When Good Intentions Give Bad Outcomes (Chill Session #84)

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[@kishinumaayumi]

I'm not a parent, but I live with my nieces and nephew since their birth for almost 4 years now if that gives any merit. I feel like in this kind of complicated issue, what we should consider is we give children the guidelines of things and then let them do it. If they make mistakes, jangan marah, but rather tell them to try again while also hinting at clues. Until they get it. If they get obviously frustrated by ut, we shouldn't continue to push through because it can build resentment to the action/challenges in general. I personally as a kid was kind of over protected in a sense like everything I do kena surub and if I do something out of line, kena marah or kena larang and it kind of limited my exploration and I am the type who NEEDS to do it my way or else I might not do it at all. Because that's how my brain works, I have to have my own say on how I conduct things like everyone else but my way is non conventional. I am most likely neurotypical, I have traits of ADHD in shaa Allah I can find a way to get diagnosed after covid is done and my local hospital isnt overwhelmed. But yea tulah, sometimws we think we are protecting or guiding yet sebenarnya we are imposing. I also developped anxiety because as a child I wasn't allowed as much autonomy as I wanted. I was emotionally mature early and wanted to make my(bad) decisions earlier on. Constantly being told no made me believe I should just stop or I am doing somethign wrong constantly. My parents are wonderful people, but they have a different perspective on life and when it gets imposed on me, it limited my growth, like you said. I think , at least in my experience what works best for people like me and my friends who grew up like me is that we shoukd be given an idea but when it comes to actually doing it, it should be done by ourselves first. And it has to be at a young age because if you start telling them to do things on their own when they are oldee, it's too late and just often leads to public humiliation.. and then whenever they do wrong, assure them, be supportive and tell them hey it's okay, you don't have to do anything right the first time, having multiply tries is a good thing. And I think that's something parents forget a lot. Tell your kids it's okay not to do things right the first time. You don't need a limit of times until you get things right. You just need to try until you get it and no matter how many tries it takes, it's okay! I also think parents always forget about neurodivergent children or rather they think it's something they can help/manipulate. Kids born ND like kids with ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder have a different brain, your ways do not work on them and punishing them will do nothing. It's like someone with a blue brain telling someone not to have a red brain. You can never change it but you can help them cope with the world that is different from them, a purple brain, I liwk to call it.. I think people in general but parents especially should be taught about neurodivergency. And people need to stop thinking adults can't be ND. Again, your brain is built different from birth, you can't change it but you can cope with it better with time. People should stop obsessing over the "cure". There is no sickness to be cured, just a challenge to cope with.