What's behind shame? An innocent wish to be loved | Chris Germer

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Chris Germer, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and lecturer on psychiatry (part-time) at Harvard Medical School. He co-developed the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program with Kristin Neff in 2010 and MSC has since been taught to over 250,000 people worldwide. They co-authored two books on MSC, The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook and Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program.
Chris spends most of his time lecturing and leading workshops around the world on mindfulness and self-compassion. He is also the author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; he co-edited two influential volumes on therapy, Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, and Wisdom and Compassion in Psychotherapy; and he maintains a small online practice in Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA.
TARGETED PLAYLIST LINK:
Compassion in a T-Shirt: In Session
LINKS:
Dr Chris Germer's webpage
chrisgermer.com/
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion webpage
centerformsc.org/
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions
www.amazon.com/Mindful-Path-S...
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive
www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-C...
Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals
www.amazon.com/Teaching-Mindf...
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: www.amazon.com.au/Gifts-Compa...
Say hi on social:
Facebook: / drstansteindl
Twitter: / stansteindl
Instagram: / dr_stan_steindl
LinkedIn: / stan-steindl-150a5264
Website: www.stansteindl.com/
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Video hashtags
Compassion, self-compassion, mindful self-compassion, chris germer, kristin neff, paul gilbert, compassion focused therapy, shame, self-criticism

[@wendywood4719]

Thank you Chris and Stan for bringing such wisdom to us

[@drstansteindl]

Thank you, Wendy!

[@kizzyshealingpraktijk]

Thank you for sharing your insights. I’m a guide in the field of grief and loss. So interesting that connection with shame.

[@drstansteindl]

Thanks for watching! And given the work you do, check out the video from the week before Dr Germer, an interview with Darcy Harris who does a lot in the field of compassion based approaches to working with grief. Compassion-based approaches to working with grief, with Darcy Harris kzbin.info/www/bejne/pXmVgKp-gb9li9U

[@MarkThrive]

4:27 Noticed that my childhood CPTSD "reparenting" practice of self compassion has quieted my toxic shame that has plagued my life for several decades!

[@drstansteindl]

Oh! That sounds wonderful. It really can be very powerful. Thank you for sharing. 🙏

[@clarkegriswold9831]

I have learnt more from this podcast than any other and I have listened to many. Please keep up the good work and many thanks for all the information you have supplied to those of us who are still suffering, you have given us hope.

[@sharonwerner7949]

Thank you. This is very interesting to consider the aspect of classical conditioning. The learned association between panic and self-compassion. One would assume the same connection could be made between anger and self-compassion. I'm thinking of Thich Nhat Hanh: "Hello, my little friend anger. I know you well. I will take care of you."

[@drstansteindl]

Love that! We want to bring compassion to our most difficult emotions :).

[@miss-winner]

It's so great to see Dr. Germer. I still listen to his compassion meditations almost daily. Thank you for this video. PS. Dr, please get back to posting on your KZbin page lol.

[@shehopeful]

Duality.. my mom was textbook. I recall her taking in at least 4 ppl. She was open, friendly, fed them, provided shelter for as long as was needed. But she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. Got better b4 she passed but I’m still baffled- today angry that she openly met others’ needs but was cruel to me most of her life. How do I accept me, recv acceptance from others when my mother overtly repeatedly rejected me?

[@drstansteindl]

Hi, and thank you for your heartfelt comment. So often we learn to self-soothe from have been soothed by others growing up. And when that is missing or the opposite occurs, it is very difficult. I think that was what Chris Germer was referring to when he said we all have a very innocent wish to be loved. Having said that, there is definitely something to be hopeful about (I really appreciate your KZbin name!). Self-compassion can be learned, practiced and eventually embodied. You may wish to check out Chris’s website or book, or the work of Kristin Neff. There are some great talks online from Kristin about mindful self-compassion. I wish you well and feel confident that you can get there. It might be hard work, but it is definitely possible. Thanks again for watching and commenting. S.

[@shehopeful]

@@drstansteindl Thank you for responding, I am grateful for finding this self-compassion concept and will look at the resources you mentioned. After all, I am hopeful. Thank you again!

[@maplante]

Very good talk. Personnally i think that shame is always internal. It start from your inside and then you project it in the eyes of other ( like paranoïa ) and it comes back to you. . You could be shame by somebody else but it's not gonna stick very much if you don't have it inside you. I think....

[@drstansteindl]

You make a really great point. Both external shame and internal shame are coming from inside. External shame is our perception that others see as as no good, and internal shame is that we see ourselves as no good...but both arise from our own perceptions. You can absolutely be shamed by someone else, but this may or may not stick, as you say. It is tougher when we are shamed as children, because the shame experience gets formed within us as shame memories, that can be quite traumatic and also become central to how we see ourselves, or our self-identity. Being shamed by others is also tough as adults, although it can depend a bit on the self-identity that we have already established. Thanks so much for watching and offering your thoughts!

[@saraclarke8238]

A really beautiful and uplifting interview Stan. Thank you 🙏

[@drstansteindl]

Thank you, Sara! It was such a joy to get to chat with Chris.

[@davidnuna1333]

this is such an insightful concept, thanks.

[@mszabol69]

I'm curious about the process of using MSC to work with pre-verbal shame. If babies are neglected emotionally when very young, then they can get stuck in "Freeze", since they don't have access to "Fight" or "Flight". And if that "Freeze" becomes the foundation of their relational experience, then Shame, becomes the baseline for all conscious experience. Which sucks. How to work with such deep rooted shame?

[@drstansteindl]

Yes, this is a very insightful question. And sadly very relevant. I think Chris might say that, it's not so much that we are able to rid ourselves of such deeply rooted shame, but that we start to relate to ourselves differently, compassionately, when those feelings arise. Thank you for such a thought-provoking comment.

[@donovangray4246]

I think it's hard to have self compassion for oneself when the rest of the world shames you for just existing. (member of Transgender community)

[@larsh8560]

Sadly very true. It's insane how society (and sometimes even family) traumatizes and re-traumatizes people. Members of the transgender community are certainly victims of this. I think there is self-compassion in even recognizing this.

[@drstansteindl]

Yes, feeling shamed can be a difficult block to self-compassion. Especially when the shame is so ostracizing. As Dr Germer says in this video, we all just want to belong, feel connected, and be loved. He describes this as an "innocent wish". Offering ourselves validation of the struggle we face is often the first step in self-compassion. Assuring ourselves that our feelings are real, make sense, and are completely reasonable given the situation we are in. It's a kind of self-empathy and self-validation. Sometimes we can find others who are understanding and supportive, and love us just the way we are. And sometimes we can practice self-compassion strategies designed to help us cultivate a feeling of safeness and security within ourselves, although that can take some time for sure. Dr Germer has some powerful practices on his website. Sending compassionate wishes.

[@drstansteindl]

That's a really great insight. Recognising our suffering and the sources of suffering is definitely an act of self-compassion in and of itself. Thanks for your thoughts!