What to Leave Out For God on Christmas Eve

[@Silburific]

Actually, cooked chicken bones are bad for angels. They shatter easily and can lodge in their throats, preventing the high chorus from singing His heavenly praises. Not to mention the vet bills...

[@Somethingelse506]

It’s the onion bro, its all jokes

[@Suamere]

​@@Somethingelse506 I agree. Silburific needs to stop spittin' dem facts.

[@wanajday]

Loved your angel/ dog/ reindeer comment. Happy holidays!

[@masteryoda394]

I think God pays his vet, he's probably doing it to stay out of hell 😅😅😅

[@averycheesypotato]

But he can just make new angels?

[@alanbudde8560]

When in doubt, god always appreciates the sacrifice of your firstborn.

[@dimlightbulb10]

Don't forget that God is a timeless being, so he might show up like a drunk uncle a month after the holidays. Be sure to prep your firstborn months in advance.

[@koolaid33]

On boxing day I always go out to my local goat farmer and buy a goat, and for the following 363 days I take care of it, then on Christmas Eve I butcher it and leave the uncooked, bleeding meat out for God! He always leaves a note written in blood on my coffee table that says "THANK YOU" 🤗

[@geraniaceae4470]

Yes, best to store it in a deep, stand-alone freezer

[@adam145]

Does it have to be mine? That would take too much time to set up.

[@RoyBattyLives]

😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏

[@danlowe8684]

It's tough shopping for the man that created everything.

[@CombatMosquitoTrainer]

The address of the kid down the road with leukaemia comes to mind

[@thenaturalmidsouth9536]

He's already got everything....

[@TBJ1118]

​@@thenaturalmidsouth9536yet apparently needs our money

[@illzn06]

Nope, he didn't create everything. Anti slavery laws were created by mortal humans, his books promote slavery.

[@moussegarbonzo8352]

He didn’t create masturbation though. That was a creation of Lucifer. You can give God masturbation for Christmas!

[@creator-link]

Yay she’s back , loved her simple One Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner!

[@Myhouseiscurrentlyburningdown]

And when she degraded us because we couldn't make an omlette

[@captainblacksand8484]

Drywall muffins for kids with Pica was always my favorite recipe

[@boscoalbertbaracus1362]

Yea, used to be funny. Dunno when they lost the plot

[@toasterdotpng]

​@boscoalbertbaracus1362 lost the plot????? do you know what you're watching? this is the news, dangit!

[@AbubakarAlmultani]

The crazily optimistic christian smile is on point.

[@Obaratuyaayaa]

😂😂😂

[@MagentaFaux]

I initially thought it was real just because of that

[@ryanw1433]

The more crazy the smile, the less likely one is to be swept up with the eternally damned.

[@OngoGablogian185]

When I was growing up, we always left cat food out for Jesus on Christmas Eve. No idea where it came from, but everyone did it.

[@starkiller23610]

Is this real?

[@hizzlemobizzle]

We step it up at our home and leave him a nice tin of tuna.

[@ralanham76]

For the Angels 😇

[@hizzlemobizzle]

Ok. Now it will keep me up all night wondering how my comment was so offensive it got deleted.

[@kimmettfarlston-chew]

Good Christmas for the cat

[@bigfootpart4therevengeancing]

Speaking as someone who has written several angry letters to the Coca Cola company for their continued and outrageous refusal to put frankincense and myrrh into Coca Cola during CHRISTMAS WHILE STILL HAVING THE NERVE TO TALK ABOUT HOLIDAY SPICE, this speaks to me. MARANATHA!!!

[@thomasw.5344]

I couldn't care less as long as they still put cocaine in it though

[@ClearGalaxies]

I think it would be seen in poor taste.

[@bigfootpart4therevengeancing]

@@ClearGalaxies DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE COST OF FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH IS RIGHT NOW??? "POOR TASTE" MY ASS!!!!

[@LB_whoa]

"Three Wise Men's Coke" Except where would the gold go?

[@bigfootpart4therevengeancing]

@LB_whoa Gold is not a spice.

[@TokaTola]

Sometimes when times are tough, the food we leave out for the reindeer we thin it with sawdust.

[@benjaminmyers5299]

We left out the chicken manure we feed to the cows...

[@ClearGalaxies]

They don't know the difference

[@Ntyuask]

@TokaTola , So it's just like the grated Parmesan cheese from Kraft!

[@Ilikebeenz123]

The Onion is the gift that keeps on giving

[@ryvyr]

Plus they now own Info Wars :>

[@Speedofsound9]

I usually leave out coupons for all you can eat seafood

[@Tao_Tology]

"He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake. He can drag your soul down to fire-y hell, so be good for God-ness sake." 🎶

[@markh.6687]

ROFLMAO!!

[@aidanwansbrough7495]

I'm going to be that annoying Christian that misses the joke, but it's not about trying to "be good for goodness sake". The whole point is that humanity is pretty messed up, and doesn't need another person telling them "be good or else", they need someone to rescue them from themselves to transform them. Christmas is where the Being who created the Universe humbles Himself and enters the world He created to rescue anyone who turns to Him for help. It's actually a beautiful story - it's worth at least considering the evidence for whether or not it might be true. Merry Christmas :)

[@tomrogers9467]

@@aidanwansbrough7495. Congratulations. You just won the “Annoying Christian” of the week. Go bow at tRump’s feet, your new Jesus!

[@jtbDDOepMNNVIpk]

Bravo

[@kingoffire105]

​@@aidanwansbrough7495 Amen

[@Narokkurai]

Instructions unclear. I accidentally left out a plate of nails, thorned holly branches, and lamb's blood in a cruel mockery of his son's crucifixion. I'm so embarrassed, I hope he's not mad.

[@markh.6687]

You're going straight down to the very bottom. All the way down. To the boiler room of Hades.

[@biggusdickus8452]

Nah, I think you NAILED the symbolism pretty well.

[@ryanw1433]

He’s always mad

[@kingoffire105]

​@@ryanw1433 I disagree

[@InigoMontoya-]

I am sick and tired of fictional characters being crammed down our throats at Christmas. This is the season for Santa and Santa ONLY!

[@tomrogers9467]

Santa ALWAYS left me gifts at Xmas. The other guy left squat.

[@jan_Masewin]

This is the real war on Christmas!

[@Myhouseiscurrentlyburningdown]

Santaus

[@paleomagicksr.9880]

🤔Well, 'tis the season for sarcasm, too, methinks...🤭

[@vanillabean7832]

@@jan_MasewinSo true 😔

[@broadwaybaby348]

This is Laura Stuart Obenauf and she has her own KZbin Channel.❤

[@garrettmckuin7294]

This lady has great crazy eyes

[@yahord]

Is it weird that it's kind of hot?

[@markh.6687]

@@yahord Not at all!

[@garrettmckuin7294]

@@yahord I’m right there with ya brother. Merry Christmas indeed!

[@Just.N0w]

I didn't even notice her EYES...😉🤣🤣

[@michaelshamman7780]

I was 11 or 12 years old when I finally learned that Jesus wasn’t real. It was Cthulhu that ate everything I left out

[@Big_Bag_of_Pus]

In his house in R'lyeh Dead Cthulhu lies hungry.

[@yzzazz]

so disrespectful. not one word about what I can leave out for my sun deity Baal

[@Tenninch]

Maybe Baal would like some fresh lemonade?

[@Suamere]

Two things: 1. She IS talking about Baal. That's the Canaanite god the small Jewish tribe stole and renamed. 2. He's a Storm god, not a sun god. If anything else, a war god. The Egyptians are the ones with a sun god

[@urgardista]

Much easier with Chaos God Khorne! You just spill blood, lots of it, HE doesn't care where the BLOOD came from just it's flowing!

[@7change7]

@@Suamere And obviously i believe you because you were there thousands of years ago when the Jews kidnapped God in their ford transit and forced him to change his identity.

[@7change7]

@@Suamere Jesus Jesus Jesus JEEEEEEEEEEESUSSSSSSS

[@EayuProuxm]

I always love seeing the woman responsible for me going for therapy via cooking lessons giving more cooking tips.

[@L4uR3Nification]

Oh, my GOD, this is why ive experienced so much misfortune! I didnt know! 🙏🏾😭🙏🏾

[@quaktoons331]

That's surprising. I always thought God exclusively liked sheep. Both as followers and food. I always forget about the angles, but they actually prefer bone marrow broth and not just bones. But if you must, then burnt bones will do(2-10 Y.O.).

[@marcomoreno6748]

Makes a lot of sense why he wants everyone to "live forever" and go to "heaven" in the first place 😋🍴

[@djk1288]

This is just a shame, Onion. We all know plain as day that SANTA is the REASON for the SEASON. America has taken corporate manufactured joy out of what remains of its soul, and put in "God" in its place. Just sickening nowadays. Whenever I buy anything for my family at any time of year, I always need to wrap it up in a gift box and explain to them that Santa, in all his kindness and generosity, has graced us with his gifts. That this is what HE wants for us. Presents? Groceries? Toilet paper? In the gift box. Such a shame Santamas has fallen so far from its true meaning in the 2020's.

[@Tao_Tology]

Ikr? Thanks, liberals.

[@DanMurphy-w3m]

Right on ! Keep christ out of Xmas !

[@astral_haze]

be careful not to upset them with an improper offering or the ground may open up and swallow you into sheol

[@tonyhupp2379]

God loves a good smoked brisket, a pleasing aroma rising up to the Lord

[@broadwaybaby348]

When I was little we left out my German Shepherd's dog biscuits for the reindeer, and sugar cookies for Santa. The shock one Christmas when the dog treats were gone and the cookies were still there. 😂

[@basilisks]

Some weed for god, because he was a chill enough guy to give it to us

[@ClearGalaxies]

Heck yeah bro 🍃

[@Kdkdleeme]

I saw the thumbnail and was wondering where my algorithm went wrong.. reluctantly I clicked the video to hit do not recommend, then saw the channel where it all made sense lol

[@iotaeta-pi2770]

I left a handful of M&Ms for Jesus once. They ended up all over the floor!

[@larissatom6910]

Everyone knows Jesus can’t have m&ms 😂😂😂

[@UnderAvg]

JILLIAN HESS IS BACK OMFGGGG

[@logical_alfa_king]

I prefer to offer my youngest child, to show my appreciation for all the blessings and ensure a great harvest 🎉

[@komoriaimi]

I like to leave ancient, magic artifacts out for God along with some sardines with pretzels.

[@sanseijedi]

Coached my boys: single malt whisky & homemade shortbread. Don't for get a carrot for reindeer!

[@ClearGalaxies]

Good boys

[@paulcooper8818]

Don't forget stacks of cash

[@kellywalker1664]

I thought guys like Joel Osteen had that part covered. Well, damn...

[@markh.6687]

@@kellywalker1664 OUCH! Right in the Collection Plate!

[@mipmipmipmipmip-v5x]

Is that a tax deductible expense

[@Oreganoothyme]

Listen to your church leaders people, God wants your money. Even if it's your last penny give it to him, and by him they mean them

[@comradesteve1990]

A sacrifice unto God is a broken spirit, a heart that is broken and humble thou shall not despise

[@mipmipmipmipmip-v5x]

I tried that, but God said it was hard to digest

[@ClarencegHamm]

I think you might not have sexually prepped it correctly

[@sandyman3070]

She’s absolutely nailing the crazy eyes lmao, give her a raise

[@gregbillman42]

God is love...or else!

[@lendial]

finally some wholesome American content

[@RyanMathews-ld7hi]

So happy to finally have confirmation that its GOD sneaking into my room and asking wild things of me. They kept saying they were very important and id better do what they say so i never hesitate.

[@ClarencegHamm]

I believe the Pope visited you

[@polocatfan]

I always left out 7 sheep carcusses. good to know what he actually likes.

[@Johan-vk5yd]

Properly barbequed into a smoking heap of charcoal?.

[@Vincent-n7o]

Carcusses or carci? Asking for a friend.

[@kidkique]

merry christmas everyone !

[@larissatom6910]

For God, nothing less than a perfect one pot, six pan, 17 wok, 25 baking sheet dinner will do.

[@zero11010]

Bones for his angels? That killed me! Too funny. 🤣

[@VeryPteri]

Damn, what's her name tho 👀

[@broadwaybaby348]

Laura Stuart Obenauf, on KZbin and Instagram.❤

[@markh.6687]

Her name is "Yes, Mistress!" Watch her omelette video on The Onion if you want to see her showing that side of her. :)

[@thefrub]

Turning on the TV in your Utah hotel room be like...

[@cheshireket3132]

As a Pagan, tonight i get plastered in the name of Dionysus. Praise be! 🎉 and enjoy your Saturnalia!

[@newtagwhodis4535]

I would've suggested warm eggs, pickled fish, a steaming hot plate of clams and pouring out shot-for-shot, the finest, most expensive whiskey around, one for every dead saint until Santa visits you in your sleep to thank you for helping him and God deliver.

[@melioristicone333]

Love you Onion😂😂❤

[@dxtxzbunchanumbers]

"What does God need with a starship?"

[@markh.6687]

Dr. McCoy! What are you doing here of all places?

[@benm1414]

Omg she's baaaaack 😲 ✨ 🧑‍🍳 Hopefully this is a sign 2025 brings back new episodes?!

[@squeakycatdaily6182]

Sadly I only have frog legs and goat livers to offer.

[@minnesotasteve]

God here. What I want is a bottle of jack daniels.

[@EricNapoli-z3d]

Reddit moment

[@user-qg3ws8pq9o]

Well I get a being with horns but a beautiful face and pure white wings and my crosses on my walls flip and fall through

[@Blueoceandog]

Santan

[@Ashleybmakingvideos]

I’m so glad I clicked. Was worried I’d tainted my feed, but I was oh, so curious.

[@hibryd7481]

Don't know how I survived modern society before The Onion.

[@jujuthehoms5482]

So peaceful ☺️

[@Hitlo-fd2gy]

This woman is a legend, she is so beautiful and funny

[@Where_is_Waldo]

I almost clicked "don't recommend channel" because the thumbnail and title seemed like the product of a real christian channel.

[@Nikolapoleon]

There's some delicious irony in the fact that lentils were an essential food staple of the Roman army.

[@EricNapoli-z3d]

The Roman Empire adopted Christianity in the 4th century. Although, even if the Romans were always the enemy of Christianity, the Romans don't have a trademark on lentils, and this wouldn't be ironic given that Christians have been eating lentils for thousands of years.

[@kowboy702]

Angels are God’s pets… ofcourse!!

[@gamerworld-fl4mt]

no more like his respected maids

[@chrisincamera]

Dont forget a tall glass of the tears of Kids with Cancer. God cant get through a single night without that

[@scooterking136]

so thankful we have the Onion this christmas

[@Insightfill]

This woman is a national treasure. First she's teaching us how to make an omelette, and now this.

[@neon64makoto]

Ngl I thought one of the items was gonna be a baby

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

Wings for the winged!

[@CrittingOut]

The perfect 1 pot, 6 pan, 10 wok, 25 baking sheet dinner

[@nobbyfirefly57]

I’d rather leave something sweet, something to really show our appreciation, such as a photo realistic cake of the way God’s son died because we center around the death of his son for some reason.

[@elly.b]

The eyes. She has the eyes 😭

[@Temporal7Lizardo]

One of my favorites on the Onion! More cooking videos please.

[@Stinky95030]

"god" needs food...and MONEY!

[@TakeBackTheMoralOrder]

Hey lady, try not eating it all before God has a chance

[@urgardista]

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!

[@averycheesypotato]

Which god was this again?

[@gamerworld-fl4mt]

yaweh its the christan god

[@EricNapoli-z3d]

The Onion will only ever make fun of religion so long that it is a white religion. They're not going to do a bit like this about Muslims or... god forbid.....

[@leobastian_]

"Cup of Joe to keep God going" is certainly a sentence

[@ryanw1433]

The sup from the cup that keeps God up.

[@motowmotow]

What God wants God keeps

[@lightningwingdragon]

Hey, its 17 Wok lady!

[@RockChunk]

Personal question real quick: What if you warship Satan?

[@vanillatornado8390]

Good Friday would be your major holiday.

[@vanillatornado8390]

What is the name of Satan's warship? The USS 666?

[@RockChunk]

@@vanillatornado8390Thanks, just asking… for a friend

[@SheilaR.08]

I leave out nachos and Jagermeister. 😈

[@aJoats]

He'd probably retaliate with fighter planes 😉

[@GoatNerdio]

Bones for his angels is hilarious!

[@davidfitnesstech]

I leave out an offering plate with 10% of my earnings and a blood sacrifice for insurance. (Usually just a piece of raw lamb.) Thank you Jebus

[@spaceman8994]

Wait a minute, aren't offerings part of paganism and not Christianity? Hmm…

[@ImTheMexicanKing]

click on their channel, and then you'll understand.

[@SheilaR.08]

Most of our holiday celebrations steal from Pagans, and even fall on Pagan holidays like solstices and equinoxes. They have the best parties! 😂

[@RockChunk]

@@ImTheMexicanKinghopefully they won’t see their story “Fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids” before they realise it’s a very serious and intellectual news organisation that is more popular than any other news company with 3.71 trillion monthly readers

[@slavishentity6705]

Yeah but faith adapts depending on what is most profitable for the church 🙏

[@jeanaprewitt9658]

Hey, shut up and do as you're told.

[@bazzers]

Excellent work. Yasher koach.

[@ClearGalaxies]

God Bless ❤🙏

[@Mezzimo]

Happy Holidays, God!

[@CzolgoszWorkinMan]

finally someone who knows the Reason for the Season

[@morgantrias3103]

wow I had no idea the god of white americans could handle tumeric, cumin AND paprika. Very educational.

[@12oshinko]

Almost blocked the channel by reflex until I saw the Onion

[@comfibold]

She's a babe!

[@Obiter3]

God I loved this 😂

[@malenotyalc]

Don't feed chicken bones to angels, as they will choke on them. Misinformation like this led to the creation of demons.

[@nifflinNiffler]

Just know that Jesus loves you unconditionally.

[@Robertoni7]

This is “old” Onion isn’t it? *sigh*I miss old Onion.

[@dwntherabbithole9785]

the Onion actually came under new ownership earlier this year and the new stuff has been significantly better than the low effort shit posting from the last several years. Not all the new videos are winners, but I found some pretty good ones.

[@RockChunk]

I wonder what do MAGA voters leave out for Trump on Christmas-sorry X-mas (cus of Elon) Eve

[@astral_haze]

half their bank account

[@RockChunk]

@ really? Just that? Humn?

[@Arbysroastbeefjuice]

Tanning lotion

[@RockChunk]

@ 😂😂😂

[@RuthBhmand]

Schnapps and cheese sausage will be all sane people’s offerings. And a quality piece of filled chocolate (nougat truffle)

[@parsnipguy2986]

Instructions unclear, ended up feeding the slaughtered chunks of Chronos, father Zeus, who btw kept insisting it wasn’t Christmas but something he called “Saturnalia”.

[@MrBendylaw]

I'll give you 50 shekels for that dinner, but you have to bring it into the Temple so everyone can bid on it. Also, you.

[@VanVlearMusic]

Yes I love this actress from the simple one pot meal!!

[@mr.strawberry7]

In central Europe, it's actually baby Jesus that brings us the gifts, not santa so this is pretty accurate

[@Ovasiig]

Never forget: if unsure in what to leave out for god do as the Aztecs and offer blood sacrifice

[@roderickcortez138]

I'm Mexican. I leave a tamale out for God.

[@ClearGalaxies]

Only one?

[@roderickcortez138]

@@ClearGalaxies I'm broke fool.

[@TheDjbutta]

Mormon God when he sees the cappuccino: “Nope. Nope. That’s it. Everybody has dark skin now. EVERYBODY. I don’t wanna hear nothin ‘bout it. On my son’s damn birthday…”

[@devon9075]

Everyone knows you are supposed to braise pigeon on Christmas. "‘If the offering to the LORD is a burnt offering of birds, you are to offer a dove or a young pigeon. The priest shall bring it to the altar, wring off the head and burn it on the altar; its blood shall be drained out on the side of the altar. He is to remove the crop and the feathers and throw them down east of the altar where the ashes are. He shall tear it open by the wings, not dividing it completely, and then the priest shall burn it on the wood that is burning on the altar. It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the LORD."

[@thenewandrei4o94]

Is this new? If so, she hasn't aged a day in the past 10 years