why I’m self destructive

[@godadsforever]

please don't delete your youtube chanlle . you spread so much joy bailey .

[@Fillup82]

When you said you almost deleted this channel, I fully understand why. I had a pretty successful Instagram endeavour, and the success actually made me weirdly uncomfortable. I basically just left it to die and stopped posting. Fear of love and success is the biggest mind fuck anyone can experience.

[@AdamusFX]

I can't even imagine how much courage it takes to open up like this here

[@treljaengo]

This healing process doesn't last forever. It may take a few years, but you'll get through it and be glad you put the effort in.

[@kkop4982]

Parents are monsters. Dont worry Bailey, most people feel unloved, even the ones in relationships. We all need coping mechanism for avoiding the horror called life.

[@studiogenix2933]

Hey, parents aren't monster. Some people who take the roles as a parent can be monsterous and that can be due to them not dealing with what happened to them. In short, if you don't stop the bleeding then you'll bleed on everyone else, you'll also not be in a rational state as you'll be acting out in pain. It's not the title, it's the person.

[@s.c8949]

This is some heavy truth. However whilst I agree that most parents are pretty crap at their job, they don't always mean to be. They're just not really prepared for parenting and fuck it up

[@treljaengo]

Give the love you didn't receive as a child to yourself now. It's also helpful to visualize your younger self and give them that love that you didn't get in those traumatic moments. Be the parent you didn't have to yourself.

[@tinfoilhatstore]

thank you for sharing this, it resonates deeply and i'm very proud of you for pushing through these whys

[@zapkrow]

Bailey you are like a cool older sister. I hope you do a meet and greet one day when you're a big famous youtuber or speaker or writer or whatever direction you take this, so I can shake your hand and thank you.

[@gwaapgutta8553]

This girl is so intelligent...

[@GabrielXDrums]

Right, she’s a treasure, she reminds me of my friend I text and talk to everyday, she lives in FL and I’m in CA but she’s been my friend over a decade honestly and Bailey has that same energy.

[@dxn0001]

You are smart and starting to wake up. Keep it going, if you want to help yourself some more meditate and reflect in the morning. I promise you it will cut the unlearning down, so much love for you and this collective. My other half is very much part of this collective, I'm very glad I stumbled upon you. Remember to embrace everything as it comes, you all got this. ❤

[@tcort]

11:15 getting in trouble for trying to make positive changes and changing things that you don’t like - that really resonated with me. you’re not alone.

[@itsamemarkus]

Please don’t delete this channel. You deserve the praise. You are a special person - in a good way.

[@GnarlieCharlie]

I feel you deeply on this, for me it's chaos. If the situation isn't chaotic I have a hard time feeling like I'm "home". I need the adrenaline and anxiety to feel normal. You aren't alone in this. Thanks for posting. Lots of love.

[@leenabano2398]

Be a fighter. Don't become a victim but try to be strong and live your life with heads up, give your children what you didn't got. That's the best revenge.

[@TheMourningProject]

There are millions of types of escapism. They call them "addictive behaviors". There's no instruction manual for parenting or living in general. Cut your parents some slack. My self-destruction behaviors come from a need to control the moment by escaping. It's a self-soothing way for the brain to process the emotion/experience. Mourning is a gift, so we learn to forget these insignificant experiences. Mourn the way you were neglected and abused, give it grace and forgiveness, it will quit haunting you.

[@jamesdasilva2682]

I don’t know how much this will help if at all, but you are a beautiful person Bailey (in all ways ) I love your channel and your authenticity. I’m happy you didn’t delete it. There are many things I hate about myself but I am now actively trying to change myself and watching you has been a big part of my success in these early stages. I love you and you are worthy of being loved 💜

[@mike-yii]

It's really interesting to learn about your path, to hear your reasoning trough difficulties, and to see your persistence to improve and better understand yourself. I so believe in you, thanks for sharing your stories.

[@circustoonsjokevideos]

Hey Bailey! I know what you're talking about, though, I'll never personally understand exactly what you're going through! But I wanted to tell you one of the ways I deal with my childhood trauma! I dealt with two narcissistic parents, and what I figured out in my mid 20's is me pretending my passions (i.e. paintings, screenplays, and short stories) are "illegal" made me feel better! Find something you love to do and do it, but hide it from the world around you! Create a double life! One life of you doing your secret passion, and another life of you going to work, doing youtube videos, and watching your favorite shows! Because knowing that my family wouldn't like me writing or painting--- made it feel like I was doing something wrong; therefore, taking pleasure from doing things wrong! And if you want to, because it's what I do, give yourself a score or a point-system every time you do your passion! Just something I've done to help my trauma and pain! Thought to share it with you! :D

[@b.k534]

This was helpful i had a similar experience with my family, every time i see my life going to a place of comfort of happiness i literally start graving for tears this always feels to much it's like i have never experienced happiness that's why it feels to much, so i start running ignoring my life my self so i can get back to normal wich is sadness.

[@god9687]

For a fish swimming in water, to go meta would be for the fish to step outside of the water, crawl up on the shore, or get fished out by a hook. Then maybe the fish has enough distance from the water to realize, "Oh, I've been swimming in water this whole time." Now it’s gone meta on the water. Meanwhile, most of its fish friends, who have never been outside the water, haven’t gone meta on the water. To them, even the idea of water doesn’t really make sense. Going meta means noticing what you're doing while you're doing it.

[@IYENSS]

I feel you, had a same-ish experience altough at a much lesser extent. Caused me to develop a massive fear and anxienty around people as I'd think everyone was against me. This resulted in me not accepting people's love, i still have a hard time accepting nowadays but it's gotten much better! Love watching your videos, always some very insightful reflections on your thoughts and feelings, keep it up!

[@ahmedhaddad94]

You are good , you see yourself in the mirror not the body but the soul ( unlike most of people who ignore themselfs to show others their superficial image)

[@Rokas.Misingevicius]

You got this. I can relate to your struggles and its inspirational seeing you talk about it. Maybe that energy of emotion that's going through you needs to be expressed because you show us common folk that we are not alone so thank you for sharing Bailey. It sucks until it doesn't. "Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it." Leigh Bardugo Wish you well

[@KronKommand-A1]

We can all be a bit self destructive sometimes. It's what makes us human. All we can do is try to embrace the better part of ourselves to not be destructive.

[@Will2Wisdom]

That’s not self destructive, just an anxious reaction. Don’t worry, do things that you enjoy that make you feel good. Any answer you seek will come if you really want to know. Focus on the present.

[@god9687]

If you smoke, do it consciously. Enjoy it fully, with awareness. Open the pack slowly, take out the cigarette carefully, and light it with intention. Watch the smoke, feel it enter your lungs, and notice the experience. When you bring awareness to any habit, something shifts. Over time, the urge can fade naturally. Awareness is powerful-it transforms not just smoking but everything in life. Stay mindful, stay aware.

[@imzebb]

I also feel stable with negative emotions. It's hard to explain to people what that is like. Basically I have to fight for stability and anytime someone shows me love it feels like I am losing. My 20s have been nothing but untwisting my traumas. So I think the strange behavior you're going through is natural.

[@OlexiiZaparovan]

just close your eyes, shut up and look into your heart. 15 minutes a day will be enough to start with and a lot of worries will leave you. the main thing is don't forget about this little tips

[@anumann]

Being dead in this world is a God gift so don't need to be sad and don't need to scare.

[@TheMourningProject]

Apathy can be a great tool. It can also be a prison.

[@anumann]

@@TheMourningProject Prison could be everywhere anywhere or everything anything but the tool is only you, I ensure you

[@TheMourningProject]

@ That's what I said....

[@anumann]

​@ :) there is a always a prison for who thinks ...

[@diegocas9946]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts stay strong Bailey 💪

[@Ranechannel77]

For me the key word is Validity, you have valid reasons to feel sad or happy, maybe you feel that your feelings aren't valid, and your opinion aren't actually valid to people, I've felt that way before, well let me tell you somthing your opinions, and your feelings are more than valid. All my thoughts, and feelings are very valid to me, and that makes me happy. Maybe you pick at your fingers because you feel that you don't deserve to feel ways that you feel, or to be liked or loved, well you Deserve to care for yourself Bailey, and to be cared for by others.

[@Rodion-ro9hi]

I also whenever those strong memories and feelings, like remorse back from the past, suddenly take up my mind to haunt me, I feel the urge to stop whatever I'm doing to talk it with my diary, it can't be postponed, it has to be at that very moment with the thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing at that very instant, thoughts like broken recorders, repeating over and over again in my mind to not let me sleep at night

[@REZZA2020]

You are loved Bailey and an exceptional human being. Shitty Caregivers can cause a lifetime of issues. Understanding this first - The fact you can see what is occurring- is how you will free yourself. Your insight is extraordinary. You are not alone in being raised by disordered caregivers. They could not have been any different. It is not in their capacity to give you or anyone - what they do not have themselves. .

[@Christianismyname]

Keep going! I believe you have all the potential that anyone else has and you matter. All your hard work matters and will continue.

[@LEONYSXS]

I always loved eavesdropping on all the tea being spilt when my parents fought

[@konst_kot]

Love yourself, be smarter, and forgive people their ignorance. Ignorance is not their fault, but their misfortune. When you become strong enough, you will be able to forgive your parents for their ignorance.

[@bulutkarada]

You are loved you bring distinctive positive energy around you .❤️

[@Jet-BlackWings]

For many of us, our generational curse is avoidance. We come from people who just act like it didn't happen, but as you said yourself, pain demands to be felt, and somewhere along the line a child will be born who's charge it is to feel it all. Those are the ones who are born with the gift of feeling, and as we all know... you can't heal the pain that you refuse to feel. With time thing do get better, I promise. Keep going. I know it might be hard, but I know you can do it “I exist. In thousands of agonies, I exist. I'm tormented on the rack, but I exist. Though I sit alone in a pillar, I exist. I see the sun, and if I don't see the sun... I know it's there, and there's a whole life in that.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[@SvengelskaBlondie]

5:00 "I feel unloved" I think it would very much be it, cause I have a similar thing. I will pick on my thumb's side until ive removed so much skin, it starts to bleed. I think I do it for the same reason (have also struggled with feeling unloved by my parents). My dad was the only one of them that showed any signs of actually loving me, my mom said she did but never backed that up. She herself was abandoned by her own father, a problem I have is that she had other adults that became like parents to her (I didn't really have that luxury). My stepdad cared a bit until he stopped and became a immature elementary school bully. 6:00 still felt unloveable When we were very small, we didn't understand what personality disorders were or the reasons behind our parents behaviour. Was much easier to just believe that it's something wrong with you than something wrong with them. I sure wouldn't understand what NPD or ASD at that age. Sucks that even when we are older, we don't really "update" our beliefs cause normally it's not something we are taught and it's highly unlikely our parents or close adults would know about it either. 13:28 "hospital bed from sepsis" One of my dad's friends lost his wife to sepsis, sure she was way above normal weight and had bad habits like smoking that didn't help things. She got a wound on her fot that got infected, that ended up with her getting shuffled off this plane of existence. Sure she didn't really "pick at her feat", I doubt the outcome would have been different if she did.

[@WorldwideSeagull]

Sending you love, Bailey. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@henrysstreamofconsciousness]

I too have the bad habit of picking at the skin around my fingers. Nobody’s ever offered to help me stop, and even thinking of how gross my fingers feel later doesn’t help me stop.

[@NS_Dragon]

I was in the same situation many times. On the other hand, all those things made me realize that I didn't see the other side of the coin.

[@PrepH420]

I went into a job interview for a restaurant years back when I was in highschool. Nervous as hell. Picked my fingers. At some point crossed my arms. Came out of the interview with blood smeared all over my white shirt. That makes a spot on my top 5 worst interviews.

[@Tonedriver]

4:54 There was this recent Job I had, for 4 years. I remember thinking of some of the things people were doing to me, secret ways of sabotaging me, and forcing me to look bad in front of others. One day, there was a particular influx of coworkers and customers that were messing with me, and I felt so alone. As I remembered my past, and how much good I've attempted, only to wind up suffering people socially crucifying me at this job, shaming me and practically executing my personality.. all of a sudden, I got this vibration on the back of my head. I had involuntarily abandoned small regions of my brain, because of the bullshit people were putting me through. Then, they found out, and they started lightening up on me, but for some reason, they could never seem to stop forcing me to be seen as incompetent or evil. It had to have been the pay rate. Eventually I left. I just couldn't handle it anymore, how people secretly tried to mess with me so much. I'm left knowing for sure, that this World will come to an end, because it seems people don't want good will.

[@Power-z8x]

I advise you to meditate, find the missing things within you, and watch your negative thoughts float away and disappear. Good luck

[@allenpearson216]

4:49 - Damn... I'm sorry, Bailey. BTW, I'm editing this to add some more. In case you didn't know, you are very much loved. There are plenty of guys who would consider themselves blessed to be in your life.

[@MRKetter81]

Also.. knowing your "why" doesn't solve your addiction. There is no quick fix... hope is your cure, but you refuse it like everyone else.

[@user-vn3uq2lv7x]

Bailey, we all have demons, insulate your mind, Holy Bible, theology, build your faith, protect yourself! Albert.

[@user-vn3uq2lv7x]

GoD a Biography.Jack Miles. Albert. Great post Bailey!

[@triplezeroxz5875]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Good insight for us with self-destructive habits

[@godadsforever]

the WHY : here is a mystery for me . when did the issue or start. or what trauma happen that created it . this for me is a big mystery for me .

[@Godsseed2]

KZbin knows me too well😭 oh geeze. ❤️ we will get through this I’m sorry.

[@godadsforever]

i don't think your self destructive , you are a very positive person .

[@TrevorSnaith-xl8fz]

I'm glad you didn't delete this channel. I like hearing about you.

[@GustavoMaldonado42]

i feel ya fr

[@sourcebeing3620]

It annoys me how selfish parents are. When I have kids I want to put them first.

[@Nawskcalbehtmai]

The shadow cometh..... Awareness is key. You have to accept the shadow, once you accept it then you can integrate. I'm about to be world famous. I had super evangelical upbringing. Know those feels. Can't wait to meet

[@3clipser]

Sorry to hear that

[@TheMarlboroM4n]

Im very self destructive i dont know how to stop myself.

[@bobhope5114]

It's your subconscious that's running the show...you've got to slowly reprogram it otherwise it absolutely will continue.

[@TheMarlboroM4n]

@bobhope5114 yeah I have to integrate my shadow self

[@thegreatjohannes]

Same experience...

[@yahyyz9791]

please don't delete your chanlle i love it so so much

[@GabrielXDrums]

Bailey you rock for your posts, i have a form of escapism with music, that’s one of mine and then I start posting and then wonder why I get some views. Yet stil feel alone so what’s the actual cause etc we all are going through our own battles but ur not alone.

[@LEONYSXS]

Hello fellow fearful avoidant lol I really love how vulnerable and real you are. I bet I can out-self-destruct you tho so give yourself some slack, you're doing great. It's never game over, babe

[@godadsforever]

cute earnings by the way . , and i really like that above camera angle you add too .

[@Cyberian-Kumar]

damn, so much baggage, I had such habits, I have grown out of it though, I have healthy habits now. Self inquiry is a good process

[@reverserebirth-bd3fg]

Bailey please listen to the audiobook "you're not dying you're just waking up by elizabeth april" I think you're on your way to self love and since you mentioned things like "thank you god for this opportunity to experience these emotions" it may be your potential chance to shift to a timeline of spiritual awakening, since you mentioned God and only being able to experience this life once. The nature of us being divine infinite spirits/souls having our soul journey experiencing pain in life having it resolved through look in ones self for "god" aka consciouness, it's all addressed in the book. Sending Light, love, oneness and truth infinitely!

[@daniell.abbreu]

I understand you very well.

[@Tonedriver]

12:25 So right here, you're just not occupied. I know from experience. I recommend you start a portfolio of something, that's tied to people giving you money for it. It should be something that you can truly take to market.

[@flurry3074]

honestly if your worst habit is picking the skin on your fingers that's not really too bad all things considered.

[@joshsplace675]

Ohh,i had an ex that did that..5 cigarettes isn't tooo bad. But it's better you quit. Daamn. Yeah, they should of stopped. Know that no love thing too. It sucks, ohh crap, almost deleted 😕 would suck. 👋 hi kitty . Better to heal at 20 than 40. You got this. you're doing fuckin' awesome.

[@OneMountainNine]

Pain is mental. Pain is obviously physical. Dr. Gabor Mate and Heidi Priebe talk about regulating emotions

[@TheMourningProject]

Are they on YT? I may want to turn them up at a later date.

[@OneMountainNine]

@ Yes. It’s why I mentioned them. Dr. Maté is well known

[@Will-gs8pc]

Human beings are complicated

[@BigLebowski0324]

I have a bad habit of chewing the skin around my fingers. I have these bad scars on my hands, in some spots. It’s a nervous habit that I do and I honestly cannot help it. I catch myself doing it when I’m watching tv sometimes. Any time that I’m sitting still, I cannot actually seem to sit “still.” If that makes any sense. I am also in recovery. I celebrated three years clean on October 20th. I’m not sure if that’s what’s causing it or not. It’s definitely a nervous reaction though.

[@godwinyo5206]

I thought I was the only one going through this.....

[@vrchatchat2614]

Love yourself

[@MRKetter81]

Yeah.... I didn't have this problem and my Dad and Mom screamed raging torrents at each other. You lack faith and trust; without those you can't trust yourself and therefor have all that much more trouble loving yourself and therefor don't trust others and therefor can't love others... sounds like a common family issue. You don't trust people, they don't trust you.. you reap what you sow. I honestly don't think you trust a person you talk to through the camera, so don't play coy.

[@mkissin493]

I see parallels here between you and me. And I now know who you remind me of...Alaska in the banned book "looking for alaska"

[@FREEDRONE40]

Gotta grieve

[@MaryAnnGallegos-n2z]

God is love .showing kindness to people. We are not alone. God is with us .

[@Hughmancase]

I love you. Please don't go. That would hurt.

[@ccuesta39]

what are those notes on the wall?

[@treljaengo]

It takes 21 days to form a habit

[@NeuroVanguard]

I don't think you are self destructive.its just a way you are trying to express something in a way where the action is visible and it's remind you of something why you do it.😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

[@DanielMatthew89]

God speed Bailey love Ya

[@SteveTheGhazaRooster]

Can we just admit we hate being alive?

[@mmooggoomm]

I relate to you so bad

[@youknowthatimnear]

I like you 🎉 youre good people you know

[@lexingtRick]

kind-of like imposter syndrome, see Sophie Lloyd how good she became with that syndrome.

[@GraphicsGamer6465]

I want to cry with you, let's cry together 😭, hey I was thinking can u get hold of a gaming device like ps4 or ps4 or pc, you should start gaming helps thee mind stay focused, ure too sweet to go into unwanted pain

[@REZZA2020]

Wish the best for you.

[@KayOnTheLine]

Hi my love, I'm here as I said on your comment.❤

[@Skiz676]

This channel is cool - pls don’t stop cuz they make me feel better ❤️‍🩹

[@Klowcn]

biological evolution someone could want to sleep with you and love you but I think you will be surprised how few people out here have evolved into such a animal most devolve due to a lack of imagination, on another topic I think the reason I find it hard to learn and be productive outside of a classroom is because of the public school system I was raised in

[@tyemich8820]

Please keep on exploring philosophy. In my view, it's totally worth it ❤

[@tyemich8820]

Also my friend who also bit his nails got a very bad nail infection once while gardening, I think you should be careful with earth. Maybe it would make sense to quit your job and spend some time alone just thinking. Although in my experience it would make it extremely difficult to keep a job and deal with all the bs later. Humans weren't supposed to work at jobs, in my opinion 😎

[@TheAlixour]

Dude don't redact, delete, or disclaimer. That said you're wrong about olives. Please keep making videos.

[@peterelliott7333]

I've always chewed on the inside of my mouth

[@gabrieltopan9315]

try to love and talk to animals dont eat them and it will pass ....

[@peterelliott7333]

I smoke cause I just don't care.

[@condor.67]

Maybe having good parents would've turned you into a bad person

[@totticosta2977]

I don't know who your friends are but I would like to tell them to go give you a hug.

[@bocckoka]

oy Bailey, that's a lot of baggage. I hope you find somewhere to put it that's not your children. Like this yt channel is a good place for it.