Why is Consent Such a Difficult Concept?

A lot of the talk around consent makes it seem simple, easy, or straightforward. Here I talk about some reasons why it can actually be more complicated.
I talk about situations where people say "yes" but mean "no", and explain how many factors feed into this happening, including socialization and conditioning in the educational system and society at large, that teaches people to be obedient and have a hard time saying no, and in many cases, that makes it hard for people to even be in touch with what they actually want.
In the moment, the reading of cues, including both verbal and nonverbal communication, can be affected by neurodiversity (including autism, anxiety disorders, and other conditions that affect how people communicate) and cultural differences.
Direct, unambiguous communication is always the gold standard of consent, and I think it's still important to seek this out.
But I think that focusing on this alone is inadequate to address all the problems when it comes to consent in sexual situations: as a society, we also need to focus on teaching people how to say no, and that it's okay to say no to begin with. We also need to help people to get in touch with what they want, and teach them to express or assert boundaries. And lastly, we need to raise awareness about diversities in communication so that people don't end up making false assumptions that everyone communicates (or reads people) the same way we do.

[@anonimatovato8384]

very good topic. I really would like to know what you think of the #me too movement, the pros and the cons, and the 'all of a sudden' media explosion on the topic with recent political aim to it.

[@AlexZorach]

Ah you mean the #metoo movement? I've thought about this a fair amount lately but haven't thought of making a video about it yet, but maybe I can in the near future. I tend to think the movement is overwhelmingly a good thing. That said, there are specific articles, or specific things I've seen people say, post, or share on social media, connected to this movement that I dislike. One of the main things is when people write in such a way that exclusively frames sexual assault as well as harassment and other non-consensual behavior as something men do to women. I was sexually assaulted by a woman, myself, and I also have been stalked by a woman. I think, in my case, growing up in a culture (both liberal and conservative subcultures do this) that framed sexual assault and harassment as something that men did to women, made me more vulnerable to it because I was hyper focused on respecting women's boundaries and not focused on asserting my own boundaries, looking for red flags, protecting myself from non-consensual behavior, etc. Also, I personally know a number of male survivors of rape, sexual abuse, and harassment at the hands of women, many people having dealt with things far more extreme than I experienced. I talked about these issues in this video, last year: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oom8k6Ztq91retk I have more to say about the movement too though. I very much dislike the way the movement is becoming politicized in the sense that it's becoming a "liberal" issue and "conservatives" are mostly opposed to or skeptical of it. On the other hand, I understand why this is happening. I think conservatives tend to have a bias to trust people in positions of power or authority, and liberals tend to have a bias the other way around. And since sexual assault and harassment is usually carried out by people in positions of power and authority, it makes sense that there would be a natural breakdown along these lines. Also, some of the problematic aspects of culture often used to justify or erase rape or sexual assault, are more prevalent in conservative subcultures. So there may be a degree to which some amount of political polarization surrounding this issue is unavoidable. That said, liberals can still be in positions of power and authority and there are plenty of examples of prominent liberals getting called out in this movement, and I think highlighting those things can send a message to conservatives that this isn't just about targetting them because of their political views, even if it does end up attacking some specific elements of conservative thinking. Yet another thing I've thought about is that I occasionally see sex negativity being voiced. I think sex positivity is very important. Since sexual assault and harassment relate to negative aspects of sexual expression, I think there can be a tendency for people to over-react, broadly attacking behaviors or practices or media to the point that things that aren't necessarily harmful get attacked. An extreme example of this would be the infamous "street harassment" video in which genuinely creepy and harassing behavior like following a woman and repeatedly making comments at her while she avoids any sort of interaction, is lumped into the same category with things like people saying "Good morning." I have seen some people sharing stuff on Facebook taking stances I found somewhat extreme, like saying men should never look at women in public, men should never talk to or approach women in public, etc. (And of course this is framed in a very gender-binaristic way, with my same comments from before about it being framed as something men to do women.) I've responded to one specific point I thought was an over-reaction in this video, this is about some of the recommendations for men to alter their behavior in public: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eqmWhH5_ZsZ-b6M But I have yet to make a video where I really engage with the bigger points about sex negativity. These are only a few of the things that come to mind. I definitely could make a number of more videos on topics relating to this. I want to reiterate that overall, I think #metoo is a positive movement. The number of people I know who have been raped and sexually assaulted is disturbingly high. And I also know a ton of examples of sexual harassment, stalking, other sorts of behavior. I think it's a really great thing that we as a society are finally starting to really put our foot down and root out these things. It may be a bumpy ride doing so, and I think some care is needed to make sure we don't overreact and end up causing unintended harm and/or backlash as a result of overreaches, but I think the overall trend here is a good one!