Why Empathy Matters More Than Ever

In today's video, we learn why empathy matters more than ever and explore how embracing it can positively impact your life.
Check out Dr. K's Guide To Mental Health: bit.ly/4cuwD1H
Not sure where to start? Take our guide module quiz: bit.ly/3QVbyVA
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @healthygamergg
▼ Timestamps ▼
────────────
00:00 - Introduction
05:34 - Evolutionary Compassion
10:03 - Romantic relationships
15:21 - Professional relationships
19:12 - Emotional contagion
23:31 - How do we execute on this?
32:27 - Conclusion
────────────
Learn more about the research that goes into making our videos:
explore.healthygamer.gg/citat...
Find us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and more here: wlo.link/@healthygamer
DISCLAIMER
Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counselling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.
All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

[@saulromo4977]

Boosting someone's seratonin just by being nice and listening is literally a life hack

[@sandenium]

People who use literally in most sentences are literally the least happiest

[@Jack-fw7wd]

no u​@@sandenium

[@averyintelligence]

@@sandenium literally thats you projecting your own magical thinking

[@highpraise-highcritic]

@@sandeniumYou've used it twice. OP used it once. Do you need a hug?

[@B.Whittaker]

Sad that this is a ‘life-hack’ instead of something people just *do*

[@ramjam7]

BABE WAKE UP MY tHERAPIST JUST POSTED

[@BE_TRUE_BE_YOU]

Bwhahahahahahshshsh this vid and this comment is my life

[@logancummings702]

@@ramjam7 most accurate comment ever posted

[@KxNOxUTA]

Remember, educational purpose only. Don't ruin it by getting his licensed revoked 😂

[@DanielAusMV-op9mi]

World Happiness always spikes at that time, no matter the timezone ^^

[@aleaf355]

Then you realize you don't have someone to call BABE!

[@Ludawig]

Let's be clear too, you can still have a great amount of empathy while holding people accountable. Empathy isn't some "step all over me because I have compassion" bs, it's literally a vein of social cohesion.

[@Vampress09]

Sometimes kindness is letting people face consequences.

[@kairostimeYT]

Just don't constantly step on others to get an edge on others. You don't have to get stepped over. Think of Goku from the original Dragon Ball series (in Z, it is just not that well pronounced, as the objective is more grandiose compared to anything we can do in our daily lives; so not so relatable).

[@LouisSaver2012]

There should always be a balance, empathy could help us give some helpful thoughts to someone's situation, but if they don't respect that and didn't even try to listen, just let them. It's not our responsibility to make someone "fix" themselves.

[@nerfherder1398]

That's why we set boundaries and why we have to enforce them!

[@Dubulcle]

Not really

[@XenIsWhen]

Our culture seems to look at empathy as a weakness, and this attitude permeates in everything around us. It's an us vs. them mentality that leads people into doing what they otherwise wouldn't.

[@matthewgilfus1640]

It's a weakness because there are too many people out there who will take advantage of your empathy. They're called "your boss at work".

[@XenIsWhen]

@@matthewgilfus1640 I didn't say you had to empathize with everybody.

[@uuu12343]

In Asia, if you are empathetic (apparently), you can get burned even at home

[@gilangndExp]

EXACTLY, I was veryyy confused when I was acting or try to be emphaty to others and their response is like looking us as trying to get advantage and even disgust?

[@DeadVoxel]

Exactly. That's so saddening. Empathy and kindness are the best qualities we, as humans, possess. Yet for some reason people look down upon it and choose to be a-holes instead. I get having your guard up, but not to the point of acting hostile towards everyone around without an ounce of empathy. The world would've been so much brighter if we normalized empathy, and if we changed that polluted mindset of it being a "weakness" It's only considered a weakness because people around are cruel, therefore the mindset of "survival of the fittest" dominates, and empathy is generally seen as not strong enough to survive in this world. It's ridiculous

[@FunBotan]

I was extremely empathic as a kid and was relentlessly bullied for it for 15 years straight (from preschool til uni). So my brain learned not to show it, and now everyone sees me as cold and indifferent, although the feels are still there internally. Starting the HG trauma guide soon, wish me luck...

[@flowerbloom5782]

I feel you dude. I’m rooting for you cause empathy and kindness is a tool that a lot of people are not using to just look tough. You can do this.

[@termitreter6545]

Would recommend therapy if possible. Thats exactly what its there for; the trauma guide is good as support or if you cant get a therapist, but real therapy is better.

[@khtiderem7112]

Good luck! You can do it :)

[@Dubulcle]

​@@flowerbloom5782 Definitely not a tool.

[@SiliconChimera]

If there's some level of concern that empathy is "weak", from your own mind or judgements from others, try envisioning big Braum energy (or a physically and mentally buff Santa Claus). Practice verbalizing and/or expressing empathy one person at a time to rewire your brain to not see it as a dangerous action. Similarly, if someone snickers or is cruel in response, that's a problem of their own they've neglected. Over time, any negative reaction to your empathy will diminish whatever power it previously had over you.

[@Calico_heart11]

Empathy while also pushing for accountability. I empathize with my abuser because he was once an abuse victim himself. But I will not let him back into my life. Both too much and too little empathy are very dangerous… I think the world would be way better off without so much black and white thinking when it comes to empathy

[@dylanm8615]

17:48 . At this point in the video, Dr. K announces that good leaders care about the people under them. The reality is that the best leaders lead from the bottom rather than the top. The best leaders care about the individual and how they grow rather than their immediate performance because once workers feel as though they are intrinsically cared for, they will never fear "messing up": you can't mess up being yourself. The best leaders are highly empathetic because they acknowledge that the people are the source of the product, and societies would be nothing without the people working underneath.

[@Totsy30]

This one is huge. I’ve personally seen this when I worked in handyman work. My boss said he would never tell us to do something he wouldn’t do and he meant it. He admitted to being afraid of ladders and roofs, but he’d go up them anyway to show how to do things. He’s a super hardworking dude, not flawless, but definitely a good boss who cared for his workers and the kind of boss you’d feel bad to disappoint.

[@Jazzmaster1992]

I think some evidence of how selfish and individualistic society is becoming, is when you show someone basic kindness they might get attached really quickly. There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them in a way they've never experienced, as we also unfortunately seem to socialize people not to be all that considerate of other human beings outside of immediate family or romantic relationships. I'm really trying to work on seeing the human in others and not taking anything personally, while I simultaneously look to connect authentically with them. It can be really tough, when it seems like everyone is working two jobs while doing classes or something on the side, and basically don't have the time or energy to really focus on relationship building. As much as I want to retreat into myself and focus only on myself once I perceive myself to be at all "rejected", I just feel like that's not the way to go about it all the time.

[@KxNOxUTA]

All in good measure. The external strains are very very real. I personally consider it the effect of sexism. For sexism has disregarded internal and social processes compared to e.g. external and self-centered pursues. Even when all of them are necessary. So we do not consider the costs of internal and social processes and that these must be e.g. covered when we discuss labour. People must receive enough income AND time AND energy reserved for private matters so they could attend to their health and attend to society properly. It is true that it takes a base level of resources for people to do well. If we're deprived of that minimum, we start to break down and get less and less effective at maintaining a healthy and content baseline. It's OK to acknowledge that there are things you can address as an individual and that there are things we can only resolve as community.

[@asianman1441]

Dang, I actually fit that trope

[@sunshinegirl2015]

this is such a good point and I've been on both sides of that trope.

[@Straga_Severa_]

> There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them You are right. For a man being treated nice by a woman is such a rare experience that they can become imprinted on that. But for a woman it is such a common experience that you will be just another "nice guy" to her - and it shows that the modern propaganda demonizes the concept of a "nice guy" by claiming that "they are not nice" - almost like claiming that white is black.

[@Charles-sg9zu]

Being selfish and being individualistic are two different things. You can be individualistic and very empathetic at the same time. Especially in a world where many people become narcissistic, being an empath is the odd one out.

[@jennosyde709]

I think a lot of people underestimate just how much influence the car culture in places like America can severely impact community building and interpersonal relationships. Many people struggle to spend time in person with friends, since places to hang out are often far away or inaccessible by massive highways. This is especially difficult for youth who are not old enough to get a driver's license or experienced enough to be comfortable driving in some areas. Cities and suburbs broadly are often not constructed in a manner which facilitate in-person interactions; they are mostly designed for consumerism. It is just one facet of people's disconnect from others in today's society, but I think it is one that does not get discussed nearly enough.

[@Tight_Conduct]

I hear things are different in the EU where there is a highly developed transit, more personal architecture, etc. Would love to see some studies about this.

[@jennosyde709]

@@Tight_Conduct For sure, it will be nice to see future research on this. Of course, there are some factors to consider within these studies, since geographical conditions can also affect mental health. Many European countries have great walkability in their cities, though their distance from the equator can lead to higher levels of seasonal depression and Vitamin D deficiency -- especially towards Winter.

[@-lord1754]

Ill add on to this and say growing up if i wanted to go places and couldnt cause of the things you listed, my parents would elicit an annoyed response because they are busy and dont want to take 30 minutes to drive me to a friends place

[@mylesprospero8105]

I agree so much. From where I live, to do activities like dancing, hangouts, or volleyball I always had to transit for an hour and then an hour back going home. At the same time I don't want to buy a car and make myself slave away to pay gas and insurances when money and time is limited. I'd rather save up and move out to downtown area

[@missylks1239]

Dude, I can't even get a driver's license because of medical issues. My extracurriculars and socials are limited to the public transit schedule but I've made some good friends through carpool agreements. Carpool with the same person to work training for 2 weeks and start to make connections.

[@SalvationCode]

I truly believe in kindness & empathy without expecting or requiring an ounce of personal benefit. Beyond the simple fact that it *makes you and the person on the receiving end feel good.* It means something. Something so incredibly human and core to our state of being. I was fortunate enough to be raised to embrace & intuit empathy from a young age, but I understand not everyone, especially growing up on the internet we have today, is so lucky. There is so much isolationism and encouraged narcissism online, and in the world in general, like you said. Pushing back in the opposite direction feels necessary, it feels needed. Thank you for these videos, and bless you for helping put more goodness out into the world.

[@forgetmenope1183]

@@SalvationCode you put that so well! Love ya bro

[@llIlIlllII]

Empathy doesn't always feel good to give, though. If your own social needs haven't been met for many years, you may have nothing left to give. And then people take from you the little you tried to give in the hopes of being understood and tried with, in return. If people want to call that selfish, newsflash: it's not empathy to label this as such. I treat people with empathy; I sometimes talk to people I can tell are lonely. But invariably, I feel worse during and after. I feel even more alone, even though they walk away feeling better.

[@forgetmenope1183]

@@llIlIlllII If you have nothing left to give then there is nothing wrong with giving yourself time to refill. It’s like if someone asked me for help moving a fridge and I know I’m not physically strong enough to move one and could hurt myself I can absolutely say no. You have to be of sound mind and body yourself in order to help other people without expecting anything in return. Work on yourself spread positivity and others will do the same

[@francescafrancesca3554]

💛💛💛

[@Volkbrecht]

@@llIlIlllII The trick is to form connections instead of just giving. Create or join a a nexus of exchange, like a sports club or a hobby circle. Giving tidbits of emotion here and there is, as you have realized, not sustainable, it drains you without a return on your investment. Governments in Europe are currently beginning to realize the consequences of the "loneliness epidemic", and are starting to take measures against it in the form of social groups. But each and every one of us has to realize that we still need to take ourselves to these places. It's not on you to make someone else connect to feel better. But we all can help to create places and situations in which it becomes easier. Now all I need to do is live by my own advice...

[@davidkonig6433]

ooo, I actually felt an answer for this for years: Real empathy, the one which grants you health benefits and all the benefits tbh, comes from a place of emotional wealth, not from desperation, when a thought that you're not enough makes you behave empathic... That is why it is so hard to achieve, because in order to be empathic this way, you have to be the persona that is emotionally stable for not only that period of time, when it's action time, but even when you get into bed and look back on what are the things you did and acknowledge that you were ACTUALY nice for once, it sounds ridiculous, but its the scariest thing EVER for many including me, because then you'll slowly realize that you are closer to that "maxed out" persona that you kind of faked to be to make others feel good... I call it being empathic with yourself and its hard bc pretty much its cheesy lol

[@killingqueen7311]

"EMPATHY WITHOUT HONESTY IS MANUPULATION" i needed help while attending college and people who i thought were helping me were asking me to do their work as pay back, they helped me so i would owe them But one person did showed me real empathy so i learned from that and i try to follow their example

[@critter_paws]

I enjoy- "I've extremely empathetic" "I've been having a panic attack and you haven't noticed, I need a moment to breathe" .... Continues talking about whatever I initially interrupted bc of panic attack ....

[@RookieREX]

what is manipulation with honesty, like. "hey im gonna try use persuasive language/ try pressure you into eating a healthy meal just so you're aware." is that just stating your conflict of interest?

[@critter_paws]

@@RookieREX I think they are referring to something like a covert contact

[@critter_paws]

Contract*

[@critter_paws]

Just my interpretation. My mom is the worst about that. She will insist on helping with something. Latest ex. was with a nephew. He was buying a used starter for his car, she INSISTED that she was going to buy him a new one. He's been doing whatever her current whim is since then. Build a fence, paint a door, do the yard, "where are you going? I wanted you to _____(whatever) today" It becomes a control tactic. A small Christmas present that cost $20 and doesn't even fit will cost you BIG time at some point. Maybe even a few years later. It's like she makes sick soul contracts with out even getting you to accept first. Just guilt and shame, that's the language she speaks.

[@zenkatsuya3843]

This actually makes sense! People who can empathize are able to see versions of themselves in others. Their life transcends their fragile physical existence. That's why they feel less stressed, worried, and etc. Because they're seeing that life is not a competition but a teamwork!

[@damson9470]

Life is both. And that's okay

[@ClassyJohn]

This video was not made for someone like me. I've been OVERWHELMING empathetic towards others and been overly selfless throughout my life. The result is that I am a damaged human being. I have C-PTSD, depression (MDD), generalized anxiety. I was abused as a kid. I am not doing well today as a 32 Y/O man. I am trying to figure out how to fix my issues and my life. I am trying to figure out how to improve my mental health. All of these things are stuff i have to do alone because it seems that other people do not care enough to want to help me. I'm genuinely sorry but I don't think I should be more empathetic in my situation. I think i owe it to myself to work on my own issues instead of wasting my energy being empathetic towards others. All this looks like is that I express empathy for other people's situations but I do not put any additional effort/energy into their situations as I keep in mind that it is their situation to fix, not mine.

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

Perhaps you need to focus on being more empathetic towards yourself.

[@ClassyJohn]

@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 i think you are right. I am not empathetic towards myself at all and its causing a lot of issues.

[@alexmetaxotos1445]

@@ClassyJohn i know im in no place to talk considering what youve been through, but i wanted to point out that the video talks about empathy helping you, not necessarily helping others. So when saying being empathetic towards others is a waste of energy, i dont see it that way when it helps you. then again you said the videos not for you and dr k even said at the end he doesnt know if itll work. at the end of the day, all you can do is your best

[@Sarah-iq3sc]

have you watch the video carefully? The video talks about this, about to be careful of being too emphatetic because it may will lead you to being used by others. There's still boundaries in being emphatetic, and that is to not fully involve yourself in other people's problem. Because when you take other people's problem for yourself, that person will stop trying to solve their own problem, it should be encouraging that person to solve their own problem, not taking their problems but yeah I don't know about your problem and what kind of emphaty you have been doing, but my point is, the video does not talk only about the positive side of emphaty

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

@@Sarah-iq3sc I understand where he is coming from though, because I lived like that as well. The video is geared towards cultivating empathy when you are used to mostly focus on yourself and your own pov. It's for more, shall we say, "casually self-centered" people (not malignant narcissists I mean). For those of us who had any kind of sense of (healthy) ego wiped out in childhood, of course the video is still useful*, but I understand being left more like "ok? I've been on this path my whole life. Where are my mental health benefits though?" * If only to curtail the danger of steering too much towards the other side, that of spiteful selfishness.

[@UncutWarrior23]

God I love Doctor K 😂 "I don't know if that needs to be edited it..." LOL

[@OfficialViper]

I still can't believe that we're getting all this advice for free. Thank you so much, Dr. K!

[@zonealone5487]

I feel bad for having so much empathy and not getting any back, it sucks.

[@AskConner]

If you care for others with the expectation of anything in return other than making them feel better, then you will be very disappointed. Let me add that if those you give your empathy and energy to don’t return any, then you aren’t obligated to continue giving them any more of your time and energy. Sometimes it’s better to find a better social circle. Empathy is important, but it needs strong boundaries to remain healthy.

[@zonealone5487]

@@AskConner You're right, I need a better way of motivation

[@lancerthecancer848]

@@zonealone5487 Do things as you going to die tomorrow.And you don't need motivation or something, you need to change your way of thinking for that you need to understand yourself.Treat others like how you want to be treated so at least you can act respectfull(Bare minimum).

[@radicalness9105]

@@zonealone5487 Don't expect anything back because that is selfish Do it because you care and then stop and save some empathy for yourself. imo

[@KxNOxUTA]

​@@AskConner You are mistaking "disappointed expectation" and "expressing grief over not being safe with people like they are with you, as a social being". It's energy intensive. Not because it is by default but because the loop isn't working like it's supposed to. It's ignorant to pretend that individuals can thrive in society by being completely self-sufficient. It's like criticising that a person takes the time to feed others when they are too sick to do it, to find themselves starved when they are too sick to feed themselves while ill. And to then tell them that their attitude is the problem instead of stepping up to YOUR responsibility to be the one to show empathy towards a person in need of support. You just went and "did the thing" of failing to provide emotionally. Taking a person who expresses a need for a safe space and suggesting they aren't safe to rely on others, starting with you. 🫣 You yourself literally make a difference in how hard it is for OP to maintain kindness. Let's do better next time and step up the empathy.

[@Rohtix]

I've always fought for empathy. I cant abandon it. Its a core part of me. I want my friends to feel heard and understood. Its so very important to me

[@damson9470]

Do u give space to yourself to be heard too?

[@Rohtix]

@@damson9470 Not as much as id like to admit

[@damson9470]

@@Rohtix that's a good place to start homie. U deserve the same love u give to others, so might aswell give it to yourself too. Love yourself enough to be able to speak up when u need to

[@Rohtix]

@@damson9470 That's one of the biggest struggles for me for sure

[@Totsy30]

Damson makes a good point. Empathy is highly important, but you must respect yourself too. It’s the people who didn’t respect themselves and got walked all over who give up on being empathetic.

[@v9b23j]

I've experienced performative empathy from friends. When I reached out to lend me an ear, they offered unsolicited advice and tried to fix me, which left them feeling overwhelmed by the perceived responsibility. Eventually, they told me to take my problems elsewhere, insisting they had given me the right tools and couldn't be responsible for my issues. Initially, I felt hurt and misunderstood because I had held space for them and offered compassion when they were distressed and emotionally disregulated, often feeling drained afterwards, but the support wasn't reciprocated. However, after watching your video, I realized they might have been experiencing emotional contagion and getting enmeshed with my feelings. Understanding this, I could empathize with their overwhelm and see that they were simply trying their best, even if it wasn't what I needed at the time. I've also noticed that people who give me unsolicited advice and try to fix me often do so from a place of either wanting to be useful, feeling needed and important, or calming their distress and anxiety, rather than genuinely caring about my needs.

[@connorking984]

You gotta understand that a lot of people don't have the experience to give nuanced advice or have that mentor personality. For that person the best help they can give is their good advice. Even if that advice isn't really what you need from a feelings perspective and especially if it's bad advice all together. But they're trying, not everyone's good at lending an ear unfortunately, me included probably, mayhaps you feel the same about this comment, not what you need.

[@KuraiKaNinja]

​@@connorking984felt. its taken me a decade of having friends younger than me who come to me to vent or sometimes explicitly for advice in order to feel confident enough in how i respond. im always up front about how much experience i actually have and how that may influence what i tell them, and thats honestly been the biggest help for understanding on both sides of the conversation. i also dont try and sugar coat anything, but im also not going to be rude or harsh. theres a fine balance. but like i said, its taken quite a while for me to gather this skill set and to feel comfortable being that mentor role. its not something that comes naturally for most folks. *especially* if youre going to someone your own age for these kinds of things. much harder to get a mature response when youre a teen or young adult going to peers your own age. not that its a bad thing, just that age range typically hasnt gathered as much experience in these interactions.

[@Straga_Severa_]

> they offered unsolicited advice Did you clearly and directly state that you don't need any advice from them? It's really hard to "listen to other person's problems" and not say things that would fix their problems. Look up the famous comedy sketch about a woman with a nail in her head, and how hard it is for a man to listen and validate her problems from having a nail in the head without "disvalidating her" by trying to help to remove the nail.

[@user-do1hk7mg5y]

Realized I've been doing this to my girlfriend. Sometimes it makes sense, "ohh you just want to went". But often I get caught up in her problems trying to help her fix them, and then get frustrated when she doesn't do as I suggest. It's not especially easy or intuitive to avoid contagion but it makes perfect sense when explained. Watched a video that also explained how it is difficult to listen. People tend to relate, criticize or give advice instead of just asking questions and trying to understand what someone is saying. Hopefully understanding this will make it easier to connect with people and help them while not getting too caught up in their problems. I've seen a lot of teachers do this effectively, it seems all university teachers are doing this now. So I wouldn't be surprised if this topic is standard into teaching curriculum's now.

[@arab6745]

Some times they just want to help and wish your problem can be solved simply so they give advice hoping that it would fix your problem and then they don't have to worry about you cause they don't have the space to.

[@vuvuong6698]

Before starting work i can feel like have empathy for people, but the longer i work the more i feel used which make it hard for me to care for people.

[@samysue10]

I try to remember to look at why the people are using me. Like maybe it’s just their job or they are worried about something and not thinking about how you feel. Then I will set a boundary and say hey I’ve got too much on my plate right now so I’m not able to do what you need me to do. Or I’m not comfortable doing this amount of work without more pay. I try to say “I” statements to make it more about a problem I’m having with it instead of blaming them for it. It disarms people and is easier to communicate what I need. Hope this helps.

[@Gustmazz]

This channel is one of the best channels in this platform. I almost never feel like people understand my thought processes in real life, and this makes me feel very isolated from everyone. But when I'm watching your videos, I often feel like "Oh, exactly! That's exactly it! He gets it!", and it's so great to see someone talk about all of these problems of our world in such a refined way. Thank you *so* much for this, Dr. K. You're literally the best

[@somanyquestions3113]

For me, being empathetic usually comes from a place of trying to understand stuff. I like to understand how complex systems work, it’s interesting, and I suppose a similar vein of mind applies to empathy. I like to understand how something in someone’s past could influence them to act a certain way towards me in the moment, and it’s hard to be mad at people or blame them when you understand that most of it isnt from malice.

[@NymphaeaDreams]

This video resonated with me. I've identified as an empath since I was a teen and have always been able to feel and take on other's emotions. I can't imagine a world that I do not have an "outside view" about everything. I attract "takers", as I call them, and it's been quite a burden trying to form friendships and end up just being used as someone's substitute therapist (not a position I volunteer for), or limerence target, or just by acknowledging their existence they assume I'm flirting. None of these things are what I want, and they cannot ever think about things from my point of view because they're so stuck in their self-inflicted fantasy that my thoughts never seem to matter. I wish it wasn't this way because it's made me so hesitant to form new friendships, especially with the opposite sex as it often ends up with guys catching one-sided feelings even when they know I'm in a committed relationship. One too many awkward friendships I have to set boundaries with is just so uncomfortable. And it's not good for them either because they never seem to understand why I have to put space between us as they're left there thinking, "why does every nice girl I meet end up hating me?" No amount of me trying to explain it helps them understand. It's just so sad.

[@damson9470]

I hate to break it to you. But an empath is basically an overly glorified highly sensitive person with a lot of trauma. I think u getting to realize this maybe one day and starting to heal the trauma will help you out tremendously with your self image and feeling 'whole'

[@jimbojimbo6873]

People confuse empathy will literal mind reading, that’s the issue. People are different, just because you do what you think would help someone based ok putting yourself in their shoes doesn’t mean they feel that way.

[@hiloknowsall7462]

@@jimbojimbo6873 people are different but people who have high cognitive but more importantly affective empathy - when listening to others problems (generally we don’t formulate / strategise / dispense “advice” when they need help) we LISTEN, FEEL, and RELATE to them because we get most all times they already know/have the answers.

[@hiloknowsall7462]

@@jimbojimbo6873 also it’s not mind reading but meeting the individual and feeling some of what they are experiencing at an affective level / emotional level.

[@dannykeeler4018]

U ever get it where thinking from someone else's prospective makes u see the line of manipulation they took why they would benefit from it and it just makes you angrier sometimes it best to think it was a mistake so it doesn't escalate

[@fredrickwheeler6852]

a big part of this is just communication. "Empathy" is considering their perspective, their situation, why they're acting the way they are, etc. You might not get concrete answers, but if you don't then you can at least try to ask. Being empathetic helps people to ask in non-antagonistic ways, so that they can better understand. Making assumptions about how someone else wants to be treated is often risky. And yeah, a lot of people who say they're "an empath" are actually awful at empathy, and just project their own issues. But even just stopping for one second to consider *that* they have their own reasons divorced of your perspective can be helpful. Seeing their viewpoint helps a lot, but just recognizing consciously that they even have their own viewpoint is often more empathy than people give these days.

[@NT-bd5hu]

​@hiloknowsall7462 I think that's a great example of how some people use their "empathy" to hype themselves up, and make it their only personality trait. But in my experience, 90% of that performative empathy is speculation and projection, and it objectifies the other side. You can't really see someone while simultaneously jerking off on how empathic you are.

[@luvyounikki]

We as humans are going to get more dependent on technology but if we continue to be dependent on social media for connection, we’re doomed.

[@transmutemineralore]

I would like to remind you that humanity has existed for a long time, and has delt with many bad situation (natural disaster, war, demoralization, etc.) We will figure out this like we've done everything else. I think with people like Dr. K we're well on our way

[@luvyounikki]

@@transmutemineralore did we truly figure out war or natural disasters however? Those still cause so much chaos and destruction in our world today

[@transmutemineralore]

@luvyounikki maybe not forever, but we're still here, aren't we? My point is we're not going extinct, and living is objectively better than it used to be (I'd rather be lonely than starving or covered in boils). We'll never be problem free, but saying we're doomed is inaccurate. There have been revolutions and reforms before, and they'll happen again.

[@phillystevesteak6982]

These technologies of the last 150 years are unprecedented in human history. There is no parallel in the past to compare the internet or planes to. I would not be so assured as you. ​@@transmutemineralore

[@demetrialeung2646]

loving how dr. k is so candid at the end lol it's so refreshing

[@OfficialArlo]

I really empathize with what Dr. K is saying in this video...

[@youwilllneverrrknowww]

@@OfficialArlo That's not exactly how empathy works lol, I feel like you meant to say acknowledge rather than empathize. Or i'm completely wrong and my comment is pointless🤝🏼

[@ThomasPaulson-ez1ym]

@@youwilllneverrrknowwwyeah you could empathize with Dr.Ks understanding of empathy and his views about society becoming less empathetic. You could understand why he feels frustrated by the decline in empathy and resonate with the reasons behind Dr.Ks need to make this video to educate the public. That’s all empathy.

[@youwilllneverrrknowww]

@@ThomasPaulson-ez1ym Makes total sense, thanks for responding buddy🤝🏼

[@connorking984]

​@@youwilllneverrrknowwwI mean, it's kind of semantics isn't it. As long as our hearts are in a good place

[@youwilllneverrrknowww]

@@connorking984 Yeah for sure!

[@menkaragamble8175]

Other people have probably already said this, but part of the reason narcsssism is increasing/empathy is decreasing is because our society is metrics oriented and atomized. While the biological benefits of empathy may be substantial, they wouldn't matter if they caused you to miss a job opportunity, get laid off, or otherwise impact your economic well-being. Simply put, the evolutionary strategies that were developed for the small scale, tribal societies that existed for 100,000s of years are incompatible with our current system of society.

[@VyPrezWolfpackMusic]

Someone once told me, "When discouraged, encourage others." Thanks Dr. K for giving me scientific evidence.

[@user-zk4dy5he2d]

Video came at the right moment. Usually im a highly (non affective) empathetic person who always shows compassion and doesnt expect anything back. But lately ive been stuck in this rabbit hole in which i just cant stop ruminating. Since im in a bad place, even cognitive empathy doesnt work well, bc even though i feel like im becoming more selfish, smth is telling me my needs arent being met anymore? People rarely check up on me and i dont feel appreciated anymore bc its hard for me to stay positive or to help someone atm. I dont want to be saved, i just wish someone was there and would think of me more often. I try to reach out but its not the same as someone checking up on me *bc they want to* . I feel conflicted on whether or not my needs arent being met or if im just being an ungrateful egoist, esp bc i also fall into the "i do everything but nobody is there for me" spiral Sry for grammar its 2:38 am lol

[@damson9470]

Nothing wrong with being selfish my guy. Sometimes it's needed in life to progress. Once you know how to love yourself to the core (u have to be able to be selfish to be able to) and be able to completely fill your own cup up to a point where it overflows, then you'll be able to really love others and fill their cups up a bit. I got u homie

[@scullyanka]

same stuff buddy, I really forgot how to feel at least anything. I hope you will be treated better as soon as possible

[@thisdoodo5957]

I think doctor k is actually watching me at this point.. couldn’t be a better timing. I just went trough a breakup because my girlfriend only talked about herself. I loved listening to her stories because i cared about her deeply, thought of her every moment of the day. Only to realise that she never cared about my feelings,never even asked about them, and talked about me as if i was an object behind my back. Even to my own friends😀My kindness was taken advantage of and the worst thing is that i will never understand how people could be this way

[@lemmings6516]

i wish you healing :) please dont loose trust in women, we need men like you!

[@thisdoodo5957]

@@lemmings6516 I won’t, I know most people, men and women, aren’t like this.. i just have to be more careful before trusting a girl in the future!(:

[@grexpex1807]

No way this man just said goon cave

[@thatgamingauthor]

Oh my gosh, that freaking ending. XD Honestly, even just the education from this video is incredibly valuable! I've always been on the highly sensitive side; I take on other people's emotions as my own, and it's absolutely devastated me in the past, sometimes even leaving me feeling so incredibly drained for weeks on end. Learning how to regulate that and trying to switch between perspectives when necessary is something I absolutely needed to hear.

[@joshgtm3266]

Empathy has been weird for me. It feels like I've lost all of it just through poor experiences and what happens in the world

[@superdupeninja8149]

Same

[@KxNOxUTA]

Dissociation. Often due to emotion related burnout. A safety measure to keep yourself safe if you lack better tools to regulate how empathy flows. It's like: Living on a hill and experiencing a crash each time you roll down with your bicycle that has no breaks. So you choose "Putting the bicycle away" instead of tackling the issue of getting and installing breaks. Unfortunately, the avoidance of bad experiences tends to lead to more bad experiences. And you're not getting any safer living on that "hill" which you do not have control over, in this example. Maybe consider contemplating if you have any idea how to "slow down" when it comes to feeling empathy. And look into methods. Start practicing. You can't stay stuck "on that hill", you'll starve and get weaker and more miserable and less and less likely in the position to "walk down to town to buy those breaks n figire out how to install them". May you find what first step you can take now, in regards to this struggle. And remember you can seek help too.

[@iced2666]

​@@KxNOxUTA excellent analogy 👏

[@spencer9892]

I understand what your saying but find it a little different. I think all the bad things experienced increase my empathy as it gives more understanding that you never know what people are dealing with. The issue is when your cup is so empty it don't really matter how empathetic you are you can't be of any help to anyone when your struggling to be there for yourself. I suppose we might be talking about dif things as empathy doesn't really require you do to anything for someone else all the time. That's more of the side of it I am referencing. Without that aspect I think negative experiences tend to make you more selective about who to extend your empathy for, also I think it's possible to empathize but then also not care because of the type of situation/person and the fact that the more shit your dealing with the more self absorbed you end up becoming. I gues I still kind of ended up saying basically the same thing as I initially did. Lol idk , idk if you've ever watched the vampire diaries but I think it's like that in a way. If you haven't seen it one of the vampire brothers is the "good one" most of the time but when he's not he's worse than everyone. They refer to it as him flipping his humanity switch on/off. I think humans have the same ability depending on situation they find themselves in. Although I may have completely not made any sense with this post but I get what's your saying/where your coming from.

[@TheArcher101]

I have a childhood-based dissociative disorder that keeps me cut off from everyone and everything - I can understand the logic of empathy very well, but I can never "feel" it in my heart myself, it makes me feel like a fraud in that situation socially or emotionally or such

[@malachitestorm]

I needed this video. I was told multiple times that being empathetic to others to benefit yourself as well is selfish, sleasy, I started to think of myself as manipulative, even though I genuinely like to help people and bring them joy. Their happiness and relief makes me feel better as well, and as someone asks for advice I feel much more motivated to follow it myself, perhaps even to show that I really stand by my words and believe what I say. To set an example that this is possible. This video taught me that I was probably right all along, I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for liking to bring joy to people nor for putting myself first.

[@Mozarta_Laporte]

Empathy is a curse. It ruined my life and almost ended my life. Being able to understand other people's problem, trying to help them (financially, socially) but in return only thing i got was resentment, hate, betrayal. Saved a kid from bullies and a year later he spread a rumour about me assaulting and doing very bad stuff to he's girlfriend. Got me suspended from collage, ruined my collage life and almost got me arrested. I was saved by the collage CCTV. They fucked some stuff up in the story and entire plot crumbled. And that hole in the story literally saved my life. Truns out he was angry because i refused to give him keys to storage room where he was gonna have good time with he's girlfriend. For fucks sake why did i even save that shit.. Turns out you can not escape a label like that in society. I'm at this point is a walking corps, people talking behind me back about me being a R***** and some times to my face. I can't even move cities due to health issues. All that depression, jumped from a bridge but somehow survived with a Broken leg (i don’t even know how but here i am).... I really hope that dude and he's gal gets the worst. I want to die every fucking time when someone mentions that incident.

[@ductranhong6209]

If what you say is true, I hope it gets better bro.

[@DianaWanMa]

Ohhh man, your story opened a wound I have… betrayals from someone you felt empathy and sided with hurt a lot… and my story is not near as bad as yours… Hope you’re doing better! I guess it’s safer to feel empathy for those who we already know that are trustworthy.

[@aaliyahhill98]

That’s my pushback towards open empathy especially in this day and age. People will see that and use that against you for their own benefit but when you take it away you’re a bad person/harming yourself? bs

[@johndinner4418]

While that's very sorry to hear happened, I fail to see how this is related to empathy. Narcissism and deception by the kid comes first, not to mention, I fail to see how the kid would've changed to not have done that to anyone if empathy was missing. If what you're saying is that if you had ignored him, it would've happened to someone else, which is what matters? Unlikely, given what you described of the other person. If he was gone and/or taught a lesson? Well, surprise, this actually wouldn't be empathy that is at fault, but trust. As this video says, proper use of empathy doesn't actually involve on you helping their problem, but rather you helping them help themselves. So by you hopping in and helping the person, there's actually a lot more factors at play than just empathy. Considering the event happened a year later, I assume you kept some kind of connection (otherwise empathy is even less involved). Empathy might have triggered the action that caused it, but that doesn't mean it was proper use of empathy either. Empathy caused you to trust the person more than you should, but understanding someone's actions and trusting someone aren't really the same thing. I can feel empathic towards someone I don't trust. I can lack it towards someone I trust. What you're calling a curse is not empathy, it's trust (and selfishness of others).

[@Mozarta_Laporte]

@@johndinner4418 Perhaps it was Trust and combination of many other factors. But it all started with EMPATHY. Had i not stepped in, I'd most probably have a normal life like many others. That few moments of empathy propelled my life towards destruction. I maintained connection with him the entire time. Treated him like a lil bro. We became very very close. That's why it fucking hurts more. Im sobbing as i write this comment. Wonder what could have been. I Don't know how it feels to go on a date, Don't know what is a love life. The only time i managed to get a date after that incident but it ended in humiliation. Imagine getting called R4p1$t by your date in front everyone. It was too much for me and i jumped from a bridge to end it. But God won't even let me die that day. I don’t know what kind of sin I've committed in my past life, but this life is no less then a hell for me. I can't die now since i promised my mom and dad that i won't harm myself. And i don’t want them to feel bad or make them cry since they Supported me from the very beginning. Perhaps as long as they are around, i just need to hang on till they kick the bucket. After performing the last rites i will follow them and free myself from this living Hell. Death is the only thing i look forward to. That 5-10 minutes of empathy sealed my fate for rest of my life. It made me what im Today. Thank you for commenting and your analysis, and for your time. I pray you have normal and healthy good life. I hope no one becomes like me.

[@nalijapetek6271]

Had a friend to whom I have abandoned myself trying to meet their needs as their constant hurt and accusing me of being the source of the hurt (as I don't meet their needs and can't read their minds or that I also do stuff without them). I no longer could endure (heart feeling heavy, feeling of nausea and body literally shaking from the thought of having to interact with them is not a fun feeling) it and ended the friendship. Oh, and they constantly complained that I don't check up on them every day. I don't see the need for it as we already had voice chats through discord 4 times a week. At first there was a lot of anger because I allowed them to do that to me because I cared and didn't want to hurt them, so I tried my best to meet their needs (which wasn't enough for them). I started googling stuff trying to figure out why has this happened. Watched various videos on various mental health subjects. That search also made me realise the damage I was doing to the friend by abandoning myself instead of having boudanries and not being able to sit with their hurt without taking in that hurt (them accusing me of emotionally abusing them because I didn't take their hurt did a number on me). By being always aviable I was enabling them. They were sorta dependant on me for social interactions as due to my constant aviability, they saw no reason to find other people to interact with, so when I wans't aviable it was devastating to them. As the saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions. After a few months and a lot of research, I started to mellow out and was no longer angry. I understand that they have a lot of traumas and maybe even some neurodiversities as they told me they have a hard time connecting to people. I kinda forgave them, but tat does not mean I want to continue the friendship. I wish them to find people who are more compatable and they can connect to. As for me, I learned my lesson that I should not abandon myself in order not to hurt the other.

[@NickOleksiakMusic]

Yes, the best teachers tend to be the most empathetic while still remaining authoritative. I was in a local youth symphony while in high school. Our conductor/director was a GEM. He got us to imagine scenery in our heads for the pieces we played, which I still do when I write my own pieces. He almost never scolded us, although he honestly really didn't need to because we all liked him so much. He genuinely cared about us and was overjoyed when we succeeded at more difficult sections. He's now one of the top youth symphony conductors in the Detroit area.

[@eatnplaytoday]

I naturally have empathy and was doing all that helping for everyone around me and it was also part of my job (RN) but it burnt me out really bad. I had compassion fatigue. People started taking advantage of me, take me for granted, and I got very depressed and anxious pleasing others. Since stopping that and caring less, my stress level has decreased so much.

[@dysxleia]

I conjecture there's some attachment that comes with the kind of empathy that gets exploited. If you're attached to the outcomes of your empathic actions too much, you'll either exert yourself more than you can afford, or you'll feel the weight of failure to help people. If you're not overly attached to the outcome, then you can care about people and work hard to help them, but you can live more peacefully with the fact that you are not solely responsible for all the failure that comes with it. In a weird way, i think there's a powerful ego in people who are easily manipulated, perhaps because over-exertion of empathy is a learned behavior for them.

[@stevecarter8810]

For those saying/lamenting that empathy makes you weak and people take advantage of you, watch the video again, but focus on the difference between cognitive and affective empathy, and on the parts about self management. If your empathy makes you weak then you are over expressing it, and could use to learn how to temper it and set boundaries. Being able to perceive and model another's emotional and rational processes is no weakness; being swept along with their behaviour is.

[@raresharsan234]

For me, knowing that someone is being empathetic/compassionate/understanding/whatever you wanna call it for their own benefit devalues the total kindness received. But ignorance is bliss I guess.

[@iristang8765]

Well, the connection between empathy and happiness could be that happy people are more likely to be empathetic, but not having empathy increase the happinesses level. I see more people recovering from depression by becoming selfish than by becoming selfish-less. Depressed people have a natural tendency to help people. Does it help themselves? No. In my country, there’s way to describe this: if you are rich, you could help people all over the world. If you are poor, you are good just taking care of yourself. It may be a final goal to be empathetic, but I don’t think I should be the first step.

[@spurce2179]

Good grief, the timing was impecable! Today I came to the sudden realization that I have been leaning further and further into narcissistic traits and this video was a breath of fresh air, allowed me to rethink and reframe some of what happened to me and led me to feeling my empathy burnout. I don't know about the last part of the video, but one thing is for sure: I feel a great sense of relief at the moment. Thank you for elaborating on empathy in such a clear, concise and thoughtful manner. I'm thinking of exercises to foster and nurture empathy within me again.

[@thickums5344]

I feel that empathy is very important to foster healthy and meaningful relationships. If I ever feel that I'm treated unjustly, I try to understand the thought process of the person(s) involved as to why they did that. Of course, there's an obvious line that needs to be drawn so I'm not taken advantage of. E.G. If a person uses their poor childhood upbringing as an excuse for poor behaviour, I empathise with them and give them grace, but I'm not going to forgive it forever. They're an adult now, they need to work on themselves to stop hurting others, regardless of their history.

[@tyoktweet]

Dr K is the cool uncle we all want to have in the family

[@913_Niyala]

I'd always wondered why I was so forgiving and understanding of others who said they were busy for one thing or another while others got offended (some even stalked me) whenever I was busy. After 15 years of it, I released those friendships (which was about 95% of them) and I'd always felt guilty for doing so despite feeling it was right for me. Now I understand.

[@KhaoticDeterminism]

everyone’s capacity for empathy is hindered by their deep rooted insecurities it seems

[@greyoll]

spittin fax i was sad for a long time lost a lot of friends and was mean to my family but mustering the ourage to talk to them has made me a lot happier

[@sunnyshien]

I laughed so hard at the ending, it was perfect 😂. It can be solved though🤓. Why don't we explore genuine kindness and empathy? Not for the sake of exploring or practice a life hack, but for the feeling itself. If I see someone who is sad, I genuinely want to give them a little boost, because I know I pass on positivity. Don't expect something in return though. Also, let go of the other as soon as possible (like dr. K explained about his therapy sessions). I hope this helps😊!

[@Sara-xq4zj]

It's so hard to not reject someone complimenting you, especially when you're really slow to process what they're saying. Not only am I having a mental crisis about how I failed something, but now I have to re-calculate on a theoretical position for all the points I was stressed about while going cross-eyed and staring blankly through them while I do that.

[@matlee9832]

3:43 whoever did this edit is fucking awesome

[@dylanm8615]

I'm a primarily empathetic person, and I experience affective and cognitive empathy very often. When I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my empathy in a relationship is harming me, I deploy feelings of indifference. As a defense mechanism, I have a very avoidant personality, and I use it in tandem with empathy to go through my day-to-day life. I don't know how good or bad that islol. I'm seeing a psycho therapist next week

[@danielmullin5134]

I'm a teacher and your bit about education is so accurate. I teach English and I genuinely didn't know the "parts of a sentence" and other extremely basic bits of English. I've always had extremely high test scores just by getting the kids to buy in and that was always through connecting with the kids.

[@ChewyGames]

Just watched this on my birthday, and I honestly really needed it. Thank you Dr. K :)

[@Kknderbueno]

So thankfully for me I came to this realization a few years ago, and I want to address Dr. K’s last point on perhaps being doomed by knowing empathy will benefit the self and I can say for me, the answer was “no, it did not doom me, and only when I truly knew was I able to do this successfully.” Basically when I first started being empathetic for “selfish” reasons, I told myself that even though I was doing it somewhat for self-benefit, it would only work if I was being genuinely empathetic. So in a similar way that you go to the gym daily even if you see zero immediate results because you KNOW that over time it will yield the results you want, paradoxically KNOWING that being truly empathetic in daily situations would benefit me in the long run, I was able to let go of seeing the immediate results myself and behave only for the benefit of the other person. In other words, it was only when I truly internalized the KNOWING that I would benefit long term that I was able to let go of the expectation.

[@marcosvictor4935]

This video came at just the perfect time, I was struggling to find strength to be kind after a couple hard times I've had recently. Thanks, this helped me remember why I try to be kind and learn how to better deal with it.

[@steggopotamus]

I've been thinking about how so many personality disorders and mental illnesses seem like someone whose brain is stuck in fear mode, or survival mode. And then think about a cat in panic mode. How much can you interact with that cat? almost none. You're better off helping that cat calm down before trying to introduce it to another cat etc. So, to me it makes sense that humans in panic mode tend to think of everything in terms of short term thoughts and less socializing. Of course this is just an arm waving hypothesis, but something about it feels right.

[@natlila9136]

First I watched a video called: "selfish people win at the end of the day" then I tuned into this video where dr k talks about how u should be more selfless. I liked both videos and I think that alot of the things we be considering "selfish" isnt rly selfish. A lot of times when people tell me im selfish just beacuse I HAVE a life it turns out to be beacuse they themselves are such a people pleaser they aint got no time for themselves, and they think i should do the same. Realizing that u have ur own life and that ur time is important to spend on ur self growth is rly important. BUT alot of the time, promoting love to others and giving away off ur time is going to be part of that growth process. I love the people that are now in my life, even though in the past people have acted like I have no wants and needs off my own. I learnt in my childhood to not even have any wants or needs. So ofc when in adulthood i made that switch it looked self absorbed to the people who had known me. Have ur own wants and needs, ur own goals. Beacuse if u dont, ur going to struggle with ur identity later on. Be compassionate and caring to the people around you, see all that they do for you and dont be blind to the signs of love that they show you literally every single day < 3

[@etolanleyvon8277]

As someone with adhd, I've always felt like I have to be myself, despite not knowing how to convey that to myself. Like I'll tell myself to be me but when I ask myself who I am, it doesn't lead to anywhere good. It's the whole "turtles all the way down" analogy. So at some point I told myself that the best way to be myself is to not think too hard and act as much as possible. Some days I can do a lot, and some days I need more breaks or even a day of rest. I know this has little to do with the video but when you said "you have to genuinely care about somthing in order to get health benefits from work (volunteer or otherwise)" made me realise that I don't care too much about my current job. I literally work extra hours just to get everything done and it sucks. What keeps me going is the fact that I live away from my folks with my wife and I have to contribute rent somehow. The people here are generally nice but are similarly overworked. And I really want to care more throughout my day but I don't care about the job I spend 8+ hours a day on and that's too much. I have multi people I care about, but not enough things or places or purposes that I care about. Not good. I need to care about something meaningful to me and maybe others. Need to get this out of my head. Thanks to anyone who read this. 😅

[@connorking984]

Being fairly required to spend 8 hours somewhere is a big ask when you're also trying to build the empathy muscles. I don't think you're doing anything wrong I think it's just a tough situation. That's my thought, good luck brotha

[@connorking984]

Oh also you should start a constructive hobby, something you can build up over time and have it be yours regardless of quality or whatever. I know people say get a hobby all the time but it's good advice, something to call your own and be proud of is great.

[@phoenixflamegames1]

Finally, I have proof that being empathetic is a good and healthy trait to have.

[@levidwashington]

This video has been up for only a few minutes so I obviously haven’t finished it even on 1.25x speed. But this is a fantastic topic, and so far-I hope this reaches MANY more people. We really have become so insanely individualistic… speaking as a recovering self-improvement addict. Thank you for all your work & wisdom.

[@Straga_Severa_]

I don't really know. I can be really helpful to my friends and to society as whole only if I'm selfish. The main principle of "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" still applies. Be emphatic to yourself first, and to other people only if you have spare resources after doing the first part. Otherwise you hurt yourself, get less resources, and therefore, you would not be able to help other people in long run.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

[@vuankhanhbeo]

I'm proud to say, I'm an empathy person. What I received? Well, I got used a lot, then tossed out of people's life when things done. It's like, how things should be to them, that I have to help them, that I got coded out to be like that, just like an AI assistant, and they feel no guild tossing me away. For years, everyone, no single exception. Even my mom. Back then, she was so used to it that she used that to threaten me, that if I don't do this and that, she not gonna need me to do it, she will ask someone else. It takes some grow up to the point I can say, Go ask someone else

[@emilyparisjohnson]

One of the reasons that I love rewatching movies, tv, etc. is that I love flexing the cognitive empathy muscle. On second go around you can sit with hindsight and mull over “why did they do that” or “how did that event make them feel”? And sometimes I will obsess over a show until I feel like I really understand the pov of the characters. I think it’s helped in situations where I need to support someone else in the moment.

[@RuudAwakening]

Quickfix on how empathy will not backlash you: don’t make it about you Give/listen/support for the sense of the other person(s). Skip how it makes you feel, because tbh THAT means you’re making it about you. Maybe not fully but partly. They don’t want it? They make fun of it? Ok, that’s up to them, apparently no sequel is wished

[@RuudAwakening]

And people (narcisists) who throw blame on others, let it be and stay their feeling “You forgot …!” “You neglect me!” “I apparently mean nothing to you!” A respond can be “yeah, you’re right” And leave it at that, might be interesting maybe even funny what happens (Though i understand when some situations or relationships bring a power-struggle, like when they are the parent of your child) But ‘disarming by disconnecting’ might be a surprising nice “hack”. So if the chance presents itself, give it a try!

[@Purple_raven28]

I’ve had metallisation therapy, it saved my life. I stopped using other people to regulate my emotions and guilt tripping them into staying with me. I’ve learned my assumptions about others being untrustworthy, ungrateful and secretly looking for an excuse to abandon me isn’t based in fact. I’m not perfect but learning to take a step back and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings before acting has prevented me from raging at others with multiple accusations when they’ve done nothing wrong. I’m not fully empathetic all the time and doubt I ever will be, but without this treatment I’d be 10x more toxic.I really wish I wasn’t the only narcissist in my family who got this treatment, it would have spared those in our lives so much trauma.

[@pineberry212]

On your little tidbit at the end, ive personally experienced this mental struggle, but what i did to overcome that is to intentionally choose to be a good person not because i want to look good or feel good, but because i want to, because i want to make that person feel better. I extend my platonic love towards them and embrace them as someone i care about. Just as youd help a friend because you care about them. Though you'd need to mentally poke and prod at what platonic feelings mean to you, and how you want to express them to those you care about.

[@rachelmay33]

Great video! I spent most of my life stuck in emotional contagion but found that I used metallization in a way that actually invalidated my own feelings and kept me “sick”. I was surrounded by unhealthy people and in an abusive relationship, so I can see how this was the way I coped to just keep going. I have been out of that relationship over five years and found that to restore balance, I had to be closed off to the perspectives and feelings of others while I developed a healthy relationship with my own perspectives and feelings first. You are 100% correct on empathy and how it helps us understand and forgive others… interestingly enough, I had to use this to understand and forgive myself. Currently, I am in a more balanced state and taking things one step at a time. Thank you for your content and for creating a space where people can feel supported and empowered 😊❤

[@Okurdi]

Man what a funny ending this video :D The way my mind has always engaged empathically was "what's the point of life if we're not going to care for each other?" I don't know if that's weird to other people but it's always served me in being empathic and getting those health benefits that he spoke about.

[@KuraiKaNinja]

idk if the connection is clear, but your comment made me think of this. some of my friends get hung up on not helping "enough" people i tell them if you help and change just one person's life for the better, that's enough. likely you will positively impact many more lives than that, but that's all each of us needs to do. go about your life as if each and every person could be that one that you impact in that way, and life becomes a lot less sad.

[@one_victory6145]

Same. I instinctively think we are all interconnected and other people's well-being are linked to mine. I still believe this. But it sucks when I am rarely reciprocated.

[@krox477]

What do you think of helping random strangers

[@rileylovebucket6080]

Realizing empathy can help me and intentionally practicing and improving my listening skills didnt sabatoge me. Thinking about myself constantly is extremely lonely, and when i catch myself doing it in conversation i remember that ill feel less lonely if i get out of my head and think about the person in front of me. Win-win

[@steggopotamus]

I'm thinking about the people in my life who complained the most about loneliness and they did tend to talk about themselves more than others.

[@Noximien]

What an M Night Shyamalan twist right at the end there!

[@williamphanz]

Thanks, Dr. K! These topics are good for me to revisit, I feel like.

[@Jompson]

* me smoking and playing video games while watching * 8:05 "Nuh-uh"

[@loki475]

this was a good one. well done Dr. K

[@missylks1239]

Question Dr K.: So, a lot of female friends come to me for "relationship advice" when they are confused or their feelings are hurt.(Ex. I matched online with my son's preschool teacher or my boyfriend made a weird comment about my eye color. Is this a problem? What should I do?) Now, as a woman that has never been in a relationship...this is always very humorous to me because I am completely unexperienced. The feedback from more than one has been that they like my insight because I have "a logical view of love". Is this cognitive empathy or is this just lack of experience?

[@ghostpengi9629]

awesome video, thank you for uploading a video that encourages empathy and compassion, very cool!

[@matthewonabajo3766]

God bless Dr. K . This channel is GOLD.

[@Seawheat]

The end is hilarious

[@Shakdnugz2024]

I'm going to be straight, I'm highly empathetic but come across people who don't change, or people who have to sacrifice or work a soul crushing job in order to survive with the cost of living. Being an emotional sponge has not really got me anywhere, and with my ever increasing focus on money it's getting harder to default to empathy. Basically my mind is learning that empathy isn't useful in this society, especially when the issues people need to be empathised with over are systemic and endemic to the culture. Am I black pulled ?

[@bloodking73]

No good deed goes unpunished, empathy is strickly self sacrifice for the ungrateful who want to take advantage of you or destroy you, thats reality

[@ZOMBIESequalLOVE]

I'm struggling hard with this right now. The timing could not have been better. I've practiced empathy since starting therapy years ago. I'm reaching a point of falling apart from being empathetic while being surrounded by narcissistic people who don't want to change. I'm currently stuck in the situation and have no viable options to fix my situation. I was doomed before the video started, but it did confirm a lot of what I had already determined through my own mental health journey. It's almost more lonely to be empathetic sometimes when there's no one around you with empathy to return.

[@todiolaosebikan64]

I found this video wholesome to watch and felt empathy for me from Dr. K , lovely work 😌😌

[@NymphaeaDreams]

I would be interested in seeing a video about folks who already have very high empathy and how to have "shields" and negativity detox from unwanted bad energy.

[@JanaXV]

Something in general because a lot of people are confused: Will this reach everybody who it should reach? No. Will it change anyone who saw this and needs it? No. Will it still have an effect? Yes. What do you do when people around you aren't giving any empathy back? Look for other people. Dr. K. can't change people (see above), you can't change people, you can only try to change yourself and hope for the best.

[@ilanieb2423]

Some of my thoughts about 5 minutes into the video. For me it was always how can I help my partner, what more can I do for them. The mental health system fails in so many ways to actually help people but we did a study in psychology in university that talks about that empathy or so called therapeutic characteristics should be embodied by normal average people since the system cannot handle everyone. And it is true but people also shouldn't feel that they should carry the role of a therapist like in the case of my partner it eventually weighed me down so much. I become apathetic to cope. I'm struggling to get back on my feet life just feels very dull and I could use some empathy. But it's all a fine balance a balance which many people don't know how to do cause it's either empathy with no bounderies or narsassism/apathy towards others. It's just hard to be the one that reach out all the time and be empathetic but then it's like people's capacity to accept it is low. And they tend to jump to relationship instead of friendship whenever that empathy exceeds a certain line. Thank you for the video.❤

[@mjschoensee93]

Well done! I enjoyed this.

[@lucmar6867]

The content of your videos is great as always! Clear message, well presented, backed by evidence, and showing the relevance to our lives. Thank you Dr K 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@hollowedboi5937]

I sometimes dread going to class because I’ll be great (classwork and homework done, good food and sleep, fun times with friends the other day), but then I come in and everyone is complaining about life, school, work, how little sleep or food they got, etc. And I feel for them but also it puts a damper on my mood because the room is sullen with spite and like they’re about to burst from their stress, they’re talking about part time jobs on top of internships ON TOP OF classes because they gotta pay off everything - i become attached to the idea that maybe I should be struggling like them to fit in or talk at their level. When in reality, shit just sucks for them. Like the majority of them. And even when it goes good, they all focus on how that good thing was terrible coming up and may end up bad in the future. This is why I avoid messages, discord, social media, news, all that because even if true, I hate being in that cesspool of negativity when I could be doing something positive and look for the positive in the negativity within my own circle of things.

[@sourcerer_]

My biggest problem were moments of "feeling used". In a life of empathetic person, there's a lot moments like this. I call this "silent burnout" ... in worst moments i explode with anger like volcano. Some people are ridiculous, i see nothing wrong reacting when someone starts taking advantage of your good will.

[@robinheath3136]

Man I really needed that thank you

[@Demoiselle21]

This is a very important topic, glad to see more focus on it❤

[@CaptainMangles]

A lifeguard has to keep themselves safe to save the other person from drowning

[@justinmoore1136]

I think, on the whole, if someone is forgetting your birthday multiple times and you've told them how important it is to you, then that is not a relationship that should continue. Of course, it's case by case, but most people are not heroically planning a fancy vacation

[@TheKristll]

I had a big laugh at the end 😂 thank you Mr. K, made my day 😁

[@OctoLumia]

there's that thought that comes back regularly that everything was much more simple when i was much nicer, before high school ! i don't know how it happend but i traded niceness for meanness a lot after I entered high school.. not like bad BAD mean stuff, but you know, little things were i could just have bean nice, like when i was in middle school..

[@MrRatMommy]

12:57 empathy for others, the qmount of hurt goes down as their mind is on other things. they are incapable of doing whatever. 14:18 full attack on a narcissist anxious, depressed, stressed out, dont have good relations.

[@maede3786]

OMG, that was such a great ending to the video!

[@oxbluepandaxo]

Haha the end was funny but don't worry u haven't doomed us 😂 just raising awareness that this is an important peice of the puzzle to be a good and happy person is great in itself! Honestly this was a great reminder for me both ways, to not try and fix my loved ones problems, and to also remember to get in touch with the empathy side when I'm offended by them lol. Thanks for a great vid, so refreshing!!

[@4.1132]

I’m not empathetic, I’m just good at recognizing negative emotions. Frankly, I want nothing to do with those emotions but somehow the people attached to them always come to me or it’s just way too obvious that nobody else is going to help. Then it’s like frick me, now I have to help, because I was raised on the concept of noblesse oblige and I feel obligated to try and help if it’s within my power. Kindness doesn’t cost me anything except maybe a little time and I don’t have to constantly sense negative emotions in my periphery, which makes me rather selfish I guess 😂. It is nice to help and the people that ask for help are usually very happy and sometimes even try to invite me to something like coffee or lunch after I helped them. Though there have been instances where people were rude or entitled.

[@axeltech9914]

Bahut shukriya Dr. K, you helped me alot in my mental health. My councillor also advised me to sympathise others more, be selfless and not selfish. ❤