Why Families Scapegoat: The Insidious Forces Supporting FSA

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@taraarrington2285]

I think the one of the best things that people such as yourself have shown me on this journey of self-discovery is that I was never the person that my family identified me as.❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's an important realization, Tara, thanks for letting me know.

[@Mindfuluser2024]

I think I hit the jackpot and got a triple-whammy, likely having 2 parents with NPD, malignant and covert. I think the scapegoating has always opened up my mind to philosophy and more and more, psychology. I have taken the red pill, especially going full-no contact and being disinherited. Cheers to us scapegoats, we get pushed to wake up, hard, and walk our own path.

[@SuzkaMares]

amen!

[@christar9527]

I got the triple whammy too! At least they’re all gone now.😅

[@Mindfuluser2024]

@@christar9527 gone from going no contact, or gone from they grew older and faded away?

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@Mindfuluser2024 you got disinherited of all the crap. Handed it back- no my soul is not for sale.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Lol, we are awesome. As a scapegoat myself, I showed my strength by walking away, and NEVER looking back. Their loss, certainly not mine. Thanks for sharing dear one!!

[@mm669]

This video was very helpful. I'm sixty now and finally got away from my abusive family. It's sad and lonely though, to be alone at this age after a lifetime of trying hard to be accepted. The worst is all the extended family siding with the abusers. I don't blame them. The abusers look perfect from the outside.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is why I consider family scapegoating abuse to be so very harmful. No family member deserves such suffering.

[@SuzkaMares]

Congratulations on getting away! Never too late to live in peace.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I am right there with you.

[@eleanorjohnson1313]

I’m with you too. It would be nice to feel fantastic after the huge effort of stepping away but it’s really hard, Rebecca’s reassuring words helped - we can recover! I’m glad I have stepped away despite the loneliness - hang in there. And for me it beats the loneliness I felt while with my family of origin.

[@christar9527]

Same thing here M M. I’m 63.

[@letimarquez1912]

This morning I woke up and was thinking about how painful it is to lose my whole family, I asked “ What is the silver lining to losing my family, whats the lesson/purpose of this”. You just provided me with the answer, the silver lining to losing my disfunctional family is liberation and healing. Thank you Rebecca Mandeville for spreading your knowledge.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, and thank you for letting me know. Do consider watching my video on Scapegoating and Grief - it is on the 'most popular' playlist and some others. My book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', has a dedicated chapter on 'Disenfranchised Grief' as well (a grief particular to FSA adult survivors).

[@boldi2337]

Raised by malignant borderline, scapegoated by the whole family. Went no contact 2 years ago and I never ever go back. Even when someone dies in my family, I don't care. I will go for my soul purpose and heal, but I am done with this extreme sickness for ever.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Always important to follow the wisdom of your nervous system.

[@SuzkaMares]

Yes, so true. Save yourself and your soul! I am encountering everything you speak of in this video. Being the scapegoat of a toxic family system with a narcissitic mother, highly favoured golden child older sister, and enabling (silent) father. They all know and can tell I have done the work on myself to heal and am stepping out of the role. They don't like it and the pushback is HUGE! For anyone else going through this, never give up on yourself. Keep pressing onwards, freedom tastes great.

[@Mindfuluser2024]

completely agree on that pushback once you start creating and enforcing boundaries. Did you go no contact?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks for sharing - Sounds like you are experiencing the "change back!" dynamic as you heal from being in the scapegoat role. In my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) I use the analogy of the crab pot - not sure if you read it but it is an apt analogy, indeed.

[@MF-my3db]

Any time I pushed back they simply joined forces against me in whatever ways they could.

[@1RUTHGroup]

Absolutely. We need no one's stamp of approval to take care of ourselves. Never go back to the unhealthy.

[@whitehorse3828]

Holy Resurrection Day...I'm writing this on Sunday. At age 68, the thing that gives me peace now (besides Rebecca's ultimate healing insights) is that we are eternal beings, someday all of us will drop our God designed flesh and enter our real life in Heaven. I relate to so many of the comments left on here and I know it has been a long and very hard road for most of us. Plus after "Covid", our world has changed making it even more challenging. The evil in our families and the evil running this world want us to suffer even more.... Stay close to nature and animals because they are genuine and authentic.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I hope you had a Blessed Easter, and thank you for taking time out to watch my latest video and comment.

[@whitehorse3828]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I hope you had a peaceful Easter too Rebecca. I love ALL the videos you share with us! Hang on for a bumpy 2023....the good, the bad and the revealing! 🙂

[@DJH97]

Not all narcissists are formed from trauma. Many are coddled and spoiled and entitled and praised constantly. I know. I tried making a marriage work for decades with one that was made from being told all the time how awesome and great he was as a kid and adolescent. Thank you for the clarification. Yes. His parents were like that as well.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes indeed, this is why I wanted to mention this in the video. The over-valuation of a child and the projection of the idealized self onto the child (unconsciously) is harming the child - but it is not obvious to the outside world, or even to the child, often, when they become adults.

[@christar9527]

I fully agree! I’ve seen it firsthand and second.

[@MF-my3db]

Both my parents were golden children at worst or spoiled and entitled children at best. I didn't ever know their parents and only have their impressions which seem extremely odd and incomplete - especially my mother's who claims to have grown up in "Mayberry" while my Dad's stories around the adults in his life (where he is always placed at center) are rather extreme. My Dad is extremely self absorbed. Their marriage was odd but they stayed together out of a need to portray it as perfect and a dependency on each other to maintain their images. As the family scapegoat with two golden siblings and a lost siblings also considered "less than", I'm the only one to have observed this although the lost siblings at times had insights, she remains totally dependent emotionally on the golden child closest in age to her and will not challenge scapegoating of me. The other golden child has been dead- set her entire life on imitating her mother's life to a bizarre extreme including her children in this effort. My mother's death pushed both golden siblings toward narcissism (projected onto me) and I was forced into no contact. Kind of a happy ending there. I relate all this because there is no way I could have reached this point of understanding without Rebecca's book followed by these video's and ensuing support. I believe I'd still be wasting way too much time perplexed and highly stressed for it is, for me, the hardest part not to be known/seen by my own family. What a great community we have here! I hope it continues to grow! ❤

[@DJH97]

@@MF-my3db I may have to read the book. I’ll probably be in therapy the rest of my life but at least I’m off the merry go round of chasing people to attempt to have a relationship. My mother only had me to try a third time for a boy for my dad after having 2 girls. I was told that all my life as a kid. When I was born my dad said he was moving to the garage and my sisters wanted to run away cause my dad was so disappointed. Great way to act with a 5 and 7 year old. Nothing positive about the newborn suddenly in their home and it never changed. I’m happy for these communities and thankful. I don’t feel so alone.

[@MF-my3db]

@@DJH97 I'm also a third daughter (there ended up to be four daughters) and feel that this entered into things. Even were I not a scapegoat by FSA it would have been an uphill battle to be seen and known by my father. In a way all women and minorities are scapegoated on some level - many, it horrifies me to think, far worse than my own experience. I strongly suspect were I male I'd have been a golden child easily eclipsing the current golden children. My father bonded inextricably with my first husband who was dishonest and abusive to me but who was driven to please people like my parents. When he left the marriage after a series of betrayals my parents sided with him and maintained a relationship with him. I could not for the life of me understand how that could be so at the time - I was an honest, dutiful, caring daughter who stood up for their interests routinely. But of course in their eyes I'm whatever suits them at the moment. They have no awareness of this nor will they or my sisters ever. I would not understand most of this if I hadn't read Rebecca's book. Now I know that what has happened to me is not me being crazy, "negative", "demanding", or bad. It isn't my fault. Please read the book for your own sake. Rebecca is top in her field.

[@fifilafleur5555]

My narcissistic abusers were spoiled rotten as children. They grew up with all the advantages I (the empath scapegoat) never had. I believe spoiling a child and allowing that child to feel entitled and never accountable also creates a narcissist. That is the case with the narcissistic individuals I know.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I mentioned in a different video that by 'idealizing' / objectifying a child (a la the 'golden child') a narcissist can be created.

[@kimpeterson4846]

So many of us don't get it until we're into our 60's always trying to get approval that never comes. The ruminating has finally after much deliberate work subsided and i can catch it and stop it before it sweeps me away into relived anguish. Yee-Freakin-Ha. Im getting better every day. Im so glad to have found your channel. I am sharing it with friends. THANKS REBECCA ❣️ 😊 ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Kim!

[@catherinewylie6959]

I am glad to hear this! I am in my late 50's and am now just realizing I cannot do business as usual anymore with the fawning and the hoping to one day get asked to take my seat at the table more often. The rumination has always been an issue for me, too. I am glad to hear it subsides. What I am doing now is deciding to look forward with some excitement to the prospect of being able to more progressively detach and to heal!

[@lolo9553ify]

Yes. Being hijacked and converted into the family scapegoat by narcissistic parents felt like living under a death sentence to me. If only I killed myself, I thought, my family would be able to be happy. I believed that as a youngster and had my first attempt at 11. I believed it for a long time. Later, in my late 30s, I realized I had to search outside of my family for love and other options. This realization has led to some great adventures - in theater, film, writing, paranormal experiences, aerial arts - so many wonderful experiences that I may not looked for had I not felt so desperate to save myself. Narcissistic abuse and being a scapegoat almost killed me. I was in danger at various points in my childhood but couldn't go to my family for help with those issues either. And on some days, the accusations of being both rotten and worthless can still creep up on me. But I know now it's a big world and if you seek, you will find. Thank you for your understanding and message of hope. Best wishes to you on your journey as well.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Lorna, and what a fascinating 'away-from-scapegoating-family' life you have led! I appreciate your affirmation of hope as well.

[@GalaxyAnjuWest]

My mother was created as a narc because of her father who placed her on a pedestal and treated her better than he did his own wife. I'm glad to be the skapegoat because I'm the one who could get out and get away. Yay that's such a good upside, I'm the one who could break free! Thank you for that nugget❤ And thank you for the inspiring message that whole healing is possible!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome!

[@miriamevans5200]

You are not allowed to be your own person. My bpd/npd mother use to say I own you, all the time. The family believed this false narrative about me. They thought I said and did things that either never happened or was so twisted that it was out of context. All she wanted was control. The other family members thought they had some kind of righteous anger toward me. They would make passive aggressive comments toward me thinking they were really getting at me. They were brainwashed by the repetitive false narrative. In the end I had to go no contact. They don't care about the truth and think they are the matrinarc is an angel and the are avenging her honer by humiliating me.

[@diamondedevil]

have literally had the same experience, they think im insane that i need to be medicated or be put in a mental hospital, they treat me like im stupid n none of what i do is valuable even tho out of all my family im the first of my generation to become independent w out a college degree, slowly work my way up the minimum wage ladder all by myself and am extremely diligent w my affairs (consistently meal prep, study, workout, etc.) they have the audacity to think im crazy bc i dared to talk about the pattern of child SA in my family n they call me a liar and possessed and crazy; abt how my stepfather is creepy arnd me and it makes me uncomfortable but im the one who needs to apologize for being a “rebel” and my ego being too big, they all see me with contempt and they all want to sabotage my success, they have /never/ praised or complimented or celebrated any of my achievements, all they do is judge and talk down and belittle, they truly believe im worthless stupid and crazy, its actual insanity bc in reality im the most hard working one out of all of them

[@Yasminescookingshow]

Afternoon Dr Mandeville. I’m about to start chapter 8 in Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Started crying at page 4 when you mentioned your 80 year old client. I felt her pain and her joy to finally find clarity much later in life. I appreciate the biblical introduction of chapter 8 where you discuss intergénérationnel trauma.

[@Yasminescookingshow]

Oops. Sorry. My phone is set up in French and spelled inter generational automatically

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Yasmine, yes, take the book slow. Glad you are listening to yourself in that regard. The book is not very long, but the material I cover is dense.

[@Yasminescookingshow]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes ma'am.

[@hobocode]

My father was that kind of evil and he had me all to himself for 17 years. It's hard to survive each day. I won't give details. Everyone hates my details. And his father was... holy crap. I won't give details there either. Not because I don't desperately wish I were able to talk about my life experiences as openly and casually as lucky people who had pleasant lives. But because there is literally no one on this earth who can hear it. I've had multiple therapist say they can't handle hearing my life. I'm not mad about it. That's good boundaries for them to avoid professional burnout. But it just really sucks to be the person stuck with a life that's truly unspeakable. It's very alienating and isolating. And it's impossible to feel normal or comfortable around anyone... That soulless evil you describe. I know what that's like. And not a single person even wanted to step in. I mean... would you want to make someone like that angry by taking away their favorite toy? So, no one ever did. It was far easier just to pretend I was lying or exaggerating. One thing I don't understand, and this is common. What's with enabling parents saying they don't remember anything? Are they lying, did trauma block their memories, or are they just in really deep denial? Because I hear it over and over. The "good parent" says they don't remember any of the things the child brings up. And certainly none of the ways they supported and used the "bad parent" to gain more power and control for themselves. If I'd had any other father, my mother would have been a nightmare. But, in our house she was the "good parent". It almost reminds me of the roles for children. Children assign roles to their parents. My mom became the "golden parent". Even when she abused us. The good one and the bad one. And it can take decades to clear the fog from your mind and realize that the "good parent" was a total nightmare as well. I wonder if giving parents certain roles is common in childhood. Just like roles exists for the children. The children, parents, and family create these ideas for the parents. I'd be interested in how common it is, how many different dynamic exist, and how accurate the roles are to Big R Reality. I did not see my mother accurately at all. Because, it doesn't take much to seem like a saint compared to my father. He always was so angry that I hated being abused because he said he was "so much better" than his own father. I have no idea if I believe him. He was the scapegoat of his brothers. He told me that I should live my life to "prove him wrong" because that's what motivated his life. Proving his family was wrong about him is what he claimed gave him meaning and purpose. I would always immediately counter and say that being nice to someone is much more helpful but, to him, that was just me being brainwashed by liars and hippie types. Thank you for this content. It's very helpful. Maybe some people will understand someday. And the world will change.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You ask: "One thing I don't understand, and this is common. What's with enabling parents saying they don't remember anything? Are they lying, did trauma block their memories, or are they just in really deep denial?" This deserves its own dedicated video - I have added it to my list.

[@hobocode]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That's great! Thanks. I notice it as a really common trend according to other survivors. And my mom seems really sincere in her ignorant bliss. My brother also doesn't have childhood memories. But I actually believe him because I know what profound trauma can do to a child's brain functioning. But she was college educated and in her 30's and 40's. That how old I am now. I've experienced trauma as both a child and adult. It's so different. It's awful no matter what. But, as an adult, it's just enormously different than when you're experiencing it from a parent, with no knowledge of the world, being gaslit, and completely hopeless to ever escape. Plus, as kids we were intentionally (not due to poverty or neglect) food and sleep deprived as well. My mother was neither. So she was an adult, had unlimited access to food, safe sleep space in a locked private room, and the abuse was targeted only at the children. She admits she did that on purpose, at least. That she "gave me to him" as she says so that she could be left alone. And she truly thinks she was a good mom. And cannot handle hearing any of what happened. I mean, her bedroom door was only a few feet away and there was A LOT of screaming. She did drink a lot in her room tho. She says she thinks that affected her memory. I think she's just denying it. Because, when I do end up telling her something, she knows details. Like, how she would hide when I would be screaming in pain during certain... routines. But she said she thought he was doing "first aid" and said she "Let Dr Daddy do the medical stuff". So.... she remembers. But also... really seems like she doesn't.

[@norxgirl1]

Gutted for you....your story sounds similar to Anneke Lucas and Marilyn Van Derbur Bur....

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@hobocodeyou are a very strong person to be able to be so coherent. I hope you someday find a therapist who can support you, the ones who could not hear your story in the past… and you are here…I’m just thinking of a book- 8 keys to trauma recovery by Babette Rothschild. It’s broken down on KZbin and it’s about living your everyday life now and what might help.

[@lesliegann2737]

My mother came from generational trauma and became a narcissist. My father was MIA with the bottle every evening. My mother drank along with him and then the arguing would start. Much of my abuse was covert (sneaky) but when she was drinking another side came out towards me. I've seen evil in her eyes where I knew she was consciously enjoying putting me down. I was more of an identified patient (defective, weird) as my father was the main scapegoat. Perhaps a narcissist can become malignant during substance abuse. I have one younger brother who was the golden child but not in an obvious way like the text book examples. It wasn't until my mother died that I began to realize that my brother drank her Kool-aid about me. It took a few years of examining his behavour towards me that I finally put all the jig saw pieces together. I found this realization about him more painful in some ways than the emotional neglect growing up. It is a unique kind of betrayal. I ended up going no contact.

[@janegreen5301]

Leslie, I am sorry for your pain. I understand putting together the jig saw puzzle. For me it was like putting the puzzle together without the picture on the box lid. And yes it's a unique pain when you realize certain people have drank the kool-aid. Have a blessed day. Jane

[@christar9527]

I’m finding the sibling betrayal to be the hardest part too right now. Best wishes to you on your healing journey.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That is true for many FSA adult survivors. With the scapegoating parent, they expected it. With a sibling they once may have felt aligned with, the scapegoating can be a shocking (even traumatizing), unexpected betrayal.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

For many FSA adult survivors, the sibling betrayal happens in adulthood and is so out of the blue and unexpected it can be tremendously traumatizing...

[@hobocode]

I, in my middle age, was just sideswept with the same realization. Someone I thought I could trust is now gone from my life. She was the last family member I had left. Sorry for your loss. It's not fair.

[@ayame1326]

I was scapegoated since probably infancy by my covertly narcissistic mother. I have not healed yet and am still struggling to heal myself but I realize that my mother is also from a dysfunctional family and has absolutely NO self esteem. I can see that she is in extreme pain with massive insecurities but I also know she doesn’t have the capacity in her to admit or understand her situation. I am often triggered by conversations with my mother because she constantly tries to put me down and whenever I fight back she will tell me what an ungrateful child I am and wonders out loud what went wrong with me. She always believes all my achievements (I am a MD) are her achievements but all my failures are because of faults in my personality. I do get angry when triggered but at the same time I feel sorry for her because I understand why she is acting as she is. I know I am not an ungrateful child but I feel guilty for putting someone in her 80s nearing the end of her life thru pain by fighting back which inevitably requires me pointing out her wrongs and I know that will be hurting her. I am struggling to keep myself on the path to healing but I don’t know how to balance my feelings and the way to approach my mother.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You may find help in a support forum of some type, particularly if you are going to be in situations that activate your nervous system. Out of the Fog has a support forum online for people with complex trauma; I also know of a facebook group for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. Let me know if you need the links. Your situation is challenging, indeed.

[@spiritgurl1111]

Wow I could’ve written that. You’re not alone. Best to you on your journey. I’m trying to navigate the exact same situation. 🧘🏼‍♀️

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@spiritgurl1111yes- and they can last a very long time- unchanged, new tactics and the protective shroud of “old lady”

[@cloudwalker8266]

It was very validating to hear you acknowledge that truly evil people exist. I married an extraordinarily predatory psychopath in college. My doctor describes him as a Dark Tetrad type. Barely made it out alive (literally). It took me over 3 decades to understand what happened to me and why I was drawn to such a demonic parasite in the first place (severe childhood trauma). And now you have given me another layer of understanding around how the unhealthy dynamics in my family of origin had driven so many of my bad choices and self-sabotaging behaviors. Thank you! ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome 🙏

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Each of your videos builds upon the last! This was validating. When you said that you have seen evil in people, that was especially so. There's nothing like that moment when you feel it and see it and they know that you did ... and then (in my case, with my family), they take pride in your shock and show that they are proud for being predatory and for hiding it until they showed it. They really seem to enjoy and savor that "big reveal". But, I guess that's just their way of controlling the situation because how can someone be proud of being evil? "I victimized, abused and gaslit someone from infancy onward, I'm great!" What?! Thank you and thank you for having the spirit and tenacity and all the other traits it takes to get better and learn how and share it with us. You are changing lives.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Kiska. I see this sort of thing primarily with people who are malignant narcissists, which fortunately is rather rare - but I've certainly had clients and research respondents who have experienced this first-hand. Very traumatizing.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Cannot thank you enough for your work!

[@lesliegann2737]

Being proud of being evil.... I remember a few times my mother would brag about herself in this way as if they were fine qualities.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

@@lesliegann2737 It's cultic thinking (or feeling, really), they must belong to a group even if it encourages committing felonies and risks making the family look like, well, what they are. But, it's cultic. I first saw cultic behavior in my own family before I knew what it was called. Eyes glazed over, the inability to think. It's the same thing.

[@christar9527]

Shocking isn’t it? You described my father, then mother to a degree and a sister. They take pride in their ability to abuse. I have concluded after several years of research, reading and reflection that narcissism =evil to one degree or another…it’s still self worship and takes the life energy from the target.

[@karenp2903]

This is incredibly validating! It’s so sad and lonely to separate from one’s family yet wonderfully liberating to be free from abuse and to have the ability to hold strong boundaries. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Karen. In the end, we must do whatever we need to do to heal our bodies, hearts, soul, and brain (nervous system) - this will look different for each person, depending on their experiences and circumstances. It takes what it takes.

[@KChrisWatching]

Social media has added a whole new level of problems on top of old problems.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm curious to hear more regarding your thoughts on this...?

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Rebecca, you're so right about the Golden Child. I had to be willing to become a scapegoat to have any chance of getting away with my life. My brother is disabled now and never could get off drugs and alcohol for very long. I've been very sick myself, but sober-minded and still here. Great video 👍💯👏

[@lynny5908]

That feels so true,. What you said that it's a soul homicide. That is what it feels like. They make you feel like you deserve no form of any joy or comfort or help in your life. Your made to feel like you should be suffering and how dare you think it's ok with us or with God if you want to batter your self, while they're treating you like your not good enough and will never be good enough to deserve any respect or support or genuine love because you can't or haven't been able to make your circumstances in life better with no help from anyone on this earth. It's a dammed if you do and dammed if you don't situation. I have one sister who I felt has truly deep inside themselves, hated me because I was born. She's always treated me with disdain and passive aggressive hatred since I was born. She's always been very manipulative and conniving and told and literally justified her lies for taking great unfair advantage of myself and a couple of other weaker members of our family. It's truly twisted. She's accompanied in her evil behavior by two other older siblings and our mother when she was alive. She and her husband have always been extremely judgemental and cruel and weaponized their supposed Christian beliefs as a tool to make everyone else around them never good enough to deserve God's love help or favor. They always used their "Christian faith"as a tool to excuse any bad behavior they have or any bad behavior they treated others with, like it was alright to treat others in such abusive and disrespectful ways because some character in the Bible committed similar evil acts against others but God forgave them for it so it's justification for them to commit similar sins and justify it by a historical figure in the Bible did it. They always demand that you dare not try to hold them accountable for their sins and abuse of others or judge them or even for knowingly commiting sins and abuse of others then expecting no consequences from their bad behavior. They always say "how dare you judge me" "God demands you instantly forgive and forget anything bad that we do". Two of my older brothers who are or have alot of narsassitic behavior, literally and openly a spouse to be very highly moral upstanding and deserving Christians and treat others as lesser or unlovable people...while they are openly and constantly committed adultery on their wives and children, and showing zero conscience or repentance for their seriously agreegious sins against others that the Bible clearly says are great sins. All of them will and have many times taken severe advantage of others in the family by literally plotting together to and did steal, and I mean steal knowingly other weaker members of our families inheritance money. It's truly shocking the things my brothers and sisters have done under the cover of pretending to be such high moral untouchable Christians. It finally truly hit me what evil they we're doing to others about five or so years ago. It's truly shocking and is still very difficult and disturbing for me to wrap my head around how they can keep doing these wicked things to other people while shouting to the world what wonderful Christian they are. It's so wrong

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"It's a dammed if you do and dammed if you don't situation." Very true. In the field of Family Systems, we recognize this via the term "double binds" - which are very common in dysfunctional family systems - narcissistic family systems as well. And double binds are very damaging to the person who finds themselves in one. In my book, I liken double binds to the Gordian knot that could not be untangled - but COULD be sliced through.

[@hobocode]

I wonder how often religion plays a role in this. Because religion was ENORMOUS in my family too. Used as a tool solely to justify cruelty and appear morally unquestionable to others. I mean, if you're an evil person, it's the perfect disguise. I wonder what percent of people who are really really in your face with their religion do so as a disguise. I bet the numbers would be very high. I have an uncle who was a pastor. I believe the only reason he did it was to get absolute unquestioning authority. He was the voice of God. Everyone admired him. He had total power and control over his family and his entire community. I bet faking genuine religious faith to get narcissistic supply and power is way way more common than average people imagine.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I've had more than one client who had a highly revered pastor / preacher for a parent and they would seem to have met the criteria for malignant narcissism. Cult dynamics can be even more easily at play with religious groups, at times.

[@annewoods3528]

I wish there are more ways I can spread your messages. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that need to hear this. Thank you so much for bringing attention to this insidious but severe traumatic abuse to people's awareness. Your compassion shows through in your videos.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Anne. Letting people know about my book, blog, and this channel are a few ways to let people know about my work on FSA. I appreciate your support!

[@chocolate-eq6jn]

Bravo! Score! Your last comments about the messages being thrown at the scapegoat to keep the homeostatic system going were priceless. It really helps me to understand on a deeper level their dysfunctional, yet very destructive behavior during a time that we needed to communicate, concerning the disposition of my father's personal belongings after he died last year. I ended up getting nothing, but I now have my own attorney to represent me during the last phases of the dissolution of his trust, and they have theirs. Now, the playing field is leveled and my brother is no longer the power holder in this situation. As my husband put it, "They don't mean to do harm, but they do". That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you - and I am relieved to hear you secured the services of an attorney. This is typically necessary in families that scapegoat to the degree that leads survivors to a channel like mine, yet often the FSA target struggles to accept this painful reality. Those that have gotten attorneys who followed up with me reported surprisingly positive outcomes. I wish the same for you.

[@chocolate-eq6jn]

You're welcome! I wish I had an attorney from the beginning, since they caught me off guard with the news of of her death, since she was in charge of the estate. They took advantage of the situation, ran a "full court press" to make sure that I acquiesced to their wishes, turning my father's attorney against me in record time. Narcissists are very skilled at that.! Fortunately, though, my father didn't leave many personal belongings behind (they were in assisted living), so there wasn't much to "fight over", and my lawyer said that in most cases, it wouldn't be worth their while. So,. I just grieved he situation and cut my losses. Things are pretty much straightforward at this point, but since my Dad's attorney was turned into my adversary, I had no choice but to hire my own attorney, since the situation with her was no longer workable.

[@heyitsme5469]

When you say that we can dis-identify from the scapegoat narrative and detach from the dysfunction.....that is where I want to be! But that feels so far away. I am so happy to hear you say it's possible.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Of course, there is often trauma work that also needs to be done...but detaching from the false scapegoat narrative is a core foundation to full healing and recovery in regard to the neocortex (front part of the brain...trauma healing focuses on the middle part of the brain).

[@LR-yu3mx]

My family in which I grew up , was exactly like that Tookme years to be free of their cult.

[@LR-yu3mx]

I was freed of this through my religion.

[@roxieateah4505]

I'm so grateful for your series ! While there's so much general info out there on narcissistic abuse. I find your focus on the family systems abuse so incredibly important. I know that healing intergenerational trauma abuse you talk about. I personally don't think I'd have been able to heal from my csa & narcissistic family abuse without delving into the history of both my parents' & grandparents childhood trauma & those cycles repeating. I'm not going to guilt myself for being a person who has compassion, empathy & understanding . That's who I am it's a part of my identity. It doesn't mean we put up with further abuse, enable or pretend. It's just acknowledging the truth of how the abuser got to where they are. It wasn't just important for myself it was incredibly important for my children & grandchildren to be taught all those family histories in order to end cycles, recognize abuse & prevent & protect. I think it's extremely important you're addressing talking about intergenerational trauma abuse & what that is. Thank you so much 🙏🏽💖🕊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Roxie. I hope everyone who scans through comments here stops and reads all that you share here. Incredibly important. It is understanding these things you mention (and that I repeatedly discuss) that can aid someone's recovery from FSA beyond what they might even imagine, and in unexpected ways.

[@mattieb7348]

I love your videos. It helps me understand my own family dynamics. What a blessing you are. I've commented before about the scenario playing out on the world stage with Harry and Meghan and the British royal family. They are the "poster family" of a dysfunctional, narcissistic family which I believe is very cult like. Speaking of generational trauma! Rejected, shamed and blamed has been their way of life...for centuries. It started long before Diana's tragic death. I was so glad to see Harry involved with Dr. Gabor Mate. I belong to several groups who support Harry and Meghan and I'm going to introduce these members to you. I'm sure some members are already aware of your channel but I look forward to spreading your good work to those who are not. Thank you for all you do! BTW...I have looked into the eyes of evil. It is real. 💖💖💖

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Mattie. I've learned this is a very divisive subject with strong feelings among supporters of H and M and also their non-supporters. Stirs a lot of things up on both sides of the pond, that's for sure.

[@Yasminescookingshow]

Wow! The comments on this channel are like deleted scenes from my favorite movie: Fried Green Tomatoes. Makes me cry every time. We add so much value to each other as a community just like Edgie and Ruth in the film. Thank you. Thank you. I can confess that it was after watching Prince Harry's special on Apple TV+ with Oprah that pushed me into researching and doing EMDR last year at the VA. Even though I had been in therapy several years before, EMDR gave me an extra layer of clarity about my life and my family. I recently finished reading Prince Harry's memoir, Spare and I was amazed how much I have in common with him; separated from my mom at age 12, joined the military to find meaning, separating myself from family for good, and also writing my own memoir. And you're right Mattieb, Harry and Meg are scapegoats on the world stage, and I'm disgusted with many in the media who continue to ridicule and shame him for telling his truth and his determination to make his own money rather than relying on King Charles financially like the others. It serves as evidence unfortunately how apathetic so many of us are and how little our society cares to know about trauma and family systems.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@YasminescookingshowI think he lost so much when he retired from the military. That was a system of belonging that helped. A very rich young man without a proper job… that’s a whole lot of energy needing expending…

[@nicolabyrne-yx8oh]

Thanks Rebecca I am happy that you briefly discussed evil people or soulless people because I have experienced this in my family. I am healing well and I seem to have high intuition to evil people because I studied certain members of my family. It's very hard to detox from their energy so I'm so happy you mentioned Carl Jung because he was my saviour when I had contact with my family. I love that he had his own struggle with mental health and that he went beyond the norm in his time. I empathise with his struggle for up dated research when he pushed Freudian ideas and I love his search for deeper meaning by the means of spirituality. I have read several chapters of your book and was really drawn to the one on the True Self. I am at this stage and will keep you and Carl as a positive role model in overcoming the effects of evil within the family system. I have the courage to speak about this type of abuse now with the help of prayers. Today I pray for strength & health for all of this community in the hope that we rebuild a positive energy system within this world 💜

[@christar9527]

I appreciate your comment because I didn’t know that Jung did that kind of work. I see a definite connection between psychology and spirituality especially when it comes to narcissism. I’m going to look into Jung as well. Thanks.

[@nicolabyrne-yx8oh]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/r33blGiidqyFfpY Hope this helps you on your journey of discovery. Carl Jung was way ahead of his time which opened him up to be a Scapegoat at times in the academic arena. I value his bravery and his search for a deeper meaning. If God gave me one wish it would be to have dinner with my hero Carl Jung ☺

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Nicola - Jung (along with Maslow) are considered the first transpersonally-oriented theorists, initiating what is known as the '4th wave' of psychology. It was Jung's work that inspired me to go to a transpersonally-oriented graduate school (where I later served as core faculty). Glad you're here!

[@mores5780]

Thank you so much, you are the first to validate what's happened to me. I've just started to try to figure it out. Have you heard of, like for me, a N mother and GC sister one too, me the SG. They turned the NEXT generation to continue the SG'ing? i.e. her children. At family events they would all "joke" about me, from when the kids were little to now adults.

[@lacecurtainirish]

That was my experience as well. I’ve been no contact with all of them for a little over 2 years. I’m sorry that happened to you. Hoping you’re okay now.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome! Family scapegoating behaviors are often transmitted from one generation down to the next, particularly when it is the Family Projective Identification Process fueling the abuse.

[@mores5780]

@@lacecurtainirish thank you I hope so for you too🥰My sister passed away, and her kids want nothing to do with more. So better but hard to face the truth too. Just starting the journey though I'm old..always thought it was me that was bad.

[@katiemiller4187]

My hubby's family makes little jokes and jabs at him.. it's sad.. I usually see it.. he doesn't see them being toxic when it's clear as day.. I have had my run ins with them by telling them the truth 😅 well that didn't go well.. I keep my distance and am civil.. it's all I can do for now.. they are so fake it's ain't even funny .

[@janegreen5301]

I always thought something was wrong with me but I had no idea what it was. Use to always wish someone would please tell me what I was doing wrong and I would not do it anymore. What a difficult way to navigate life. Keep going healing and joy are around the corner.

[@janegreen5301]

Thank you Rebecca. Thank you that you take the time to explain. You are a good teacher. I am a recipient of the "double whammy". It was finding you and your work where I first heard that you can heal from this abuse, your naming it was/is SO BENEFICIAL. It opened the door for understanding and knowledge and wisdom and SOME FRESH AIR to breathe. I have hope.....a different hope than I had known before. I am grateful. The loss of hope was very hard for me. These words of Joni Eareckson Tada resonate with me: "Over time I learned to rest in the Branch, expecting nothing, railing at nothing, and not begrudging others when they aren't able to empathize. I don't even mind when they drift away....." I have received Peace. "...Peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble." TRUTH is costly but priceless. What more can I say but THANK YOU. Easter Blessings,Jane.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That is a beautiful quote, Jane. It describes what I refer to as 'radical acceptance'. Have a Blessed Easter!

[@janegreen5301]

Joni's words do describe "radical acceptance " !!! That's what I thought of when I first read her words. Do you know of Joni? She broke her neck over 50 years ago. Been in a wheelchair all this time. She's written many books, paints beautiful pictures with her mouth. And has a world wide ministry. That quote is about her acceptance of her situation......from her latest book "SONGS OF SUFFERING". Thanks Rebecca. Jane

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I think there is a movie out (a very old one) about her life - is that the same one?

[@janegreen5301]

Yes ma'am, she wrote the book in 1976...movie came out after that. I have two heroes in life, joni is one of them for many reasons but she's the one I learned from regarding suffering and pain. She showed me a different perspective....like walking into a garden gate....where suffering, pain, and grief turn from ashes to beauty. God has used joni's life in a deep way in my own life and many others. No platitudes or trite words just the gracious Truth and compassion. :) Jane

[@angelcity007]

I totally appreciate your reminder to us all that childhood trauma is the foundation for NPD. Yes, the facts and research matter...

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I agree, Angelica. And can aid in the abuse survivor's healing, I have found as a practitioner.

[@eleanorjohnson1313]

I really felt it when you said don’t give up hope. Thank you so much. I really look forward to and appreciate your Saturday videos ❤. It’s hard to overstate what a relief it is to know someone really understands and there are many of us. Witnessing the support and understanding and validation my friend receive from all those around her while leaving her cheating narcissist husband is in sharp contrast to how my well meaning friends respond to my story (uncomprehension/avoidance/questioning/minimising/discomfort/more avoidance). Thanks again.

[@christar9527]

I feel for you. Family scapegoating is something that people can’t relate to or maybe are unaware of when it’s happening. It’s excruciating to go through.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

As I often say, FSA adult survivors need their #metoo moment - but there is so much "explaining" to do that it is unlikely to happen. And even when one explains it very well (as I do in my book) it will often be disregarded, denied, and dismissed by the perpetrator(s).

[@hobocode]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yesssssssss

[@LisaRichards_123]

Now that my parents are passed away, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Not that I’m happy they passed away, but my mother being gone is a huge burden off my shoulders, as she was diagnosed with NPD.

[@user-ts3sw2tk6o]

I really struggle with the moral aspect in all this. I don’t condone my family’s behaviour & will continue to keep a safe distance from them. How is this behaviour going to change by demonising othering & labelling them ? Yes we need to support each other & call out this appalling abuse but I agree entirely with Rebecca about the sliding scale when it comes to narcissism & common sense facts & truth must prevail or we all run the risk of slipping into the same patterns of segregation division & stalemate. Education compassion forgiveness not just for them but for ourselves. I know the whole truth now & while I’m most definitely not going to allow my family to abuse me anymore I refuse to mirror they’re behaviour by labelling & shaming them. I am so relieved to find Rebecca there are too many so called professionals here on KZbin spouting hate and condemnation it makes me sick to my stomach have we learned nothing! Love & compassion It’s the hardest thing to do when healing from abuse but for me personally seeking solutions not retaliating is the only way forward, I know this will make me unpopular but living fully in my truth & integrity is the only way now.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said, Pat. Grateful that there are people like you who are open to hearing about Family Systems as well as clinical facts related to family scapegoating and dysfunctional and narcissistic family processes. 50-plus years of theory and research within the Family Systems field on this issue (including in regard to the family 'Identified Patient') should not be forgotten or go to waste. I'm glad I can help get that knowledge back out there so it can be added to the wider conversation.

[@kristienvanlaar5637]

Yes !!! Dysfunctional and narcisstic, I'm the scapegoat who comes from such a devastating family. I had to cut them off all, had no other option, because my health is suffering so hard, i have to chose for my own happiness and health, even i'm very empathic and have always been very loyal to them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"Loyalty" can also tie into trauma bonding. I just published a detailed article about this today in regard to FSA survivors - It's over on my Substack (you can subscribe for free). Link to article here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/how-trauma-bonding-impacts-adult

[@kristienvanlaar5637]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you very much!!!

[@kristienvanlaar5637]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse the strange thin is: i'm the most loyal child out of 4, i'm the most rejected one and i'm also the scapegoat of my family. Everybody hates me thanks of my covert malignant narc mother who is so devastating and jealous of me as well. She really has destroyed everything in my life. I have lost my whom because of all her rejection and hate towards me since my birth. She wanted to have a boy and not a girl, and so, as a girl, she couldn' handle it in another way just than punishing me for the rest of my life, rejecting me, scapegoating me, etc.... She is using me as her emotional punching bag; I have now moved out all my stuff out of their house and so, I can really cutt them off for the rest of my life. I'm 47 now, i hope my nexct second half of my life can start and be a peacevol happy and healthy one.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

May it be so. Linking you to my resource list for additional education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@CplBaker]

I think you have to be able to empathize in some way with your family member who runs the toxic "dynamic" to be able to see the whole reality that they were trying to hide through putting up a false self and by scapegoating a child.

[@sunshinerain5676]

"Soul Homicide" -- that was a turning point for me when the narcissist followed me into the attic where I was trying to find a moment of solitude/peace & they tried to keep me from praying. That was the 1st time I stood up for myself, I remember I stood up and screamed, "You can take my body and my mind, but you will NEVER take my soul!" I'm not sure where that came from -- but it came from deep unconscious part of myself... All the other abuse continued, but they never tried to stop me from praying again.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Powerful! I hope you are safely away from that now. Here's a survivor resource list I put together in case you are looking for some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

Thank you so much, Rebecca Mandeville, from the bottom of my heart for this scapegoating series. It has been validating my very sore feelings about separation from my toxic family. ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome!

[@sugarpuddin]

In my 60s now. Completely cutting my family off has led to a great deal of surprising, profound and sustaining healing. By releasing them from my life it is if my spirit is free to heal and to grow! Many surprising things continue to occur: I find myself suddenly not as consumed by others or my environment; I am self focused in ways I never imagined; a great deal of general undefined anxiety dissipated; and much more. I often experience moving dreams of wrestling with and defeating my detractors. Suddenly I can recognize others who aren't mentally well and find it easy to disconnect any personal concern.... I become invulnerable to people who would disturb me in the past. My identity is moving into the light. In summary, I am certain much healing cannot happen until you terminate attachment to your narcissistic overlords. It is truly surprising to see and feel the profound shift that comes with letting go!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I appreciate your laser-focused comment. Your words suggest you have reached that place I refer to in my writings and videos as ‘radical acceptance’. Regarding your becoming invulnerable to these types: This reminds me of one of my favorite lines from the Tao Te Ching: “The sword enters the Sage…but does not penetrate…”.

[@sugarpuddin]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am grateful for your kind words. They inspire, give energy to move along forward. “The sword enters the Sage…but does not penetrate…” - Well said. I think it means the ego is not vulnerable to the slings and arrows thrust upon it. ‘radical acceptance’ - I think that is one of the keys to life. Only recently have I come to believe the Universe is Well Managed. I should just ride the current, over the white water rapids, and enjoy those moments of tranquility when they come. I moved from NYC to Nature Island (former British colony) about five years ago. The land is pristine and unspoiled and crime is nearly non-existent. The most beautiful thing of all: The People. Nature Island is a rare quark of nature. When I first came here, moving up into the mountains looking to the Caribbean in the distance, I would marvel peacefully as the shadows of the setting sun cast it’s glance along the mountains, and the mountain villages in the distance would light up. For about an hour before the setting sun the clouds turn thrilling colors I could never describe here. I truly lack the eloquence to express the beauty of it. The vast distances and open space between me and the far away villages altered my perspective. It made me feel very small. My problems shrank in proportion. Over time I started asking questions I was always too busy to consider. I am older - Soon I will pass away. Just what is the purpose of life? Who has time for that sort of thinking in NYC? Over time I came to decide the purpose of living: developing joy, deep contentment and expressing creativity. And finding joy with these loving people on this island! I truly have felt nothing better in my entire life! Life in the Western world revolves around spread sheets: it serves the ‘bottom line’. There is no place in a spread sheet to account for ‘humanity’. In places like NYC, money & power has become the primary currency of ‘human value’. In NYC, good deeds, compassion & empathy and thoughtful exchanges for the benefits of others hold little value in the big city streets. To be sure, such things are considered frivolous at best or a weakness at worst. I suspect that for much of the Western World, money is the new god; and, greed & consumption of consumer goods are the new religion. I live in the mountains on Nature Island. Every day I drive down the mountains to exercise in a gym. As I drive, I try to take-in every ounce of the nature around me: the exploding flowers of the Flamboyant Trees, the many palm trees, flowing mango tees, prehistoric ferns whose leaves stretch 12 feet, cascading waterfalls, the magical mountain peaks that are draped with a curtain of enchanted cloud cover. When I drive through the little hamlets the people wave and wish me a good morning; people in passing cars wave; and, the effervescent hitchhikers I pick up bring me great delight. As I drive down, I can see ahead the many people outside there in the gardens, working, and so on. And being that this is Dominica (not the Dominican Republic), the mountainous topography forces everyone to be very close to the roadside. Like daily clockwork, the villagers see me coming down the steep road; they know I am that nutty guy that wildly waves & shouts out silly life-affirmations. Despite this, they forgive me and play along. It makes them smile, and smile more… And they give good vibrations back! With the help of these beautiful people, I create my joy! It is only the beginning. Every day I pray for truth - despite the outcome, enlightenment, and change for the better. To me, THAT is real human value! That is healing! People are a tremendous source of joy and validation. Peace and Blessings from Nature Island

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I read every word of this, and am the better for it. I have the good fortune to live on an after-dune 300 feet from the ocean. And so, in my own way, I do understand the transformative effects of living in such a place of beauty with people who are not driven by the typical things valued in this post-industrial world. If you write a book, let me know about it. You are a gifted writer, indeed.

[@sugarpuddin]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am extremely grateful for your very kind words. I want to extend my heartfelt appreciation to you! Blessings from Nature Island

[@fightswithspirits915]

Wow, you've really done some in-depth research and analysis with many new insights. I seem to recall my family kidding and laughing about being dysfunctional. That was an easy call, super obvious. The "narcissism" can be so in-your-face or so well-hidden and so emotionally destruction its all invisible to the victims. The offenders absolutely know what's going on. NB: I made a joke to my sister about my brothers "laying of hands on her", a christian terminology, for when she visited a family gathering. She interpreted that as "I found her out". She blew up my sibling's phones. After the dust settled, a stumbled across a narc cult family video. It step by step mirrored how sis kicked me out of the family. Best day ever. OMG, thanks for the Dr Jung quote. I don't have a soul. As you say, it was homicide. I'm Narc-Not-Narc. A Narc with brain damage due to a virus that released part of my sense of self, but the soul was long gone as was the love.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Soul retrieval possible?

[@fightswithspirits915]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse The part of my self that was returned came from an infinite abyss of nothingness where nothing ever returns. I had full awareness and understanding of the event. as you would say, transpersonal. A transpersonal event. it could be a test to see if I can get my soul back, but everything points to protective forces saving me from death, but sending me back to the abyss when life is done. I'm so angry at coward little me who filed himself away. If I ever meet him I'm going to punch his little face.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@fightswithspirits915 Have you watched my videos on traumatized 'parts' in association with complex trauma and structural dissociation? A different way to (possibly) re-conceptualize what you are describing...

[@fightswithspirits915]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I will now! I did watch a structural dissociation earlier today. I wept.

[@SpiritofSaintOlga]

My family worked against me before I was even born. They chose me as the family scapegoat and still, to this day, try to get me to end my life. I was only needed for a green card. Everything else was bonus abuse for them. I just laugh at them now. I have proof of their abuse and neglect so I can just slap it down and it makes them run away, every time.

[@miriamevans5200]

The family never let's the truth get in the way of a good story.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's a great line. May I borrow it? (!)

[@miriamevans5200]

Absolutely

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Wow - such an inspiring message of liberation and truth at the end. Brought to tears, as usual. God bless you my sister-in-arms. My hat's off to you ❤😊❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you so much, Kimberly.

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

Thank you Rebecca! I feel both empowered and at the same time sad. I'm very interested in hearing about what you may observe in the therapyroom with families. I feel I have some trauma from trying therapy with my family. They didn't want to go and became more abusive after I asked them to. Then we went for a few sessions, maybe three or four. It was a nightmare. They acted completely different in therapy from at home. I cryed and felt so alone. My family acted as if I either had a mental condition or was the one being abusive. In therapy they looked like loving and patient parents, they looked kind and concerned but it was a facade. I got no kindness and concern behind closed doores. I can't even describe my feelings back then, I was in so much pain. To them my feelings were even more proof that I was defective.

[@christar9527]

Oh my. I’ve heard that you should never take a narcissist into a therapy session with you. They’ll do what you said they did. I think only a rare few,like Rebecca, would be able to see what is really going on with the family.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I do not recommend this UNLESS the FSA adult survivor brings their own therapist with them into the session AND the family therapist and this individual therapist are coordinating treatment to ensure no harm is done to the scapegoated family member and that there is no family 'mobbing'/bullying going on in the session. Without these built-in safeguards, the family therapy session could indeed re-traumatize the FSA adult survivor. Seen it happen far too many times via reports from clients (before they found me) and FSA research participants.

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

I was so very naive at that point in my life. I went to a therapiest and she made me question how my family treated me. She taught me about familydynamics and told me I was being scapegoated. Up until then I belived everything I was told about myself. My family was like a cult. Most naively I belived my family at the core were loving people not wanting to harm me. I thaught that if they just got educated on familydynamics and gained a few insights we would all be fine. Now I feel so stupid for thinking that way. I will always be defective in their eyes, their viewpoint is cemented.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Emma, here is an article I wrote on FSA and self-care. Please read #6, which addresses safety concerns regarding participating in family therapy. It can be done, but only under certain conditions. For example, the family must have ceased being abusive toward the FSA, AND, the FSA adult survivor should have their own therapist who comes with them to the family sessions and coordinates treatment with the family therapist. I mention this in my book as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, which you might want to read). www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/09/08/10-self-care-tips-for-adult-survivors-of-family-scapegoating/

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

Thank you. No wonder therapy didn't work out for me and my family. I feel validated when reading the article. I can't say enough how much I appreciate your videos and articles. I have not yet read the book but are planning to. It has helped me feel more secure in my decisions. And I'm beginning to get in touch with feelings of anger and grief that haven't got access to before. I feel so lucky and thankful for that.

[@shelleyraven9396]

I am 62 and just realizing fully the horrid abuse I have endured since a baby. My adult children go along with it. I have removed myself to focus on me now. God is the only one with me. I do not fit anywhere.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I hope you feel some sense of community with other survivors of this form of insidious abuse.

[@h0lyspiritual.sweetheart]

angel to angel im literally dragging to the keyboard typing with one hand draggeed down under dark attack so i knw this message is symbolic of course you are facing aall of this in your personal life. you are a powerful being, a pioneer charting territorites yur enemies and/or 'family' of origincould onlt dream of touching. your wisdom and genuine care and compassion has touched thousands- so far. you are legendary and overcame alot to taake that seat. your halo is showing. your experiences and love for others success has allowed to to the be first in yur field courageous enough to dive into topics which have impacted many with mental and physical scars from their abusers aka 'family' it is an honor to share this energy and space called earth with you excuse the typos not energy to proofred just being obeident signed, your sis in the fight

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

The Time Has Come... (thank you.)

[@h0lyspiritual.sweetheart]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse absolutely!! 🤐👁there's alot more houses of horror than we know and those of us who see the invisible scars are being called into formation no weapons or evilness can block that💛💥

[@sandyhowell164]

Thank you for helping families and putting this information out there I'm grateful for your time.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Sandy. Glad you're here. New video comes out today (Saturday) at 11 am PST.

[@proofpositive11]

Love everything about this video. And you too, Rebecca! I introduced one of my clients to your videos and now I see her half as often! 😊 Whatever is working toward her healing is fantastic.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great to hear and I always appreciate your taking time to check out my videos and refer people to my work on FSA. Hope you're doing well!

[@steevo8754]

Another powerful video. Just what i needed

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful!

[@BhavanaShivu]

I just ordered my copy of your book and plan on working on the Mindful self compassion workbook. Thank you for naming family scapegoat abuse and distinguishing between disfunctional families narcissistic family. I did experience the double whammy. My Mother is a fine example of NPD. My older sister was the golden child, I was the scapegoat and my brother was the boy (the prince) of our family. My Father suffered from Bipolar disorder that was never diagnosed. I knew my family did not love me but kept up my hope for decades. I finally gave up on expecting love and approval from my family members when I turned 49. My Father passed away last October at age 90 and I did not attend the cremation ceremony. At age 35, when I had two sons of my own, 5 & 9, I started suffering from a major sleep malfunction and daily cycling between anxiety and depression. My symptoms were diagnosed as rapidly cycling bipolar disorder (type II, not harmful to others) 10 years after they first appeared, but my sister was already claiming that I am dangerous. My sister is most definitely now a NPD herself. It was my therapist who told me that my Father had bipolar based on my description. My Mother never accepted that, she told me I was the only sick person in our family. My family members put me down for pretending to be sick. I have always undermined my suffering. Thank you Dr. Rebecca Mandeville for naming my suffering and validating me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Powerful examples of the insidious nature of FSA and how difficult it is to be validated and access appropriate help. Linking you to this video you might be interested in regarding traumatic invalidation and FSA: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnO0ZomoltejZ8k

[@linemadore6231]

Could not come to terms with the fact that I had a narcissist mother and was the scapegoat of the family until now. That I am almost 61 😮 But hey never too late to go non contact. I’m ready and relieved and happy … I have built a life surrounded by my tribe now. Who suggested that we create 😂a scapegoat association? What a great idea. Imagine how empowering this is

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I would love it if someone would - I don't have the bandwidth to do so, unfortunately.

[@dennisryan6370]

Listening to you speak makes me smile....Folks who've healed from living this nightmarish metric in earlier days are very calm, very much at peace with themselves now...

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is the sand that makes the pearl... (thank you).

[@dnk4559]

Thank you Rebecca. You continue to give me so much hope!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome!

[@user-kw9nm6ep3c]

Good morning, I have been watching your videos and find them meaningful and validating. I been on the receiving side of severe child abuse. I've been to several group and one-on-one therapy sessions throughout my life. I have found, painfully many therapists whom are not knowledged of family based-trauma. This one therapist I saw when I was in my twenties wanted my sadistic, scapegoating mother to come to my sessions. I was shocked, resentful, and, of course kept my mouth shut. Had I been the age I am now I wouldn't have terminated the therapy. Instead in a dyfunctional, uninformed gesture on my part, I invited my mother to come. My mother refused. I still shudder to think of this. In retropect, I think I still struggle with people who don't want to face that motherhood for some of us was a dark, frightening experience. Beloved, if you experience this in therapy, run or walk away. Many blessings to you all!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I discuss this in my FSA self-care article and in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed): Great caution and certain steps must be taken in regard to family scapegoating and family therapy sessions and are not typically recommended due to family mobbing dynamics that can occur, retraumatizing the FSA adult survivors.

[@andrearush6209]

Thank you for the end of this. It's been a LONG road to understanding my story but now that I do, I see things so differently now. Hearing others share their stories and the totality of their healing is so hopeful and encouraging. For the first time in very long time, I feel like I have definitive hope. There are no words for how good that feels.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So wonderful to hear this. Here's a list of resources I put together for FSA survivors, if you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@infinitetrinity2436]

Thank you so very much for this video ma'am! I truly do appreciate it very much!❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful!

[@blakeshroyer627]

I believe my own mother treated me wrong at times, but did a great job of raising me. My parents took me to church growing up and taught me right from wrong. Years ago back in the day my mom did in fact steal 25 letters I had received from colleges to play football or wrestle. She just took those letters like it wasn't a deal at all and when I asked her about it she just walked away. Also I have discovered that my parents and several family members did in fact visit the local sheriffs dept and try to put me in prison, they lied against me to the officials.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is a pity when parents teach us right from wrong, yet continue to commit the 'wrongs'. themselves, to the detriment of their children. Thank you for being here.

[@Pookie786]

Hey everyone.i am from pakistan and i am a family scapegoat.i hv gone completely no contact recently but ill be getting married soon and in our culture the boys family culturally keeps terms with girls family.i am terrified to predict how those dynamics are going to be and how i am going to protect myself from them.

[@lisadee8797]

Thank you Rebecca. You do a great job, I’m so happy to find you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome.

[@Susanne-B.]

Helpful content! The second youngest (of many, the youngest 'court jester': royal court). No, not openly, behind my back. A dream by running all the time. One, the reversal of guilt. Intense dreams. Or one, irritated me so, because I did not know whether the test is still before, or already behind me. Knowing, it has a lot to do in my eyes with knowing, being able to understand. As you describe the disorder, I thought of lack of orientation. (And my place-orientation ability is indeed not good, besides.) What I found interesting, from a speech I only remembered one sentence. When I read it again later, because I hadn't understood the rest, must be the reason. U. U. not insignificant, childhood cannot be reconstructed. A lot. Besides, understanding the (psychological) problems of the parents. The rules of the family system. U. U. one has a partner who continuously enacts drama, and doesn't get the idea your origin family is 'missing' you, and even after 20-30-40 years... I thought a narcissist has his 'toolbox', rather does not change. But (how a narcissist act), it is not such a burden, for him. That really helps me. There are a lot of fairy tales someone wears an animal skin (in ancient times adult stories, ... ends differently). Openness is so+so positive, propagated, not exactly helpful, in that case. 'Till death do you part' marriage, is in the past, time we reflected on that.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You have a wonderful and intriguing writing style. I love the non-linear, almost poem-like descriptions you give. Thank you, Susanne.

[@Susanne-B.]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks too.

[@deborahdrew2065]

You spoke so truly to what I am experiencing at this time.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you found this video, it is from my clinical playlist here on the home page of my channel.

[@catherinewylie6959]

I am just now (in my 50s) starting to take better care of myself and honor what happened (though there is a part of me that still wonders, "Wast it really that bad?") But yes, it is that bad if it's bothered me for most of my life. I am having a rude awakening about how much this kind of pain derailed a lot of things in my life. I I hope it's not too late to heal. Your book totally laid out what happened and continues to happen, albeit it in sometimes subtle ways. But just six years ago, I was completely verbally abused by my step-mother during a family medical crisis (when she didn't need my help anymore after five weeks) over things Ii cannot help about myself - mostly chronic illness. Supposedly, it's all in my head and I'm really just some loser. I immediately went into fight mode and unloaded what I've always thought of her right back. I then left in the middle of a cold Montana night with her endorsement. She ran to my father in the nursing home, where he was recovering, pretending to be all sorry about it. I had stayed in a hotel and then went to talk to hm about what happened, and to tell him I might not ever see him again. He seemed very supportive and sad about the whole thing, and asked me to at least come visit for his sake. ( I still have a hard time figuring out if I'm genuinely that much cared about or not.) And then he asked me, in my completely still traumatized state, to please call my step-mother and let her know I'm okay, so she feels better ...I told him I would not. I happened to have an appointment with my doctor on my way back home. I told him, "Maybe she's right about me " He said to me, "I've known you for 16 years and she is not right about you. Not at all." Sorry this got so long. I love your work and it's really helping me. When you said, "FSA can be subtle" that really helped me to see the ways in which it's continued to happen. I don't fit into their cult of narcissism and the successful family. I also grew up with an alcoholic father, so thanks for discussing the addiction component too. I was accused of doing all the things he was doing, especially after he quit drinking. It got worse because now he was more self-righteous in his sobriety and never made "direct amends" to me, just projected all that shame of his own onto me. He was the family scapegoat, too.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm glad you got my book and that it has helped you gain insight in regard to the insidious, subtle dynamics that are common with FSA. You may want to join my FSA Education community over on Substack as a free or paid subscriber - it would be great to have you there. More information here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about

[@catherinewylie6959]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am already planning on it - the paid version. Thanks. I need community. I'm just now beginning to get myself out of these situations.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear - I look forward to seeing you there!

[@EarInn]

Thank you for this work. It is sooo needed, and has been needed for a long time. Understanding of these dynamics has been completely missing from what has passed as psychotherapy--very sadly for the scapegoats trying to escape from the tangle of lies, manipulation, and unconsciousness alone.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome. I make this same point in the video I'm releasing this Saturday on Family Mobbing so you may want to watch it. A video that likely will have limited to no monetization, by the way, because it is not 'advertiser friendly' for me to use 'family' and abuse' in the same title or sentence. Hence my dependency these days on channel memberships to remain here on KZbin. Unbelievable.

[@KChrisWatching]

Thank you ❤ It is so valuable that there is a pattern that exists and you are not at fault.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. Education is so critical when it comes to understanding (and recovering) from this form of systemic abuse.

[@mystrength5640]

Thank you., Soo much for your helpful advice.. I’m new on your videos, and they most relevant.. Jenny 🙏🏻🐣💕🌸

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome - and glad to have you here!

[@MammaBear1108]

I'm at a loss of words, I'm in tears after watching this. I have been driving myself crazy trying to understand why -this, and why- that... I've never had anyone I could explain the big picture to and have them believe me. That one person could go through so much, have what appears as terrible bad luck. I can now compartmentalize some of my trauma, a lot of it. But there's actually more levels that go deeper, other layers that I've experienced and now I feel must learn the rest. I need answers because my healing seems impossible without my having the understanding and knowledge of what exactly happened. Can there be multiple narcissists who are unaware of each other, within both types of dysfunctional family unit? And on top of that, can those multiple narcissists also be sociopaths and addicts? It feels like exactly what you've described, but even more so. I won't ask if that's possible because I know it is, I've lived it. But has there been data or anything recorded on its affect if on the family scapegoat or how is one supposed to put their life together , to begin to heal, and find themselves after coming out of THAT?! Where do I even start? If I haven't heard anything close till this now, how can I get any idea of where I should even start if nobody is even discussing the topics? I honestly don't know where to even start. I feel like I have complex trauma X 4, and I mean that in all seriousness. I feel desperate for these answers, I'm sorry. I by no means am trying to discount anyones own personal experience, but it's been nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to locate ANYONE, ANYWHERE who has even come close to recognizing or explaining what has happened to me. The longer this goes on, the not understanding it all, it pushes me further and further away from hope at ever finding peace within myself because it consumes me. It has quite literally made me so sick. I always think to myself that this can't possibly be real, but every day, I wake up, and it's real. Where can I learn about extreme cases of exactly what you described here, because that's where I need to be looking. I'm so grateful and appreciative of this post, I can't even tell you. I very much needed this as validation that I wasn't just being sensitive or making it up in my head. Now I KNOW what I already knew. You validated it for me, I know I'll never get it from them. I'm so glad I went no contact, this has reaffirmed to me, that I made the right decision. If I stayed allowing the abuse to continue, I never would have made it here. I'm beyond grateful. Thank you for giving me that crack of light, as you referenced the singer, Cohen... today, within the cracks, I saw the light, and within that light, you gave me the ray of hope that I desperately needed. Someday I'll have the answers. Words can't thank you enough. (I'm trying to imagine what peace feels like, and now I know it may be possible)

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So many powerful and important questions. If my work on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) is new to you, I suggest you start by reading my book and checking out these resources on this page I'm linking you to. My book is linked at the top. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@bonnieyuse5876]

My Total Covert Narc X went to Therapy...he played the Poor Paul, Woe is me and l'm the Victim Card...he's Twisted!

[@bonnieyuse5876]

It's the Red Pill (think Fire) and the Blue Pill of Passivity

[@bonnieyuse5876]

Both my X and l had Abusive Parents...but my Dad was more Physically and his Mom was more Physically Abusive.

[@roseblondie692]

You are so helpful in understanding my family situation. I appreciate you, thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you. Glad you're here. Linking you to my list of resources in case you need additional support. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@blakcanis]

Great discussion. The Wizardvof Oz analogy is a good one. I hear you on looking at the narcissist/psychopaths from the perspective that they're operating from their own wounds and it can help us understand why they are the way they are, it's not giving them a free pass in any shape or form, it's just seeing it for what it is. My thinking is,and it's just my thoughts, they're actually operating and suffering from the severest form of CPTSD where their whole existence operates in a traumatized state of being that has disconnected them completely from self in a constant state of CPTSD response not even knowing what its like being a human being with emotions, feelings etc. It's like a wild animal being raised in captivity by people that has lost its true identity as to what it is to be it's true natural authentic self. It's not really showing compassion for these types or even excusing it. It's just seeing it for what it is. Again great discussion.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are a breath of fresh air. Seriously. It is this perspective that causes much hullabaloo here on KZbin when I mention this, but the fact is, anyone with NPD is operating from primitive intrapsychic constellations. As you say, this is not to give such people a 'pass' on their abusive behaviors; but we need not demonize them and make them into "scary monsters and super creeps" (David Bowie). Although I will say, when you add in malignant narcissism with antisocial / psychopathic / sadistic features, one may experience the sensation that they are indeed staring into the face of evil. And evil, in my opinion (and personal experience) does indeed exist.

[@blakcanis]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you. Yes, I agree, I've experienced the evil myself personally by these types. And with that, if we demonize we run the risk of becoming apathetic ourselves and living in the same judgement that harmed us vs living and seeing things thru discernment and looking at the bigger picture. Its like all narcissists aren't psychopathic, but all psychopaths are narcissists just like how you mention that not all dysfunctional families aren't narcissistic family's, but narcissistic family dynamics are dysfunctional family's . The main thing is for people to understand that either way the end result harms us just the same either way to varying degrees. Keep sharing your knowledge and experience, it's much needed these days.🕊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

And please keep watching and commenting - Your insights are valued here by me - and I'm sure some others - and greatly needed (!)

[@wendywright5486]

This was a really good video especially for people who don't understand how this is happening

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is an 'oldie but goodie' - Not that many people have seen it; one of the videos that didn't get picked up by the YT algorithm. Glad you found it.

[@markyarbrough5511]

I think the expression you were looking for was "ten ways to Sunday." Thanks for your insights.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you! And I bet I was also thinking of that old movie (Burt Reynolds??) 'Any which way but loose' - and there was also a song, I think. (I am dating myself, but...)

[@markyarbrough5511]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse think it all applies on the context. It seems the "to Sunday" expression has a variety of numbers expressed with it and is an old one that some believe was about punishment meted out to parishioners for being late to services. But I can certainly relate to the phenomenon of being the recipient of diverse and multitudinous abuse flavors from a family of narcissistic mental cases. New subscriber. Looking forward to more content. I have studied psychology among other subjects for several decades to heal and understand.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Nice to have you here, Mark. Check out my playlists on the home page of my channel. You also may want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - it gives many people some critical "A-ha!" moments and fills in some missing puzzle pieces.

[@lisarainbow9703]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Clint Eastwood, actually... 😊

[@markyarbrough5511]

@@lisarainbow9703 And Ruth Gordon, I believe.

[@Natty183]

So incredibly helpful. I'm floored by how understood I feel.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad it was helpful! If you related strongly to this video, you may also want to read my introductory guide on FSA, Rejected Shamed and Blamed.

[@Natty183]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I absolutely will. Thank you for your work. ❤️

[@tompatterson6626]

I wish I knew what children experience who have nurturing mothers. I had an abusive one. She is 82 and has gotten so much worse. She can’t use the whip or the hot wheels track anymore so she reverts to removing me from the will of a very wealthy estate.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My FSA research suggests this often happens in regard to estates and inheritances.

[@MylonMoses]

Thank you for posting this ! It is good to know that we can in time become whole!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Absolutely! Linking you to my resource page for FSA adult survivors in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@lilac624]

I was emotionally and mentally abused by two female narcs and their parent seemed to be a narc too

[@ClickTrain]

I love the comparison of being a Golden Child to eating too much candy!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I didn't even know I was going to say that. But it is an apt analogy, indeed...

[@butterflysouthey4497]

It's taken me 52 years

[@LisaRichards_123]

A family is only as healthy as the parents

[@MeeshIsHere]

It truly has helped. 💜

[@butterflysouthey4497]

I lived through both god bless you 🙏

[@robertafierro5592]

The answer is YES !

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Rebecca

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Thank you again.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Suzanne.

[@laurajane4806]

UR Awesome!! 💜

[@johnpetrie6687]

Thank you, Barbara! Another great video! Really great information that is very helpful.👍😊

[@johnpetrie6687]

*Rebecca, pardon me!😬

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I think you mean Rebecca, but I appreciate the comment!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

No worries - !

[@rcristy]

Its a conundrum for me that narcassists are damaged, they do immense damage, yet I'm compelled to forgive on one level for my own mental health, that which I find unforgivable. 🤪🙃🤷

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'll be doing a video on forgiveness vs radical acceptance soon. I also mention this in my most recent video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/p6iof62AhtRsaKs

[@mariacliment2767]

Thani you ALWAYS Rebeca❤. Thank you for helping us.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome, Maria.

[@sandyhowell164]

Thank you for sharing

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. Thanks for watching!

[@Cowgirlkate]

Thank you ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome 😊

[@DHW256]

Wow! So, perhaps this is why our mother chose to make her first-born, illegitimate daughter her first-chair golden child, and her middle son her net second-chair golden child, while the rest of us (Dad's first two children, Mom and Dad's oldest son (me) and her youngest son) primarily served as her scapegoats. She saw her "predicament" in her own daughter (as a girl) and her middle son (as a middle child). As a child, I confronted Mom many times about the two golden children' aberrant behavior, for which I got punished, and she'd lash out even more, or break down sobbing while making excuses for the others (ex., "I'm just afraid - him being the middle child - that he's gonna kill himself!"). By the time I left college, I described myself to others as "Mom's least favorite child", and it wasn't until the youngest scapegoat witnessed Mom's behavior -- when we kids were in our 40s -- that he understood just how bad it always had been. Yet, as you suggest somewhat, it seems the abuse was rampant, and likely negatively affected the golden children as much as it did us scapegoats, and they still suffer because they can't or won't come to grips with what transpired from our births to this day.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very insightful comment. Thank you.

[@CICKXZY]

There's only one person we came to save on this earth & that's ourselves ' Karl Yung '

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed. One of my favorite quotes from Carl Jung.

[@mikesmith6594]

This video resinates I am a scapegoat!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@kmoon50]

Note: SIBLINGS stay in accord with the Narcissist... not just to stay .. but also.. to GET SUPPORT for their MUTUAL NEED to project onto the SCAPEGOAT. I call them "psycho soulmates".... they need each other, to bolster the lie about the scapegoat.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

And of course, we know from decades of research in the Family Systems field that the Family Projective Identification Process (which is similar to a shared psychosis in that the entire system is believing in a false reality) happens also in families that are not narcissistic in structure - Dysfunctional family systems with trans/intergenerational trauma in particular.

[@ohboy7790]

Wonderful.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Many thanks!

[@charlesp.8555]

Yes.

[@sherrysharisherrie]

Does the golden child ever figure out their role and their caustic part in the family ? Or how they became the narcissists voice (after the parent passed) ? I have so many questions.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Rarely, but I've seen it a few times over the past 20 years, as reported to me by clients.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Rarely. You may want to read my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, which will address many of your questions, I'm guessing. Link to it is at the top of this resource list I put together for survivors: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

I was the Scapegoat in a raging, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family. My older sister was the Golden Child. I look just like our enabling, codependent mother. My sister looks just like our domineering father. She fawned. I fought. Until I was 12, that is and then I gave up. At the same time, my sister, who was 15, rebelled. She escaped. I was trapped. My sister went away to college. My mother begged me to stay and protect her from my dad. And I did. A mutual friend of ours once said, "You and your sister are so different. She expects everything and that's what she gets. And you expect nothing and that's what you get." Painful, but true. My sister has become just like our Dad, only she hits with her words instead of her hands. She's a manipulative, controlling, entitled, raging nightmare. And I have become a self-hating, people pleasing, codependent. When my father was dyimg, he told me to take care of my mom. He didn't ask my siblings. He didn't ask me. He told me. And so, I am my elderly mother's full-time caregiver. I take care of the mother who never really took care of me. I literally never escaped. We don't all get out.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So very sorry to hear this. Here's a list of resources I put together for more information and support regarding FSA: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources