What to Do When You Feel Unappreciated - Matthew Kelly

Do You Feel (UN)Appreciated?
What to Do When You Feel Unappreciated - Matthew Kelly
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Video Transcript:
“Do you feel appreciated? It’s horrible to feel taken for granted. When our efforts go unacknowledged, we can feel invisible, unloved, and unappreciated. And yet, the great majority of people feel unappreciated by at least one of the most important people in their lives.
So, what can you do if you feel unappreciated? There are an unlimited number of ways to express appreciation, so the first thing is to explore your assumption. They may not be expressing their appreciation in words, but they may be expressing it in other ways. If you feel unappreciated, take a moment and consider if they are expressing their appreciation in a way you have not considered.
If you still believe someone important in your life does not appreciate you, speak up. It is difficult, but essential for your mental health and happiness. There is always the chance that a person is unaware that you don’t feel appreciated. And if someone you love felt that way toward you, wouldn’t you want to know? Simply by drawing their attention to it, you give them the chance to point out the ways they do express their appreciation and provide the opportunity for them to express their appreciation more going forward. If you feel taken for granted, if you don’t feel appreciated, speak up, share how you are feeling.
One of the reasons it is so important to say something is because if you do not process these feelings of being unappreciated in a healthy way they will almost certainly turn into feelings of anger and resentment. It’s not fair to you or to the other person to harbor these feelings in secret.
It is of course possible that none of that will work. Unfortunately, some people only begin to appreciate who you are and what you do for them if you stop. Sometimes you have to take a break and sometimes you have to stop forever, depending on how dysfunctional the situation is. But when the situation is one of chronic disregard and lack of appreciation, stop doing what you feel is unappreciated for a day, a week, a month, as long as it takes to get the person’s honest attention.
Another mistake we are in danger of making when we don’t feel appreciated is to focus on those feelings and forget to express our appreciation for others. You know how it feels when you go to great effort and nobody notices. It can be incredibly disheartening.
Express your appreciation to the people in your life and the strangers that pass through your life. There are hundreds of ways to do it. Find a way that works for you. Some people like to speak their appreciation, others are more comfortable writing letters. A kind word of encouragement, a hug that lasts a little longer than usual, a small gift, a note, buying someone lunch, small acts of service, spending quality time with people, are all ways to signal to people “I see you. I appreciate you. I am grateful for the ways you make my life a little easier and enjoyable.”
And one last thing… Be specific when you express your appreciation. Rather than saying, “I appreciate all you do for me” say “One of the things I really appreciate is how you…” Name something specific that you appreciate.”
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[@Isaac-st8jh]

When i try to speak up, it turns into an argument. And it makes it worse because i feel i no longer can speak up

[@abriannacobarris]

Same here, when I say something I get cursed out or they change the subject cause their not ready for that conversation. They don’t wanna do right by me but don’t want me to be with anyone who will.

[@Idle_Hands]

ask them if they want to tell you anything, how theyre feeling, listen and repeat what they said to you with understanding. Then you have to ask for the same

[@JennyReese-m3i]

Same.

[@PatriciaOwens-b4h]

I recently lost my husband of nearly 55 years. If I brought my husband a glass of water or served him a five-course meal, he always said "thank you'. Wat a gift that was to our marriage. He was a true gift from God, a kind and wonderful man.

[@dianefrank3688]

My brother who just passed away was the same. He was the caregiver for his wife who has moderate dementia. She has dropped a level since then and we are at a lost on how to help her as she thinks she can do all things and will not accept any help.

[@jibp3975]

My grandmother used to say that there is nothing better than feeling appreciated....I tend to agree!

[@richardmiseljr2413]

You'r grandmother was a smart woman.

[@frannyleyden7988]

There is no worse feeling than feeling that you are taken for granted. You are 100% correct Matthew. You must speak up as it does turn into resentment and anger. I stayed silent for years, expecting my husband to notice, in my mind how could he not see!!? I finally spoke up. He was blinded. This situation had been taken care of by other family members all his life, it seemed natural to him that I should take it on. He honestly didn't see it. Once I finally spoke up, he saw it, was very sorry and did his part. I was able to let go of years of resentment and anger. Speak up! Sometimes people truly are blinded.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

Powerful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom with the community Franny. Many relationships would improve exponentially if the people in them took your advice.

[@69razzler]

I am arriving there where you are at

[@bethanybresnen7971]

What a gift to be able to experience a mini-Matthew Kelly talk and these gems of truth whenever we want! Thank you for the food for enthusiasm, Matthew!

[@davesmietanski512]

So helpful. These videos have taken the place of coffee for me since the new year haha, gives me just the right amount of energy to get through the day. Thanks Matthew.

[@katkat2340]

So great! Take care too!!!!

[@dawnmireles2912]

Another wonderful life lesson. October 13, 2022

[@theresasimoneaux6087]

VERY well said.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

Thanks, Theresa. I am delighted this resonated with you.

[@patricekirkpatrick2297]

We should always say thank you. And always acknowledge what someone does for you daily.❤️

[@gailebsworth3453]

It is so hard to do this but I was furloughed and made redundant from my parish, I was parish secretary. My faith, I believed meant I kept to the rules of furlough. No one contacted me and I expressed my feelings to the priest especially when I was told by members of the parish that I had left them by resigning. Covid made it more impossible. Trust is what has been damaged. Faith has been kept through websites a mails from communities like your own, mass on line, and a true love for God that grows through his relationship with me. We need to encourage that personal relationship as a way forward.

[@rosemarymaher6726]

Thank you. I agree about transparency and being specific about communication.I agree about showing people your appreciation.However,I have recently discovered the Litany of Humility.I now feel I should accept being overlooked etc.instead of looking for appreciation, or a round of applause for what I do! I can offer up what I have done.Just keep quiet about being overlooked and taken for granted.. I can also remind myself what the Jesuits taught my kids…..Do everything AMDG….for the greater glory of God and LDS…Laus Deo .Semper .Praise God always.. Enjoying your videos. Thank you again!

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

I get that but remember people who really love you may not know how they are affecting you and you would want to know

[@d.watson5412]

I get your point on that and having gone to Catholic school I remember that being drilled into us. But I also know we are human and constantly striving for sainthood (and offering everything up is indeed striving for sainthood) is a rough way to treat yourself.

[@jimondrus7987]

Thank you for the wisdom Matthew. Simple, direct and impactful insights on appreciation.

[@colleenoconnell9029]

This has been my favorite, most-I've-learned-from video I've watched of Matthew Kelly's. Thank you.

[@cmbreed8772]

This has been a huge struggle for me in my home as of recent. I have not been able to address it well and avoid a fight. These tips are helpful as I have been very disheartened and sad.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

I am delighted this served you, @CMB Reed.

[@ritaturner9906]

The workplace has become so toxic. So many clicks, networking, brown nosing, playing the game, popularity contests, if you aren’t the office favorite or a golden child of the boss, your peers don’t give you the time of day nor respect you. Each individual is only out for their own career or own needs. Even the good ones are so easily manipulated. You can’t speak up in an office environment because you are looked at as a complainer and only wanting attention.

[@julieelizabeth4856]

I've worked in several offices (with mostly other women) over the years. The environment is like perpetual junior high school.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Nepotism, cronyism. Just nonsense

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

@@julieelizabeth4856among men too. Sad we can’t lift each other up

[@nancyalger]

Thank you for your suggestion of being specific when you tell someone you appreciate them rather than telling them you appreciate all they do. I am guilty of doing that!

[@topteen5318]

Stop defending these ungrateful people

[@barbaragoetzman703]

This is difficult to do . I guess concern that the other person won't respond well. Trying the distance now , to see if it helps.Appreciate the suggestions .

[@richardmiseljr2413]

35 year sexless marriage... I have not felt appreciated in 35 years. I'm 60 years old I have NEVER felt appreciated.!

[@galawhites5499]

What are you waiting for then? Leave him and let him wallow in misery. Think of your beautiful talents and do something with them. YOUR LIFE MATTERS.

[@d.watson5412]

This is very timely for me. I notieced that he doesn't say that the person who seems not to appreciate us needs to show us they do in the way we think we need it to be shown. I don't know why I assumed that in order to show me that I'm appreciated they need to show me in a way that I need it to be shown (such as more affection for example). So I see now how I need to handle this and that I shouldn't expect their appreciation only counts if they give me what I think I need. Thank you Mr Kelly.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

You’re welcome. Have a great week.

[@44esta44]

Gosh that was so good! I try to do that but boy do I slip! Thanks, Matthew.

[@paulapatino4834]

Thank you. When I speak up, people say I'm wrong.

[@loveinautumn3978]

It may be lack of wisdom too

[@grammie8190]

The older I get the more I feel this way! I remember my Dad was this way the older he got!! My brothers and I always gave him attention especially after our Mother died. He died 10 months later

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

I am glad this resonated with you.

[@jimondrus7987]

Great to review this video, Matthew and to personally re-examine the wisdom behind feeling appreciated. Thank you.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

Very welcome, Jim.

[@MichaelSkinner-e9j]

I loved helping my siblings and my nieces through the years, but in the end… I see they don’t care. And it’s horrifying after 20 years. I was blind, and my friends tried to warn me . But I was doing what my mother had always done- Help. She was selfless. My mother always gave good advice and she was very much a family sage, but after her death and events afterward, I feel bereft. Exploited. Unappreciated. Like all that time to them was… worthless. Even after her death, sometimes I sense what she might say afterward, if she could see, I just see her weeping. So Much Time. It’s enough to make you numb. She was home. And you end up pouring over everything in your mind, trying to distill it. As a Whole. As each part.

[@nedraencelewski4400]

My two relationships were both with narcissists. They both met all 9 criteria and it was horrifying being in the relationships. The second one was much worse because they were a covert narcissist. This caused a great deal of pain for my children. He used my disease to abuse us, isolating us and constant attacks to our self esteem. The abuse is so very real and damaging.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Read anything by Sam vaknin. Learn as much as you can about the illness. You are in these relationships because they are familiar

[@dianefrank3688]

I am lucky as I have always been a behind the scene person avoiding the limelight. Therefore I always help even though I never get appreciated.

[@galawhites5499]

Yes, but when you tell them and they still treat you like poop, you should leave them to their own misery. Making someone invisible is a form of abuse.

[@jaimes-gx8co]

Anytime I bring it up its a fight and she tells me 2 leave the family home for weeks at a time without contact with my kids😢

[@joannadavignon1608]

I shared a photo of a tablecloth I hand embroidered; my sister compared it to those that kids color on. That still stings

[@lynnesanchez4551]

Appreciation is so important- thanks for the reminder

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

Joy is the fruit of appreciation

[@ZxZAnimations]

What about ur mom……..

[@ritaneville4499]

My son is a narcissist. He is almost 44. Boundaries and distance. For my own health I have to have this even though he chooses to not speak to me, that is until he needs something again.

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

I'm praying for you and your son.

[@ritaneville4499]

Thank you and God Bless for your concern and prayers

[@alicyr9631]

"Another mistake we are in danger of making when we don’t feel appreciated is to focus on those feelings and forget to express our appreciation for others", yes!!

[@berties34]

Useless

[@denisechittle4772]

Wish your voice was stronger. It seems soft.

[@69razzler]

Every day work home by my kids and husband feel like just taking the bus to no where and never come back No trace 😢

[@galawhites5499]

Do it. Don’t waste YOUR life. YOUR life matters.

I feel like that towards both men and especially women outside and especially inside of my family especially immediate family and parents

[@MatthewKellyAuthor]

I hope that by becoming aware of this, Michele, you can change this situation in your life.