Why FAMILY SCAPEGOATING ABUSE (FSA) Causes TOXIC SHAME

Join my online educational and peer-support community for FSA adult survivors on Substack. Learn more by visiting familyscapegoathealing.substa...
Are you an adult survivor of family scapegoating abuse (FSA) and feeling stuck or blocked in your recovery efforts? It may be due to your unconsciously holding a tremendous amount of 'toxic shame' - yet you are not even aware of this. Licensed psychotherapist and Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville (author of the best-selling book on family scapegoating, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') explains how toxic shame develops in response to the damaging 'scapegoat narrative' and why it can be so debilitating to adult survivors of FSA and interfere with their recovery progress. She also shares how she helps her clients begin to recognize and release this form of deeply held shame so that they gradually are no longer triggered by it. See chapters (below) and trigger warning for more details.
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com/intro2fsa.
To learn how you can directly support my research on FSA and my ability to offer free resources to adult survivors, visit my Ko-fi site: ko-fi.com/scapegoatrecoveryre...
🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
0:00 - Intro
01:38 - Toxic Shame and the damaging Scapegoat Narrative
02:25 - If you're feeling stuck in your recovery...
03:24 - The lie that you're fundamentally flawed
05:29 - Dysfunctional Family Enmeshment (aka 'The Family Glob')
06:37 - Toxic Shame and the 'Fawn' Trauma Response
07:56 - About the Scapegoat Narrative
09:56 - Your body and Toxic Shame
12:12 - Being 'tarred and feathered' in groups / systems
13:49 - Which wolf are you going to feed?
15:30 - Silence is Complicity
18:46 - How Toxic Shame can sabotage your recovery
23:30 - Healing from Toxic Shame
Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in abusive family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in KZbin's Health Partner Program. You can visit her website at scapegoatrecovery.com.
💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecovery.com.
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) and is GENERAL and INFORMATIONAL in its scope. It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/you...
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✅ Check out more of my videos on FSA: • DYSFUNCTIONAL Family S...
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✅ For media inquiries contact me at [e-mail]
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🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
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🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suici... You might also find some appropriate resources here via this site for people struggling with complex trauma symptoms due to personality disordered parenting, etc. outofthefog.website/toolbox-1...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
#scapegoating #narcissisticfamily #dysfunctionalfamily #toxicfamily

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@supernova2875 Yes, I do try to. For some reason Amazon Australia keeps jacking up the price severely on my paperback, which I had listed at a very low price.

[@kristinhutson8359]

My therapist lended me her copy 😊

[@daveimus7274]

As a 65-year-old survivor of sadistic family scapegoating abuse, and in spite of having a great therapist, I have never had my experience validated as thoroughly as it is validated by you. And that is healing, and I thank you! Toxic shame? Oh, yeah. They convinced me I should be killed, so I thought they were saints for only torturing me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, this really does happen. Parents can be emotionally ill; mentally ill; personality disordered; malignant narcissists; even sociopathic. Why society has trouble acknowledging this, and acknowledging the TRAUMATIC NATURE of being 'raised' ('razed' would be more appropriate) by such parents is a question that needs to be answered - and addressed. STAT. I hope my work will aid in this critical endeavor. Glad you're (still) here, Dave.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Rebecca, I always write that I was "raised" by these would-be convicts. Actually, I raised myself and protected myself (best I could) through sheer will power and emotional intelligence. It was HORRIBLE and led to early onset addiction and other destructive tendencies (though I had sworn I would never go there.) When I truly woke up (only a few years ago) I had two mantras. 1) There is nothing WRONG with me! and 2) I deserve BETTER!! I only recently learned healthy boundaries and began to express rage. I recently told them all to "F" off one by one. The fight response finally showed itself. They never change. Ever. The fawn response and lack of proper boundaries led to repeated abuse and scapegoating in my adult life. So VERY sad for all of us. Psychosis or not - I feel there is absolutely no excuse for abusing children. I have zero tolerance and I feel they all belong UNDER the jail. As a very, very small child I would fantasize about having different parents, being saved by someone/anyone, and I would ask God why he put me with these crazy people/child abusers. I could cry today. I was a magnet for perpetrators my entire life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@kimberlymccracken747 Yes. Some of us lost many, many years to this - all you share here. I know for me, I certainly cherish my life today, free of the scapegoat's burdens. Perhaps I should say 'razed' versus 'raised'...(!)

[@kimberlymccracken747]

​​​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes "Razed" 🤷‍♀️ Mankind is more frightening than any beast roaming the earth. These fools don't scare me anymore. They've done all they could do to me. Every single person on both sides of the family sided with the abusers. Not standing up for the abused is also abusive.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Razed. Yes that is it. ​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

[@CBrown86]

Toxic shame is like a horrible song playing faintly in the background 365 days a year. You block it out but parts of your brain still hears the terrible, annoying, and draining music and it sucks your life force away

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great analogy. Another analogy is toxic shame is like the 'drone' note (constant, sustained) that can be heard in some traditional music in India (along with other forms of music).

[@Hawaiiansky11]

That is a very good description.

[@louisegarner8888]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse it'd be good to find a 🎶💖🎶 frequency to replace the 'drone' note so we could sustain higher vibes.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@louisegarner8888 This is what I hope to help with via my book, videos, and now my free Affirmation videos on this channel (a new one, Volume 3, comes out tomorrow).

[@lindamoses3697]

Two years ago I entered therapy and at that point I told the therapist that I had no friends and didn't want any. Now I wouldn't mind a friend but am too ill to get out and find one. God bless everyone out there in their healing.

[@erikalarsson]

God bless you .A friend

[@Knowledgewize1]

I will be your friend. I don't have any friends either. My name is Laura 🎉

[@gracieb.3054]

You probably won't see this, but I'm in the same exact boat. I'll be your friend!

[@Disc074]

I am just flat out afraid of humans anymore

[@louiepooh1510]

@@Disc074 Bingo, that right there! People got real man real quick.

[@wendyapfeldorf2120]

The scapegoated child started out just wanting to feel a sense of belonging in their family of origin. The scapegoated child was conditioned to believe that others are entitled to a sense of belonging in a group, but not the scapegoat. The scapegoat was also conditioned to believe that any efforts on their part to convince the group that they are worthy will fall flat. The scapegoat craves the connection they never received in their family, but simultaneously fears it, due to having been abused by the family in the course of seeking that connection. If the scapegoat self-isolates, they are lonely. If the scapegoat "puts themselves out there," they do so with anxiety. They were rejected for having done the same in their family of origin. It is triggering to see people and groups interacting seamlessly; after all, the toxic parent and golden sibling interacted seamlessly. The scapegoat may be accepted or rejected by the person or group. Judgmental questions may be asked of the scapegoat and the scapegoat may be shamed. Someone who initially accepts the scapegoat may later reject them as a result of a smear campaign. Manipulators may pretend to like the scapegoat but may just want a favor. The scapegoat was always deserving, then and now. The scapegoat knows that there are people in this world who will never believe that, and instead of trying to convince them, it is best just to move on.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Wendy. This is very true in narcissistic family systems, especially (versus dysfunctional families driven by generations of trauma with no narcissist present in the family, e.g., dynamics may shift more and there is not always a 'golden child').

[@PatriciaPrater-mw2ul]

Very well said and felt. This is exactly how it goes!

[@Grammamellow1]

Yes. I can read this over and over. Spot on.

[@tammybender]

Toxic Shame: The inheritance that keeps on giving, over and over and over again…until someone in the line says “I will no longer deal in the currency of shame.” hope you’re feeling better, Rebecca.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said, Tammy - and thank you. I'm preparing to start a series of treatments this Friday; posted an update video last Thursday, in case you missed it.

[@5DNRG]

Im convinced MOST people should NEVER bear children let alone raise them.

[@stanfen1966]

Guilty, I suck at relationships, so don't think I'd be cut out for a parenting role either.. not a bad guy, but giving and receiving affection is like nails on a chalkboard to me..

[@InjinJo4]

My shame is triggered the most in group settings. I can show up feeling confident and at peace with myself, and then the second I'm in a room of people I don't know very well, my fawn response gets activated. It feels humiliating and it feeds into the relentless shame cycle. I unconsciously display my shame and then when I see how people respond, with pity or derision or confusion, it makes me feel further ashamed. I've learned to be kind with myself and if there's any silver lining at all, my shame responses let me know who the safe people are. There are kind people who have been patient and take the time to get to know me and bring me out of my shell. Carrying shame can reveal the dark side of people right away but it can also show us who the kind hearted people are and they are the lights in the world

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That is a beautiful way to think about it. Sounds like you have a great amount of awareness and I am glad you are now compassionate with yourself around this. And, as a former 'fawn'er myself, I understand about groups and discomfort. Added to that, in the Family Systems field we know that people in groups tend to unconsciously act out their family-of-origin roles sooner or later (I used to give conferences on this) so if you're the 'scapegoat', it can be doubly distressing!

[@norxgirl1]

Yes...as someone who grew up in the Bible Belt Buckle, there have proven to be very few authentic, fruit bearing Christians in my life, but they are treasured....Lord come quickly!!!

[@stephaniematthaus1516]

Thank you for bringing the light to this toxic family dynamic. I had been betrayed emotionally abused and physically beaten by my brother and my Mom always said “you must have done something to deserve it” or “ I don’t want to take sides” I have been walking around broken, confused and full of shame. And then I read your book And the fog lifted. And I finally really saw and UNDERSTOOD what was really going on. I finally saw my family-who they really were and what really happened. And it has changed my life. I feel free now. Thank you so much. Your insights your book and videos have meant so much to me. I am so glad I found my way to you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for letting me know, Stephanie, I am so pleased to hear my work on FSA is helping you to heal.

[@christar9527]

Amazing when you finally see the light. Been there. Glad you’re here.😊

[@kellygarland1624]

It's the most insidious abuse and so unfair😢

[@joanmariz5573]

Well this explains so much! Now I have ALot of questions

[@janefreeman995]

Same I was bruised head to toe by my much older adult brother who kicked me all over with hiking boots. My mothers response was that I probably deserved it. She was also aware that my other brother was SAing me. And of course my dad was the raving narcisist who despised me. Fortunately I left early as a teen thru educational programs and it's been a lifetime of persuing unconditional love.

[@fifilafleur5555]

Being the family scapegoat is simply just horrific. I would imagine some end their lives. Getting out means no longer having a family and not everyone will understand that. Healthy people from healthy families will not understand and may shun a scapegoat as well... which will lead to more toxic shame. Life can be very very lonely for the family scapegoat. We aren’t meant to live our lives without love & support.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sadly, I agree with you. One of the reasons I continue to stress that more research needs to be done on these forms of ‘invisible’ abuse - including in regard to suicide rates of victims.

[@CareyCommentary]

I believe that they wanted me to end my life so I staid alive to spite them!

[@philippagrimoire5968]

@@CareyCommentaryI relate to this though it pertains to an ex abuser male who I started to confront about his bad behaviour and he gaslit me so much I lost the will to live but stayed just to spite him because that’s what he wanted me to do. Now I know I’m a threat to him and exposed him to the community

[@stanfen1966]

Depends, I was demonized by dad's family and step moms by age 3. My mom parents raised me. Mom passed away when I was 2. Worked like a dog all my life on a 2700 acre ranch with my grand father.. I'm still here running the show. Never been to jail or any type of trouble, of any kind. But to many people in the chrismatic community I'm a very sick man passed by the devil..the babptist side my dad's family, I'm dark and going to hell etc.. I'm 57 and have never shared a meal with any of them I can remember.. I'm ok with them not liking me, but I'd like 1 good reason other then I'm dark going to hell and a demon ..or a reason for those titles.. did I do something to some one 🤔

[@annewoods3528]

My mother treated me like I was breathing the oxygen that was reserved for her, so it was somewhat natural/necessary for me to fight her. I also consciously rebel against her 'helpless=feminine' facade and strived to be self-sufficient. So I tried and thought I pulled off an assertive exterior. Rebecca, you are 100% spot on when you said our body language betray how we really feel on the inside. I was aware enough to suspect I gave off the scent of a prey somehow, as my role in several work and personal relationships. I think the shame and vulnerability are not just created by the scapegoater but also those who are complicit. Can scapegoat be successfully created in isolation? I don't see how it can. At least in my case, my mother inflicted so much pain and harm in me. I knew it and fought her. But without the denial and invalidation of my whole family and society, she could not have succeeded. I became aware of the toxic shame when I had that realization that I was the sucker in a gang, the one that everyone else knows will be sacrificed in a war. The toxic shame was that feeling that I knew they only accept me in the gang because the sucker role I play. I am wondering what's the difference, if any, between scapegoating by dysfunctional family and narcissistic family. Both types of family can scapegoat. Is is just a matter of degree of the projection identification process?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Anne, thank you for sharing some of your experiences as a scapegoated 'fighter'. I do have a video in my clinical series here on my channel that discusses dysfunctional versus narcissistic family systems processes as related to scapegoating. Link here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/d3WQo6qNeseWjac

[@annewoods3528]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I just watched that video again and got more out of it the second time. Also read the 2 articles you wrote (I just ordered the book by Alice Miller's son. I followed up on all the books and resources you recommended). The link between scapegoating and racism resonate with me. As an immigrant, I didn't have a deep understanding of the slavery history. Even thought I experience my share of racism towards Asians, I thought the racism towards blacks was largely in the past. I was shocked to see how blatant and crass the racism was toward President Obama, a man who is as much or more 'upper-class-white' than all of the previous presidents. As I learn more about the struggle of African American, I see similar predicament and bond they are in as scapegoat victims: not only being assumed guilty until proven innocent but also being forced to stay in that position. As you said, Rebecca, psychological projection is part of human psyche. I think educating people about the scapegoating dynamics can help victims not only in families but also society.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@annewoods3528 I absolutely agree, and well said on your part. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[@5DNRG]

When I told my unevolved female upbringer that I remembered her saying to a friend that I was an ugly baby (they were driving me home as a toddler), she was dead silent with no response. Parents have no idea how hurtful their words are. That shame led to multiple rapes and assaults.

[@emgee75pop]

When I was a child, she called me selfish little bitch. When I became an adult, it evolved to sl*t. Words no child, nor adult child, should ever hear from their “mother” 💔😢

[@philippagrimoire5968]

True. They don’t understand how they curse us. Mine told me that if I was sad I’d get raped! I was clinically depressed and had a melancholic disposition and went in the be raped over ten times over the past 20 years and SA’d by a couple of women as well!! I couldn’t stop being sad because of the abuse and neglect they caused!!! She was trying to get me to be happy and may have had good intentions but the way she said it out fear in me and predators pick up on that. She wanted me to go on meds but I was so suspicious of the psychiatric and pharmaceutical industries that I didn’t want to be doped up so she tried to scare me into it! All it did was cause me more sadness and fear in the long run

[@lindahenderson1625]

I am 70 years old. About ten years ago, I went to a therapist. I wanted to know why I felt like an outsider. Why I had unexplained crying spells. I did my my own research as well and learned that I’d been emotionally neglected and rejected as a child. My younger sister was very manipulative and evil. She still is. I have been estranged from her for over twenty years. When I stood up to her, she kept her children from knowing my husband and me . Why her husband allowed it, I don’t know. Again, in my research, I’ve learned that she is a narcissist, like our mother. Together they did quite a number on me. You are correct about changing therapists. As well as my childhood challenges, by nature I am an introvert. My therapist said that since I felt like I was on the outside, I needed to join groups, meet people. That was the last thing that I needed. I am an HSP ,highly sensitive person, and feel and react to things more deeply and intensely. I needed to focus on myself. God blessed me with a inquisitive nature. Due to that, I understand myself better and I’m learning to accept myself through people like you. When one is wounded, one can forgive but not forget. Wounds that go deeply, leave scars. One doesn’t get over it. One determines to strive to find joy in one’s life. I have found contentment. That doesn’t mean that the wounds are gone or that the hurt doesn’t resurface. As you said it is there forever. Having God lead me to books (I am a voracious reader and love seeking wisdom ) and pointing me to people like you, I am a survivor. And I’m very proud of that. My wounded inner child will always reside in me. But she is being honored and respected by me. She had the courage to seek answers for her pain. I have been married to a wonderful man for 50 years. We continue to grow together and on our individual journeys. God bless you for your work. You have created quite a legacy. Thank you .

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Linda. Not sure if you also read my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but if not, I hope you do. It can fill in more missing puzzle pieces. In it, I talk about 'radical acceptance' (versus forgiveness). What happened happened, and can't be changed. However, once our energy is no longer spent trying to make family see us as we are (versus the distorted version of us they created), we can go forward and create a different future, one free of abuse. From anyone. Glad you're here.

[@kaynock1585]

I’m 49, 2 years ago my parents told me they never loved me. My friend was horrified when I told her however I felt grateful and at peace. Finally, the gaslighting had ended. You see I always felt it but they denied it, all throughout my life. Told me I had a chip on my shoulder etc. I truly believed for 47 years that I was a difficult child and a horrible person. I’m now trying to come to terms with the fact that I maybe a good person all along. My parents always called me the black sheep but now I know that I was a scapegoat. Thank you so much for your videos 🙏🏻 I’m terribly grateful

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Kay - This goes to show just how horrific family scapegoating abuse is: We can feel RELIEVED when the ugly truth we always suspected is openly acknowledged by a parent or other family member. But as you say, I think many of us would prefer this over the gaslighting ("I love you BUT ...").

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I will say what Jay Reid says: You weren’t scapegoated because you were so bad. You were scapegoated because you Are Soo Good. You have and had wonderful traits that made the narc hate themselves for not having what you have.

[@janegreen5301]

Kay I am sorry for the ugly truth of your parents being who they are. I can relate to the peace you now have. It's release and relief...pure freedom when the ugly truth is clearly seen and confirmed for what you have known in your heart all along. I believe you will enjoy getting to know who you have always been. My prayers are with you. Jane

[@kaynock1585]

@@janegreen5301 Thank you so much. That means a lot to me

[@janegreen5301]

Kay, You are welcome. Jane

[@rw6071]

I believe that if someone has C-PTSD, depending on the situation, one may "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn;" In one situation I myself who has C-PTSD, may fight in one situation, but freeze in another. For example, my Narc Mom would say something happened that never happened; I would fight with her & call her a lier. On the other hand, when I was bullied @ school, I would completely freeze.... Thanks So So much😊! I just found this channel last week, but, you explain things so incredibly! Thanks for ALL you are doing!

[@rw6071]

Btw. 💯 I am the scapegoat 🔗

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi RW - that is an excellent point you are making, and I will make sure I hone in on this in future videos - that the type of trauma response experienced can shift from person-to-person and situation-to-situation. Glad you're here and hopefully you have subscribed. I release videos every Saturday at 11 am PST.

[@klarmy8824]

You have described my 70 year old life to a tee. Uncanny to say the least. Covered with tar is, I believe, a huge factor in my being bullied all through high school, every day. Covered with tar no matter how hard you try to be better, as a female be Prettier and Cuter, but covered with tar. I often wonder how different my life might have been with a loving family. Thank you Dr. Mandeville, thank you so much.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. This analogy came to me spontaneously years ago and just felt right. I'm glad (and also sad) it resonated so strongly for you. Many of us who wake up to this (often later in life when a sibling takes over the deceased or infirm parent's 'scapegoat narrative') commit to healing ourselves (and our nervous system), and the future can indeed be brighter, with our souls washed clean of this lie.

[@vanessamorey3812]

In my 43 yrs on earth,loving families don't exist. I trust my beautiful pythons and boas,hell I even love tarantulas over this disgusting sh#tshow called so embarrassingly 'humanity'.... What a sick joke. Can't wait for Comets to wipe the planet out...

[@sweetrose813]

I have felt that toxic shame being splashed on me or poured on me or thrown over my head from behind. It feels like black ink fills your whole being,! I believe this is what the good Lord is getting ready to deliver me from thank you for explaining it 💖 toxic shame is at the core and we are not conscious of it but that's why people are abusive they're trying to transfer that ugly black ink onto the soul of an innocent victim

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said. Thank you!

[@nancybartley4610]

I have noticed in old photos that I am either hidden partially or not standing up straight. I agree with you that we unconsciously signal we are available to be abused. I try my hardest to never bother anybody thinking I'm being considerate, but I wonder if it results in others treating me indifferently, etc. This is scary because all of these learned behaviors are not conscious. How do you ever change them?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Slowly tuning into one's body is a good start, as I say in the video. I take my clients through Dr Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Healing the Living Legacy of Trauma' - It is excellent and has helped my clients tremendously with having more awareness on all fronts.

[@dianesandusky39]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse1:50 1:50

[@Spetsnaz520]

I was the family scapegoat/ identified patient. I was told in Montessori I was a liar, enabled, addicted personality from my mother, a user. I don’t do l what I say I’m going. Beaten slapped mocked lied to. Treated with scorn and contempt. Ostracized harassed. Told I was using everyone and need to pay and save money and contribute and earn my keep. Shamed rejected for existing. Made to carry pain. Or be excluded. Thank you for your vids there my therapy

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

These stories shared in the comments - such as yours here - emphasize why society and the Mental Health field needs to become much better informed about this form of abuse. I am sorry you have had to endure this and am very glad you found your way to my channel and my work on FSA. Read my book if you haven't yet: Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.

[@taralilarose1]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca. You are the only person I have ever seen to hit the nail on the head on this horrific insidious abuse. I had to take myself to a therapist at 12 after a failed attempt to run away with my babysitting money! I read every single book on psychology and self-help I could get my hands on and worked my butt off for many decades trying to heal from this madness. I became a rebel and though I was aware of the fact that it was a survival technique I also knew it wasn't serving me in many ways. Now my brothers have taken over the role of scapegoat abusers and they have succeeded in isolating me from my elderly Mom who is in a facility right up the road from me and I'm not allowed to visit her.....even on Mother's day. She made the mistake of giving one of them POA and now he has all the power and control and loves it. Sad. I cannot even get her on the phone. I believe that her aide has turned the ringer off. My relationship with her was actually healing and we were doing great for the first 6 years after I moved to FL from NM. Recently, I filed a police report against my brother but they don't care and consider it a family issue that they can't get involved in...even though he committed elder abuse, fraud on the court and perjury! The legal system is being used to further harm victims.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

​@@taralilarose1 I'm glad (and sad) my work on FSA is resonating with you. What a heart-wrenching situation. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, which is how this form of abuse can go unnoticed by others, and when the child victim / adult survivor attempts to share the truth they are rarely believed. More salt on the wound. Not only the legal system - but all social systems - deny the reality of this form of 'invisible' family abuse. This leaves survivors with little support and few options if they want to survive - and thrive.

[@seedsoftruth2915]

​@@taralilarose1 look into UCC laws aka Uniform commercial code .. also natural law, and the most important one to be free and have a better chance of being able to get any kind of justice consumer law. And the cesti qu vie trust..not sure how to spell it but it is your strawman. Blacks law is where you can find out what the court system is actually saying. They don't speak English in court it's Legalese which has the same sounding English words but have different meanings to them .. people don't know this and that is why we end up having to pay for nothing we did sometimes. ❤good luck

[@evelindadewispelaere4426]

the feeling to have no right to be here

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I address this again in tomorrow's video, Evelinda, hope you can tune in.

[@merrill5780]

Thank you so much Rebecca.I remember als a kid and beyond so afraid of anyone seeing me. I'd walk to school through alleys. Class was torture, recess worse. Always alone. Had migraines,, gall bladder attacks, at 8 yrs old. Thank you understanding me, us.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I can relate. I was getting an ulcer by the time I was 8 years old. School felt like torture and I dreaded the alarm going off in the morning. However, I did get some positive attention from my teachers, and that likely helped keep my candle from going out all the way when young.

[@Luna-rg8le]

To hear other people say that school was torture for them as well makes me sigh with relief. I would always watch the other students in school and think how they do it? How come they're so comfortable and happy and playing it was very alienating and lonely. I started having panic attacks in third grade. For reference purposes I am 44 now so back then nobody talk about anxiety and/or panic attacks. I had no laugaue to explain or to understand what was happening to me. I didn't do well in school bc I couldn't concentrate which quickly earned me the role of the bad child. Through my teenage years I decided to live up to that title of being the bad kid. Which of course led to life altering traumas. Let's just say I have my family a ton material to use against me as the scapegoat. Enter drug addiction. I was always amazed at how much my two alcoholic parents shamed me for self medicating. I am only just now searching for help and healing. I am so happy I found this channel. I already feel at home here.

[@ohelno]

Bravo! So true. Toxic families hate healing because it shows that the wounding was caused by them.

[@llm8268]

Right. Further, they would need to look at the war going on inside, and finally start their own healing journey to find peace within themselves. My impression is healing ultimately comes from above.

[@omartrachen6794]

Dysfonctional families hate boundaries because it is more difficult for them to control you... Fortunately, healthy human relations are defined by having clear boundaries

[@GGVanilla]

Five years of therapy have not given me as much validation and understanding about my situation as your videos have. I just found you yesterday and I have spent literally the last 24 hours binge-watching you. I can't begin to express my gratitude.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So very glad you are here, and thank you for taking the time to let me know. If you want to know more about this form of abuse, you might read my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - it is on Amazon and other online book retailers internationally.

[@whitehorse3828]

EXACTLY Rebecca! I relate to everything about toxic shame. I also recognise how "generational" it is. My mother shamed me, her mother shamed her and so on....What a SHAME, right? I am feeling so happy in my life (at 68) now because of becoming a totally sovereign being. We can only control what is "within our skin" and stop reaching out to others for approval/acceptance. When I started calling people out on their BS about me, they fled like cockroaches, never to be seen or heard from again! Thanks to you're work Rebecca (and the other therapists you mention) it has catapulted many of us to recovery and peace..."When the student is ready, the teacher(s) appear".🥰

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Love this: "When I started calling people out on their BS about me, they fled like cockroaches, never to be seen or heard from again!" And so very true...Unless, of course, they pull a 'DARVO' on you (J. Freyd): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Which sadly happens far too often when the FSA target stands up for themselves and basically says, "Game Over."

[@whitehorse3828]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Some of them did pull a "DARVO" on me, but they still disappeared because I think on some deep deep level in their mind, they know they are liars and they know that I know they are liars!

[@umagrey5608]

Love this too 😘

[@hobocode]

How have you coped with being alone? I have just come down with debilitating chronic illness that leaves me bedridden and needing tons of medicine. Now I'm like.... fuck. I should never have stood up for myself. Now I'm going to die slowly and painfully without a family. I'm scared and suffering. There are just practical things like changing a bedpan and not wanting to be alone while in pain. I don't know where to go from here.

[@angelcity007]

@@hobocode I don’t have any wise advice to give but I just wanted to reach out and tell you I’m so sorry that you’re suffering. If you have a Facebook page? Maybe post there?

[@harlequin.intuitive]

as someone whos always had a fight response, it is insanely difficult. i am told by everyone that i have "anger issues" and i lack empathy. as an unhealed adult, i have even attracted people who outwardly attack me with aggression and violence, forcing me to defend myself. im tired of fighting.. i just want peace. there is still a lot of shame associated with the fight response because my emotional reactions are demonized and i am treated like a criminal. there's no winning.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This sense of "no winning" being possible is just one of the many 'double binds' the FSA adult survivor finds themselves grappling with. I address this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, by the way, using the analogy of the Gordian Knot.

[@harlequin.intuitive]

its crazy isnt it? BEST thing to do is validate yourself because no one else is going to@@GN315-pe6ul

[@Anson7777]

I've been trying to find out what was wrong inside me for decades, since my 30's.... Told i was codependent....i never could get the answer until now from your book and giving it a name. I feel so sad I'm in my 60's with a ruined life of shame, never had a long term romantic relationship, always with narcissistic men. Every decade of my life was upheaval, addiction, hypervigalence, feeling worthless but yet not knowing what the problem was, so i acted like a teenager 50, child, some part adult all my life.. Now i feel despair at this stage of my life. Thank you SOO MUCH for your research and sharing it on you tube. I set boundaries with my sisters and mother in 2019 and they attacked me more and eventually "banished" me from the "family".....i chose myself over pleasing them, but it's been hard with no family and my friends do NOT understand and blame me! 😢

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Anson. I do understand, including at a personal level. I remember when I was first learning about complex trauma as a therapist, and gradually waking up to the fact I had C-PTSD symptoms - And then later suddenly realizing, "OMG - My entire life has basically been one big trauma response!" Today I aspire to make these last years I have left - however many - the best of my life.

[@kaynock1585]

You can’t talk to people about it, my experience is that they listen but don’t really hear what your saying. We hear you- here. We’ve all walked the same road your walking. We walk together

[@lolo9553ify]

It's hard for those of us who were ridiculed in the family group setting to feel okay in groups. Take small steps. Learn to walk away from those who disrespect or disbelieve you. They have the right to think what they want but you don't have to accept being undermined by their denial. And take your time. Take your time getting to know. You don't have to explain yourself to everyone. Keep practicing and never give up on yourself.

[@kaynock1585]

@@lolo9553ify What a lovely empathetic reply!

[@hobocode]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that is so inspiring

[@annetteselent]

I’m also working my way through feelings of betrayal trauma. My daughter(39) says she loves me but will not defend me. Says I didn’t defend her 25 years ago when my second ex was verbally abusive to her (I divorced him shortly after). She says my relationship with my abusers, is not hers. She wants relationships with the family members that have ostracized me and she adores my sister that started a smear campaign to sewer my (now) good life. Daughter attends all the family functions of which I am not invited to. I’m think she fears she will be shunned also if she speaks up on my behalf, which is truth. I think she believes she is safe with me not doing to her what is being done to me. I almost lost the control on my mouth when she had booked a weekend to visit and hike with this Aunt on the very day we had booked, months in advance, my gathering to celebrate my retirement from being an RN. She decided to postpone her visit to aunt by week. I truly don’t know what I would have done if she had made the choice to skip my retirement dinner for my abuser. I don’t know what to do with my feelings of continued betrayal with each family gathering that occurs…this holiday season is full of this feeling, every year. Sometimes I bite so hard on my tongue I literally make it bleed.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is one of the most difficult situations for a scapegoated parent to face. I dedicate a chapter to Betrayal Trauma in my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. I also have a video on betrayal trauma here you may want to check out: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZoO7nax_e9eVbc0

[@bonnieforman9700]

Almost every member of my family has shamed and re-traumatized me for behavior they did!! Whatever heinous act my father, my mother, my sisters did they, literally, claimed I did it and shamed me for it. Talk about insanity inducing. I put up with their mind bending abuse for 43 years and then I walked. Haven't spoken to them in 20 years except for a few ugly encounters by them on the street or at my job!. This is the epitome of the narcissistic, multi-generational projection onto the scapegoated child. They keep asking me to come back What a surprise. They can't find anyone to torture like they tortured me. I will never allow any of them in my presence again. EVER! I carried their slimy, shaming energy for years and blamed myself. If this has happened to you, never go back.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, either an individual Projective Identification process, or a systemic one, which would be the Family Projective Identification Process.

[@sallygwynne-ur5jv]

When I felt toxic shame, it was as though I became blackness and sin itself. As a child, I naturally thought it was me who was the blackness .😢

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Sally - Precisely why I say that with toxic shame, we do not experience shame, we ARE shame, it is so deeply embedded. The good news is it CAN be recognized and released as awareness grows and we begin to understand its impact on our psyches.

[@norxgirl1]

Did you ever feel yourself getting hot as a child when somebody would fuss at you, especially when done in front of others (anathema) almost like you were going to pee yourself? These memories are starting to come back to me. Had so many uncomfortable emotional experiences, just had to shut it all down....

[@Hawaiiansky11]

So validating ❤. At 5:27. We say “no” only when we realize he have a right to say “no.” 😢 I didn’t know that I had the right to choose my own partners and friends…because the narcissist chose them for me and cast good people in the role of villain and toxic people as heroes (I find that to be just…evil). Not only that, I had shame about my sexuality, not realizing I had the right to say “no” to that. When I was being r*ped repeatedly by the man I eventually married, I had NO IDEA that he was mistreating me. Some deep part of me told me that I deserved it. I even remember telling myself before we wed, “Well, I guess this is the best I can do /get / attract),” because it seemed that the guys and men I wanted didn’t want me, so I figured I may as well be with someone who does.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This happens far too often in the lives of FSA adult survivors, your 'romantic' experiences. The bar is typically so very low when it comes to 'love' relationships due to interjecting warped ideas about love as scapegoated children, along with toxic shame.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

I just remembered when I went to my Grandmother's (Dad's side) funeral in 2008 and stayed with my Aunt and Uncle. Highly religious, my Aunt surreptitiously took me to a faith healer (in the guise of a massage therapist) who began to perform an exorcism of sorts. 😲 I was LIVID 😡 All the while these two partying and empathizing with my abusive, alcoholic Father and coddling my neglectful, emotionally abusive, narcissistic Mother.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Horrific. Did you read my book in which I mention a 5-year old child I worked with who had been exorcized no less than FIVE times? This child's problem was that he was intellectually brilliant; phenomenally bored; and lived with an idealized, 'golden child' brother who was viewed as being 'angelic'. Talk about intrapsychic splitting and projection!

[@kimberlymccracken747]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I haven't gotten there yet, but I can relate. I was a well-behaved, sincerely good kid and was scholastically ahead of my class and got excellent grades in the midst of domestic violence and child abuse. My brother was a troublemaker anyway, but was scapegoated by my stepfather, abused and neglected by our Father and idealized/babied by our Mother. Talk about crazy-making. I was the resident babysitter, psychologist, lawyer, Indian Chief. 😂 I often related to the character portrayed by Tatum O'Neal in Paper Moon. Trying to get the adults to act right, but playing along when necessary. 👍

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Jesus wept

[@patriciaserra5664]

Hi Rebecca I read your book 2 years ago and I was so glad I found your channel some weeks ago. It was like a dream come true to know you and have the chance to have a more deep notion of FSA. You understand scapegoating so well and the terrible damage that causes in adult children that grew in this inhumane environments. I hope your channel continues growing and helps millions of people that have experienced FSA

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Patricia, what a lovely and kind note. I'm so glad you have read my book and that you found my channel here (been here about 5 months now). I love this community here on KZbin - At last I found my social media 'home'!

[@blue_moon6490]

Thank you! ✨💖✨ I was raised by an adoptive family. My adoptive mother is a malignant narcissist. She made sure to tell me that I was unwanted as a baby, by my birth mother. She (adoptive mother) didn’t want me around, now. That I am a hopeless cause. It was 50 years of hell, trying to please the unpleaseable. Ha! My mother would call me the scapegoat! 😂🤣😂 I married a malignant narcissist and we had one child. Divorced after 16 years, very traumatic. Parental alienation. No contact with anyone for almost 3 years. I turned 55 years old this summer. It’s MY TURN! ✨💖✨🕊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

YES!!!

[@boldi2337]

30 years of not recognizing my shame. Now, due to trauma work, it comes to the conscious an I feel horrible.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is not an easy journey - but worth it, most will find.

[@Yasminescookingshow]

Hello Dr. Mandeville. Another great video. Regarding making friends, despite being my family scapegoat, I've always been a very social and friendly person. What I find to be challenging is finding female friends who have done the work on themselves, women know how to give just as they take from me. I have found that social media has made authentic friendships difficult. My experience with women is that those friendships seemed to be one-sided. I've stopped being the one making all of the effort because it got to be exhausting in trying to build a new family. Many of the women that I've invited over for dinner, to the museum, to the theatre, and have called, etc, just don't know how to do friendships. They will often ghost me or take forever to reply. Eventually, I lose interest. I'm very confident and not clingy in anyway, but it's horrible. I had an older sibling, I no longer have contact with who was the queen of silent treatments ever since we were kids, and now when I meet a woman, I want to connect with who disappears from the onset of a potential friendship, it triggers me, it hurts, and self-perseveration kicks in. At 40, I've learned to be my own best friend. I take myself out, I stay involved in my community, and do the things that bring my joy. Sure, I would love to share these experiences with others, but they have to be worthy of my friendship too. I have asked God to bless me with like-minded women like me, the type of friendship King David had with Jonathan. I

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Yasmine. I'm sure many will benefit from reading your comment here. Look me up if you are ever on the Oregon Coast - we have a guest suite and it would be wonderful to meet you in person!

[@nancybartley4610]

Sorry this happened. I long to have meaningful connections. You sound like someone with whom I would love to create a friendship. Why do you think social media is the source of the problem?

[@Yasminescookingshow]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Good evening. I appreciate the invitation and I gladly accept. It would be wonderful to meet you as well. In fact, visiting Oregon is on my list. One of the things I hope to start doing soon is traveling outside of Virginia to explore various restaurants and museums around the country. There's a Haitian restaurant in Portland, Oregon called Kann, the Haitian word for sugar cane. I had no idea my people migrated there. The food is so great that the chef hosted a dinner party for Oprah Winfrey.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@Yasminescookingshow Fantastic - we are just a few hundred feet from the beach and the suite is completely private - Just give me a holler if you get out this way - I'm about 2 1/2 hours south of Portland.

[@Yasminescookingshow]

@@nancybartley4610 Hello Nancy. I appreciate you. Social media doesn't require much effort and gives a false sense of connection. I hope that makes sense. I'll share two examples of two women 1. Her and I were stationed in Japan together as sailors. Years went by, we moved to different places around the world and bumped into each other in Virginia and we're now both out of the service. I was so happy to see her again and hoped we would become really great friends. I've invited her out to lunch, to local events, I've cooked for her, etc. Notice, it's always been me. She on the other hand never made the effort to invest in the friendship in anyway, but she comments on my social media constantly. 2. She's borrowed cash from time to time. I've experienced some setbacks myself and I was blessed to be a position to pass that gesture forward. I really liked her because we have several things in common. Sometime later, I needed a ride for a colonoscopy procedure and asked her. Never heard from her. A few months later, she reached out to me on Instagram and told me she was going through a divorce and that's why I never heard from her. I've learned to meet people where they are and leave them there. These two women have taught that it's hard to invest in others, see value in others when we don't have enough in our tank for ourselves.

[@wendyrobinson-wr4lg]

Thank you so much. It's really interesting. Each week when I listen to you I feel like another bit of the puzzle has fallen into place. I always felt like a fraud; like I'd done something wrong but wasn't quite sure what, so I stayed constantly vigilant around others, waiting for attack. I got used to presenting a 'self' that I thought others would find acceptable. I was terrified of 'everyday-life' things, like talking to a neighbour or getting car insurance (I was convinced when I contacted an insurer, they would tell me I wasn't worthy enough to be given any, even though there was no practical reason for this). I got used to accepting low standards in lots of things because I was just grateful to get anything at all. I'm actually laughing at myself a bit writing this 'cos, when I think back, a lot of it was quite bizarre! Intellectually and emotionally I feel a lot better about many things now (after 2 years of therapy) but physically I am really struggling. I have to be really careful about what I choose to do re. travel/work/social activities - engaging in one, short social activity can leave me ill for a full day or more afterwards (nauseous, dizzy, shaking, panic, exhausted, etc.) What can we do to overcome unwanted and debilitating physical reactions? It has become prohibitive to leading a full life! Does anyone else get the same/similar thing?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Wendy, it may be that you are experiencing issues related to your nervous system. In the trauma field, we know that the body really does 'keep the score'. You might want to explore this with your therapist. I use Dr Janina Fisher's workbook with my FSA adult survivor clients: Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma and it has been very helpful in regard to bodily symptoms related to complex trauma.

[@michiganmymichigan]

I thought, there was an incident or more I couldn't remember. I didn't want to remember for how it would effect my slight connection with family. Pretty sure there was some things I was blaming myself for. I was eventually convinced I had done something horrid as a baby or toddler. Then, I saw what I had done wrong, I was born. Seeing myself through their opinions of me was all I had known. Off that circle now.

[@CollinwoodGirl7]

I told my mom last year. I felt like I didn't have a voice. She proceeded to share that the next day on facebook. "What do you expect when you hide from people?" She said. I confronted her on it and she said I deserved it🤷‍♀️ She is an empty shell and evil at the same time and I want to be the polar opposite of her 🤷‍♀️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very sorry to hear this. See if you relate to this video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJKpgGd3d8ajn5I

[@heatherjohnson333]

The hardest part of getting through this is the fact that no one in my family will admit to it. Their abuse has been covert and it has now morphed into neglect. I have been brainwashed and I keep doubting myself. They are good with words and they always have a good reason for every hurtful incident. The self-doubt is deeply instilled in me and I struggle to believe that I have a right to my feelings and I have a right to voice them. This is hard.

[@user-wj3yr7xr2f]

My survival response changed from fawn to fight when I was a teenager. That had me kicked out early. But I can still end up in a fawn response if the shaming is severe enough and/or I cant fight the person being abusive. That is the most severe emotional abuse you can do to a person. In my opinion. Because its not adult being abused, its your innerchild. Your core self.

[@circusof5838]

I took thier abuse a long time, it took me seeing it from the outside when i saw my sibling shame my child for something as simple as reaching around him for an item in the fridge. It awoke the momma bear in me and i fought for my kid and it didnt end up well. It ended up in no contact with any of them but i stood my ground for my kid and now im learning and realizing how toxic and possibly narcissistic my family really is.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Seeing these behaviors directed toward their child has been a wake up call for many adult survivors, per my research.

[@TheDjangoJoEShowOfficial]

You made my past 3years make sense. Thanks.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear. And, you're welcome.

[@madelynhuman6591]

My mom was scapegoated by her mother. I saw my grandparents about 6 or 7 times growing up, they lived off the grid and were extremely religious. We spoke to my uncle ( who moved abroad ) on the phone a couple of times and he came to visit two times. My mom had a strained relationship with her family until my grandparents and uncle suddenly moved to our city when I was 16. Chaos ensued, my mom cut them off. Now I see grandparents walking in my neighborhood but I haven't seen them in about 8 years. I remember being so scared of my mom growing up. I got spanked a lot longer than my older sisters. Most of my memories are of being in my room, I was sent to my room every night or every other night for rolling my eyes, being disrespectful, for being difficult. I was always crying and begging my mom to not punish me, I would be sobbing telling her how sorry I was, but I'd still get locked in my room. I remember screaming and kicking the walls, throwing my books all over the floor and grabbing my bed frame and shaking the bed literally jerking uncontrollably with anger. This went on until I was about 13. By that time my older sister (golden child) began to take on the overt bullying role, and my mom ruled via fear and control. No sleepovers, going through our phones every night ( we had to turn them in ), getting grounded for months, etc. My family never told me or my dad anything. My mom didn't tell me that they were getting a divorce until she told my therapist in front of me. That's how I found out, I was 15. She made me pack my things and move out while my dad was at work. Then I turned into her full time therapist. She would talk for hours about my dad and how cruel her mom was to her. I would have to commiserate about how she is the best mom ever, fuck my dad and fuck her parents! I think the neglect got worse but she did allow me to socialize with friends thankfully. She became vegan and made me drink detox smoothies and celery juice every morning. I visibly lost weight. The sibling bullying got worse, at one point she turned both my sisters against me when I was 19. She told me I had to go to the university in our city. She never came to see me move in even though it was a 13 min drive away. I struggled with drinking and knew I had a really bad relation w men in college. eventually I stopped going to class and would lay frozen in bed for hours. I could only get up to eat, go to the bar, or have sex. This went on for months, then a year, until I went home with a random man from the bar. He asked if I wanted to go to Georgia with him and I said yes. Once the plane landed I was trapped. I didn't realize until a couple of days later when he saw a notification from an older man on my phone. He jokingly slapped me, I didn't react. Over a couple of hours he finished two bottles of wine, chasing me around the apartment slamming my head into the walls and kicking me. Each time he hit me I felt distinctly "little"- I was young again. I felt confused and ashamed about how, although I was genuinely scared, each time his palm smacked my face I felt a little tickle of something familiar and warm. I didn't want him to slap me, but when he did it felt okay for the half second of blinding white sparkle. He kept there me for about 6 months. During that time I received my only hate text from my mom where she berated me for missing class and ghosting my internship. When I came back home, the sibling abuse intensified. She will drunkenly rage, cries every single day, and will become verbally abusive in under 30 mins of ANY interaction. My mom will make me apologize to her each time I react to her taunts. I can't take the abuse any longer. I abused myself so badly in college, and I truly believed that when I graduated my mom would like me. I saw her once after the ceremony ( for christmas) and it didn't go well. I know they will continue to abuse me. So I have to begin choosing myself. (Luckily I live with my dad now, and I am physically safe and have a permanent room of my own for the first time at 23)

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for sharing some of your FSA experiences with us. What an ordeal! I'm glad you are physically safe. I'm linking you to a list of resources I put together in case you see something that may be helpful at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@seabreeze8894]

Just discovered your channel, Rebecca, and have downloaded your book on Kindle. I’m so excited bc you’re describing me so completely in this video. I am 66 and have been NC with narc father and narc sister over 4 yrs now. Narc mother died in 2015. In her last few yrs she added to the long drummed in message from early childhood that I messed up their plans by coming along when I did by telling me that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn’t have children. After she died I found a congratulations card in my baby book that made it clear that she had told the male coworker who sent it that she was considering an abortion. She didn’t abort me, but she made sure I always knew that I had not been wanted, while my 2 younger siblings were wanted and planned. It’s a startling thing still to realize that I was never loved by my parents or my sister. My brother loved me, but he died 15 yrs ago of cancer, and he suffered greatly in his life due to narc treatment by our narc father. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and encouragement! 💗🌸

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome! Hope you find my book on FSA helpful and glad you're here.

[@Caroline_T]

I describe my freeze response as if someone has taken some beaters and scrambled my brain. I cannot even think clearly enough to defend myself. I can feel confident and like I’m ready for social interactions, but the minute I need to stick up for myself or confront abusive behavior….I freeze and I have no words. I hate this! I’m not sure how to approach situations that require me to stand up for myself.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

A key element in recovering from complex trauma in general is getting the neo-cortex (thinking/front part of the brain) back 'online'. When we are activated and in a trauma response, we are overwhelmed by activity in the middle part of the brain when the amygdala gets fired up / alarmed. I use Janina Fisher's workbook, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, to help my trauma clients with this.

[@Caroline_T]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I just found the workbook on Amazon. THANK YOU! I have been so STUCK !

[@docjody8624]

Is it healing/appropriate to walk away permanently from toxic family members who scapegoated me for 67 years of my life? Sadly-- My Mother is 99-years-old, my whole life I begged her to stop the hazing, the shunning, the verbal abuse. She refused. Now I'm learning I was her Narcissistic fuel. She always made sure to sabotage any friendships I tried to form. Decades ago my siblings shunned me and still do. Recently stopped calling my Mother. I feel an enormous burden lifted. Back in my "real" family, Al-Anon.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

There's a point when one must decide what price they are paying for remaining in contact. In some cases, the level of contact can be adjusted, which is a band-aid but better than nothing. Each situation is unique and complex. One must be honest regarding how remaining in contact is impacting them. Some people are highly triggered and can't gain traction in their recovery while in contact. Others are not as activated and can tolerate the contact. Self-honesty is key. Let your nervous system be your guide...

[@pamb8797]

I agree with Dave Imus (comment below) that "I've never had my experience validated as thoroughly as it is validated by you" Rebecca. When I discovered your work, my entire life made sense. Finally being able to recognize how much damage has been done in my entire life because of FSA has empowered me to change my life. I no longer try to get along with the family scapegoaters because I know it enables their narcissistic abuse. Now they choose: either take responsibility for their part and work on healing together or leave me alone. I finally get to feel what it is like to have my nervous system settled down, to breathe and to enjoy the moment without anxiety.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Pamela - and what a succinct and inspiriting message of hope and possibility for everyone here. May I read it in a future video (I will not share your name)?

[@pamb8797]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Definitely, Rebecca, you are free to read the comment. Thank you for asking. I am a huge fan of your work and do all I can to support you. I pass it on to many other people. I also have a blog in which I share your expertise with other people (giving credit to you). I believe your work changes the world when we finally see the pain of the family scapegoat and families no longer get away with this horrific relationship crime. There must be accountability for every family member if we are going to reduce/end the evil of family scapegoating.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for sharing my work on FSA, Pamela, and for allowing me to share your comment. Much appreciated!

[@amystrang6524]

I hadn’t been able to find a therapist who could help me figure this all out. I am grateful now to have my experiences validated, and have a context for the different things that happened to me in my primary relationships. I just knew a couple of years ago I couldn’t take it anymore, and created a no contact with certain individuals. I knew I could never heal completely with them in my life because they would undo any progress I made. I had pieced many things together but to have it spelled out in this way is extremely relieving. I am now focused on my own recovery of this insidious form of abuse, and having positive relationships with a few key people in my life. Mistakes are made in relationships, but they can be forgiven if you know someone loves you and has your best interests at heart. In this case I think we have a gut feeling when someone is shaming us either subtly or outwardly and I have learned to remove myself from people who make me feel that way. Thank you 🌺

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome, Amy. I think I linked you to my survivor resource list already but if not, let me know here and I will do so.

[@janegreen5301]

Always look forward to this time on Saturday with you and the group here. Thank you Rebecca! YES, REBECCA, YOUR "NAMING IT " HAS HELPED SO MANY OF US! I love that you said, "Be discerning, be that gift to yourself." Because toxic shame is SO DISCONCERTING. Being discerning will "up your game." Like buying yourself a beautiful necklace that simply goes with everything. 😊 I lived with toxic shame for so long....it's no longer a welcomed guest in my home. I am aware it's gone. And I like what I notice with it gone. It's a horrible companion....nothing good comes from it. I distinctly recall the day I literally laughed in its face and said this is bulls_it. I am not walking this road anymore. The setting I will leave unnamed here. Question....who wrote the workbook you mentioned, THE MINDFUL SELF COMPASSION? Thank you Rebecca! I am so grateful for you and your work. Jane

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Jane. Yes, once you can recognize the feeling of toxic shame, you can invite it to leave, just as you have done - washing yourself clean of that sticky (false) family scapegoat narrative. You can find the workbook in my online Amazon shop on my website - it is the 7th book down. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/shop/

[@Hawaiiansky11]

The first time I saw the words Dissociative Amnesia, I wept. It was then “real.” And it was NOT MY FAULT. Depersonalization disorder and derealization disorder as well. I was brain damaged. Not stupid, not a wimp, not secretly enjoying abuse, but brain damaged.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@Hawaiiansky11 Brain damaged in the sense that your neural pathways were shaped around trauma?

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

Thank you so much ❤ I always look forward to your Saturday videos. They are very comforting, upbuilding, inspiring and heartfelt. I have bad days often. But once I sit down and watch your encouraging videos, I am motivated to break away from the false narrative my family assigned me. I feel happy and hopeful at the end of each video. Thanks again Dr. Mandeville ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's about the best compliment I could imagine receiving. I think you already know about my FSA Recovery Affirmation videos but if not, I have two here on my channel in my main playlist. People have told me they find them very helpful, especially if said daily.

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

I watch your videos a lot. I enjoy them because they upbuild. My sons wonder why I always cry when they buy a gift for me, like they did today for Mother's Day. I explained I feel undeserving and unworthy whenever they do nice things because I didn't get that treatment growing up in my family. After I told him about the toxic shame I have, he promised me he will buy your book for me. I am learning many things about FSA.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@bbjoyce-je1vx What a lovely exchange with your son - And obviously, you have broken the pattern of family scapegoating abuse. I hope you find my introductory guide on what I named 'FSA' helpful!

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

My son ordered " Rejected, Blamed , & Shamed" from Amazon 20 minutes ago. It will arrive Tuesday. I am happy and anxious to read it ❤ Thank You for helping us all

[@gaylereyes8700]

Great video. I feel like I’ve been in constant healing due to my covert narcissist mother and I’m 66. I like how you explain what you’re saying. I’m watching all of your videos.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm glad you found my work on FSA helpful. You may also want to read my book on this form of systemic abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@northerngaltrue]

Wow. You really get it!! You are so right. I really appreciate your delineating the fight response from the fawn response. If you have a fight response, then that means that you may not have been crushed as effectively. I have always envied those who have an anger response. I wasn’t allowed. Because literally all love all connection, all value would be removed from my life if I dared to show even the slightest whiff of anger. The hard thing about scape goat abuse is that you carry that identity around with you which almost always ensures that you will repeat that scenario in almost every group you’re a part of. That has been true for me. But I could never understand why I was perpetuating, my status as the victim of scapegoat abuse. And my go to, of course, was shame and self blame. Proof that I am indeed basically defective and worthy of emotional abuse. Why else would what appears to be otherwise normal people instinctively ostracize me? I’ve suspected it’s something that I do unconsciously. You’re helping me to put the pieces together.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear! Linking you to my resource list for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@nadiabelen9505]

This is my favourite video from my whole KZbin, I've seen it like 15 times already. I definitely have toxic unconcious shame, it's just that I got so used to it, it has become who I am. When I was born, my father didn't want a girl and he tried to murder me, like he was plotting, but my grandma saved me. I remember the look full of hate he gave me , when he saw me in the hospita just after I was bornl, and I was born healthy, but at that moment I collapsed ,went cold and they had to place me on the incubator. Then his mother also didn't want me, cause I was born dark. I know that feeling so well, the collapse, I just didn't know that's how Shame feels, now it comes up for no reasons, I guess I have inner triggers, and so many outer ones. And I'm so afraid to be criticized, and I think it's not just shame, but at home, when my father specially, but also my mother, or someone in power criticized me, It meant I was in actuality danger, they actually murder my grandma. I knew they would do the same to me. And this comes back I think, and I'm not able to do nothing, cause I think subconsciously, someone it's going to criticise me, and something horrible it's going to happen to me. It's not so true anymore I guess. I'm learning judo, just in case someone tries. Thank U for another great video !

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Nadia. You may relate to the video I am releasing Saturday on a 5th trauma response that also can cause an inner 'collapsing' that isn't discussed much. Hope you tune in!

[@nadiabelen9505]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes I will, please keep sharing this amazing insightful content, I'm forever grateful! It's very difficult to get validation on this !

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@nadiabelen9505 I will - I love the community here and appreciate that there are people like yourself interested in Family Systems theory and research - It seems to be discussed very little on social media and on YT as related to scapegoating and narcissistic abuse. One of the key reasons I decided to start my own channel.

[@claudiasbarra1044]

Thank you so much, this is what happened to me my whole life (58) even by a therapist. To be completely alone with this and everyone saw me as the crazy defective one was the worst part in my healing journey. I tried to fix myself the whole time instead of self partnering.I also think that we were conditionned that it is more safe to be the victim (because when rebelled against abuse I became even more abused) and that we had no choice other than being the victim.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, this is very insightful on your part. Aligning with the 'victim' identity unconsciously can indeed be a survival strategy, as can the 'fawn/submit' trauma response.

[@claudiasbarra1044]

❤

[@IngaCombs]

Oh my GOD! that's what it is. Everywhere I go people just think it's ok to treat me badly. And there we have it! Thank you Rebecca.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Inga. Here's a list of resources I put together for FSA survivors, if you want additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@kaystephens2672]

Yes. We do not want to perpetuate this paradigm. Seems it has become an epidemic. You have to face the fear of the unknown. I had a reoccuring dream when i was 5. I couldn't face what was chasing after me. Its time I took a good look at that face I would not allow myself to see. Night after night it was there. For a very long time. I think i know whos face it was. My mother's. I want wait to read your book. Im sure it will answer a lot of questions for me for my future. Thank you for your work and diligence on this matter.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Kay. Powerful dream, especially if you have it repeatedly. Indeed, at some point we must unmask what is chasing us to no longer live in terror and fear. When your unconscious is ready to do 'the BIg Reveal', it will no doubt happen.

[@kaystephens2672]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you. I want to tell you about it if that's ok. I would climb up under this folding table we had. There was a man with work boots who kept trying to find me. I would see his boots going around the table on the floor and every time I knew he was going to bend over and find me, I would make myself wake up. It was the fear of seeing that face that I thought would terrorize me. It went off and on for about a year. There was a movie that was on tv one time where that scene was exactly played out like in my dream. Wyona Rider was in it. Needless to say, I shut it off. Thank you so much for everything. How I finally found my answer I cannot explain. I believe now that so many answers are going to be in your book. It will be greatly treasured. And how we ever survived these family systems is, in itself, a miracle. We are very strong people, indeed.🌴

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I would say we are all in good company here. My channel is not for everyone - therefore, I am always grateful when people are interested in learning about Family Systems (which is NOT the same thing as 'Internal Family Systems' / IFS) and all the research that has been done in this field of specialty for over half a century, including my research on FSA.

[@kaystephens2672]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse It's very interesting. All the branches of this research and study. And I was blessed to always see through it all. And it has been such a wild ride to see. A wild time to be alive. I knew 3 generations before me. And I loved them all. Women who were tough but sucked it up. And it hasn't been long since we've been seen as equal to men. I never put a man before myself. And I guess that's why, as James Brown sang "Papa don't take no mess". I say "Mama doesn't either".

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@kaystephens2672 Someone here asked if I knew whether more women are scapegoated than men. Do you have thoughts on that?

[@meredith2803]

Bless you Rebecca, I'm so grateful to yourself and others, your work is a legacy that will help future scapegoats realise the poison that they're living in. You have helped others find anchor while they're living in the abyss. Glad you seem on the mend after your illness too, hope you have an excellent week.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Meredith, thank you, I appreciate your kind words. And yes, I am feeling myself again, mercifully...!

[@northerngaltrue]

You are so right. I really appreciate your delineating the fight response from the fawn response. If you have a fight response, then that means that you may not have been crushed as effectively. I have always envied those who have an anger response. I wasn’t allowed. Because literally all love all connection, all value would be removed from my life if I dared to show even the slightest whiff of anger. The hard thing about scape goat abuse is that you carry that identity around with you which almost always ensures that you will repeat that scenario in almost every group you’re a part of. That has been true for me. But I could never understand why I was perpetuating, my status as the victim of scapegoat abuse. And my go to, of course, was shame and self blame. Proof that I am indeed basically defective and worthy of emotional abuse. Why else would what appears to be otherwise normal people instinctively ostracize me? I’ve suspected it’s something that I do unconsciously. You’re helping me to put the pieces together.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear. Linking you to my resource list for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@beverleybenjamin3648]

I made a comment on the video I watched yesterday about how I screamed at my housemate "do not do that" when she accused me of being happy that I had to ask her to leave. In this video you have helped me see that although this response is unhealthy, it also means that I am being healthy in setting boundaries but in a wrong way. Thank you. I need to recognise when she does that, she is dealing with her own past and learn to take that pause before I react. I too have learnt to be toxic. I do know it's not ok to shout or scream. But thank you for your kind words

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. I did respond to your other comment and linked you to another video to watch - you may not have notifications turned on.

[@whitehorse3828]

Just a suggestion Dr. Rebecca....how about displaying your book "Rejected, Shamed & Blamed" somewhere visible in your videos... like behind your right shoulder on that shelf where the other books are...put your book there so everyone can see it and purchase it. It is such an important/invaluable piece of work that really helps people!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That is a great idea - I had never thought of that! I sometimes forget to mention my book at all in the videos but it is in the video description, but I am learning most people don't read those. I shall do as you suggest - thank you!

[@whitehorse3828]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Visuals, Visuals, Visuals!! 🙂

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@whitehorse3828 Got the book on display but I have a hunch it will read backwards - we shall see!

[@Truthseeker-sd2ho]

I just found your channel…I suppose I wasn’t supposed to find it until now in my healing journey. I’ve known about the scapegoat role and that it was the role that I was cast into in my dysfunctional family dynamics…Teal Swan has some excellent videos on the subject. But when I started listening to you, and you actually had a name and acronym for it and it ended in the word “ABUSE”, I took a huge sigh of relief. Yes…it was abuse, and one that was not my fault, out of my control, and should not define who I am and how I am supposed to be treated.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here. I just released a video on how this term I created (family scapegoating abuse/FSA) came to be. You can watch it here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/epmloH2Ir8yWq6M

[@kristinmeyer489]

15:49 The ONE TIME my golden child "sister" got attacked by our mother, 1) our mother was drunk, and 2) she actually had real reason to be angry. It was beyond painful that she got the support for that that I never once got in a lifetime of the same kind of abuse from the same woman. People who betray you and can't understand why you don't trust them are beyond my understanding.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I think it is for most people who do *not* betray others. One of the reasons I included a chapter on Betrayal Trauma in my book. Here's a survivor resource list I put together in case you are looking for some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@kristinmeyer489]

I got "Just ignore her" as a response to my cries for help. An entire childhood full of witnesses, if any of them are honest and brave enough to stand up and say the truth, instead of just gossiping and taking the side of my more popular abusers.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Did you see my video on the 'cry for help' trauma response yet? Link here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eWGydWBoj6ZoZtE

[@chiliart8056]

So true every time Im in group of people If Im trigerd thay sence it and start project that on me.But Im learning to say hey that thing is on you wrong adres dear.

[@Sheen31400]

I relate to pretty much everything you have said in this video and the others, thank you Rebecca I'm 60 years old, the oldest child...highly sensitive, strong and a scapegoat in a malignant narcissist/enabler dynamic. I've been on a healing journey for the last 30 years but toxic shame has been so crippling that I am only now sharing what happened in my childhood with my family....my husband is so shocked and finding it hard to believe which has further increased my shame. I was troubled, rebellious, difficult and reactive in my youth so I turned into a caregiver for the last 40 years, while trying to raise my own children, my parents lived in our home, I bailed them out financially,nursed my mother through bouts of cancer and made sure that they looked good to outsiders particularly the church members...all to appease my guilt for all the trouble I'd caused my family. Betraying myself over and over again has been debilitating for my health and the self-punishing horrendous! My sister, the self-sacrificing confidante to my parents, also deeply traumatised, believed me for a time but quickly reverted back to the family narrative telling my daughter that I was always unstable, rebellious,over-sensitive and narcissistic. Since my mother's death last week I've been plagued by unbearable memories of abuse that I'm too ashamed to speak about for fear of not being believed. I read my mother's will last night which says it all😢

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like you have gained some deep insights into your true situation. Glad you're here. You might consider joining my new Substack community for FSA survivors - some very nice people over there, many from here on KZbin. It is listed under my book on this resource list I put together. Hope to see you there: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@gingin1050]

Wow this is exactly what I have been struggling with. I hope I can recover and operate in the world.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list for FSA survivors for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@loriprice425]

I’m on a next right step “Spiritual guided” quest to living a life free of self sabotage and thoughtless reaction’s. You’re videos opened my eyes, mind, heart, and emotions and keeps drawing me back. I have binge watch your videos after the first one having been able to completely identify and hoping to get the im sorry from the family rescuer, martyred step monster, I’m sorry- my fathers wife with whom he depends on trusts and loves dearly… any ways today I was led the right step to this and praying the right steps will deliver my to a door of repaired replaced and propped core beliefs! Thank you for all you have shown me!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I appreciate your sharing your experience of my work on FSA. You sound deeply committed to your healing and recovery - I do hope you will read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, if you haven't already, and there are more resources for FSA adult survivors on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com.

[@sharonjones7138]

At 65, I’m just coming to realize some things about how I see men. My father was (is) overbearing. As a child, he was always right, ruled and dominated by fear and intimidation. I was terrified of him by age 7-8. I wasn’t allowed to tell him no. I feel that set in my mind, the rule that boys & men rule and girls don’t get to say no to them. Until now. My interactions with men aren’t healthy. I avoid interpersonal relationships…even casual conversations with men. My relationship with my son has probably suffered as a result of this in me. Not sure how to talk with him about it. His father and I didn’t marry and I cut him out of my life -not our son’s life-for good when I was 43 but the lingering effects of my putting up with his covert narcissist tendencies are difficult to overcome. Currently working with a professional and will bring this up with her. Thank you for this work. It’s very helpful.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like you are already gaining a great amount of awareness regarding your past family system dynamics and how this has impacted you. Great work you are doing with your therapist. I'm glad you are finding my work on FSA helpful. You may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed and Blamed'.

[@dotsyjmaher]

OMG...I was aware...I knew I was stuck in the past..I walked away 30 years ago... I thought that alone would solve it... I worked on it for decades and then first discovered Dr.Jay Reid Then Jerry Wise... And then... OMG YOU.... I wasn't SURE I could do this...but I knew it was my only way out... I just hope trauma informed therapists CAN GET THIS DONE.... BUT....I now belong to groups where I am a little further along than many in the group.. I struggle with not just screaming GET AWAY! But every person has their own road and their own time... 8 years ago I had NO idea why I could not relate to BS "forgive" cr*p...and all the other cutsie simple solutions offered by well meaning but COMPLETELY clueless people... You are REALLY HELPING PEOPLE WHO HAD NO HOPE FOR SO LONG...THANK YOU!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome - I'm on a break right now but will get back to making videos soon. Glad you're here.

[@nancymckiernan6030]

I just purchased your book 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' and the workbook you recommended 'Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists' by Janine Fisher. Thank you so much for all your videos. They are really helping me. I have known for a long time that I am the family Scapegoat, but didn't realize just how bad things were until around 9 months ago, when siblings completely turned on me and blocked me from seeing my now 86 year old mother, after she became incapacitated. I've tried to go no-contact, but have gone back and forth for the purpose of trying to see my mom, who lives around 2,000 miles away. Every interaction I have with siblings is extremely painful and I've come to the conclusion they have no intention of ever letting me see my mom again. I can relate to pretty much everything you talk about in your videos.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Nancy, I hope you find my book helpful. Also, I did make a video on scapegoating and sibling estrangement - Just wanted to make sure you saw that. The 'scapegoat narrative' will often be adopted by one or more siblings when a parent becomes infirm or dies and I discuss this in a video (this phenomenon is supported by my FSA research as well).

[@janegreen5301]

Nancy I am so sorry. I understand your pain. It is a shock when we see, realize just how bad it really is. Jane

[@rcristy]

My mother used to threaten to send me to an orphanage. I told her I'd pack my own bags and go willingly lol

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like you may have more of the 'fight' response versus 'fawn' - Which I consider a good thing, but still is hard on one's nervous system.

[@spiritgurl1111]

I’m amazed how your channel just recently came suggested to me-at the exact right time in my healing journey. Finally being heard and reading other comments is so comforting. Dealing with a dysfunctional toxic family riddled w narcissism where no one but me wants to do the work to heal and truly understand these dynamics -black sheep scapegoat truth teller. It’s been a hard road the past 3yrs but I know I’m finally Hdg in the right direction even if I have to go it alone ❤ CPTSD is no joke. Thx for all you do again

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Dr Carl Jung would call this 'synchronicity' (coming across my channel when you did). Glad you're here, and within this community, I hope you do not feel so alone and that you feel supported in your recovery efforts.

[@spiritgurl1111]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse agreed! and thx :)

[@Sja-juanaHall-jn1mn]

Thank you so much for the videos ! I have been suffering alone for quite some time and I’m just exhausted. These videos are just so validating and I don’t feel so crazy

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear! You may also want to check out my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@Angel-se4zm]

Thank you for this Rebecca. Could you do a video one day about the fear of success or financial independence and how to overcome it. My siblings and ex seemed to sabotage and pull the rug from under me, whenever I was getting back on my feet again. Keen to read your book. Thanks again. X

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Angel, glad you are going to read my book. I've added your topic to my list; however, my primary goal here is to educate on family scapegoating abuse and share my research on it but I can address this in a general manner. Do you think toxic shame may relate to your inquiry here?

[@janegreen5301]

YES! I wholeheartedly believe FSA contributes to fear of success and financial independence. Sure hope you do a video on it. Thanks Rebecca. And oh boy can I relate to the rug being pulled out from under me. I felt like I was standing on one leg and knew the rug was going to be pulled at any moment.

[@Angel-se4zm]

Hi Rebecca, sorry to only reply now, have only just seen your reply. I think it’s different to toxic shame. I think it’s utter dread that you will be hurt if you become financially independent or successful- whether realistic or not, through early childhood programming. Looking back, I realize it’s long been an issue for me, where I wanted to have a breather soon after starting a job, so that I could just take it all in- that aspect, before continuing.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Thank you so very much! Your content is exactly what I need and am able to metabolize and benefit from at this point in my recovery. I’m 67, parents covert narc and malignant narc. My deepest and sincere thanks to you for this lifeline and next steps. 🥰👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome, Suzanne! Do consider joining one of the membership levels I just started offering, just click on the white 'Join' button beneath my videos to learn more. You likely will also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@Equals11]

I have a LOT of shame. I was ridiculed since I was little. I was afraid to speak on the phone for a long time. I'm using internal family system and recently found more shame - during interviews if I see myself in Zoom looking "not confident", I yell at myself and shame muself internally (my older broehr did that to me). also realized my compulsive nervous snacking was also due to shame - after interviews I ran to the fridge and didn't even know why... i suppot myself as much as I can - but that burning feeling of shame in my chest is so painful and the heartbeat going through the roof. I use EFT and organized my life to mazimize sources of dopamine through joy. It helps becoming aware of the internal dialogie using Internal family system methodology and then being aware of those situatuins and consciously regulating. it is so painful though...

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Definitely not easy work. And yes, IFS can be helpful in regard to 'parts' work. As can Psychosynthesis, which describes 'parts' as sub-personalities (and preceded IFS).

[@TruthRocker]

Thank YOU Rebecca for all of your research and help!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome!

[@JenniferSillanpaa]

I was reluctant to post this since it's very revealing of who I am should any of my family read it. However, after thinking about it for a week, I felt I should go ahead in case something I type helps another person. So, here goes my experience with toxic shame. I dealt with what I now can with conviction say was toxic shame throughout my lifetime. When I was younger it took the form of social anxiety and an extreme blushing problem. I'd turn beat red often without even knowing why. This stopped in my 40's after I went through a traumatic situation... not sure why it stopped but I'm happy it did. The toxic shame can be traced back to comments fired at me during my younger years and also right into adulthood. Some I remember vividly. The one most vivid is when I was 38 and having major surgery for the first time in my life. I was single at the time and went to visit my parents the evening beforehand, hoping to garner some support. I told my mother I was afraid and she said to me, "You're pathetic!". I sheepishly said, "I am not pathetic" and went home. I mean, anyone would have been afraid. All my lady parts were being removed the following day. Even recently when I try to discuss the situation between my siblings and myself with my father I'm told, "there's a long history" which is implying I deserve the treatment I've received. In your video you make a comment about the church. I attended church for 50 years then stopped. When I tried to go back I realized the shaming is also from the pulpit. At Christian churches we are told we are wretched, vile, sinful. The last time I went (about five months ago) the pastor actually said "some people SHOULD be ashamed of what they've done". This pastor clearly does not understand psychology.... Giving this part of me a name has provided a great deal of strength. I write poetry and wrote a poem about this. Part of the poem says "I said it out loud, standing in front of the laughing crowd". And, that's what I've began doing... calling it out for what it is (or was). You also mention righteous rage. It took me 58 years to allow myself to be angry. I had an argument with the family golden child (she'd been my sister for 52 years and this is the first argument we've ever had because well.... we don't argue with ________. She's above reproach.... She was shocked but I often wonder whether she was also relieved in some strange way. I'm sorry for the long post. Your video prompted a great deal of thought and many memories. Thank you for what you're doing. It helps me and I know many others, by validating our feelings and experiences.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Jennifer. This gives a clear picture of the effects of FSA and Toxic Shame - I've experienced the 'blushing' you describe (which I later discovered was deep-rooted shame and 'righteous rage'), which would first start in my stomach and then slowly rise up, like an uncoiling snake. Our body really does "keep the score." If you ever need this comment removed, let me know, but I'm glad you felt you were able to share here, I'm sure many will appreciate your comment and learn something from it.

[@franklinplayz6323]

Hi Rebecca. I hope you're feeling better. Thank you so much. There's lots I can identify with here (many that I no longer feel are part of me, which is goot...codependency definitely!) listening to your videos is always so affirming and I feel that I'm on the right track. Thank you again. ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Franklin, yes, I am fully restored now physically - thank you! Glad my videos are helpful and that you feel. you are progressing in your recovery.

[@jimbyrne8281]

Wow love this! Thank you! I personally witnessed various family members being handed this power some just take it dad's family 11 moms 9 kinda strange but I always paid attention to everyone's now what I know character always treading lightly. At around 9 I remember some elementary friends were talking about how much they wanted to be like there dad and I said I don't want to be like my dad he's mean. He's the toxic shame master been a victim his whole life said cheated and did horrible things to my mom and myself he even controlled how my mom and siblings aunt uncles cousins and felt ironically they all treated and also fed me to him knowing what would happen. Mean stuff! Then got my 17 yr old girlfriend pregnant and to find out her step-dad hated my dad so ya he really hated me lol. I was attacked by her mom and He made it clear in everyway and my wife involved her mom in all the business so again another horrible cycle.. The koolaid is powerful! ..This toxic shame is crazy real and 6 decades I've witnessed feel and felt what it does to one's soul and also I've spoken my truth and also experienced everything you said would happen if you speak and I really connected when you said you love it when your clients get angry fight for themselves staying connected (hard part) trauma destroys souls. My moms family is one of zillions. I've taken back my voice and spoken i know it doesn't mater to them but it does to me lol.understanding intergenerational trauma seen across the board character, behaviors, very comparable different types (at least in my ancestry) is my opinion and I believe it was taught behaviors past down intergenerational trauma you drove home on that topic this has been my personal view and experience. So grateful for your understanding on FSA.. this video is powerful! Thank you Rebecca!🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like you are very clear now on what happened to you. Yes, with intergenerational trauma, the scapegoating is often due to the 'family projective identification process', which I talk about in more detail in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. It also may be driven at the same time by a narcissistic family power-holder, but not always.

[@jimbyrne8281]

Thank you! Love your book and have recommended on other platforms I do know what happened and truly connecting on multiple things you bring to our attention I look forward to your weekly topics grateful for the community you're building understanding is really all we have knowing what we know now. I've watched your platform grow as well.. Great job Rebecca! ♥ this awareness.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Jim. With more awareness, we can make different / better choices; and see that there ARE choices, and we need not remain stuck.

[@eulaliamassagueriba2505]

Thankyou for another great video, step by step you are helping us to heal. I wonder when I will be healed. I don't know how to behave in a group of people I am always thinking I don't match with them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My research on FSA indicated that many FSA adult survivors feel this way. This can be rooted in not feeling like we 'match' our own birth family / family-of-origin, and it continues on from there.

[@ijmacdonald9964]

Thank you sincerely Rebecca for your videos and extremely helpful information. Your videos endorse for me what I have been through and still do. Your videos are such a comfort to me, knowing that I am not alone, and that other people learn how to cope with the effects of FSA, so I can too. You give me strategies and remind me to look after myself. Thank you from Iona, New Zealand.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list here for further education and support ideas: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@wordivore]

This video was really helpful for me to understand better about self-sabotage and why I do it. Thankfully I have overcome binge drinking and weed. But I have other vices like coffee, which I have difficulty metabolizing so it effects me pretty intensely. And then there's the sweet tooth. I watch some channels talking about C-PTSD recovery but talking specifically about scapegoating takes it so much deeper. Also, besides the codependency and in different situations I can have any one of the four F trauma responses, I also have narcissistic traits. I've felt for a long time that it's impossible for most to come out of a family where the parents are narcissistic or actual narcisssists, without being at least somewhat narcissistic. Thanks for putting this info out here. I really get a lot out of your videos.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for being here. Sounds like you related to a lot of what I discussed in this video. You might also want to read my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) if you haven't yet. It goes deeper into FSA and is based on my research results on this form of abuse.

[@wordivore]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Your book is on my list. 😊

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

🙏. Thank you Rebecca. Very good to talk about intellectual knowledge. Wishing all survivors here health and continued healing. B

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Mellie, thank you for being here and contributing to our community conversations.

[@08Vesta]

This is so validating! However, I’m wondering how not to break ties with family membres or isolating ourselves from them if we have been scapegoated our whole lives. I’ve recently spoken up about the rejection + abandonment I went through my whole life and was basically told I was lying. It was such a painful experience that I can’t be in contact with them without hurting. I do have a trauma informed therapist so I am getting help but this part is really hard to deal with.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Christine, I encourage my clients to follow the wisdom and guidance of their nervous system in early recovery from FSA, and to do what serves their nervous system's recovery at the HIGHEST level. Some may need no contact at first; some light contact with family. Some re-engage when they feel stronger and more boundaried; others find they cannot due to high activation and trigger symptoms so they must end contact for (their own) good. Hopefully you and your therapist can sort through this part together.

[@Angel-se4zm]

I stood up to my neighbor the other day, who at times makes silly comments amount my clothing.. I asked him if he was making fun of me.. 😅😊🎉

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oooh - great response! How did it go?

[@Angel-se4zm]

He’s been pretty decent ever since.. 😅😊

[@themalibumalik]

​@@Angel-se4zmcongrats.!! I'm happy for you

[@juanitawatson3049]

One of the most powerful healing messages I’ve encountered. Thank you 🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@user-vb8ld4on2u]

I've never felt more seen by a KZbin video. Thank you so much for all you do ❤❤❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome - That was my hope when I started this channel. Thank you for letting me know.

[@nadiabelen9505]

Yeah, i think u need to bring some family systems into polyvagal theory, because polyvagal theory its in its infancy, and many knowledgeable ppl are writing it off. But its growing in popularity among new agerst, that want to take the easy road of "everything is my fault, its just my vagus nerve", so yes, they need an intervention.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds similar to what I call a "spiritual bypass" (a false transcendence over painful childhood realities / pain).

[@Guardiangdsd]

Especially in the culture now it’s like I have to understand and value someone else’s pain and put my preferences to the side while valuing another’s narrative. Be nice, give yourself away. I’m doing what’s real for my self. I know it’s my fault I’m nice instead of saying what I want and I attract exactly what I dont like. I’m just avoiding what o need to do in the moment. I think I’ll finally get a grip on all if my responses. Thanks for the way you describe identity and shame

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Awareness is the first step - and that can be enough right now.

[@mday3821]

I would love to learn more about the "fighter" scapegoat. I started rebelling at the age of 15 yrs old. I didn't want to be like my Mother and I didn't want what my family had. I fought back even while I was my mother's caregiver, then I just grey rocked her the last two monthd of her life. I couldn't fight or leave, but I was done. I feel like I have no fight in me anymore. But my therapist says, "I do! I have grit!" I wonder if that is true.... I can say no very easy & always could. I know I cannot be the only one...love to learn more.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have several requests for this and I will definitely do a video on this, thanks for the suggestion.

[@warrenmoon7709]

Thank you❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Warren, glad you're here.

[@snowbear1877]

This is all very true. I know because I've lived it

[@dnk4559]

Rebecca, thank you again for so clearly describing my experiences in my family of origin.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@nicaye1918]

I didn't understand the cycle until now. Thank you

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@deborahlynnelentz6432]

While I'm getting more healthy, I'm diffintly Hated. They Love to hate me. Especially that I have noticed those that did abuse me.

[@emilyashley4820]

Rebecca's info on this is the best!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Much appreciated!

[@QuintessentialKeygirl]

My family of origin is the most enmeshed and most distant family imaginable

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, these family systems that scapegoat are complex and perplexing.

[@michellethompson8448]

The times I have said to myself… If my family doesn’t love me, who will

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is part of the devastating impact of this form of abuse (FSA). Here's a resource list I put together for adult survivors of FSA in case you are looking for more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@brittvaughn9447]

Had fight response to one, fawn response to the other because she told me she was the good parent who loved me so so much and was the best mom in the world.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That can indeed happen. Good self-awareness on your part.