Trauma, shame, and being enough | Patti Ashley | TEDxCU

One month after the COVID19 pandemic hit there was an 891% increase in calls to the National Mental Health Hotline. Psychotherapist, author, and speaker Dr. Patti Ashley explains how not feeling good enough has contributed to this mental health crisis. Uncovering and demystifying the shame that develops from early childhood trauma, ancestral DNA, and neuroscience, Patti helps you find emotional safety and feelings of love and belonging. Patti Ashley, PhD, LPC owns and operates Authenticity Architects in Boulder, Colorado. Integrating her forty-plus years of experience in education, child development, and psychology she has developed a wholehearted psychotherapy approach that facilitates long-term changes in the brain and nervous system, breaking through unconscious barriers to self-love, belonging, and connection.
Dr. Ashley also teaches and trains clinicians, physicians, hospitals, universities, and other organizations on her unique psychotherapy approach, offering insights into the identification and treatment of shame, trauma, grief, and dysfunctional family patterns.
Patti holds a PhD in psychology from the Union Institute and University, a MS in early childhood from Old Dominion University, and a BS in special education from James Madison University. She is the author of Living in the Shadow of the Too-Good Mother Archetype (2014,) Letters to Freedom (2019,) and Shame-Informed Therapy (2020.) This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@gerhardkathora4888]

"Give yourself permission to be like a child again. All wounder and curiosity tame shame" felt that

[@AdNauseamart]

THIS❤🙏🏻

[@k8tina]

Grew up with narcissistic mother and alcoholic veitnam-veteran father, abused and bullied by so many growing up, never had any friends and I have never felt safe. 💔 48 years old and still don't trust anyone. It's ruined my ability to love and get close to anyone, including my children despite being the best possible mother I could be. Always felt shame and not enough. My marriage fell apart when my military husband had a PTSD induced psychotic break 3 years ago and I just shut down inside. Talk about imposter syndrome!! This TED talk really resonated with me. I hope others are able to find comfort and help thru this woman's wise words.

[@minniesimmonsmoody4761]

I think this is the best TED talk I've seen I'm so happy I found this.

[@janetslicer3637]

For the last three months I have been in crisis and trauma counseling since my husband of almost 40 years committed suicide four months ago. This woman's presentation made more sense to me than most of what I have been listening to for the past three months. I finally feel like I can breathe again. I have a long way to go but I just might be on my way back. I will never be the same but there may well be a way forward. I will listen to this again and again. My son will listen to it next.

[@christinalw19]

It’s amazing. We have clues but usually deny. Oh, it can’t be. My Dad committed suicide 50 years ago. He was sick from alcoholism. It goes to show you that WE have no power or control over another person, even if we have been with them over half our life. It’s not your fault. You are probably the strong partner, or the one who has the ability to pick up the pieces. You have my prayers, compassion, and wish I could help more. I’m so sorry. You will come out of it and know what it’s all about. I am certain, Dear One. 🙏🏼❤️🕊

[@janetslicer3637]

@@christinalw19 Thank you very much for your meaningful response and words. It means a lot to me. Kindest regards, Janet

[@JoSpring]

I just wanted to say, that she is one of my dearest friends, and she really is that compassionate and that loving. You can trust what she says. You're going to be OK. Much love to you. 💕🌸💕

[@BloomByCC]

I’m so so sorry Janice. I pray you find peace. ❤

[@alexandergomez0327]

I’m so sorry for your loss Janet. From One survivor to another. It wasn’t your fault….. ❤❤❤

[@mitchkothe9025]

The universe is with me. I’m back to life. Right before my eyes is this incredible woman. Thank you this is what I needed to watch and listen to

[@johnoakes6174]

GOD BLESS YOU TOO WHO EVER YOU ARE

[@gwenniferelbedour]

Thank you for this Patti!!!

[@zacharytowey6989]

The universe truly brought this to me today! Thank you so much for your speech!!! ✨

[@user-iw7vy3cr1o]

Very helpful

[@RISERefuge]

Thank you for this clear and simple explanation. Grounding techniques, nature, music, and journalling are my go-to de-compression, and healing and tools. Breathing, physical movement, journalling and creating art works help me to renew and restore. Mindfulness helps to elevate the theta state so we can be in the learning/growth mode.

[@yoagi999]

As a 22 year old ,I'm glad more of this content is coming out and being shared I know a lot of young adults now we are striving to create a better world where if we want to have children they won't ever have to go through what any of the previous generations went through. A generation that experiences no trauma let it be set in stone!

[@viscariasongbird7354]

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. This, is needed much more than anything logical I've run into recently.

[@iloveramennoodle01]

this is a synchronizitie to me. I've been working over the last two years on who and what I want to become in my future. I've been learning specifically about childhood traumas and becoming better at identifying my own and the outcomes or actions they have me producing today.this isn't a coincidence but a sign I'm discovering a significant lesson.

[@abby999]

big same

[@charliehachem6142]

Could you send me somewhere i could start prob a book or channel

[@abby999]

@@charliehachem6142 listen to alan watts on youtube, almost all of his talks are free to listen on here, life changing stuff

[@unluckyomens370]

Any tips cause i was talking about memory gaps and my boss was asking questions and i just stumbled onto a lot of stuff id forgotten and im not okay with it

[@annadobysh1420]

I'm enough, how wonderful it's sound. We can literraly escape the shame just by being a Child, dancing, singing, playing. Great advice🌼

[@gunjanyadav2691]

I felt so relaxed after watching this video..What a wonderful talk..💟

[@izaaguilo]

Wow! What a breakthrough. Thanks and blessings 🙌

[@susandavis8528]

Thank you, Patti. Your talk is like a journey through my past several years, working with a therapist on childhood trauma from abuse, grief at the loss of my marriage, then loosing my job and career. I have found solace and even joy in being here for myself, and for the everyday moments. Not an easy journey, but a rewarding one as I am more authentic, and more connected. And now I know I'm also A Nuff. 😀❤🙏

[@gratefultobehere]

authentically compassionate. I felt that in your message. God bless you.

[@lisasternenkind6467]

24 hours a day are not enough to meditate my cPTSD away. And it also does not help when people are saying, that I JUST need to let go, live in the moment, think positive, don't look back, etc. I am fed up of this toxic positivity.

[@aidanomorgadh1]

Wow what a brilliant lady, I will watch this again and again. There are so many great learnings in this talk. Thank you, so much, I feel uplifted on my journey and I need the uplifting 🙏

[@alananalderladywarrior1754]

I wake up at 6am today to find this notification. Coincidence? I think not! I needed to hear this so much 🙏🏻

[@aisadal2521]

Great timing, since these old feelings stirred up in me for a while recently

[@mikelister4590]

Straight up beautiful and so real

[@sharonshowalter1044]

Simply superb and just enough!

[@jacquidanke1263]

THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING ABOUT THIS. I LEARNED A LOT LISTENING TO YOU. GOD BLESS YOU AND CONGRADULATIONS ON ALL THAT YOU HAVE ACHEIVED! YOU ARE ENOUGH! GOD SAYS SO.

[@kalungisharifah9520]

Thank you. In the middle of my anxiety , not feeling enough , feeling lost , . I always tune in here at Ted talks for a relief . Thank you so much..

[@5555kids]

Really wonderful to hear this Ted Talk. It really resonated. Thank you 😊

[@helenbricka4614]

I was meant to hear this message today. How simply put and yet impactful beyond measure. No one would ever guess by outward appearance how much I really needed this message at this moment. I’m positive I’m not the only one who was inspired by the talk. 😉Thank you! 🙏

[@LittleRedRideMeGood69]

10/10 ACE score. Foster care kid. Narcissist mother with a victim complex. *_As a mother myself, I never feel good about me. There's always more to be done, more to be said, more to be planned, more (verb)._* I just want to be happy. For one day. ☹️

[@AppleTY2015]

❤you deserve to be happy.

[@zuhayermamun5902]

To the speaker of this talk: you did an exceptional job in your presentation. I am proud of you for overcoming the (external/social) verbal limitations which others attempted to impose upon you in your past. To me: you are a living proof of what it means to believe in your self (thank you for inspiring me in this way). … I will try to refrain from typing too much, and finish by saying: thank you for providing myself and others with wisdom in our individual journeys within this life. May peace be upon you, speaker- and upon all others. Breathe deeply, and don’t forget the power of your own breathe. Peace to all and may you go fourth -> Spread love. and may you lead with a compassionate heart -- but also a strong voice guided by your personal truth. Goodbye now. Thank you for reading. P.S. : I have a feeling that this idea of a creature known as a “nuff” will stick with me for some time. What a brilliant and creative way to assist others (including myself!!!) to better realize the point yo hate trying to make. May the universe bless you. Thank you.

[@thegreyman1575]

I applaud the speaker on her topic. I do have comments on this, though did watch until the end and really thought about this before writing. Let’s begin. I’m watching this, I’m seeing an insight to a mental health crisis that is restated and reassembled to gear towards self empowerment. And not from the audience’s standpoint. Grandstanding is one thing, but TED is designed for the sake of presenting real time, innovative aspects and processes for the modern day. Introspection and reframing our woes is poignant, true, and I’m noting my bias here as well. I study this area from time to time, and still have a ways to go. But we need more than pointing these things out. We need programs, structures, communal works, to bring people together, and understand why this shame exists, and what we can do as “curse breakers” (as someone I tend to view decided to label this generation of trauma survivors and inheritors) in this and our kin’s lifetimes. The clock’s ticking. What can we do to help? Leave your comments below, and please, be rational. Maybe TED will see this.

[@wernerstoffels9246]

Respect Patti

[@user-jj7sd6vv7o]

This was an amazing presentation with so much wisdom, insight and valuable information. Thank you so much!!

[@annabethchase4568]

such an amazing person.

[@Katieeee888]

Here because of Joane’. I appreciate seeing this when I did. I needed to hear this. We all are enough. ❤

[@lubnarahman7526]

Wonderful talk 🤍

[@VillageCookingWithParnik]

Anyone who reads this, we don't know each other and probably will never meet in the future, but I wish you all the best in life and all the luck in the world. Amen❤❤🥰🥰🤲🤲

[@2lovelaughlive]

☺️

[@uzbek_eunhye]

Same, dear. ♡ Ameen

[@UpFromUnder6]

Thank you. Same to you!

[@Preetkaur-st4do]

Same to you 😍🥰

[@florat6751]

Amen. Thank you and wish you the same too.

[@michellebrennenstuhl8354]

You are amazing!!!!

[@chantelbaldwin6862]

One of the most amazing talks I have ever heard! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom

[@pakalanaveena4114]

Thank you Ashley!✨I literally cried in the middle.

[@ranijha7388]

The best Tedtalk I have ever watched and can relate myself to. Thank you so much for such subtle presentation! 🙏 God bless you!❤️

[@abby999]

“you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens” ❤️‍🩹

[@NathalieLazo]

“Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom.” - Jim Rohn ✨

[@lorettatollefson7010]

This helped me to understand where my parents were coming from--the 18th century mindset carried forward via the 19th century Christian evangelical movement that they swallowed wholesale in their teens. Now I can deconstruct that and move forward. Thank you.

[@cindisharma3455]

we did not adopt because we could not have kids. We gave our daughter a life she would not have had, had she not been adopted. Adoption is not good but sometimes it is the only option to keep them alive. The triad needs support on all sides.

[@TheComedyGeek]

"You can't find comfort in the logical mind. " This is undoubtedly true. But the other half of my mind is extremely underdeveloped. In emotional terms, I don't even know how to feed myself. So what do I do? I have no religious education or spiritual tradition to turn to. I have no memories of comfort and safety to return to. I have been emotionally very alone for most of my life. All I have is the cold hard facts and my sad little heart. And I have no idea where to go from here.

[@abby999]

“so what do i do?”” what do You do? as in, the You that you believe is You? it sounds like, the You that you believe you are, is just that logical half. and it sounds like the logical half is asking, what do i do? the answer is, You can’t. you can’t logic your way out of this, or into it. feeling and understanding and insight and intuition isn’t a puzzle you can solve, or a game you can speedrun. this is Life. life flows in its own harmonious harmony. all that needs to happen is already happening. you’re here, watching this video. you’re here, in this comment section. there’s a genuine and deep and real desire in your heart for true love and connection. otherwise, why would you be here, baring your soul? of course, your “I”, your current self image & self identification is with logic, and that’s ok. what i’m saying is, the seed has been planted, and growing. maybe all of those years, the seed was already there, under the soil, hibernating, and now it’s just beginning to burst forth. everything that is needed is already at hand. p.s. look up alan watts. man changed my life

[@TheComedyGeek]

@@abby999 It's not that I think I am only my logical side. It's that I don't have access to any other side and solving things logically is all I know how to do. And I know I can't solve my emotional problems that way, but it's all I have got. Telling me to solve things emotionally is like telling me to solve things by sprouting wings. Great reply, BTW. Really got me thinking,

[@abby999]

@@TheComedyGeek logic is not all u got, i promise 😄 life doesnt build humans and then give up halfway. whatever uve been thru that caused u to believe emotions werent safe, that they needed to be shoved down so far you cant remember what they felt like anymore, or how to get at them - it is a gradual process to allow yourself to feel again. like i said tho, ur in the right place, so dont stress it. my therapist has helped me a ton over the past 6 years, its not for everybody but that would be my rec. also, i listen to alan watts talk two or three times a week - he keeps my head on straight

[@TheComedyGeek]

@@abby999 I agree that it only feels like logic is all I got because it's all I know. I know that my fundamental POV is flawed. I want to open myself up to seeing the world through my feelings as well. But instead I find myself asking the wrong questions over and over again. Thanks for th replies, Abby. :)

[@susandavis8528]

I agree with Abbey about therapy helping. It's not easy necessarily to find the right fit. Mine is Gestalt focused, very connected to a moment-by-moment experience, and what that reveals. It's a way of connecting left and right, and accessing mental plasticity, as Patti describes it. It is hard work AND do-able.

[@flomedel660]

“Imagine what it might feel like if you were enough” …

[@arjunnair2924]

I always believe I'm good enough along with room for betterment

[@urvashisangwan8858]

Heart-warming! ❤Thank you for this. 😊

[@kanzul4256]

so deep, so inspiring, so beautiful!

[@shazme4915]

Impressive Audience Fluoxetine is the way out for audience . Now i also deserve the TedX speaker

[@zuhayermamun5902]

I am now listening to this for the second time- as I am painting! May we all (metaphorically) be a Nuff. : ) BREATHE !!!! (--Simply stop. take at least 6 seconds. And breathe. In and out. Deeply. *maybe even close your eyes---) peace to all. --> The power of a simple deep breath is profound. I am still trying. Still on my journey. I am far from perfect. Goodbye all. And may you search for progress rather than perfection.

[@NewOldObsession]

your shadow: the parts of yourself you hide because you feel they are bad "you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" -poet Rumi "you can't find safety in your logical mind", it comes from your heart-brain. you need experiences that FEEL good, via mindfulness in the present moment creativity helps build neuroplasticity, esp when rewiring your brain for better self worth belief identify a specific emotion, find the story that's related to it, and rewrite it. ex: if you feel abandoned, ask how you can stick around for yourself a little more break shame with the magic of imagination. wonder and curiosity tame shame. play like a child, sing, dance, laugh, create

[@helche8544]

love it

[@JanKatrinaGuanzon]

I love this message so much. 💗

[@manas-4069]

So tru best talk

[@Wolfighter1]

well said .

[@clarencegibbons6599]

I wish you the same🙏.

[@jahidanasser90]

❤

[@sd7317]

I am enough ❤️

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Yaaasss, Brené Brown vibes!

[@botheyesUp]

Am I too old at 55 to heal from childhood abuse? My brothers witnessed my abuse but stood by the abuser. That hurt.

[@JustCallMeLiberty]

No you're never to old to get better!

[@pattiashley9589]

never too old! love to you..

[@theavengers.]

Nicee another ted

[@monicab8176]

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[@wolfVerma]

i'm a nuff

[@nokoolaid]

John Bradshaw was onto shame earlier on.

[@killerbudgie1976]

💜💜💜

[@kclocklear9827]

💜

[@veronicatt3682]

What is the best way to make money from crypto trading, in this dip market?🤔🤔

[@raymondpietro7]

I don't trade I invest with a professional assigned by a crypto company that trades for us and returns profits on weekly basis for me and you can invest your capital and get weekly Returns of investment (ROI) without any extra fees attached The professional is Mrs Lisa Tracy

[@debgggl4609]

You're right I think the best way is to invest with a professional, at least it saves the trauma of too much losses

[@debgggl4609]

This just surprised me because I also invest with Mrs Lisa

[@harryfred9592]

I started with $3,200 at 12 April and I'm almost at $18k now! all thanks to Lisa Tracy.

[@jorgehill8831]

@@harryfred9592 Thanks for recommending her, this was how I got her info too she's indeed a professional.

[@mariadelourdesaniessanchez9731]

for me people myself

[@themcgeefamily7514]

💚💙

[@axelbautista279]

Does anybody know a good Ted talk to help someone who lives in an abusive household? (Not me, a friend)

[@acomment5991]

Clicked so fast.

[@cjsjedi73]

I need a nuff bobble head.

[@pattiashley9589]

great idea!

[@jimmohammed555]

My dears all bros & siss, how are you doing?? May Allah guide you to the truth always & bless you. Amin

[@deotexh]

I'm confused about the "Heart brain" part, isn't it the amygdala that "controls" your fear (with other parts of your brain)

[@pattiashley9589]

The amygdala responds to threats and influences the brain and nervous system. The heart brain is how we regulate stress and know we are safe.

[@justingiovinazzo9176]

If you like this podcast, check out a book called F.E.A.R. - Face Everything And Rise!

[@hugeuglygorillaz9599]

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad people are getting the help they need, but I do feel a bit salty that something that was ignored and mocked by so many but is all too real and painful for the rest of us (mental illness), has only now become "real" once people were trapped in their homes and forced to stare it in the face. I remember my mother telling me (when I was in high-school) that mental illness wasn't real and "kids today aren't right unless something is wrong", but now she claims depression for her weed card...

[@SJerseyfishhead]

That's ironic!

[@sweepapawahpaxtan2274]

Alcoholics ruin othrs life in dysfunctional families

[@sorikaiwolf8955]

Not gonna lie I clicked this bc she looks exactly like a middle aged Android 18 even her clothes and the colors 😅

[@francescos7361]

Great bestiale !!!!!

[@mr.c2485]

Is she Eckhardt Tolles wife?

[@zuhayermamun5902]

First

[@UpFromUnder6]

Good for you!

[@marylevin9262]

So flippin what.

[@zuhayermamun5902]

Thanks, first ever first comment🤷🏽‍♂️ On a better note: I am grateful I found this video- thankful I listened attentively 🧞‍♂️ peace to all. ✌🏽

[@marianharris68]

The absent supermarket consquentially question because asterisk intriguinly trot per a evasive fisherman. coordinated, new ptarmigan

[@stephenosborne1530]

The blue-eyed dugout evocatively march because brick apparently found behind a hard-to-find fibre. solid, abrasive helmet

[@DirtyBottomsPottery]

I'm sure the Karen in HR who's responsible for hiring me cares.

[@Gg-ij7li]

JESUS IS COMING BACK SOON, ACCEPT THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST IN YOUR HEART, REPENT OF YOUR SINS AND YOU WILL BE SAVED! REPENT FOR THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS AT HAND ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@marylevin9262]

God is already in us and we don't owe him anything to be accepted.

[@ema4770]

OK you completely lost my trust and ears when you start to speech about con men like deepak chopra 🤬

[@ozicryptoG]

*yawn

[@lightgolden5337]

What is this? Is she paid to make healthy people victims?

[@ashmeadali]

How to switch to a higher frequency: Sing HU daily to open your heart to love yourself and all of life, to love unconditionally, as God does. HU app shows how.

[@My2cents.]

One doesn’t experience self transcendence, the illusion of self only dissipates…🟥

[@mitchkothe9025]

The universe is with me. I’m back to life. Right before my eyes is this incredible woman. Thank you this is what I needed to watch and listen to

[@daynasnow3405]

this is beautiful

[@milasaba7594]

❤️