should give you good insight into their personality and how it’s been shaped. You obviously don’t have emotional sensitivity you display intellectual sensitivity and when you were overweight “words” made you sensitive, but as far as telling the truth to your partner and having them react “negatively” is more telling of how you don’t understand emotions especially at a given time. My advice is understand ENFJ aren’t always worries about the truth because it interferes with our IDEALS. I feel like you’re so close to understanding but can’t wrap your head around the spontaneity of ENFJ. Btw we are only angry or upset when our energy/time is not valued or we go unnoticed aka we need a lot of REASSURANCE. Sorry I vented but I’d like to share my thoughts especially if it could benevolently help someone :-)

[@CSJoseph]

Check the other comments on this video that agree with me.

[@SS-bu8ez]

Wow someone feels offended. I know ENFJs and they can be extremely cruel to the point I wish that they didn't exist.

[@onemoreguy4619]

I'm ENFJ, would never ever treat my son like that, I want him to be confident and think he's the best, not this negative crap so how does that fit

[@onemoreguy4619]

Never lay a finger on him either

[@megangilbert3112]

Thanks btw us ENFJs don't get roasted enough no cap

[@raedjamal5779]

why does an ENFJ girl always shit on me for my looks, she's been doing this since more than 2 years.

[@themoonbleu627]

That’s mean of him 😡😤

[@CSJoseph]

mean yet true

[@themoonbleu627]

C.S. Joseph sad I’m sorry you had to deal with that makes me mad you were just a kid😡😡

[@meanauntrena4667]

Forgive your father. You can feel the pain in your voice.

[@kssgpv]

why does he have to though?

[@meanauntrena4667]

@@kssgpv because, if the goal is to have a happy and successful life; Forgiveness in this will prevent any future pain that will prevent that. Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean that the relationship is restored; only that you are no longer hurt by someone's or your transgression(s).

[@meanauntrena4667]

Very few things feel better than looking back and realizing that you are no longer affected by the same thing, that had hurt you.

[@malindaeckert2300]

Is margaery GOT an ENFJ?

[@CSJoseph]

yes

[@jessesulam1870]

Actually was going to make a whole video about her. I actually believe that she is an ESFJ.

[@sandradibiaso7316]

ESTPs bring you down to lift you up and they are cruel. ISTPs are very cruel. ENFJs are only cruel in retaliation to someone being cruel to them. Your dad was not cruel to you about the chicken in the yard that was really a peacock. He said you were right while pointing at you. An ESTP parent would laugh in your face and and an ESTJ parent would get mad at you for calling it a chicken. Call us the cruelest all you want. I am certain the meanest ENTP is far worse than the meanest ENFJ.

[@raedjamal5779]

all Ti+Fe users have the capacity to be immensely cruel.

[@verntoews6937]

Enfj tells you their honest opinion even if it hurts how ever they are so in tune with others,rather than lie they sometimes remain silent even when they know something bad about you I wish Enfp would curtail their little White lies thinking they know what is best for others

[@antifashist6046]

ENFJ is my worst enemy I just know that

[@marahaquala1686]

I think you definitely had some interesting things to say, And we can definitely polarized very quickly. But I also think that you're making some of your judgments from Learned behavior patterns instead of an actual brain type. It also sounds like you really dislike ENFJs throughout the Video. I'm wondering how you know so many of them When they're supposed to be around 3% of the population? I enjoyed the video , I think it needed a little more balance.

[@marahaquala1686]

OK, Watched several more of your videos since this one. I now see that you're actually into this stuff and have the basis to speak on it with both knowledge and experience. You still sound negative but I can relate that to ,what I believe is, my INTP father and take it better.

[@CSJoseph]

No one else has the guts to be negative and point out bad things.