Why I Didn't Change My Last Name + Tips on Changing Yours & Doing it Uniquely

[@eleanabb5142]

My husband and I both hyphenated our last names when we got married. That way we get to share a unique name by both gaining something instead of someone losing a part of their identity. I think it actually makes me feel like more of a family unit knowing we created something together.

[@cavinelizabeth]

Cool way of thinking about it!

[@karimmadueno3257]

That's cool and very unique.

[@02291992mm]

Hi, I know this is an old comment but I've always not wanted to change my last name but also I want to hyphenate. I've heard that having a hyphenated name is really annoying and a hassle when it comes to dealing with official paperwork, like your SSN or heatl insurance. Is it a hassle to you?

[@coldeed]

It's just kinda insulting lady

[@eleanabb5142]

@@02291992mm no hassle at all! Sometimes they leave out the hyphen and it’s just 2 names but even with all of the legal documents it hasn’t been any problem

[@AD-hb1gy]

If it helps concerning the part about your name being "a man's name" or "your father's name" - this old "gotcha" trope is based on a sexist notion that women can't own their own names but men can. Think about it this way: your husband's name is also his father's name but no one is saying it's not his name. To say that your name isn't your name is pretty much saying that no woman on earth have her own name as she may have shared it with a male ancestor at some point, whether that's father/grandfather, etc. Your name is just that - it's your name. You were born with it, you lived with it, it's yours. I applaud your choice to keep your name.

[@lastexile318]

So true. I always considered my last name mine, rather than my father's. I had it all my life, I think I own it too. Though I also understand the influence of patriarchy in this. In Thailand, it's standard that when a Thai boxing fighter sign a contract with a gym to train with and represent the gym in fights, they would adopt the gym's name as their last name (ex: Allycia PhuketFightClub). This is done to show that they belong to the gym. I think adopting husband's last names in marriages was intended to do the same in older times when women were considered property of men. I agree with many of the other positions in here. I like sharing a name with my future family, but I also like and am proud of my own last name. Hyphenating maybe the solution, but I'm still considering...

[@CozyCloudASMR]

I used to think like you but have come to realize it’s an honor to take my hub’s last name :) but like you said to each her own!

[@lovexperfusion]

This video is 100% how I feel. I never felt compelled to change my last name. None of the women in my family changed their name when they got married. My future husband respected my decision and wanted me to only change my last name if I wanted to.

[@cavinelizabeth]

Love that respect!

[@CristinaQV]

I love this! 👏

[@TheLovelypecan]

Love this video, I feel so similarly. I kept my name after I got married too. And same- my last name is my dad’s name BUT he actually changed his last name to his mom’s last name & stopped using his father’s last name. So I feel better about having my father’s name knowing it’s more of a matriarchal line. Plus, I like feeling connected to my nuclear family with my last name. ☺️

[@cavinelizabeth]

Wow that is the cutest story ever!!

[@balletgurl222]

In regards to the concern about not having the same last name as the children, you can give your children any last name you want. It does not have to be the father's. It can be the father's, mother's, or my favorite: both!

[@lifewithtrenel]

I’m definitely leaning towards hyphenating my name for a few reasons: I’m the only girl among 4 brothers so I will be the only one of my siblings with a different last name if I changed. I’m also a PhD student who will enter a career where people refer to me by Dr. my last name exclusively and Dr. his last name doesn’t quite capture my work to get there in my opinion. And then I also didn’t want my future children to have a different last name from me. I also don’t want them to have a hyphenated name or my last name because my fiancé is the only male in his family in his generation so he is their only real hope of continuing his last name. I will happily go by his last name socially because I like us being considered one, but professionally and legally, I’m thinking I’ll be hyphenated.

[@madisenkahlee]

I messed it up on the marriage certificate and had to petition through the courts. I thought that if i put my new last name that I'd have to change it right away and I wasn't ready to change it. It's been 3 years since we wed, just got the documents from the court back in Dec after paying $600ish and now I'm awaiting my social security card. My husband and I agreed that if we had a son, his first name would be my maiden name which I'm very happy with!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Oh no! That's what I dread about swapping my names is the petitioning. I know the outcome would be nice, but the process of the court, $, and then changing my name all over my accounts and documents would be a nightmare!

[@madisenkahlee]

@@cavinelizabeth it's not going to be an easy process that's for sure! One of the benefits of covid is that I don't have to go in person to most appointments, most things can be done online. I figure when it's said and done it will be about a 6 month process from start to finish.

[@cavinelizabeth]

yikes!

[@Electricdaze_]

This video made me like you more. I see so much of myself in you and it’s so awesome to see someone (finally) talk about how it’s okay to not be traditional. I’m so tired of our society and (mostly) older ladies talk about “wedding etiquette” and things you HAVE to do. It’s my life and my money! Anyways this video is awesome.

[@cavinelizabeth]

I really despise the mentality that you "have to" do something because that's "how weddings have been done." Nope. There isn't a law that says so. Also, wouldn't you want to experience something unique and different at a wedding so it's not the same old, same old thing every time? Weddings get so boring (and I am not trying to crap on weddings, it's just true), because they can be so monotonous. I encourage everyone to make it their own. As long as they do it the way they want, that's all that should matter!

[@Mjennings16]

My mum was horrified when I said I would be changing my name to my future husband’s. But I changed my first name when I was able too, I’m not emotionally attached to my surname either! I can’t wait to be Mrs Jennings 💕

[@cavinelizabeth]

Good for you!!

[@BillyzSexyBitch27]

Was it hard to change your first name? I plan on doing the same

[@rachelsheldon3456]

Thank you so much for including that tip at the end about putting your spouse's last name on the marriage license so you have the option to change it later in the future! I had no idea that was an option and I've been going back and forth for months, thinking I had to make a final decision before the wedding. I just breathed a huge sigh of relief!

[@cavinelizabeth]

I had no idea either, I came across the tip somewhere at the last second and then I confirmed with the clerk as I was about to write it (just in case!). Definitely was so helpful to know!

[@_q3017]

Oh my goodness .. yes Rachel! I’m literally going crazy trying to decide what to do .. with one week left before the ceremony 😩lol.. Such a relief! whew :)

[@finurra3905]

Thank you so much for this video this has been an open question for me and am still thinking this over 💭

[@cavinelizabeth]

Glad it was helpful!

[@yogisurfrunner1925]

Have lived both in Texas & California…dont ❤ the patriarchy - did not change my name in my 1st marriage, husband said ‘I think it will be a hassle for you either way - paperwork or explaining yourself’ & he was right. Just married my soul mate last month & though he would never say it, I suspect it’s important for him to see us as a team. I’ve been a staunch feminist my whole life - throughout career & personal life but for the love of a non-misogynistic partner who has supported me far more than the father whose name I inherited…I’m more than ok becoming the new version of me!! Taking his name - changing my middle name to my ‘maiden’ name bc its super cool anyway = )

[@cavinelizabeth]

🥰🥰🥰

[@bethelight7430]

I am definitely not changing my surname, neither my Mum nor future mother in law have changed theirs. I like my name and will never change it😜

[@cavinelizabeth]

Go you!

[@lovelly2]

I never planned on changing my last name. But my fiancé has made some comments about it... He's not forceful about it, but I get a feeling he might be a bit disappointed.

[@shark3382]

Same. So did you decide to change your last name?

[@bubbly3150]

I’m not changing my name when I get married because I like my last name and I feel like it connects me to my family rather than only my father. Also I don’t like my fiancé’s last name compared to mine 😅

[@cavinelizabeth]

hahaha! Sometimes their last names just aren't so great!

[@amystronstad8273]

So I feel like our story is unique. My current surname is not native to the UK and so no one else has the surname - even where it's originally from it's uncommon now. I've had the name for almost 29 years and become fond of its uniqueness. My partners surname is so common, I could list ten famous people with the same name! I didn't want to take it. He also didn't want to take mine but we did want to share a surname. His parents never married and have since married other partners. So I suggested his middle name (his mums maiden name), and he loved the idea! So we are both changing. His Mums family name stops with his Mum so I love that we get to carry it on for her! Plus, its super unique and Ive not heard it before, and its beautiful!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Aw, that's such a lovely history and story. And yay for his mum!

[@nataliejeanneret9794]

Hyphenating isn't possible anymore in Switzerland. My partner decided to take my name since I'm kinda more proud of it then he is. We decided to have just one name because we wanted to have one name for the whole family. Plus, you have to note the name that the future children will have when you fill in the forms for the marriage license. In Spain, the spouses usually keep their names and the kids go with the mother's name first and the second last name is the father's.

[@cavinelizabeth]

That's so interesting about Switzerland!

[@theresablock1445]

So wait, if we both want to change our names but not change out all the stuff yet. We can get married with the change on them but not change them? It's legal to walk around without changing your name right away? Or even for years?

[@cavinelizabeth]

Every state is different, but at least for California I wrote in my name on my license with my husband's last name but I am not bound to changing it. If in 10 years I want to legally change my name I can easily do so without jumping through crazy hoops since it's already listed on my license. It gives me a free pass to change. If I had not done that, it would be much harder to change it.

[@autumnchadwick8469]

For my first marriage (100 years ago), I hyphenated my birth surname (my dad's surname, which I happen to like & will always keep) & his name. So when we split up (also 100 years ago), it was really convenient to just drop his name. Now I'm getting married again & I'm doing the same thing but my fiance is thinking about hyphenating his last name with mine. I'm not sure that we can legally do it for him, but I think here in CA, it should be easier for him to than some other states. Good for you, Cavin! I love how independent you are & how awesome your husband is being so respectful of your feelings. Changing names is a giant pain the rump. I am so with you on name changing & so are many of my friends, my daughters & their friends. This is 2023...a lot of male-created traditions for females are fading away. (YAY!!)

[@cavinelizabeth]

:) The hassle of name changing definitely played a part in me not wanting to do it (along with the whole not loving the tradition). It's so much work. Like, I hate when I get a new credit card after the old one expires and I have to update it on all my subscriptions and saved accounts...I'm not going to do that with my name which is on 1000x more things lol.

[@Julissa299]

I have thought about this so much

[@Meli_Mel_619]

The point about having a man's last name either way if you change it or not, I guess depends on your own personal relationship with your dad/his side of the family. I'm keeping my dad's family name because our history means so much to me. For me, it's a way to honor all those who came before me.

[@MS-kn4tt]

My fiancé and I come from different ethnic backgrounds (I'm white, he's Mexican-American), so he didn't feel comfortable with the idea of merging our names. I was completely fine with that, since we'd have a ridiculously long name if we did that. He's completely fine with me doing whatever I want, but I think I am going to end up taking his last name. For one thing, it's a place name (a place we've visited together, which is cool) and for another I'm not attached to my Dad's surname. I do feel slightly weird about it, but I do like the idea of sharing a name.

[@jadedixon3641]

I was in fourth grade when I learned that women change their names when they get married. So I said at that point I would never get married, because I did not want to change my name, I didn't think it was right or fair. Then I found out that just because you get married doesn't mean you have to change your name, so I decided that I'd be willing to get married, but I would not change my name. I always start the explanation off with that, because 3 years after I made that decision I met the guy who would eventually become my fiance, and it was years after that before we started dating. My last name is a lot easier to spell and pronounce than his, so people are assuming that I'm keeping my name because I don't want to deal with a harder to pronounce or spell last name, that is definitely not the case, I made that decision before I even met him. That assumption really annoys me though. As for what he thinks about it, well he's a really traditional type who one day pulled a bouquet of roses out of his trunk and asked me to be his girlfriend. First thing I said was that I couldn't believe he had finally come to his senses, and then I said I didn't want kids. Not having kids it's important to me, and I wanted to be very upfront about it. Years later he said that he would like to have kids, but I had been upfront about not wanting them and if kids were a deal breaker for him then he had plenty of opportunity to break things off much earlier. But he didn't, so as he says it, we're stuck together. I did mention about a year into our relationship that I was not going to be changing my name when getting married and I had made that decision when I was a kid, he was pretty shocked for a while, then years later he said he was going to grumble about it and blame me if anyone asked. Since then, he's grown up a lot. I was recently stressing out about having to take an elderly relative to the DMV to get a new ID and I was worried about them accepting all of the identity documents given that this relative had been married twice and changed her name both times and then divorced twice and the second time had changed her name back to the last name from her first marriage so she would have the same last name as her kids. After helping that relative through that whole nightmare I couldn't bear the thought of changing my name and going through all of that again for myself. So my fiance finally said that if anybody asked about me not changing my name, he would tell them to mind their own business. An incredibly revolutionary act for someone as traditional as him, I can live with it.

[@cavinelizabeth]

Wow, it sounds like your fiancé has really grown as a person. That's wonderful. And yes, it can absolutely be such a burden for women who change their names if divorce happens. And of course, it's such a tedious process even at the start of changing your name having to change it on all of your legal documents and notify every place you have your name registered (doctors' offices, for example). It's just not worth it to me when I do not feel the need to change my name.

[@VioletEmerald]

I like the idea of each of us keeping our last names and my kids having hyphenated last names because I know people who grew up with a different last name from their moms it WAS indeed an issue where people would assume they weren't related, or assume the wrong last name for one of the two, etc... but... if you do that, your kid has less options to hyphenate later etc... so idk. I am single at the moment but in my last relationship my partner would have wanted to take my last name, which I as a woman had never expected was a possibility growing up, and that would've been interesting but kinda cool, I realized once I was wrapping my mind around it. But yeah changing your name for everything like your social security card ahh sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

[@asianerika]

Wow this video was legit helpful for me. I didn't know that you didn't have to go through with changing your last name even if you sign your new husband's last name on your marriage license. I actually think I might do when I get married that so I can make it easier to change it later if I want to. Thank you so much! And I didn't know you had such strong opinions on traditions! I actually really like your view points!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Such a helpful little trick, right!? Seems like you'd have to change it, but it's nice it merely gives you the option to do it easily later on!

[@asianerika]

@@cavinelizabeth Actually I'll be getting married in June! it's not too late for me yet! lol I was a 2019 bride that wanted to do a 2021 wedding, so thankfully I've been able to keep my wedding day with my venue! SUPER lucky I decided to plan out ahead so far out! Hopefully everything is better by then!

[@respecthumankind333]

I'm glad we will fuse our last names. I think it depends per person just as you said, also my boyfriend's view is love shown by it, so I will do the same since I see him as my equal. Also after he proposes I will also put a ring on his finger too😍😂. I want him to also have that feeling to look down at his hand and feel amazing that I want to marry him. The ring signifies my doing in this too, is how I see it❤️ I love the videos and the community we are building here.

[@cavinelizabeth]

Aw, that's so cute about the rings!

[@JD-C114]

I saw your comment about putting a notice on your wedding website about not changing your name - trying to do the same! Any suggestions for example text I could borrow?

[@cavinelizabeth]

I said something like "Please note that the bride will not be changing her last name after the wedding. She will be keeping her maiden name." I didn't specifically say "no monogram gifts" or anything like that, thankfully nobody went rogue off our registry so it wasn't an issue. :)

[@JD-C114]

@@cavinelizabeth thanks so much for your response! 🥰

[@iluvzurara2]

YASSSSS!!!🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 all of this!!! A fully knowledgeable choice is at the core of all this. I’m not changing my name either. I totally get the oh the “maiden” name is also your father’s name but that’s the name I was born with and it’s fully part of my personal identity and totally different from changing it for a man... even though we are high school sweethearts who have known each other for over half our lives. And personally my moms maiden name that she used here in the US was her fathers name who I was never close with anyway so changing it to that name would be meaningless in my book however everybody has their story. In most Latin American countries however you legally have two last names from both your parents. And while my parents didn’t do that with me, I would still like to pass on that tradition as both my fiancé and I have parents with Latin roots....so ideally if and when children come into the picture they would have both our names (possibly hyphenated bc the US doesn’t know how to deal with two last names lol... think like aoc’s name lol). My mom has already started calling me like Mrs(fiancé last name) and I’m like mother whyyy😫 and we aren’t even really religious (not even christian) but in the US it’s like the expected thing to do. personally i hate the assumption that that is what you’re going to do. Whenever I see weddings like in shows or videos etc the DJ almost ALWAYS introduces the couple as mr and mrs guy’s full name. And I’m always like wtf?! She has a name too! And mrs is short for mistress which I also found to be weird. That is the first thing I’m telling whoever is introducing us to NOT do. Also the whole “you may kiss your bride” line also seems extremely outdated. I’ve heard of some cute alternatives to both but am curious if you have heard of any nice ones yourself and if so if you can pls share? Feminism in weddings would be such a cool video to watch (you don’t have to name it that lol) And yessss I too don’t want to deal with the hassle of going through docs. As an attorney I KNOWWW paperwork in general for anything is a hassle and I’m just not doing that. I have a friend who is going through a divorce and in the process of changing her name back and it’s heartbreaking to watch. Glad she feels like she’s taking back her life but it’s still tough. Isn’t it the absolute best when guys are chill like that? Sometimes the most feminist thing a guy can do is just be chill and not stopping the women around them from doing what they want. Question, isn’t the married name on the certificate your legal name though? Like I guess you don’t have to use it for your ssn or passport etc but it’s still legally your name isn’t it? Is that what you were trying to say?

[@cavinelizabeth]

I let our DJ know to announce us as Cavin and David lol. I prevented the "Mr and Mrs" thing across the board. I think our wedding website even said I wouldn't be changing my name so that nobody would buy monogrammed things with his last name. I really didn't want anything like that to pop up and thankfully my "hard work" in prevention paid off. ;) On the marriage certificate, I did put his last name on there too. But since it's just the marriage cert and not any of my legal documents, it doesn't transfer to my legal name unless I want it to. I would have to go through the process of changing my name and having his name on the certificate would make that process 1000x faster and easier than if I didn't. Hope that makes sense!

[@iluvzurara2]

@@cavinelizabeth so simple yet brilliant! i will definitely be incorporating these ideas into mine thank you so much for sharing! and yes that makes sense thank you!

[@StrongBalloonChris]

As a man, I actually hate that I'm expected to keep my surname if I ever get married, just cause. Glad I looked into it, since I'm an oddball who looks at all options and picks the path less travelled 😂 Each to everyone's own though :)

[@janefleck-donaldson6672]

Great video! I never considered changing my name. Maybe because my mum didn't and us kids took both of our parents names. My mum got married in 1980 in a small town in England, it was very unusual that she didn't change her name!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Love that!

[@Kimberlydvue]

Thanks for sharing!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Thanks for watching!

[@donnetteg9087]

My grandmother's surname was urquhart is that how your surname is spelled?

[@boognewsnetwork7620]

You don’t necessarily need to give your kids the dad’s last name! My mom kept her maiden name & my parents decided to give me my mom’s last name as my last name & I have my dad’s last name as one of my two middle names.

[@cavinelizabeth]

fun!

[@Christina-ds7qk]

My husband and I come from different backgrounds culturally and I decided to keep my last name because I have a lot of pride in my family history. When we have kids, we talked about incorporating my last name into our future children's last name so they honor both of their parents' roots. I often considered putting my mom's maiden name in my children's name as well. We have the right to keep our last name as equally as a man wants to keep his. If your man doesn't respect that,..... Bye. Lol

[@cavinelizabeth]

Very cool ideas! And totally agree about the respect!

[@Laura-iw3xd]

I am changing my last name to my husband's but I put a lot of thought to it, considered hyphenation, but both are long, but what spoke to me was that we want to live abroad, we live in a country where you typically alter last name depending on the sex so I would be -ska (or -ska-ska or -ska-ski) where my husband is -ski soooo for foreign people would still consider it two different names. That's why I'm changing my last name to exactly his ;) so tradidional yet not quite in my culture

[@ronishashigdel2776]

You could keep a totally new last name and if that is too much of work, you could just accept your last name (your father's last name) because you did not have a choice when you were named. Patriarchy reflects in our lives in many forms but we can stop the patriarchal tradition by not taking our husband's last name and naming our children differently. We can't change the past, but can try to make a better future. :)

[@cavinelizabeth]

That is definitely true about not having a choice of your name when you are born :)

[@andreafoxx6021]

Wen I get married I am using my future husband last name

[@lisajohnson5719]

A married couple who doesn't want kids. Yaaaassss. I'm not married, but I don't want kids either. I'm glad someone else is on the same boat as me.

[@cavinelizabeth]

Dual Income No Kids (DINK) - our chosen life ;)

[@ScenariosOfDrea]

So I don't mind having my dad's last name, I'm hyphenating when I get married. My fiance also does not care if I choose to take his name or not he left it up to me to decide.

[@LivHester]

Wow, I had no clue you were from AL? What general area are you from? My family is in Mobile. I didn't stay either- I'm in the northeast now

[@cavinelizabeth]

Anniston for most of my life, then 2 years at boarding school in Rome, GA, then back to Birmingham for college for 3 years then DC then San Diego :)

[@LivHester]

@@cavinelizabeth love the scenery in that area of AL!

[@mariixox26]

I was given both my parents last name (my dads first mom second) :) I’m not sure I’ll be changing my last name when I get married this summer 🤔

[@cavinelizabeth]

Love that!

[@astrea79]

"I grew up in Alabama..." Oooooh now I know where that southern accent that sneaks in every so often comes from! I didn't change my name after getting married because I see my name as part of my identity and not my marital status. I agree you can be a feminist and still take your male partner's name but at this point in my life I just don't want to because I don't want to!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Ah I hate it when the accent sneaks in!

[@user-ox9tf9os2x]

Has anyone ever told you that you sound like Rachel mcadams?

[@cavinelizabeth]

just you!

[@missdavis9583]

Hi I did change my last name when I turn 21 for almost the same reasons you are giving so I don’t have my dad’s last name and when I got married didn’t take my husband last name. I’m against to this tradition in history started because women become another property of the husband… so no thanks!

[@cavinelizabeth]

Love this!

[@BillyzSexyBitch27]

This video actually ended up being more relatable to me than I thought it was be. I'm doing basically the opposite as what you did but I don't feel so strange for it now. I'm going from a "Ts" last name to a "Ps" last name which probably doesn't do so much about the fact that my last name is hard to pronounce, but I didn't feel as though I identified with my maiden name (even though I LOVE my dad). On top of that, I'm actually changing my first name and adding in a middle name since I never had one. It's going to be complicated but worth it in my opinion 🥰 I'm really liking your non-traditional vibe

[@cavinelizabeth]

:) So glad you enjoyed it!